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Month: May 2022

Hard Yarns: The Uluru Statement from the Heart

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We’re aware this content may cause distress for some people. We encourage you to seek trauma-informed and culturally appropriate support from a trusted professional.

Readers are advised to hold a trauma-informed approach through any sharing of materials on this page.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

13YARN: 13 92 76

 

We’ve been hearing a lot about the Uluru Statement from the Heart in the news lately.

On May 21, Australia’s new Prime Minister Anthony Albanese started his victory speech with a message of support for the Statement.

“I begin by acknowledging the Traditional Owners of the land on which we meet. I pay my respect to their Elders, past, present, and emerging, and on behalf of the Australian Labor Party I commit to the Uluru Statement from the Heart in full,” he said.

The Uluru Statement from the Heart didn’t get the same support when it was first presented in 2017.

Then-Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull confirmed cabinet had rejected the First Nations Voice to Parliament proposed in the Uluru statement, stating it was not “desirable or capable of winning acceptance at referendum”.

This outcome was described by a number of senior First Nations leaders and organisations as a fatal blow to any hope of Indigenous recognition in the Australian constitution.

Sean Gordon, the chief executive of the Darkinjung Aboriginal Land Council and one of the main spokespeople in support of the Uluru statement proposals, said he was “extremely disappointed” by the rejection.

 

What is the Statement from the Heart?

The Uluru Statement from the Heart is a 2017 petition by Australian Aboriginal leaders to change the constitution of Australia to improve the representation of First Nations Australians.

It’s an invitation to the Australian people from First Nations Australians, asking Australians to walk alongside them to build a better future by establishing:

  • A First Nations Voice to Parliament enshrined in the constitution
  • A Makarrata Commission for the purpose of treaty-making and truth-telling.

The Yolngu concept of ‘Makarrata’ captures the idea of the coming together after a struggle. It’s about acknowledging that something has been done wrong, and it seeks to make things right.

“We seek constitutional reforms to empower our people and take a rightful place in our own country. When we have power over our destiny our children will flourish. They will walk in two worlds and their culture will be a gift to their country.”

 

Why is a First Nations Voice important?

The call for a First Nations Voice enshrined in the constitution provides a practical path forward to finally address the issues that governments alone have been unable to resolve.

The Statement argues that reforms such as a First Nations Voice would empower First Nations Peoples to address the “torment of powerlessness” that sees them overincarcerated and their children alienated from their families at alarming rates.

A First Nations Voice would provide the foundation for self-determination and better outcomes for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples.

 

What happens now?

The new Albanese government made enshrining a First Nations Voice to parliament an election promise.

It’s not yet clear what a Voice to Parliament would look like, but First Nations groups and organisations are requesting that the government provides a timeline for a referendum.

We encourage you to read the Statement in full and learn more here: View The Statement – Uluru Statement from the Heart

 

RAQ stands with First Nations staff, clients, and communities who have been impacted by transgenerational trauma and continue to experience structural and systemic cultural bias and racism.

We recognise First Nations Peoples’ right to self-determination and that they are working to transform their lives.

We acknowledge the generosity of First Nations Peoples as they continue to build upon their resilience and resourcefulness and endeavour to develop and maintain respectful relationships with all other Australians and international visitors on their Lands.

Am I emotionally abusive?

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Relationships can be challenging. But they can be even more difficult if you’re (unintentionally) being emotionally abusive or have picked up some unhealthy habits – possibly from childhood – without realising it.

Catching these behaviours early is important if you want to have a healthy, positive relationship and avoid hurting your partner further.

There’s been a spotlight on emotional abuse and coercive control over recent years, and this has increased with the Queensland government’s recent announcement to criminalise coercive control by the end of 2023.

But what exactly counts as emotional abuse and/or coercive control?

We explore some of these behaviours to help you better understand these dangerous forms of abuse.

If you recognise these behaviours in yourself, you might like to consider seeing a counsellor to help you make changes and address any underlying issues that might be contributing.

