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Month: September 2020

Should we break up?

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Should you break up with your partner? Or are you just going through a rough patch?

Every relationship has its issues. But while disagreements are normal, there are some problems that may make you question the future of your relationship.

In this article, we look at some of the ways to work through your problems, and some signs it might be time to let go.

 

When to break up

Every relationship is different, and only you know what’s best for you. These are just some signs your relationship may not be healthy.

Your partner is abusive

Abuse – whether it’s physical, emotional, financial, or other – is never OK. If your partner is hurting you, controlling you, manipulating you, or making you feel bad about yourself, you may want to talk to trusted friends or family members about ways you can exit the relationship safely.

You’re hiding them from your loved ones

If you’ve been with your partner for a while and you’re hesitant to introduce them to your friends and family, this could be a red flag worth paying attention to.

Someone has cheated

Research shows unfaithfulness is one of the main reasons couples break up. An infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. But cheating can have serious and long-lasting impacts if you can’t rebuild the trust you once had, leaving one or both partners feeling resentful and unhappy.

You’re not yourself around them

If you’re conscious of how you act around your partner, you probably won’t be happy in the long run. Signs you’re not comfortable to be your full self around your partner might include monitoring the things you say around them, tiptoeing or hiding things from them, pretending to like things you don’t and pretending not to like things you do, and worrying they’ll judge you.

You can’t communicate

They say communication is key in a healthy relationship, and silence is never golden. Maybe you avoid confrontation and sweep it under the rug, or you give each other the silent treatment when you’re unhappy. If you have poor communication and don’t talk things through in a respectful way, you may never find solutions for your problems.

You’ve been trying to make things work for a long time

Finally, if you’ve been unhappy in your relationship and thinking about ending things for a while, it might be time to seriously consider your options.

 

How to get through a rough patch

No relationship is all good all the time. Even the happiest and healthiest couples run into some rough patches now and then. The good news is, you can make it through – and sometimes, you can even come out stronger than ever.

Talk about your issues

Neither of you can read minds, so don’t expect your partner to know how you feel and what you want them to do. If safe to do so, bring up your concerns with your partner when you have some alone time together. Tell them what’s upsetting you, and be clear about what you’d like to happen. Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing.

For example, instead of: “You never have time for me. You’re always with your friends”, you might say: “I value our quality time together. I’d like it if we had a date night every week.”

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden explains how to have a healthy argument and things to avoid when confronting your partner in this article.

Try relationship counselling

If you find it difficult to communicate with your partner, or you seem to be having the same argument over and over again, it might be time to consider seeing a professional.

RAQ provides confidential relationship counselling in a relaxed and supportive environment. Our trained counsellors can work with you to find ways to manage your situation more effectively.

If you need some extra support, you can book individual counselling our couples counselling on 1300 364 277.

What to do if You Think Your Friend is in an Abusive Relationship

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Worried a friend or someone you know is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, but not sure what to do?

Whether you suspect the abuse is physical, emotional, financial or other, it can be hard to know how to support someone in this situation.

Learn some of the signs that might indicate your friend is in an abusive relationship, and how you can help.

 

Know the signs of abuse

There are many different types of domestic and family abuse, and some of them can be harder to spot than others. Not all abuse involves hitting or can be identified by bruises or physical wounds.

Some less obvious warning signs your friend is in an abusive relationship might include:

  • They’re noticeably less confident
  • They’re always strapped for cash
  • Their social media presence changes
  • They’re always distracted or preoccupied
  • Their other relationships start breaking down
  • They avoid talking about their partner and relationship
  • They seem nervous or on eggshells around their partner
  • They often appear tired or as though they’ve been crying
  • Their partner is always texting or calling when they’re apart
  • Their clothing and/or grooming habits have changed significantly
  • Their behaviour and/or body language changes around their partner
  • Their partner puts them down or insults them, even in a ‘joking’ way
  • They’re withdrawn, less responsive, and less social than they used to be
  • They wear longer clothing in warm weather (may be a way to hide wounds).

 

Ask how things are going

Find an appropriate time to ask how they are when you’re alone together in a private setting. You might like to bring it up after some initial casual chat to ease into the conversation. Remain calm as you voice your concern. You want them to feel comfortable talking openly with you, so avoid coming off as panicked, preachy, or judgemental.

If you’ve noticed any signs of abuse, gently mention these specific behaviours. For example, “I’ve noticed your partner checks in on you a lot with texts and calls. How do you feel about that?” Your friend might not even recognise that what they’re experiencing is abuse, so by focusing on specifics, your friend may be able to understand for themselves what they think is appropriate and healthy in a relationship.

