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Month: July 2020

Coping with Social Anxiety as Restrictions Ease

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Self-isolation had many of us feeling anxious. The walls seemed to close in a little more each day as memories of an active social life became more distant. But when some of Queensland’s venues reopened, not everyone jumped at the chance to get out and about.

After months of social distancing, it’s not unusual to feel anxious at the thought of kick-starting your social life.

Social anxiety or social phobia is a common issue in Australia, with around 10% of Aussies experiencing the condition at some point in their lives.

Whether you have social anxiety or you’re simply nervous about facing public places and crowds again, you’re not alone. We share some tips to help you prepare for life and its social interactions post-lockdown.

 

Ease into Your Social Life

Who says you have to head to your favourite spots straight away? Start small and socialise slowly to ease back into interacting with people outside your household.

Catch up with just one or two friends at a time. Dodge the crowds by avoiding popular venues. Schedule in social interactions with a few days – or weeks – in between.

Getting back to ‘normal’ is going to take some adjusting, so be kind with yourself and take all the time you need to build back your social confidence.

 

Challenge Negative Thoughts

A negative inner monologue can talk you out of enjoying yourself. If you have a tendency to lean toward the negative ‘what if’s and catastrophise situations, try to stop those thoughts in their tracks.

Challenge negative self-talk by asking yourself what evidence you have for thinking/feeling that way. For example, you might be thinking “What if I don’t know what to say?” or worrying you’ll be judged in some way. Ask yourself what evidence you have to believe that, and try to remember all the times you got through conversations just fine.

 

Do Relaxation Exercises Beforehand

For many people with social anxiety, the anticipation of an event or social interaction is worse than the reality.

If you’re feeling especially anxious before a social commitment, take a few minutes to calm your nervous system with some relaxation techniques. Deep-breathing exercises and guided meditation have been known to help in times of stress, but even something as simple as enjoying a cup of tea while listening to your favourite song may help you centre yourself before an anxiety-provoking situation.

 

Take a Cheat Sheet

Social anxiety can push your brain into fight-or-flight mode, which can lead to mind blanks and memory disruption.

Writing notes on your phone can be a great way to remember important things or conversation starters if you’re prone to blanking when put on the spot. When you start to feel nervous, just refer to the ‘cheat sheet’ in your pocket.

Your notes might include what your friend’s job is, their partner’s name, an interesting anecdote you heard, a great new Netflix series you’ve been binge-watching, or a news story you’d like to get their opinion on.

 

Remember Everyone is Self-Conscious

If you’re feeling a bit rusty in social situations, chances are your friends and colleagues are, too. It’s to be expected after months of social distancing.

Just remember that everyone gets self-conscious, and even the most confident people are probably also trying to find their footing and adapt in these uncertain times.

If you need some help coping, our counsellors can provide support over the phone, over Zoom, or in person. You can learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

For more practical advice, you might find our tips to handle uncertainty during COVID-19 helpful.

Study Results: How COVID-19 Has Impacted Our Relationships

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We don’t need a study to tell us the coronavirus has turned our world upside-down. The COVID-19 outbreak and related social distancing measures have brought significant changes to the way we work, live, and socialise.

Many of us have felt anxious and lonely as a result. Some of us have experienced feelings of depression and low mood. But how have our relationships been impacted by the coronavirus restrictions?

New research from Relationships Australia investigates how our close relationships have been affected throughout these turbulent times. These survey findings reveal the negative and positive changes participants experienced in relationships with partners, friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues.

 

We felt challenged by our living arrangements

If you’ve been struggling in self-isolation at home, you’re not alone. More than half (55%) of survey participants reported feeling challenged by their living arrangements during the COVID-19 restrictions.

These challenges didn’t just impact participants’ relationships with the people they lived with, either. The survey found that those who were challenged by their living arrangements were more likely to report changes to close relationships with people they didn’t live with, too.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. 20% of those who were challenged by their living arrangements still managed to create positive changes to their close relationships.

 

Living with friends was the most challenging

Apparently, living with your friends isn’t all fun and games when you’re forced to be with each other 24/7. The survey found that those living with one or more friends were most likely to feel challenged by the situation (63%), compared to those living with family (58%), those living alone (also 58%), and those living with just their partner (36%).

