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Is the silent treatment abuse?

It’s natural for communication styles to differ between partners, especially during disagreements.

The way we communicate can be shaped by our upbringing, past experiences in relationships, current emotional state (e.g. juggling the demands of home and work life), and how we think a problem should be handled.

One of the most common yet distressing tactics a partner can use during a disagreement is the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is often used by people who aren’t comfortable directly communicating their feelings, but it can also be used by controlling partners to get what they want.

We explore examples of the silent treatment and how to navigate this tactic for healthier communication in your relationship.

 

What is the silent treatment?

The silent treatment is the absence or withdrawal of communication and emotional connection.

This might be used during or following an argument, or in response to unwanted behaviour, such as a partner taking longer than usual to reply to a text.

Examples of the silent treatment include:

  • Stonewalling – Refusing to communicate by withdrawing from a conversation.
  • Ignoring or being dismissive – Brushing aside concerns and not respecting feelings or needs.
  • Withholding affection – Refusing love and affection when they’re upset or haven’t gotten what they wanted.

These behaviours can be frustrating and painful, with the potential to affect the relationship in the long-term.

The silent treatment can be a subtle yet destructive form of emotional abuse.

By deliberately withdrawing communication and connection, a person seeks to exert control over another. In other words, it’s a form of manipulation or punishment.

This can cause significant, ongoing psychological harm, leaving the recipient feeling isolated, invalidated, unworthy, and desperate for a solution to end the “deafening silence.”

Psychology behind the silent treatment

So, why might someone use the silent treatment in their relationship, and how does this behaviour impact their partner?

For the person engaging in the silent treatment, it may be a way to punish or manipulate in a bid to assert power and superiority.

Alternatively, it may be a result of unresolved anger, fear, or insecurity. In this case, the silent treatment can be a defence mechanism used to avoid confrontation or expose vulnerability.

For example, someone who grew up with parents who used the silent treatment may not have the communication skills to address issues head-on in their own adult relationships.

Research has proven the silent treatment affects the same areas of the brain that process physical pain. Over time, being repeatedly subjected to the silent treatment can chip away at a person’s self-esteem and ability to trust, potentially leading to long-term trauma.

How to cope with the silent treatment

If you’re being subjected to this behaviour, it’s important to recognise that the silent treatment is not a reflection of your worth. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Here are some ways you can navigate the silent treatment respectfully while maintaining your wellbeing:

  • Initiate open and honest communication – If you feel safe to do so, find a time to raise how the behaviour makes you feel. Express your feelings calmly yet assertively, and without judgement. Avoid blame or criticism, and instead, focus on sharing your experience and perspectives with the goal to resolve issues calmly and compassionately.
  • Confide in someone you trust – Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a counsellor who can provide expert guidance to explore potential solutions.
  • Prioritise your self-care – Engage in activities that make you happy. This might be spending quality time with a loved one, practising mindfulness through meditation, journalling, going for a walk in nature, or doing a hobby like dance, painting, or photography.

Alternatives to the silent treatment

The silent treatment may feel like an easy out from conflict, but it can cause serious harm to your partner.

It’s important to foster open communication to maintain the emotional connection and trust in your relationship.

The next time you feel like disengaging with the silent treatment, consider using the following phrases instead:

  • “I’m too upset to talk right now.”
  • “I need some time to put my words together.”
  • “I’d like to discuss this when I’m feeling calm.”
  • “I need some time to think about how I feel.”
  • “Let’s take a break until we can speak kindly.”
  • “I don’t want to say something in the heat of the moment.”

Using these phrases during tense moments lets your partner know you’re not ready to have a conversation without shutting them out or creating distance.

If you need help addressing the silent treatment or nurturing your relationship in general, counselling can help.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer advice about how to manage conflict in a relationship in our blog post How to Deal with a Controlling Partner | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)

Why are Australia’s young people so lonely?

Our young people are experiencing a loneliness epidemic.

In the 2023 annual Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) Survey, Australians aged 15 to 24 reported being the loneliest cohort in the country.