Respect their boundaries and don’t probe for information if they’re not comfortable sharing. Remember that it’s likely very hard for them to talk about.

 

Tell them you’re there for them

Let your friend know that they’re not alone and you want to help in any way they need. Provide them with a safe and supportive space to talk about what they’re going through, and listen with empathy and without judgement or blame.

Gently offer other ways you can support them, such as helping them come up with a safety plan and giving them a place to stay if they need it. Some people use social media creatively to provide support in a discreet way. For example:

 

Don’t pressure them to make a decision

No one likes to see someone they care about in an unhealthy, dangerous or damaging situation. But the last thing you want to do is tell your friend to ‘just break up’ with their partner. This pressure can make them feel even worse during an already difficult time, and may prevent them from opening up to you again.

Unhealthy and abusive relationships are complicated, and leaving an abusive partner can be risky. Allow your friend to make their own decision in their own time, and let them know you’ll stand by them no matter what.

 

Offer resources

There are many support services and resources available for people experiencing domestic and family abuse. It might be helpful to pass some relevant contact details on in case they’re ever needed, or ask your friend if they need help finding support. Depending on their situation at home, they may not have access to research support services.

There is still hope for some unhealthy relationships. If your friend is unsure whether their relationship is unhealthy or abusive, they don’t need to have the answers. RAQ’s trained counsellors can help individuals and couples work through their relationship concerns. Counselling appointments can be booked by calling 1300 364 277.

Some other helpful resources include:

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DV Connect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DV Connect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

 

Check in on them

If your friend tells you about abuse at home, or you suspect they’re in an unhealthy relationship, be sure to maintain contact with them and check in on them regularly.

While you can’t fix the situation or control the outcome, you can be there for them and provide support when they need it.

You can learn more about the effects of domestic violence here.

Physical Effects of Anxiety

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Anxiety is a serious mental health condition that can make us feel worried, nervous, and afraid. It’s known for changing how we think and behave. But did you know it can also have real impacts on our physical health?

This is because anxiety is the body’s reaction to stress or perceived threats, and can trigger the fight-or-flight response. Someone with chronic anxiety might experience physical symptoms occasionally or every day, as their body is constantly in a state of high alert.

Learn what anxiety does to the body here.

 

Headaches

Can’t pinpoint what’s causing those niggling headaches? Anxiety might be the culprit. Constant stress and worry can lead to headaches and painful migraines. A hot bath or shower may help to relieve some pain.

Upset stomach

It’s common for people with anxiety to experience stomach pain, nausea, diarrhoea and other digestive issues. Research has shown a strong connection between the brain and the gut. This might explain why we feel ‘butterflies’ when we’re nervous, or why stomach problems are one of the most common symptoms of stress and anxiety.

Breathing problems

Some people with an anxiety or panic disorder might experience breathing difficulties. Shortness of breath and fast, shallow breathing are common physical effects of anxiety. Some people might even experience hyperventilation. Deep breathing exercises are a great way to regulate your nervous system if you feel an anxiety or panic attack coming on.

Heart palpitations

When you’re anxious, it might feel like your heart is going to burst right out of your chest. A pounding heart and heart palpitations can be worrying physical side effects of anxiety, but they normally subside as the anxiety or panic lifts.

Fatigue

Anxiety isn’t just tough on us mentally and emotionally – it can also be physically exhausting. All those stress hormones can leave us drained and flat. Fatigue is a common side effect of anxiety, as is difficulty falling and staying asleep at night.

Aches and pains

Feel like you’ve run a marathon every day? Muscle and joint aches and pains are a very real physical side effect of anxiety – the most common being neck, back, and shoulder pain. Try stretching every morning and checking your posture throughout the day.

Loss of libido

Anxiety, just like many other mental health conditions, can have an impact on your sex life. It’s not uncommon to experience low libido when you have an anxiety disorder. Whether you’re distracted by anxious thoughts or you’re simply too tired from all the other physical effects of anxiety, it can be difficult to get in the mood.

Sweating

Sweating is a common physical effect of anxiety disorders. Some people are chronic ‘nervous sweaters’ and experience excessive sweating in social situations. Unfortunately, the concern or embarrassment around sweating can fuel the anxiety and worsen the symptom.

Shaking

Have you ever trembled with fear before a big presentation or public speaking event? Shaking and shivering can be caused by anxiety-induced hormone surges.

