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Month: November 2023

What are Glimmers? How to Find Your Moments of Joy

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Your favourite song. A hug from a loved one. The first sip of coffee.

These can all be considered ‘glimmers’ – small moments of joy that boost your mood and make you feel calm.

The term was coined by Deb Dana, a clinical social worker who specialises in complex trauma, and the concept has taken off around the internet and among mental health professionals.

The best part is, glimmers can be found in our everyday lives – we just have to look for them.

“We’re not talking great, big, expansive experiences of joy or safety or connection,” explains Dana.

“These are micro moments that begin to shape our system in very gentle ways.”

We explore the difference between glimmers and triggers, and how to find and embrace your unique glimmers to create calm in your life.

 

Triggers vs. Glimmers

The term ‘glimmers’ is often used alongside the term ‘triggers’.

In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that causes negative emotions and makes you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or distressed.

Feeling triggered isn’t just about being annoyed by something. For someone who’s experienced trauma, being around something that triggers them and reminds them of a traumatic event can make them feel like they’re experiencing it all over again. It can be a signal to the brain that they’re in danger.

While triggers are commonly discussed in the context of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the term can also be used in the context of other mental health conditions, such as anxiety or a substance abuse disorder.

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. They refer to stimulus that makes us feel safe and grateful.

Whether we notice them organically or seek them out when we’re experiencing negative emotions, glimmers can help calm our nervous system and return us to a regulated state.

 

Examples of Glimmers

Glimmers are different for everyone, because the things that make us feel safe and joyful are subjective and unique to us.

Here are just some examples of glimmers:

  • Taking a bath
  • Saying a prayer
  • Seeing a rainbow
  • Hearing birds chirping
  • Patting or cuddling a pet
  • Hearing a child’s laughter
  • Doing something creative
  • Eating your favourite treat
  • Finishing an important task
  • The weight of a cosy blanket
  • The smell of freshly cut grass
  • Feeling sand between your toes
  • Talking to a loved one on the phone
  • Looking at photos of good memories
  • Smelling your partner’s perfume/cologne
  • Hitting all the green lights on the way to work.

 

How to Find Your Glimmers

Focusing on the good and identifying your glimmers can help improve your mood and make you feel more grateful and fulfilled overall.

Some ways to find your glimmers include:

  • Keep a journal or list – Journalling is a great way to keep track of the things that make you feel good throughout the day. Pay attention to what you’re doing, where you are, and who you’re with when you feel your best. This way, you can refer back and repeat – or simply get some good vibes going from the memories alone.
  • Stay connected – Create opportunities to connect with your loved ones, even if it’s just a quick call to share a funny story. Our relationships do wonders for our wellbeing, and they’re often a prime source of glimmers and gratitude.
  • Try new things – Not feeling inspired? Mix things up and try a new hobby or activity. Whether on your own or with a friend, trying new things is a great way to get out of your routine, learn more about yourself, and potentially find a new favourite pastime.
  • Practise gratitude – Before you go to sleep each night, think of three things you’re grateful for that day. These don’t need to be big, lifechanging things. As you can see from our examples above, glimmers can be small, everyday activities. Practising gratitude helps you get in the habit of noticing them more often.

Did you know practising gratitude can reduce stress and improve your immune function? Learn more in our blog post Benefits of Gratitude.

If you’re finding it hard to see the positives at the moment, it could help to talk to someone you trust or seek support from a professional.

Talking to a counsellor can help you work through things in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

What is ageism?

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Have you ever made a judgement about someone because of their age? Or perhaps you’ve felt misunderstood or left out because of your age?

Ageism is defined as negative stereotypes, prejudices, and discrimination against someone based on their age.

While ageism is one of the most common types of discrimination in Australia, the good news is it’s also one of the easiest to shift.

It contributes to older people’s vulnerability to elder abuse, with ageism being present in nearly half of reported elder abuse cases. Ageism can also impact older folks’ human rights and mental and physical wellbeing.

We review some examples of ageism, how it affects older adults, and how we can combat ageism to protect the seniors in our families and communities.

 

Examples of ageism

The World Health Organisation reports one in two people hold ageist views against older people.

So, what does ageism look like in our everyday lives?

Some examples of ageism are:

  • Not including someone because of their age
  • Treating someone differently because of their age
  • Assuming how much support an older person needs
  • Denying someone an opportunity because of their age
  • Deciding on behalf of an older person without consulting them
  • Controlling an older person’s finances because they are “too old.”

Even well-intended words or gestures, such as speaking loudly or assisting someone without asking first, can come across as condescending or patronising.

A study by Human Rights Australia found through ageism-awareness training in workplaces, 90% of participants reconsidered the way they communicate with older people and 82% reconsidered their attitude towards ageing.