Social isolation and loneliness can have serious impacts on our mental and physical health.

Adolescents and young people especially rely on social connection and peer acceptance for their sense of belonging, self-esteem, and overall happiness.

Loneliness looks different for everyone, and the causes can change from person to person. We explore some of the factors that may be causing loneliness among this age group, and some strategies to overcome it.

 

Social Media and Technology

Surveys show that while other age groups are feeling less lonely than they did at the start of the millennium, Australians aged 15 to 24 have experienced a steady rise in loneliness, particularly since 2008.

Smartphones and social media apps like Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram all gained popularity around this time, and online interactions have commonly substituted face-to-face catchups since.

Growing research shows a clear connection between heavy social media use and feelings of social isolation and loneliness.

People who spend the most time on social media (over two hours each day) have twice the odds of perceived social isolation than those who spend half an hour or less a day on those sites.

While social media and smartphones can be a great tool for keeping in touch, they can also lead to social withdrawal, alienation, and shallow connections.

Online interactions are no substitute for in-person human contact, which is proven to release “happy” chemicals dopamine and oxytocin, and help lower cortisol, the main stress hormone.

 

Cost of Living

The rising cost of living may be to blame for reduced social interactions as young people can’t afford to indulge in recreational activities like they used to.

Some Aussies have reported they’re skipping dining out with friends to stay in and cook instead, while others can’t fit hosting friends at home into their budget anymore.

The cost of necessities like rent, groceries, and petrol have forced many young people to be more selective about the social events they attend. Unfortunately, social withdrawal can be a common side effect of increasing financial pressures.

 

Shallow Connections

Relationships Australia’s 2022 Relationship Indicators Survey revealed almost half (45.9%) of young people aged 18-24 reported feeling emotionally lonely.

Emotional loneliness is different to social loneliness. Social loneliness is the lack of a social network, while emotional loneliness refers to a lack of close emotional connection.

This speaks to the quality of relationships over the quantity.

Experts have found that you don’t have to be alone to experience loneliness, and too many surface-level interactions can make us feel lonely and misunderstood.

Social Scientist Kasley Killam explains:

“Loneliness can arise from not feeling seen, understood, or validated. It can come from spending time with people who don’t share your values or interests. It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections.”

As teenagers and young adults mature and learn who they are, they might find themselves outgrowing their high school friendships and struggling to find people who really “get them” on a deeper level.

Spending time with surface-level friends may leave us feeling even more disconnected than if we’d stayed at home.

 

Hustle Culture

‘Hustle culture’ is the mindset that we should always be working hard to achieve success. It glorifies busyness and tells us our time’s wasted if we’re not using it to tick off our goals.

Productivity and success have become increasingly important values in recent society. This is especially reflected on social media, where influencers and our peers post their highlight reels of accomplishments and aspirational content.

It’s normal for young people to compare themselves to others and experience milestone anxiety as they enter adulthood. But the pressure to be productive and pursue success can push personal relationships down the list of priorities.

 

How can we overcome loneliness?

Research shows loneliness is just as bad for us as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It’s a major risk factor for mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, and it can even increase the risk of heart disease and stroke.

We can overcome loneliness with some effort and small changes, such as:

  • Schedule regular in-person catchups – Find low-effort, low-cost ways to catch up with your loved ones on a regular basis. Locking in a weekly boardgame night or afternoon walk as part of your routine is a great way to take away the mental load of organising your social calendar.
  • Join a social club or class outside the home – Get out of the house (and out of your comfort zone) by joining a social club or hobby group. Whether it’s a sports team, book club, or painting class, this is a fun way to engage in your interests and meet likeminded people.
  • Become friendly with your neighbours – It’s become less common for neighbours to know each other on a first-name basis. But something as simple as a friendly wave at the letter box or an introduction to break the ice can help increase the sense of community and safety on your street.
  • Make your errands a social event – If you struggle to schedule in dedicated social time around your busy life, why not invite a friend to join you on your errands? Catch up while grabbing your produce at the markets, washing your cars, hitting the gym, or studying at the library.
  • Save big news for in person – In a world where posting updates to social media takes precedence, it can be extra special to break big news to your loved ones face to face. This gives you an excuse to catch up and allows you to share your excitement in person, increasing those feel-good connection hormones.

