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Month: February 2023

How to be an Ally to Your LGBTQIA+ Grandchild

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It can be overwhelming to talk to your grandchild about gender, sexuality, and identity. Especially when the social and political landscapes are vastly different today than they were in your generation.

Your grandchild is likely worried about your feelings on their identity, too. Love and support from you will be crucial for your grandchild.

We hope these tips can help you to be a respectful, informed ally for your LGBTQIA+ grandchild.

 

Have a positive mindset

LGBTQIA+ rights and social norms have changed drastically over the generations. Due to being from a different time than your grandchild, it is natural that you may have different ideas and information surrounding what it means to be LGBTQIA+.

Take this opportunity to allow your grandchild the freedom of being who they are. Be respectful of the trust instilled in you by your grandchild disclosing their identity to you. Be willing to change your perspective and beliefs that may be engrained from the past.

As an LGBTQIA+ ally, you will find the communities inclusive and welcoming.

 

Create a welcoming, loving environment

Even if you don’t quite understand your LGBTQIA+ grandchild, your support is the easiest and best thing you can give them.

Let your grandchild know that you love them unconditionally. Ensure that your home is a safe, judgement-free place where your grandchild can express their full self.

To create a welcoming environment:

  • Use a gentle tone of voice
  • Be sensitive to the emotional labour of “coming out” or “inviting in”
  • Let them express themselves, regardless of social norms
  • Avoid derogatory language and slurs
  • Be mindful of facial expressions and reactions
  • Don’t say “I always knew you were…”
  • Don’t make jokes or laugh at their self-expression
  • Don’t demand information or ask intrusive personal questions
  • Don’t minimise their experience or say “it’s just a phase”

 

Don’t treat them like they’re different

Your LGBTQIA+ grandchild shows resilience, strength, and pride in the face of adversity every day. Society has long treated many LGBTQIA+ individuals like they are different, lesser, or bad.

Your grandchild is likely worried about how you’ll feel about their identity. They may fear judgement or rejection, or that their relationship with you will be damaged.

Avoid treating your grandchild like something has changed after they have come out as LGBTQIA+. Show them the same love and respect that you show to your other grandchildren. Ensure them that this won’t change your relationship with them.

 

Do your own research

Many LGBTQIA+ individuals find themselves having to “teach” others about gender and/or sexuality. This assumed responsibility can be frustrating and exhausting.

Show that you care and become a respectful, informed ally by doing your own research. Minus 18 and PFLAG+ Brisbane are excellent resources for parents, grandparents, and allies.

Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms include:

  • Inviting in: Disclosing one’s gender and/or sexuality. For some, the phrase “coming out” holds a negative connotation of being something to be hidden away.
  • Ally: Someone who stands up for and supports members of the LGTBQIA+ communities, and in this case is usually someone who is heterosexual and/or cisgender.
  • Gender or gender identity: One’s sense of whether they are a man, woman, non-binary, or a combination of one or more of these. Gender can be binary (man or woman), or non-binary (including people who have no binary gender at all and people who have some relationship to binary gender/genders).
  • Sexuality: A person’s identity in relation to the gender(s) they are typically attracted to.
  • Sex: A classification people are often given at birth based on external characteristics.

You can read about the up-to-date terminology on the Australian Institute of Family Studies website.

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Disclosing as LGBTQIA+ takes a great deal of courage, and it is a significant event that your grandchild will remember for the rest of their life.

Your grandchild trusts you enough to talk about their identity. Don’t break that trust by disclosing this information to anyone else, even if that includes your grandchild’s parents. Gender and/or sexual identity are extremely personal, and control over that information is a right that should not be taken away.

 

Monitor their mental health

LGBTQIA+ individuals are at increased risk of encountering acts of discrimination, including bullying, hate crimes, and exclusion. Research shows that young LGBTQIA+ Australians are between three and fifteen times as likely to attempt suicide. There is also significantly increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and psychological distress.

Keep an eye on your grandchild for signs of self-harm, withdrawal, depression, or anxiety. If you notice these signs or any other alarming behaviours, remind your grandchild that you support them, and encourage them to seek support from a GP.

 

Our Rainbow Program supports the mental health and wellbeing of individuals who are gender and/or sexuality diverse.

If you or an older person you know need help in mending a relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

Is your older loved one facing emotional abuse?

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Emotional abuse, also referred to as psychological abuse, is non-physical behaviour that frightens, controls, or isolates the victim. Emotional abuse often accompanies other types of abuse, but it can be just as dangerous on its own.

Older people are especially vulnerable to abuse; research suggests that 1 in 6 older Australians have experienced abuse in the past year.

In this blog post, we will explore some signs and risk factors of emotional elder abuse. We will also provide some insight on what to do if you suspect someone is at risk of elder abuse, and how you can prevent this abuse from happening further.

