Month: April 2021

The signs of an abusive relationship aren’t always obvious.

Some people might live in an unhealthy or abusive relationship and not realise they’re experiencing domestic abuse. This is because some types of domestic abuse – such as emotional and psychological abuse – can be more subtle than others.

Knowing the signs of an abusive relationship can help you know when to seek support for yourself and keep an eye out for the people around you.

In this blog post, we’ll look at:

• Signs your relationship is unhealthy or abusive
• Signs your relationship might become physically abusive
• Signs someone you know might be in an abusive relationship
• Where to get help if you or someone you know is living with abuse.

 

Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship

Some signs of an abusive relationship are harder to spot than others. It’s important to remember that not all domestic and family abuse is physical, and all forms of abuse can be just as dangerous and damaging to a victim.

If you recognise any of these signs, you might be in an abusive relationship.

• Your partner makes you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family
• Your partner always wants to know where you are and who you’re with
• Your partner comments on what you should and shouldn’t wear
• Your partner reads your texts or emails without your permission
• Your partner puts you down or criticises you
• Your partner yells or swears at you
• Your partner constantly accuses you of cheating
• Your partner ignores your needs
• You don’t feel safe raising issues with your partner
• You feel like you have to tiptoe or ‘walk on eggshells’ around your partner
• You feel like you have to ignore your own needs to keep your partner happy or calm
• Your partner blames you for all the problems in the relationship
• Your partner makes fun of you in public or private, even “as a joke”
• Your partner threatens harm to you, your children or your pets
• Your partner discourages you from having relationships and hobbies outside the home
• You feel scared of what your partner will do if you leave them
• You feel like you can’t be yourself around your partner
• You don’t feel safe around your partner.

 

Warning Signs of a Physically Abusive Relationship

These are some early signs of a physically abusive relationship. If you recognise these signs in your relationship, it might indicate that your partner may become physically violent in the future.

It’s important to remember that these are abusive behaviours and are all forms of domestic and family abuse. Even if your partner doesn’t use physical violence, these behaviours are still not acceptable.

• They’re excessively jealous and/or possessive
• They want to know where you are at all times
• They constantly check in on you via text or call when you’re apart
• They control who you can and can’t contact or see
• They control how you dress and/or groom yourself
• They withhold money and/or dictate how you can spend money
• They blame you for all the problems in the relationship
• They believe in rigid gender roles (e.g. man who expects woman to cook and clean)
• They yell and/or use disrespectful language (e.g. swearing, insults)
• They put you down and belittle you
• They constantly criticise how you do things
• They make fun of you around others “as a joke”
• They pressure you into sex or sexual acts
• They throw things or punch walls when angry
• They threaten to hurt you, your children or your pets
• They make you feel unsafe.

 

Signs Someone Might be in an Abusive Relationship

Are you worried someone you know might be in a violent or abusive relationship? These are some common signs that might indicate someone is experiencing domestic and family violence or abuse.

• They’ve started to abruptly cancel plans
• They’re less social than they used to be
• They’re less active on social media than they used to be
• They’re less responsive to texts/calls than they used to be
• They’re noticeably less confident and happy
• They never have money to go out for coffee/a meal/drinks
• They seem distracted or preoccupied
• They avoid talking about their partner and/or relationship
• They often look tired or like they’ve just been crying
• Their partner is constantly checking in on them via text or calls when they’re apart
• They’ve started dressing and/or grooming themselves differently
• They seem nervous or act different around their partner
• Their behaviour and/or body language changes around their partner
• Their partner puts them down in front of you, even “as a joke”
• They have unexplained bruises, cuts, or injuries
• They wear long clothes in warm weather (potentially hiding bruises/cuts/injuries).

We offer some advice if you think your friend is in an abusive relationship in this blog post.

 

Get Support

If you or someone you know is living with any type of domestic and family violence or abuse, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

 

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Not all domestic abuse is physical, and some types of abuse can be hard to recognise. In fact, some people can live in an abusive relationship for years and not realise they’re experiencing abuse.

Coercive control is a type of domestic abuse that can be harder to identify than some other types of abuse. It refers to a pattern of behaviours used by an abuser to control their partner and create an uneven power dynamic.

Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.

You may have heard this term in the news and media a lot recently. This is because there has been a push to make coercive control illegal under reforms to domestic violence laws across Australia. The Queensland Government is set to criminalise coercive control in the state by 2025.

