Month: May 2011

Being Taken For Granted

The problem:  When we start to date someone special, our focus is on that person and building the relationship.  It can be one of the most joyous and happy times of our lives.  As time passes though, we can start to take our partners for granted assuming that they will always be around and doing the things that they have always done in the relationship.  This can be the start of a destructive pattern as one person may start to feel resentful that their contribution to the relationship is not being recognized or supported by the other person.

The solution:  Whether you have been with your partner for 6 weeks or 60 years, make sure you take the time to tell them you appreciate them, their efforts and that you really enjoy spending time with them.  Thank them for when they do something such as the washing or ironing and help out when you can.  You are likely to find that when you start thanking your partner for the ‘little things’ it won’t be long before you are also appreciated in return.

Communication Problems

The problem:  In the beginning, we listen with eagerness to everything the other person tells us, we laugh at every joke or anecdote and file away in our minds every experience or story that we learn about their life.  But after awhile, we start to ‘tune out’ a little as we hear repeated stories or comments.  This can affect the way that we communicate with our partners by not listening to what they are saying.  Poor communication causes frustration and friction in relationships.

The solution:  Switch off the television, radio, playstation, mobile telephone and sit in front of your partner so you are looking at each others faces so that you are not only hearing words but also reading the body language of the other person.  By giving your partner complete attention you can both communicate effectively in a short period of time without anyone having to repeat what they are saying because you are actively listening.  As a couple you should try to develop a time every day or every week where you sit down and talk about things that have been happening, how you are feeling, what has been troubling you and what is likely to happen in the next week (the kids are back at school, Tim needs to see the dentist) etc…

Intimacy

The problem:  At the start of the relationship, the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and the chemistry sizzled.  Now with two small children, you barely have time to greet each other in the mornings or the energy to stay awake past their bedtime.  When intimacy is lacking, the relationship between the couple can often be strained as one partner may feel that the other partner is no longer providing them with the love and reassurance that they experience at the start.

The solution:  Intimacy is not just about sex – it is about being close to your partner and can include kisses, hugs, holding hands, giving massages, stroking backs, going for walks together and generally spending time together doing things you both enjoy but as a couple.  While our lives are often so busy and if you add in small children, you may not be able to find the time nor energy to relive those sexual marathons of your dating days.  But if you are sitting watching television together, holding hands and a few kisses here and there can provide the intimacy that a couple needs to remind themselves of why they are together.

Time Poor

The problem:  When you were younger and in love and didn’t have a mortgage and family, you could spend hours together browsing flea markets, going to the beach and dining out.  But now it seems that with both of you working, being parents and trying to keep up with friends and family members, as well as participating in the local football club and the school P&C – there is never any time for just the two of you.  When you are both stretched and involved with other activities, a couple can often feel the strain.

 

The solution:  Write down a list of all of your family commitments and the day/time that is taken up by the activity.  Try to cut out a few activities and replace them with activities for the whole family or for just the two of you.  When you book in activities in your diary, block out sections of time each week just for the two of you.  Perhaps instigate a ‘date night’ where the two of you head out to a restaurant together, see a movie or just have a lovely meal at home undisturbed by television, the radio or any other activity.  We often prioritise time demands made of us by outside sources when we should be prioritising time spent with our partners and our families.

Family Interference

The problem:  When we become a couple, we often feel that it is just the two of us but not far into the relationship, we discover that our families are part of it as well.  Family members can mean well but may actually end up interfering in the choices a couple make.  Unwanted advice, although given with the best intentions, can cause problems for a couple.  This can result in external pressure on the relationship and could generate a few arguments between the couple and/or the other family members.

The solution:  As a couple you need to have discussed and agreed upon your position and assert this to your family members.  You must present a united and strong front if you want to minimize the disruption to your lives now and in the future.  Just as parents need to define boundaries for their children, couples need to define boundaries with their extended family members on what is or isn’t appropriate behaviour.

