Month: June 2011

Having a baby is a life changing event. Whether the decision to start a family was planned or unexpected, the impact of rearing a child can rattle even the most stable individuals or relationships.

In some circumstances, couples choose to have a baby to celebrate their stability or to strengthen their relationship. There are thoughts that building their own family will bring them closer together, and that life after childbirth will be a time of tenderness, intimacy, and maturity. The reality is however, that for most couples, the impact of lifestyle adjustments, role changes, changes social networks, and the need for stability and responsibility around child rearing all impact on their relationship.

More couples today are seeking relationship counselling after having a baby than ever before. This does not necessarily mean that the stresses are greater now than in previous years, but rather that more couples are recognizing when they need help.

Mothers and fathers respond and adjust to their newborn baby differently. Misunderstandings, conflicts and expectations can affect the relationship as a result.

A Mothers’ Stress:

New mothers are generally overwhelmed by the experience of child birth and their changing role in life. Before the pregnancy, they were individuals whose lives revolved around their social networks and careers, now their needs are secondary to those of the newborn child. Career women can go from high pressure deadlines and challenging projects, to days filled with nappy changes, feedings, washing and numerous other household duties. Most of these jobs are time consuming and repetitious which may lead to frustration and other negative emotions.

Fathers can assist the situation by trying to understand the pressures and demands on his partner in rearing a newborn. Simple chores can take much longer to complete due to regular interruptions.

After the birth of the child, a new mother experiences a sudden change in hormone levels which can leave her feeling out of sorts. Many new mothers can also have concerns relating to their body image. Some bodies transform overnight to their pre-pregnancy state, while others may never return to that state. Breasts look and feel different, especially if breast feeding, hips are wider, and it may be much harder to loose those extra kilo’s from around the belly and thigh regions. Most new mothers need reassurance from their partners that they are still attractive.

A women’s libido generally is fairly low after birth, as muscles are stretched, and the stress and fatigue of caring for the newborn can reduce feelings of intimacy..    

A Fathers’ Stress:

Many fathers have difficulty making a connection with an unborn child. It is sometimes difficult for them to imagine the impact that the child will have on themselves and their relationship with their partner, until the infant is tangible and present.

Some new fathers sometimes feel left out, isolated, and may even see the new baby as a sort of competition for attention and affection. As a result, they may withdraw and may become depressed. Mothers can help by including the father in the care of the newborn baby. It is important for mothers to take advantage of his offers to spend one-on-one time with the baby. Fathers may do things differently, but with time and practice, they will find their own way of tackling situations. Taking care of the baby alone, is the best way for fathers to get to know their newborn child and establish a strong bond.

Postnatal Depression

Coping with the day-to-day demands of a new baby and adjusting to a major life change, can make some women more likely to experience depression or anxiety at this time, particularly if they’ve experienced depression and/or anxiety in the past. Around one in seven Australian mothers experiences postnatal depression. Anxiety is even more common and both anxiety and depression can occur during pregnancy.

Fathers can also suffer the symptoms and effects of PND. Feeling out of control, sadness, tearfulness, overwhelming sense of worthlessness, sleep disturbances, changes in eating habits, loss of sexual energy, withdrawal, and feeling that you may hurt yourself or your newborn child, are all signs and symptoms of Postnatal Depression. Should you or your partner be experiencing any of the above signs or symptoms, you should seek medical assistance immediately.

Getting back on track

It is important for couples to still spend quality time together. Communication and compassion for the other partner is vital for the relationship and their new family unit.

Here are a few helpful ways that you can improve your relationship with your partner after having a baby.

• Find time to connect with each other. Simple plans are often the best. Make time alone together a priority and you’ll find a way to make it happen.
• Talk to each other. Let the other person know the good and bad aspects of your day. They can’t care if they don’t know.
• Both parents have to care for themself, so that they are able to care for their baby in a better way. Take turns in taking a break from caring for your newborn baby as and when you need.
• Walking is the best exercise, If you can, 30 minutes everyday, can boost endorphin levels, which in turn relieves tension.
• Eating regularly and nutritiously. Consult a health professional for information on healthy eating, particularly if breastfeeding.

When you are busy with a new child, it can be difficult to find the time to get to either a doctor or a counsellor, but relationship stress, conflict, or postnatal depression should not be left untreated for a prolonged period of time. 

