Month: November 2015

Relationships Australia (National) recently launched a new website, www.humankind-relationships.com.au to support people living with chronic illness and their loved ones to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
Humankind provides relationship information, support and resources appropriate for people living with a chronic illness and for the families, friends and practitioners that support them. 

“All couples experience hard times, though living with a chronic illness or with a partner who is chronically ill can have a dramatic impact on your relationship,” Alison Brook, National Executive Officer Relationships Australia said. 
“When dealing with chronic illness relationship issues are often overlooked, however the research tells us that good relationship health is fundamental to overall wellbeing. Working to improve your most important relationships can lead to better health outcomes. This is what the Humankind website aims to help people do,” Ms. Brook said.

The name Humankind comes from the notion that it is human to experience chronic illness and it is natural for humans to want to help each other when times are tough.  Being kind is the corner stone to healthy and long lasting relationships.  The message from Humankind is to be kind to yourself and others.

Humankind was developed by Relationships Australia with the assistance of a Health Access Grant from Medtronic, a global leader in medical technology.

 

written by Jude, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Relationship Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

Conflict is invariably seen as negative and therefore has the power to become destructive. But conflict can be positive if handled thoughtfully. For this to happen each person needs to accept responsibility for resolution. We only have three choices in life – put up with things the way they are; make changes that give a greater level of satisfaction; or walk away.  Sometimes this can be a difficult choice especially when the conflict is within an intimate relationship.

In the main there are four things that have the potential to light the fuse.

1. In most arguments each person insists that they are right.  This of course means that someone has to be wrong.  I wonder who becomes the umpire.
2. Not listening and not engaging displays arrogance, disinterest and disrespect.  Resolving conflict requires a commitment to move forward and therefore it requires attention and intention and an acknowledgement that it takes at least two people to continue to battle.
3. When we judge another person or assume we know what they want; what they feel or what they are thinking, there is an essence of superiority.  “I know more about it than you”,  “You know you don’t like going to the beach”,  waves a red flag.
4. Unresolved conflict will escalate when aggression moves to anger and rage.  Similarly passive behavior, “Whatever you want”, will also ensure the problem remains a problem.  Assertiveness lets the other person know how you feel, what you would like if it is said with respect.

So, there are a few things that can become indelible and remain in our unconscious competence when faced with a conflictual situation.

• BE CURIOUS NOT FURIOUS.  Rage and fury escalate conflict – being curious leads to solving the problem. “How do you think we could approach this?”, Are you feeling OK to talk?”, “I can see you are upset, what do you need right now?”. Curiosity increases understanding, helps to engage the other person, gathers information, focuses on feelings and demonstrates hope.
• DELETE FROM THE VOCABULARY words like always, never, just and do not start sentences with the judgement word you, “You always carry on like this.”.
• FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOUR which raised the blood pressure, not on the person. This means being aware of body language. It is amazing how a raised eyebrow or hands on hips can be seen as provocation. Keeping the conversation about behaviour reduces the emotion which reduces the tension.
• BE HONEST AND HUMBLE.  This goes a long way. Owning up to a mistake, not justifying or defending or blaming can sometimes stop an argument in its tracks.
• ACKNOWLEDGE THE EFFECT your behaviour has on the recipient and validate the feeling it creates. If you accidentally step on someone’s foot their pain is the same as if you did it on purpose.

Very few conflicts come without warning. Many years ago an Oprah Winfrey episode described how easily conflict can escalate.  This is how it went: We can often get a whisper of something unsettling. If unheeded this whisper becomes a message. If not addressed this message becomes a problem which has the potential to become a crisis or even a disaster.

How true the old cliché is – we cannot change someone else, and we cannot change the past, but we can always change our attitude.

— Jude, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Relationship Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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So here we are… the festive season is here. The stores have decorations and displays, Christmas parties are happening, festive movies on telly, and lights are going up on peoples houses and in the streets. It is really is a time of getting together and having a jolly time; but what if you are not in a position to spend it with the one(s) you would rather be with? Though you may be ‘alone’ this year, you can do something to help yourself focus on making yourself “merry” during the holidays.

• If you are lonely, show up where people are. Invite close friends to be with you. Ask a friend to help you donate toys/clothing to various charities. Volunteer to help prepare and serve food at a local soup kitchen.
• Exercise and keep those endorphins pumping (the hormones which make us feel relaxed and happy).
• Choose HEALTHY food. Pick food which will stabilise your blood sugar not send you on a sugar craze.
• Decorate your house or apartment. Do it for YOU.
• If visits from certain people during the holidays in the past have affected you in a negative way, assert yourself. Let them know that “No, but thanks for asking”. You don’t have to make excuses or defend yourself. They may expect you to give an excuse, but you don’t have to.
• Practice gratitude. Be thankful for all the things you DO have and avoid focusing on what you lack. Make a list.
• If you have children or loved ones who come to visit, do your best to create an atmosphere which focuses on “doing” rather than “having”. Plan holiday activities; make your own holiday decorations.
• Read a good book; one which will help you focus on being the best person you can be and help you understand that the only relationship you have total responsibility for is the one you have with yourself.
• Have your “First annual Christmas” feast for other single friends. Make sure everyone gets involved so that you are not doing all the work. Have them bring their favourite dish to share.
• Host an alcohol-free drive to look at the Christmas lights
• Visit a nursing home. Statistics show that many elderly people are often forgotten during the holidays. Your visit will ALWAYS be appreciated.
• Avoid alcohol and party drugs. If you are already feeling down, alcohol depletes the brain of serotonin, a chemical it needs to maintain normal mood.
• Be Santa Clause/Mrs Clause to others this year. Run an ad, rent yourself out, or do it for free. When you bring joy to others, a little of it always stays with the giver.
• Go to the Carols by Candlelight. Sing-a-long. Singing also gets endorphins going.
• Don’t depend on someone else to make your season bright. You alone must do whatever it takes to do that.