 

Who is most vulnerable to elder emotional abuse?

The seniors in our community are incredibly vulnerable to abuse, so it is our job to look after them.

Older Australians may be more at risk for emotional abuse if they:

  • Do not live with a partner; are unmarried or widowed
  • Have mental or physical health impairments
  • Live in a lower-income household or area
  • Have debt or live in rental accommodation
  • Have less frequent contact with family or friends
  • Are living in someone else’s home, such as an adult child

 

What are the signs of emotional abuse against an elderly person?

Emotional abuse is often difficult to identify or to prove due to its gradual nature and to the control that it often has over the victim. The victim may not even realise they are being abused.

“If you put a frog in boiling water, it’ll jump straight out. If you put it in cold water and gradually bring it to the boil, it’ll sit right there until it dies.”
– John Niven

Common signs of emotional elder abuse include:

  • Self-neglect
  • Self-devaluation
  • Minimising their own needs
  • Resignation, withdrawal
  • Fearfulness
  • Confusion
  • Agitation or anger
  • Shyness
  • Rocking back and forth
  • A decline in self-esteem
  • Self-harm
  • Worry or anxiety before, during, or after seeing a specific person
  • Avoidance of eye contact with a specific person
  • Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
  • Social withdrawal

 

Who might inflict emotional elder abuse?

Perpetrators of emotional elder abuse are usually someone whom the victim should be able to trust.

The most common perpetrators are:

  • an adult child or stepchild
  • a grandchild
  • a partner
  • a paid caregiver
  • an acquaintance such as a neighbour

Abuse may be intentional or unintentional, but it is never okay. The perpetrator may not even realise they are being abusive due to underlying factors, such as poor mental health.

 

What kind of behaviours are emotionally abusive?

Common emotionally abusive behaviours include:

  • Pressuring, bullying, intimidating
  • Verbal abuse, name-calling
  • Yelling
  • Silent treatment
  • Child-like treatment
  • Threats to harm a person or their pets
  • Threats to sell or destroy property
  • Emotional blackmail, such as threats to withdraw access to people or services
  • Preventing contact with family and friends
  • Denying access to phone or computer
  • Withholding mail
  • Preventing engagement with religion or culture
  • Relocating them away from family or friends

 

How you can help an older person you suspect is at risk

Elderly people are amongst the most vulnerable of our community, so preventing elder abuse is everyone’s job. Research shows that 6 in 10 older Australians experiencing abuse do not seek help.

You can help prevent emotional elder abuse by:

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of elder abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

Staying Safe after Leaving an Abusive Relationship

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Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, and in many situations, it can also be unsafe.

In fact, the period that follows leaving an abusive partner can be the most dangerous time for a survivor of abuse. The abuser may fear a loss of control and increase their abusive behaviours in an attempt to hold onto it.

Many people in abusive relationships will remain in their situation out of fear for their safety – and the safety of their kids or pets – if they do leave.

It often takes a lot of bravery, support, and planning to escape an abusive environment, and you may need to take some extra steps to stay safe once you’ve left.

We offer some suggestions to increase your safety here.

If you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Access Paid Family and Domestic Violence Leave if Eligible

Paid family and domestic violence leave is now available for some Australian employees.

Full-time, part-time, and casual employees of medium and large businesses can now access 10 days of paid family and domestic violence leave in a 12-month period.

Employees of small businesses can access the leave from 1 August 2023.

This paid leave ensures you can make arrangements and attend appointments required to deal with the impact of family and domestic violence without losing wages. This might include moving to a safe location, accessing police services, attending court hearings, or attending counselling.

This leave can also help reduce vulnerability for people concerned about their abuser visiting their workplace directly following the separation.

The Fair Work Ombudsman states:

“If an employee takes paid family and domestic violence leave, they have to let their employer know as soon as possible. This could be after the leave has started. An employer can ask their employee for evidence to show that the employee needs to do something to deal with family and domestic violence and it’s not practical to do that outside their hours of work.”

You can learn more about paid family and domestic violence leave here.

 

Consider Getting a Protection Order

If you’re worried about your safety, you may want to consider getting a protection order – also known as Apprehended Violence Orders or AVO.

This is a court order that bans someone from assaulting, harassing, threatening or stalking you, and the person can be charged if they break the order.

It’s a good idea to always carry a copy of the protection order with you and call the police if it’s broken. You should inform your employer of the situation if the order prevents your abuser from visiting your place of work.

You may like to speak to someone about whether this option is suitable for your situation. You can learn more about the application process here.

 

Change Your Routine

Wherever possible, try to mix up your routine so your abuser can’t predict where you’ll be.