 

If you need help nurturing your relationships or building the confidence to seek new ones, counselling can help.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer advice to find deeper social connections in our blog post How to Find Your Tribe.

How to Set Boundaries with Adult Children

When your children become adults, it’s natural for your roles in each other’s lives to change.

Boundaries are like guidelines that keep our relationships with loved ones balanced, healthy, and safe.

If you’re feeling stress, strain, or dissatisfaction in your relationships with your adult children or grandchildren, it may be time to set some boundaries.

In this blog post, we’ll review signs it’s time to set boundaries, how to set boundaries with your adult children, and examples of healthy family boundaries. We’ll also explore some signs of elder abuse and the support that is available.

 

Signs it’s time to set boundaries with a family member

It might feel harsh to think about setting boundaries, but boundaries can improve your relationship and how you feel about each other.

Setting boundaries is a strong sign of self-respect, self-compassion, and self-advocacy.

It’s common for seniors to feel that their children are overly involved in their lives. Here are some signs that you should consider setting boundaries:

  • You feel controlled in some way
  • You feel used or like you’re being taken advantage of
  • You are exhausted by interactions with your adult child
  • You feel like your personal time and space are being invaded
  • You feel your wants and needs are not being honoured or listened to
  • You feel like they are overly involved in your decisions and lifestyle choices.

 

How to set boundaries with your adult child

It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Here are some tips for talking to your child about your boundaries:

  1. Choose a safe, neutral space to talk, like a café
  2. Maintain a respectful tone of voice
  3. Avoid blaming or accusing
  4. Express your feelings
  5. Explain your boundaries and how you’d like to be treated
  6. Let them know that you appreciate their concern about your wellbeing
  7. Remind them you love them and that boundaries can improve your relationship.

 

Examples of healthy boundaries

Boundaries may be financial, physical, or related to communication or caretaking.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries to set with your adult child:

  • “I don’t need you to be with me all the time.”
  • “I’m capable of managing my own finances.”
  • “Please don’t call during dinner or after 8pm.”
  • “I’m not available for childminding every day.”
  • “Please only give me your advice when I ask for it.”
  • “I would like to have multiple Powers of Attorney.”
  • “I’m not able to financially support you as much as I used to.”
  • “I’d like us to write out our financial contributions to the household.”
  • “I want to live in my own home and I’m not ready to live in aged care yet.”
  • “Please only visit me when you give me at least one day’s notice in advance.”

 

Is it elder abuse?

Every family has its issues sometimes; disagreements are normal. But it’s important to be aware of signs for when the situation is becoming abusive.

Unfortunately, adult children are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse. Here are some common behaviours of elder abuse:

  • You have to ask them permission for basic things
  • They control your time and communication with others
  • They seem to hover around you when you’re with others
  • They restrict your access to your car, phone, or other independence
  • They keep you from your friends, other family members, or organisations
  • They fail to provide you with necessities like food, medical care, and air con.

It might feel scary when your own child is the one abusing you, especially if you depend on them.

Sometimes elder abuse is unintentional and can stem from their own issues. However, whether it’s on purpose or not, abuse is never okay.

Everyone, regardless of age, deserves to feel safe with their family. Learn more about the signs of elder abuse.

 

Support is available

The Senior Relationship Mediation Services (SRMS) can help you resolve family arguments, set boundaries, and find a clear path to move forward in a healthy relationship with your adult child. The SRMS is a free service which prioritises the wellbeing of the older person and helps your family establish a way forward in a safe environment.

If you’re worried you may be experiencing elder abuse, the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Services (EAPSS) provides free counselling and safety resources for seniors. EAPSS is a free service which offers individualised support, case management, and referrals for older folks in Queensland.

You can connect with the Senior Relationship Services at 1300 063 232.

 

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