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Month: March 2021

Dealing with Domestic Violence During the Coronavirus

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For many, self-isolation is an inconvenience. But for survivors of domestic abuse, it’s a nightmare.

Domestic and family violence rates have risen around the world since the coronavirus lockdown.

Social distancing restrictions have left many survivors of domestic abuse stuck inside with their abuser – all day, every day. Survivors may be isolated from their support networks, and they may be finding it difficult to access support while in such close quarters with their abuser.

Stressful events like the coronavirus pandemic can exacerbate existing family violence. Perpetrators may use the coronavirus and related issues (e.g. financial strain) as an excuse to be abusive. But no matter what’s happening in the world, there’s never an excuse for domestic and family abuse.

We talked to Relationships Australia QLD Regional Manager Helen Poynten, and Clinical Supervisor Patricia Holden, for some advice for coping in an abusive relationship.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

What does domestic violence look like?

Not all domestic violence involves physical hitting. Not all abuse leaves a visible bruise or mark. Domestic and family violence can happen to anyone – children and adults, women and men – and comes in many forms.

“Signs that you might be experiencing domestic violence are not always as obvious as you might think,” Helen explains. “That’s because domestic abuse is about controlling someone’s mind and emotions as much as hurting their body. Being abused can leave you scared and confused. It can be hard for you to see your partner’s actions for what they really are.”

“Usually, physical abuse isn’t what comes first. The abuse can creep up slowly. A putdown here or there. An odd excuse to keep you away from family or friends. The violence often ramps up once you’ve been cut off from other people. By then, you feel trapped. Know that there is always help available.”

These are just some of the ways survivors might experience abuse during the coronavirus lockdown and every day.

Physical Abuse

  • Hitting, punching, pushing, shaking, biting, choking, or spitting on someone
  • Using weapons or items to hurt someone (e.g. knives, guns, household objects)
  • Withholding items like food, medicine, hand wash, hand sanitiser, and disinfectants

Sexual Abuse

  • Touching or kissing someone without their consent
  • Forcing or pressuring someone to perform sexual acts or have sexual acts performed on them

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

  • Controlling what someone can do or say (e.g. what they can wear, where they can go)
  • Controlling who someone can and can’t speak to or see
  • Using news and/or misinformation about COVID-19 to control or frighten someone
  • Putting someone down or calling them names
  • Using disrespectful language (e.g. swearing)
  • Yelling or screaming at someone
  • Treating someone like a servant
  • Comparing someone to others to damage their self-esteem
  • Blaming someone for all the problems in a relationship
  • Threatening to harm someone, their children, property, or pet

Financial Abuse

  • Controlling how someone spends their money
  • Stopping someone from accessing money or benefits
  • Demanding money from someone or taking their belongings
  • Forbidding someone from working or studying
  • Limiting the amount of petrol in the car

Technological Abuse

  • Using a phone or other technology to control or embarrass someone
  • Monitoring someone’s communication without them knowing
  • Controlling someone’s use of technology (e.g. isolating them from friends/family)

Harassment or Stalking

  • Demanding to know where someone is at all times
  • Watching, following or monitoring someone
  • Going through someone’s personal information (e.g. texts, social media, emails, phone bills)
  • Harassing someone over the internet or phone (e.g. repeated calls, texts, emails)
  • Tracking someone’s movements through GPS devices and spyware

If you’re not sure whether you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you might like to speak to a trusted friend or family member.

“Trust your gut instinct,” Helen says. “If something is starting to feel weird and you’re not feeling safe in your home, reach out to a trusted friend/family member. Sometimes just checking your experiences with someone else can help you sort out how you feel about your situation and if you are experiencing a form of domestic violence.”

You can learn more about the types of domestic and family abuse here.

 

Creating a Safety Plan

If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you might like to consider coming up with a safety plan in case you need to leave the environment.

“It’s good to have a plan that lists what you will do, how you will do it, where you will go, who’s involved, and what you need,” Helen explains. “It usually involves having an emergency bag if you need to leave quickly.”

Your emergency bag might include essential items such as:

  • Contact numbers
  • Cash
  • Keys
  • Medications
  • Basic clothing
  • Copies of important documents (e.g. passport, licence, Medicare card).

“Think of it as like a fire safety plan,” says Patricia. “It’s important to plan ahead in case something happens. Practice in your head how you might do it.”

Patricia suggests including an exit strategy such as putting the bins out and continuing away from the home to your agreed place of exit, e.g. the police station or a friend’s place.

If there are children in the home, you can include them in the plan – depending on their age and understanding of what’s happening. It’s really important for everyone’s safety that you seek support to determine when children can and can’t be included.

“It’s good to chat with someone – like a Relationships Australia QLD counsellor or DVConnect – to figure out if children need to be included,” says Patricia. “You don’t want to put yourself or your children at risk if they feel pressured to tell everything to the perpetrator.”

If you need support with a safety plan, contact Relationships Australia QLD on 1300 364 277.

You can learn more about safety planning with this helpful safety planning checklist from 1800RESPECT.

 

Where to Find Support

“Ask for help,” says Helen. “There are services available 24 /7 that are here if you need help. Please don’t feel ashamed of what’s happening to you. Know you are not causing the abuse you are experiencing. Violence is never excusable. Not now, not ever.”

Patricia adds, “Don’t underestimate the importance of just keeping in touch with your friends and family. You never know when you might need support, or be a support to others.”