 

You guilt your partner for spending time with others

A healthy relationship requires each individual to maintain their own lives, friends, interests, and connections outside of the relationship.

Guilting your partner for spending time with others or trying to control who they spend time with or talk to is emotional abuse.

 

You keep tabs on where your partner is and who they’re with

Do you check in on your partner with excessive texts and calls when you’re apart? Do you constantly ask what they’re doing and who they’re with?

Jealousy and insecurity in a relationship can lead to controlling behaviours such as keeping tabs on your partner and wanting to reduce their contact with the outside world.

 

You check their messages or emails without permission

People often go through their partner’s phone because they’re worried about what secrets they might be hiding.

But reading your partner’s texts, emails, or call log only perpetuates more secretive behaviour in the relationship.

This is a violation of privacy and may be an indication of trust issues.

 

You dismiss your partner’s feelings

In a healthy relationship, both people’s feelings and needs are considered equally important.

Not allowing your partner to speak in arguments, trivialising the things that are important to them, ignoring their needs, invalidating their concerns, and dismissing their feelings as “dramatic” are all forms of emotional abuse.

 

You’re critical of your partner, even as a “joke”

This might include belittling your partner’s accomplishments or interests, making sarcastic jokes about their looks or behaviour, calling them names, putting them down, and insulting them. You might even do this as a “joke” around friends to embarrass them.

While some couples have a playful dynamic that involves some harmless teasing, there’s a big difference between banter and abuse.

Are you helping to build your partner’s self-esteem, or are you harming it?

 

You comment on your partner’s clothing and/or appearance

Everyone has the right to wear what they like and present themselves as they like.

For decades, we’ve seen the “You’re not going out wearing that, are you?” trope on TV – generally between a man and his female partner when she’s wearing a short or figure-hugging outfit.

This is a way to assert control and is often because he’s insecure and worried about the attention she’ll get.

It’s never OK to tell someone what they can and can’t wear, what hairstyle they should have, what they should do with their body hair, or whether they should lose weight – no matter their gender.

 

You “punish” your partner

This might involve giving them the “silent treatment” or withholding affection until you get your way.

While the silent treatment can simply be a sign of poor communication skills, it can also be a manipulation tactic in emotionally abusive relationships.

These kinds of emotional and psychological punishments can be used to pressure someone to change their behaviour, and it can also make them feel like your love is conditional.

 

You make all the decisions

It’s not uncommon for relationships to have a dynamic where one person “wears the pants” if that’s what works for both people. But each partner must at least consider their spouse when making decisions.

In a healthy relationship, the decisions are made equally and mutually with respect to both parties.

Disregarding your partner’s input and preferences or refusing to compromise are forms of emotional abuse.

 

You “play nice” in public

Do you treat your partner differently around friends and family than you do when you’re alone?

You might portray yourself as charming, kind, and caring when in public, yet disrespectful, uncaring, and unkind behind closed doors.

If you’d be embarrassed or ashamed for your loved ones to see how you treat your partner in private, it could be a red flag for abuse.

 

Where to get help

These are just some of the ways emotional abuse can be used in a relationship.

If these behaviours sound familiar, the good news is you can change.

Identifying these unhealthy patterns in yourself is the first step to having healthier interactions and a better connection with your partner.

Our counsellors can help you identify and address any underlying issues within yourself that may contribute to these patterns and dynamics.

Counselling appointments can be booked by calling 1300 364 277.

People experiencing emotional abuse often don’t realise they’re in an abusive relationship. Learning more about these behaviours can help validate their experience and empower them to make change.

You can learn more about emotional abuse in our blog post What’s an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Hard Yarns: Is the Flag Free?

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We’re aware this content may cause distress for some people. We encourage you to seek trauma-informed and culturally appropriate support from a trusted professional.

Readers are advised to hold a trauma-informed approach through any sharing of materials on this page.

