Subtle Controlling Behaviour in Relationships

Controlling behaviour can range from directly telling someone what they can and can’t do, to more subtle methods, such as giving you the silent treatment if they don’t get their own way.

Controlling behaviours may even be disguised as ‘caring’. For example, your partner might demand to know where you are and who you’re with at all times and say it’s just because they care about you.

This is an example of coercive control, which is a form of abuse that has become illegal in some states in Australia, and is set to become illegal in Queensland by 2025.

Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.

Manipulative and controlling behaviour can be especially harmful as it can be difficult to ‘prove’ and easy for the perpetrator to gaslight their victim into thinking they’re just being dramatic or too sensitive.

This blog post will explore some of the more subtle controlling behaviours and advice if you’re living with control in your relationship.

 

Using the silent treatment or withholding affection

The silent treatment can be used by people who don’t know how to express their feelings or are uncomfortable with conflict. But it can also be used as a form of punishment and control in abusive relationships.

A controlling partner might withhold their affection or give you the cold shoulder as a way to influence or control your behaviour if they don’t get their own way.

The silent treatment can damage emotional intimacy and the ability to communicate in a healthy way.

If you’re upset with your partner but don’t feel like talking, try saying this instead of ignoring them:

• “I’m feeling too upset to talk right now.”
• “I need some time to put my words together.”
• “Let’s talk about it when we’re both feeling calm.”
• “I don’t want to say something that I’ll regret.”

 

Policing your appearance

This might include comments about what you wear, what you eat, or how you should present yourself in order to control your decisions around your appearance.

While some forms of policing your appearance are clear and direct, others may be more passive aggressive and subtle. For example:

• “That’s a very tight dress.”
• “Who are you all dressed up for?”
• “Maybe you should have a salad instead.”
• “You’re eating another slice of pizza?”

These are just some examples of more indirect comments used to control your decisions around your body and appearance. It doesn’t have to be a direct command to be controlling.

 

Convincing you your friends are flawed

A controlling partner will often try to isolate their victim from their support network.

Telling you who you can and can’t see or speak to is an obvious way to do this. But a more subtle controlling behaviour is trying to sway your opinion of a loved one by talking negatively about them.

They might plant seeds of doubt by exaggerating a friend’s negative trait. For example, if you have a friend that is consistently late to social plans, a controlling partner might focus on this and try to convince you that friend is rude or doesn’t really care about you and isn’t worth your time.

 

Making it hard for you to be friends with people of the opposite sex

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in a controlling relationship, the abuser might make it hard to form or maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your sexuality, of course).

They might monitor your social media contacts and question why you’re friends with a certain person, or accuse you of flirting with a co-worker they don’t want you spending time with.

Controlling partners often act jealous and possessive to reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world – particularly with people who may be potential threats.

 

Insisting on going everywhere with you

It’s healthy and normal for individuals in a relationship to maintain their friendships and hobbies outside of the relationship and separate to their partner.

A controlling partner might insist on attending every social event with you or joining you whenever you leave the house, whether it’s to the gym or to your local café. Or they might guilt you for leaving them at home all by themselves.

These behaviours indicate jealousy, possessiveness, and a lack of trust, and the objective is usually to control and monitor your behaviour and other relationships.

 

Insults disguised as jokes

A controlling partner might aim to slowly chip away at their victim’s self-esteem in order to gain control over them and prevent them from leaving the relationship.

This might include criticising how you do things, calling you names, putting you down, or saying you’d be lost without them – even if they claim they’re “only joking”.

Many abusers will belittle their victim under the disguise of banter and then blame their partner for not being able to take a joke.

 

What to do if you’re in a controlling relationship

If you’re the target of coercive control, you might experience:

• Confusion around where you stand in your relationship
• Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner
• Second-guessing yourself and whether you’re just being sensitive
• Damaged confidence and self-identity
• Fear of being without your partner.

Not every relationship involving control and manipulation is doomed. This depends on the level of abuse and whether you feel safe. If you feel safe to do so, attending relationship counselling can help you explore your issues and find strategies for a healthier dynamic.

If the person using control is open to it, individual counselling can help them reflect on why they use control and address any underlying issues that may be present for them.

We offer counselling for individuals and couples in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

You can learn more about why people use control in relationships and the impacts of control on survivors in our blog post Is my partner controlling?