These are just some of the physical effects of anxiety. Research shows having severe anxiety can increase the likelihood of serious health issues like asthma, heart disease, back problems, ulcers, and eyesight difficulties.

Our counsellors can support you in dealing with your anxiety in a supportive, respectful, and confidential environment. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Learn about the different types of anxiety in this blog post.

 

Infographic displaying physical effects of anxiety on human body

How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality

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It’s normal for children and teens to explore how they identify and who they’re attracted to. But if your child isn’t sure where they sit on the gender or sexuality spectrum, they may feel anything but normal.  Love and support from family is crucial during this confusing time.

But talking to your child about gender, sex and identity can be overwhelming. These topics aren’t as black and white as some people might think, and it can be hard to know where to start.

We hope these tips help you support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Listen and learn

It takes a lot of courage to open up about gender and/or sexuality. Chances are your child is worried about how you’ll react, fearing the possibility of judgement and rejection. When your child trusts you enough to talk about these things, really listen to them and try to understand their experience. Show genuine interest and curiosity while respecting their boundaries.

Believe what they’re telling you, and avoid brushing it off as a ‘phase’. This negative attitude can be invalidating to your child and prevent them from opening up again.

 

Create a loving home environment

The best way you can support your child is to accept them for who they are, and let them know they’re loved unconditionally. Ensure your home environment is a safe space where they’re free to express themselves without judgement. Show them encouragement and praise for being open with you.

Avoid using derogatory language, pressuring them to conform to social norms (e.g. wearing certain clothes), or making jokes about their identity and/or expression. Respect their privacy and don’t push them to answer intrusive questions or disclose anything they don’t want to.

 

Do your research

Improve your understanding of LGBTQIA+ experiences and issues by doing some research online. Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms might include:

  • Gender identity: A person’s sense of being male or female or somewhere else on the gender spectrum.
  • Sex assigned at birth: The sex classification people are given at birth based on genitalia.
  • Transgender: A person who does not exclusively identify with the gender they were assigned at birth
  • Cisgender: A person whose gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth.
  • Gender nonbinary: A person who identifies as both male and female, somewhere in between the two, or neither.
  • Gender fluid: When a person’s gender identity shifts between male and female. Their sense of where they are on the spectrum can change over time – even from day to day.
  • Lesbian: A woman or feminine-identifying person who wants to be in a relationship with another woman.
  • Gay: A man who wants to be in a relationship with another man (though sometimes lesbians also use this term).
  • Bisexual: Someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
  • Pansexual: Someone who is interested in having relationships with all gender identities/expressions.

The Gender Unicorn can be a helpful resource for parents/carers and children.

The Gender Unicorn infpgraphic shows difference between gender identity, expression, sex assigned at birth, and attraction

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Coming out is difficult, and a significant event your child will likely remember for the rest of their life. Don’t take away their right to disclose their personal information in their own time. Allow your child to dictate who they do and don’t want to know about this information.

This is a time of exploration and discovery, and your child might not want the entire extended family, all their teachers, or the neighbours to know how they’re feeling until they’ve figured it out for themselves.

 

Monitor their mental health

It’s tough enough being a kid sometimes, and unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ youth can face additional challenges. Research shows LGBT young people are nearly twice as likely to engage in self-injury than their similar-aged peers.

Keep an eye on your child for signs of withdrawal, depression, or self-harm. If you do notice any of these behaviours or other behaviour changes that signal alarm bells for you, remind your child you’re there for them, and seek support from your GP.

How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Adult Children

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Navigating a relationship with adult children can be tricky. When they were kids, you knew what your responsibilities were. You provided them with basic needs such as food, clothes, and medical care, as well as a safe and supportive environment to grow up in. They relied on you for everything.

But what happens when your kids become independent adults who don’t really need you anymore?

Whether they’re learning to walk, heading off to their first day of school, or moving into their first rental, they’ll always be your children. But as your kids mature, your relationship needs to mature, too.

We provide some tips to adapt to your new dynamic and foster a good relationship with your adult children.

 

Let them go and respect new boundaries

It’s normal for emerging adults to pull away from their parents a little in order to define their identity and build independence. Support your grown kids to stand on their own feet, and respect this increased need for privacy.

It may be tempting to call them several times a day or show up to their place unannounced, but a lack of respect for boundaries can damage your relationship.

Letting go can be hard, but it’s an essential building block for a healthy parent-grown-child relationship.