Relationships Australia has branches throughout Australia which assist couples to refocus on their relationship and what is important to them. You can make an appointment at your nearest Relationships Australia branch on 1300 364 277.  Or you can access ParentLine telephone counselling between 8am to 10 pm, 7 days a week on 1300 30 1300 for parenting difficulties. For more information on Postnatal Depression, visit the Beyondblue website at www.beyondblue.org.au

Some people find it difficult to say no.  This often leads to them feeling as though they have no control over their life.  People who find it difficult to say no also spend a great deal of time doing things for others.  Things that they really do not want to do.  This can often lead to resentment and frustration building, which can potentially poison relationships.  Saying ‘no’ to others demands helps put us back into the drivers seat and means we have more control over our life and time.

If saying ‘no’ is, a good thing to do then why do so may people struggle with it?  There are a number of beliefs that suggest why people struggle to say no, such as

• Saying ‘no’ is rude and aggressive
• Saying ‘no’ is unkind, selfish and uncaring
• Saying ‘no’ will hurt others
• If I say ‘no’ to someone they will cease to like me, or
• Saying ‘no’ over a little things is petty and small-minded.

The key is to challenge some of these beliefs, just because you say ‘no’ does not mean you are rejecting the person; you are refusing a request not the person.  Furthermore, other people have the right to ask, and you have the right to refuse. 

So what are some ways to say ‘No’?  I use several methods when I am working with people in becoming more assertive.  For example, you could try

1. ‘Thank you’, then ‘no’eg: “thank you for thinking of me but I am unavailable”.
2. Reflective listening, then ‘no’.  Reflect the content of the request and then state your ‘no’, eg: “I understand your are short of money at the moment, but I am unable to help you”.
3. The reasoned ‘no’.  You can say ‘no’ and give a very clear explanation as to why, eg: “No, I’ve agreed to spend time with your father today”.
4. The raincheck ‘no’.  You have to say ‘no’ but you may be able to help in the future, eg: “No, I can’t drive you to your friend’s house, but I will have time tomorrow”.
5. The ‘no’ sandwich.  The first layer is a statement acknowledging what the other person wants from you.  The second layer (or the meat in the sandwich) is your refusal and the third layer is your reason, eg: “I understand you have a deadline, but I can’t help you today as I have already made commitments.
6. The broken record ‘no’.  Constantly repeating the same statement regardless of their pleas, eg: “No, I am unable to help you”.
7. The simple ‘No”.  Sometimes by offering no explanation, there is less opportunity for the person to persist.

By expressing our feelings openly and honestly and saying no to things we really do not want to do, actually allows others to know us and helps us feel better.  It also helps us to feel better about who we are.

At Relationships Australia, we can assist you in developing assertiveness and if you are in a drought declared area and affected by the drought, a fisherperson affected by the change in fishery laws or a sugar worker affected by changes to the industry our counselling services are free.  Call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

In our modern society, life moves pretty fast.  Going to the bank can be instantaneous at the click of a button.  We have faster, more efficient cars so we can get to our destinations quicker.  We can sit in our fast, efficient cars and order fast food.  We can even talk and see people in real time, which may be on the other side of the globe on our mobile phones while waiting for our fast food, while sitting in our fast efficient car.

Being able to do things faster and get things done quickly has led to the pace of life increasing.  As the pace of life has increased, there has also been an increase in stress related illnesses as well, such as coronary heart disease and strokes.

Even though we all have different temperaments, for some people life is a constant rush.  Rushing from one activity to the next, moving from one achievement to the next, always using every minute of the day, cramming as much in as possible into one week.  This style of behaviour often has roots in early childhood where the ‘need to achieve’ and be successful is instilled.  A person with this temperament style could be referred to as possessing, Type A Behaviour.

The difficulty that arises with Type A Behaviour is that it can often lead to problems with stress, ‘hurry sickness’, or even have fatal consequences.

Some of the characteristics of someone with Type A Behaviour are

• Competitiveness:  an overriding need to achieve;
• Hurry Sickness: an intense sense of time urgency;
• Hostility: inappropriate aggression if progress is impeded;
• Joyless striving: always on the go, with many projects at once;
• Inability to relax: difficulty turning off.

Though it may seem that Type A behaviour can mean that a lot is achieved, the down side is that if we constantly are go go go, eventually it takes a toll on our bodies.  

So what can you do if you feel you might be a candidate for Type A behaviour?

• Have a chat to your GP, or a mental health professional
• learn how to relax
• leave work such as reports, at work
• turn off your work mobile phone when you are on week-ends/holidaystry doing one thing at a time
• don’t make and constantly update to-do lists

For further information on ways to manage issues such as Type A behaviour call 1300 364 277 to find your nearest Relationships Australia branch.