This might include:

  • Avoiding your usual cafés and grocery stores
  • Driving a different car (e.g. borrowing a friend’s)
  • Leaving home or work at different hours
  • Taking a different commute route
  • Catching different buses or trains
  • Avoiding your usual gym or walking route
  • Changing any upcoming appointments they might know about.

If eligible, accessing paid family and domestic violence leave can support your safety by allowing you to take some time away from your workplace while you make arrangements and attend appointments.

 

Update Your Passwords and Privacy Settings

Survivors of domestic and family violence can be at high risk for online abuse. Unfortunately, advances in technology and social media have made it easier for abusers to stalk and harass their victims.

One way to protect yourself online is by updating the passwords on your social media, email, bank, and any other accounts. Choose strong passwords that your abuser won’t be able to guess.

Ensure all social media accounts are set to private and block your abuser wherever necessary. You may even like to consider getting a new phone number so your abuser can’t reach you.

 

Delete Location-Tracking Apps

Another way to protect yourself online is to deactivate the GPS setting on any location-tracking apps or spyware on your phone, such as Find my Friends, Snap Chat or Strava, or delete these apps altogether.

You should also avoid ‘checking in’ anywhere on social media or posting photos that may reveal your location. For example, avoid posting any photos that include street or shop signs or any identifiable buildings or landmarks.

 

Lean on Your Support Networks

It can be scary confiding in someone about what’s been happening behind closed doors. But it’s important that someone you trust knows about your situation so you have emotional support and a potential witness.

You might like to tell a friend, family member, colleague, or even a neighbour about what’s going on, and ask them to call the police on 000 if they witness any future abuse.

Remember that there is never an excuse for abuse, and it’s always the abuser’s choice to use abuse against their survivor. It’s not your fault, and you deserve to feel safe and respected in every relationship. Your loved ones just want to be there for you to help you stay safe and begin to heal.

 

Get Professional Support

Leaving an abusive relationship can take a huge emotional toll on survivors, and living with abuse can cause serious psychological damage. It’s important that you look after yourself during this difficult time.

Our experienced counsellors can help you process your experience in a safe environment free from judgement. They can work with you to explore your options and refer you to the appropriate support, including legal action where necessary.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

 

Other Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

We look at how to make a domestic violence safety plan and exit strategy here.

Subtle Controlling Behaviour in Relationships

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Controlling behaviour can range from directly telling someone what they can and can’t do, to more subtle methods, such as giving you the silent treatment if they don’t get their own way.

Controlling behaviours may even be disguised as ‘caring’. For example, your partner might demand to know where you are and who you’re with at all times and say it’s just because they care about you.

This is an example of coercive control, which is a form of abuse that has become illegal in some states in Australia, and is set to become illegal in Queensland by 2025.

Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.

Manipulative and controlling behaviour can be especially harmful as it can be difficult to ‘prove’ and easy for the perpetrator to gaslight their victim into thinking they’re just being dramatic or too sensitive.

This blog post will explore some of the more subtle controlling behaviours and advice if you’re living with control in your relationship.

 

Using the silent treatment or withholding affection

The silent treatment can be used by people who don’t know how to express their feelings or are uncomfortable with conflict. But it can also be used as a form of punishment and control in abusive relationships.

A controlling partner might withhold their affection or give you the cold shoulder as a way to influence or control your behaviour if they don’t get their own way.

The silent treatment can damage emotional intimacy and the ability to communicate in a healthy way.

If you’re upset with your partner but don’t feel like talking, try saying this instead of ignoring them:

  • “I’m feeling too upset to talk right now.”
  • “I need some time to put my words together.”
  • “Let’s talk about it when we’re both feeling calm.”
  • “I don’t want to say something that I’ll regret.”

 

Policing your appearance

This might include comments about what you wear, what you eat, or how you should present yourself in order to control your decisions around your appearance.

While some forms of policing your appearance are clear and direct, others may be more passive aggressive and subtle. For example:

  • “That’s a very tight dress.”
  • “Who are you all dressed up for?”
  • “Maybe you should have a salad instead.”
  • “You’re eating another slice of pizza?”

These are just some examples of more indirect comments used to control your decisions around your body and appearance. It doesn’t have to be a direct command to be controlling.

 

Convincing you your friends are flawed

A controlling partner will often try to isolate their victim from their support network.

Telling you who you can and can’t see or speak to is an obvious way to do this. But a more subtle controlling behaviour is trying to sway your opinion of a loved one by talking negatively about them.

They might plant seeds of doubt by exaggerating a friend’s negative trait. For example, if you have a friend that is consistently late to social plans, a controlling partner might focus on this and try to convince you that friend is rude or doesn’t really care about you and isn’t worth your time.

 

Making it hard for you to be friends with people of the opposite sex

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in a controlling relationship, the abuser might make it hard to form or maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your sexuality, of course).