As everyone’s situation during this time has been so unique, it’s tough to explain the reason for these results. But the challenges of unemployment for young casual workers and the potential for loneliness when living alone may provide some rationale.

 

We put more effort into our relationships than before COVID-19

Have you felt closer to your friends and family members despite the physical distance between you? Across all households, the majority of people (over 52%) reported spending more time and effort maintaining relationships during COVID-19 restrictions than they normally would.

And it seems family really does come first, with people more likely to have spent more time and effort on their family relationships (59%) than their friendships (40%). Given that most survey respondents reported living with their family, this suggests that in general, people spent more time maintaining their relationships with the people they lived with.

 

Our romantic relationships suffered the most

42% of people reported experiencing a negative change in their relationship with their partner.

Meanwhile, the vast majority of people (over 90%) reported no significant changes or positive changes in all other relationship categories (parents, children, friends, extended family, neighbours and colleagues).

 

Very lonely people experienced the most negative changes to relationships

Participants who reported feeling very lonely were more likely to experience negative relationship changes throughout COVID-19 – including with people they didn’t live with. 51% of participants who reported often feeling very lonely said their close relationships had changed for the worse. Meanwhile, only 22% of participants who disagreed with the statement “I often feel very lonely” reported negative relationship changes.

The survey showed that people’s ‘close’ relationships (e.g. partner, children and friends) were more likely to be negatively impacted, while people’s relationships with their neighbours, extended family, and colleagues were less likely to be impacted.

You can read the full survey results here.

 

If you’re having a hard time at the moment, you might find our tips to protect your emotional wellbeing in the coronavirus outbreak helpful.

Or you can talk to one of our experienced counsellors in person, over the phone, or via Zoom. Learn more about our counselling services and how to make an appointment here.

Responsible Gambling Awareness Week 2020: Getting Help is a Safe Bet

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Aussies love to gamble. In fact, research shows around 6.8 million Australians are regular gamblers, spending money on one or more gambling activities each month.

From having a flutter on the pokies to backing our favourite team in the big game, gambling is a widely accepted and enjoyed form of entertainment in our culture.

But when gambling goes from harmless fun to risky behaviour, it can have serious impacts on the individual and the people around them.

Responsible Gambling Awareness Week (RGAW) is an annual event that encourages gamblers to stay within their limits and highlights the support available to people who are worried about their gambling, or that of someone they know.

This year, RGAW will be held in Queensland from 27 July to 2 August 2020.

The theme is Getting help is a safe bet. This is a reminder to stop, take a breath, and think about your gambling.

Normal RGAW events have been cancelled due to social distancing restrictions, but we’ll be sharing helpful information and resources on the RAQ Facebook page throughout the week.

If you need help with your gambling, Relationships Australia QLD provides free and confidential help through the Gambling Help Service program. You can learn about the program here, or call the 24/7 Gambling Helpline on 1800 858 858.

10 Social Distancing Activities to do with Friends

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As restrictions in Queensland are lifted and our social lives are resuscitated, you might be approaching catch-ups with extra caution.

Public gatherings and social occasions increase the risk of COVID-19 spreading. This is why physical distancing and hygiene measurements remain in place to keep us safe.

With the coronavirus outbreak still hanging over our heads, it’s normal to be worried about getting a little too close to people from outside your household. If you’d like to avoid busy cafés and bars, stick to the 1.5m rule without alienating your friends and schedule in some of these fun social distancing activities.

Please check restrictions and guidelines in your state before making social plans.

 

Book the courts for doubles tennis

Grab a racquet and three mates and book your nearest tennis courts for an afternoon of competitive fun. Doubles tennis is a great group activity that keeps you safely distanced from each other (and gets the heart pumping and endorphins flowing). You can catch up on the latest in each other’s lives between sets.

 

Have a picnic on the beach

It might not be beach weather at the moment, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the salty air and crashing waves from the sand. Pack a lunch and enjoy chatting with your mates over a picnic blanket and your favourite snacks. Avoid sharing food if you want to be especially cautious.

 

Host a painting night

Put a spin on your Friday night in and host a paint party at home. You’ll find everything you need at your local department or craft store, including acrylic paint, brushes, canvases, water containers, and palettes (or paper plates). You can find paint tutorials online, or unleash your inner Bob Ross and freehand it.

