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Month: November 2022

How to Bring Out the Best in Your Partner

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In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Your words and behaviours can lift them up or bring them down.

You bring out the best in your partner when you foster their greatest qualities. This involves providing a safe and respectful environment for them to be their true selves and live by their values.

A few red flags that you’re not bringing out the best in each other might include a power imbalance, controlling or jealous behaviour, or poor communication (e.g. passive aggression, rudeness, yelling, or feeling too scared to speak up).

A relationship that brings out the best in you will make you feel supported to be someone you’re proud of.

Here are some great ways to encourage the best in your partner.

 

Communicate respectfully

Over the years, several studies have consistently shown that problems with communication is one of the main reasons for divorce or relationship breakdown.

Too often we might let our emotions get the best of us and speak unkindly to each other. We might expect our partner to read our minds and know our needs, then give them the silent treatment when we’re left disappointed. Or we might shut down or walk away instead of listening and connecting.

This isn’t always intentional. We may have grown up in a house where it wasn’t always safe for us to speak up, or maybe we simply don’t know how to voice our feelings in a constructive way.

It’s crucial to learn these skills for a healthy and lasting relationship where both people feel heard and valued.

If you need help learning how to communicate with your partner, relationship counselling can help.

 

Support their goals

Your relationship should allow you both to grow as individuals as well as a couple.

It’s important to share goals and dreams for your future together, but it’s equally as important to support your partner to pursue their own goals and dreams.

It can help to remember your partner is their own person with their own inner world – they’re not just an extra in your movie! Encourage them to maintain their own hobbies and friendships and continue to strive for a fulfilling life.

 

Show appreciation

Often when we express our appreciation and gratitude for something, we encourage those traits and behaviours to continue.

If you love something about your partner, let it be known. Express your appreciation for the big and little things regularly through your words and your actions.

You might like to:

  • Thank them in their love language – A good old-fashioned ‘thank you’ never goes astray, but it can be nice to show your love in the way that they like to receive it. For example, if their love language is ‘words of affirmation’, you could try writing a heartfelt note or text message.
  • Compliment them in private and in public – Praising your partner for their looks or achievements doesn’t have to be reserved for behind closed doors. Celebrate them in public by telling friends how great they are at their job/cooking/parenting/telling stories/choosing holiday destinations/whatever it may be!
  • Surprise them – No one knows what your partner loves more than you do, so why not surprise them with their favourite coffee, takeaway, or activity? This will make them feel seen and valued.

 

Challenge them

Bringing out the best in your partner isn’t just about applauding their positive traits and behaviours – it’s also about challenging the negative ones.

Respectfully and gently question them when their behaviour doesn’t align with their values or goals. Try to come from a loving place of curiosity instead of passing judgement, as this may cause them to become defensive.

For example, if they’ve expressed a desire to quit smoking but their behaviour hasn’t changed, ask them if they still have that goal and what steps they could take to achieve it.

If they’ve told you they want to have a better relationship with their parents, but they continue to decline their phone calls and invitations, question whether they think those choices are going to help or hinder the relationship.

 

Be the best version of yourself

In order to hold your partner up, you need to feel good about yourself first.

Prioritise your self-care and self-growth by determining your own goals and taking steps to have a fulfilling life. Nurture your friendships outside the relationship, and spend your time doing the things that bring you joy and help you create the future you want.

You can be a more supportive partner when you’re confident in who you are and what you stand for.

 

If you need some extra support as an individual or a couple, our counsellors can help you explore your goals and identify any issues that may be in the way. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

How often should couples fight? We explore in this blog post.

Why do I feel disconnected from everyone?

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Are you feeling disconnected from your friends and family?

Maybe you feel misunderstood or like no one “gets” you. Or perhaps you feel emotionally “empty” and don’t have the bandwidth to engage with people as you normally would.

We explore some of the potential causes of disconnection and signs of social withdrawal, and offer advice to nurture fulfilling connections here.

 

Potential causes of feeling disconnected

It’s normal to feel less close to your loved ones from time to time.

This may not necessarily be due to a disagreement or falling out. How connected you feel to others can be impacted by many factors and depends heavily on your circumstances.

These are just a few potential causes.

Burnout

While friends and family can provide much-needed support when we’re stressed, it can get to a point where we’re so burnt out that we can no longer actively engage socially. If work, study, parenting, your relationship, or other stressors have become overwhelming, you may find it harder to connect with your friends.

