Is the silent treatment abuse?

It’s natural for communication styles to differ between partners, especially during disagreements.

The way we communicate can be shaped by our upbringing, past experiences in relationships, current emotional state (e.g. juggling the demands of home and work life), and how we think a problem should be handled.

One of the most common yet distressing tactics a partner can use during a disagreement is the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is often used by people who aren’t comfortable directly communicating their feelings, but it can also be used by controlling partners to get what they want.

We explore examples of the silent treatment and how to navigate this tactic for healthier communication in your relationship.

What is the silent treatment?

The silent treatment is the absence or withdrawal of communication and emotional connection.

This might be used during or following an argument, or in response to unwanted behaviour, such as a partner taking longer than usual to reply to a text.

Examples of the silent treatment include:

• Stonewalling – Refusing to communicate by withdrawing from a conversation.
• Ignoring or being dismissive – Brushing aside concerns and not respecting feelings or needs.
• Withholding affection – Refusing love and affection when they’re upset or haven’t gotten what they wanted.

These behaviours can be frustrating and painful, with the potential to affect the relationship in the long-term.

The silent treatment can be a subtle yet destructive form of emotional abuse.

By deliberately withdrawing communication and connection, a person seeks to exert control over another. In other words, it’s a form of manipulation or punishment.

This can cause significant, ongoing psychological harm, leaving the recipient feeling isolated, invalidated, unworthy, and desperate for a solution to end the “deafening silence.”

Psychology behind the silent treatment

So, why might someone use the silent treatment in their relationship, and how does this behaviour impact their partner?

For the person engaging in the silent treatment, it may be a way to punish or manipulate in a bid to assert power and superiority.

Alternatively, it may be a result of unresolved anger, fear, or insecurity. In this case, the silent treatment can be a defence mechanism used to avoid confrontation or expose vulnerability.

For example, someone who grew up with parents who used the silent treatment may not have the communication skills to address issues head-on in their own adult relationships.

Research has proven the silent treatment affects the same areas of the brain that process physical pain. Over time, being repeatedly subjected to the silent treatment can chip away at a person’s self-esteem and ability to trust, potentially leading to long-term trauma.

How to cope with the silent treatment

If you’re being subjected to this behaviour, it’s important to recognise that the silent treatment is not a reflection of your worth. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Here are some ways you can navigate the silent treatment respectfully while maintaining your wellbeing:

• Initiate open and honest communication – If you feel safe to do so, find a time to raise how the behaviour makes you feel. Express your feelings calmly yet assertively, and without judgement. Avoid blame or criticism, and instead, focus on sharing your experience and perspectives with the goal to resolve issues calmly and compassionately.
• Confide in someone you trust – Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a counsellor who can provide expert guidance to explore potential solutions.
• Prioritise your self-care – Engage in activities that make you happy. This might be spending quality time with a loved one, practising mindfulness through meditation, journalling, going for a walk in nature, or doing a hobby like dance, painting, or photography.

Alternatives to the silent treatment

The silent treatment may feel like an easy out from conflict, but it can cause serious harm to your partner.

It’s important to foster open communication to maintain the emotional connection and trust in your relationship.

The next time you feel like disengaging with the silent treatment, consider using the following phrases instead:

• “I’m too upset to talk right now.”
• “I need some time to put my words together.”
• “I’d like to discuss this when I’m feeling calm.”
• “I need some time to think about how I feel.”
• “Let’s take a break until we can speak kindly.”
• “I don’t want to say something in the heat of the moment.”

Using these phrases during tense moments lets your partner know you’re not ready to have a conversation without shutting them out or creating distance.

If you need help addressing the silent treatment or nurturing your relationship in general, counselling can help.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer advice about how to manage conflict in a relationship in our blog post How to Deal with a Controlling Partner | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)