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Month: October 2020

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

What to do When Therapy Isn’t Working

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Feel like therapy isn’t helping?

It can be frustrating to leave your counselling session feeling like you’re in the same place you were before you started. While you may not be seeing the progress you’d like, there are some things you can do to make sure you’re getting the most out of your sessions.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if therapy isn’t working for you.

 

Are you going regularly enough?

Change and healing take time and ongoing commitment, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t get results after one session. If you’re not going to counselling regularly (or as recommended by your counsellor), this could be why you’re not experiencing the benefits you’d hoped for.

Think of your mental health like your physical health. Going to a personal trainer once every few months isn’t going to get you where you want to be – and neither is going to therapy every now and then. Consistency is key.

 

Are you committing to the homework?

You only get out what you put in. If you’re not doing your part outside of the counselling session, you won’t see change as quickly.

Your counsellor might have given you ‘homework’ to do between sessions to help you practise new skills and/or coping strategies, or shift away from damaging behaviour patterns. This could be anything from journalling and breathing exercises to rehearsing important conversations. It can help to write down your homework immediately after each session so you don’t forget.

If you don’t feel like you’re getting enough homework, let your counsellor know you’d like more – and make sure you follow through. Applying these new recommended skills can help you accelerate progress and get closer to your goals.

 

Does your lifestyle support a healthy mind?

Similarly to the above, you can’t expect to see progress if you’re not making an effort to cope with your problems and support a positive wellbeing outside your sessions. Counselling is a safe space for you to explore your feelings and concerns and come up with ways to make things better. But it’s ultimately meant to empower you to get through tough times on your own.

Take a holistic approach to your wellbeing by looking at your lifestyle outside of the counselling room. Are you eating nutritious foods and moving your body every day? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you maintaining connections with supportive and loving people? All of these factors have an impact on your mental health and wellbeing.

 

Would you benefit from a different approach?

While you can’t expect a life-changing breakthrough in every single session, you should feel like you’re on the right track to resolving or coping with your issues.

There are lots of different types of therapy out there, and some approaches may not be right for you. If you feel like therapy isn’t working, it might be worth asking your counsellor if they can try a different approach or new strategies and techniques.

 

Do you need to be referred to a different counsellor?

If you feel like your sessions aren’t going anywhere or you don’t feel comfortable opening up with your current counsellor, it might be time to find someone new.

Counsellors know having the right fit is crucial for your progress. They want what’s best for you, and won’t take it personally if you ask to be referred to a different counsellor if you’re not quite clicking.

Learn how to make the most of counselling over video with these tips.

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

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It’s hard to see someone we care about hurting from a significant loss. While we want to be supportive, many of us worry we’ll say or do the wrong thing.

The good news is you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be there to offer love and support.

While everyone experiences grief differently, these general dos and don’ts may help you provide comfort when you’re not sure how.

 

Do:

Offer practical support

While emotional support is important at this time, your loved one might also appreciate some help with practical tasks like housework and errands. Offer to do a load of laundry, mow their lawn, pick up their kids from school, do their grocery shopping, and bring them precooked meals. Above all, ask them how they’d like you to support them to ensure they’re getting the kind of help they need.

Listen with compassion

Loss can bring on strong emotions like sadness, anger, and guilt. However they’re expressing their grief, don’t criticise, judge, or offer unsolicited advice on how to ‘get over it’. Listen with empathy and validate their feelings.

Let them be sad

It’s normal (and expected) for people who are grieving to experience sadness and despair. They may be depressed and struggle to get excited about anything for a while. Avoid trying to cheer them up or putting a positive spin on things with phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason”. Allow them to feel what they need to feel for the first few days or weeks, and let them know they’re safe to express those feelings around you.

Be willing to sit in silence

There may be times when they don’t feel like talking. Avoid the temptation to fill every silence, and just be there with them as a shoulder to cry on or to offer a reassuring hug or hand squeeze. Don’t underestimate the comfort that can come from simply being present.

Continue to support them after the funeral

The funeral has been and gone. The world keeps turning, and everyone has moved on with their lives – except for the bereaved. Don’t go AWOL after the funeral has wrapped up and the sympathy flowers have wilted. Check in with your loved one often, and continue to offer emotional and practical support.

 

Don’t:

Don’t make it about you

The last thing they want to hear right now is “I know how you feel”. Even if you have experienced a similar loss, grief is different for every individual, and there’s never a good time to compare what they’re going through with your own experience. They probably don’t have the emotional capacity to care right now – and nor should they have to.

Don’t push them to open up

Some people don’t like talking about their feelings. Perhaps they’re not ready to open up about what’s happened or how they’re coping yet, and that’s OK. Don’t pressure them to talk about anything they’re not comfortable with. If they’d prefer to sit in silence, stay quiet with them and simply be their shoulder to cry on.

