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What is compassion fatigue?

Posted on by admin

Compassion and empathy are important for connecting and building relationships. 

While these are admirable qualities, expressing them too often or too much can take a toll on your own wellbeing. 

Compassion fatigue – also known as empathy burnout – describes the negative physical, emotional, and psychological impact that can come from continually helping others in need. 

This type of emotional exhaustion is common in roles that involve frequently being exposed to stress and/or trauma, such as victim and mental health services, law enforcement, and emergency services.  

Compassion fatigue can also show up in empathetic people with a caring and generous nature, such as those with a strong sense of social justice, or those whose family and friends consistently rely on them for support and advice. 

Whether you experience vicarious trauma through your job or you often play the role of ‘therapist’ for your loved ones, empathy burnout can have serious impacts on your mental health and your relationships. 

We explore the signs of compassion fatigue and offer some advice to manage and prevent it. 

 

Compassion Fatigue Symptoms 

Compassion fatigue or empathy burnout can look different for everyone. These are just some of the common signs and impacts: 

  • Apathy – A decline in feelings of sympathy, empathy, care, and compassion 
  • Detachment – Becoming emotionally detached and/or feeling a sense of numbness 
  • Social withdrawal – Withdrawal and isolation from social connections and interactions 
  • Mood swings – Sudden drastic shifts in emotions, including becoming irritable and quick to anger 
  • Cynicism and despair – Frequently witnessing other people’s suffering can create negative attitudes and scepticism toward people, society, and the state of the world 
  • Hopelessness and helplessness – Feeling like your actions have no impact on others and things will never get better 
  • Diminished sense of fulfilment in helping others – Someone who normally enjoys helping other people may no longer get this sense of fulfilment and may even grow resentful 
  • Mental health conditions – Compassion fatigue can lead to or exacerbate stress-related conditions such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) 
  • Self-medicating – Compassion fatigue can make you vulnerable to addictive behaviours and substance abuse used to relieve personal pain 
  • Physical symptoms – This might include physical exhaustion and fatigue, changes in appetite, changes in sleep, digestive issues, and headaches. 

 

How to Deal with Compassion Fatigue 

Much like any form of stress or burnout, compassion fatigue is best managed with early intervention. 

This can be particularly true for compassion fatigue caused by secondary trauma and distressing events through work. If left ignored, this can lead to more serious mental health issues like PTSD. 

These strategies and self-care measures may help you manage symptoms and prevent further burnout. 

Set boundaries 

You can still be a generous and caring person and have limits on how much you’re able to support others. 

If you’re feeling drained from the emotional energy you give to your clients/patients, loved ones, or the causes you care about, it might be time to clarify your personal boundaries. 

If your occupation is causing your compassion fatigue, boundaries might include: 

  • Taking a break from work, ideally for a relaxing holiday 
  • Setting a time limit on how long you discuss work issues with your partner or loved ones 
  • Separating your work and personal lives by turning off your emails and work phone out of hours 
  • Talking to your manager about changing your assignment or client/patient where appropriate (even if temporarily) 
  • Talking to your manager about accessing and/or increasing employee support options such as supervision and debriefing. 

If emotionally supporting your loved ones is causing your compassion fatigue, boundaries might include: 

  • Communicating your emotional capacity before catching up, e.g. “I’ve got a bit on my plate at the moment, so I’d love if we can keep this catchup light and fun.” 
  • Setting clear time limits on how long you can discuss their issues, e.g. “I’ve had a big workday, but I’ll have half an hour to chat about your breakup if you’d like to talk at 7pm?” 
  • Expressing that you’re limited in your abilities to support them and encouraging them to seek support from other resources, such as a professional counsellor, e.g. “I’m always here for you, but I don’t have the skills or ability to support you through this. Have you considered seeing a counsellor?” 

And if advocating for social change is causing your compassion fatigue, boundaries might include: 

  • Limiting your exposure to distressing news and content 
  • Avoiding distressing or upsetting content before bedtime 
  • Spending more time with friends outside your advocacy networks 
  • Taking a break from activism, including posting online or attending rallies/events in person. 

Prioritise self-care 

People who suffer from compassion fatigue or empathy burnout often put others before themselves. But just as we’re taught to fit our own oxygen mask first on a plane, we can’t support the people around us if our needs aren’t met first. 

Self-care looks different for everyone, but some simple habits to introduce might include: 

  • Getting enough sleep 
  • Eating balanced meals 
  • Avoiding alcohol and substances 
  • Talking to people you trust about how you’re feeling 
  • Dedicating time to relaxation (e.g. reading, meditating, going for a walk, listening to music, or simply sitting in silence with a tea or coffee) 
  • Engaging in a hobby or group that evokes feelings of positivity and gratitude (e.g. gardening, book club, painting class, or learning an instrument). 