In this blog post, we’ll explore some examples of coercive control and how you can get help if you live with domestic and family abuse of any kind.

 

Examples of Coercive Control

These are just some common ways coercive control might be used in an intimate relationship.

Isolating from friends and family

A controlling person or abuser may try to get their partner to reduce or cut contact with their support network. Keeping them away from family and friends can make the victim easier to control.

The abuser might try to prevent them from going to social events or being alone with their support network in case they talk about issues in the relationship while the abuser isn’t around. The abuser may also prevent them from going to work or school.

Monitoring activity

This might involve wanting to know where the victim is and who they’re with at all times, or calling and texting excessively when apart. It also includes reading emails, texts, and social media messages without the victim’s permission.

Extreme cases might involve placing cameras or recording devices in the victim’s home or car, or tracking them with GPS and spy software. This is also considered stalking and harassment.

Restricting autonomy

The abuser’s main goal is to take the victim’s freedom and independence away from them. They might do this by removing or restricting the victim’s access to a vehicle or public transport, hiding their devices, or changing passwords on their devices and online accounts.

Controlling the body

It’s common for a controlling partner to not only want to control how their victim behaves, but also how they look. They might dictate what the victim can and can’t wear, what they eat and drink, how they groom and present themselves, and how often they exercise.

They might even comment on how much or little the victim sleeps or whether they should seek medical care or not.

Degradation

The abuser will aim to damage the victim’s self-esteem in order to gain control over them and prevent them from leaving the relationship.

Abusers might call their victim names, insult them, constantly criticise how they do things, bully and belittle them. They might also put them down in front of others but pass it off as “only joking”. Over time, even small jabs will eat away at the victim’s self-worth.

Financial control

Coercive control can involve financial abuse, where the abuser withholds or limits access to money. They might provide the victim with an ‘allowance’ and/or control how money can be spent.

Limiting the victim’s access to money can make it even harder for them to leave the relationship as they may feel financially dependent on the abuser. This is especially common when children are involved.

Jealousy and possessiveness

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in an abusive relationship, the abuser might constantly accuse the victim of cheating to control them. This can make the victim feel guilty about spending time away from them, or simply make them avoid going to social events because they don’t want to deal with the accusations.

Controlling partners often act jealous and possessive to reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world.

Threats and intimidation

This might involve threats to the victim’s own safety or that of their children, pets, property, friends or family.

The abuser will use threats or intimidation to scare the victim into doing what the abuser wants.

We further discuss power and control in relationships in our blog post The Problem with Power in Relationships.

 

How to Get Support

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

 

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Sexual abuse is most commonly committed by someone a survivor knows, including an intimate partner.

There are many terms to describe sexual abuse in a relationship, including intimate partner sexual violence, domestic violence, marital rape, and spousal rape. It can happen to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

No matter the situation, it is never acceptable to engage in sexual activity without consent.

 

Examples of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

Some examples of sexual abuse and harassment include:

• Rape
• Forcing someone to engage in sexual activity without consent (e.g. unwanted kissing, rubbing, or groping)
• Coercing someone into sexual behaviour, such as threatening to withhold money or physically harm them if they don’t engage in sexual activity
• Forcing someone to watch pornography
• Using aggressive behaviour without consent during sexual activities
• Taking and distributing sexual photos or videos without consent
• Forcing someone to have unsafe sex
• Using sex-related insults (e.g. “slut”)
• Making unwanted sexual comments, suggestions, advances, or threats to another person.

Sexual assault in relationships is rarely an isolated incident, and it generally occurs alongside other types of abuse, such as physical and emotional abuse.

 

Sexual Abuse Indicators

Are you worried someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse in their relationship? These are some common signs that may indicate someone is living with sexual abuse or other domestic and family violence:

• They’re noticeably less confident
• They’re less social than they used to be
• They seem tired or look like they’ve been crying
• Their social media presence changes
• They avoid talking about their relationship
• Their partner is constantly contacting them while they’re with you
• How they dress has changed significantly
• They seem nervous or different around their partner.

We provide some advice to support a friend in an abusive relationship in this blog post.

 

Effects of Intimate Partner Sexual Violence

Research shows women who have been sexually assaulted by their partners experience several risks that are different and more serious than women who experience physical violence alone. These include:

• A greater risk of being killed by their partner
• Stress-related symptoms
• Increased likelihood of gynaecological problems
• Detrimental impacts to their emotional and mental health.

