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Month: January 2021

10 Questions to Ask Before Having a Baby

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Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Kids can change everything, from your sleep schedule to your social calendar.

It can be the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you do – but it can also be the most challenging. That’s why it’s important to give it some thought and planning before taking the plunge into parenthood.

To help you get started, we’ve listed 10 important things you may want to discuss before having a baby.

 

1. Why do you want to have kids?

Chances are you’ve discussed when you want to have kids and maybe even how many you’d like to have, but it’s important to consider the why, too.

This simple question can start a deep and meaningful conversation that’ll likely have you learning a lot more about each other. It can also help you determine whether right now is the right time or not.

 

2. What if we can’t get pregnant right away?

How long are you willing to try for a baby before considering other options? Are you both open to fertility treatments or adoption? How many rounds of IVF would you be willing to try, if any?

It’s important to have these difficult conversations and ensure you’re on the same page.

 

3. What are your biggest fears about having a baby?

It’s normal to have some worries and fears around raising a human. Worrying about your child and whether you’re doing a good job comes with the territory of being a parent.

Talking about your fears before baby comes along can help you address them proactively – or at least share the load with someone you trust.

 

4. How are we going to share parenting duties?

From nappy changes to late-night feeds, babies come with a long list of daily to-dos for their parents. Failing to discuss how you’ll divide parenting duties fairly may lead to some resentment down the track.

It’s always best to talk it out before you’re arguing over whose turn it is to get up with bub in the middle of the night.

 

5. How do we want to discipline?

It’s a parent’s job to teach their child right from wrong. No matter how well behaved your child is, you’ll likely have to discipline them in some way one day.

It’s important to present a united front with your partner to ensure boundaries are clear and consistent, so you’ll need to agree on appropriate consequences/punishments for misbehaving.

 

6. How involved do we want our families to be?

How do you feel about your in-laws popping around unannounced every day? Are you happy for relatives to spend hours passing your baby around the living room every weekend? It’s normal for families to get excited over a new baby, but an endless loop of visitors can be draining.

Discuss how involved you’d like your families and friends to be, and set boundaries early on. For example, you might tell your loved ones to text or call to ask if it suits instead of just dropping in whenever they see fit.

 

7. How will we keep our relationship strong?

It’s no secret that having a baby can cause some new issues in a relationship. Accepting that the road might be rocky for a while is one thing, but making a commitment to nurture your relationship during the tough times is another.

This could be in the form of a monthly date night, an annual romantic weekend getaway, or an hour dedicated to child-free chat after baby’s bedtime.

We’ve listed some of the common relationship problems that come with having a baby and how to overcome them in this blog post.

 

8. What will we do for childcare?

One of the more practical things to consider before having a baby is who will look after it – not just now, but in the years before school starts.

What kind of maternity/paternity leave entitlements do you have? Will one person leave the workforce and stay at home? Will you put your child in day care or hire a nanny? These nitty-gritty details need to be nutted out in advance to ensure you’re not scrambling for solutions.

 

9. What beliefs and values do we want to pass on?

Beyond teaching your child how to be kind and respectful, there might be other beliefs and values you’d like to impart. Do you want to raise them within a particular religion? Are you passionate about teaching them about gender equality? Is it important to you that they’re exposed to people from all walks of life?

Kids are like sponges, and what they see and hear in the home can have a huge impact on their beliefs and values. Consider the things you want to intentionally include in their upbringing.

 

10. Who will care for our child if anything happens to us?

It may not be a pleasant topic, but it’s something every parent/caregiver needs to consider. And more than that – you should make it official with a written will. The peace of mind of securing your child’s future will be worth the temporary discomfort.

 

Many individuals and couples find counselling helpful when they’re thinking about making a big life decision like having a baby. Our qualified counsellors can help you explore your feelings and concerns in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to book a counselling session in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

What to do When Your Parents Don’t Share Your Beliefs

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They say our differences bring us closer together, but this isn’t always the case when it comes to politics, religion, and other topics that can be sensitive.

It’s normal for us to disagree on things from time to time. We all hold our own values and beliefs, even if we share DNA. But it can range from a little uncomfortable to infuriating when we’re constantly clashing with our parents.