Experiencing a life-changing event

Loss, moving, changing jobs, or the end of a relationship are emotionally and mentally exhausting. It’s easy to detach or withdraw when you don’t have the energy to spend on other people. You may also feel disconnected from your peers after experiencing such a big change.

Feeling like you’re on a different path to your peers

Similarly, it may be hard to feel understood by and close to someone if they can’t relate to your experience. Perhaps you can feel your friends without children disengaging when you talk parenting. Or maybe your siblings in high-powered careers don’t seem to understand your choice to casually freelance while travelling. Feeling misunderstood by the people around you can cause you to disconnect and disengage emotionally, thinking “why bother?”.

Social media

Despite being created to encourage connections regardless of your location, social media can certainly have the opposite effect. It’s important to remember that social media is often a highlight reel of other peoples’ lives; it’s often not entirely reflective of reality. It’s also important not to let virtual interactions replace real conversations or quality time.

The rise of social media has been a fundamentally multifaceted phenomenon… The evidence suggests that social media use is strongly associated with anxiety, loneliness, and depression. – Centre for Mental Health (UK)

Living or working in a remote area

Being far away from friends and family, feeling exhausted by shift work, and relationship problems due to the pressure of FIFO work can cause you to shut down socially.

Working from home

The COVID pandemic made the home office much more common. While there are plenty of benefits, being in our own home all day without those office chitchats makes it incredibly easy to feel disconnected from the world.

Mental health issues

Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and mood disorders can cause social withdrawal and isolation. Socialising can feel like a chore when you’re struggling with your mental health, and it can be hard to be truly present with others when your mind feels messy.

 

Signs of social withdrawal

Feeling disconnected often goes hand in hand with social withdrawal. This can be a risky cycle given the physical and mental health risks of social isolation and loneliness.

Here are some of the common signs of social withdrawal:

  • Spending less time with your friends and family than usual
  • Finding excuses to decline invitations
  • Preferring to spend time alone
  • Experiencing FOMO (fear of missing out)
  • Your “social battery” feels flat
  • Feeling excluded by friends and family
  • Feeling like you can’t relate to your peers
  • Feeling numb or empty.

 

How to form fulfilling connections

When you notice yourself feeling disconnected, there are some steps you can take to feel connected again:

Reach out to friends and family. Let someone know how you’re feeling. Even a short phone call with a loved one can help you feel a bit more connected. Being honest and vulnerable about how you’ve been feeling can be a great first step to increasing the emotional intimacy in that relationship.

Make plans based around your circumstances. They say that life gets in the way of living. If certain circumstances like an injury, bad weather, or demanding work shifts are the cause of your isolation, there are some steps you can take to adapt. Try having a Zoom happy hour with friends, or letting friends and family know your work schedule so they can include you in plans.

Take a break from social media. Research shows that FOMO is indeed real. It’s defined as “a pervasive apprehension that others might be having rewarding experiences from which one is absent,” and social media is extremely good at causing this feeling. Ironically enough, sometimes disconnecting can make you feel more connected. Put your phone down and meet with someone important to you face to face.

Incorporate connecting into your daily routine. If working from home has got you feeling lonely and out of touch, see if you can spend more time in a local community working space. If you have friends who also work from home, you could have a work-from-home day together.

Practise saying yes. Sometimes a bit of time with friends or family can help us feel like ourselves again – even if we’re not in the mood. It’s okay to be gradual and start with plans that are not too socially overwhelming or exhausting. Being around loved ones might be the perfect pick-me-up.

Prioritise self-care. Socialising with others is extremely difficult when we don’t feel like ourselves. Practising self-care can be a rejuvenating mood-booster. Dedicate time to relaxing, taking a bath, listening to your favourite podcast, or all of the above. If you’re worried about your mental health, talk to your GP about a mental health care plan.

 

Talking to a counsellor may help you with feeling more connected. Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

What is emotional detachment?

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Do you ‘shut down’ or feel emotionally numb when you get overwhelmed?

You could be emotionally detaching.

Emotional detachment describes a state of being unable or unwilling to engage or connect with other people’s feelings – or even your own.

It’s often used as a coping mechanism during difficult situations, but it can also be a sign of underlying mental health issues.

We explore some causes and signs of emotional detachment and offer advice here.

 

What causes emotional detachment?

Emotional detachment is often triggered by negative feelings.

These are just some reasons someone might emotionally detach or dissociate.

