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Month: July 2021

How Can I Stop Gambling on My Own?

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Has gambling become a problem for you?

When enjoyed responsibly, gambling can be a fun form of entertainment. But if it gets out of control, it can start to cause problems in your life and relationships.

We hope this advice helps if you’re having a hard time keeping your gambling under control and want to know how to stop yourself from gambling.

 

Recognise Risky Behaviours

Knowing the common signs of problem gambling can help you keep an eye on your gambling habits.

Some signs your gambling might be unhealthy include:

  • Arguing with family and friends after gambling
  • Borrowing money or selling assets to gamble
  • Considering getting money to gamble through illegal means
  • Feeling guilty about gambling
  • Gambling to escape your problems or feelings
  • Hiding the extent of your gambling
  • Losing and having an urge to return as soon as possible to win back losses
  • Missing work or social events to gamble
  • Spending more time or money gambling than planned.

 

Know Your Triggers

Take note of the people, places, and activities that trigger your gambling urges, and what you can do to avoid gambling in that situation. You might like to keep a table like this:

Trigger Thoughts Feelings Coping Strategy
Going to the pub with a workmate We usually have a few beers and go on the pokies Nervous, worried Plan a different activity away from a gambling venue

 

Delay

Urges come in waves and will eventually pass.

If you feel an urge to gamble, try to delay the decision to give in. Instead of gambling as soon as you feel the desire, try to wait at least half an hour. If you’re feeling OK, try waiting another half an hour, and so on.

Delaying your gambling provides a chance for the urge to pass.

 

Distract

Gambling urges can be overwhelming. It might feel like gambling is all you can think about.

Start by taking some deep breaths and trying to relax, then do something to take your mind off gambling. Distracting yourself with other activities can help you remove yourself from the experience of a craving and engage in something else.

For example, you might like to go for a walk, watch a TV show, call a friend, or take a shower or bath.

 

Fill Your Days

Boredom can be a breeding ground for gambling urges.

Plan ahead and keep yourself busy and fulfilled to avoid boredom. Sitting around might increase your risk of giving in to gambling to stimulate your brain, so fill your days with things you enjoy.

Find some fulfilling interests and hobbies, maintain your friendships, and focus on self-development.

 

Remember Your ‘Why’

Don’t lose sight of why you want to reduce your gambling. Is it impacting your relationships? Your work? Your mental health? Is it getting in the way of your financial goals?

It can help to keep a list of the reasons why you made the decision to take action, as well as the things you could achieve if you changed unhealthy habits. Read your list every time you feel an urge to gamble.

 

Seek Professional Help

If you need some extra support to fight gambling urges, help is available.

You can learn about our counselling options here, or call the free and confidential Gambling Help QLD helpline on 1800 858 858.

You can find more self-help tips here.

Navigating a Trial Separation in the Same House

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Making the decision to temporarily separate can be tough enough, but choosing a trial separation in the same house can bring some added challenges.

Trial separations don’t immediately mean the end of a relationship. This time can provide the space and opportunity for both people to consider whether they want to end their marriage or if they want to work on things.

And while a trial separation while living together may seem awkward, it can work really well if the partners are on relatively good terms.

You might be staying under the same roof due to financial circumstances or for the sake of your children. Whatever your reasons, we hope this advice helps you navigate your in-house trial separation a little easier.

 

Establish Boundaries and Rules

It’s important to set some ground rules early on to ensure you’re on the same page and avoid disagreements.

Some things to consider at the start of your trial separation might include:

  • The length of the separation
  • Where you’ll each be sleeping
  • How you’ll divide finances/expenses
  • If you’ll tell your children, friends or family
  • Whether you’ll be seeing other people during this time
  • How you’ll divide household chores and responsibilities
  • Whether you’ll remain sexually intimate during this time
  • Whether you can still call/text each other during this time.

It can help to speak to a relationship counsellor if you need help communicating and agreeing on respectful personal boundaries and guidelines.

 

Maintain Open Communication

Don’t wait for tensions or resentments to build up before speaking.

Check in with each other and maintain honest communication to see how you’re both feeling.

While a trial separation can provide an opportunity for some space, it’s important to keep a temperature check on what’s working and what’s not – especially during an in-home trial separation.

Touch base regularly to discuss where you’re at and whether you’re both still working toward the same goal. You might even like to schedule a set time in once a week to have those conversations.

 

Try Relationship Counselling

Every couple faces challenges from time to time. If you’re struggling to communicate your needs or navigate issues – big or small – relationship counselling can help.

Our experienced relationship counsellors can help you talk through any difficulties you’re experiencing in a safe space free from judgement. They can work with you as an individual or with you and your partner to help you find ways to manage your situation more effectively.

“We can help clients restore and rebuild their relationships – sometimes to be even stronger than they were before,” says RAQ Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden.

