Month: July 2011

The word bereavement means, ‘to be robbed of something valued’.  Often bereavement is described as the emotional reactions felt following the death of a loved one, although most often applied when the loss involves a death it can be applied to many other situations such as the loss of a relationship.

Grieving, like so many other parts of our lives, is a process that people go through in stages.  When we lose someone, we have to adjust to the loss. This process takes time and varies from individual to individual.  Furthermore, it is not uncommon for individuals to move back and forth between stages.

There are five recognizable stages in bereavement. They are:

Stage one – shock/denial.  The reality of the loss takes time to sink in.  Initial reactions vary from numbness, denial, disbelief and hysteria, to not being able to think straight.  This natural reaction helps cushions us against the loss and allows us to feel it more slowly and cope with it better.

Stage two – Protests/anger.  At this stage the person protests that the loss cannot be real.  Strong and powerful feelings occur, such as anger, guilt, sadness, fear, yearning and searching, while the person struggles between denying and accepting the reality of what has happened.    During this stage, anger can manifest itself in many ways; we can blame ourselves, others may easily be agitated and have emotional outbursts.  During this stage care must be taken to not turn the anger inwards. It is better to release the anger as this helps with the grieving process.

Stage three- bargaining.  During this stage, bargaining can be between ourselves. or depending on your beliefs, with your god.  Often, we will offer something to try and take the reality of what has happened away.  Sometimes we may try and make deals to have our loved ones back as they were before the event.  It is only human to want things as they were before. 

Stage four – disorganization.  This is the stage when the reality of the loss is only too real.  This is the low point of the grief process, characterized by bleakness, despair, depression, apathy, anxiety and confusion.  The person may feel that the feelings will go on forever.  Out of all the stages, this stage is generally the most difficult, as individuals may enter a depressive state.  Sometimes thoughts of self-harm may occur.  If these thoughts do occur, professional help is needed.

Stage five- Reorganisation.  The person begins to rebuild their life, acquiring more balance and able to remember happier times.  They are able to accept the loss and regain some energy and plan for the future.  The person returns to previous functioning, but often with changed values and new meaning to life.  They may still have thoughts of their loved one, but less intense and less frequent.  It may take some time to get here, but it will happen.

Some of the tasks involved in grieving.

Accepting the loss:the starting point of grief is intellectually and emotionally to accept the loss.  At first the person experiencing the loss cannot comprehend it and may cling to the belief that the person is still there.

Feel the pain:An array of emotions are allowed, recognisedand experienced. The pain of grief is very real, and as with any pain may be avoided. However, it is an essential part of the process and must be acknowledged and worked through.  Some avoid the pain by keeping busy, others say to themselves that they must be strong; however, in the longer term, it is helpful if painful feelings are expressed.

Talking about it:  talking about regrets, fears and anger is helpful.  If you are the listener, encourage the person to talk of the deceased, how they are feeling and what they are experiencing. Sometimes, just being present and listening is all the person grieving needs.

Take one day at a time:  grieving takes time; there are no limits and it is not a process that can be hurried.  Some people feel pressured to “get over it” or “move on”, but for some, grieving can take years. It takes as long as it takes.

Be your own best friend:look after yourself, eat well, and take time to retreat. Take care not to become completely isolated, as family and friends and other social supports are important in helping cope with grief.

Write a letter from the heart.  Write a letter saying everything you wished you had said to the person while they were alive .  Write about the good things and the bad things, the things your liked most and least. Also write about the things you could never talk about and how you will remember the deceased.  Say goodbye in your own time and in your own way.

References

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook; revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: UK.

Ireson Computing Ltd (2005).  Coping with the five stages of grieving retrieved 6 April2005, at http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

In the movie series Back to the Future, Marty McFly struggles with being called chicken.  Initially, when Marty retaliated, things work out in his favour, but as the movie series progresses every time Marty is called chicken his reaction to the name-calling gets him into more and more trouble.  His assertive behaviour towards Biff changes and by the second movie in the series, he is outwardly aggressive to everyone who calls him chicken, including his boss.