They might monitor your social media contacts and question why you’re friends with a certain person, or accuse you of flirting with a co-worker they don’t want you spending time with.

Controlling partners often act jealous and possessive to reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world – particularly with people who may be potential threats.

 

Insisting on going everywhere with you

It’s healthy and normal for individuals in a relationship to maintain their friendships and hobbies outside of the relationship and separate to their partner.

A controlling partner might insist on attending every social event with you or joining you whenever you leave the house, whether it’s to the gym or to your local café. Or they might guilt you for leaving them at home all by themselves.

These behaviours indicate jealousy, possessiveness, and a lack of trust, and the objective is usually to control and monitor your behaviour and other relationships.

 

Insults disguised as jokes

A controlling partner might aim to slowly chip away at their victim’s self-esteem in order to gain control over them and prevent them from leaving the relationship.

This might include criticising how you do things, calling you names, putting you down, or saying you’d be lost without them – even if they claim they’re “only joking”.

Many abusers will belittle their victim under the disguise of banter and then blame their partner for not being able to take a joke.

 

What to do if you’re in a controlling relationship

If you’re the target of coercive control, you might experience:

  • Confusion around where you stand in your relationship
  • Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner
  • Second-guessing yourself and whether you’re just being sensitive
  • Damaged confidence and self-identity
  • Fear of being without your partner.

Not every relationship involving control and manipulation is doomed. This depends on the level of abuse and whether you feel safe. If you feel safe to do so, attending relationship counselling can help you explore your issues and find strategies for a healthier dynamic.

If the person using control is open to it, individual counselling can help them reflect on why they use control and address any underlying issues that may be present for them.

We offer counselling for individuals and couples in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

You can learn more about why people use control in relationships and the impacts of control on survivors in our blog post Is my partner controlling?

10 Tips for Moving Your Elderly Parents In

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As your parents age, their needs and their abilities tend to change. You may be wondering if it’s time to move your elderly parents out of their home and into your home with you.

If your elderly parent or parents need extra care, it may be more beneficial for everyone if they move into your home.

Moving your elderly parents in with you may even be a financially motivated decision; the recent cost-of-living increase has more and more families moving in together to save money.

However, with families living in such close quarters, there is higher risk for stress and conflict.

In this blog post, we’ll explore tips for a happy, healthy dynamic when you and your elderly parents live together.

 

1.      Establish specific financial expectations

Establish clear financial expectations from the beginning to avoid any conflict and to make sure both parties feel that the arrangement is fair.

It is a good idea to put these conditions in writing. Without a paper trail, you may find yourselves in serious, complicated legal trouble down the road.

It’s especially important to have a conversation about financial expectations if you are moving in together to save money.

To begin setting financial expectations, start by openly discussing these questions with your parents:

  • What is your parents’ budget?
  • Will you rent out or sell the parents’ current home?
  • Will your parents help pay for the house on the condition they can live with you rent-free?
  • If so, will you pay your parents back? What is the repayment plan like?
  • Will you charge them rent, and if so, how much?
  • How will you do the grocery shopping?
  • How will you divide the grocery bill?
  • What percentage of the household bills will they pay?
  • Can you save money by changing to family plans for certain subscriptions, like phone plans and Netflix?
  • Can you eliminate any subscriptions to avoid doubling up?
  • Are your parents taking advantage of senior benefits, such as age pension and concession cards?

We offer some cost-of-living savings tips for seniors in another blog post, including information about government subsidies and benefits.

When discussing financial expectations, it’s vital to be honest with each other. Dishonesty when making financial agreements can lead to a situation of financial abuse.

You may want to seek external help in creating a financial plan to ensure fairness to you, your family, and your aging parents. Relationship Australia Qld’s free Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) can help you and your older family member make informed financial decisions and help prevent financial abuse.

 

2.      Establish specific assistance & caring expectations

If your parent is moving in with you because they need some extra care and support, it is important to understand what your parent needs, and to communicate what you can provide.

Ask your parent what challenges they face and what they need help with. Make sure that your parent feels safe and comfortable in letting you know what they need.

Clearly communicate what assistance and support you are willing and able to provide.

However, don’t over-commit yourself. Be mindful of your schedule and other responsibilities. Identify areas where you may need to bring in extra support, such as a support worker.

You may also want to get your children involved in looking after your parents – it will be a great learning experience as well as a bonding opportunity.

 

3.      Set boundaries for yourself

Having someone move into your home, especially your parents, may feel like a tonne of pressure. Remind yourself that it’s your home, your rules. And remember that even though they’re your parents, you’re still an adult.

Be gentle yet assertive whenever you find that you need time or space. Spending too much time together can be straining on any relationship. You’ll need to find a balance between caring for your parent while still living your own life.