Don’t avoid the subject because you’re uncomfortable

Death isn’t exactly an everyday topic of conversation. In fact, it’s pretty taboo in a lot of western cultures. Many people find the subject uncomfortable, morose, and even scary. But now isn’t the time to prioritise your comfort over their need to express their grief, so don’t avoid or change the subject when they’re opening up to you.

Don’t forget

There may be anniversaries, holidays, birthdays etc. that trigger their grief for years to come, so show your support by checking in on them and continuing to share memories.

Don’t rush them

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s important to remember that grief cannot be healed. The process of grieving isn’t linear – it’s not a ‘one and done’ process where you tick off boxes and leave it all behind you. People who have experienced significant loss carry their grief with them forever.

Grief counsellor and researcher Dr Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing around Grief’ model shows us how over time, grief stays much the same, but our lives begin to grow around it.

Tonkin's model of growing around grief - cartoon model showing grief and recovery

 

RAQ provides confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Our tertiary trained counsellors can assist with a range of issues including grief and loss. You can learn more about our counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Learn how to support someone with depression and learn some of the warning signs of suicide in this article.

How to Talk to a Mate about Mental Health

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Men are known for bottling things up. Some men might find it hard to talk about their feelings due to the stigma that still surrounds men’s mental health.

Outdated ideas that men should be strong and seeking help is a sign of weakness can prevent them from opening up or reaching out in tough times. So they often suffer in silence, which can make their mental health even worse.

Statistics show 1 in 8 men will experience depression, and 1 in 5 men will experience anxiety at some stage of their lives. The number of men who die by suicide in Australia every year is almost double the national road toll.

Talking to your mates about mental health can help remove the stigma and have positive impacts on their wellbeing. It could even help save a life.

We hope these tips on how to talk to men about mental health encourage supportive conversations with your mates when they’re doing it tough.

 

Check in casually

Asking how your mate’s going doesn’t have to be awkward or a big deal. Just bring it up casually after talking about other topics when they’re already relaxed. Research shows 63% of men are most comfortable talking about their mental health over a drink.

Some conversation starters might include:

  • How have you been going?
  • You’ve seemed a bit off lately. How are things going?
  • Sounds like work/school/home life has been pretty stressful for you lately. Want to tell me about it?
  • I heard you say something/noticed you do something that made me worry about you. Do you want to talk about it?

And remember, if your mate asks how you are, always ask them in return. A study revealed 35% of men said if they wanted to talk to a friend about their mental health, they’d ask how their friend is doing and hope they’d ask it back. This simple question could be a sign they’re not doing too well, so don’t skip over it.

 

Pay attention to tone and body language

It can be hard for men to open up about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they might not even know how to put it into words, and it can be so much easier to just fake a smile and say “I’m fine.”

It’s important to read between the lines if what they’re saying doesn’t line up with how they’re acting. If your mate is saying there’s nothing wrong but they’re looking away or stiffening up, it could be a sign there’s more going on beneath the surface.

Show you really care by asking twice. For example, if you ask how they’re going and they say they’re fine but they don’t seem it, you could follow up with something like: “Are you sure? You seem a bit down/stressed lately. Happy to chat about it if you want.” Now your mate knows you’re being genuine and are willing to listen if they’re ready to talk about it.

 

Listen without judgement

If someone has let their guard down and opened up about their mental health, you should make them feel supported and glad they confided in you. Avoid passing judgement, or they could shut down and avoid bringing it up again in future.

Don’t place blame, tell them what to do, make it about your own experiences, or tell them to ‘man up’. If you don’t know what to say, simply listen and encourage them to get it off their chest. Validate their feelings by saying something like:

  • That sounds really tough.
  • I’m sorry you’ve been going through that.
  • It sounds like things have been really hard for you lately.

Research shows 39% of men have had a disappointing reaction when they’ve shared things about their mental health in the past. Showing some empathy and support can help to avoid adding to this statistic.

 

Follow up to see how they’re going

Check in on them regularly to see how things have been and if they might need extra support. If they’re not coping, gently encourage them to seek help.

Counselling can be helpful for anyone suffering with mental health issues or going through a rough patch. RAQ offers confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Call 1300 364 277 to learn more or make an appointment.

Check out this article for tips to support someone with depression and to learn some of the common warning signs of suicide.

 

This advice is applicable to all genders – whether male, female, transgender, gender nonconforming or gender non-binary.

 

Can a Marriage Work After an Affair?

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Infidelity can cause extreme emotional pain and heartbreak – but does it automatically mean the end of your marriage or relationship?

Short answer: It’s different for everyone.