Helen recommends being inventive with your friends to find different ways to get support if you’re feeling unsafe.

Here is an example of a post on Facebook:

To talk to a telephone counsellor, you can call us on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday between 8am-8pm and Saturday between 10am-4pm.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing in the Coronavirus Outbreak

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How to Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing During Coronavirus - Cartoon man stretching outdoors

Are you feeling a little uneasy or downright distressed about the coronavirus?

It’s understandable for Australians to be experiencing concern and anxiety – especially with the overwhelming amount of negative news and speculation in the media.

You might be fearful for your health or that of your friends and family. Perhaps you’re confused by conflicting information online. Or maybe you’re just wondering where you’ll get your next pack of toilet paper.

Many of us are taking extra precautions to protect our physical health. But as we sneeze into our elbows and slather our hands in sanitiser, what are we doing to protect our mental and emotional health and wellbeing?

We chatted to Clinical Supervisor Kylie Turner for some advice on how we can look after our mental health and avoid social isolation in a time of ‘social distancing’.

“With the arrival of COVID-19, life feels particularly uncertain for many people as the theme of the unknown is strongly present in our day-to-day lives,” Kylie says. “When things go as planned, we feel in control. But when life throws a curveball, it can leave us feeling anxious and stressed.”

We hope these tips help you and your loved ones protect your emotional wellbeing during the current public health situation.

 

Avoid Loneliness while Avoiding Isolation - Cartoon people on social media

You’ve probably heard health experts urging people to practise voluntary ‘social distancing’ to prevent – or at least slow down – the spread of the coronavirus. Big-crowd events like music festivals and sports events have been cancelled. Companies have advised their staff to work from home. Universities are delivering classes online. Gyms and pools have closed.

These precautionary measures are part of the plan to “flatten the curve” and keep the number of confirmed cases at a manageable level for the health care system. And while these protective actions will help mitigate infection, this social distancing can have negative side effects on our mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

Research shows loneliness is as bad for us as smoking 15 cigarettes per day. It’s a major risk factor for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

“It is a basic human need to feel and stay connected with others, whether they be family, friends or colleagues,” Kylie says.

“When experiencing so many unknowns, it is even more important to keep those connections flowing. Connecting with others who are experiencing the same as us can often help to normalise our thoughts and feelings in what is a rather abnormal situation.”

So how do we avoid social isolation during social distancing? Here are a few ways to stay connected during the coronavirus outbreak:

Check in with a Text

It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s a great way to remind your loved ones that you’re thinking of them. Whether you’re having a lengthy conversation or simply sending an adorable dog meme, texting is one of the most convenient ways to keep in touch.

Pick up the Phone

Call us old fashioned, but spoken conversation can provide a comfort and intimacy that text-based communication can lack. It’s nice to hear your loved one’s laughter as opposed to reading a “lol”.

Get Used to Video Calls

Video calls aren’t just for business meetings, you know. From Skype and Zoom to FaceTime and Facebook Video Chat, there are endless platforms facilitating video calls in this modern day.

Create Group Chats

Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, HipChat, Google Hangouts, and other messaging apps allow you to keep conversations organised by groups. You can create separate real-time group chats for your friends, family, colleagues and more.

Join Online Groups

As the number of people in self-isolation increases, so too does the number of online communities for Australians to come together and share their experiences. Beyond Blue has a dedicated forum for coping during the coronavirus outbreak, providing a safe space for people to share their concerns and stay connected.

Write a Letter

Who doesn’t love receiving mail? Whip out the pen and paper and surprise a loved one with a handwritten letter. Better yet, post it along with a roll of toilet paper. Not all heroes wear capes.

Compete from Afar with Apps

There’s nothing like a little friendly competition to pass the time in self-isolation. Here are some fun (and free!) games you can play with friends while apart:

  • Draw Something – Hone your inner artist with this drawing and guessing game where you pick a word to draw for your friends, and vice versa.
  • Words with Friends – Like scrabble, but on your electronic device.
  • QuizUp – Challenge existing friends or connect and compete with new people who share your interests. This trivia game allows you to choose from hundreds of niche topics (e.g. anime, Disney Movies, Greek Mythology, ‘80s rock), so it has something for the nerd in all of us.

“Many people withdraw when they’re stressed or worried,” says Kylie. “But social support is important, so reach out to family and friends via the safest mediums for now.”

 

Take Care of Your Body and Mind - Cartoon woman meditating outdoors

No, we’re not just talking about overzealous hand washing. On top of following good hygiene practices to reduce your risk of infection, it’s important to focus on the lifestyle factors that can impact your mental health, too.

“Don’t let stress around unknowns derail your healthy routines,” Kylie advises. “Make efforts to eat well, exercise and get enough sleep.”

She also recommends engaging in self-care, stating that many people find stress release in practices like yoga, meditation, and walking outside.

Many studies have shown that spending time in nature can relieve stress and anxiety. So if you’re cooped up in self-isolation, try to find a few moments to get outside in the fresh air.

“Treat self-isolation as an opportunity to do activities that help you relax,” says Kylie.

 

Take Breaks from the Media - Cartoon people with laptop and megaphone in media concept

Keeping up to date can help you feel more in control in these times of uncertainty. But with so much information readily available at our fingertips, it can be easy to fall down the rabbit hole of fake news that ultimately fuels our feelings of fear.

