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Month: February 2024

The Rise of Therapy Speak: Helpful or Harmful?

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Mental health has become a popular topic on social media, helping reduce stigma and increase awareness around conditions like anxiety, depression, ADHD, and autism.

But with this, terms like toxic, triggered, boundaries, and gaslighting have made their way into our everyday vocabulary.

While learning the language around our feelings can help us better identify our experiences and seek help, therapy speak can be harmful if used incorrectly.

We explore the potential risks of using therapy speak, and some of the most misused mental health terms doing the rounds online.

 

What is therapy speak?

Therapy speak refers to words normally used in psychology and relating to mental health.

Some of these phrases and concepts have recently become more common outside of clinical conversations, particularly on TikTok and other social media platforms.

Talking about mental health openly is important, but it’s just as important to understand the phrases and concepts and apply them correctly. This is more likely to positively contribute to shifting attitudes around mental health and seeking help when it’s needed.

 

Risks of Misusing Therapy Speak

Misusing and overusing mental health phrases and concepts can strip them of their true meaning.

Therapy speak can also encourage people to “armchair diagnose” themselves and the people around them of conditions they may not have.

For example, someone who simply likes to have things tidy might say:

“I’m so OCD! I need to make my bed every morning.”

This misconception can minimise and invalidate the experience of someone who has been diagnosed with OCD and understands the true symptoms of this mental health condition.

If you identify with a condition or concept you’ve heard about and want to learn more, you should speak to your GP or mental health care provider.

We explore the dangers of self-diagnosis in this blog post.

 

Commonly Misused Mental Health Terms

These are some of the most misused mental health terms and concepts we’re seeing online.

Narcissist

Narcissism is a rare personality disorder that requires a professional diagnosis.

Because one of the signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a high sense of self-importance, people use the term to label/diagnose someone they feel is selfish or arrogant.

For example:

“She posts so many selfies. She’s such a narcissist.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional and psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates and controls another person by making them second-guess their reality and judgement. It’s most common in romantic relationships and can be present on its own or alongside other abuse, such as physical or verbal.

Someone disagreeing with you doesn’t automatically mean they’re gaslighting you, and misusing this word takes away from survivors’ experiences.

For example:

“My boss doesn’t think I deserve a raise. She’s gaslighting me!”

Triggered

For someone with a history of trauma, a trigger refers to stimuli that reminds them of a traumatic experience and makes them feel like they’re reliving it, causing extreme overwhelm or distress.

Being triggered isn’t just about being upset, stressed out, or rubbed the wrong way by everyday inconveniences, and using the term in this context can minimise its severity for people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

For example:

“This traffic is crazy. I’m so triggered right now.”

Toxic

While toxic isn’t a formal psychological term, in a mental health setting, it’s generally used to describe a person or behaviour that’s destructive and distressing to others.

This word is often overused online to describe any unpleasant or unwanted behaviour.

For example:

“He ate the last Tim Tam. He’s so toxic.”

Boundaries

Personal boundaries allow us to create expectations around what we’re willing and unwilling to engage with and how we’d like to be treated in our relationships. They’re not about controlling someone else’s behaviour but communicating what we’re comfortable with.

Someone not doing what you’d like them to do doesn’t necessarily mean they’re breaking a healthy boundary. In fact, enforcing unreasonable rules in a relationship and justifying them as “boundaries” is controlling and abusive.

For example:

“I don’t like you spending time with your friends without me there. That’s breaking my boundary.”

We explore how to set healthy boundaries in your relationship in this blog post.

Casually throwing around these complex mental health concepts in the wrong context can do more harm than good, and even add to the stigma and shame around mental illness.

 

If you need some extra support with your mental health, talking to a professional counsellor can help.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

How to Deal with a Controlling Partner

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Does your partner use control, manipulation, or intimidation to influence your behaviour?

Control in a relationship can range from telling you what you can and can’t do to more subtle manipulation tactics, such as withholding affection when they don’t get their way.

Because controlling behaviours can be subtle or even disguised as “caring” or “protective”, they can be harder to identify than some other types of abuse.

If your partner uses control in your relationship, you might experience:

  • A lack of privacy and independence in your relationship
  • Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner
  • Feeling like your partner has the “upper hand” in the relationship
  • Second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re just being sensitive.

Coercive control is a dangerous form of domestic abuse and can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Depending on your situation and how safe you feel, these steps can help you address the issue and potentially prevent the behaviour from escalating.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Raise it with your partner (if safe)

If you’ve noticed a pattern of controlling behaviour and feel safe addressing the issue, it can help to raise it with your partner early on.

Here are some tips to help you start the conversation.

Find the right time

Chances are you won’t be in the headspace to discuss heavy topics after a stressful day at work or in the heat of an argument.

Find a time when you’re both feeling calm and can focus on the conversation in an open and productive way.

If you have children, it might help to wait until they’re in bed or out of the house so you can talk without distractions.