Lifeline: 13 11 14
13YARN: 13 92 76
 

For the first time, the Aboriginal flag can be used freely by all Australians.

A few days before Invasion Day 2022, Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced the federal government had “freed the Aboriginal flag for Australians” by buying the copyright from Harold Thomas, the Luritja artist who created it over 50 years ago.

“When I created the flag, I created it as a symbol of unity and pride. That pride we have for our identity that harks back to the birthing of our dreaming, to the present existence and beyond,” says Mr Thomas.

The “Free the Flag” campaign was launched by Aboriginal-owned-and-led business Clothing the Gaps in 2019. They had received cease and desist letters from a non-Indigenous company, WAM Clothing, demanding they stop using the Aboriginal flag on their clothing.

Then-copyright owner Mr Thomas had granted WAM Clothing exclusive rights for use of the flag on its clothing. This meant anyone else wanting to use the flag on clothing – even non-commercially – had to get permission from the WAM first.

The #freetheflag campaign demanded new licensing agreements over the Aboriginal flag’s design, especially for First Nations businesses and organisations. Clothing the Gaps started a petition that gathered more than 165,000 signatures and high-profile supporters from across Australia, and earlier this year, the flag was freed.

The flag has had its share of controversy and control over the years.

Cathy Freeman was almost penalised for carrying both the Australian and Aboriginal flags during her 1994 Victoria Commonwealth Games victory laps for the 400m and 200m sprints.

Despite this controversy, Ms Freeman again carried both flags during her 2000 Olympic Games victory lap in the 400m sprint – a symbol of reconciliation and pride in her Aboriginal cultural heritage.

Although the copyright settlement is a practical solution to a controversial problem, some people are disappointed that the federal government now owns the exclusive rights to reproduce the Aboriginal flag.

Gunnai Gunditjmara and Djab Wurrung woman Senator Lidia Thorpe explains:

“I felt shock horror that the colonial system that has hurt our people for so long now has the copyright to the one thing that united Aboriginal people across this country.”

She explained that many people in the First Nations community hoped the government would pay for the copyright to be ended, but the flag should have been returned to First Nations Peoples rather than kept.

While we celebrate that the flag has been legally “freed” for all to use, we must understand and respect that not everyone believes the flag is in the right hands now the Commonwealth owns the copyright.

It can be argued that this approach does not uphold the autonomy and self-determination of Australia’s First Nations Peoples.

Mr Thomas says he hopes the democratisation of the flag will “provide comfort to all Aboriginal people and Australians to use the flag”.

“I am grateful that my art is appreciated by so many, and that it has come to represent something so powerful to so many.”
 

RAQ stands with First Nations staff, clients, and communities who have been impacted by transgenerational trauma and continue to experience structural and systemic cultural bias and racism.
We recognise First Nations Peoples’ right to self-determination and that they are working to transform their lives.
We acknowledge the generosity of First Nations Peoples as they continue to build upon their resilience and resourcefulness and endeavour to develop and maintain respectful relationships with all other Australians and international visitors on their Lands.

How to Talk to Your Parents About Their Future

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Some topics are hard to raise with your family, no matter how close you are. 

If your parents are approaching retirement age, you may be concerned about what they have planned for their future. Maybe you want to make sure they’ll be financially secure, or that you’re abiding by their wishes when the time comes. 

But it can be hard asking your parents about their plans when you haven’t always seen eye-to-eye in the past, or you look to them for guidance. 

Often, starting the conversation about what they have planned for their future can seem so overwhelming, it’s easier to avoid the topic altogether. But the truth is that having this conversation is an important part of protecting your loved one’s wellbeing and making sure you’re acting according to their wishes. 

Here are some tips to help you navigate this topic calmly and respectfully. 

Pick the right time and place 

For a sensitive subject like this, it’s important to make sure everyone is in the right frame of mind to talk openly. Try to avoid starting the conversation when your parents might be tired from work, feeling wound up after a big family gathering or experiencing a lot of personal stress.  