“Ageism is one of the most pervasive and tolerated forms of prejudice in Australia, but our research confirms my long-held belief that it’s also one of the easiest to shift.”
-The Hon Dr Kay Patterson AO, Former Age Discrimination Commissioner of Australia

It’s critical to reflect on and reconsider our own views of older people and ageing.

 

How ageism affects older adults

As with any form of discrimination, ageism can have devastating effects on older adults. Ageism is associated with:

  • Declining mental health, especially depression
  • Exclusion, leading to social isolation and loneliness
  • Divide between generations, even within our own families
  • Barriers and obstacles, making resources and opportunities harder to access.

Ageism can create barriers to opportunities for employment, volunteering, medical and legal services, housing, digital inclusion, and community participation.

Learning about ageism is a great first step towards positive change. You can learn more about ageism in Australia on the Every Age Counts website.

 

How we can combat ageism against older people

Together, we can combat ageism against older people so they can live longer, happier lives. You can:

  1. Have respectful conversations
  2. Ask questions instead of assuming
  3. Get to know the older people in your life
  4. Discard ageist prejudices and stereotypes
  5. Be inclusive of the older folks in your communities
  6. Provide ageism awareness training in the workplace
  7. Keep in mind every older person was once your age.

 

If you or an older person you know is experiencing any form of abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

What is emotional intelligence and how can you improve it?

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Emotional intelligence (also known as emotional quotient or EQ) is an important skill for navigating personal and professional relationships.

It refers to the ability to read the emotions of others and understand and manage your own emotions in a healthy way.

Just like general intelligence, EQ varies from person to person.

Developing emotional intelligence can help you build stronger relationships with others. It can also increase your resilience and ability to handle stress and other difficult feelings.

We explore the signs of high and low emotional intelligence and offer some tips to build your EQ here.

 

Signs of Emotional Intelligence

People with emotional intelligence can recognise emotions in themselves and others and use self-control to respond appropriately.

They’re aware of – and care about – how their emotions and moods impact others, and they take steps to avoid causing hurt and to maintain harmonious relationships.

Emotional intelligence is strongly linked to empathy. Emotionally intelligent people can read others, observing social and emotional cues to understand what someone might be feeling underneath.

Some key signs of high emotional intelligence might include:

  • Self-awareness – Knowing your strengths, weaknesses, and triggers
  • Self-control – Ability to regulate emotions and control impulsive behaviours
  • Empathy – Recognising how other people feel and responding appropriately
  • Healthy boundaries – Awareness of your limits, and ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries
  • Respectful communication – Ability to express emotions and needs in a respectful way, as well as listen and consider other perspectives and solutions.

 

Signs of Low Emotional Intelligence

People with low emotional intelligence generally lack self-awareness and self-control. They may appear selfish as they don’t consider how their moods and behaviours impact those around them.

They often miss social and emotional cues and say things that are insensitive and/or inappropriate.

For example, someone with low emotional intelligence might make a joke when a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one. They may also lash out in emotional outbursts when things don’t go their way.

Some key signs of low emotional intelligence might include:

  • Lack of empathy – Inability to understand other people’s feelings or consider their point of view
  • Lack of self-control – Emotional outbursts or mood changes, particularly during conflict or tense situations
  • Fixation on mistakes – Tendency to fixate on mistakes or constructive feedback instead of learning from them and moving on
  • Obliviousness to social cues – Missing social and emotional cues from those around them and potentially responding inappropriately
  • Complaining and negativity – Tendency to complain about an issue without considering solutions, and often finding someone else to blame.

 

Why is emotional intelligence important?

Emotional intelligence helps us understand ourselves and the people around us.

It helps us build relationships, communicate effectively, and navigate conflict respectfully. It can make us great friends, partners, and colleagues as we’re aware of our actions and care about the feelings of those around us.

EQ is a highly sought-after trait in professionals – particularly leaders. Some hiring managers specifically seek emotional intelligence in candidates.

Research shows emotional intelligence can enhance our general quality of life, making us feel more satisfied and rewarded in our personal and professional lives.

 

How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Improving your emotional intelligence can help increase your success at work and in your relationships.

Here are some tips to build your EQ by improving your:

  • Self-awareness
  • Self-control
  • Empathy.

Get to know yourself better

Self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence. Reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and values, and pay attention to your knee-jerk emotional reactions.

Are there particular topics or situations that trigger tough emotions for you? How do your emotions factor into your decisions?

You can learn more about yourself by keeping a journal, monitoring your self-talk or inner monologue, and even asking trusted people for feedback.

Respond intentionally

Our emotions can tell us a lot about ourselves. When we take time to identify them, pause, and respond thoughtfully, we can have healthier interactions and avoid impulsive outbursts.

The more self-aware we are, the more we can recognise when we’re feeling elevated and practise self-control.

