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Month: August 2020

How to Silence Your Inner Critic

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Sick of the little voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough?

We’ve all experienced self-doubt at one time or another. It’s only human to have an internal critic – no matter how self-assured or ‘successful’ you are. But what happens when you become captive to the criticism and judgement you put on yourself?

A negative inner monologue can have serious impacts on your self-esteem, relationships, and life in general. It can eat away at your confidence and hold you back in big ways.

We wouldn’t accept this criticism from a friend – so why do we accept it from ourselves?

While you can’t simply switch it off, we hope these tips to quiet your inner critic help you deal with negative background noise in a healthy way.

 

Challenge negative thoughts

Our inner critic feeds on fear and often fails to consider the facts. Challenge negative thoughts with the truth. Ask yourself if these thoughts are backed by evidence, or if your mind is playing tricks on you out of fear. Then, try replacing unwarranted and overly judgemental thoughts with realistic ones.

For example, you might be heading home from a social interaction and are thinking “I’m so boring and never add to the conversation”. Replace this harmful self-talk with something more realistic, such as “I’m a good listener and my friends enjoy my company”.

An easy way to do this is to imagine a good friend coming to you with the issue, and what you’d say to comfort them. Try saying these things to yourself.

 

Identify the root cause

Go one step further and explore what fears and limiting beliefs are driving your inner critic. Where are these negative thoughts coming from? What’s really going on? What’s your inner critic trying to tell you?

Maybe you’re telling yourself you’re not good enough because you’ve been hurt in the past. Maybe you’re insecure about how you look because you’re comparing yourself to others.

Once you’ve identified the root cause of negative self-talk, you can start addressing these issues and work toward healing.

 

Focus on your strengths

If you have an overactive inner critic, you probably spend most of your time focusing on your perceived flaws or weaknesses. But what about all the great things that make you who you are?

Give yourself a confidence boost by focusing on your strengths and celebrating what’s great about you. You might make a list of all the things you like about yourself, the times in your life when you were really proud, and the nice things people have said about you in the past.

Write these down and keep them somewhere you’ll see them every day, such as next to your bed or on your bathroom mirror. These daily reminders can help boost your self-esteem and put you in a positive headspace.

 

Rethink how you see others

If you catch yourself being critical and judgemental of others, that toxicity is sure to seep into your self-talk, too. Negative thoughts of any kind can breed a nasty inner monologue that can be harmful for you and those around you.

Reconsider how you think about other people, and train yourself to quit criticising and focus on the positives. Once you start celebrating others, you might find celebrating yourself comes more naturally.

 

If you’d like some support addressing issues around negative self-talk and building self-esteem, our experienced counsellors can help. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome

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So the kids have flown the coop and you’re adjusting to an empty home.

Being a parent can define your life and your identity, and it’s normal to feel some sadness and loss when your children grow up and move out.

If you’re having a particularly difficult time coping with your kids moving out of the family home, you may be experiencing empty nest syndrome.

Some common signs of empty nest syndrome might include:

  • A sense of loss of purpose and/or identity
  • Excessive anxiety about your children’s welfare
  • Feelings of rejection or isolation
  • Feeling overly emotional or depressed
  • Increased marital stress.

We hope our advice helps you adjust to the new normal when your kids leave home.

 

Find new challenges

Having kids in the house can take a lot of time out of your day, no matter their age. Now you’re no longer sharing a roof and you have some spare time on your hands, why not explore new interests and prioritise your passions?

Start a new hobby, join a club, volunteer, begin a course, or tackle that home reno project. This is a great time to reconnect with who you were before all your time and energy went into your kids. It’s also a great way to redirect your focus and find a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

 

Stay in touch while respecting boundaries

Just because you no longer live together doesn’t mean you can’t continue to be close with your kids. Sure, your relationship might change as they enter adulthood, and the family dynamic might shift as they become more independent. But once you accept that they need to stand on their own two feet, you can begin to embrace your new relationship and friendship.

Make an effort to maintain regular contact through texts, calls, and visits. Just be sure to respect their boundaries and privacy, e.g. resist the urge to check in too much, and avoid dropping by unexpectedly.

 

Reconnect with your spouse

Remember the days when it was just the two of you? You could go to the cinema without coordinating a babysitter. You could go out to dinner without worrying about a meal for the kids. You could have a weekend away without obsessing over what was going on back at home.

It’s normal for families to centre their activities around their kids, but now you’re down to a twosome again, it’s the perfect opportunity to rediscover all the things you loved to do together.

