Month: November 2013

The relationship between parents and their children is one the strongest bonds that human beings can have with each other. This connection is of utmost importance for all children.

Children will develop their sense of self in relation to their parents. If the bond is strong and secure, the child will know that his or her needs are attended to and that it is safe to explore the world, as well as relationships with other people.

Now this sounds almost perfect doesn’t it? Except it sounds like we need to do everything right in relation to our children, otherwise they will damaged forever. I am sure all parents can feel the enormous pressure on their shoulders just by reading this.

In reality though, we will make mistakes and we will probably make a lot of them. This is OK! We all make mistakes, because we are human beings, and making mistakes is our way of improving and learning.

It is important to note though, that any form of physical, emotional and verbal abuse towards children is never acceptable and should not be tolerated.

There are a number of ways to show our children boundaries and respect. The first one is to be the best role model we can be. If we are respectful and polite to other people, our children will learn this from us. If we are not afraid to show our feelings and looking for support from others, our children will do the same. It will make them more resilient and flexible to deal with life’s challenges along the way.

Attachment has long been discussed to be the absolute basis in regard to the development of children. While this is mostly true it does not mean there is no room for error. Not all of us have had the perfect up-bringing. Some of us might have experienced betrayal, the loss of a parent through separation, or abandonment in childhood. These experiences do have an affect on our current adult relationships, which is important to be aware of, as this can lead us to a greater understanding of our vulnerabilities.

Luckily, human beings have the power of healing and integrating pain, betrayal and mistrust – of being happy and adjusted individuals, partners, and parents.

 

 

— Denise Reichenbach is an educator and counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland

How is it that we can live in a smooth routine with our partner and everything just seems to flow? We have found our unique slice of heaven with a companion and nothing can go wrong. Being in our comfort zone is very important to us human beings, as it helps us to feel safe, secure and in control. No one likes the feeling of loosing control, so most of the time we are very busy trying to maintain the status quo, even if we are actually quite annoyed with our partner.

This need for predictability is deeply ingrained in us. It helps to plan and foresee the things which in reality are not very foreseeable. So most of us make small deals with ourselves in relationships, which help us tolerate some behaviours in exchange for certain feelings like comfort, love and security.

Sometimes, however, these negotiations do not seem to add up for us any more. For some couples it can take years to recognise, that they have grown apart. The “WE“ has become a “YOU and ME”. Suddenly things are not so comfortable any more and arguments seem to be a regular form of communication.

It can be a very daunting experience to admit to ourselves our relationship is not working as it used to.

Most couples agree that looking back, they noticed these problems, but choose to ignore them for a greater good.

When couples find themselves at this stage in their life, it is usually a make or break decision. Resentment, anger and frustration have been held inside for many years and it feels like “growing apart has happened for too long and we cannot find our way back to the comfortable home zone, we once called our marriage.”

It does not have to be this way. There are many couples, who have a very happy, long lasting relationship extending over many years. The secret to their happiness is not that they never fight or argue, or that they are not going through hard times. In fact, quite the opposite!

Their seemingly secret ingredient is surprisingly simple – they do not take each other for granted. And they work on their love.

Love is a commitment we make to somebody at some stage in our life and it is up to us, if we honour that commitment. With the right motivation, our relationship can grow stronger, if we care for it. The rewards at the end will be more than we hoped for.

 

–Denise Reichenbach is a counsellor and community educator with Relationships Australia Spring Hill

Our world has changed dramatically in the last decade – we have moved from simple landline telephone calls and letters to an era where almost everything is done online.

It has become a requirement to find our way through the webs of the internet and speak the digital language fluently. Almost everybody owns a smart phone by now and we are never short of using them.

We have become so immersed in the online dimension, most of us do not recognise the use of technology not only has enormous advantages, but also downfalls.

When almost any information you need is instantly available by a quick type and search, there is never any time for our brain to truly switch off.

The digital age has also changed our way of communicating with each other. A lot of our interaction is now online; we are bridging gaps of distance and time, which we would have not been able to fill otherwise. It is enormously reassuring, knowing we can be in contact with friends and family every day, whether they live in Perth or Singapore. In this regard the world has become a lot closer and cosier, but in other ways we have established more distance between ourselves than we have ever before. Nowadays we look to our phone when we get lost in a new place, we never really ask other people for directions anymore.

Even when sitting together in cafes and restaurants, we seem to interact more with our phones than the people around us. It is like we need to constantly check what is going on with our friends on Facebook or Twitter, and in the process we forget and dismiss real human connection. This phenomenon has also spread into the workplace, where employees are checking their emails 24/7. People are finding it increasingly hard to say “NO” to these expectations, instead of drawing healthy boundaries between work and family time.

It is like we are constantly wired into a stream of communication, status updates on Facebook and hourly news from all around the world. It just goes on and on and on…when does it ever stop, so that our mind can have a break?

Most of us don’t realise nor recognise the impact of being constantly connected with the Online-World. It is a subtle influence that keeps our brainwaves constantly on alert. Like a giant stream of buzzing activity, that never allows us to rest or be fully present in the moment.

When was the last time, we actually observed the world around us and stood still for a while? 

 

–Denise Reichenbach, Counsellor and Educator, Relationships Australia