 

How to Get Support

If you or someone you know is living with sexual abuse or any type of domestic violence, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

 

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

If you’re experiencing domestic and family violence or abuse, you might like to prepare a domestic violence safety plan to increase your safety and look after yourself.

Including an escape plan in your domestic violence safety plan can help you act quickly in case you need to leave the environment in a hurry.

We offer some advice for making a domestic violence safety plan, and a checklist of what you might include in an emergency escape bag.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Creating a Domestic Violence Safety Plan

Everyone’s situation and needs are different, and your domestic violence safety plan should be updated if you move house or leave your relationship. But we hope this is a helpful guide when considering your domestic violence safety plan.

Tell someone you trust

It can be scary opening up to someone about what’s happening at home. But it’s important that someone knows about your situation so you have emotional and practical support and a potential witness.

If possible, you might even like to tell your neighbour/s. You don’t have to share all the details if you’re not comfortable. Simply tell them there’s been some trouble at home, and ask them to call the police on 000 if they hear violence or abuse.

Gather evidence

You might like to keep a record of the abuse in a diary. Include photos of injuries if possible. Having evidence of the abuse can help if you decide to press charges in the future.

Know the abuser’s triggers

It’s important to remember that there is never an excuse for any type of abuse. You’re not responsible for your abuser’s actions, and they alone are making the decision to use violence and abuse. With that being said, it can help to be aware of their triggers and what ‘sets them off’.

For example, if they tend to be more aggressive after a few drinks, try to avoid them and keep the kids in their room/s during this time.

Create an escape plan

It’s helpful to have a plan for what you’ll do, how you’ll do it, where you’ll go, who’s involved, and what you need to leave the environment – just in case. Think of it like a fire safety plan. It can even help to practise in your head how you’ll play out your escape plan should you need to.

Include an exit strategy such as walking the bins out to the street and continuing away from the home to your place of exit (e.g. friend’s house or the police station).

It can help to create your escape plan with a trusted loved one so they know what they need to do to help should the time come.

It’s important to remember that the period following leaving an abusive partner can be a dangerous time for a survivor of abuse. We offer advice to stay safe after leaving an abusive relationship in this blog post.

 

Escape Bag Checklist

These are some items you may like to have ready to take with you if you’re planning to leave an unsafe relationship or environment.

If you don’t feel safe keeping your emergency escape bag in your home, ask a neighbour or loved one to hold onto it for you.

• Cash
• Spare keys
• Phone charger
• Basic clothing for you and your children
• Essential toiletries (e.g. toothpaste, toothbrush, sanitary items)
• Medications and prescriptions
• Passport and licence (or copies)
• Contact numbers (e.g. friends, family, support services, legal services, taxi service)
• Copies of important documents (e.g. birth certificates, healthcare cards, mortgage documents).

If you need support making a safety plan or escape bag checklist, contact Relationships Australia QLD on 1300 364 277.

 

Support for Domestic Violence

If you or someone you know is living with domestic and family violence, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

 

Other support services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Domestic and family abuse is often described as something that happens in a pattern or cycle.

The domestic violence cycle of abuse proposed by psychologist Lenore Walker in the 1970s is still commonly referred to by professionals today.

This cycle involves four stages:

1. Tensions building
2. Incident of abuse
3. Reconciliation
4. Calm.

This domestic violence cycle helps to illustrate common patterns of abusive behaviour in relationships.

We understand that everyone’s experience with domestic and family abuse is different, but this blog post will explore this particular domestic violence cycle and its four stages.

 

1. Building Tension

Things are starting to feel tense, and the victim is walking on eggshells in anticipation of an outburst.

The abuser is moody and withdraws affection. They become angry and swear, yell, insult and criticise the victim.

The victim tries to keep the abuser calm and prevent abuse by being agreeable and nurturing, and they may make efforts to keep children quiet and out of the way (if applicable).

 

2. An Incident of Abuse

An outburst of abuse erupts as the abuser releases this built-up tension on others in an attempt to gain control. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse.

Abuse might involve:

• Physical or sexual violence
• Insults or name-calling
• Withholding money
• Property destruction
• Emotional manipulation
• Threats of harm to victim, kids or pets
• Controlling the victim’s behaviour (e.g. not allowing them to see friends).