Some couples may find it impossible to reconcile after an affair, with the pain of betrayal too strong for the relationship to progress. Others might work on their issues, rebuild trust, and become stronger than ever before.

Affairs don’t just happen in unhappy marriages or relationships. They can happen in couples that are otherwise happy and healthy. And if both parties are committed, the relationship can be saved.

In this article, we’ll look at what to do when someone cheats on you, and possible ways to recover your relationship after an affair.

 

What to do After an Affair

So you’ve been cheated on – now what? While people cope in different ways and what’s right for some might not be for others, these tips may help you find your footing during this tough time.

Address your needs

Learning your partner has been unfaithful can kick up a lot of negative feelings. It’s important to look after your emotional and physical needs during this time. Prioritise eating balanced meals, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol and drugs.

If you live together and need some space to process things, remove yourself from the situation and organise somewhere to stay – whether it’s with friends, family, or a motel.

Reach out to your support network

Being cheated on can be embarrassing and shameful. You may be tempted to withdraw from friends and family and isolate yourself while you process things. But surrounding yourself with supportive and loving people can make all the difference.

Deciding who you do and don’t tell – and how much you want to share – is a very personal thing. You don’t have to go into the nitty gritty details, but telling the people with your best interests at heart can help you feel less alone.

Remember it’s not about you

Your first response may be to ask what’s wrong with me? You may be left questioning your worth, whether you’re lovable or desirable, or if there’s something you did to deserve this.

It’s important to remind yourself that you’re not to blame for someone else’s behaviour. This was their choice, and it’s not a reflection on you. Even if you were having problems in the relationship, this is no excuse for having an affair. This happened because of their own issues, and not because you’re not good enough.

Prioritise self-care

Sleeping in until midday and snacking on ice cream and Doritos for days? Hey, many of us have been there. A little wallowing is expected, but try not to let your self-care slide when you need it most.

Along with addressing your physical needs like getting enough rest, eating right, and drinking plenty of water, make other forms of self-care a priority, too. Get up, take a shower, and put on an outfit that makes you feel good. Take time to get out of the house and see the people you love. Revisit the hobbies you enjoy. Whatever your self-care looks like, make it a must-do every day.

Have an honest conversation

If it’s safe to do so, talk to your partner about what’s happened. Don’t jump to conclusions or assume you know the full story. Be honest about why this has happened in your relationship, and if there were problems going on in the background. Allowing them to explain themselves might help give you closure, or help you decide whether the relationship is worth repairing or not.

Some signs it may not be worth moving forward with the relationship might include:

  • They have cheated before
  • They’re not remorseful or sorry for their actions
  • They don’t take responsibility for their actions/blame you for ‘making’ them cheat
  • They’re abusive (physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially, or other).

 

Relationship Counselling After an Affair

If you do choose to rebuild your relationship, this will require a strong, long-term commitment from both partners. Relationship counselling can help you work through your issues and gain the skills needed to make your relationship successful.

Many relationship counsellors have seen marriages not only move past an affair, but become stronger than before.

You may want to consider counselling to discuss your feelings and have a safe space to explore yourselves, your situation, and your needs. 

Counselling can help couples to:

  • Prepare for changes in a relationship
  • Address sexual concerns
  • Understand the relationship they have
  • Discuss what they feel about each other now
  • Decide what they are prepared to do to make it work
  • Discover why they chose each other in the first place
  • Understand how they contributed to whatever their relationship has become
  • Deal with the pain of when relationships change or end.

Our trained counsellors are here to provide non-judgmental support and guidance. They don’t take sides or encourage couples to stay together or separate. Learn more about our relationship counselling here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

Foster Parenting Tips

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Thinking of opening your home and heart to a foster child for the short-term or long-term?

Becoming a foster parent is a big step. The journey of a foster carer can have its challenges, but it can also be one of the most rewarding and worthwhile things you ever do.

If you’re a new foster parent feeling nervous about your first placement, we hope these foster parenting tips help you feel a little more prepared.

 

Provide their creature comforts

Along with the basics like clean clothes and personal hygiene items, make them feel as welcome as possible by providing their preferred creature comforts. Ask them what their favourite meals and snacks are, and if they’d like a night light or noise machine to sleep.

These small additions can make a huge difference for your foster child, helping them feel at home faster.

 

Give them time and space

It’s normal for foster carers to want to be there for their foster children right away. But it can take time for children to feel comfortable opening up – especially in an unfamiliar environment.

Give them time and space to get comfortable with their new home and with you. Let them know you’re there for them when they need you, but don’t push them to tell you about their past or how they’re feeling.

 

Establish a routine

Foster children often come from unsafe, abusive, or negligent backgrounds. They may have lived in chaotic environments where they didn’t know what was going to happen next.