You can use self-regulating tactics such as:

  • Considering the ultimate outcome you want and what kind of response would achieve it.
  • Naming the emotion and paying attention to the kinds of thoughts and physical feelings it’s causing in your body.
  • Pausing before responding, whether this involves taking a deep breath or even saying “I just need a moment to get my thoughts together”.

Tune in to the emotions of others

Paying attention to the emotions and needs of the people around us can help us build closer connections. It can strengthen our empathy and make our friends, partners, and colleagues feel seen, understood, and cared about.

When we really listen to the people around us and consider how things might feel in their situation, we can consider an appropriate way to respond.

For example, if you recognise your partner is tired or irritable, you can predict your joke isn’t going to land well. If you notice your friend is less chatty than usual, you might assume they have something on their mind and ask if they want to talk about it.

Improving your emotional intelligence takes time and effort, but your relationships will thank you for it. If you’re finding it tough to get started on your own, talking to a counsellor can help.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

Want to improve your communication skills? You might find our blog post How to Be a Good Listener helpful.

How to Apologise to Someone You Hurt Unintentionally

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No one likes seeing a loved one upset, especially if we’re the cause.

It can be tough to know how to say we’re sorry when our intentions were good. But if you’ve accidentally offended a friend, relative, or partner, it’s important to acknowledge the mistake and let them know they can feel safe around you.

A genuine apology can save a relationship – and an insincere one can make things worse.

We share some advice to apologise sincerely and rebuild trust so your relationship can move forward.

 

Have empathy

Take time to reflect on the situation and consider how it might feel from their perspective.

Understand that your intent does not equal impact, and your loved one is entitled to their feelings – even if they interpreted your words or actions differently than you’d meant them.

Chances are you can remember a time when someone hurt you without meaning to. How did it feel? Did they try to understand your point of view and apologise? Or did they get defensive and make you feel like you were being too sensitive?

 

Take accountability

Accountability is key for a sincere apology.

No genuine apology starts with “I’m sorry you’re upset” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

This doesn’t express regret for your actions or admit you did anything wrong. Instead, it puts the blame on your loved one and invalidates their feelings.

Make sure you use the words “I’m sorry I did/said X” to take accountability for your actions and show you respect their feelings.

 

Be specific

It’s easy enough to say sorry for your actions, but this doesn’t always show that you understand why they were hurtful.

Specify what you’re sorry for and validate your loved one’s reaction.

For example:

“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the dinner. I can see how it made you feel excluded. I should’ve been more considerate.”

 

Don’t make excuses

While it may be tempting to explain what you meant or how they may have misunderstood your intentions, this will likely cause more harm than good.

Avoid slipping any excuses into your apology. Instead, take responsibility for your actions and focus on moving forward.

 

Assure it won’t happen again

It’s important to remember that there may be long-term impacts of your actions, even if your loved one forgives you.

Providing a resolution in your apology can be a huge step to healing the relationship and moving forward faster.

Explain the steps you’ll take to ensure the mistake won’t happen again, and ask your loved one if there’s anything they need from you to help make amends.

 

Saying sorry can be difficult for some people. It might raise feelings of shame, or we might not be comfortable being vulnerable.

If you need support working on these internal obstacles, speaking to a professional counsellor can help.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

If you found this advice helpful, you might like our blog post How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Signs of Unhealthy Communication in a Relationship

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Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce in Australia.

Effective communication is key to a strong and healthy relationship. It allows us to understand ourselves and our partner, build emotional intimacy, and better navigate disagreements.

When communication breaks down, it can result in conflict, misunderstandings, and emotional distance.

We explore some common examples of poor communication and offer advice to improve the communication in your relationship here.

 

Refusing to communicate

A partner might avoid talking about certain topics or talking altogether due to feeling emotionally overwhelmed. They might withdraw and shut down, or even lash out at their partner when they try to discuss an issue, saying things such as:

  • “I’m not talking about this.”
  • “I don’t have to listen to this.”
  • “I’m not in the mood to argue.”

Avoiding communication can create a lack of intimacy and emotional distance in the relationship. It can also leave issues unresolved and lead to resentment.

 

Silent treatment

The silent treatment, cold shoulder, or stonewalling is a refusal to communicate with someone verbally or electronically, often to hint you’re unhappy or as a form of punishment.

For example, say your partner comes home late after a night out. You’re upset they didn’t respond to your texts and were out later than they’d planned. Instead of voicing these concerns, you ignore your partner and walk away when they offer a hug.

The silent treatment is a common tactic among people who aren’t comfortable communicating their needs or who avoid conflict in their relationships.

Not only can the silent treatment damage the connection and trust within your relationship, but it can also be a form of emotional abuse.

 

Passive-aggressive behaviour

Instead of directly addressing an issue, you might use passive-aggressive behaviour to indicate you’re unhappy. This might include sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or ridicule. It can include nonverbal cues such as heavy sighing, groaning, eye-rolling, stomping, or slamming doors.