And if you don’t have a spouse, celebrate your newfound freedom by reaching out to friends and filling your social calendar. Or simply embrace the opportunity to have more time to yourself.

 

Let yourself grieve

It’s normal to feel sad when your children move away. Don’t try and speed up or skip over your recovery period – be kind to yourself and make time for self-care while you’re healing. This might include relaxation techniques like meditation, walking outdoors, and confiding in loved ones.

If you’re struggling with extreme empty nest depression or grief, you might find it helpful to speak to a professional. RAQ offers confidential counselling for individuals, couples, and families in a supportive and respectful environment. You can learn more about our counselling services and how to book here.

Are you worried about your elderly parents?

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It can be hard to watch our parents getting old. We grew up believing they were our indestructible protectors, and seeing their hair turn grey and their mobility decline can be a tough reality to face.

While it’s natural to worry about your parents ageing and the challenges that may arise, doing this constantly can take a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

We offer some advice to support your parents through later life, and hopefully provide some peace of mind to yours.

 

Talk to them about the future

It’s never too early to talk to your parents about what they’d like for their senior years and beyond.

Some questions to ask might include:

  • Is your Will up to date, and where can it be found?
  • Who will be your durable power of attorney?
  • How would you like to be cared for if you require support?
  • What type of funeral or memorial service would you prefer?

These may be hard conversations to have, but they’re essential to ensure your parents’ wishes are honoured down the track. Knowing what your parents want before the time comes can provide clarity and comfort for you and them.

 

Ask them about the past

As well as making plans for the future, now is the time to ask your ageing parents all those questions you’ve been meaning to ask about their past.

A common regret for family who’ve lost a loved one is not finding time to ask about their past experiences, memories, hopes, dreams, and regrets. Maybe it’s because our parents are the most familiar people to us, and we’ve known them our whole lives. But how well do you actually know your parents as people, before they were ‘mum’ or ‘dad’?

Some conversation starters might include:

  • What was your childhood like?
  • Did you like school?
  • Who influenced you most as a child, teen, and adult?
  • Who was your first love?
  • What world events had the biggest impact on you?
  • What are you most proud of?

Asking your parents about their lives before you came along can help you grow closer and ensure their favourite stories remain a part of their legacy. Plus, your parents will probably love the opportunity to reflect on their past experiences to an eager audience.

 

Take turns checking in on them

As your parents get older, you may feel a sense of responsibility to visit and call them every day. But this can be an unrealistic expectation, especially if you have your hands full with a job and kids of your own.

Organise with other family members to rotate visits and phone calls to ensure your parents have regular contact with loved ones, and no potential problems go unnoticed.

This will give you peace of mind that they’re being checked in on, without putting pressure on yourself to take sole responsibility. You might even like to come up with a roster of designated days when you each visit or call.

 

Take them to appointments

There are a number of reasons why it’s a good idea to accompany your elderly parents to their medical appointments.

They may have a hearing deficit that makes it hard for them to understand what medical professionals are saying, and be too shy to ask for things to be repeated. They may not feel comfortable asking questions around their options, and simply agree with whatever is being suggested. Maybe they rely on public transport and don’t keep up with their appointments as they should. Or perhaps they’re simply not relaying the ‘whole story’ about their health conditions to the people they care about.

If your parents consent to you taking them to appointments, this can help remove these communication and logistical obstacles. It’s also a great way to spend more time with your parents and be involved in their lives. You could even make it an enjoyable routine by treating them to coffee at a café afterward.

Relationships Australia Qld offers support to older people in Queensland to plan for the future and make important decisions. Learn about our range of free services aimed at providing education, advice, and referrals here.

Overcoming Jealousy in a Relationship

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Got a case of the green-eyed monster? Jealousy in a relationship can present itself as a cocktail of irrational and destructive thoughts that leave us feeling insecure, paranoid, and even angry. You might worry you’re not good enough, or that your partner will find happiness with someone else.

While jealousy is a normal emotion, it can be toxic and damaging if it shapes the way we feel about ourselves and the world.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with jealousy and insecurities in your relationship.

 

Recognise and Challenge Negative Thoughts

Next time you’re overcome by feelings of jealousy, take a breath and acknowledge the thought that triggered these feelings. Is there evidence behind this thought, or is your mind playing tricks on you?

Challenge irrational thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones. For example, you might be worried that your partner is on a night out without you, and might meet someone else. Ask yourself if your partner has done or said anything to make you feel like they’d betray your trust. If not, remind yourself that your partner loves and respects you, and hasn’t broken your trust in the past.

