Month: March 2011

Stepfamilies are in some ways like first-time-round families.  They are also, in many other ways, vastly different.  Most people who become a part of a stepfamily are unprepared for the differences.  These differences can include:

• The complexity of stepfamilies – there are many more family relationships in stepfamilies.  There are likely to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and a parent living outside the family with no links with other members of the stepfamily.
• The new couple’s different attitudes to child-rearing.
• Emotional upheavals. Family members may have experienced distress from the break-up of the previous marriage or relationship. Some may still be grieving for the family they have lost.
• Huge changes. All members of the stepfamily, including those living outside the family, must cope with the change and make a number of adjustments.
• More parents. There are more parent figures in a stepfamily and the parenting may be shared by someone outside the family.
• Different likes and dislikes. There is no common history and different family members may have different ideas about how things are done.

Whether the previous relationship ended through death, separation or divorce, there are many people who need to adjust to the new relationship.

The expectation for the new family to appear like a first-time-round family with two natural parents and their children living in one household together, can cause pain for everyone. It can involve the denial of the existence of other parents and relatives. It is important to accept that the stepfamily will never be the same as the first-time-round family and to identify the benefits of being in a stepfamily.

New step-parents and step-children are unlikely to instantly love each other and recognise each other’s strengths. Love cannot be forced upon each other and the relationship may take time to develop.

Not an instant family

Stepfamilies are complex and it may take some time for strong family relationships to form.

Stepfamilies need to address two important issues:

• coping with the past
• negotiating relationships in the new family.

Coping with the past

It is important to allow for past experiences as much as possible. For example, children who were exposed to violence in their original family may take a long time to be able to really trust a new step-parent. This has nothing to do with the step-parent, but is a legacy of the past.

It is often tempting to not talk about the past as it holds painful memories. Yet it is best for the new partner to know about past difficulties. Children should also know if they are old enough. This helps to minimise secrets and taboo topics of conversation, both of which can lead to tension and difficulty. The new stepfamily also needs to work out ways of coping with contact between children and their other parent.

Negotiating relationships in the new family

Relationships in stepfamilies take time to develop and have to be negotiated in ways that are often not necessary in the original family where relationships evolved over time. Learning to live in a stepfamily is a process that can take years rather than months.

There are many people to consider:

• the children of both partners, including the visiting children of one partner
• the children’s other parent  and perhaps his/her new children and step-children
• grandparents and other extended family members
• children of new relationships

and many issues:

• the age order of the children may have been altered in a blended family
• the children may have different interests from their step parent and step-siblings
• a child may have special needs that affect the whole family
• how birthdays, special occasions and school events are managed
• a step-parent may have no experience of parenting children or of parenting children older than his/her own, and have unrealistic expectations.

For more information or to make an appointment please call 1300 364 277.

For many gay couples, the thought of having children together is both joyful and daunting, not only for the sheer challenges and richness of raising a family, but the significant obstacles both legal and operational, to making this happen.  Perhaps one of the biggest challenges facing same-sex couples is societal prejudice which culminates in lack of services, support and suitable legislation. Whereas heterosexual couples can conceive a child without any need for legal intervention, the road for the same sex couple or single must revolve to a large extent around the law and what is and isn’t legal.

According to the 2002 NSW Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby Inc report, around 10% of gay men and 20% of lesbians are parents. In a female same sex couple, the conception of a child will occur usually through one partner conceiving via an artificial insemination with either a known, (50%-70%), usually gay donor, or an anonymous sperm donor. Between half and two thirds of gay sperm donors later have some contact with the child.

In a male same sex couple, conception is through entering into a surrogacy arrangement, where either one or both donate sperm or where the sperm is from an anonymous donor. A surrogate is a woman who carries a child for a couple/single person and gives the child to them once it is born. She  may be the baby’s biological egg donor (traditional surrogacy) or be implanted with someone else’s fertilized egg (gestational surrogacy). Surrogacy agreements are either commercial (Fee paying) or non-commercial, (altruistic – where the surrogate agrees to receive no payment or reward). An application for parentage has to be made to the court by the intended parents to obtain rights to the surrogate child.