For example, in a scenario where your partner forgot to take the bin out (again), with healthy communication, you would approach them and say something like:

“I understand you’ve been busy with work, but could you please remember to take the bin out? I’d really appreciate it.”

In a passive-aggressive interaction, you would avoid directly raising your concerns and instead say something like:

“I guess I’ll just take the bin out myself since everyone else is too lazy!”

This behaviour tells your partner you’re upset without seeking an opportunity to connect and find a solution.

 

Interrupting and talking over each other

It’s hard to understand each other’s perspective if you’re constantly interrupting and/or talking over each other.

Conversations – and even disagreements – are an opportunity to learn more about your partner and their inner world. If you’re not listening to your partner with the intent to understand them, but simply with the intent to reply, you’re not going to have a productive conversation.

You’re also likely to feel unheard, misunderstood, and frustrated.

 

Blaming and criticisms

Approaching disagreements with language that blames, shames, or belittles your partner doesn’t create a safe space for a respectful conversation. In fact, it can leave your partner feeling attacked and defensive.

If you’re looking to resolve concerns, it’s always best to approach the situation in a calm manner and take responsibility for your feelings rather than point the finger.

For example, instead of:

“You’re always on your phone. You never pay attention to me.”

You might try:

“I feel like we’re missing out on quality time when you’re on your phone. I’d really like to spend more time talking after work.”

This takes away the blame and focuses on the issue and a solution instead.

 

How to communicate better

The good news is healthy communication skills can be learnt.

We have a selection of helpful articles with advice to improve communication and increase connection in your relationship:

 

If you need some extra help working through issues in your relationship, speaking to a professional counsellor can help. We offer counselling for individuals and couples.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

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Online dating has become a part of many Australians’ lives over recent years.

Data shows 3.2 million Aussies used dating apps in 2022, with most users (26.1%) aged 25 to 34 years.

But as normalised as dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble have become, navigating the online dating world can still feel foreign and awkward for some of us.

We offer some online dating advice with these tips to make the most of dating apps.

 

Find the right app

Sure, it may seem appealing to cast a wide net and spread your eggs across several baskets. But if you’re looking for ‘the one’ on an app that has a reputation for being solely for quick hookups, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Take the time to do some research and ask friends for their thoughts on different dating apps so you can make an informed decision based on what aligns with your preferences.

 

Be honest upfront

Your profile should be an accurate representation of your interests and values – and your appearance.

Being honest and clear about who you are and what you’re looking for will increase the chances of matching and meeting with people you’re actually compatible with.

For example, while it may be tempting to add the obligatory hiking photo, if you don’t genuinely enjoy getting out and hitting the mountains, don’t include one in your profile. Stick with what best represents you and the kind of lifestyle you’d like to share with a significant other.

If you have any non-negotiables or dealbreakers, mentioning these early on can save a lot of time and energy (and potentially an awkward conversation or two).

And while it’s important to include photos that put your best foot forward, make sure they accurately depict how you currently look. If you’re misleading about your appearance, a potential partner may wonder what else you’re not being transparent about.

 

Keep an open mind

Have a strict ‘type’ you tend to go for? It might be time to let it go.

Maybe you exclusively date people with a certain aesthetic or you only go for people who share your love of a particular hobby. Or maybe you intentionally avoid ‘gamers’ or people who have been divorced.

While it’s not uncommon for people to have a type when it comes to dating, this doesn’t mean we always choose the right partner with this lens.

Having a strict type can cause us to unnecessarily limit ourselves and miss our chance with people outside this pool who could have long-term future potential.

Try to be flexible and open to new experiences – you may surprise yourself with the diverse range of interesting people you end up connecting with.

 

Skip the small talk

Small talk has its place, but it can feel generic in the online dating world.

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula to starting the perfect online dating conversation, but asking considered questions based on specific information in their profile is a great place to start.

For example, if they’ve shared a photo of a trip to Italy, ask them what their favourite meal was. If you notice a dog in a photo, ask what its name is.

Not only will this help you stand out from the barrage of “Hey” messages from other admirers, but it will also speed up the process of getting to know each other and finding interesting topics to discuss.

 

Have fun

Dating should be fun, not a chore. If you find yourself getting frustrated or if it feels draining, know when to take a break from the apps.

Don’t force it if you’re not in the right headspace or if your heart isn’t in it.

Remember to check in with yourself and lean on your support network when you need to. Sharing your experiences (good and bad) with people you trust can help you see different perspectives and build resilience.

 

If you need some extra help defining what you want from a partner or working through any relationship insecurities, speaking to a professional counsellor can help.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling services here.

For more dating advice, explore our top 5 green flags to look for in a new relationship.