Month: January 2011

One of the biggest challenges facing modern families is to maintain a healthy balance between work and home life. Covering basic living expenses can be challenging enough, without the additional pressure to keep up with the latest products, trends and luxuries. This can lead to pressure to earn more – working longer hours, taking on multiple jobs or seeking higher paid (and more demanding) employment. In one way or another, most families struggle to find a healthy balance between work and home life.

Under these types of pressures, parents may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with their children and partner. In Saulwick’s (2003) survey, 58% of employees expressed that the pressure of work was detracting from their family and personal life; 54% said that work left them too tired to go out; and 33% of women said their work pressure was such that it left them sexually disinterested. These and related issues can create strain on family relationships.

Why is this phenomenon happening? A 2004 study by Breakspear and Hamilton found that families endure long hours in unsatisfying conditions to pursue the long-term dream of a ‘happy’ retirement / lifestyle later on. They called this the ‘Deferred Happiness Syndrome’.

The motivations for deferring happiness are various, but three major factors lead people to continue working even though they were unhappy or felt guilty for the time that they could not be spending with their children.
1. Growing aspirations for more expensive life style dominate some people’s lives. The desire to stay in this race often means longer, harder hours.
2. Some workers felt the need to accumulate as much as they can to prepare for retirement. Many participants expressed that they were concerned when it would come time for them to retire that the pension would not meet their need and that they would be on their own.
3. Some participants become fearful that if they change from their demanding jobs that there may be catastrophic consequences. This ideology often remains unchallenged until some crisis at work or home forces them to consider alternatives.

When people decide they no longer want to be driven by the Deferred Happiness Syndrome, research shows that downshifting, or a voluntary decision to change their lives in a way that reduces their incomes and spending is an alternative option. The most important reasons given for downshifting is to spend more time with family (35%), a desire for a healthier lifestyle (23%), more personal fulfilment (16%), and a more balanced lifestyle (16%).

However, for those who are not in a position to downshift right now, there are ways we can better manage our time and stress, to encourage a more balanced work/home life:
• Take some time out to relax
• Try and do a bit of exercise (great release of stress)
• Leave work at work. Do not try to take paperwork home. If you work from home, when it comes ‘knock-off time’ close the office door and don’t go back no matter how tempting
• Try to balance your diet and try not to eat too late in the evening. If heavy foods are eaten late, it can affect sleep.
• Make rituals with the children and partner – these rituals create a habit. For example, every Sunday you may develop the ritual of taking the children to the park.
• Learn to say ‘no’ to unreasonable demands at work. A bit of assertiveness can help you maintain a healthy work-life balance.

For more tips on creating a healthy work-life balance please contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or visitwww.raq.org.au to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

Read over the following statements and answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ as they relate to your life.

• Are you feeling fatigued, dejected, ‘down’?
• Is every day an uphill battle?
• Do you feel ‘numb’ and like a robot who is going through the motions?
• Do you have trouble sleeping (when you get the chance) and then not want to get out of bed?
• Do you think that nothing ever seems to work out; that there is no light at the end of the tunnel…..just work, the bills, the pressure to get the job done, and your partner and kids complaining that you are never around, and when you are that you never do enough and don’t do it right?
• Are you eating too much and putting on weight, or wasting away because it’s too much effort and you’re not hungry anyway?
• Is your concentration not what it used to be, your energy levels low and life generally looking bleak?

If you said ‘that’s me’ to several of the above, then it is possible you’re living with a condition that affects about a third of us at some time in our lives – depression.

At times, depression can seem to come from nowhere. Other times it may have been around for a long time and has just gotten worse. For some it can also be a reaction to any number of life events (such as a relationship breakdown, family problems, illness or a lack of sleep).

We also know depression can and does get better with the right treatment. It’s a good idea to seek help either through a visit to your doctor or through a session with a counsellor. Sometimes depression needs to be treated with medication, while at other times talking to a counsellor can help to put things into perspective and lift the dark cloud. Counselling can help you sort out what’s getting you down and to find ways to help you get back on top of things. Research shows that talking to a trained counsellor will make a positive difference.

When you are busy with work it can be difficult to find the time to get to either a doctor or a counsellor, but depression should not be left untreated for a prolonged period of time.

Sometimes simple things can make a difference. Here are some questions to think about.

• When was the last time I took a couple of days off, had a decent sleep or spent some time with family?
• How much longer can I keep doing what I’m doing the way things are now?
• When did I last do something just for the fun of it?
• If I’m doing this for my family, will they still be there for me when I get home?
• Can I take some time off occasionally and still keep my head above water?
• What do I like about what I do?
• Are there things I used to enjoy doing that I don’t do anymore?
• What do I want for the future?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen if things continue the way they are going….and is it worth the risk?

Try to take a few moments every couple of weeks to reflect back on how you are feeling and what has been happening in your life. Don’t ignore danger signs. Help is available and just a phone call away.

To make an appointment with a trained professional, call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

Couples involved in long distance relationships often face challenges unique to their situation. The questions are often asked: Can long distance relationships work? How can they work? and What stands in the way of a successful long distance relationship? There are many couples out there who are currently involved in fulfilling and functional, long distance relationships. Love can last despite the distance and here are a few things to consider:

Communication
• Effective communication – it’s vital for the success of any relationship, but even more so important for couples who do not see each other every day. Being clear about your expectations from the outset is important. Be clear about what it is that you expect from your partner and be clear about what you are willing and able to provide for your partner – consider the issues of support, intimacy, your physical and emotional availability and the roles you will both play in the relationship. Talk about these issues and if you and your partner have different expectations, so the cards are on the table allowing successful negotiation and compromise to occur.
• Utilise all forms of communication to stay feeling connected (letters, e-mails, web cams, phone calls, SMS). Think outside the box and be creative.
• Be available for your partner – talk about how often you will communicate, by what means, and who will initiate the contact.