 

Go for a hike at a national park

If you’re tired of the same old scenery on your around-the-block walk, why not pull on your hiking boots and take your social walks to the next level? National parks are open for business, and offer a great way to spend time with friends while getting your steps in. Enjoy the fresh air and don’t forget to pack a water bottle!

 

Go for a bike ride around your neighbourhood

This is another fun (and free) social distancing activity that can be enjoyed in a pair or in a group. If you haven’t gotten to know your neighbourhood on two wheels, now’s the perfect time to strap on a helmet and get sightseeing. Whether it’s a leisurely ride or a quad-burning workout, a bike ride in the fresh air is sure to shake off some of the iso dust.

 

Set up a game of backyard cricket

If you’ve got the space in your yard (or your local park), grab the crew and have a hit. Outdoor fun at its finest, backyard cricket gets everyone involved – young and old – and allows you to have a chat and a laugh with plenty of space between you.

 

Visit a farm

Fancy petting baby animals, making sheep’s cheese, or learning how your favourite condiments are made? Queensland boasts plenty of authentic farm experiences to tick off your bucket list. Check out this list of some of the must-see animal farms and parks in the area.

 

Do a bootcamp class

All our #fitfriends will love working up a sweat at an outdoor bootcamp class. Set one up yourself or finally make use of your ‘bring a friend for free’ voucher from the gym. There’s nothing like bringing a friend to your workout for some added motivation.

 

Walk your dogs

Getting outside = good for your mental health. Pets = good for your mental health. Combine the two for a feel-good catch-up with a friend. Don’t forget your doggy bags!

 

Visit your local markets

Avoid the crowds and head to your weekend markets early to grab a coffee and your weekly fruit and veg while catching up.

For all our friends who are still under strict social distancing rules, check out our 10 date night ideas that you can enjoy from home.

If you’re feeling uneasy about society starting up again, you might find our tips to ease into life after lockdown helpful.

Silent Love: When You and Your Partner Have Nothing to Talk About

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Remember the early days of dating when conversation sparked like fireworks across the restaurant table? You’d spend hours on the phone getting to know each other and talking about everything profound, trivial, and in between.

Now phone calls are transactional, and ‘sweet nothings’ have been replaced by reminders to get milk.

While you may be mourning the heart-to-hearts and endless banter you shared when you were falling in love, what you’re experiencing isn’t abnormal. And the fact you’re no longer conversing with the frequency and curiosity you once did doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Silence doesn’t always reflect tension, disconnection, or a loss of romance. A lot of the time, it can be blamed on good old-fashioned comfort or complacency.

If you’re looking to boost the back-and-forth between yourself and your partner, these tips might help.

 

Ask the Right Questions

If the go-to “How was your day?” isn’t yielding results beyond an unenthusiastic one-word answer, it might be time to try something new.

Try replacing basic ‘throwaway’ questions with more intentional and specific open-ended questions that get your partner thinking and excited to share. For example, instead of “How was your day?”, you could try “What was the highlight of your day?” or “What are you excited about at work at the moment?”.

Use your questions to focus on the positives. If you ask about the negatives, your partner may be more likely to give short answers or shut down.

 

Try New Things Together

If you feel like you have nothing to talk about in your relationship, why not do something new worth talking about? Shared experiences and hobbies are a great way to bond and create new topics of conversation.

You could discover some hiking trails, join a tennis club, try some new recipes, or replace TV time with board games once a week. Or you could get excited over a shared long-term project, such as renovating the house or planning an overseas trip for the future.

Finding shared interests can keep things fresh when the same-old conversation topics are getting stale.

 

Socialise in a Group

Let’s face it – when you live with someone long enough, it can be a struggle to come up with new and interesting things to say every day. Hanging out with another couple or group of friends can take the pressure off you to start a conversation with each other, and provide new perspectives and experiences.

Plus, it’ll give you something to talk about later. “Did you see John’s new dog?” “Yes – let’s adopt one!” Everyone’s a winner.

 

Do a Questionnaire

Questionnaires and conversation prompts are a great way to learn more about your partner. Pinterest and other websites offer lists of light-hearted or deep and meaningful questions to ask each other.

A few of our favourites include:

  • What was your first impression of me?
  • What’s at the top of your bucket list?
  • What’s a movie, book, or song that has influenced your life?
  • What was your dream job growing up?
  • When do you feel most loved?