Relationships Australia’s recent survey reveals that 77.9% of participants have recently faced pressures on their most important relationships. These pressures are mostly related to mental health and money problems.

In your role as your parents’ carer, you can reasonably expect to face difficulties, but you’re not alone. The Queensland Government website lists a host of free support resources for those in carer roles.

This same survey also reveals that 94.6% of carers feel loved, and 48.6% identify the person they care for as the most important person in their life. Caring for your parents can give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

 

4.      Clearly ask about your parents’ boundaries

Don’t forget that your parents have feelings, too. Though they are older and need looking after, they still value privacy and space.

Having a conversation about what your parents’ boundaries are will help you maintain a healthy relationship with them.

It’s likely that moving in with you makes your parents feel dependent and reliant. Even though they’re living with you, respect your parents’ rights to independence.

 

5.      Ensure your home is senior-friendly

If your parent has a disability, is in a wheelchair, or is prone to falling, make sure your home will be a safe place for them.

Small changes may include making sure children’s toys are cleaned up and that pets are not a tripping hazard.

Bigger changes may include installation of a wheelchair ramp, installing handles in the bathroom, or putting a seat in the bathtub or shower.

The space that your parents are staying in should be clean and accommodating. Make sure they feel comfortable and have everything they need. They should feel safe and be able to have privacy.

 

6.      Be ready for lifestyle changes

Naturally, there will be changes to your lifestyle now that another family member is moving into your home. For example, family meals may change to suit everyone’s taste. You may also have to be considerate of loud music at certain hours and when guests visit the house. There will also be more cleaning up to do.

If quarters are close, you might have less privacy and personal space than you’re used to. Consider setting up a schedule, or at least communicate clearly about times that you need to access a certain space. For instance, if you need to get ready for work every weekday at 7 am, ask your parents to let you have sole access the bathroom during this hour.

 

7.      Prepare your spouse and children

Intergenerational living can be a wonderful opportunity for your children to spend more time with their grandparents.

Research shows that spending more time with grandchildren gives grandparents a 37% lower mortality rate. The Australian television program Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds conducted an intergenerational experiment which revealed that older people have improved mood, confidence, and physical health after just four weeks spent with children.

Having your elderly parents in the same household as your children can also be a great opportunity for your children to learn about your family, your heritage, and all kinds of special skills such as gardening and playing the piano. Your children will likely cherish this time spent with their grandparents.

However, it’s important to prepare everyone in the household for adjusting to life with your elderly parents. Teach the children how to be respectful of their grandparents, and ensure they are capable of any caretaking duties handed to them. Work together to maintain a clean household to keep your parents safe.

You may worry that having your parents live with you will interfere with your life with your spouse. Again, it’s important to set boundaries. Make sure you and your spouse are both prepared for the sacrifices involved.

Take this time as an opportunity to spend quality time together and to make your parents’ old age enjoyable.

Some fun ideas to make the best of the situation include:

  • Eating meals together more often.
  • Having weekly family events, like a movie night or a board game night.
  • Including your parents in your routine outings, such as the children’s school drop-off or your daily walk with the dog.

 

8.      Practise healthy conflict resolution

Living together will inevitably create situations of getting in each other’s way and annoying each other – but that’s totally natural! There are plenty of healthy ways to resolve conflict and move forward together.

Tips for healthy conflict resolution with your elderly parent:

  • Be empathetic. Try to understand your parents’ perspective. Ask them about their concerns.
  • Be gentle. Getting old is scary. Be sensitive and remember that your parents probably have a lot of their own feelings about requiring care and assistance.
  • Be patient. Your parents are from a different generation, so intergenerational living may come with a lot of surprises for them. Moving in together is as big an adjustment for them as it is for you.
  • Be solution focused. Arguing will not make your time living together any better. Try to find a solution to whatever has caused the conflict, and discuss how you can keep this conflict from recurring.

Our free Senior Relationships Mediation Service helps older people and their families in Queensland to repair and maintain their relationships. You can call us on 1300 063 232.

 

9.      Be sure your parents have their own social network

It’s so important that your older parents have their own support system besides just you and the family.

If your parent is moving to a new city or even just to a new suburb to live with you, they may have to make new local friends or join a local senior group.

When your parents have their own peers, there will be a lot less pressure on you. Socialising will also naturally improve your parents’ health, which is a win-win for everyone.

Research shows that seniors who are more socially involved are at decreased risk for heart disease, illness, high blood pressure, and mental deterioration. Being socially involved contributes to significantly lower rates of dementia, depression, and anxiety.

We offer some great tips for how your older loved one can start socialising in our blog, Staying Social As You Age.

Relationship Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program (SSCP) is a free service that offers social opportunities for older people in Sunshine Coast and Gympie. The SSCP includes social groups, peer support, healthy lifestyle events, and more with a focus on addressing the factors that contribute to the social isolation of older people.