Use “I” statements

Coming at your partner with blaming statements can make them defensive right off the bat. Avoid “You” statements like:

  • “You’re so jealous.”
  • “You always have to control everything.”
  • “You text me too much when we’re apart.”

Instead, focus on communicating how you feel in response to your partner’s actions with “I” statements such as:

  • “I feel overwhelmed when you check in on me so often. It distracts me from quality time with my friends.”
  • “I feel upset when you comment on what I wear when I go out. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me or respect my right to wear what I like.”
  • “I feel frustrated when you make decisions on my behalf. I’d like to have more autonomy in matters that impact me.”

Using specific examples and being honest about how you feel can help your partner see your point of view rather than feeling like they’re under attack.

Listen with curiosity

It’s important to give your partner the space to share how they feel.

Listen with curiosity and respect with the intention to understand their point of view. Resist the urge to interrupt or dismiss their perspective, and be mindful of your body language while they’re speaking.

By really listening to each other, you’ll be more likely to come to an understanding and work together on a resolution.

If you don’t feel safe confronting your partner about their behaviour, we encourage you to seek professional advice from a counsellor or a domestic violence support service such as DVConnect or 1800RESPECT.

 

Set reasonable boundaries

Boundaries help us create limits and expectations around what we’re willing and unwilling to engage with in our relationship. They allow us to build healthy, safe connections and avoid resentment.

Some examples of healthy boundaries with a controlling partner might include:

  • “I like to catch up with my friends without distractions. I won’t be available to reply to your texts or answer your calls while I spend time with them.”
  • “My alone time is important to me. I’m happy to keep you updated on what I’m doing, but I’m going to continue engaging in my hobby/interest on my own.”
  • “It’s unacceptable for you to go through my messages/emails. That’s a violation of my privacy, and I need you to stop.”

It’s important to remember there’s a difference between setting a boundary and controlling your partner’s behaviour.

Some examples of control disguised as boundaries might include:

  • “You need to tell me where you are and who you’re with at all times.”
  • “If you wear that outfit out with your friends tonight, I’ll break up with you.”
  • “I don’t want you spending time with people of the opposite sex at work.”

These are some examples of control and not healthy or reasonable boundaries in a relationship.

 

Tell someone you trust

Control is a harmful form of abuse on its own, but it can also be a sign that the abusive behaviour might escalate.

No matter the severity of the behaviour, if something feels off about how your partner’s treating you, having someone to confide in can help you feel supported and less alone.

Controlling partners often aim to isolate their victim from their support network, and this can put you in an unsafe position. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member to tell them your concerns and let them know to keep an eye on you.

It can also be helpful to have a witness should you need to involve the police. You might even like to keep a record of incidents for possible use in future.

 

Seek professional support

A lot of the time, the need to exert control over an intimate partner is a symptom of deeper issues such as low self-esteem, jealousy, and fear of abandonment.

If your partner is open to it, professional counselling can help you identify and address underlying issues that may be causing unhealthy behaviours.

We offer counselling for individuals and couples in a supportive space to help you explore your issues and find solutions for a healthier, happier relationship.

 

Know when to end things (and how to safely do so)

Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationship.

If you’re questioning your relationship or feeling confused about whether to stay or leave, it can help to have a safety plan organised just in case.

Abuse can escalate after a breakup, so it’s important to have some steps in place to keep yourself safe.

We provide advice in our blog post How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship, and our counsellors can help you create a safety plan so you know what to do if you need to leave an unsafe environment in a hurry.

 

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

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Comparison is a normal human behaviour – especially at certain ages and stages of life.

People in their teens and 20s are particularly prone to comparing their path to that of their peers and worrying they’re falling behind.

Maybe you see your friend’s promotion as a sign you’re not progressing fast enough in your own career. Or maybe you can’t scroll past an influencer’s gym pic without wishing you looked the same.

Comparing ourselves to our peers (and strangers on social media) can cause serious damage to our life satisfaction, self-esteem, and mental wellbeing.

We hope these tips help you stop comparing yourself to others so you can better enjoy what you have while working toward what you want.

 

Give yourself a digital reality check

Don’t compare someone else’s highlight reel to your everyday experience.

Social media has become such a normal part of our lives that we sometimes forget to separate it from reality.

It’s easy to get disheartened by a feed full of other people’s biggest wins and best moments. Remind yourself that people generally post their life’s highlights, not the struggles or mundane moments behind the scenes.

 

Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad

If scrolling your socials is leaving you feeling inadequate, it might be time to cull your follow list.

Following aspirational accounts of people living the kind of life you’d love can be inspiring and motivational – to a point. But if you come away feeling worse for it, reconsider your reasons for following.

Do these accounts make you feel positively pushed to work for the things you want? Or do they make you feel resentful and frustrated about your own situation?

Make sure your social media feeds are bringing you more joy than jealousy.

 

Water your own grass

Comparison can distract us from our own goals and self-development.