 

Practise Active Listening

We’re all guilty of half-heartedly holding a conversation while scrolling on our phone. But if you’ve made this a habit, your partner will likely feel ignored and unimportant, and may not bother trying to initiate interactions in the future.

These active listening skills can help you be present with your partner and make them feel understood:

  • Maintain eye contact – This shows you’re giving your partner your attention and care about what they have to say.
  • Signal encouragement – Minimal verbal and nonverbal responses such as a smile, nod, or “mhmm” can show you’re listening and encourage your partner to continue.
  • Reflect content and emotion – Where natural and appropriate, expressing what your partner has told you back to them in your own words can show you’ve been listening, and gives them the opportunity to clarify if you’ve misunderstood. For example, “Wow, it sounds like you were really grateful to receive that recognition in front of your colleagues.”
  • Ask follow-up questions – This is another great way to show you’ve been listening and encourage your partner to elaborate.

These skills can be used in all relationships – whether you’re on a date, in a work meeting, or visiting your parents. Using these skills with your loved one might make them more inclined to open up in future.

 

Volunteer Information

Stop overthinking things and just start talking. Tell your partner about the funny billboard you passed, the cute elderly couple you saw, or the new song you can’t get out of your head. It doesn’t have to be ground-breaking information – even if it seems small and trivial, you never know where the conversation might go.

 

RAQ offers relationship counselling to help couples improve their communication. Learn more about our counselling services and how to make an appointment here.

Learn what happens at relationship counselling in this article.

How to Handle Uncertainty During COVID-19

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The coronavirus has created a thick fog of uncertainty surrounding almost every aspect of our lives – from work and finances to travel and socialising.

With so much going on right now that’s out of our control, it’s normal to feel anxious or uneasy.

Everyone has different ways of coping with uncertainty, but if you’re struggling with a fear of the unknown, here are a few ideas to get through.

 

Maintain a Daily Routine

Control the things you can by creating a daily routine with rituals you love. Maintaining a daily routine can help you feel safe and provide some stability during such an uncertain time. Plus, routine is known to reduce stress and anxiety.

Having your morning coffee or afternoon walk each day can help you feel grounded and comforted when other aspects of your life have been turned upside-down.

 

Pursue Unpredictability

When you’re used to knowing what to expect in most situations, you’re going to have a pretty high intolerance of uncertainty. You may be able to remove some of the anxiety that surrounds uncertainty by practising tolerating it in your everyday life.

You can seek out uncertainty in small ways, such as going to see a movie without watching the trailer, getting a coffee from a different café without reading the reviews, or attending a social event without checking out the guest list first.

You’ll likely learn that even if things don’t turn out the way you’d hoped, you managed to handle the uncertainty just fine. Who knows – you might even start to enjoy the excitement of not knowing what comes next.

 

Focus on the Present

Anxiety breeds on worries about the future. If you spend your time wondering when you’ll go back to the office or whether you’ll be able to go on that Europe trip or not, you’ll likely be left feeling hopeless and upset.

Try to take your focus off the uncertainty of the future and predicting what might happen, and instead look at what’s happening right now. You can focus your attention on the present through mindfulness practices such as meditation, yoga, and journalling.

 

Reach out to Friends and Family

While it may be tempting to slip into a warm bath of denial, only to emerge when COVID-19 blows over, it’s probably not the best option for your mental health.

Everyone is feeling the effects of the coronavirus pandemic in one way or another, so chances are your loved ones share at least some of your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. It’s been said that sharing lived experience of mental illness can provide hope in tough times, so you might find it helpful to reach out and talk things through with other people going through it.

Pick up the phone, create a group chat, or book in a dinner (while observing social distancing measures, of course).

 

Our counsellors are here if you need someone to talk to. Learn about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Discover how workplace changes have impacted our mental health with these surprising study results.

What Happens at Relationship Counselling?

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Our personal relationships have a huge impact on our happiness and wellbeing. When we experience relationship problems, the negative effects often spill over into other areas of our lives. Suddenly, we can’t focus at work, have a little less patience with the kids, and don’t enjoy social activities like we normally would.

All intimate relationships experience bumps in the road. If you and your partner are having difficulties that you can’t quite tackle on your own, relationship counselling might help you manage your situation more effectively.

So what exactly is relationship counselling? And when might you consider this option?