 

Don’t offer advice unless asked

Part of growing up is learning to make your own decisions. You may have had reign over what they wore, ate, and did when they were younger, but now your kids are adults, you’ll need to break away from that role.

Avoid the urge to express your opinion or judgement, as this can be hurtful and drive them away. Let them do things their way, respect their viewpoint, and don’t offer any unsolicited advice.

 

Give them positive feedback and validation

Children want to make their parents proud, even when they’re all grown up. It’s important to celebrate their independence and let them know they’re doing a good job.

Positive feedback such as “your new place looks great” or “I’m so proud of you for being independent” can provide the validation young adults need to build confidence.

 

Find fun ways to spend time together

When you live together, ‘family time’ happens naturally. But when your kids grow up, you may need to get creative to spend time together outside of the fortnightly Sunday roast.

Embrace this opportunity to form a friendship with your child, and do the things you love together. Whether it’s cooking, exercising, watching sport, or going to the cinema, find activities to connect and converse over.

 

Don’t guilt them

Children need independence to succeed, and resisting their autonomy or being too emotionally needy can drive a wedge between you.

Don’t guilt them about moving out of home, or not visiting or calling enough. This can make visiting or calling you feel like an obligation or chore. Chances are your adult kids are busy with work, relationships, and other responsibilities. Be realistic about where you fit into your child’s life now they’re all grown up, and make the most of the time you do have together.

 

If you need support dealing with or resolving concerns around relationships, parenting, or other issues, our counsellors can help. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Are you having a tough time coping with your kids living out of home? You might find our tips for dealing with empty nest syndrome helpful.

Benefits of Gratitude

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Counting your blessings does more than just put you in a good mood.

According to several studies, practising gratitude can have real benefits for mental and physical health. From reducing stress to improving immune function, introducing some gratitude could be the key to a happier and healthier life.

Discover some of the scientifically proven benefits of gratitude, and different ways you can acknowledge the good things in your life each day.

 

Gratitude makes us happier

How would you like to boost your long-term happiness by 10%? Research shows that keeping a daily gratitude journal can do just that. By simply writing down three things that went well each day, you can consciously pay attention to the positives in life, which can make you feel more positive about your life overall.

This concept is backed by science. When a person expresses or receives gratitude, the brain releases dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter. It contributes to feelings of pleasure and satisfaction as part of the reward system.

But gratitude doesn’t just boost positive emotions – it can also reduce the negatives.

“Gratitude blocks toxic emotions such as envy, resentment, regret and depression, which can destroy our happiness,” says Robert Emmons, Professor of Psychology at UC Davis and a leading scientific expert on the science of gratitude.

“A grateful mind will allow you to be less stressed and feel more positive emotions. Research suggests thinking of things you are grateful for has a positive impact on how you feel and behave,” explains licensed clinical psychologist and neurotherapist Catherine Jackson.

 

Gratitude makes us healthier

Apparently, grateful people are healthy people! Research shows those who practise gratitude experience fewer aches and pains, and report having better physical health than those who don’t.

A 2015 study found that gratitude and spiritual wellbeing are related to improved sleep quality, energy, self-efficacy, and lower cellular inflammation. Another study found that practising gratitude can lower blood pressure and improve immune function.

While research on the relationship between gratitude and physical health is still developing, existing studies show there is a connection. So whether it’s a placebo effect or not, practising gratitude could give you some physiological signs of better health.

 

How to Practise Gratitude

Keen to experience the benefits of gratitude for yourself? These are some of our favourite ways to practise gratitude each day. You can try one, all, or a combination of your favourites.

Keep a journal

Make a habit of writing down three things you’re grateful for at the end of each day. From seeing a cute dog to getting positive feedback from a colleague, they can be as small or big as you like. This is a great reminder than while every day may not be good, there is some good in every day.

Thank someone

Appreciate something someone did or said that had a positive impact on you? Make it known in person or via a letter or email. Studies show expressing gratitude can improve your relationships – both in your personal life and at work. Those who take time to show appreciation for their partner report feeling more positive toward the other person, and employees who receive recognition from their managers report feeling motivated to work harder.

Meditate

Use mindfulness meditation to focus on the things you’re grateful for in the present moment. This could be the warmth of the sun, the pleasant sound of silence, or the strength of your body. If you’re looking for a new morning ritual to start the day in a positive mindset, this could be just what you need.

 

If you’d like to speak to a professional about how you can adopt a more positive mindset, our counsellors can help. Learn about our confidential counselling service and how to book an appointment here.

For more advice, check out our tips to silence your inner critic.