We explore the different types of domestic violence in this blog post.

 

3. Reconciliation

This is where the abuser apologises and begs forgiveness. They often make promises that they’ll change and the behaviour will never happen again.

This is also known as the ‘honeymoon’ stage or ‘love bombing’, as the abuser will generally shower the victim with gifts and affection.

 

4. Calm

The event is ‘forgotten’ and the abuser and victim find some kind of justification for the abuse in order to keep the peace.

The abuser may give excuses for the abuse or place the blame on the victim, or deny the abuse was as bad as the victim claims. The victim might start questioning whether it was in fact as bad as they thought and start to doubt their recollection of events.

The victim may think whatever triggered the abuse has passed and it would never happen again.

If you or someone you know is living with domestic and family violence, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

Discover some of the common signs and triggers of domestic and family violence in our blog post Where Does Domestic Violence Start?.

 

 

Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Domestic and family violence comes in many forms. While every domestically violent relationship is based on power and control by the abuser, how this power and control is exerted can vary.

Many people picture physical hitting and visible bruises when they think of domestic violence. But it’s important to remember that not all domestic and family abuse is physical or easily identifiable, and all types of abuse are seriously dangerous and damaging to the survivor.

Some of the most common types of domestic violence include:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional and psychological abuse
• Financial abuse
• Technological abuse
• Harassment or stalking.

Here are some examples of how these different types of domestic violence might look in an abusive relationship.

 

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse in a relationship often starts gradually, such as with pushing or grabbing, and then becomes progressively worse over time.

• Hitting, punching, pushing, grabbing, kicking, shaking, biting, choking, or spitting on someone
• Using weapons or objects to inflict pain (e.g. knives, belts, hot water, household objects)
• Force-feeding
• Withholding food, medicine, hand sanitiser and other necessary items

 

Sexual Abuse

It’s important to remember that sexual abuse doesn’t only include rape and touching; there are other nonphysical behaviours that are considered sexual abuse or harassment.

• Touching or kissing someone without their consent
• Forcing or pressuring someone to perform sexual acts or have sexual acts performed on them
• Sexual assault using objects
• Forcing someone to watch pornography
• Filming someone involved in sexual acts without their consent
• Criticising someone sexually
• Using sex-related insults (e.g. “slut”)
• Making unwanted sexual comments, suggestions, advances, or threats to another person
• Forcing someone to undress or forcefully undressing them

 

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can be harder to spot than some other forms of abuse, but just as damaging to the victim.

• Controlling what someone can do or say (e.g. how they dress)
• Controlling who someone can and can’t speak to or see
• Insulting or belittling someone
• Using disrespectful language (e.g. swearing)
• Being overly jealous and possessive
• Constantly accusing someone of cheating
• Yelling at someone
• Treating someone like a servant
• Comparing someone to others to damage their self-esteem
• Blaming someone for all the problems in a relationship
• Leaving nasty messages (e.g. texts, voicemail, Facebook)
• Constantly criticising and correcting someone
• Not allowing someone to voice their opinion
• Not listening to someone’s needs
• Threatening to harm someone, their children, property, or pet

Coercive control sits under this category, where manipulation and intimidation are used to create fear and dependency in a person.

 

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse often happens alongside other types of domestic violence, such as physical or emotional abuse.

• Controlling how someone can spend their money
• Stopping someone from accessing money or benefits
• Demanding money from someone or taking their belongings
• Forbidding someone from working or studying
• Limiting the amount of petrol in the car

 

Technological Abuse

In this day and age, technological abuse is getting more common.

• Using a phone or other technology to control or embarrass someone
• Monitoring someone’s communication without them knowing
• Controlling someone’s use of technology (e.g. isolating them from friends/family)

 

Harassment or Stalking

Whether in a relationship or not, these behaviours are considered harassment or stalking and are forms of domestic abuse.

• Demanding to know where someone is and who they’re with at all times
• Watching, following or monitoring someone
• Monitoring someone’s personal information (e.g. texts, social media, emails, phone bills)
• Harassing someone via internet or phone (e.g. constant calls, texts, emails)
• Tracking someone via GPS devices and spyware

 

These are just some of the types of domestic violence. If something doesn’t feel right and you don’t feel safe in your relationship, it could be abuse.

If you or someone you know is living with domestic and family violence, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

We explore the effects of domestic violence in this blog post.

 

Other Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.