Seek professional support 

If you’re experiencing symptoms of compassion fatigue or simply don’t feel like yourself lately, we recommend reaching out to your GP and/or mental health professional as soon as possible. 

Speaking to a professional counsellor can be a great way to unpack your thoughts and feelings in a safe and supportive environment. Our counsellors can help you explore your concerns and find healthy coping strategies to protect your mental health and wellbeing. 

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277_to make an appointment. 

 

Some of our RAQ practitioners offer advice to look after yourself if you’re feeling overwhelmed or burnt out in this blog post.<sp

Consequences of ignoring your mental health

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Mental health is being discussed publicly more than ever before. This is helping to raise awareness about the importance of looking after your emotional and psychological wellbeing, and reducing stigma around mental illness. 

Mental health isn’t a buzzword or passing fad – it’s a reality for every one of us. 

We all have mental health, and just like our physical health, there are things we can do to support it or damage it. If we ignore our mental health, we can suffer in many areas of life. 

In this blog post, we’re going to explore: 

  • The difference between mental health and mental illness 
  • Why it’s important to prioritise our mental health, even if we don’t have mental illness 
  • Simple ways to promote positive mental health. 

We hope this helps you better understand and prioritise your mental health and wellbeing. 

 

Mental Health vs. Mental Illness 

Everyone has mental health, but not everyone has mental illness. 

When we talk about mental health, we’re referring to our state of mind and how we think, feel, behave, and interact with the world and people around us. 

Our mental health can shift from good to bad depending on what’s happening in our lives. It’s normal for our mental health to fluctuate through life’s ups and downs, even if we don’t have mental illness. 

For example, we might feel stressed, less patient, and more reactive after a busy day at work. Or we might feel more positive, calm, and energetic after a fun weekend with friends. 

When we talk about mental illness, we’re referring to the presence of mental health conditions or disorders such as anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, schizophrenia, and other mental health diagnoses. 

While not everyone has mental illness, it is extremely common. Research shows around 1 in 5 Australians experience mental illness in any given year. 

Whether you have mental illness or not, ignoring your mental health can exacerbate negative symptoms and make it harder for you to cope. 

Early intervention can play a huge part in successful management of mental health and mental illness. 

 

What happens when we ignore our mental health 

So why is looking after our mental health important, even if we don’t have a mental health condition? 

Being mentally healthy can benefit all areas of our life such as school or work, our relationships, our self-esteem, and our general sense of happiness and life satisfaction.  

If we don’t make an effort to maintain our mental wellness, or we ignore signs that we’re struggling, this can negatively impact us and the people around us. 

Some potential consequences of ignoring your mental health include: 

  • Unstable moods 
  • Impaired self-esteem 
  • Impaired relationships 
  • Increased risk of mental illness 
  • Increased risk of physical illness
  • Reduced energy and motivation
  • Issues with sleep and/or appetite
  • Issues with concentration and focus
  • Reduced school or work performance. 

These are just some possible impacts of ignoring your mental health, especially if you’re ignoring symptoms of poor mental health or mental illness. 

 

How to look after your mental health 

It’s important to remember that your mental health is like your physical health; it needs ongoing attention. 

Going to the gym once isn’t going to give you long-term fitness, just as doing one meditation or taking one day off isn’t going to give you long-term mental wellness. 

Maintaining your mental health is a lifelong commitment. 

There are several lifestyle factors that can support positive mental health, such as: 

Personal attributes 

Certain characteristics such as having a positive outlook, problem-solving skills, positive self-image, and the ability to cope in stressful events all contribute to our mental health. 

If you don’t feel like you have these traits, the good news is that you can work on developing them. Speaking to a counsellor can help you gain the insights and skills to better manage your mental health. 

We offer advice to stop sweating the small stuff in this blog post. 

Healthy lifestyle factors 

Looking after yourself physically is a great first step to support your mental health. 

Some healthy behaviours include: 

  • Eating a balanced diet 
  • Drinking enough water 
  • Getting enough sleep 
  • Exercising regularly 
  • Avoiding cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs. 

Emotional support 

Having a strong support network of friends and/or family can play a huge role in supporting our mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Humans crave social connection, and maintaining healthy relationships can help our sense of belonging, self-esteem, and ability to cope in hard times. 

You don’t need to be a social butterfly to enjoy the benefits of social support. Even having just one trusted friend to confide in can make all the difference. 

Exposure to nature 

Studies_show the benefits of getting out in nature for our physical and mental health, including improved mood and reduced stress. 

Try starting the day sitting outside with your morning coffee, or pick up an outdoor activity like gardening, cycling, or enjoying nature walks. 

Self-care and recreation 

When we think of self-care, we may think of lying back with cucumbers on our eyes or sitting cross-legged while meditating. But self-care looks different to everyone and includes anything that makes you feel relaxed and happy. 