It’s also worth thinking about where you want to have this discussion. Think about places where your parents feel comfortable, and that are private and familiar, like their own home or yours. 

Raise the topic casually 

Asking your parents about their future plans out of the blue might make them feel put on the spot. You don’t want them to feel trapped or uncomfortable. 

Starting off with an open-ended question about their life now can help keep the conversation light and casual. Some examples of questions you could ask are: 

  • Are you lonely living at home? 
  • What do you want your retirement to be like? 
  • How is it living home alone? Do you feel safe? 
  • How are you going with driving to the shops/doctors/etc.? 

Ask the right questions 

It’s important to focus on questions that put your parents’ wishes, goals and feelings at the centre of the discussion. Some examples include: 

  • Are you happy with where you live now, or would you want to move somewhere else? 
  • Do you have a will and an Enduring Power of Attorney? 
  • What would you do if you were sick, or needed care? 
  • Would you want to go to a nursing home if you needed to? 
  • What do you think I should know about your wishes? 
  • Have you written your plans down or shared them with anyone? 

Remember this is about your parents’ current and future care needs and how you can support them. While you may be curious, it’s not an opportunity for you to pressure them with questions about your future inheritance.  

Listen and follow your parents’ lead 

Thinking about the future after you pass can be scary and unpleasant.  

It’s important to make sure your parents know that you’re here to support them and help them achieve their goals, not pressure them. You might disagree with them on some things, but they have the right to be in control of their own future. 

Make it clear that you’re happy to follow their lead when it comes to these choices; having this discussion will help you support them by giving you a clear idea of what their plans and wishes are. 

Make it an ongoing conversation 

There are lots of things to consider when it comes to planning life after retirement and organising your estate, so don’t expect to cover everything in one conversation. 

Leaving the topic open-ended so you can revisit it later can help your parents work through these issues at their pace.  

 

No matter how prepared you are, having these conversations can be hard for both you and your parents. RAQ’s Senior Relationship Services can help you navigate this topic and others with your family. Call 1300 063 232 for more information. 

Hard Yarns: Suicide and Mental Illness

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We’re aware this content may cause distress for some people. We encourage you to seek trauma-informed and culturally appropriate support from a trusted professional.

Readers are advised to hold a trauma-informed approach through any sharing of materials on this page.

Lifeline: 13 11 14
13YARN: 13 92 76

 

The Commonwealth Government recognises that First Nations Peoples are nearly three times more likely to be psychologically distressed than other Australians, and twice as likely to die by suicide.

Some common contributing factors include:

  • Systemic racism
  • Discrimination
  • Disadvantage (e.g. poverty, homelessness, chronic illness, disability)
  • Continuing experience off loss from incarceration, illness, and premature deaths of family members
  • Generational trauma and grief due to the past systematic removal of children and destruction of communities.

 

“Suicide was unknown to Aboriginal people prior to invasion. Appalling living conditions and past traumas have led to a suicide rate that by far exceeds that of non-Aboriginal people.” – Creative Spirits.

 

Beyond Blue’s ‘Invisible Discriminator’ campaign highlights the impact of racism on the social and emotional wellbeing of First Nations Peoples: The Invisible Discriminator – Beyond Blue

The research found just over one third of First Nations persons aged 15 years and over felt they had been treated unfairly at least once in the previous year due to their race, and up to four out of five First Nations persons regularly experienced racism.

It also found a ‘dose’ effect: the risk of high or very high levels of psychological distress increases as the volume of racism increases. Subtle or ‘casual’ racism can be just as harmful as more obvious forms.

 

The National Indigenous Australians Agency (NIAA) has invested $1.8 million in a new First Nations suicide prevention data project to help provide a more complete picture of this complex issue.

The project, due for completion in June 2022, is being delivered by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) and aims to help focus the Government’s efforts to ensure that suicide prevention initiatives and services can be more targeted to communities and individuals most at risk.