If you live in another area of Queensland, the Queensland Government offers an expansive list of community groups for older people across the state.

 

10. Remember that all these things can change

As your parents age, their needs and abilities will change. The level of care that they need may increase, which will affect you.

You can’t put your life entirely on hold while you care for your parents. You may face changes in life as well, such as at work or in your personal relationships.

And as we know, life brings many changes. In the past few years, we have seen bushfires, floods, an international pandemic, and a major increase in cost-of-living. These events had, and still have, monumental impacts on us all.

As the world and our lives change, the needs of this living arrangement between you and your parents will also change.

You should constantly check in with one another. Make a point to regularly ask your parents if they’re okay. Make certain that your home is a safe space for your parents to voice their wants and needs.

It’s likely you’ll need to regularly revisit the points listed above.

Keep a positive attitude and remember that you are making sacrifices for the greater good. It’s only natural that we take care of our aging parents; someday, you’ll be old too, and then it will be your children’s turn to look after you.

 

If you or an older person you know need help on having a healthy relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our free Senior Relationships Mediation Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

Staying Social As You Age

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Did you know that staying socially active as you get older will make you a happier, healthier senior?

Old age leads to certain difficulties that contribute to social isolation and feelings of loneliness. It’s perfectly normal to feel lonely.

If you feel that you have nobody, the thought of socialising or making new friends later in life can be overwhelming. But don’t worry, we are here to assure you that it’s completely possible to get yourself back out there!

In this blog post, we’ll explore why it’s good for you to be socially active in your 60s and older, as well as some ideas and solutions to help you stay social in your older age.

 

Why do I feel lonelier now that I’m older?

You’re not alone in feeling alone. Relationship Australia’s recent study shows that 27.1% of retired Australians feel socially lonely.

Seniors are at increased risk of social isolation due to factors such as limited mobility, impaired senses, and the loss of family and friends. Social isolation is the major cause of feelings of loneliness.

You may be at increased risk of social isolation if you:

  • Live alone
  • Live in a rural or remote area
  • Have limited access to transportation
  • Are retired
  • Are widowed or unmarried
  • Have peers who have passed away
  • Have no children or grandchildren
  • Have busy adult children and grandchildren
  • Struggle financially
  • Have impaired hearing
  • Have impaired vision
  • Have limited mobility or a disability
  • Experience discrimination where you live
  • Face a language barrier where you live

 

How staying socially active benefits your health

Social relationships are central to our wellbeing and critical to our health. When our relationships are strong and plentiful, we can live longer, happier lives.

Research shows that seniors who are more socially involved are at decreased risk for heart disease, illness, high blood pressure, and mental deterioration.

Staying social also benefits your memory, your self-esteem, and your sleep. Socialising contributes to significantly lower rates of dementia, depression, and anxiety.

But how?

Being social engages both our minds and our bodies.

Socialising may include involvement in physical movement and activity, such as taking a seniors’ exercise course or simply getting out of the house. Keeping the body active lowers your risk of heart disease, recurrent falls, and bone fractures or breakages.

Being social is also extremely stimulating for the mind and your mental wellbeing. Being active instead of sitting or lying down naturally boosts your mood. Engaging in conversation, laughing, and smiling simply makes your day so much better, and elevates your self-confidence and overall happiness.

 

Getting back out there in your 60s and over

Getting out there and being social can be really daunting for anyone, regardless of age. Some of the challenges that come with old age can make it harder to be social.

There are quite a few creative solutions to help you become more socially active. Remember, the first step is always the hardest.

Join local groups for older people

It’s very likely that there are at least a few community groups for older people in your area.

For example, fitness groups, such as a walking group or a yoga group, are an excellent way to make friends while keeping your body and your heart healthy.

Relationship Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program (SSCP) is a free service that offers social opportunities for older people in Sunshine Coast and Gympie. The SSCP includes social groups, peer support, healthy lifestyle events, and more with a focus on addressing the factors that contribute to the social isolation of older people.

If you live in another area of Queensland, the Queensland Government offers an expansive list of community groups for older people across the state.

Rekindle old friendships

It’s likely you have lots of former friends, classmates, and colleagues who you’ve naturally drifted apart from. Now would be a great time to reconnect.

Reach out with a phone call or on social media. Make a point of getting together.

The great thing about catching up with old friends is you’ll likely already have a lot in common, and therefore a lot to talk about.

Turn hobbies into friendship opportunities

You may find yourself bored or feeling a lack of purpose in your old age or as a pensioner. But there’s never been a better time to practise your hobbies, or even pick up a new hobby.

Whether it’s music, gardening, or reading that you’re passionate about, there’s surely a local social group that hosts meetups and activities. These groups may or may not be senior-specific. You can find these local groups on Facebook or on Meetup.com.