The other option is adoption, which is legally placing a person under the age of 18 permanently with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Around 500 adoptions occur per year in Australia and the first legal Australian gay adoption was in Western Australia in 2007, by a male same sex couple. 

The Legal Side

Since national changes on 1 July 2009, same-sex couples receive the same level of recognition as de facto opposite-sex couples in federal legislation including tax, health, superannuation, and aged care. However, things still remain different state to state regarding assisted reproduction.

Artificial Insemination

Legally across Australia, artificial insemination is referred to as reproductive technology and at a state level, the laws regulating artificial insemination and surrogacy vary considerably, as each state either has their own act, or no state legislation at all. Navigating through this can be enormously draining and emotional.

Most state differences relate to access and eligibility for assisted reproductive services, legal rights and acknowledgement of parentage for LGBT people, and is changing quite regularly, therefore it is wise to seek specialist legal advice around this before proceeding. For example, Queensland released new legislation on surrogacy in February 2010.

If you are thinking of using a Sperm Bank, most children of sperm bank donor material have no access rights to identifying information and the donors are required to waive any parental rights over your child. Some sperm banks may permit the child to access the donor once the child becomes an adult. The advantage of using a sperm bank is anonymity and they will test semen for diseases and collect health and genetic information from donors so this can inform your choices. The disadvantages of using a sperm bank are that they can be expensive and they freeze semen which can cause it to be less vigorous than fresh sperm and therefore it may take you longer to get pregnant. In regard to single women accessing sperm, donors must give specific consent for their sperm to be used for single women.If you usean unknown donor for insemination,  or a surrogacy arrangement, you may need to consider how you will speak to your children about who their donor father is or biological parents are.

If you choose to get pregnant using a known donor such as a close friend, or relative of your partner, the advantages are that you know his personality, family history, physical and mental health, and he might be open to being involved in the child’s life if you wish. You don’t have to pay for the sperm, although you may have to pay a doctor to inseminate you and the donor to have screening tests for HIV, and other STI’s. Should the relationship with the known donor deteriorate, you will need to consider what the plan will be as he may apply for parenting orders over your child.  

Surrogacy 

Victoria, South Australia, Queensland, Tasmania, and the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) all have legislation regulating surrogacy. If you are interested in doing  non-commercial surrogacy in Australia, it is strongly recommended that you seek legal advice around the specific Act that relates to the state in which you reside, before proceeding,as it may be that onlythe birth parents are lawfully deemed to be the legal parents and the child will be registered in their name.  As a gay couple you may need to apply to the court for parentage to gain legal right to the children.

All states must comply with The National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC) guidelines which state that clinics must not facilitate surrogacy arrangements unless every effort has been made to ensure that participants have a clear understanding of the ethical, social and legal implications of such arrangements; and have undertaken counselling to consider the social and psychosocial significance for the child and themselves.

Most often gay men seek surrogacy in the U.S.A. as generally the legal system accommodates their needs more fully.

Adoption

Adoption for same-sex couples differs from state to state with some states making this available and others only allowing foster care as an option. Other states allow single LGBT applicants but they are considered less of a priority than couples, and lengthy waiting lists can make it virtually impossible. Individuals may usually only adopt a child with special needs or in cases of exceptional circumstances. In November 2009, The Rev. Fred Nile introduced the same sex adoption referendum proposal into NSW parliament proposing the requirement for a referendum prior to any change of NSW legislation. Again, seeking up to date legal advice is strongly recommended. 