“When we’re stressed about something, it can be hard to look away,” Kylie explains. “But compulsively checking the news may contribute to further stress and keep the theme of unknowns alive.”

Avoiding overexposure to negative news is key to finding a healthy balance between staying informed and being overwhelmed.

And if you come across alarmist misinformation that drives panic, don’t add to the problem by sharing it with friends and family. A 2018 study found information regarding potential threats becomes increasingly negative and inaccurate when passed from person to person on social media, unnecessarily amplifying feelings of dread.  

 “Try to limit your check-ins and avoid the news during vulnerable times of day, such as right before bedtime,” Kylie advises.

 

Stay Informed with Accurate Information - Cartoon woman researching on laptop with lightbulb above head

Speculation and misinformation can be harmful to your mental and emotional wellbeing. If you’re being bombarded by sources that spread more fear than facts, we recommend staying updated with credible, reputable sources like these:

“Understanding COVID-19 may help to reduce anxiety,” Kylie says. “Learn more about COVID-19 and safely talk with others.”

 

Control What You Can - Cartoon man on laptop with books and clock in background

 “When uncertainty strikes, many people immediately imagine worst-case scenarios,” Kylie explains. “Remember to be gentle with yourself instead of ruminating on negative events.”

Try not to dwell on the things you can’t control and focus on the things you can – like your day-to-day activities.

“Recent times have highlighted that most people are creatures of habit,” Kylie says. “Establish routines to give your days and weeks some comforting structure.”

If social distancing is preventing you from enjoying your usual routine, get creative and find alternative ways to fill your days. If you used to start the day with a coffee from your favourite café, learn how to make a killer brew yourself. If you’d normally end the day with an exercise class at the local gym, find a workout to do at home instead (hello, lounge room aerobics).

Learn to love your new ‘normal’ – and remember it’s only temporary.

 

Be Smart, Be Safe, Be Kind - Cartoon family taking shelter under hands

The coronavirus may be overwhelming, but it’s important to be scared without being scary.

Research shows novel threats like Ebola or avian flu raise anxiety levels higher than more familiar threats do. This panic can be contagious and counterproductive, making it more difficult to manage tough times effectively.

Do your best to approach the situation with empathy and check in with friends, family, and neighbours to see how they’re doing.

With kindness and support, we can be the calm in the storm.

“With all the unknowns, many people feel overwhelmed and disconnected,” Kylie says. “Remember those around you are in this chaos with you.”

 

Protect Yourself Online - Cartoon woman using laptop

While the internet and social networks are a part of everyday life for many, we understand that this technology can put some people’s safety at risk.

If you live with or are currently experiencing family and domestic violence, ongoing safety requires vigilance in protecting yourself in your online presence.

Here are a few ways you can stay safe in a time where online connectedness is so strongly encouraged:

  • Place a passcode on your device/s
  • Update passwords on all accounts
  • Ensure your accounts are set to ‘private’
  • Be cautious when accepting new friend requests
  • Turn off GPS and/or location settings on your device/s.

For more digital safety information, refer to this helpful advice from the Women’s Legal Service QLD.

 

Get Support - Cartoon people putting puzzle pieces together in community concept

If you’re struggling to cope on your own, reach out for help.

Relationships Australia Queensland provides confidential counselling and support services to help you manage your stress and anxiety.

Be assured our staff and clients’ physical and emotional health is our top priority, and we’re taking all precautions in every venue to maintain a safe environment for everyone.

If you’d feel more comfortable receiving professional help from a distance, you can access our telephone counselling on 1300 364 277.

Finally, Kylie encourages us to remember how we’ve managed adversity before.

“Chances are you’ve overcome stressful events in the past,” she says. “Give yourself credit for how you coped with previous unknowns. Reflect on what you did during that event that was helpful, and what you might like to do differently this time.”

 

Infographic with tips to stay emotionally well during coronavirus

How to Survive Self-Isolation with Your Family

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Does self-isolation have your family climbing the walls?

Being holed up at home with your loved ones can put a strain on relationships, especially when concern about the recent health situation already has emotions running high.

Whether you’re herding toddlers or teenagers, or looking after your elderly parents, there are several strategies that can help keep your family hopeful and happy while under one roof.

We hope these tips help you maintain positive family relationships throughout these trying times.

 

Set Expectations Early On

No one’s sure how long this whole self-isolation thing will last, so it’s important everyone is on the same page with how it will work.

Sit the kids down to talk about how their days will look and what’s expected of them. For example, they may be required to help with chores, do their homework at a certain time, and avoid entering your workspace when the door is closed.

Ask your children for input in creating family rules – this way, they’ll be more likely to follow them.

 

Establish a Routine

Life as we know it has been turned upside-down. Having a daily routine can help children feel safer because they know what to expect. Maintain as much ‘normal’ as you can by establishing daily routines for things like sleeping, eating, work, chores, and activities.

Wake up at a reasonable time, eat breakfast as a family, get out of your pyjamas, and start your day. Whatever your daily routine looks like, the certainty and consistency of this structure can bring comfort to you and your kids during these uncertain times.

 

Create Designated Areas

Being in each other’s pockets at all times is bound to exacerbate any tension you might be feeling. Designate different areas of your house to different family members and/or uses (e.g. work, play, homework) to ensure you all have the space (and privacy) to complete tasks without interruption.