Get involved with your local religious community

Joining a local faith-based community can provide you with an instant support group while simultaneously providing you spiritual comfort and guidance.

If you already attend a religious service, you can get more involved by going to studies or attending events. Religious communities tend to be very welcoming and supportive of their members.

Call a friend or a relative

Sometimes a simple phone call is all that’s needed to reignite a friendship or a relationship with a family member.

We all know what it’s like to be young and to get so caught up in your own life that you lose touch with a parent, grandparent, or older family member. Sometimes it’s just a matter of not realising how much they mean to you.

Call them, tell them you’re thinking of them, and let them know it would mean a lot to you to spend more time together or have more frequent phone calls.

Say hello to a neighbour

Strike up a conversation or introduce yourself to a neighbour. There are so many benefits to befriending your neighbour, from regular chats to having someone to rely on in case of an emergency.

Studies show that forming friendships with your neighbours can decrease your risk of heart attack.

 

Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected. Seniors in other areas of Queensland can find helpful socialising resources on the Queensland Government website.

If you or an older person you know is lonely or socially isolated, our Senior Relationships Services are here to help. Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Social Connection Program here, or call 1300 063 232 to make an appointment.

 

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Is my partner controlling?

Posted on by admin

Does your partner make you feel guilty, insecure, intimidated, or dependent on them? You could be in a controlling relationship.

A controlling relationship is one where one person uses manipulation and intimidation to create an unequal power dynamic or ‘have the upper hand’ in their relationship.

While it may be harder to identify than physical violence, coercive control is still a dangerous form of domestic abuse – and it’s been criminalised in many Australian states.

It’s not always easy to know whether you’re in a controlling relationship, especially because the person using control will often gaslight their victim into thinking they’re being dramatic or too sensitive.

“Coercive control usually develops gradually over time,” RAQ Clinical Supervisor Angela explains.

“It works by getting you to question your perspective and second-guess yourself. If you question the behaviours, your partner makes you feel it’s your fault you feel uncomfortable, or you’re overreacting.”

Angela explores control in relationships and shares more insights in this blog post, including:

  • Examples of controlling behaviours
  • Reasons people use control in relationships
  • Impacts of control on survivors
  • Advice for people experiencing control in their relationship.

 

Examples of Controlling Behaviours

Coercive control is a form of abuse in and of itself. It can exist on its own without any physical abuse in the relationship, and this may be why it wasn’t legally recognised as abuse until recently. But while it may be harder to identify, coercive control can be just as dangerous and damaging as other forms of abuse.

Coercive control always includes emotional and psychological abuse, and usually creates fear. Over time, it can escalate into physical or lethal forms of abuse, especially if it’s challenged or the controlling person feels they’re losing their control.

In many relationships, it exists alongside physical violence right from the start, and this possibility should always be considered, even if the public face of the controlling person is charming and protective.

These are just some examples of controlling behaviours in a relationship that may or may not be present alongside other forms of abuse (e.g. physical or sexual).

Punishing you when they’re upset – This might include withholding affection, giving you the ‘cold shoulder’, yelling, or talking in a chilling tone if they don’t get their own way.

Checking up on you – Excessively texting or calling you, asking who you’re with and when you’ll be home when you’re out of the house.

Monitoring your activity – Tracking you with apps on your phone, putting surveillance technology on your car, devices or home without your permission and knowledge (stalking).

Isolating you from friends and family – Telling you who you can and can’t speak to, making friends and family uncomfortable when they visit, insisting they join you at social gatherings.

Overactive jealousy and accusations – Making it difficult for you to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex, questioning you about colleagues and assuming you’re having an affair, talking about your behaviour or way of dressing as flirtatious and calling you derogatory names.

Making you feel like you’re on eggshells – Overreacting to differences of opinion you might have, so you start to worry about what you should say and do in their presence.

Regulating your appearance – This could range from making comments such as “That’s a short dress” to outright telling you what you can and can’t wear or how to do your hair or makeup.

Making all the decisions for the household – This might include financial decisions, deciding whether you work or not, whether you can get pregnant or not, what hobbies and activities you can take part in, or insisting on their rules and standards for parenting.

Making you feel incompetent – They might want you to feel like you need them. They might criticise how you do things and take charge, telling you their decisions are for your own good and they know what’s best for you.

Restricting your autonomy – This might include restricting your access to money, transport, or the internet, or discouraging you from working or studying.

Playing pranks or intentionally upsetting you – Doing risky or dangerous activities with you (and/or children, if relevant) and then laughing at your fears.

Regulating your sexual relationship – Determining the type and frequency of sexual activity and calling you names, putting you down or hurting you if you say no.

Gaslighting – Twisting your words or manipulating a situation to get their own way, telling you you’re remembering things wrong and making you question your reality, or telling you you’re overreacting or being dramatic if you get upset by their behaviour.