Relationship counselling isn’t just for romantic relationships. It can also be helpful for families, or individuals preparing to be in a relationship. In this article, we’ll focus on relationship counselling for couples.

We explore what to expect from relationship or marriage counselling with help from Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden.

 

Why might we need relationship counselling?

People attend relationship counselling for all kinds of reasons. Some common issues couples present with include:

  • Relationship conflict
  • Family conflict
  • Communication issues
  • Intimacy issues
  • Parenting issues
  • Repairing relationship after infidelity
  • Preparing to start a family
  • Navigating a separation
  • Impact of trauma on relationship.

“Clients will often say ‘we used to get on so well, and now all we do is fight. We need help to get back what we used to have,’” Val explains. “We can help clients restore and rebuild their relationships – sometimes to be even stronger than they were before.”

 

What can we expect from a relationship or marriage counselling session?

“Relationship counselling is a safe place to explore the issues in your relationship that you may be struggling with,” says Val.

Sessions will usually be one hour in duration and can be conducted via phone, video call, or in person.

Here, you’ll be encouraged to discuss your thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment. A qualified counsellor will ask questions to understand you and your relationship and help you gain clarity around your situation. They’ll aim to help you identify factors that might contribute to misunderstandings, offer advice and techniques to improve communication, and explore different possibilities and solutions.

Counsellors don’t take sides or make judgements about who is “right” or “wrong”. They don’t tell couples what to do, or try to persuade them to stay together or to separate. They’re just there to help you understand each other better and choose the right outcome yourselves.

 

What if I’m nervous to speak about issues in front of my partner?

Relationship counsellors are specially trained to help you be honest with yourself and your partner. You’re each gently encouraged to explore your issues and problems in a safe and respectful environment. Many couples find they feel more comfortable opening up to their partner in a counselling session than they would at home.

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing problems with your partner present, you can access counselling on your own, or begin your journey with separate sessions.

“You can request a separate intake, and our counsellors will talk to you about difficulties in your relationship and assess whether you might benefit from joint or separate sessions,” Val explains.

 

You can learn more about our relationship counselling options and how to book an appointment here.

RAQ also provides specialist counselling services for the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander community, people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, and people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or intersex.

For more advice from Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden, check out our article How to Fight Fair in a Relationship.

Looking After Yourself Through COVID-19 Unemployment

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New data shows nearly 600,000 Aussies lost their jobs in April alone, following social distancing measures implemented as a result of the coronavirus outbreak. This doesn’t include the six million+ people currently on JobKeeper – even if they have been stood down or aren’t working at the moment.

Losing your job can have a significant impact on your mental wellbeing at the best of times, let alone in the middle of a global pandemic.

Fear and anxiety around unemployment might be exacerbated by distress surrounding the outbreak. You might be facing financial hardship, struggling without the social interaction your colleagues provided, or even questioning your worth.

Self-care is a must to get through these extraordinary times. If you’re experiencing sudden unemployment, we hope these tips help you protect your mental health and maintain a positive mindset.

 

Be Kind to Yourself

Being made redundant can make us feel every sense of the word. But if you’ve lost your job during COVID-19, it likely has nothing to do with your performance – so try not to blame yourself or feel like you’ve failed.

It’s normal to experience a range of emotions in response to an unexpected job loss. Given the unusual circumstances, you may even feel anger or a sense of injustice. How could this happen to me? It’s not fair.

Try to remember that this is a temporary setback, and there will be a way forward. In the meantime, be patient and kind to yourself, and remember all the great qualities that make you so much more than your job.

 

Maintain a Routine

Feeling a little lost without your regular 9-5? Creating a new daily routine can help you take back some control during such an uncertain time. Routine is also known to reduce stress and provide comfort, which can be especially helpful to those who are unemployed and depressed or anxious. So while it might be tempting to sleep in until midday and stay in your pyjamas all day, following a considered structure is likely going to be better for your mental health.

Everyone’s daily schedule will look different, but a few ways to maintain momentum while unemployed might include:

  • Getting out of bed at a reasonable hour
  • Showering and changing out of pyjamas
  • Getting outdoors every day
  • Doing some kind of physical activity
  • Eating three meals a day
  • Talking to friends or family
  • Meditating or simply checking in with how you’re feeling
  • Going to bed at a reasonable hour.