 

If you are having relationship difficulties that you are finding a challenge to manage, please seek assistance early through a counselling service such as Relationships Australia that have professionally trained and experienced counsellors that can assist couples and families.  If you seek help early, you may be able to minimize disruption to your family and your relationship.  Call 1300 364 277 for more information or to book an appointment.

Couples often express difficulty in communicating. Communication is a key component in creating solid foundations for a healthy relationship.  Good communication consists of three essential skills

• Listening to what the other person is saying,
• Expressing how you feel and what you think, and
• Accepting the other person’s opinions and feelings even when they are different from your own.

Dr John Gottman has found through his research into couples, that there are four communication “spoilers” that couples can do when they disagree, he calls them the four horsemen. They are:

• Criticism: saying there is something wrong/defective with your partner eg: “What kind of person are you?”.
• Contempt: taking the moral high ground eg: “My family wouldn’t be so low as to do something like that, unlike your family”.
• Defensiveness: Protecting or justifying behaviour by retaliation eg: “Yeah, but what about what you did”.
• Stonewalling: shutting down, associated with high physiological arousal and efforts to self-soothe with negative self-talk such as, “Here we go again, does she ever stop”.

If these horsemen are present when couples talk, it did does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but what it does mean is that each time couples engage in conversation, it makes it harder and harder to positively communicate and this may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

So how can we better communicate with our partner without using the horsemen?  There are some things that we can do that not only help get our message across to our partner, but also build a healthy relationship where both can openly and assertively express themselves.

• Choose the right time and place, not when you are busy or tired.  Make a special time
• Don’t go off on a tangent, stick to the issue
• Think of the positives as well.  It is hard to be nasty if you are thinking of good things about your partner.  You will find you can still get your point across but the insults will not be present.
• Make your point and encourage your partner to be involved.
• Accept that your partner and you can never think or feel the same about issues. 
• And finally be aware of gender differences in communication and discuss these differences, if they exist with you and your partner
  • Often men offer solutions to problems and want to achieve results whereas women want to share feelings and discuss difficulties
  • Men’s talk is concerned with exhibiting knowledge, passing on information, preserving status and independence. The emphasis for women is on displaying similarity, establishing connections and creating intimacy.
  • Some people tend to think internally and express the finished product of their thoughts, whereas others tend to think aloud, sharing their inner dialogue.

At Relationships Australia, we offer couple counselling which can assist you and your partner in building, re-building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia venue.

 

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

We can log on to the internet and meet new people every day and all we will know about them is what we see remotely on the screen – a photo, their internet username and how they choose to describe themselves.

We can strike up friendships and have computer-based conversations or telephone chats with people and never see them or speak to them in person.

The internet is an informal, anonymous place to meet people. People don’t know what you do or what you look like, aside from photos you may wish to post. You can change your gender, job, sexual preferences, age and culture. You are known only by what you write.

The risks of online relating

It can be exciting to explore internet opportunities, but there are risks involved. These risks are there when we choose to make a personal internet relationship. This might be moving from a public to a private chat room, starting to correspond by email, starting to communicate by telephone or arranging to meet.

The risks are highest when we move straight from the cyber-world into the real world, as we are basing our decision to meet the other person only on information we are told, not on something we can independently assess. When we meet someone in person we hear not only what they say, but notice their body language and non-verbal cues as well as their overall behaviour.

The internet can be a place of immense deception or great honesty, more honesty than some people would normally express in the real world; and this creates an interesting paradox. Existing healthily in the internet world involves knowing the difference, and being cautious at the right times.

If you choose to meet someone in person after meeting them on the internet, consider these tips:

 

1. Don’t go alone – have someone you trust with you and meet them in a public place.
2. Start the relationship anew. When people first meet and start new relationships they check each other out and then gradually reveal themselves, bit-by-bit bringing down their barriers and protection. When you meet an internet connection in person, treat it like a new beginning and make sure you have your barriers up, even if you think you know this person. They might not be who they say they are or who you expect them to be.
3. Be in control of what is happening. Don’t allow yourself to do anything that you don’t want to do and make sure you have ways to leave the situation safely.

For further information or to make an appointment to speak with one of our counsellors please call 1300 364 277.