Keeping the romance alive
• Value and make the most of the time that you do get to spend together. Enjoy spending time together, and remember to laugh and have fun together.
• If you have a weekend planned with your partner, ensure you have similar expectations as to how the time will be spent. If one of you expects a romantic weekend for just the two of you when the other has made plans for a social weekend with family and friends, conflict and/or disappointment is likely to result. By communicating and compromising, both partners can have their needs met from the time spent together.
• Be considerate and thoughtful – an email to say “Good Morning” , a small gift by post or a card / letter can send a very powerful message that “you are special to me”.

Support one and other
• Provide your partner with support even though you don’t see them everyday. The overall goal here is for your partner to know they have a special place in your heart and that you are there for them to help celebrate life’s little achievements and to support them through life’s disappointments.
• Be aware of what’s going on for your partner and share what’s going on for you. Is something happening at the moment for your partner requiring extra attention and encouragement from you ? (eg: job interview, medical issue, family issues). It’s easier to be there for your partner if you know what’s going on for them.
• Individuals may need to utilise and expand upon other support systems to access the face to face support there partner is unable to provide (family, friends, clubs and social activities)

Trust
• Trust is also very important – individuals who are faithful, act with integrity and feel safe in their relationships find it a lot easier to navigate through a long distance relationship. Discuss with your partner roles, boundaries and expectations. Be transparent, open and honest with each other.

Conflict resolution
• If there is an issue of disagreement or a problem that you and your partner need to work through, agree on a suitable time to talk things through. It might be best to avoid times when either you or partner are tired or stressed.
• Keep discussions involving conflict resolutions separate to the phone calls you utilise to have some quality couple time together.

Long distance relationships can be challenging – at times, one part of the couple can feel lonely and unsupported. It takes a special effort to make it work, but with good communication, trust and consideration for the other person’s feelings and needs, couples can survive the distance. Remember also that absence makes the heart grow fonder, resulting in the time couples do manage to spend together being exciting, fun, rewarding and emotionally fulfilling.

If you wish to speak with an experienced counsellor please call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or visit www.raq.org.aufor more information.

Here we are, all set to take on the New Year, including new challenges and New Year resolutions. We all start with good intentions, but as we are all aware, good intentions do not guarantee us the outcomes we want.

How can we stay on track and break old habits?

Remember when you were learning your times tables at school? Some people picked it up straight away; others took time to learn. Some days you may have got the answers right; other days it just did not click.

The same thing happens when we are trying to break an old habit.

Habits are learned. A habit might be nail biting, a poor exercise regime, smoking, interrupting people, or gambling, to name but a few. The one thing all habits have in common is that they are learned behaviours with short-term rewards and long-term costs.

The good thing about this is that just as habits are learned, they can also be unlearned.

Motivation to unlearn (or change) goes through a cycle of different stages:
• Thinking about changing
• Making a decision to change
• Acting on that decision
• Maintaining that action
• Then, either relapsing or exiting from the cycle and breaking the habit.

The most important step in breaking a habit is deciding that YOU want to change. If we are breaking a habit to please someone else rather than ourselves, it can be difficult to maintain the motivation to break the habit.

The next step is to carry out an accurate assessment of the problem through the process of self-monitoring. When does it happen? What are the precursors before the habit? What are the consequences? This self-assessment can lead to a greater understanding, greater control, and a baseline measure of frequency and severity.

From monitoring yourself, you can work out a plan of attack. It might consist of
• Changing what occurs before the habit. Assessment often shows that habits are related to particular situations or emotional states, for example hours of boredom may lead to overeating.
• Changing consequences. At the moment your habit is being maintained be aware of certain short-term consequences or ‘pay-offs’ – these need to be altered. Introduce a system of rewards and incentives to change the pay-offs, for example if you do not like yogurt, every time you have a cigarette have a teaspoon of natural yogurt.

A difficulty that arises when we are trying to break a habit is that we can start out all energised and confident we can stop the habit in its tracks. This is fine, but if we jump into the deep end, we may soon feel like we are sinking, as we do not have helpful coping strategies in place. One way to avoid feeling swamped is to set yourself reduction/increased targets and goals. For example, if you want to start exercising, set a goal to start off small then over time move to more exercise sessions per week. People who run marathons do not just one day get up and start running 42km at a time. They progressively work themselves to that level.

Another way to help you cope when breaking a habit is developing strategies. Try establishing a range of coping strategies that can be implemented when you are feeling particularly vulnerable to resorting to the behaviour. Draw up a list of activities that are incompatible with the habit and distract you from the urge. For example, drinking a glass of water instead of biting your nails, or talking to a friend instead of having a beer.

Working out a list of positive thoughts that you can say to yourself when feeling vulnerable can also help you cope. For example, “I don’t need a drink but I’d like one, if I can resist for the next hour, the urge will reduce”.

One final point is accepting setbacks. Do not be discouraged if you relapse. Relapses are a natural part of progress. Learn from them.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in planning for a smoother journey. Call 1300 364 277 or visit www.raq.org.au to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.