 

Why do people use control in relationships?

There are many reasons why someone might assert power and control in their relationship, but a lot of the time, controlling behaviour is a result of fear or insecurity.

Rather than using communication and healthy coping skills, a perpetrator might try to control their partner to protect themselves from hurt or rejection. They only feel safe when they can control everything around them, and they lack the empathy to see that the needs of others may also be important.

Angela discusses some of the most common reasons a person may use controlling behaviours here:

Gendered core beliefs – In heterosexual relationships, the male perpetrator may hold what we call ‘gendered core beliefs’. These beliefs belittle women and see men as superior in physical strength and intellect. Men with these beliefs often think they have the right to control and make use of others in a self-serving manner.

A sense of entitlement – Feeling that they’re superior to others and deserve special treatment because of such things as race, gender, intellect, celebrity status, sporting ability, wealth, status in the political or business world, and cultural and religious beliefs. They feel that it’s their right to take or demand what they want and become angry if this is challenged.

A lack of empathy for the impact of their behaviour on their partner and family.

Protecting themselves from perceived threats – This might be a result of mental health issues or past traumatic experiences that resulted in PTSD or complex trauma.

Fear of losing the relationship – This can be due to previous experiences of difficult relationships, previous infidelity in parents or partner, or childhood abuse. They then lack the communication and healthy relationship skills needed to manage their concerns.

Unhealthy societal beliefs – They might believe in social myths such as ‘the right to have sexual needs met’, that ‘women/other genders can’t be trusted’, and that ‘if I feel someone is going to hurt me, I have a right to fight back in whatever way I can.’

Addiction – Some people use controlling or manipulative behaviours in their relationship to protect an addiction that has a hold on their life (e.g. alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn).

Inability to cope – Many perpetrators have a lack of healthy coping skills in managing anxiety, stress, or frustrations, and exerting control is a way to hold onto the lifestyle or people they view as belonging to them.

 

Impacts of Controlling Relationships on Survivors

Controlling behaviours can be intentional or unintentional, but either way they can have a devastating impact on the partner, children, and their relationships. Some of the impacts can include:

  • Reduced self-esteem and confidence
  • Feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, failure, and worthlessness
  • Withdrawal from the people and things you used to enjoy
  • Impacted or lost relationships with friends and family
  • Impacted ability to parent and relationships with children
  • Feeling like you’re constantly living in fear or ‘fight or flight’
  • Becoming short-tempered and irritable with others
  • Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, PTSD
  • Physical health conditions such as poor immunity, illnesses, headaches, stomach aches, or changes in eating and sleeping.

 

Advice for People Experiencing Control in their Relationship

Angela offers a few tips for anyone feeling controlled by their partner.

Confide in someone you trust

Speaking to a trusted friend or family member is particularly important if you feel unsafe at times or worried for yourself or another member of your family.

Be aware that if you’re experiencing controlling behaviour, your children or other vulnerable members of your family (including elderly parents) are also exposed to this behaviour, and it will impact on their lives as well.

Consider acting early

Dealing with issues when you first notice them might not only improve your relationship, but may also help prevent the behaviour from becoming more frequent or severe and reduce the impact on your children’s development.

There may be certain situations where seeking professional help as soon as possible is the safest option.

Is your partner’s behaviour dangerous for you, your dependants, and your mental health? For example, do you and/or your children feel frightened and on eggshells around your partner?

Is your partner unpredictable? Do they have other issues with alcohol or substance abuse, or significant gambling issues?

Does your partner suggest that you have mental health issues, or twist your words to make you question your reality?

If these things are happening, Angela strongly advises you seek counselling or talk a domestic violence service as soon as possible. There are many different support options available, including websites, helplines, and online counselling.

Get support if you plan to separate

If you plan to separate, be prepared with good supports and a safety plan, as well as professional counselling or legal support, or consider the possibility of a Domestic Violence Order.

Be aware that if you’ve protected your children from the worst effects, they may be surprised when you choose to separate. A controlling person can use this against you, so it’s important to prepare your children for separation to help them process these big changes.

It’s also important to remember that controlling behaviour may not stop if you separate – it can even become more severe in different forms. For example, stalking, harassment through your children, trying to turn your children against you, and ongoing family court battles are some of the common controlling behaviours partners can use when their victim decides to leave. This is why it’s so important to get help even if you’re in the early stages of thinking about separating.

Seek professional help

Counselling or therapy can help you get a better understanding of what’s happening. Counselling can be a particularly helpful option to find solutions for your relationship if the control doesn’t cause you fear.

It can help you explore if relationship counselling may be appropriate, or if encouraging  your partner to get counselling or attend a men’s behaviour change group may be useful (if relevant).

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.