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Month: July 2024

What is the ‘Ben Franklin effect’?

Posted on by admin

Often in relationships, we can shy away from asking someone to do us a favour, even when we really need the help.

This may be because we don’t want to be a burden or come off as annoying. We might be worried about being rejected, or even just feel uncomfortable asking someone for help.

But what if reaching out for help made your relationship stronger? Would you be more comfortable asking someone for a favour if you knew it would bring you closer?

That’s exactly what the Ben Franklin effect says will happen.

 

How does the ‘Ben Franklin effect’ work?

The Ben Franklin effect is when someone forms positive feelings towards you because you asked them for a favour. This is because our brains tell us that we help people because we like them.

The Ben Franklin effect can’t make someone go from disliking you to liking you, but it can help strengthen bonds, build trust, and create relationships where everyone is comfortable asking for and receiving help.

Your motivations and your actions are the biggest players in how someone feels about you. But there are times that you can keep the Ben Franklin effect in mind, and allow it to help you authentically strengthen relationships.

 

Examples of When to Use It

The best way to use this to genuinely strengthen a relationship is to ensure:

  • The favour you’re asking for is small or unintrusive
  • You genuinely would benefit from the favour (showing you’re authentic in your actions)
  • You can show genuine appreciation for their kindness, and possibly even reciprocate it.

Knowing how to do this the right way is tricky, so here are some opportunities:

  • Ask to borrow a book to read.
  • Ask for help with a small DIY project.
  • Ask for the recipe of something they’ve cooked for you.
  • Ask for some recommendations, whether that’s food, a movie, or a new activity to try out.
  • Ask them to come with you to a social event.
  • Ask them to join you in learning something new, like a cooking class or a new fitness activity.

These favours create opportunities for meaningful acts, whether that is making someone feel like you value their opinions, collaborating on a task together, or presenting an opportunity to bond.

The Ben Franklin effect isn’t about benefiting yourself – it’s about bringing you and someone you care about closer together.

 

How many favours are too many?

Knowing that asking for a favour can help a relationship (rather than strain it) is great, especially when you may have previously shied away from asking for help.

But it’s important to remember that this isn’t a tool that works to manipulate people, and it won’t stack over time.

Intention is everything, and if you aren’t sincere in your actions, there won’t be any benefit.

Asking someone to repeatedly pick something up that you keep dropping, just for the sake of asking for a favour, will naturally cause more strain than gain.

So, the question shouldn’t be about how many favours are too many, because you might also have a valid reason to ask for help. Instead, you should just try and stay honest, authentic and appreciative of the other person. That’s the sweet spot.

 

How else can I strengthen my relationships?

The Ben Franklin effect is just one of many, many tools you can use when wanting to nurture any of your relationships.

Knowing your attachment style is another way you can foster more secure bonds and help you understand yourself in relationships. We explore attachment styles in relationships here.

If you’re looking to heal, build, and strengthen your relationships, our counsellors can assist you in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

 

Friendships are a key ingredient to our happiness and wellbeing, so maintaining them while in a relationship is important. Learn more about the Importance of Friends here.

Why do people cheat?

Posted on by admin

It’s normal to look for answers when your partner has been unfaithful.

You might ask yourself what you did or what you could’ve done to prevent this from happening.

But it’s important to remember the responsibility lies with the person who cheated, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, affairs are more common than you’d think. An estimated 60% of men and 45% of women have had an affair within their marriage.

We explore some common reasons why people cheat on their partners – even in seemingly happy relationships.

 

Sexually Addictive Behaviour

In some cases, cheating can be a result of sexually addictive or compulsive behaviours.

While there’s no excuse for infidelity within a monogamous relationship, sexually addictive behaviours and mental health conditions such as histrionic personality disorder may drive people to seek sexual and/or emotional intimacy outside their relationship.

 

Feeling Disconnected or Unloved

Cheating isn’t always about filling unmet physical needs. Some people seek emotional intimacy outside their relationship when they’re feeling disconnected from or neglected by their partner.

This might manifest as a physical affair or solely as an emotional affair, where they develop a romantic bond that doesn’t involve sexual relations. This type of infidelity can happen in person, online, or over the phone.

In some cases, the two people may never even meet in person. But emotional cheating can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.

 

A Fear of Commitment

The thought of committing to one person can bring feelings of stress, pressure, and doubt for some people, even in a happy relationship.

Some people may cheat as a ‘last hurrah’ or due to ‘cold feet’ prior to getting married.

 

Their Own Self-Esteem or Self-Worth

Some people seek sexual attention as a form of validation or an ego boost. This can be particularly true for people who are insecure and have low self-esteem.

They might rely on people outside their relationship to make them feel attractive and desirable. This can be true for people who don’t feel validated in this way by their partner, but also in relationships that are full of affection and sexual activity.

Cheating is often a reflection of their insecurities, and no amount of attention and affection from their partner would prevent them from seeking more elsewhere. In these cases, the short-term self-gratification from cheating is more important than the long-term goal of maintaining their relationship.

 

As a Way to End the Relationship

Some people find it difficult to address issues with their partner and may use cheating as an escape or a way to ‘sabotage’ the relationship.

This may be due to an avoidant attachment style, commitment issues, or dissatisfaction in the relationship that they’re unwilling to work on. Cheating might be their way to drive their partner away and end things without having to initiate a difficult breakup conversation.

 

Why else would happy people cheat?

There are many reasons why people might seek romantic or sexual attention outside their relationship, and this can vary from person to person. The person who had the affair may not even have the answers themselves.

If you need some extra support following infidelity, our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental space. We also provide relationship counselling for couples looking to repair after infidelity.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

 

If your partner has cheated, you can find advice on how to focus on yourself, and to build your self-esteem here.