Traumatic event

Emotional detachment can be a reaction to a traumatic or stressful event. This might be an accident, abuse, breakup, or the death of a loved one.

Childhood conditioning

Growing up in an environment that didn’t encourage vulnerability may cause someone to feel uncomfortable discussing feelings or getting close to people as an adult. It may also cause someone to rely on the ‘silent treatment’ or emotional detachment if they never learned how to express themselves in a healthy way.

Fear of getting hurt

Someone might choose to detach emotionally from a love interest or intimate partner as a protective measure. They may keep an emotional wall up to avoid future emotional pain – particularly if they’ve been hurt in past relationships.

Medications

Emotional ‘numbness’ can be a side effect of some medications, such as antidepressants. Always speak to your trusted medical professional if you’re concerned about how your medication may be impacting you.

Interpersonal conflict

Some people choose to emotionally detach from their intimate partner or a specific friend or family member if they’re upset with that person. They may feel drained and not have the desire or emotional bandwidth to connect while they’re upset.

Mental health conditions

Emotional detachment is a symptom of several mental health issues, such as depression, PTSD, and some personality disorders. You should speak to your GP about a mental health care plan and seek a professional diagnosis if you’re concerned about your mental health.

 

Signs of Emotional Detachment

These are some of the behaviours that may indicate emotional detachment.

Experiencing one or more of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean you’re emotionally detached. If you’re concerned about how you’re feeling and how you’re interacting with the people around you, talking to a professional might help.

  • Feeling ‘numb’
  • Inability to identify emotions
  • Difficulty showing empathy to others
  • Feeling disconnected from others
  • Difficulty sharing emotions to others
  • Difficulty committing to a relationship or person
  • Losing touch with people you normally enjoy interacting with.

 

How to Cope when You’re Emotionally Detached

Emotional detachment can be a positive temporary tool to protect ourselves from stress or overwhelm.

But it can lead to relationship breakdown and other issues such as social isolation, which can have serious impacts on our mental and physical health.

Emotional connection is an important part of a healthy and happy life.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling to emotionally connect with yourself and others.

Self-reflect

Making sense of the messiness in your head might be the last thing you want to do right now. But being able to identify and address your feelings is an important first step to feeling connected to yourself – and others – again.

Take some time to look within and reflect on how you’re feeling in your mind and body. What might be causing you to emotionally detach from the world around you? What’s one small way you can start to process this and move forward?

You might like to write your feelings down in a journal. Don’t think too much about what you’re writing – just let the words flow as they come to you.

Be honest

If it feels safe to do so, telling your loved ones how you’ve been feeling may bring you some relief and help you feel a sense of connection again.

Chances are they’ve felt the same way at some point and will be able to offer some empathy and understanding for your situation, and patience as you work on feeling like yourself again.

Seek professional help

Our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe, non-judgemental space. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

How to Cope with Empty Nest Heartache

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Empty nest syndrome or heartache is often used to describe the grief many parents feel when their children move out of the family home.

While it’s not a clinical diagnosis, empty nest syndrome is a well-known and common phenomenon that generally involves feelings of loss, sadness, and rejection, and the questioning of purpose and self-identity.

It’s normal to be sad when your children leave home – or even in the leadup to them leaving. It can take some time to adjust to this new ‘normal’. But if you’re struggling with ongoing symptoms of depression or emotional distress, it may help to talk to a professional.

We hope this advice helps you cope with empty nest syndrome and embrace the positive opportunities this new chapter presents.

 

Nurture your friendships

Kids can take up a lot of your time – no matter their age. Now your children have left the home, you may have more free time to catch up with friends.

Investing in friendships and filling your social calendar can ward off feelings of loneliness while increasing your sense of belonging and purpose. You might like to organise a monthly potluck dinner or encourage friends to join a social sport or book club with you.

 

Reconnect with your partner

Quality time and spontaneous dates can go by the wayside once kids come along. Now you have the house to yourselves again, you can embrace your newfound freedom and rediscover all your favourite things to do together – without worrying whether the kids will enjoy them too.

Plan a weekly date night out of the house and create new traditions at home together with boardgame and movie nights.

Chances are your partner shares similar feelings about your children leaving home, so remember that you’re in this together and have someone to confide in when you’re not feeling your best. And if you’re single, lean on your support network of friends and family when times are tough.

 

Navigate your new relationship with your child

Physical distance from your child doesn’t have to mean emotional distance between you. Your relationship will naturally change as they gain some independence, but this is an opportunity to build a genuine friendship as they become their own person.