We hope these tips help you keep your cool and get along with your parents, even if you butt heads over the big stuff. Unless they have some truly toxic beliefs, your aim should be to get your point across while maintaining your relationship.

 

Stay calm

While it may be tempting to raise your voice or roll your eyes, this can quickly turn an uncomfortable conversation into a heated argument. Even if your parent is getting snarky, don’t match their attitude in response.

Avoid insulting or belittling them, and whatever you do, don’t tell them they’re wrong. This can feel judgemental and trigger defensiveness. If you think your parents are wrong, say “I disagree” instead, and explain why.

If you’re feeling really hurt or angry, take a deep breath and let them know you need to take a break and walk away.

 

Listen

Everyone is entitled to their opinion – no matter how different it might be from your own. Respect that your parents have their own beliefs based on their experiences, and listen to their point of view. Don’t interrupt. Don’t argue. Allow them to finish before you respond.

Of course, this doesn’t apply if you’re being spoken to in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. If your parents are yelling or using abusive language, tell them you’re going to walk away until you can have a calm and respectful conversation.

 

Don’t try to change their mind

If you find an opportunity to educate your parents – great! But remember there’s a difference between sharing information that supports your opinion, and forcing your beliefs onto other people.

Constantly trying to convince your parents to take your side can be exhausting. Remind yourself that it’s not your job to change their mind.

 

Know what topics to avoid

You don’t have to engage in conversations that make you feel upset or offended. If certain topics are causing too much tension or conflict in your relationship, it might be time to set some boundaries. Find an appropriate time to suggest you agree to disagree and keep that topic on lockdown for now.

If your parent continues to broach the subject to get a rise out of you, calmly tell them you’re not engaging, and walk away if you need to.

 

Separate your relationship from your disagreements

When someone disagrees with us on something we feel strongly about, it can be easy to let that difference of opinion impact our opinion of that person. But if you want to maintain your relationship, it’s important to try to separate your parent from their beliefs.

If they support you and treat you with respect outside of that disagreement, it might help to look at the bigger picture and keep this and all their other positive qualities in mind for next time.

 

If you need some extra support navigating tricky relationships, talking to a counsellor can help. Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment with one of our counsellors in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video chat.

Online Survey Participants Needed for Healthcare App for Gamblers

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We’re looking for people who gamble at least twice per week to participate in an online survey.

As part of a Flinders University PhD student research project, they’re developing a healthcare app for gamblers and want to hear from you. This survey will ask a series of multiple-choice questions about your feelings toward apps, then ask for your opinions on their app.

The survey will take 15 minutes, and participants will receive a $20 voucher for their time. Please click here or use the URL address below to begin the survey.

https://qualtrics.flinders.edu.au/jfe/form/SV_9oc8FBpZpqrIoMS

If you have any questions, please contact the lead researcher at luke.brownlow@flinders.edu.au. You will remain fully anonymous throughout the survey.

What is Gaslighting?

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The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular in recent years, but this behaviour has been common among abusers for centuries.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse used to manipulate and control the victim. It can be so subtle the victim might not even realise it’s happening. But as sneaky as it can be, gaslighting can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Learn more about this toxic tactic and how to spot it in your relationships.

 

What does ‘gaslighting’ mean?

The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, and the 1944 film adaptation of the play, Gaslight. In this story, a husband tricks his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

He does this by making her think she’s hearing things that aren’t there, and dimming and brightening their gas-fuelled lights and telling her she’s hallucinating.

Today, we recognise gaslighting as a form of emotional or psychological abuse that involves manipulation, lies, denial and blame to make someone question their perception of reality or their memory. It’s almost like a type of brainwashing that makes the victim feel confused and start to second-guess their own judgement.

 

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be hard to pick up on, especially if you’ve been experiencing it for a long time. In an intimate relationship, the gaslighter generally uses these tactics to control their partner and/or to get away with certain behaviours.