When we acknowledge that we’re feeling jealous, we take away some of that jealousy’s power. We also create an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and grow.

 

Work on Yourself

Everyone gets jealous now and then, but if you’re in a secure and solid relationship and jealousy is still a problem for you, it might be a sign of low self-esteem.

Reflect on yourself and your past experiences to determine why you might be feeling this way without provocation from your partner. Maybe you’ve been hurt by partners in the past. Maybe you’re not confident in yourself and what you have to offer. Or maybe you have a habit of comparing yourself to unrealistic standards on social media.

Addressing the real problem can help you improve your self-esteem and stop projecting your insecurities onto your relationship.

 

Build Your Own Life

It’s not healthy to rely on your partner for fulfilment. To avoid being dependent on your partner and overly invested in how they’re spending their time, try to build interests and an identity outside your partner and your relationship.

Fill your time with the things you enjoy. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Your partner can’t be responsible for your happiness – that can only come from you. And when you’re happy with who you are and what you have going on in your own life, you’ll likely be more comfortable with your partner doing their own thing, too.

 

Communicate with Your Partner

Never assume your partner knows how you feel or what you need. Be honest and open about how you’re feeling, and where possible, clearly express the triggers or behaviours that lead to your feelings of jealousy. This will allow them to consider how they might be contributing to the problem, and how they can modify their actions to support you to feel secure.

If you’d like some support addressing issues around jealousy and self-esteem, our experienced counsellors can help. We also provide relationship counselling to help you and your partner find ways to manage your situation effectively. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Learn how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships here.

10 Motivation Tips for When You’re in a Slump

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We all have bad days (and weeks). Even the most determined and driven people suffer slumps now and then.

Whether you’re feeling down or simply stuck on Planet Procrastination, it can be hard to find the motivation to make things happen when you’re in a slump.

Slumps or ruts can leave us feeling unmotivated, unproductive, guilty, lost, frustrated – you name it. Get unstuck and make your comeback with these 10 tips to get motivated again.

 

1. Check Your Basic Needs

Do a mental audit of your recent lifestyle. Have you been getting enough sleep? Eating nourishing foods? Moving and exercising regularly? Checking in with your support network? Is your environment tidy and organised, or cluttered and messy?

Lifestyle and environmental factors can have a huge impact on your motivation and morale, and addressing these basic needs can help you get back on track.

 

2. Ditch Your Biggest Time Waster

What are you doing instead of what you should be doing? Life is rife with distractions, from scrolling through social media and watching Netflix to texting friends and checking what’s in the fridge (again).

Pinpoint what’s chewing up most of your time and determine how you can eliminate the temptation. For example, if you’re lurking through Instagram instead of exercising, delete the app until you’ve finished your workout. If you’re texting friends instead of working on that big project, put your phone on silent or leave it in another room until later.

 

3. Focus on One Thing at a Time

Having too much on our plate at once can sap our energy and have us running from our responsibilities. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try focusing on just one goal at a time. Make it a small, achievable goal that you can accomplish with little time and effort.

Chances are once it’s complete, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep ticking off your other to-dos.

 

4. Just Start

It’s a bit of a catch 22, but motivation is created by action. Many people believe that doing something will give you motivation, and waiting for motivation to do something is pointless. It’s a little like the chicken and the egg.

Starting can be the toughest part, but once you’ve made a move, you’ll likely find yourself on a roll and keen to maintain momentum.

So in the wise words of Nike – just do it.

 

5. Give Yourself an Incentive

There’s nothing wrong with a little self-bribery if it gets the job done. Reward your efforts with your favourite takeaway or an online purchase.

Or create something exciting to look forward to (e.g. a weekend trip away or a fun event with your friends) to give your mood a boost.

 

6. Make a Vision Board

Thinking about your goals and dreams every day can help you remember your ‘why’. Maybe you’re studying for a career change, or sacrificing nights out to save for an overseas trip.

Whatever your ‘why’, looking at a vision board each day will make it easier to visualise what success will feel like, and this will help you stay focused, excited, and motivated to get there.

 

7. Commit Publicly

It’s easy to give up on goals we’ve set in private. It’s harder to surrender to defeat when there are other people counting on us.

Research shows sharing your goals with someone whose opinion you value can make you more dedicated and unwilling to give up. So find those people you want to impress – whether it’s a friend, family member, or mentor – and commit to your goals publicly.

 

8. Make a List (or Two)

Got a lot going on in your life? Juggling work, friends, family, and everything else that fills our days can take its toll – especially if we’re not organised.