Keep in touch with texts, calls, and visits (when invited) while respecting their boundaries (e.g. don’t judge their decisions or offer unsolicited advice, and avoid putting pressure on them to contact or visit you more often).

 

Make plans for the future

Being a parent can define your identity. It’s normal to question who you are and what’s next for you when your children don’t need you as they once did.

This is a chance for you to prioritise yourself and your goals. Reflect on what’s important to you and what you want your life to look like moving forward. This might involve creating a bucket list featuring several categories such as travel, career, fitness, relationships, spirituality, and contribution.

Having something to look forward to can help increase motivation and overall mood. So turn those goals into plans and book a trip, sign up for a marathon, take guitar lessons, or start a course.

 

Seek professional support

If your symptoms of empty nest heartache are persistent or impacting your daily life, it may help to seek professional support.

Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgemental environment can help you explore your feelings and concerns and find healthy coping strategies. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We provide some tips to adapt to your new dynamic and foster a good relationship with your adult children in this blog post.

How to Deal with a Quarter-Life Crisis

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Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? What is my purpose?

These are all common questions asked during a quarter-life crisis.

Much like a midlife crisis, a quarter-life crisis can bring uncertainty, questioning, and intense soul-searching. It generally sets in during the early twenties and may last into the early thirties.

During a quarter-life crisis, you might experience anxiety around your identity, career path, and general place in the world – along with a sense of urgency and panic to figure it all out.

Some of the common factors that can trigger a quarter-life crisis might include graduating university, moving out of home, job searching or career planning, and comparison to peers.

While your twenties and thirties are thought to be some of the best years of your life, it’s normal to experience periods of uncertainty and anxiety around your goals, plans, and life direction.

We hope this advice helps if you’re experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

 

Quarter-life crisis symptoms

If you’re preoccupied with questions or worries about your choices and future, you may be experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

Here are some other common signs of a quarter-life crisis.

Feeling restless and craving change

Are you feeling antsy in your everyday routine? Struggling to concentrate or find satisfaction in the things you used to enjoy? You might feel like you’ve been on autopilot and need excitement and change – whether it’s to your appearance, your environment, or your hobbies.

Feeling directionless

It may seem that everyone around you has a calling and a plan mapped out for their future, while you feel lost and directionless. You may feel pressure to choose how you want your future to look, and fear that you’ll make the ‘wrong’ decision.

Being overwhelmed by decisions

Having options is generally a good thing, but it’s easy to get overwhelmed by possibilities during a quarter-life crisis. You might struggle to make decisions or feel the stakes are higher, spending more time than usual considering all the outcomes.

Feeling like you’re falling behind your peers

You might look at where your friends and peers are in life and worry you’re falling behind. Comparing your journey or ‘progress’ to others can be a major sign of – or trigger for – a quarter-life crisis.

Feeling like you’re trapped

Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or even a town, you might feel stuck in a situation or commitment you’re not happy with. You might spend time going over the pros and cons of making a change or focusing on the reasons why you’re stuck. For example, you might feel your current role is the only job you’re qualified for, or you can’t afford to relocate to a new area.

Feeling like you’re running out of time

During a quarter-life crisis, you might fear you’re running out of time to tick off all the things you’d wanted to do. Maybe you had a timeline or an age in mind for marriage and children, or to tick some travel off your bucket list, and not meeting those milestones has you feeling your ideal future slip away.

 

How to get through a quarter-life crisis

If you’re having a tough time dealing with anxiety and questioning around who you are and what you’re doing with your life, these strategies might help.

Remember it’s normal

Quarter-life crises are common. Chances are even your most ‘put together’ peers have experienced some uncertainty and insecurity around their identity and life choices too. Remind yourself that a quarter-life crisis is a shared experience for many people in their twenties and thirties, and you probably have some friends who can relate.

Stop comparing

Don’t lose your gratitude for all the good in your life by comparing your situation to others’. Comparison sets us up for failure and dissatisfaction, feeding negativity and resentment. Remember that everyone is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all template for a happy life. There’s only one of you, and your life is going to reflect your unique experiences and personality.

Prioritise self-reflection

Take time to get to know yourself. You might do this by meditating, journalling, doing self-discovery activities, or seeing a counsellor. Determining what’s important to you can help you make choices that align with your values. This will help you build a future that brings you fulfilment and happiness – whatever that looks like to you.