The stability and predictability of a routine can help them feel safe and reduce their stress – and it can also teach and create boundaries. Establish a daily schedule and let them know what’s planned so they know what to expect.

 

Be flexible with your expectations

You might dream of taking a foster child under your wing, helping them turn their life around and thrive in school and social circles. But it’s important to remember that they’ve likely been through a lot, and they may not achieve the milestones you’ve set for them on your timeline – or ever.

Don’t get too attached to your expectations or how you’d like your time together to go. Instead, be patient and understanding, and support your foster child to do their best at their own pace.

 

Seek professional help if needed

Your foster child might need extra support processing their trauma and feelings. A professional counsellor can help them explore their emotions and deal with their concerns in a supportive and confidential environment.

This applies to you, too. Caring for a child in need can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Remember to look after yourself and talk to a professional if you need to.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

 

How to Help Someone with a Gambling Problem

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Worried someone you care about might have a gambling problem?

A gambling problem or gambling addiction can have serious impacts on the gambler and the people around them. These impacts aren’t just financial, either. Problem gambling can lead to relationship breakdowns and can negatively impact mental health, causing depression and anxiety.

Recovering from a gambling problem isn’t easy, and the right encouragement from friends and family can make a significant difference. But where do you even start?

It can be hard to know how to help a loved one with unhealthy gambling habits. We hope this advice helps you better understand what they may be going through, provide support, and encourage them on the road to recovery.

 

Know the signs

A gambling problem can be easy to hide. Some signs of a gambling problem can be so subtle that even the gambler may not think they have an issue.

Not all gambling is a problem. But if someone you care about is displaying these signs, it may mean gambling has become a problem for them.

  • Hiding the extent of their gambling
  • Trying to win back their gambling losses
  • Feeling guilty or remorseful about gambling
  • Arguing with family and friends after gambling
  • Withdrawing and disconnecting from their loved ones
  • Spending more time or money gambling than planned
  • Borrowing money, getting a loan, or selling their things to gamble
  • Finding it hard not to gamble at every opportunity, or to stop gambling once they’ve started
  • Neglecting other activities to gamble (e.g. work, time with friends and family, their regular leisure activities).

These are just some behaviours that might indicate a gambling problem or compulsion.

 

Understand problem gambling

It’s important to remember that gambling is the problem – the person is not. As well as knowing what warning signs to look for, it may help to deepen your understanding of why your loved one might be gambling in the first place.

Knowing more about their situation can help you develop understanding and compassion – even if you’re angry or upset with them for their gambling behaviours.

Some common reasons people gamble include:

  • Out of boredom or loneliness
  • To escape worries, problems, and negative emotions.

Many problem gamblers feel shame and guilt around their behaviour and how it impacts those around them. Unfortunately, these overwhelming emotions can lead to ongoing gambling.

 

Start the conversation

Raise the topic in a private setting when you’re one-on-one. You might like to gently bring it up after you’ve already been talking about other things to ensure they’re comfortable and relaxed.

Try to voice your concern in a respectful and calm way, and avoid coming across as accusatory or judgemental. This can make them become defensive or shut down entirely. Instead of pointing the finger, use “I” statements to tell them what’s been worrying you.

For example:

  • “I feel like gambling is affecting our relationship.”
  • “I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time on gambling apps.”
  • “I’m worried betting is causing stress for you.”

 

Suggest helpful resources

You can’t force your friend or family member to stop gambling. Instead, offer some relevant resources to encourage them to start their journey to recovery.

  • Check Your Gambling – This short online quiz allows users to check whether their gambling is becoming a problem based on the Problem Gambling Severity Index.
  • Spend Calculator – This gambling spend calculator requires users to think about how much they really spend on gambling, and what that money could be buying them instead.
  • Self-Exclusion – A self-exclusion or self-ban allows users to ban themselves from specific gambling providers, products, or services.
  • 1800 858 858 – This gambling helpline is available 24/7. Anyone impacted by gambling can call to talk to a gambling counsellor over the phone or book a face-to-face counselling session.

 

Get support for yourself

Those close to someone with problem gambling behaviour can often experience feelings of sadness, stress, anger, and hopelessness. It’s important to prioritise your own emotional wellbeing and seek help if needed.

It’s easy to focus all your energy and attention on trying to change the behaviour of the gambler – but this can mean your own self-care and needs are forgotten.

Friends and family of problem gamblers are also eligible for counselling support. This support may help you to develop strategies to care for yourself while supporting your loved one, take care of your own mental health and wellbeing, and learn ways to reduce the harm caused by your loved one’s gambling behaviour. You can learn more about our Gambling Help Program here, or call us on 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

 

Is gambling a common argument topic in your relationship? Learn how to have a healthy argument and what to avoid in the heat of the moment with our article How to Fight Fair in a Relationship.