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What to do When Your Friend Only Talks About Themselves

Are your conversations with your friend a little one-sided? Do they talk about their lives and problems without showing any interest in yours?

Relationships are all about give and take. It’s normal for there to be times when one person is in a crisis and needs more focus and support than the other – after all, being a good listener is part of being a good friend. But in general, a friendship should be based on mutual support.

It can be draining to feel like the emotional dumping ground for a friend, especially if the favour isn’t returned when you need a shoulder to lean on.

We hope these tips help you maintain a healthier, more balanced friendship if your friend only talks about themselves.

 

Consider why

Ask yourself why they might be preoccupied with their own stuff.

Are they going through a hard time? Do they not have many other friends to confide in? Could they be anxious to fill awkward silences? Maybe they’re lacking social skills? Or perhaps they’re simply self-absorbed?

Thinking about what might be going on behind the scenes can help you gain understanding and empathy. It can also help you consider whether the relationship is toxic and worth maintaining or not.

 

Focus on common interests

As friends, it’s likely you have at least one shared interest you can dive into.

Maybe it’s a favourite band or TV show, a love for a sport or fitness in general, or simply a shared passion for good food and good times. Whatever it is, try to steer the conversation to this topic. It might seem surface-level at first, but it could lead to a deeper chat.

By talking about mutual interests, you both get to contribute your thoughts and feelings about topics you enjoy.

 

Get personal

Do you volunteer personal information? Are you willing to share as much as they share?

If not, your friend might see you as a ‘listener’. You can break out of this role by opening up some more without waiting to be asked.

If you’re comfortable, show your friend you’re willing to be vulnerable and let them in. They’ll likely show an interest and want to be there for you.

 

Ask for their opinion

Does your friend find a way to make every topic about them?

Asking your friend their opinion on an issue is a good way to talk about yourself while making them feel important and included.

For example, instead of telling them you’re enrolling in art classes, ask them if they think you should enrol in art classes. You don’t have to take their advice on board, but it’s an easy way to turn their attention to something you want to talk about.

 

Tell them how you’re feeling

If your friend cares about you and you enjoy spending time with them, it might be worth addressing the issue so you can move forward and maintain the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

If you don’t feel like you’re getting anything from the relationship, or your friend is unwilling to change, there’s nothing wrong with distancing yourself and saving your energy for the friendships you benefit from.

For more help maintaining healthy relationships, you might like our article How to Set Boundaries in Relationships.

What is Coercive Control?

Not all domestic abuse is physical, and some types of abuse can be hard to recognise. In fact, some people can live in an abusive relationship for years and not realise they’re experiencing abuse.

Coercive control is a type of domestic abuse that can be harder to identify than some other types of abuse. It refers to a pattern of behaviours used by an abuser to control their partner and create an uneven power dynamic.

Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.

You may have heard this term in the news and media a lot recently. This is because there has been a push to make coercive control illegal under reforms to domestic violence laws across Australia. The Queensland Government is set to criminalise coercive control in the state by 2025.

In this blog post, we’ll explore some examples of coercive control and how you can get help if you live with domestic and family abuse of any kind.

 

Examples of Coercive Control

These are just some common ways coercive control might be used in an intimate relationship.

Isolating from friends and family

A controlling person or abuser may try to get their partner to reduce or cut contact with their support network. Keeping them away from family and friends can make the victim easier to control.

The abuser might try to prevent them from going to social events or being alone with their support network in case they talk about issues in the relationship while the abuser isn’t around. The abuser may also prevent them from going to work or school.

Monitoring activity

This might involve wanting to know where the victim is and who they’re with at all times, or calling and texting excessively when apart. It also includes reading emails, texts, and social media messages without the victim’s permission.

Extreme cases might involve placing cameras or recording devices in the victim’s home or car, or tracking them with GPS and spy software. This is also considered stalking and harassment.

Restricting autonomy

The abuser’s main goal is to take the victim’s freedom and independence away from them. They might do this by removing or restricting the victim’s access to a vehicle or public transport, hiding their devices, or changing passwords on their devices and online accounts.

Controlling the body

It’s common for a controlling partner to not only want to control how their victim behaves, but also how they look. They might dictate what the victim can and can’t wear, what they eat and drink, how they groom and present themselves, and how often they exercise.

They might even comment on how much or little the victim sleeps or whether they should seek medical care or not.

Degradation

The abuser will aim to damage the victim’s self-esteem in order to gain control over them and prevent them from leaving the relationship.

Abusers might call their victim names, insult them, constantly criticise how they do things, bully and belittle them. They might also put them down in front of others but pass it off as “only joking”. Over time, even small jabs will eat away at the victim’s self-worth.

Financial control

Coercive control can involve financial abuse, where the abuser withholds or limits access to money. They might provide the victim with an ‘allowance’ and/or control how money can be spent.

Limiting the victim’s access to money can make it even harder for them to leave the relationship as they may feel financially dependent on the abuser. This is especially common when children are involved.