Most of all, have fun, create memories; defy tradition, and start your own. As the famous Joseph Newton said “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges,” so maybe during the festive season, while everyone is full of holiday cheer, it is a good time to knock down some walls or start construction on a few bridges. 

 

If you would like to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, call us on 1300 364 277 to arrange to see a counsellor. 

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Communication is one of those things which we all do in one way or another. There are literally hundreds of ways in which communication can be misunderstood or misinterpreted. In the land of simplicity, when we communicate one person sends a message and the other person receives it; doesn’t seem that hard, does it? 

I have worked as a mediator and in the field of dispute resolution/conflict management for around 17 years, so I consider myself one pretty aware communicator; essentially communication is the core of my job. Yet I received a wakeup call, a reminder of just how fragile communication is.

We have a one year old daughter whose baby sitter is going overseas. Obviously we needed someone and decided that my husband would take leave and stay at home. I checked the dates and told him that he would need to take from the 16th Feb until the 2nd March off. His work needs 2 months’ notice so late November my hubby’s leave was approved. Right, that’s organised.

Then a very confusing conversation developed where my hubby explains that the boss wants him to work away from the 6th until the 16th of Feb. I ask if he’ll be back before I leave for work on the 16th. It gets very confusing from this point and I feel completely lost as we both try to make sense of what the other is on about. I’m definitely missing something. Clarity chimes as he finally says “I thought the 16th was my last day of work and my first day home is the 17th.”

What! How on earth could he think that? How could he have possibly gotten that out of what I’d said? “I said you’ll need to take from the 16th Feb until the 2nd March off,” I repeat to him. What was unclear about that?

More confusion. He explains that he thought I meant that the 16th would be his last day of work before his leave and then the 2nd would be his first day back at work after his leave.

I’m completely beside myself with disbelief. How could he not have known what I meant? It was totally clear and obvious, wasn’t it? Anyone would have known what I meant; after all I’m a clear communicator, aren’t I? When I’d gotten over myself, I considered this. 

It is definitely evident that the message I had sent was not received or interpreted in the same way. There had been an assumption, a short circuit, and it had happened so easily.

My husband and I were working together towards the same goal. Imagine if we weren’t; if we were separated parents and communication was tense and difficult to start with. Luckily, we’re on the same team and definitely not adversaries. Yet this one simple short circuit caused incredible confusion and took time to work out what we both meant because of our different understanding from that one comment of mine. Yep, communication appears easy but is easily short circuited.

Oh and we have someone to look after our little girl.   

 

— Carolyn is a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner @ Relationships Australia Qld

** If you could like help with making arrangements and agreements following separation, or any other issue which requires support, please call us on 1300 364 277 to discuss your options.

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Am I the only one or do you also get a feeling of dread when you go into a store after Father’s Day and begin to see all the Christmas decorations being put on the shelves?  “Christmas is all about family,” they say, and it is, but what happens when the thought of family all together also brings a feeling of dread?  Will there be a scene this year? Will they all get on and be one happy family? Will someone drink too much and offend everyone?  Or even worse, will I be able to afford Christmas this year, presents, food, holidays..?

Now don’t read this and panic, there is a way through – planning is always a life saver.  If you haven’t had time to do it this year, just hang on for the ride and perhaps next year you can be more prepared. 

Here are some ideas:

• Start early talk to family and see what everyone is doing
• If there is a rift in the family, Christmas may not be the ideal time to sort this out. Invite family who don’t get on to come on different days over the holiday time.
• Know what YOU want to do.  This is important because you want to enjoy yourself, so work out what is going to be the best for you.  Don’t be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.
• Instead of a big lunch with all the trimmings, plan a picnic at the beach.
• …Or a lunch at home and ask everyone to contribute to the meal.
• Plan a secret Santa with a dollar amount, or small gifts to a $5 amount.   It can be fun trying to find something for a small amount of money.  I have two bunches of grapes on my wine rack that I won at a secret Santa and every time I look at them I remember the fun we had on the day.
• Have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks available – water, punches, iced tea. 

For me Christmas can be stressful but also fun.  I have learned to step back and watch enjoying the differences and dysfunctions of all of my family and knowing that I am not in control of anyone else… All I can do is look after me and help others to stay safe and enjoy the day. 

So Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy the holiday season, stay safe and create some great memories.

 

— Val, Relationship and Family Counsellor @ Relationships Australia Qld

 

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