When you’re stuck in close proximity with each other, it’s important to find time to be by yourself. We recommend creating a space for ‘time out’, where family members can take a break to read a book, watch a TV show, or journal alone.

 

Limit Exposure to the Media

While it’s important to stay informed, overexposure to negative news and media coverage of the coronavirus can cause unnecessary anxiety and panic for you and your family.

Try to limit check-ins and avoid unreliable sources fuelling fear, and keep talk about the topic to a minimum around the house. If your kids have questions, answer them honestly, factually and age-appropriately – but try not to focus all your family conversations on the coronavirus.

 

Embrace Family Time

Being so accessible to each other every day can make it easy to forget to find quality family time and focus on emotional connections.

See self-isolation with your family as an opportunity to nurture your relationships and enjoy each other’s company with fun activities and games such as:

  • Movie nights
  • Board games
  • Puzzles
  • Reading together
  • Arts and crafts.

 

Get Outside Every Day

Being cooped up with your kids and family can quickly lead to cabin fever. Pencil in an outdoors adventure every day to enjoy the physical and mental health benefits of nature.

Whether you’re gardening, going for a walk, playing with the dog, or doing an at-home workout, take at least 30 minutes to ditch the four walls and take in the fresh air, open skies, and sunshine.

If you’re deemed to be in the ‘high-risk’ category or simply not comfortable venturing outdoors at the moment, try simply opening up your windows for some natural light and a welcome breeze instead.

 

Reach Out to Others

Craving contact with the outside world? Reach out to friends and relatives every day via text, phone call, or video chat to give and receive support.

Chances are your kids are missing their friends, too. If you have small children without devices, set up virtual playdates using FaceTime or Zoom so they can stay in contact and play with other kids.

 

Have Patience and Understanding

With the current disruption to normal routines and physical health threat, some behaviour issues are to be expected.

Remember that we’re all in this together, and family members cope in different ways. You’ll likely to see moments of each other where you’re not at your best, and that’s OK. Approach disagreements with patience and empathy, and try not to hold grudges.

 

Prioritise Your Mental Wellbeing

It’s understandable to be feeling anxious and distressed during the coronavirus outbreak – and being stuck at home with the family can make daily life even more overwhelming.

If you’re struggling to cope on your own, help is available.

Relationships Australia Queensland provides free and confidential telephone counselling for all family members.

You can call 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm to get professional help managing your stress and anxiety.

 

Check out our article How to Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing in the Coronavirus Outbreak for more practical tips.

 

Infographic - How to Survive Self-Isolation with Your Family

10 Ways to Make the Most of Self-Isolation

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We all have stuff we’ve been putting off. Stuff we’ll “get around to”. Stuff we’ve been waiting to do on a free weekend.

Well, thanks to these intermittent lockdowns, we’ve had to clear our schedules. And while it may be tempting to rewatch Friends on a never-ending loop (and we wouldn’t judge you for it), it’s probably better for our mental health if we weave some stimulating activities in here and there.

Things might be a little scary and uncertain right now, but we can still make the most of our time at home by ticking off our to-do lists and trying some new self-isolation activities.

 

1. Plan Your Next Holiday

OK, so we can’t take a vacation any time soon, but it’s important to have something to look forward to during tough times. Research shows that anticipating a positive event can help reduce negative emotions, increase positive emotions, and improve our ability to cope after a stressful event.

So what are you waiting for? Make a travel bucket list and start mentally packing your bags!

 

2. Start the List of 100 Must-Read Books

What do you mean you haven’t read Pride and Prejudice? Now’s your chance to immerse yourself in all the popular cult classic books, from Charlotte’s Web and Harry Potter to The Great Gatsby and Romeo and Juliet.

Many avid readers rely on Amazon’s famous list of 100 Books to Read in Your Lifetime as their literary guide. This list is featured on the website List Challenges, where you can keep track of how many books you’ve read compared to other readers, and rank them based on your personal opinions.

 

3. Plant a Veggie/Herb Garden

Planting a veggie or herb garden is a great way to get outdoors and enjoy some fresh air – particularly important if you’re holed up at home 24/7. And if you’re successful, it’ll save you some trips to the grocery store down the track.

Bunnings has some handy tips for all you green thumbs looking to start a veggie garden here.

 

4. Learn a New Skill

The internet is rife with free tutorials and how-to guides. Whether you’re looking to learn how to play the keyboard, speak Japanese, or knit a sweater, you’re sure to find instructions online.

Or you can up your professional skillset by enrolling in a short course on Skillshare or LinkedIn Learning. These online learning platforms offer courses taught by real-world professionals, with topics spanning everything from creative writing and content marketing to photography and calligraphy.

 

5. Start a Hobby Blog

A hobby blog is a great side project for anyone looking to share their knowledge, opinion, and ideas about a niche topic. You can connect with likeminded people all over the world, you can upload posts at your own pace, and you could potentially end up making money (or getting free stuff) from it.

Whether you’re passionate about cooking, sport, music, or your new veggie garden, we couldn’t think of a better time to start writing about what interests you.

 

6. Make a Vision Board

You don’t have to believe in the power of manifestation or the law of attraction to enjoy the benefits of making a vision board.

A vision board (or dream board) is an inspirational collage that visually represents your dreams and goals. They usually have images and words that allow you to picture your ideal future. This could be a photo of your dream house, magazine cut outs of your ideal holiday destination, and an inspirational quote or affirmation.