Lists can help us determine our daily priorities and get on top of our to-dos. You might have a monthly goals list broken down into weekly and daily to-dos to help you stay motivated. Just think of the satisfaction you’ll feel when you cross everything off before you go to bed.

 

9. Get Inspiration from Others

Energy is contagious. If you’ve been stuck in your head while you’re stuck in a slump, you might need to look to an external source for a boost.

Talk to positive people, read inspiring books, listen to uplifting music, scroll through motivational quotes, or go for a walk in nature. Inspiration can be found just about anywhere if you seek it out.

 

10. Change up Your Routine

We can all get bored when every day is the same. If you’re feeling stagnant and uninspired by the monotony of your day-to-day, it might be time to make a change and break an aspect of your routine.

For example, you might set your alarm for an hour earlier to go for a walk or make a healthy breakfast. Or maybe you’ll swap your nightly Netflix for a book or podcast, or a phone call to a friend.

This shock to the system might shake up your mindset and inspire some new ideas.

 

If you’re going through a tough time and need someone to talk to, our experienced counsellors can help. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

What is Financial Abuse?

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When you think of domestic and family abuse, chances are verbal abuse and physical violence come to mind. But financial abuse can be just as damaging, taking away people’s independence and leaving them feeling vulnerable, isolated, and depressed.

Research shows nearly 16% of women and over 7% of men in Australia have experienced financial abuse in their lifetime. It’s the most commonly reported form of abuse of older adults.

But financial abuse can happen to anyone. The abuser might be a partner, family member, friend, or caregiver. Financial abuse and control might be used alongside other forms of domestic and family violence to keep a survivor trapped in an unhealthy relationship, but it can also be present without these other behaviours.

This hidden and often misunderstood form of abuse can take many forms. Learn how to recognise the signs of financial abuse and how you can protect yourself and others.

 

Signs of Financial Abuse

Financial abuse includes any situation where someone that you trust takes away your access to money, manipulates your financial decisions, or uses your money or assets without your consent.

Tactics used might include:

  • Taking control of someone else’s money (e.g. being in charge of all the household income and paying the other person an allowance)
  • Controlling how money is spent
  • Withholding money from someone
  • Taking money or credit cards from someone without their permission
  • Selling someone’s assets without their permission
  • Forging someone’s signature on financial documents
  • Forcing or pressuring someone to change their Will
  • Threatening or punishing someone for how they spend their money
  • Withholding someone’s financial statement or bank account details from them
  • Taking out a loan, credit card, or bank account in someone else’s name
  • Ruining someone else’s credit
  • Refusing to contribute to shared living costs
  • Refusing to repay money they’ve borrowed
  • Preventing someone from getting a job or going to work
  • Preventing someone from studying.

These are just some financially abusive behaviours. Financial abuse can be harder to spot than some other forms of domestic and family violence.

The person causing the abuse might use subtle tactics like manipulation, and not even recognise that their actions or behaviours are abusive. Others might be more overt, using intimidation, demands, and threats.

 

How to Get Help for Financial Abuse

If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, free and confidential help is available.

RAQ provides counselling and other support services for anyone experiencing financial abuse or any other concerns in their relationship, family, or other aspect of their personal life.

We also offer our Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) to older persons who might be at risk of financial abuse. The SFPS provides support through referrals to those already impacted by financial abuse, and in some instances, offers financial case management.

You can call our client contact centre on 1300 364 277 to discuss which of our services can best support you.

Please note we are not a crisis service. If you need urgent help, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Set Boundaries in Relationships

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Boundaries are crucial for protecting our mental and emotional wellbeing and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships.

Personal boundaries can help you build a strong identity, self-esteem, and independence. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of or you’re walking on eggshells in your relationships, it might be a sign that you need to establish boundaries.

Learn how to create boundaries with your partner, friends, and family with these steps.

 

Identify Your Boundaries

Take some time to reflect on your needs and determine the boundaries you would like to strengthen. Your boundaries should be focused around your own values, identity, and feelings.

They should ensure you take responsibility for your own behaviour and feelings, and aren’t responsible for those of others.

Some examples of healthy boundaries might include:

  • Protecting your time and not overcommitting to things
  • Saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do
  • Asking for space when it’s needed
  • Speaking up if you’re uncomfortable with how someone is treating you
  • Not being responsible for someone else’s happiness, actions, or emotions
  • Having the ability to make your own decisions.

Some examples of unhealthy boundaries might include:

  • Telling someone who they can and can’t speak to or spend time with
  • Expecting someone to drop what they’re doing to suit you
  • Expecting others to “fix” or “save” you
  • Blaming others for your actions and behaviours
  • Making threats or ultimatums (e.g. “If you go out with your friends tonight, you’ll never see me again”)
  • Relying on others’ approval/love for your happiness.

