Month: May 2014

Being in the middle of two angry parents stinks…

Here’s a letter that arrived together with the usual mail:

“I am in the 8th grade. My English class is writing an essay on a topic that is important to us. I chose to do the effects divorce has on a teen. As I was on Google I saw your article on the same topic and it helped me a lot. I was wondering if you could take some time and send me some more information on that topic.

If more people understood the things divorce can do to a child or teen, maybe adults will think twice before they marry the wrong person and might find the right person to settle down with.

I was a victim of divorce. I know how it is. My parents fought and fought until they had enough. I was put in the middle of everything and had to make tough choices that I didn’t really want to. I don’t want anyone to experience what I did.

I really think this is an important issue. Thank you for taking the time and reading this letter.”

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Thank you for taking the time to write this letter.

There is no doubt about it. Divorce stinks, especially for children. If I had a magic wand, I would make divorce with children disappear. (Most of the time; sometimes divorce is the better option, usually because the alternatives are even worse.)
If I had a magic wand, I would also make every couple right for each other. But as my young correspondent surely will discover in the years to come, it isn’t so easy to find the right person, or to know whether the person you think is right really is.
Still, I want to be clear. I spend a lot of time in my academic and professional career trying to make divorce less difficult, especially for children. But this does not mean that I am “pro-divorce.” Actually, the opposite is true. I’m old school. I am very much in favor of promoting enduring, happy marriages, especially when children are involved.
On the other hand, to me it seems backwards to promote marriage by making divorce even more painful, as some marriage advocates want to do. Why can’t we promote marriage by working to make marriage better (including by encouraging realistic expectations of marriage)?
But my ideas on how to promote marriage is a topic I’ll address in another blog one day.
Right now, I want to focus on a different issue that my letter writer raised. Since we haven’t eliminated divorce, can we do something about one of the worst parts for kids? Getting caught in the middle of all the fighting between your parents.

You don’t have to think very deeply to recognize that being in the middle of a divorce is an uncomfortable place.

Picture yourself having dinner with divorcing friends. You like them both, and are trying to be supportive. But they get into an argument. Things get louder and angrier. You fail in your efforts to distract them. Even when you ask, they won’t calm down. And now they each start to look toward you, seeking an ally in their escalating dispute. Pretty soon they start talking to each other through you. “Tell him that…” “Well, you can tell her that…” Finally, one of them storms off, yelling at you. “You won’t see me again, not as long as you’re friends with… that thing.”
Places like this are where many children live before, during, and long after a divorce. It’s not a very happy, comfortable, or child-friendly place.
I’m sure my correspondent could tell lots of real life stories like my hypothetical, and worse. Much worse. I’ve heard, and seen, a million of them.
In fact, I have a collection of photographs of torn down, blown up, and cut-in-two houses. All products of divorce. It’s one thing to destroy your property. It’s something else to do this to your children. In an effort to get back at their ex, or just because their own anger is so out of control, sadly too many divorcing parents end up hurting their kids. Blind rage.
Now, let me be clear. I’m not trying to deny anyone their anger. Divorce stinks for adults too. People going through a divorce have a lot of good reasons to be angry. If you’re getting divorced, you should be angry at your ex.

By all means, be angry. Be furious. I won’t deny you your rage. If you don’t have children, indulge yourself.
But if you’re a divorcing or divorced parent, you can’t or shouldn’t indulge. Instead, if you’re a divorcing or divorced parent I want you to try to do some things that are emotionally unnatural. Look beyond your rage. Try to understand how you’re really feeling. Try especially to control and contain your anger around your children and its consequences for them.

Here are some questions for divorcing partners who are also parents.
Is your anger hiding other, perhaps more honest feelings? Hurt? Pain? Grief? Longing? Fear? Guilt?
Can you really get 100% divorced if you have children?
Even if you have a right to be angry, do your children need to be exposed to your anger?
Have you exhausted all of your Gandi tactics in dealing with your ex’s anger – or are you still rising to take the bait?
Is it possible that your children have a point of view about their father or mother that’s different from your feelings about your ex?
Can someone be a jerk as a husband or wife, but still be an OK parent, or at the very least, the only mother or father a child has?
Do you still want your children to be dealing with your anger in a few years? When they graduate from high school? College? At your son’s or daughter’s wedding? When your grandchildren are born?
Can you find a way to love your children more than you may hate your ex?