Here are some common examples of gaslighting:

  • Your partner tells you they’ll be home by 6pm. When they get home at 10pm, you ask why they’re late as you were expecting them at 6pm. They deny having ever told you they’d be home at 6pm, saying you made it up or questioning your memory: “You never remember things correctly!”
  • Your partner makes a nasty comment about your weight. When you get upset, they say you’re being too sensitive or overreacting, or you can’t take a joke. They might even counter by saying something like: “You know I love your body.”
  • Your partner leaves the room to answer their phone. You overhear them flirting and making plans with someone. When you confront them about it, they lie and say it was just their mum, and you’re jealous and crazy.

These are just some examples of how a partner might use gaslighting to make someone doubt themselves and get what they want.

If you’re experiencing or using manipulative or controlling behaviours in your relationship, it might help to speak to a professional counsellor. RAQ’s tertiary qualified counsellors can help you explore your concerns and consider your options in a supportive and non-judgemental environment.

Call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom videocall.

How to Be a Good Dad

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Dads and stepdads play a big part in kids’ lives. But what does it mean to be a good dad today?

The role of a father has changed a lot over the years, with dads playing a more active role in parenting than ever before.

Whether you’re about to become a new father or you’re looking to improve your relationship with your children, we hope our advice for dads helps you be a supportive and nurturing father.

We recognise that there are many types of parents and father figures, as well as different styles of parenting. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach to raising children, but we hope these tips help if relevant to you.

 

Prioritise Quality Time

One of the best fathering tips is to simply spend time with your kids. It’s true what they say – they grow up before you know it! So make the most of their younger years by making as many memories as you can.

Make an effort to talk to them and get to know them. Ask them questions about their interests and ideas. Being a hands-on dad means more than just showing up – you need to be present and engaged.

 

Discipline with Love

As tempting as it is to just be the ‘fun dad’ and act like their friend, this approach can lead to issues down the road. That’s not to say you can’t play with your kids, have fun and joke around, but you also need to provide positive guidance and fair discipline to help establish boundaries and responsibility.

When it comes to discipline, remember to set clear and consistent rules and explain them to your kids in an age-appropriate manner.

 

Be a Good Role Model

Parents are children’s main teachers in life. Not only do you have to teach them basic skills, but it’s your job to show them right from wrong and encourage them to make good choices. You can do this by modelling positive behaviour yourself.

Remember that whatever you say and do is on display for your children to see, and what they grow up seeing becomes their idea of ‘normal’.

 

Eat Together as a Family

Research shows fewer families are sitting down to eat dinner together these days, despite 78% of Australians agreeing dinnertime is the greatest family connector.

Eating dinner together at the table is a great way to make sure you’re getting a chunk of quality time every day. Turn off the TV, put your phone on silent, and give them your full attention.

 

Respect the Other Parent

Whether you’re still together or not, it’s important to show respect for your child’s other parent/caretaker. Communicate with them in a respectful manner, and avoid speaking negatively about them in front of your kids.

Kids learn a lot from their parents’ relationship, and this can influence how they treat people and how they’re willing to be treated in their own relationships when they’re older. Try to set a good example of what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like.

Co-parenting with an ex? Check out our tips to make joint custody work.

 

RAQ offers a range of Men and Family Relationship services to help men build and maintain strong relationships with their children, partner, family and friends.

These services include counselling, family dispute resolution, assistance on relationship and parenting matters, and education courses on relationship issues and personal growth. You can learn more or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

COVID-19 Update: Keeping You Safe and Supported

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The safety and wellbeing of our clients and staff is our utmost priority, and our management team continues to closely monitor all information and public health advice regarding the Novel Coronavirus. We have established processes in place that allow us to respond rapidly to emerging information and advice, with your safety in mind.

In venues that continue to deliver face-to-face services, we are complying with both the Federal and State public health principles and guidelines to establish and maintain measures to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

This includes regular cleaning of our venues, following social distancing measures, obtaining the appropriate hygiene and personal protective equipment, and providing relevant training to staff.

At this stressful time, many people across Australia’s migrant communities are facing challenges because of COVID-19. Different regions of Australia and different communities within regions will have different challenges.

We welcome and value the contributions to our society made by our multicultural community. As a trusted leading provider of family and relationships services for over 70 years, Relationships Australia is proud to stand beside all community members, in all of their diversity, to support them to maintain positive and safe relationships.