If you spend more time yearning for someone else’s situation than working on your own, it could help to focus your time and energy into actions that make you feel more fulfilled.

Reflect on what’s important to you in life, the short-term and long-term goals you’d like to achieve, and the steps you can take to get there.

Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control of your circumstances and more excited about your future.

 

Learn to love yourself

Comparison often has us focusing on the things we don’t like about ourselves.

Make a conscious effort to silence your inner critic by:

  • Challenging negative thoughts – Ask yourself if these thoughts are true, or if your mind is just playing tricks on you because you’re upset.
  • Focusing on your strengths – Make a list of all the things you like about yourself and keep it somewhere you can see it every day.
  • Spending time with people who lift you up – Nurture relationships that make you feel good about yourself and reconsider the connections that leave you feeling self-conscious.
  • Treat yourself like a friend – Build self-compassion by talking to yourself like you would a loved one and being gentle on yourself when you make mistakes.

 

Be grateful

Don’t lose gratitude for all the good in your life by comparing it to someone else’s.

Practising daily gratitude isn’t just a passing wellness fad. It’s shown to have plenty of tangible long-term benefits such as increased energy, improved sleep quality, and reduced inflammation.

You can practise gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal or simply mentally listing off three things you’re grateful for each day before you fall asleep.

It’s great to have goals for the future, but don’t forget to be grateful for what you have right now.

 

Humans are social creatures, and some comparison is normal and healthy. But if comparing yourself to others leaves you feeling insecure or resentful, it might be a sign of a deeper issue.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

Does social media have you wishing for a different life? You might find this blog post helpful: Can social media cause anxiety?

Resolving Conflict With Your Adult Child

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When your children grow up, it’s natural for your relationship with them to change.

However, if you’re arguing or experiencing conflict with your grown children, it can feel upsetting. You may feel disrespected or that your wants and needs aren’t being honoured.

In this blog post, we offer some tips on resolving conflict between you and your adult child, as well as how to identify elder abuse.

 

Find a safe time and place to chat

Time and place are critical when having a difficult conversation.

It’s ideal to start the conversation when both of you have enough time so that nobody feels rushed.

Sensitive conversations should be had somewhere private and comfortable for both parties. You may prefer to speak somewhere neutral, like a café or on a park bench, instead of one of your homes.

 

Communicate your feelings

Here are a few tips for healthy, effective communication:

  • Calmly explain how you feel about the situation
  • Aim to resolve the issue, not to be right or to win
  • Actively listen to what the other person has to say
  • Be aware of your nonverbal cues, such as gestures and facial expressions
  • Write down everything you want to say ahead of time to help your chat be more effective
  • Use “I” statements to avoid accusation – “I feel upset…” rather than “You make me upset…”

Here is a resource about positive communication with family members.

 

Exchange perspectives on the situation

Take the time to calmly explain how the conflict is affecting you. Listen and pay attention to your adult child’s point of view, too.

By having an open, honest conversation, you may learn something new about each other and can make headways in resolving your disagreement.

 

Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries establish how you’d like to be treated by others and how much you’re comfortable contributing to a relationship. They protect us emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Boundaries can be based off other people’s behaviours which make you uncomfortable. These behaviours may include unexpected visits to your home, phone calls at inappropriate times, or being asked to borrow money.

Examples of boundaries with adult children may include:

  • Asking them to let you know at least a day before visiting
  • Outlining a schedule of when you’re able to take phone calls
  • Setting a limit on how much you will financially support them.

Compass offers a guide on setting boundaries with adult children and grandchildren.

 

Know your worth

Self-compassion can protect your mental health when you’re in the middle of a conflict with your adult child.

Your value doesn’t change because of your age or because your children are adults now. In fact, age brings many strengths, like wisdom and experience.

Your age is no excuse for someone to treat you differently – the mistreatment of older folks because of their age is called .

 

Attend family mediation

Mediation is a professionally guided meeting which helps families when they are arguing or having problems.

Family mediation provides an opportunity for open, honest conversations in a safe environment under the guidance of a mediator. Families can learn healthy ways to manage disagreements and develop plans to move forward from problems they may be having.

You can learn more about family mediation for older people and their families in our blog post, What is family mediation?.

 

Recognise the signs of elder abuse

If you feel unsafe doing any of the recommended conflict resolution tactics above, it’s important to learn the difference between a typical disagreement and elder abuse.

Adult children of the elderly victim are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse.

You may be experiencing elder abuse if:

  • You are afraid or anxious around your adult child
  • You need to ask permission from your adult child
  • Your adult child is using threats or physical violence against you
  • Your adult child is coercing you into responsibilities like babysitting
  • Your adult child controls your finances or your access to medical care
  • Your adult child is manipulating your relationship with your grandchildren.

You can learn more about abuse against older folks on our Understanding Elder Abuse page. The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is here to support seniors in Queensland.

 

If you or an older person you know are in a conflict with an adult child, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe, supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Relationship Mediation Service here, or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

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