 

Communicate Your Needs

No matter how long you’ve known your partner, friend, or family member, they likely aren’t going to intuitively know and act on your needs and wants. It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly, honestly, and respectfully to ensure you’re on the same page of what’s acceptable in your relationship.

Keep it short and simple. For example:

  • “I like to have notice before people come over. Please text or call to see if it suits me first.”
  • “I need some time and space to relax at night. Please don’t call me after 7pm.”
  • “I like to catch up with my friends without interruptions. I won’t be available to reply to your texts while I spend time with them.”
  • “I know the event this weekend is important to you, but I’m not available/don’t have the money/not interested.”
  • “Don’t go through my phone/emails. That’s a violation of my privacy, and I need you to stop.”
  • “Give me a day to get back to you. I don’t like committing to things on the spot.”

It’s a two-way street, so don’t forget to ask them what their needs are, too. Never assume you know what they’re thinking or feeling.

 

Be Consistent

Setting boundaries is one thing, but following through is another. Be consistent with your boundaries, and speak up when they’re not being respected. Sure, two people can’t 100% accommodate each other all the time. But it’s important to communicate when a boundary has been violated to reinforce how important it is to you.

Otherwise, you might find yourself compromising on your needs and values a little too much, and your partner/friend/family member might find it easier and easier to make excuses for overstepping your boundaries.

If they make a habit of ignoring your boundaries even after you’ve reminded them, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

 

RAQ offers counselling for individuals, couples, and families dealing with a wide range of issues. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Having a hard time navigating conflict with your partner? Learn how to have a healthy argument in our article How to Fight Fair in a Relationship.

Can Social Media Cause Anxiety?

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Social media is a great way to keep in touch and stay up to date. But what happens when scrolling through Facebook or Instagram is no longer making you feel connected, but causing stress and loneliness instead?

Research suggests a link between the heavy use of social media and an increased risk of depression and anxiety. It also shows that people experiencing feelings of depression and anxiety can often use social media as an escape – and so the cycle continues.

In this article, we explore the potential harms of social media, and how you can modify your use to aid your mental health.

 

Negative Impacts of Social Media

We know social media offers plenty of positives. From communicating with friends and family all over the world, to networking with like-minded communities who share your interests, we have a lot to thank Facebook and co. for (not to mention all the funny memes).

But along with the benefits come the potential disadvantages. These are some of the most common negative aspects of social media.

Social Withdrawal

With all your friends at your fingertips, it can be easy to substitute face-to-face interactions for likes and comments. Heavy users of social media may spend more time on their phone than with their real-life connections, leading to social withdrawal and alienation.

Unfavourable Comparison

Does social media leave you wishing your life was different? You’re not the only one. Comparison is particularly common on image-based social media platforms like Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram. Young people especially might compare themselves to influencers and celebrities, wishing they had the same looks, money, trips, and followers – even if they know they’re just seeing the highlight reel.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

No one likes to be left out. While FOMO has been around long before social media, seeing updates and pictures of other people having fun without you can further fuel these negative feelings.

Sleep Disruptions

Studies have found that heavy social media use is linked to poor sleep. Scrolling through your socials can seriously mess with your body clock and reduce time spent sleeping, which can have negative impacts on your mental health.

 

Managing Your Social Media Use

If spending time on social media makes you feel stressed, anxious, jealous, or insecure, it might be time to change the way you use it.

Limit Your Use

There’s an app for that. In fact, there are several apps that track how much time you spend on social media and alert you when it’s time to take a break. There are even apps that can temporarily block social media apps so you can focus on more important things. This can help you avoid mindless scrolling every few minutes out of boredom. You could even try disabling notifications or turning your phone off completely before bedtime.

Reconsider Who You Follow

Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself, and follow the ones that make you feel positive and empowered. You have the control to curate a social media feed that makes you feel better after scrolling, not worse.

Swap Messenger for Phone Calls

Next time you open your Messenger app to reach out to a friend, try picking up the phone instead. Nothing beats hearing your loved one’s voice and laughter over the phone.

Save Some Updates

If you post everything newsworthy in your life, you won’t have anything to talk about with friends and family in person. Save some of your news for face-to-face conversations, and if you have an exciting update, make a habit of announcing it in person before posting it online.

Need someone to talk to? Our counsellors are professionally trained to discuss a range of issues including anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Learn more about our counselling services and how to make an appointment here.