Make a plan

Once you’ve become more self-aware and in tune with your thoughts and feelings, you may be able to start answering some of the questions you’ve pondered during your quarter-life crisis. Find a time when you’re in a relaxed and positive headspace and list some of the short-term and long-term goals you’d like to achieve and the steps to get there. This can help you become more focused and confident in doing what’s right for you.

Be patient as you figure it out

Whatever your journey, there are always going to be bumps along the way. That’s just a part of being human. There’s no rush to have all the answers, and it’s fine (and normal!) to change direction as you learn and grow. Be patient with yourself while you work it out.

Seek professional support

If you’re having persistent anxiety about your future or your concerns are impacting your daily life, it might help to speak to a counsellor. Our experienced counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and help you find solutions and coping strategies.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer tips to silence your inner critic in this blog post.

How to Overcome Loneliness as a New Mum

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There’s a lot of pressure to be in a bubble of love and joy when bub comes long.

But it’s common for parents of newborns to feel a sense of isolation and loneliness – particularly for first-time mums.

This may be tied to missing your old life and/or feeling like your sense of identity has changed or blurred.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness are thought to be risk factors for postnatal depression (PND) and anxiety, which are reported to affect up to 1 in 5 Australian women.

This blog post offers advice to combat loneliness as a new parent, and preventative measures for anyone concerned about developing PND.

 

Take care of yourself

You may not have time to take a long bubble bath or go for a relaxing massage right now, but that doesn’t mean your self-care should suffer completely.

Make sure you’re meeting your basic needs as best you can while you’re putting all your energy into attending to baby’s needs.

Taking care of yourself by showering, moving your body, and eating nutritious meals may help increase your coping capacity.

It’s not selfish to prioritise your self-care. When you feel good about yourself, your baby will benefit.

 

Reach out to your support network

It takes a village to raise a child, but new mums seem to be more isolated than ever.

It’s not uncommon for friends and family to take a step back once bub comes along. They might think you’d like some alone time with your new family, or maybe they want to avoid overwhelming you with messages and visitors.

If you’re feeling lonely or need more support, let your loved ones know how you’re feeling. Chances are they’d love to put more time and effort into nurturing your relationship and helping you feel connected and supported during this time.

 

Accept help from loved ones

This is not the time to decline offers of help out of pride or not wanting to be a burden.

If the people around you offer to bring over some meals or do a load of laundry, let them. This will shorten your to-do list while increasing your social interactions – win, win!

These acts of service come from a genuine place of love and care. The people around you want to lift you up and pitch in where they can, so accept and embrace the offers while they’re on the table.

 

Seek support from other parents

During the tougher days, it can be especially helpful to know you’re not alone and to have support from someone who can relate to what you’re going through.

Connect with friends who have kids for advice or just an empathetic ear.

If you don’t have parents in your social circles, consider joining a local mothers’ or parents’ group, or turn to the internet to find your people. There are endless Facebook groups and forums you can join.

 

Take steps to prevent postnatal depression

There’s no silver bullet to prevent postnatal depression, but there are a few things you can do that may help reduce the risk of developing PND.

  • Educate yourself – Learning about postnatal depression can help you identify the signs and seek help early if you do experience it.
  • Talk to a professional – It can be helpful to see a counsellor leading up to your parenting journey. This will allow you to explore any concerns around PND and address any other issues in your life that may impact your mental health.
  • Look after your body – Physical health and mental health go hand in hand. Eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, and sleep as much as you can during pregnancy and post-birth.
  • Avoid major life changes – Try to maintain a calm and comfortable routine during pregnancy and post-birth, and don’t make any other big life changes (e.g. moving house).
  • Enlist good support during labour – Who will be in the labour room with you? Your partner? Your mother? A private midwife? Consider who will be able to best support you and advocate for you.
  • Consider household help – If you can afford a cleaner or a meal-delivery service, it’s worth booking it in for the postpartum period.
  • Find a strong support group – Surrounding yourself with supportive, loving people you can trust will make a world of difference when you’re struggling. If you’re particularly concerned about developing PND, be open and let them know.

 

Seek professional support

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Some other support services include:

National Helpline, Monday to Friday, 9am – 7.30pm (AEST/AEDT): 1300 726 306

Helpline: 1300 851 758

View other service options (including telehealth counselling and group programs)

24/7 helpline: 1300 22 4636

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email (email response provided within 24 hours)

24/7 crisis support: 13 11 14

24/7 crisis chat

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