Even if you think vision boards are bogus, creating yours could still be a fun way to spend a couple of hours.

 

7. Become Pen Pals with Your Friends/Family

Yes, letters are still a thing. And you can make receiving mail even more exciting for a loved one by adding a thoughtful surprise.

For example, you might like to include a photo with a fun memory, or a ticket from a concert or movie you saw together.

 

8. Try New Recipes

Working from home sure has its perks, and being closer to the kitchen is one of them. Use the time you used to spend commuting to find tempting new recipes to try.

If you’re running low on ingredients and are avoiding grocery shopping as much as possible, check out Taste’s new website section The Keep Calm Kitchen. Intended to help you stay prepared during the coronavirus outbreak, it’s chock-full of smart meal-planning ideas, clever ingredient swaps, and easy recipes.

 

9. Clean and Organise Your Cupboards

We all have that one dreaded junk drawer filled with old unopened mail and almost-empty rolls of sticky tape. Or that cupboard under the sink spilling Tupperware containers with missing lids. Now’s your chance to give those clutter-prone areas some TLC and go full Marie Kondo on your house.

Bin the out-of-date food in your pantry. Donate the clothes you no longer wear. Alphabetise your DVD collection. Whatever you need to do to make your space a little more organised, this is the time to roll up your sleeves and get it done.

 

10. Make a Photobook

Chances are you have a phone filled with photos you’d rather not forget. Spend a weekend sorting through your photos and creating photobooks on a website like Snapfish or Photobox.

This is a great way to take your time to reminisce on special moments and notable events like birthdays, anniversaries, and beyond. Photobooks also make a personal Christmas gift that’s sure to score you brownie points with the rellies.

 

Bonus Tip: Relax

Sure, self-isolation has us cancelling our social calendars and missing our favourite weekend spots. But it’s also forced us to slow down, take a breath, and relax.

While many of us are suddenly baking banana bread and hitting the home-workouts hard, it’s important to look after yourself with some downtime, too. These are stressful times, and we’ve all earned some R&R.

 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might find our tips to protect your emotional wellbeing during the coronavirus outbreak helpful. Or you can call our telephone counsellors on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday and 10am-4pm Saturday.

Couples in Quarantine: Communication Advice from a Relationship and Family Counsellor

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The coronavirus outbreak has raised some unique challenges for couples self-isolating together.

Being confined within four walls is a recipe for cabin fever. Add to that the stress and uncertainty of the public health crisis, and even the strongest relationships are bound to be tested.

With emotions already running high, it’s going to take some extra effort to maintain healthy and happy relationships during these tough times.

Relationship and Family Counsellor Val Holden shares some advice to help you improve communication and navigate conflict while in close quarters with your loved one.

 

Tips for Effective Communication

It’s more important than ever to nurture our emotional connections and draw strength from one another. But in such trying times, disagreements are likely to pop up here and there.

“Healthy relationships have to have healthy communication,” says Val. “That doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything – but it does mean we have to communicate with respect and understanding.”

So what does healthy communication look like? And how can we share our feelings and settle disputes effectively?

 

Find the Right Time to Raise Issues

We’ve all said things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Trying to talk things through while you’re upset or angry can cause more harm than good, leading to raised voices and insults instead of solutions.

“Remember to communicate when you’re not heightened or angry,” Val advises. “That way, you’ll be able to hear what the other is saying – not what you are interpreting.”

It’s hard to be open-minded and patient with a partner when we’re angry. So while it may be tempting to discuss an issue as it’s unfolding, it’s better to wait until negative emotions have passed and you can talk calmly and kindly.

 

Check in with Yourself

Similarly, it’s important to take stock of your emotions during those trickier conversations to make sure you’re in the right headspace to have a positive, respectful discussion.

“If you feel yourself being triggered, getting frustrated or snappy, understand what is going on for you and your partner,” says Val. “Slow down, breathe, and take time to be alone.”

When we get worked up, we’re more likely to become defensive, closed off, and want to point the finger at others. If you feel your emotions starting to escalate, take a 5-minute break and walk away.

 

Give Your Partner Your Full Attention

Mute the TV. Put your phone down. Maintain eye contact.

The best way to show your partner you care about what they’re saying is to give them your undivided attention. Really listen to what they’re saying and try to understand their point of view – don’t interrupt or get lost in thoughts of what you want to say next.

It can also help to communicate your partner’s perspective back to them to confirm you’ve interpreted what they’re saying correctly. This shows you’ve been listening and ensures you’re on the same page.

 

Stay in the Present Moment

Opening old wounds won’t get you anywhere, so fight the urge to bring up past issues. Stay on topic and address the present issues, and if you have unresolved feelings around past problems, find another time to bring them up.

The same goes for nit-picking.

“When you are constantly in someone’s space, little things you usually ignore or don’t even see become very obvious and annoying,” Val explains.

Try not to stockpile complaints to use against your partner, and just focus on the issue at hand.

 

Stick to the Facts

While it’s healthy to bring emotion into a discussion, it’s important not to let your negative feelings around an issue blow it out of proportion.

Make sure your complaints have the facts and details to back them up, and avoid using exaggerated language like ‘always’ and ‘never’.

For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me”, try saying “I’ve noticed you’ve been on your phone a lot lately while I’ve been talking to you at the dinner table”. Be specific and stick to the facts.