 

Find Activities That Give You Purpose

A job provides purpose and brings some sense of “meaning” for many people. When that’s gone, it can be tough to know what to do with the spare time, or where to find that meaningful engagement each day.

You might consider volunteering or joining a community club, or starting a project such as gardening or DIY renovations. Or perhaps you’d like to pick up a time-intensive hobby like learning a language or instrument. You don’t need to wait until your next job comes along to fill your days with purpose and joy.

 

Stay Connected

Fight the desire to withdraw, and reach out to your friends and family for support. Even if you pride yourself on being strong and resilient, there’s no shame in leaning on your loved ones. This can help you cope with the grief of job loss and may even reduce the amount of time you spend ruminating alone.

You might also like to stay in touch with your ex-colleagues who share your experience. Just be sure to check in with how you feel after you speak with them. There’s a fine line between sharing a healthy vent and indulging in a pity party, so if you feel down in the dumps after every interaction, it might be time to move on.

 

Create a Job-Search Plan

You’ve got to be in it to win it, so get yourself back in the game with a job-search plan. This might include the obvious steps like updating your resume and researching job vacancies, as well as using tools like Excel to track who and when you’ve sent applications.

You might find it helpful to create manageable daily or weekly job-search goals to stay on track. For example, you could aim to apply to 10 jobs and reach out to 10 connections on LinkedIn per week.

 

Losing your job is tough, and it’s normal to feel stressed, anxious, and even scared. If you need someone to talk to, our professional counsellors can provide support. Learn more about how our counselling services can help you here.

How to Fight Fair in a Relationship

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Fighting in a relationship is normal. Even the happiest couples run into conflict and differences of opinion. Arguing isn’t a sign your love is doomed – in fact, you can use your disagreements as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

So how can you navigate conflict in a healthy, productive way to help your relationship, rather than hurt it?

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden explains how to have a healthy argument, and the big no-nos to avoid in the heat of the moment.

 

Why do couples argue?

“Couples can fight about almost anything,” Val explains. “Sometimes, it’s small issues like putting dishes in the sink or taking out the rubbish. And then there are much bigger issues such as finances, alcohol, or gambling and its effect on the relationship. Or making a decision that may affect the rest of your life – like deciding to have children, move homes, or change jobs.”

Some of the common topics couples argue over include money, in-laws, and how much quality time is spent together. Of course, every relationship is different, and what is a source of conflict for one couple may not be an issue for another couple.

“All relationships have disagreements,” says Val. “A healthy argument is one where you can discuss your differences respectfully and come to a win-win where each person feels understood and respected.”

 

How to Have a Healthy Argument

“Always be respectful and listen to understand what your partner is saying,” Val advises. “Try not to react in anger, and give yourself some space if you feel yourself getting angry.”

While it may be tempting to react based on the emotions you’re feeling in that moment, it’s best to take a breath and respond thoughtfully.

Val recommends revisiting the issue once negative emotions have passed to ensure the problem is addressed and resolved for good.

“Always come back and take up the matter again when things have calmed down,” she says. “Otherwise, issues never get resolved – they just get pushed under the rug, and will emerge again when another disagreement looms.”

 

Things to Avoid in an Argument

Disagreements can be worsened if we lash out or seek to ‘win’ rather than listen with kindness. Avoid these behaviours for arguments that are more rapidly resolved with fewer hurt feelings:

  • Don’t become aggressive, call each other names, or yell.
  • Be mindful of your body language and facial expressions. Eye-rolling and head-shaking can antagonise your partner and increase tension.
  • Don’t bring up past issues. Work on the issue at hand and find another time to bring up unrelated, unresolved issues.
  • Don’t become defensive. If you’re quick to put your guard up, you won’t be open to your partner’s point of view.
  • Don’t tell your partner “you’re just like your mother/father”. Attacking them and their family can make your partner protective and defensive.
  • Avoid arguing in front of children without finding a resolution.

“It’s OK to have a healthy disagreement in front of your children and model conflict resolution to them,” Val explains. “But never have a disrespectful fight in front of your children, where you both get angry and don’t model a resolution. This makes children feel unsafe and models disrespect and anger.”

 

When to Seek Help

Good communication is key for a strong relationship. If you can’t seem to resolve your issues or you don’t know how to approach your partner with a problem, relationship counselling might help improve your communication for healthier arguments.