Of course, the movie series was done in a manner to entertain viewers, but there is an element of truth behind the way in which we can react to others and outwardly display dissatisfaction.

There are payoffs to reacting with anger as with what Marty initially found. You are likely to secure the material needs and objects you desire.  You can get others to do your bidding.  You can grow to like the feeling of control in shaping your life and things can tend to go your way (for a while). 

However, there is a price for acting out aggressive behaviour.  As Marty found, aggressive behaviour created enemies, inducing fear and paranoia, making life more difficult for him.   Maintaining that feeling of control takes time and mental energy and this makes it difficult to relax.  If relationships are based on negative emotions, they are likely to be unstable.

So what can we do to reduce our anger?  

Do somedeep, slow breathing.  Funnily enough, when we are tense or angry, we tend to stop breathing or take very shallow breaths and this makes us more tense.  So take several deep breath and feel yourself start to relax.

Try to think of happy thoughts or see the funny side/irony to the situation.  You can get your mind to switch to another emotional state by thinking of something that made you laugh or smile (think of your partner, children or pet).

Change a negative into a positive.  You can switch the incident around to a positive by saying things like ‘at least I am OK and I am not like them’, or ‘at least I don’t drive like that’ or ‘I wouldn’t make that decision and annoy other drivers’.

Walk away for the situation.  Not every situation do we need to stand and fight.  If we fought every battle then we are going to tire ourselves.  Even though we may not get to say what we wanted to say, by walking away we also stop ourselves from saying the things we DID NOT want to say.

There are also things that we may do when we are angry which are unhelpful. Stopping some of these behaviours can reduce our anger.  One thing that is unhelpful is replaying the event in your mind which will keep you feeling angry and tense and can impair your judgment. 

Another unhelpful behaviour is storing up the anger.  Anger is not just an emotion; it also has a physical element.  When you get a chance, go for a walk or engage in some other healthy physical exertion (a swim, jog, or kicking a ball) in order to get a physical release of the emotional energy that you are storing when you are angry.  It will help you to feel calm again.

If all else fails, remember the Back to the Future series and how we can have short-term gains, but these can lead to long-term unhealthy behaviours.  Sometimes we may be successful, as Marty was, with improvising the little girl’s scooter and creating a skateboard in the first movie, other times our anger can lead us into trouble, as with Marty losing his job in the second movie. 

Reference

Back to the Future movie trilogy (1985 -1990). Universal Studios.

Barlow, R. & Williams E. (1998).  Anger Control Training.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

Powell, T. (2000).  The mental health handbook: Revised edition.  Speechmark Publishing Ltd: United Kingdom.

This article was written and supplied by Relationships Australia Queensland. Any reproduction of this article is prohibited unless agreed upon by Relationships Australia Queensland.

Okay so lets get the issue right out in the open.  Some men do not think that counselling is a ‘male thing to do’ that it shows weakness, and is girlie.  Some would say that counselling does not fit the Aussie/ rural bloke image, you know with all that ‘feelings’ stuff!

You may be surprised to know that more men than ever are using counselling services and it is not always because they are being dragged there by their wives! Men are using their initiative to book appointments to speak to trained professional about their issues and concerns.

You don’t have to be a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) or Metro-sexual (you know the guys who use facial products) to think about using counselling.  The every day bloke just like you and your mates can benefit from counselling.

What you talk about in counselling is up to you.  It might be that you have been feeling low and are not happy, you might be having problems with the wife, someone close to you might have passed away, thinking about changing jobs, or feeling stressed in general.  There are no judgements in counselling and it is confidential.

A counsellor can help you to develop strategies and ways to cope with your problems, make decisions about where you will go from the current situation, or to just be there as an ear for you to talk about what’s on your mind. 

Also very important – not all Counsellors are women – there are men too.  You can choose a Male or Female counsellor; all are qualified and experienced in their field.  While not all of our branches have Male counsellors available for face to face counselling, we can organise telephone counselling with one.

Relationships Australia Queensland offers a wide range of services. Have a look at our Website for our full list of services and branches http://www.raq.org.au

Call us to see how we can help you.  Phone 1300 364 277.