 

Use “I” Statements

Try not to point the finger, but instead, own your feelings with “I” statements. This is a great way to express your feelings and opinions without placing blame and negative characteristics on your partner.

For example, instead of “you always cancel our plans – you’re so unreliable”, try saying “I feel disappointed and unloved when you cancel our plans to spend time together”.

This approach brings the problematic behaviour to your partner’s attention in a less accusatory way, so they may be more open to taking responsibility and working things out.

 

Tips to Alleviate Tension

“This is all new territory for us. We are in unprecedented times,” says Val.

“Anxiety and fear would be heightened by all that is going on in our world today. These feelings will be compounded by frustration and anger when we are cooped up in our homes 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with our partner.”

If your relationship starts to feel strained in self-isolation, there are a few ways you can adjust your environment and behaviour to relieve the tension.

 

Set up Individual Work Spaces

If you’re working from home, Val recommends setting up individual work spaces in separate rooms. This will allow you to focus on your work without being distracted by each other.

Having dedicated areas just for work will also help you maintain a work-life balance and allow you to enjoy quality time together in your shared recreational spaces come knock-off time.

 

Pick Up a Hobby

Keeping busy with a new hobby or project can benefit your overall mental health and mood – something that can have a significant impact on your relationship.

“What a great time to look at taking up a hobby that you have always wanted to do,” she says.

“Get that jigsaw out of the bottom of the cupboard, or read that book you have been going to read for ages but haven’t had the time.”

 

Make Time to Be Alone

Even the happiest couples need a break from each other every so often. It’s important to get some alone time where you can. You might like to:

  • Create a ‘time out’ zone in your home where only one person can be at a time
  • Enjoy your hobbies in a separate room
  • Listen to music or a podcast in the backyard
  • Take a walk or do an outdoor workout by yourself.

You should also respect when your partner wants to be alone, and not take it personally.

“Respect each other’s privacy and space, and understand we are all adjusting. Time out is a good thing,” Val explains.

 

Reach Out to Others

“We only have our immediate family, and day after day, that may wear thin,” says Val.

Reach out to friends and other relatives for support. While you may not be able to catch up for coffee, you can still stay connected with your support network by:

  • Texts
  • Phone calls
  • Video calls
  • Emails
  • Letters.

Hearing from people outside your self-isolation bubble can help lift your spirits and remind you that we’re all in this together. It also allows you to discuss your relationship concerns and have a healthy vent with someone you trust.

 

Get Professional Support

“If arguing becomes an everyday occurrence, stop and look at what is happening in yourself and in your relationship,” says Val.

“Do you need a counsellor to help you work out your differences and help you to understand each other in a better way?”

If you think you and/or your relationship could benefit from talking to someone, you can access our telephone counselling on 1300 364 277. It’s available Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 10am-4pm.

 

It can be easy to forget to prioritise quality time together when you’re spending every day under the same roof. Keep the romance alive with these 10 date night ideas for couples in self-isolation.

10 Date Night Ideas for Couples in Self-Isolation

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Has social distancing put a dampener on your love life?

As bars and restaurants close and self-isolation becomes the norm, our ‘dinner and a movie’ date nights will have to be put on hold (for now).

But that shouldn’t stop you from having a good time with your special someone. In fact, it’s more important than ever to take a break from the stress of the current health situation and nurture our emotional connections.

Keep the romance alive without leaving the house with these fun date ideas.

 

1. Cook a Meal Together

Whipping up dinner during the week can be more rushed than romantic. Take some time on the weekend to find a new recipe that involves some hands-on preparation – like homemade pizza or sushi – and enjoy reconnecting in the kitchen.

If you want to add an element of excitement, hone your inner MasterChef and challenge your partner to see who can make the better dish.

 

2. Have a Backyard Picnic

Get outside those four walls and take in the fresh air with a backyard picnic – all you need is a picnic blanket and your favourite meal. Better yet, get it delivered. You may not be able to dine in at your favourite restaurants at the moment, but many are still offering delivery and takeaway.

Hang some fairy lights, light some candles and play some ambient music to add to the romantic experience.

 

3. Revisit Your Favourite Board Games

If you’re guilty of relying on TV and the internet for all your entertainment, mix things up with a little friendly competition. Monopoly, Scrabble, Snakes and Ladders, Chess – whatever your pick, board games are a great go-to for indoor fun.

Revisit your old childhood favourites or order new games online to add to your rotation.

 

4. Do a Workout

Missing the gym? You can still work up a sweat at home! Whether you follow online workouts or come up with your own, exercising with your partner can give you the motivation you need to reach your fitness goals.

It’s also been known to increase emotional bonds and overall happiness in relationships – so get moving!

 

5. Play Two-Player Console Games

If you have an Xbox, PlayStation or other gaming console, grab yourself a second controller and a multiplayer game and you’ve got yourself one playful date.

Console games are a great escape from daily life, giving you the chance to immerse yourself in foreign worlds of colourful characters, realistic racetracks, gripping gunfights and more.

With so many multiplayer games available, you’re sure to find something you both enjoy.

 

6. Have a Movie Marathon

An oldie but a goodie, this classic at-home date night idea is perfect for a low-key, cosy night in.

Re-watch your favourite film series, take turns picking what to watch next, or choose movies based on a particular genre (did someone say ‘rom-com night’?). Don’t forget the popcorn!