You can learn more about relationship counselling or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

Learn more about what you can expect from relationship counselling here.

How Often do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship?

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Every couple argues. It’s only natural for disagreements to arise, even in the happiest and healthiest relationships. But how much is too much fighting in a relationship?

First things first: There’s no “average amount of times” couples should argue. What matters is how you argue.

Do you listen and feel heard? Do you use respectful language? Or do things turn personal and nasty? Do you interrupt your partner and dismiss their point of view?

Disagreements can make your relationship stronger, or they can damage your relationship and leave you feeling resentful. It’s all about how you work through disagreements – not how often they come up.

We explore what makes an argument healthy or hurtful here.

 

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Fights

Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, constructive arguments can benefit your relationship. They can increase your understanding of your partner and their needs, bringing you closer and strengthening the trust in your relationship. But unhealthy fights can do the opposite.

Here’s the difference:

 

Healthy Arguments

  • Focusing on the issue at hand
  • Allowing each other to speak your piece
  • Using calm and respectful tone and language
  • Taking responsibility and saying sorry
  • Taking a time-out to calm down if emotions are high
  • Making requests instead of complaints
  • Asking for clarification if you don’t understand what they mean
  • Working together to find a solution

 

Hurtful Arguments

  • Picking a fight for the sake of it
  • Interrupting each other or not listening
  • Bringing up past issues irrelevant to the topic at hand
  • Disrespectful language such as swearing or name-calling
  • Raised voices or yelling
  • Purposely hurting each other
  • Blame and finger-pointing
  • Making threats to leave or hurt each other
  • Violence or abuse

 

Where to Get Help

There are a lot of ways to argue, and many couples fall into a familiar pattern or dynamic when they fight. This can be hard to break out of, but it is possible to find healthier ways to approach conflict.

If you’re struggling with communication and/or conflict, relationship counselling could be a helpful option. Learn more or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden offers more advice on how to fight fair in this blog post.

What is Mum Guilt?

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Am I doing enough? Am I doing it right? Am I a good mum?

A recent study of 900 mums found 78% felt guilty, with 68% feeling this way at least once a day. So where does mum guilt or parental guilt come from, and how can we deal with it?

We explore the phenomenon of mum guilt and some strategies to cope with it here.

 

What causes mum guilt?

Parenting raises endless decisions. Will you breastfeed or bottle feed? Continue in your career or stay at home? Make your own baby food or buy off the shelves?

All these choices can become overwhelming, and no matter what decision you make, it seems you can always find a way to doubt yourself. Let’s face it, when it comes to ‘getting it right’, the stakes have never seemed higher.

Mum guilt/parental guilt stems from these doubts and the natural and overwhelming desire to do the very best for your child.

Add to this the external pressures: information overload, and the (often unwelcome) judgements and opinions of everyone around us, and it’s no wonder we’re questioning our every move.

And then there’s the stuff no one talks about: When you’re struggling so badly and feel so alone that you want to quit parenthood altogether and hide away from everyone and everything. Parenting is hard, and when the sleep deprivation and general overwhelm of raising a tiny human becomes too much, you feel guilty about that, too.

I wanted this. I should be grateful. I’m a bad parent for not loving every second.

Mum guilt can show up in many ways and may lead to mental health issues like anxiety and postnatal depression.

We explore some of the signs of postnatal depression and where to get support in this blog post.

 

How to deal with mum or parental guilt

If you’re struggling under the weight of guilt around being a good parent, just remember you’re not alone. For many people, motherhood and guilt go hand in hand. But there are a few strategies that may help.

Practice self-compassion

We can be our own toughest critic – especially when it comes to parenting. Make a conscious effort to be kinder to yourself and interrupt that negative monologue. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Acknowledge little wins

Parenting is hard. Don’t forget all the small stuff you’re accomplishing every single day. Got the kids fed and dressed and out the door? Win. Did a load of washing during naptime? Win. Maintained your sanity for another day? Win!

All these everyday victories should be celebrated, because it’s the little wins that make you an amazing parent.

Stop comparing

Social media makes it easier than ever to weigh ourselves up against our peers and strangers with ‘perfect’ lives. Whether it’s online or in real life, try not to compare yourself to other parents. What works for some may not work for others. Just remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

Look after yourself

Kids don’t want a perfect mum – they want a happy mum.

When you have kids, being a parent can become your main identity. But it’s important to nurture who you are outside of that and prioritise your personal needs.

Ask for help when you need it, and continue the hobbies, interests, and relationships you enjoyed before bub. You can’t fill from an empty cup, and maintaining your mental health and happiness will benefit you and your family.

 

If you need some extra help coping with life right now, talking to a counsellor might help.  Learn about our confidential counselling service and how to book an appointment here, or call 1300 364 277.

For more advice, check out our tips to silence your inner critic.