The Human Side

What about the Children:

These days, there are many different combinations and permutations of family; same sex couples, heterosexual couple with children, single parents, and those who have re-partnered into a blended family. Thus children are now exposed to this variety of pictures of what makes a family. Depending upon the openness of the environment in which your children are raised and exposed to, responses from peers and others can vary: children’s feelings may range anywhere from feeling different from their peers who may have a mum and dad living in the same household to feeling proud of having “two mums and two dads”. Being involved in your child’s school and community to advocate for diversity can be a way of feeling empowered and modelling acceptance to your child. As well as this, involving yourself in LGBT parenting support groups can expose your child to other families that are similar in nature. Familiarising yourself with community agencies that are LGBT friendly can help with knowing where to go for support.

A number of LGBT couples will have children included from a prior opposite sex relationship, and along with any other blended family, face the challenge of integrating prior partners and children into the new family, and establishing rules and roles for everyone. Sometimes counselling can be a great help with this process as a way of sorting through issues that are raised.

Often same-sex parents are conditioned to be concerned with how their children will be affected by growing up in a household of same-sex parents. Surrounding children with positive role models is important, and research shows it is more about the quality of the parenting, than the gender of the parents, when it comes to the children’s wellbeing. A research review of  81 studies of one- and two-parent families, including gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples conducted by the University of Southern California, found that “No research supports the widely held conviction that the gender of parents matters for child well-being,” and that they are “statistically indistinguishable” from children from heterosexual couples in  areas such as self esteem, social adjustment and school performance.

As with any parenting role, assisting your child to  form secure attachments to both care-givers and helping them to feel special, loved and secure will be an important part of their development. Familiarising yourself with the basic developmental tasks of children at different stages, and reading parenting literature will assist with being sensitive to their needs.

What happens if the relationship ends?

According to S.60H of the Family Law Act (1975) apresumption of parentage will apply only to the birth mother and at present, whether the sperm donor is known or not, there appears to be no presumption of parentage in his favour and thus he will have no parental rights/responsibility. Legal advice from a specialised practitioner is recommended to determine the rights pertaining to your case.

For more information or to make an appointment to speak to one of our counsellors please call 1300 364 277.

Resources:

•  For information on state laws relating to artificial insemination and surrogacy try: http://www.dh.sa.gov.au/reproductive-technology
• The Donor Conception Support Group of Australia Inc. dcsg@optushome.com.au  (02) 9793 9335

http://www.gaydadsaustralia.com/surrogacy/index.htm

• information on the international surrogacy process, contracts and other useful tips and resources.

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/families/a/Insemination.htm

• information about artificial insemination and factors involved

http://www.lawreform.vic.gov.au/resources

• Assisted Reproductive Technology & Adoption Position Paper Three: Surrogacy
• LGBT rights in Australia  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Australia

http://www.legislation.qld.gov.au/Bills/53PDF/2009/SurrogacyB09.pdf  2009 surrogacy bill for qld.  

Australian Sperm Donor Registry        

A database of donors, a fee is payable to access contact details of potential donors.http://www.australianspermdonorregistry.net/

www.raisingchildren.net.au   parenting_in_a_same–sex_relationship

Research:

• Stacey, J., & Biblarz, T. J  how does the gender of parents matter?   
• Journal of Marriage and Family, Volume 72, Issue 1
• Stacey, J., & Biblarz, T. J. (2001). (How) does the sexual orientation of parents matter? American Sociological Review, 66, 159 – 183.
• Millbank, J. Meet the Parents: A Review of the Research on Lesbian and Gay Families. Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby (NSW), 2002. Available from: URL:

http://www.glrl.org.au/pdf/major_reports/meet_the_parents.pdf

•  Meet the parents [pdf]
• http://www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/bibs/samesex.html – Australian Institute of family studies- for research articles on same sex families

Books:

• Pride and joy: a resource for prospective lesbian parents in Victoria.

Produced by the Royal Women’s Hospital. Melbourne, 2003. Available from the Royal Women’s Hospital, Phone 03 9344 2000

• Millbank, J- And then … the brides changed nappies: Lesbian mothers, gay fathers and the legal recognition of our relationships with the children we raise

Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby of NSW, 2003, 26p, and Online

• QLD association for Healthy Communitieswww.qahc.org.au/parenting 

The Family Law Act was originally passed in 1975 but recently a number of amendments have been made.  One of the key changes is the emphasis on the principle of shared parenting responsibility.