 

7. Get Arty

What could be more romantic than painting your partner’s portrait? Making art with your loved one is a fun way to foster your creativity and take your mind off things.

Plus, just 45 minutes of creative activity can reduce your stress. So whether you’re painting fruit, a sunset, or each other, an arty date is a great way to relax and unwind.

 

8. Learn Something New

Exploring new hobbies and interests together is a great way to break up your self-isolation routine.

You could learn a foreign language, pick up an instrument, plant a vegetable garden, or give photography a go. Enjoying something different during your downtime allows you to gain new skills and learn more about each other – win-win!

 

9. Do a Questionnaire

Let’s face it – after a few days in quarantine, the conversation can get a little stale. Questionnaires are a fun way to spark unexpected conversations and discover things about each other you otherwise may not have unveiled.

Pinterest is a great source for questionnaires and quizzes for every age. Or you can get creative and come up with your own trivia game to test how well you know each other.

 

10. Have a Silent Disco

You may not be able to hit the town at the moment, but that shouldn’t stop you from having a boogie (without waking the neighbours)!

Sit down and make a playlist of all your favourite songs, and then grab your headphones, get your dancing shoes on, and turn up the volume.

 

Check out our article How to Survive Self-Isolation with Your Family for more practical tips, or contact us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm for support.

 

Infographic - date night ideas

10 Ways to Stay Connected During the Coronavirus

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Missing your mates?

With lockdowns put in place without much warning, we can’t catch up with friends and family as we normally would.

But social distancing doesn’t have to keep you cut off from your loved ones. There are plenty of fun ways to stay in touch and maintain those important connections until you can catch up in person again.

 

1. Send a Voice Message

You know that nice text message you send to let your mum know you’re thinking of her, or to tell your friends to have a great Friday? It’d be way more exciting in a voice message. Sending a greeting or an update in a quick voice message in place of a text is a great way to brighten someone’s day.

 

2. Update Them with Short Videos

There’s a reason video-messaging apps like Snapchat and TikTok have been so popular. We’re visual creatures, and we love videos that make us laugh, cry, and everything in between. Start capturing life’s precious (or simply funny) moments on your phone to share with friends and family. Some video ideas might include what you’re cooking for dinner or an update on your pet.

 

3. Get Their Favourite Meal Delivered

They say the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach! The only thing better than getting a delivery is getting a delivery of your favourite takeaway dish. This is an easy way to score serious brownie points with your loved ones (and make sure they’re not living off toast in self-isolation). Some food delivery apps include Uber Eats, Menulog, and Deliveroo.

 

4. Watch Netflix Together

While you may not be able to cuddle up on the same couch and share a bowl of popcorn, you can still enjoy long-distance movie nights. Netflix Party synchronises video playback and adds group chat, so you can react and respond in real time while watching your favourite shows and movies.

 

5. Send a Care Package

Know someone who could do with some cheering up? Send them a care package of their favourite things. It doesn’t have to be extravagant – from tasty snacks and crossword puzzles to toilet paper, just a few thoughtful items are sure to impress. And if you’re not sure what to send, you can’t go wrong with flowers.

 

6. Write a Letter

Now’s the perfect time to pick up a pen and practise your cursive. There’s something special about receiving written letters in this day of easy electronic communication. Writing letters can also be pretty relaxing, so it’s a win-win for you and them. Bonus points for illustrations.

 

7. Play Online Games Together

Up for a little friendly competition? These are some of our favourite fun, free games to play with your loved ones while apart:

  • Draw Something – A drawing and guessing game where you pick something to draw for your friends, and vice versa.
  • Words with Friends – Like scrabble, but on your electronic device.
  • QuizUp – Choose from hundreds of niche topics (e.g. Game of Thrones, boxing, ‘00s pop), so it has something for every interest.

 

8. Send an Ecard

Why send an email when you can send an ecard with a beautiful design? Blue Mountain has free ecards for every occasion, from anniversaries and birthdays to ‘just because’.

 

9. Create Chat Groups

Messaging apps like Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and Google Hangouts allow you to organise conversations by groups. So you can have separate real-time group chats for your friends, family, colleagues and more.

 

10. Pick up the Phone

Nothing beats hearing your loved one’s voice and laughter over the phone, so try to check in with your friends and family with a phone call now and then. You could even schedule in a day and time to talk each week.

If you need someone to talk to, you can access our over-the-phone counselling on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday 8am-8pm and Saturday 10am-4pm.

Bored in self-isolation? Make the most of your time at home with these 10 activities.

How to Talk to Your Parents About Their Will

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They say there are two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. Ironically enough, death and money are two of the most taboo topics in many cultures. This may be why some people are reluctant to ask their ageing parents about their will and estate plans.

Maybe you’re worried you’ll seem greedy or nosy, or perhaps you simply don’t want to think about your parents passing.

But as uncomfortable as it might be, it’s an important conversation to have to ensure their final wishes are respected – and no one is left confused and scrambling when the time comes.

We hope these tips help make it a little easier to talk to your parents about their will.

 

Find an appropriate time

Give some thought to when and where you’d like to broach this sensitive subject. For example, somewhere private and relaxed could be appropriate. Your parents might feel most comfortable in their own home.

Try to ease into the topic by sharing an anecdote about someone you know, or your own experiences with estate planning. If you don’t like the idea of springing it on them, you might prefer to give them some notice by scheduling a meeting to discuss the topic together.

