Month: August 2024

Grandparent alienation is when grandparents are unreasonably denied the opportunity to see and communicate with their grandchildren.

The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is irreplaceable – understandably, it hurts when you’re prevented from seeing or talking to them. A rocky relationship with your adult child or whoever is causing the alienation can add to the distress.

In this article, we share advice on what you can do if you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and briefly discuss grandparent rights in Queensland.

 

Behaviours of grandparent alienation

Sustained grandparent alienation is a form of elder abuse. Adult children are usually the perpetrators of grandparent alienation.

Behaviours of grandparent alienation include:

• Banning communication
• Preventing spending time together
• Leaving grandparents out of family events
• Threatening to cut contact with grandchildren
• Controlling or limiting contact with grandchildren
• Restricting important information regarding grandchildren
• Talking poorly about the grandparents in front of grandchildren
• Intentionally making it difficult for grandparents to see grandchildren
• Only allowing spending time together under the guise of childminding
• Withholding access to grandchildren unless financial support is provided
• Using contact with the grandchildren as a bargaining tool for financial support
• Withholding contact and visits unless the grandparents provide support (this is called coercive control).

It’s important to consider that not all situations point to grandparent alienation. For example, parents seeking a period of alone time with a newborn baby is a special circumstance – it doesn’t necessarily indicate that they’re intentionally separating you from your grandchild.

 

What to do when you’re experiencing grandparent alienation

This form of elder abuse can be distressing, and you might feel like you don’t know what to do.

Every situation is different. But moving forward is possible, even when it may not seem like it.

Your conflict resolution plan may include:

Making amends on your own

Usually, people prefer to come to an agreement themselves before seeking professional or legal intervention.

An open, honest conversation can have a huge impact. Establish a safe time and place to have this talk. Honesty, empathy, active listening, taking accountability, and a willingness to compromise are building blocks of effective communication.

We share more advice on resolving conflict with your adult child here.

Leaving the grandchildren out of it

Though grandparent alienation directly concerns your grandchildren, it’s best not to get them caught up in this disagreement.

We recommend avoiding criticising or talking badly about the parents to your grandchildren.

Attending family mediation

Mediation is a professionally guided meeting that allows families to resolve conflict and agree upon a solution to move forward together. Mediation is a safe space that encourages healthy communication.

Attending mediation allows grandparents to be able to apply for parenting orders.

The Senior Relationship Mediation Service (SRMS) is a free service for seniors and their families in Queensland. The SRMS can intervene and provide support and referrals in cases of elder abuse. To learn more, contact the SRMS at 1300 062 232.

 

Grandparent rights and family law in Queensland

Healthy, respectful grandparent-grandchild relationships can benefit the whole family. Australian family law recognises the importance of children’s relationship with their grandparents. 

Grandparents can apply for a parenting order through a family law court. This means that a family law court can order for a child to live, spend time with, and/or communicate with a grandparent, provided it’s in the child’s best interest.

Grandparents cannot apply for parenting orders through the family law court unless they have tried mediation.

You can learn more about grandparent rights and options on the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia website.

 

Coping with grandparent alienation and elder abuse

If you don’t feel safe in having a conversation or making amends on your own, you may be experiencing elder abuse.

It’s critical to lean on your support networks and to look after yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and have self-compassion. Remind yourself that being abused is unacceptable – no one deserves it. The way others treat you is not a reflection of your worth.

Know the signs of elder abuse and stay connected with other family members and friends.

We provide more advice on how to cope with abusive adult children here.

 

Support is available

If you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and are concerned about elder abuse, support is available.

The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) assists older Queenslanders and prioritises their rights, safety, and wellbeing. EAPSS provides counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services. Call 1300 062 232 to learn more.

Conflict with our children can happen at all ages and stages of life.

When your children were kids, it was easier to resolve arguments – it’s likely that you lived under the same roof and your child relied on you. But now that your children are grown, it might be harder to navigate disagreements.

An argument, disagreement, or even a cut of contact with your adult child can be especially painful.

We offer some advice on how to repair your relationship with your adult child and move forward with a healthy parent-child relationship.

 

Listen with the goal of understanding

A heart-to-heart could be exactly what you both need. Demonstrating understanding and empathy is the first step to resolving a disagreement.

Ask about their side of the situation. Listen with the goal of understanding instead of “listening to respond.” Consider your child’s experiences, current situation, and why they might feel the way they do.

By asking questions and actively listening, you might learn something new about your child that can help you understand them even better.

 

Acknowledge

Acknowledge and take accountability for what’s happened. Talking about the situation is also a good opportunity to share your own perspective and feelings.

By taking responsibility, you demonstrate maturity, self-awareness, and a willingness to move forward.

If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, take this opportunity to acknowledge how your actions affected them.

 

Apologise

When someone is upset with you, sometimes all it takes is saying sorry. A genuine apology can go a long way.

Maybe you’ve accidentally hurt your child’s feelings. Even if what you did was unintentional, apologising can help mend the wound.

Here’s some more advice on how to apologise to someone you’ve hurt unintentionally.

 

Put in the effort

An apology is always more meaningful when you also show an effort to make changes moving forward.

Reassure your child that you’re making changes so this won’t happen again.

 

Rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time and practice – don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remain patient, gentle, and empathetic.

Take opportunities to earn back your trust with them – follow through on your promises, back up your word with corresponding action, and show genuine effort.

 

Establish boundaries

Boundaries are like guidelines which keep our relationships happy and healthy. They provide balance and make sure others aren’t overstepping or making us feel uncomfortable.

Establishing boundaries is a positive step to building healthy, mutually respectful relationships.

We provide a guide to setting boundaries with your adult child here.

 

Respect their boundaries

Just as you have boundaries, it’s important to let your child set boundaries, too.

When your child was young, their boundaries are likely to have been different than they are now. For example, they may wish for more independence, space, or privacy. It’s important understand shifting boundaries as your child gets older and goes through different stages of life.

Asking someone about their boundaries is an indicator of respect. Once they’ve communicated their boundaries to you, it’s critical to accept and respect those boundaries.

 

Know the signs of elder abuse

Family conflict is normal from time to time. But it’s critical to understand the differences between a normal argument and abuse.

Elder abuse is abuse which occurs against seniors. In Australia, adult children of the victim are the most common perpetrators.

You can learn more about the signs of elder abuse here.

 

Try family mediation

It can be useful to have an outsider’s perspective on a family conflict.

Family mediation is a meeting guided by a professional mediator who helps the family reach a mutually agreed solution and a way to move forward. The mediator provides expertise and insight while supporting you to safely discuss difficult issues.

There’s no shame in attending family mediation – in fact, it’s a positive sign of how much you care about each other.

 

 

Support is available

Are you having a conflict with a family member, and don’t know what to do? Family mediation can help resolve conflict and make plans to move forward in a safe, supportive environment under professional guidance.

You can contact the Senior Relationship Mediation Service and make an appointment at 1300 062 232

We offer more advice on healthy relationships with your adult children here.