Jealousy and possessiveness

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in an abusive relationship, the abuser might constantly accuse the victim of cheating to control them. This can make the victim feel guilty about spending time away from them, or simply make them avoid going to social events because they don’t want to deal with the accusations.

Controlling partners often act jealous and possessive to reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world.

Threats and intimidation

This might involve threats to the victim’s own safety or that of their children, pets, property, friends or family.

The abuser will use threats or intimidation to scare the victim into doing what the abuser wants.

We further discuss power and control in relationships in our blog post The Problem with Power in Relationships.

 

How to Get Support

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

 

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

When Your White Friends Won’t Talk About Race

Not all conversations are easy, but the difficult ones are often the most important.

Talking about race can make people uncomfortable – particularly people who benefit from the privilege that comes from being white.

They may not consider themselves racist. They might even call themselves an ally. So why is it that some white people go quiet or change the subject at the mention of the systemic racism that they benefit from? Why do some white people post a black square on their social media but refuse to engage in constructive conversation about Black Lives Matter, changing the date, or The Voice to Parliament?

First Nations Peoples – Aboriginal Peoples and Torres Strait Islander Peoples – and other Black Peoples and Peoples of Colour shouldn’t have to avoid these conversations to protect their white friends’ comfort.

And while it’s also not your job to educate your friends on these topics, real friends should be there to listen and learn when you do want to discuss these very real issues.

RAQ has had several clients seeking advice around how to have these conversations with the people in their lives over recent months.

So I sat down and had a yarn with Aunty Deb, our Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Engagement and Cultural Advisor, to get some insights on the topic. We wanted to share some ways you could start a conversation about race with your white friends.

 

Question their perception

Encourage your friends to reflect on how they see the world and what has formed their understanding of what they see.

Do they see First Nations Peoples in their daily lives? Do they see them represented in the media? How are they represented? Do they see stereotypes? Did their parents or friends ever talk about First Nations Peoples – Aboriginal Peoples and Torres Strait Islander Peoples – in a negative way?

These kinds of questions can help your friends consider their perception and start to think about how they can break the chains that constrain their thoughts. Our parents and/or the media might have given us ways to see the world, but it’s up to us to challenge and expand those.

Remember that how you bring people to an understanding is important.

Aunty Deb shared:

“It’s all about context – start with the person’s knowledge base. Try to understand what exposure they’ve had to First Nations Peoples’ collective knowledge of the facts of our colonial to present-day history. If the individual or group have had minimal exposure to this information, it’s important to provide an historical background with a timeline of historical facts from many sources of truth and alternative sources of history.

“For example, The First Australians SBS series and other historical texts by respected Historians like Noel Loos, Henry Reynolds, Bruce Pascoe, Jackie Huggins, Ray Evans. Some people have never heard or been taught these alternative historical viewpoints before.”

 

 “We won’t be constrained by your stagnant perceptions of who we are.”

– Paraphrased quote by Aunty Eve Feisel, SEQ Gubbi Gubbi Elder, Traditional Owner and Academic.

 

Encourage them to unpack their privilege

Whether they’re aware or not, your white friends are receiving advantages, opportunities and rights simply based on the colour of their skin. This is called ‘white privilege’.

Some examples of white privilege include:

  • Seeing people of your race widely represented in mainstream media
  • Being able to choose to be surrounded by people of your race most of the time
  • Easily finding makeup, Band-Aids, stockings and other items that match your skin tone
  • Easily finding picture books, dolls, greeting cards, and magazines featuring people of your race
  • Being able to swear in public or wear worn clothes without people attributing this to your race
  • Not having to think about how your race might impact how you’re treated
  • Not being called a racial slur
  • Not being profiled by police.

Ask your white friends about their privilege and the things they might take for granted each day. How do these separate them from, or connect them with, other people? A little self-awareness can help them start to see through the eyes of others and understand more about the systemic racism in our society.

 

Bring their attention to daily microaggressions

Racism and microaggressions happen all the time, but white people might not notice it (that’s a privilege in itself). If you’re comfortable, start to point out microaggressions as they happen.

If you experience a microaggression on your own or with a friend, bring it up and ask them if they saw a problem with what just happened. It could be someone asking where you’re from in a disrespectful way, a shopkeeper watching you more closely than others, or someone moving away from you on public transport.

This could be a great way to start a conversation about the very real racism you face in your everyday life and prompt them to keep an eye out for these behaviours in the future.

 

Call out performative activism

It can sometimes seem like white people post anti-racist and “woke” content to their social media accounts just for show. Some of the people who posted a black square for Black Lives Matter still chose to celebrate with friends on Invasion Day. Something’s not adding up here!

Ask them if they think their values and actions in real life align what they post on social media.

Are they practising what they preach? Or are they just calling out everyone else’s behaviour without doing the work themselves? It takes more than a social media post to fight racism.

