Month: February 2021

Do you ever worry you’re not as good as you seem? Like you have no clue what you’re doing and it’s only a matter of time until others find out?

If you feel you’re ‘tricking’ people into thinking you’re better than you actually are, you may have imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is a phenomenon where you struggle to accept your own successes, and instead attribute them to other factors like luck.

While a little bit of doubt now and then is normal, imposter syndrome can be harmful if you don’t take the time to challenge your beliefs. Some ways imposter syndrome can affect how you act include:

• Downplaying your achievements and taking full responsibility for your failures
• Refusing to accept compliments
• Constantly comparing yourself to others
• Overworking to make sure ‘everything is getting done’
• Perfectionism
• Being reluctant to speak openly in case you seem ‘stupid’.

While there’s no one explanation for how imposter syndrome can develop, being a high achiever or a perfectionist may make it harder for you to accept when you’ve done a good job, and lead to those feelings of being a fraud. Anxiety and depression can also make it difficult for you to acknowledge your achievements and contribute to imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome can make you feel stressed, upset and isolated. Here are some tips to manage it if it starts feeling overwhelming.

 

Realise you’re not alone

Did you know that most executive managers are scared of being found incompetent?

It’s easy to feel like you’re the only person pulling the wool over other peoples’ eyes. But the truth is that almost everyone doubts themselves sometimes.

People with imposter syndrome often fall into the trap of comparing their failures to others’ successes. But situations like starting a new job or taking on a challenging project are stressful no matter how ‘successful’ you are. In those circumstances, a bit of doubt about if you’re making the right choices is normal.

So the next time you’re worried your boss thinks you’re incompetent, remember they’ve probably had days where they feel like they’re fooling people too!

 

Try a new angle

Many people with imposter syndrome have a performance mindset, which means they think of their work as a reflection of how competent they are.

This can make it hard to handle criticism, as making a mistake can feel like a sign of your underlying failures or incompetence.

But making mistakes and receiving constructive criticism is a normal part of working in a team, which is why switching to a learning mindset can be a good way to combat those feelings of inadequacy.

Instead of focusing on making your work perfect, try and focus on ways you can learn and improve in response to feedback. This way, making mistakes doesn’t seem like an indicator of incompetence, but just a normal part of improving your skills at something new.

 

Be patient and persistent

One of the things that can make imposter syndrome worse is constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling like they’re better than you. But nobody ever became an expert at anything overnight!

It’s important to remember that a lot of the things you might feel like you’re failing at are skills, and skills get better with practice.

To combat those feelings of failure, try writing down an honest assessment of what you’re good at and where your work could be improved. Brainstorm ways to improve a few particular skills on that list, like taking a class or doing practice exercises.

Be patient as you work on these skills, and remember with regular practice, you’ll naturally improve over time.

 

Give a lesson to the class

Sometimes a great way to recognise your own expertise is to teach someone else.

Do you know something you could pass on to someone else in your life? Maybe a colleague or a friend could benefit from learning something you already know.

Helping others can be a good way of reminding yourself how much you’ve learned already. If someone in your life wants to learn something you’re skilled at, offer to set aside some time to teach them.

They’ll be grateful for your help, and along the way you might realise you knew more than you thought!

 

Take time to celebrate your wins

Stopping to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished can help you feel more like you deserve your success.

Try taking a little time every day to write down something you’re proud of. Spending even just five minutes patting yourself on the back for finishing that to-do list or completing a big project can be a great step towards breaking free of imposter syndrome.

It also means you have a list of your achievements on hand that you can look back on whenever you’re having a particularly bad day.

 

Talk to someone

If you’re still spending most of your day feeling like a fraud, it might be helpful to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

Maybe you could talk to a trusted mentor who could give you an honest assessment of your work, or a friend who can give you space to talk about your fears.

If these feelings persist, seeking professional support can help you start to untangle those feelings of inadequacy and perfectionism.

RAQ has counsellors who can help you work through the negative feelings that come with imposter syndrome. Call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom video chat.

For more tips on how to manage negative feelings when you start doubting yourself, check out our article on how to silence your inner critic.

Can positivity be a bad thing?

The phrase “toxic positivity” refers to the idea that having a positive attitude and “good vibes only” is the best way to live. It tells us that negative emotions are bad, and expressing feelings such as sadness, anger and disappointment makes us weak or not fun to be around.

But no one feels happy all the time, and ups and downs are a normal part of life. Suppressing negative emotions can cause more psychological harm, and can even lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

We hope these tips help you avoid toxic positivity and be more compassionate to yourself and others.

 

What to avoid

Here are some examples of toxic positivity that can alienate people who might be having a hard time, and make you seem unrelatable and unapproachable.

Dismissing someone’s feelings

Say your friend tells you they’ve had a bad day at work, they’re having relationship problems, or they’re simply in a bad headspace at the moment. This is not your cue to be a cheerleader and try to make them feel better with phrases like: “Look on the bright side”, “It could be worse”, or “There’s nothing to be worried about”.

These responses tell your friend their feelings aren’t acceptable or justified. This doesn’t help them feel better – in fact, it can make them feel even worse. It can also prevent them from coming to you when they have issues in the future.

Shaming someone for bringing down the mood

Similarly, you shouldn’t make someone feel like they’re not fun to be around or don’t deserve your time unless they’re in a good mood and a positive headspace.

Judging someone for expressing their negative feelings by calling them a “Debbie Downer” or telling them not to “kill your vibe” can make that person feel shame around their (very normal) negative emotions. They should feel welcome and supported no matter their mood.

Avoiding your own negative feelings

Do you act happy and positive even when you’re not feeling that way on the inside? Maybe you want to maintain the image of a fun and cheerful person, or maybe you’re worried your negative emotions will annoy or inconvenience the people around you.

Avoiding or minimising your negative emotions can breed shame and self-esteem issues, as well as mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

 

What to do instead

Here are some ways to overcome toxic positivity and deal with unpleasant emotions in a healthier way.

Validate others’ feelings

We all have the right to feel how we feel. It can help to hear that it’s OK and normal to feel these things instead of being told to get over it or to be optimistic. A little empathy and understanding goes a long way.

Try:

• “That must be really difficult for you.”
• “It sounds like you’re having a really hard time.”
• “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now.”
• “You’re really strong for getting through that.”
• “How we can make things better?”

Tune into your own feelings

Our emotions are important. They tell us information about ourselves and help us be mindful in the present moment. Negative emotions are completely normal, and it’s healthy to acknowledge and process them in order to heal and grow.

Check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling and why. It might be a cue that you need to make some changes in your life. Or maybe you just need to take a day to rest and recuperate. Have some self-compassion and don’t judge yourself for feeling the way you do or try to mask it with fake positivity.

Remember most of what you see online is a highlight reel

People often only post positive stuff on social media. Scrolling through endless images of big smiles, good times, and inspirational quotes can make us feel bad about ourselves if we’re not in the same headspace. But the fact is everyone has bad days and gets down in the dumps – we just don’t share those times online!

If social media makes you feel pressured to be optimistic and gratefull all the time, it might be worth taking a break or unfollowing certain accounts.

We talk about how social media can cause anxiety in this blog post.

 

If you’re having a hard time coping with unpleasant emotions, counselling can be a great way to explore how you’re feeling and come up with solutions. You can call 1300 364 277 to book a counselling appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video chat.