“Counsellors are trained to work with couples to help resolve conflicts and misunderstandings,” says Val. “Through the course of sessions, you’ll learn to understand your partner better, how they think, what motivates them, and how to communicate in a respectful and healthy way. This will help to resolve conflict in your relationship and teach you how to resolve disagreements before they escalate.”

You can learn more about our relationship counselling and its benefits here.

New Baby, New Relationship Problems?

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They tell you it’s going to be hard. They tell you about the sleepless nights, the spontaneous tears, and the guilt that you’re not doing it right, or not doing enough.

But what about the relationship changes that a new baby can bring?

Maybe you’re arguing more than ever. Maybe the romance seems out of reach. Or maybe you feel a distance between each other you’ve never felt before.

Every relationship changes after adding a baby to the equation. And while it might feel like things will never go back to the way they were, the good news is, it does get better.

If you’re experiencing these common relationship stresses after having a baby, please know that you’re not alone.

 

Communication Breakdown

Has your communication become transactional and all about baby? Missing the days of stimulating conversation and flirtatious banter?

As your days and nights revolve around feeding, changing, and consoling your new recruit, you probably don’t have the time or energy to focus on nurturing your relationship right now. This can make you feel disconnected and distant.

Try to find time each day to talk about the things you used to, keeping baby talk off the table. It doesn’t matter whether it’s idle gossip, politics, or your thoughts on the TV series you binge while you’re stuck under a cluster-feeding baby at 2am. Schedule this baby-free banter into your phone as a daily reminder if you have to.

 

Lack of Intimacy

Most new parents will experience a loss of sexual intimacy, with fantasies about sex being replaced with fantasies about sleep. There are several reasons why couples might feel their relationship has no room for romance after baby.

There’s the sleep deprivation thing, for a start. If you’re not sleeping in shifts and actually manage to jump in the sheets at the same time, you’re likely exhausted.

It can take months for new mums to recover after childbirth. And even once women have physically healed, they may feel ‘touched out’ from all the endless contact with bub, which can inhibit their desire to be intimate with a partner.

There are other ways to maintain intimacy and feel close to your partner, such as holding hands, cuddling, and looking into each other’s eyes. You could also up the words of affirmation in your relationship in place of physical touch, expressing romantic feelings with an “I love you” or an unprompted “You look great today”.

 

Division of Domestic Duties

Babies may be tiny, but they bring with them a big list of additional household chores. Sure, you did the laundry and dishes and vacuuming before, but they were never as urgent as they are with an infant.

The unequal division of domestic labour has long been a common issue among couples. It’s no secret women generally take on more than their fair share of the housework (even if they work the same amount of hours as their partner), but research shows this inequality gets worse after baby comes.

Both partners should work together to divide chores and childcare duties fairly. This would ideally be discussed and sorted before birth, but it’s never too late to sit down together and decide on a system that works for you both.

 

Financial Priorities

Raising a human is expensive. Initial big-ticket items like a bassinet, cot, car seat, pram, and change table quickly add up, and ongoing costs like nappies, food, medical expenses, and day care also take their toll.

Money is one of the biggest stressors for many couples. Research shows more than half (52%) of Aussie couples argue about money. It’s no surprise finances and who pays for what can cause tension between new parents who are adapting to living on one income and may not have the freedom to splurge on unnecessary items without a second thought.

This is why it’s a good idea to trial living on one income for a few months before baby comes to get used to living within your new means. A shared budget spreadsheet couldn’t hurt, either.

 

Opposing Parenting Styles

It’s hard to know how you’ll feel about sleep training, dummies, and discipline until you’re a parent making the big decisions.

Some first-time parents find they’re not as in sync with their partner’s parenting style as they thought they’d be. This can lead to some raised eyebrows and heated arguments.

While you may need to agree on some things for consistency’s sake, there are other times when you may need to relent control and bite your tongue. If the to-dos are getting ticked off and your little one is healthy and happy, it doesn’t always matter whether your partner is doing things the way you would or not.

Having a hard time? We offer counselling for individuals and couples to facilitate discussion and explore issues such as conflict, intimacy problems, parenting issues, and depression. Learn more and book an appointment here.

Relationships Australia provides more helpful advice for new parents in this tips sheet.