 

Talk about how they can help

White people can use their privilege to advocate for issues faced by First Nations Peoples. Let them know about some of the common frustrations you experience and what requires advocacy in the wider community.

This could be a good way to raise awareness around key issues and also provide your white friends with some guidance if they want to help but don’t know where to start.

There are also several bystander action programs that offer simple steps to stand up to everyday racism, such as:

  • Confronting or disagreeing with the perpetrator (if safe to do so)
  • Calling it “racism” or “discrimination” (if productive to do so)
  • Interrupting or distracting the perpetrator (if safe to do so)
  • Comforting the person(s) targeted
  • Expressing upset feelings
  • Seeking assistance from friend, teacher, manager, coach etc.
  • Reporting the incident to authorities.

 

Encourage them to do their research

Your white friends can increase their exposure to First Nations Peoples and culture by actively seeking nonbiased representation in First Nations-led media and resources such as:

They can also raise their awareness by watching films and documentaries that highlight racial inequality and discrimination. There are also studies about the prevalence of discrimination in Australia and the harm it causes First Nations Peoples and communities.

Here are some statistics about discrimination and negative attitudes towards First Nations Peoples in Australia from a 2014 Beyond Blue study that you might like to discuss:

  • More than half of non-First Nations Australians have witnessed acts of discrimination towards First Nations Australians.
  • One in five (21%) admit they would move away if a First Nations Australian sat near them.
  • One in five (21%) admit they would watch the actions of a First Nations Australian in a retail environment.
  • One in 10 (12%) would tell jokes about First Nations Australians.
  • One in 10 (10%) would avoid sitting next to an First Nations Australian on public transport.
  • One in 10 (9%) would not hire an First Nations Australian for a job.

There’s no end to the information they can expose themselves to on the internet and beyond. It’s their responsibility to continually educate themselves about racism.

 

Know when to end it

As Aunty Deb says: “This is our country – First Nations Peoples have always lived here, and we should not be forced to be an aggressor in our own country. We’re not the problem.”

You’re not the problem. If your friend is causing you pain and frustration and is not willing to do the work or understand your experience, it’s OK to end that relationship.

You can protect yourself spiritually by removing yourself from people who don’t respect your culture and who you are as a person. You don’t have to spend the mental and emotional energy on educating or arguing with people who aren’t open to learning.

RAQ acknowledges the Traditional Owners on whose countries we live and work and Elders Past and Present. We pay tribute to their enduring stewardship, and honour their ongoing contribution to the spiritual, environmental, social, cultural, political and economic fabric of our society.

How to Have “The Talk” with Your Teenager

‘The birds and the bees’ is something we all learn about eventually, and it’s generally best that it comes from a parent or guardian. Learning about sex from the media and peers alone can leave kids and teens at risk of developing inaccurate and problematic beliefs and behaviours.

Teaching your kids about sex can help keep them informed, healthy, and safe. But how do you have the ‘sex talk’ with your teenager in a way that’s constructive and comfortable for everyone?

We hope this advice helps make that tricky conversation a little easier.

 

Find the right time

Give your teen a heads up that you’d like to have a chat about sex. This can give them time to prepare themselves and think of any questions they might have.

Sit them down in a private and comfortable environment, such as their bedroom or your living room. Ideally, find a time when they’re not distracted by looming exams or other stressful events.

If you’d prefer a more ‘organic’ way to discuss the subject, you might like to casually raise it with your teenager following a relevant event such as a family pregnancy, movie, song, or ad. These everyday moments can be the perfect springboard for the discussion.

 

Share the basic facts

You don’t have to be an expert, but you should know and share the basic facts about sex that can help keep your teen safe.

Some of these include:

  • What sex is and what behaviours can lead to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
  • Contraception such as condoms and birth control
  • Consent and boundaries, including how to give and respectfully receive a ‘no’
  • The social and legal risks of sexting and sending explicit images
  • Healthy vs. unhealthy romantic relationships
  • Questioning their sexuality.

Remember not to assume your teenager is heterosexual, and explain that STDs can be transmitted in same-sex encounters, too.

Read our article How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality for tips to support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Discuss your expectations

Be clear about your expectations. You can limit the time your teen spends with their peers without an adult around, ask them where they’re going and where they’ve been, give them a curfew, and have an ‘open bedroom door’ policy in your home. If they’re dating, get to know their partner’s parents and discuss your expectations with them, too.

Keep communication open with your teen and develop trust so they’ll be more likely to open up to you in future.

 

Encourage questions

Ask your teen if they have any questions or need further clarification around anything. Let them know you’re there for them if they ever want to talk about sex and relationships.

If they ask you something you don’t know the answer to, be honest. Tell them you’re not sure and do some research before getting back to them with accurate information.

 

Share some resources

Your teen might have some questions they’d rather explore on their own. Luckily, the internet is filled with great educational resources and answers at the touch of a button. But it can help to direct them to some credible resources where they can find trustworthy information when they need it.

Some helpful websites include:

For more helpful tips for parenting teens, check out this blog post.