Month: February 2013

If you’ve been watching ABC Television’s fantastic series ‘Making Couples Happy‘, you would have had an introduction to the Five Love Languages on last night’s episode. One of our Gladstone counsellors, Denise Reichenbach, who writes a fortnightly column for The Gladstone Observer, shares her experience on the importance of understanding what says *love* to your partner:

Who has not heard of or experienced a scenario like this: Hubby is mowing the lawn with diligent commitment every weekend and really feels like he has accomplished something and what’s more, also displayed to his wife, that he cares, eg. for the place they live at, and loves her. Well, at least that is what he thinks. While the lady of the house is giving hint after hint, speaking of flowers and little gifts, only to be disappointed  by never receiving them. Her frustration is growing and after a while she does not feel listened to nor seen by her husband, while he feels that whatever he does is never acknowledged and all his sweetheart does is nag and complain.

I am sure, if we would speak to them individually, they would probably say that they love their  opposite very much indeed. So, how then can it be that inside ourselves, we know with absolute certainty, that we love our partner – but somehow along the way the display of love and appreciation is being misunderstood or completely lost in translation?!

Some people may say that it feels like there is distance growing between them. They talk of  feeling  disconnected, almost like standing at the opposite side of a canyon or river, shouting at each other that they love him or her, but the meaning gets lost under way and something completely different is being received – and all the while the gap is growing larger. This can be an enormous frustration for couples and it often feels to them like they are banging their head against the wall.

Now I am sure we all have asked ourselves the simple question “WHY”? Why is it so hard to be understood, by the very person we love the most and feel most intimate and comfortable with?

The answer here is rather simple really – because we are  and will always be different. This is not a bad thing at all. We have had individual upbringings, beliefs, values and expectations when it comes to our relationships and we each have specific, even unique ways of showing our love.

A book titled “Five Love Languages” deals with exactly this topic. Its author Gary Chapman concludes that people express their love in five different ways, although I would say that there are probably quite a few more. Specifically he talks about gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, “quality time” and affection.

Now, if we could find out what our partner’s “ love language” is, would that not make life a lot easier and straightforward?  The key to this is communication, to sit down and talk with each other, reflect on when we feel loved, what makes us feel appreciated.

And last but not least its important that the very reason of disagreeing and experiencing differences in our relationships is what brought us together in the first place. That we are different to our partner and we chose to get into a relationship exactly for the reason to not just be with the same familiar person every day, which is ourselves.

So it is not at all about trying to change our loved ones, or trying to make them more like us. It is about accepting our differences and cherishing them and communicate with each other, which brings us to the subject of the my next column, which is acceptance. Most couples state that accepting their partner for who they are is their major challenge and it is often the area, where they feel, the most work is required.

Denise Reichenbach

Some people celebrate Valentine’s Day, and others think it’s just a commercial farce. Whatever way you look at it, this might be a good time to think about the work that you are putting into your relationship every day of the year.

Research by Relationships Australia and the Australian National University has shown that couples who participate in relationship education courses are more likely to be happier in their relationships, find it easier to communicate their concerns, and deal with conflict.

Relationships Australia offers a range of courses throughout the year, including Building Better Relationships. It’s for couples of all ages, stages and sexuality. Facilitator, Sue Wilson, shares her experience of the course’s success.

“One couple recently (let’s call them Val and Terry) made us all laugh at the last session of the six-week course. Val said, “This course has been much better than counselling.” Terry said, “But you’ve never been to counselling in your life!”

I love the fact that the groups have fun and grow to trust each other (within the bounds of strict confidentiality, of course.) The facilitators make sure that participants feel at ease but also challenged to make the changes they choose in their lives. And we keep the groups to a maximum of seven couples so it’s all quite interactive.

One of the topics is the “five languages of love.” In their quiet couple sharing during this session, Val and Terry listened generously to each other and discovered they had very different “love languages.” Val often left little cards all over the house, expressing her love for Terry. Now it became clear that Terry felt embarrassed by these cards. So instead Val began to do something that Terry had been longing for – a simple cup of tea in bed in the mornings! And Terry made a point of saying thank you and leaving her an occasional card! Val said to me, “Suddenly I felt loved again.”

They’re not the only couple who find that simply listening to each other is the most important step in healing or building a relationship. As the Australian researcher Hugh Mackay has said, in The Good Listener, “Listening is an act of courage, generosity and patience.” Terry demonstrated that speaking honestly about your own feelings and needs is also important. Terry said to Val, “I want to listen well, and yet I get tired and confused by too many words. I need to take a break after twenty minutes.” So that became a helpful guideline for both of them.

In fact, we invite all the couples to draw up their own guidelines for Conflict Resolution. These often become known as the couple’s own Fighting Rules! Terry and Val wrote four key things for their behaviour and put them up on their fridge: “Notice when Val ‘demands’ and Terry ‘withdraws.’ Take time out when either of us gets angry. Both of us calm ourselves until we can talk sensibly. Have a hug that lasts for more than seven seconds.” Their friends saw the “Fighting Rules” on their fridge, and they all had a chat about their relationships – first time they had ever opened up such an intimate exchange.

This couple’s evaluation at the end of the course included a lovely comment: “We came to the course believing that our long marriage was probably not worth the effort that we thought we were putting into it. Now we seem to have a bright future together.” “

If you’d like to attend a Building Better Relationships course for couples, they are running throughout the year at Relationships Australia Spring Hill (and some other venues around Queensland.)

The courses typically run over six consecutive evenings, from 6pm–8.30pm. Cost is currently $110 per person, per course.

At Spring Hill, the start dates of the next courses are:

Monday 8 April; Monday 8 July; and Monday 14 October.

Please phone 1300 364 277 to find out more about what Relationships Australia has to offer you, in your own area.