You can read more about the project here: Harnessing data for more targeted suicide prevention initiatives | National Indigenous Australians Agency

 

Earlier this year, Lifeline announced the launch of 13YARN, the first national crisis support service for First Nations Peoples, managed by First Nations Peoples.

If you or someone you know need support, you can connect with 13YARN on 13 92 76 (24 hours/7 days) and talk with a First Nations Crisis Supporter.

 

Thirrili offers Indigenous Suicide Postvention Services to support individuals, families, and communities affected by suicide or other significant trauma.

A Postvention Advocate can be contacted 24/7 by calling 1800 805 801.

 

RAQ stands with First Nations staff, clients, and communities who have been impacted by transgenerational trauma and continue to experience structural and systemic cultural bias and racism.
We recognise First Nations Peoples’ right to self-determination and that they are working to transform their lives.
We acknowledge the generosity of First Nations Peoples as they continue to build upon their resilience and resourcefulness and endeavour to develop and maintain respectful relationships with all other Australians and international visitors on their Lands.

How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship

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Is someone you know experiencing abuse in their relationship?

It’s hard to see someone you care about in an unhealthy relationship, but it can also be hard to know how to help or if you should get involved at all.

While you can’t magically fix the situation, you can help them feel supported and less alone.

We spoke to Family and Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie to offer some advice to help someone in an abusive relationship.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Create a safe space to talk

Offering an empathetic ear can make all the difference for someone struggling.

Find the right time to check in and ask how they’re doing. This should be when you’re in a quiet, private environment. It can help to ease into the topic by raising it after some initial chitchat.

It can be very hard for survivors to talk about their abuse as they may feel embarrassed and ashamed. You want them to feel comfortable discussing their situation with you, and they may shut down if you come across as preachy or judgemental.

“Listen to their story without judgement,” Shirley advises. “Get curious without judgement, and have no judgement around the decisions they make.”

Shirley also suggests discussing the different types of domestic violence and controlling behaviours with your loved one.

“Share stories to invoke insight and awareness around what abusive behaviour looks like. Abuse isn’t just physical.”

Remember they may not want to share certain details, or they may want to skip the chat entirely. Respect their boundaries and comfort and let them know you’re there whenever they need to talk.
 

Don’t pressure them to leave

It’s normal to want your loved one out of a dangerous situation and on a happier, healthier path. But pressuring them to leave their partner can make them feel worse during an already difficult time. It may even damage their trust in you and prevent them from opening up in future.

“They may already feel worthless and powerless, and putting pressure on them may make them feel ashamed, guilty, inadequate, and even more powerless to initiate change,” Shirley explains.

Abusive relationships are complicated, and leaving isn’t always easy. The most dangerous time for a survivor is often right after they’ve left their abuser.

“There can be a huge amount of fear attached to leaving, and it takes a great deal of courage to leave. That courage has to be built into the survivor’s belief system,” Shirley explains.

“Let them know that you love and care about them and their safety, and you’ll support them with whatever decision they make.”

 

Keep offering support

Gently and consistently check in on them to stay up to date with their situation and how they’re feeling. Some abusive and controlling partners make it difficult for survivors to keep in touch with friends and family, so be patient and understanding if they’re not always as responsive as you’d like.

Ask how you can help and suggest different ways you can support them, such as assisting with a safety plan and offering them a safe place to stay if they need it.

“Share information with them in a way that will not put them at risk,” Shirley advises. “For example, don’t give them support service pamphlets if there’s any chance the abuser will find them.”

Relevant support contacts might include:

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DV Connect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DV Connect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

 

Our support services

There is still hope for some unhealthy relationships. If your loved one doesn’t know whether their relationship is abusive or toxic, they don’t need to have the answers.

Our counsellors can help individuals and couples work through their relationship problems. Counselling appointments can be booked by calling 1300 364 277.

You can learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention services here.