 

Don’t wait until there’s a crisis

Don’t save the conversation for when someone experiences a sudden health scare or seems to be in their final years. It can be delicate enough without adding urgency to the mix.

Plan ahead and have the discussion with plenty of time for both you and your parents to prepare. Raise the topic while your parents are healthy and of sound mind to ensure you’re on the same page, and to provide them with peace of mind that their wishes are known.

 

Don’t lecture them

The last thing you want is for your parents to feel like they’re being interrogated or spoken down to.

Let them lead the conversation, listen without judgement, and focus on their wants and concerns. Get an idea of what they’ve done and what still needs taking care of, and offer to help if needed.

 

Don’t make it all about money

This conversation shouldn’t be focused solely on finances and assets. Make it clear you’re not interested in dollar amounts – you simply care about their wishes and want an idea of how they’ve planned for after they’ve passed.

Some important things to cover might include:

  • Where they keep important documents
  • Who they’ve named executor of their will
  • Who they’ve named power of attorney
  • Their preferences for potential long-term care
  • Their wishes for their funeral.

 

Seek legal help

While you can write a will yourself, it’s recommended that you consult a lawyer to ensure your will conforms to legal requirements. It’s the best way to guarantee your parents don’t miss anything and their final wishes will be respected.

RAQ offers support to older people in Queensland to plan for the future and make important decisions. Learn about our range of free services aimed at providing education, advice, and referrals here.

What to do When You’re Jealous of Your Friend

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Does your friend’s good news fill you with envy instead of happiness?

Jealousy is a normal emotion that can help us learn more about what’s important to us and what we want in life.

We sometimes feel jealous when someone has something we don’t – whether it’s money, material objects, a relationship, or career success. But jealousy can be harmful if left unchecked, impacting our self-esteem, happiness, and relationships.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with feelings of envy in your friendships.

 

Confront the feelings

Take notice the next time you feel envy, and ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you. What’s making you jealous? Try to get to the root of the issue.

You might notice your envy is triggered by a particular person or topic. Maybe it’s a specific sibling or close friend you get jealous of, or perhaps you turn green when someone achieves a specific goal that you desire or feel insecure about.

Confront your jealousy and look within to learn what it says about your values and your self-worth. Have some self-compassion and remember that envy is a normal emotion; it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Remember it’s you, not them

It can be easy to let jealousy take over and take our resentment and frustration out on the person we’re jealous of. But it’s important to remember that this is your issue, and your friend isn’t hurting you on purpose.

We’re all on our own path in life, and you may not make progress, achieve success or tick off milestones at the same pace as your friend.

If envy is impacting the way you treat your friend, it might help to be honest with them and address it instead of letting it fester.

 

Turn envy into motivation

As uncomfortable as envy can be, it can also be a powerful force for change.

When you pay attention to what makes you jealous, it can point you toward the steps we need to take to achieve our goals.

If you feel jealous of your friend’s new job, it might be a sign you should make a career change. If you envy your friend’s relationship, it might mean you should take action to improve yours or put yourself out there to meet new people.

Turn your envy into motivation to achieve the things you want and live the life you dream of.

 

Want to increase your support network? Talking to a counsellor can help you find ways to cope with feelings of envy and insecurity. You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment face to face, over the phone or via Zoom video call.

Are you putting your happiness on hold until you achieve a goal? If you suffer from “I’ll be happy when” syndrome, you might like our blog post How to Stop Waiting to be Happy.

How to Date Multiple People

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Dating multiple people at once is a normal part of being single and a great way to increase your pool of potential partners.

Thanks to dating websites and apps, it’s never been easier to meet new people in your area that you might never have crossed paths with by chance. But as fun as it can be, playing the field requires some etiquette to ensure no one gets hurt.

Here are our top tips for dating more than one person at a time.

 

Be open and honest

There’s no limit to how many people you can date as long as everyone involved is OK with it. It’s important to be honest about your situation and your intentions from the get-go to avoid any confusion or disappointment.

If your end goal is to find an exclusive relationship, let them know it’s a possibility down the track. If you’re simply having fun and not looking for anything serious, be upfront about it. Chances are your dates will be understanding – especially in the early stages where you’re just getting to know each other.

 

Accept that your dates might be doing the same

It’s common for singles to keep their options open, so don’t be surprised if your dates are also dating multiple people. Communication is key to ensure you’re on the same page about what you expect and what you’re looking for.

Remember: You can’t expect exclusivity from someone if you’re seeing other people yourself. If you have a problem with it, you might like to ask yourself why you feel that way and whether that points to a deeper issue.

 

Don’t kiss and tell

No one likes hearing the details about their date’s other love interests. When you’re on a date, be completely present with that person and make them feel like they’re the only one on your mind.

While it’s important for your dates to know you’re seeing other people, you shouldn’t spill any further details – especially their identity.

 

Don’t overbook yourself

As fun as it is, dating can be tiring – especially if you’re seeing several people at once! You feel pressured to present the best version of yourself, and you’re working hard to remember their interests and keep the conversation flowing. This can be mentally and physically draining.

It’s important to keep your wellbeing in mind and balance your dates to ensure you have some downtime in between. And whatever you do, don’t double-book!

Wondering when it’s time to call it quits? Discover advice in our blog post Should We Break Up?.