Relationships Australia celebrates the strength of our diverse communities, and acknowledges and respects the cultural, spiritual and economic sovereignty of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the traditional custodians of the land on which we all live.

We’re doing all we can to make sure we’re still here when you need us. You can access our services over the phone, via Zoom videoconferencing, or in person at several of our venues. Our helpful team can provide more information and discuss which of our services can best support you on 1300 364 277.

For more information on Novel Coronavirus, call the National Coronavirus Health Information Line 24 hours a day, seven days a week, on 1800 020 080.

Signs of Postnatal Depression

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Having a baby is stressful. From the surge in hormones to the sleep deprivation, it’s no wonder new mothers feel like they’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

But while it’s normal for mums to feel stressed and even teary and sensitive for a couple of weeks after baby has arrived, if these ‘baby blues’ symptoms continue or worsen, it may be a sign of postpartum depression – a much different phenomenon than postpartum blues.

Postpartum or postnatal depression (PND) is a serious mental health condition that impacts 1 in 7 women who give birth in Australia every year. It’s not limited to just mums, either. Fathers can also be at risk of PND, with up to 1 in 10 new dads experiencing depression during the pregnancy or after the birth.

It’s important to know the difference between baby blues and postnatal depression by familiarising yourself with common PND symptoms. Learning the signs of PND can be the first step to helping you or someone you know during this difficult time.

 

PND Symptoms

People can experience PND differently. It can take just a few days or several weeks for a new mother to develop PND, and it can range from a mild feeling of sadness to debilitating depression. New fathers are more prone to developing PND if their partner has it.

While the exact cause of PND is unknown, the physical, emotional and social changes that come with having a baby can definitely contribute.

Some of the common signs and symptoms of PND include:

  • Feeling exhausted and having very low energy
  • Having a very low mood a lot of the time
  • Irritability and tearfulness
  • Loss of confidence and self-esteem
  • Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope
  • Feeling inadequate and a failure as a parent
  • Sense of hopelessness about the future
  • Feeling guilty, ashamed or worthless
  • Feeling anxious or panicky
  • Having trouble sleeping or sleeping for too long
  • Worrying excessively about their baby
  • Feeling scared of being alone or going out
  • Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
  • Changes in appetite, either not eating or overeating
  • Low sex drive
  • Loss of interest in normal activities
  • Withdrawing from close friends and family
  • Not looking after themselves
  • Finding it hard to get moving each day
  • Struggling with everyday tasks like cooking or shopping
  • Thoughts of harming self and/or baby.

 

How to Support Someone with PND

Seeing someone you care about struggle with PND can be painful. You might feel helpless and not know what to do, but there are a few ways to offer support and show you care.

Provide emotional support

It’s common for people to get excited about the baby and forget to ask how the mum/parents are doing. Don’t forget to check in regularly and be willing to listen. Simply lending an ear when they need to vent can make a huge difference.

Many new parents feel guilty opening up about the difficulties they’re facing, so if your loved one trusts you enough to share how they’re feeling, listen with empathy and understanding. Validate their feelings and let them know they’re doing a great job despite how hard it is.

Offer practical help

If there’s one thing new parents have in common, it’s that they could use a hand. Some new parents might feel uncomfortable or guilty asking for help. They might consider themselves ‘failures’ for not being able to handle everything on their own. But there’s a reason the proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” has stuck around for so long.

Help with practical tasks like cooking, cleaning and watching the baby to give them a chance to sleep, shower, or simply eat a meal with two hands. Ask if they need help with any errands outside the home, such as picking up medication or grocery shopping. Anything you can do to lighten their load will help.

 

Help for PND

There are several treatment options for people experiencing postnatal depression. If you’re worried you or someone you know has PND, a GP can talk to you about a treatment plan appropriate for your situation. This might include a mental health care plan and referral to see a mental health professional, or medication that’s safe to take during pregnancy and breastfeeding.

Our professional counsellors assist individuals, couples and families with a range of issues including anxiety, depression, relationship problems and parenting issues. You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Discover the common relationship problems after having a baby and how to handle them in this blog post.