Shared parenting responsibility means that both parents have an equal role in making decisions about important issues that affect their children such as education, health and religion regardless, of who the children live with and how much time they spend with each parent.

This does not necessarily mean that children should spend equal time with both parents although it can be considered as an option for some families.  An equal time arrangement only works under specific circumstances.  The most important aspect to consider is the co-parenting relationship. Research shows that equal time works if parents have a co-operative co-parenting relationship.  If the co-parenting relationship is conflictual your children will find an equal time arrangement not only difficult but harmful.  For obvious reasons an equal time arrangement works if parents live within close geographical proximity.  Equal time is not recommended for very young children. 

Shared parenting responsibility is more likely to occur if children spend time with each parent which enables them to be involved in the day to day routine of the children’s lives like homework, transport to school and extra curricular activities, such as doctor/dentist/hairdressing appointments, and shopping for clothes and gifts when needed.

For shared parenting to work both parents need to be willing to communicate with each other about their children’s lives.

In carrying out shared parenting responsibility it can be helpful if you:-

• Focus on what your children need from you rather than what you want or what you think you have a right to
• Remember – the better your relationship with the other parent the easier it is for your children.
• Do not try to sort things out when you are tired, stressed, hurt, or angry.
• Respect the other parent’s privacy.
• Be polite and respectful to the other parent even if you do not feel like it.

Relationships Australia, through our Family Dispute Resolution Service, can assist you to develop parenting plans after separation that incorporates the principle of shared parenting responsibility.  The Parenting Orders Program can assist parents to improve their co-parenting relationship and focus on the children’s best interests.  For further information call 1300 364 277.

Separation and divorce is a change that affects a number of Australian families each year.  With 40% of all marriages ending in divorce the Australian Institute of Family Studies states that divorce is impacting on 50,000 children each year.  Some children will experience more than one parental divorce or separation during their childhood.

Divorce and separation is not a single event but a process that all members of the family move through over a period of time.  It involves multiple changes and multiple challenges for parents and children.

The number one concern for parents when separation and/or divorce is looming is “How is this going to affect the children?” The reliable research is now showing that under the right circumstances, children whose parents separate and divorce manage just as well in the long term as children whose parents stay together.

There are a number of ways parents can help their children cope with this change so that they continue to grow and develop, reaching their full potential as individuals.

Don’t fight: Stay out of conflict with the other parent.  High levels of prolonged conflict have been cited by research as the number one factor which leads to negative short and long term outcomes for children experiencing separation or divorce.

Keep children out of the middle:Avoid using the children as confidantes or messengers.  Find a way to communicate that doesn’t involve the children.  It is very important not to depend on them for emotional support.  They need you to support them through the difficulties.

Honesty: It is important to be honest. Children need to know something about the separation otherwise they will often blame themselves.   They need to be informed but not overwhelmed.  Make sure the information is age appropriate, for example, how you explain separation to a 3 year old will be quite different to how you explain it to a 13 year old.

Communicate: Give clear messages that you are open to talking with your children about their thoughts and feelings and that you are willing to listen and will try to answer any questions.

Consistency: One of the most important things for children at this time is stability and consistency.  Although some change is inevitable, try to keep as much as possible the same, for example, rules in the home, expectations of behaviour, routines, extra-curricular activities, and contact with extended family,. Continue to discipline and manage behaviour as you normally would even though it is difficult to be consistent when you are grieving or angry.  Children can adapt to differences between households as long as each household maintains consistency.  

Parenting Agreements: Develop a “Parenting Agreement” and negotiate arrangements for the children to ensure that they know that you are encouraging a continuing relationship with the other parent and their extended family.   Make agreements that focus at all times on the children’s needs.  

 

For more information or to make an appointment please call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.