You know the right answers to these questions. But doing what you know you should do isn’t easy for anyone, especially parents, in the middle of the upheaval of divorce. I get that.
But this isn’t about you. Or about your ex, no matter what a miserable, Axis II, selfish whatever she or he may be.
It’s about your kids and their parents.
It’s about finding a way to be a parent, even as your marriage is unraveling.
It’s about doing your job as parents and as co-parents, so your kids can be kids, not forever children of divorce.
Stay tuned for more specific suggestions on how to do that, emotionally, practically, legally.

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Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. is a Professor of Psychology and well regarded international practice-based researcher. His research about the often overlooked, intense emotional cost of separation and divorce for children and parents is extensively cited around the world.

In July, we are honoured to be hosting Dr Emery on a tour of Queensland, to give a series of lectures, including the 15/16 July 2014 in Brisbane, entitled “The Truth About Children and Divorce.” Not afraid of controversy, Dr Emery will invite you to discuss his research on topics including infant overnights, randomised trials of mediated and litigated child custody disputes, and coparenting conflict and attachment.

Dr Emery’s explanation of high emotion, especially anger, has helped many family mediators deal with emotion in the room and also to understand how the length of separation affects and predicts behavior. The connection between how adults handle their emotions at separations and the effects on their children is the key Dr Emery can use to unlock many puzzles for mediators, family lawyers and other workers in the separation field.

Blog post originally published on January 21, 2009 by Robert E. Emery, Ph.D.

When a marriage ends in separation and children are involved, the parents, Family Court Judges and professionals, must decide on separated parenting arrangements (previously known as ‘custody’), with the child’s best interests in mind. This is an issue wrestled with all over the world, as legislators must decide on the ‘standard’ amount of custody the non-resident parent should have, and when arrangements should vary from the norm.

What represents the child’s best interests? Is it best represented by:

A. Current and future happiness
B. Spiritual and religious development with a preference for stability over creativity
C. Future capacity to become a productive member of society
D. A preference for  emotional depth over discipline or self-sacrifice

Many people would argue it is all of the above, and more. Dr Robert Emery (et al.) pose the difficult questions which inform the ultimate problem. In their paper, A Critical Assessment of Child Custody Evaluations ( Emery, Otto & O’Donohue 2005) they propose that firstly, there should be increased efforts for separated parents to reach their own solutions with support. This generally infers mediation. They also feel there should be “Clearer and determinative” legislation and constricted parameters for Family Court Reports (FCR) or evaluations. Finally, they recommend that FCRs rely only on the law and scientifically based assessments, rather than on non-evidenced personal thoughts and preferences.

I suggest that most western societies are moving toward mediation or other methods of supported solutions, some faster, some slower. The province of Alberta in Canada for example is currently undergoing a process of creating a more integrated approach to family law driven by the judiciary and government. The state of Victoria, Australia, is rolling out a model that has great possibilities in Family Law but is directed more toward welfare services.

The jury is out on clearer and determinative rules in legislation and constricted parameters. The authors suggest that the approximation rule, where post separation child residence resembles pre separation care involvement, is a reasonable substitute. The authors identify some of the pitfalls such an approach would involve. I would argue that while turning a possible convention (this is how we do it here) into a code (or legislative requirement) promotes an environment of clarity it may also amplify injustice and promote conflict.

Relying on scientifically based assessments will always be contentious, as in effect, society is legislating on people’s emotions. Further, FCRs will always contain an element of subjectivity.  As mediators we may be diligent in working from as neutral a position as possible. However, holding the dominant convention is possibly not neutrality but reinforcing “this is how we do it here”.

It can be so much more powerful to do something because we believe in it, and that includes the ability to challenge and reflect on that belief, rather than to do something because it is the right thing to do under the legislation.

 

Ian Connop, Clinical Supervisor and POP Coordinator, Relationships Australia Queensland

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Over the next eight weeks, we will invite two guest bloggers from our talented pool of Relationships Australia counsellors and mediators, to explore the topics of children and divorce, including child custody/co-parenting, mediation, and anger. In July, we are honoured to be hosting Robert Emery, Ph.D., a Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia. Dr Emery will be touring Queensland with Relationships Australia, to give a series of lectures, including the 15/16 July 2014 in Brisbane, entitled “The Truth About Children and Divorce.”