This might be reading a good book, meeting a loved one for a coffee, or going for a scenic drive while singing along to your favourite music. 

Our schedules can become overwhelmed with work, life admin, and social events. It’s important to make time for the recreational activities that recharge your batteries and support a positive mindset. 

Checking in with yourself 

There’s no medal for ‘soldiering on’ when you feel burnt out or need help. Make a habit of checking in with how you’re feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Some signs you might need to take a break or pay more attention to your mental health include: 

  • You’re irritable and on edge 
  • You feel tired most of the time 
  • You’re neglecting your self-care 
  • You’re struggling to concentrate 
  • You don’t have energy to socialise 
  • You don’t enjoy things you normally do. 

Early intervention

You don’t have to be at crisis point to seek help – in fact, it’s best to address any issues as soon as possible. Early intervention can reduce the risk of mental health deteriorating further and help you find solutions sooner. 

Professional help such as counselling can be a great option for anyone who needs some extra support. 

Our counsellors can help you process your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment free from judgement. Sessions are available in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call. 

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment. 

Separation, conflict, and mental health

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Family separation can be a very stressful time for everyone involved, whether that’s the parents, family, or children.  And it’s made harder when there’s ongoing negative conflict, feelings of anger, or ongoing bitterness. Ongoing conflict may lead to partners, parents, and children experiencing poor mental health and the impact can last generations.

We can tend to think of ‘conflict’ as the rarer, difficult separations, rather than the norm. Maybe those that only impact 1% of separating families and couples. But this is far from the case. Research by Relationships Australia found that up to 1 in 5 family separations experience significant conflict.

As we recognise World Mental Health Day, let’s have a real conversation about the life events that can affect all of us. Children and adults can thrive after families separate, but they can also struggle.  When life is hard, it’s important to know how serious the implications can be on our mental health, but also, there is always hope for a more positive outcome.

 

The Stats Around Separation

Between 10 and 20% of separating and separated parents experience significant conflict regarding their children, finances, or property. Where there is conflict (and especially if the conflict remains unresolved or is hostile), there is more likely to be elevated mental health issues.

We don’t think about relationship counselling or post-separation services as “mental health support”.  But across 3 studies by Relationships Australia (spanning 2500 parents), up to 28% reported “very high mental health distress”.

The research shows a clear and direct correlation between sustained negative conflict and increased feelings of mental health distress. And with this affecting such a significant portion of those separating, we need to be more proactive in protecting the mental health of everyone involved, whether that’s the grown-ups or children.

 

The Causes of Conflict

While we can agree there’s a pattern, it’s not fair to say that separation causes conflict. In fact, separation can be an important step towards alleviating conflict.

Across several studies into separations, we have learned that conflict between separating and separated partners can stem from:

  • Disagreements around children, finances, or property
  • Difficulty managing feelings of loss
  • Changes in social networks
  • Changes in financial and parental responsibility.

We’ve also learned that children’s adjustments and mental health can be directly predicted by their parents’ adjustments to the separation, and their parents’ mental health.

In the short term, children exposed to hostile and unresolved parental conflict report higher rates of academic and learning issues, anxiety, stress, depression, and social/communication issues.

Over the long term, those same children are more likely to experience mental health illness, relationship difficulties, attachment issues, employment concerns, or health issues.

 

The Potential Positives

Our approach to separation influences our mental health. And thankfully, there are a few steps that research shows can help separating people cope better with this stressful life event:

  • Healthy relationships – Research suggests that maintaining healthy relationships with friends and family, and developing new social connections, is associated with more positive adjustments through separation.
  • Adjusting to new roles and identities – Mental health is improved when parents can find positive, clear and purposeful new identities and roles as separated co-parents.
  • Maintaining physical health – Eating well, exercising, and getting quality sleep can have a large influence on mental wellbeing.
  • Proactively alleviating financial stress – Seeking financial guidance, or developing a new budget, can help reduce stress and conflict around money.
  • Meeting the children’s needs – As children adjust to separation, they will often need a lot of time and space to share their feelings, and plenty of reassurance the separation wasn’t their fault. Children tend to thrive when their parents offer warmth, support, developmentally appropriate supervision and structure, and responsive care.
  • Open, respectful communication – Whether it’s how partners communicate to each other, or about each other to their children and other people, or how parents speak with their children, the power of respectful communication cannot be underestimated. Modelling respectful communication and constructive ways to manage disagreements between adults, can significantly improve outcomes for children.

 

The Hope for Mental Health Outcomes

While every family separation will differ, there are multiple solutions that can help increase the likelihood of positive outcomes for everyone’s mental health. Particularly if there are feelings of anger or hostility lingering between ex-partners, or there is unresolved conflict between parties.

 

Family and relationship counselling

Couple-based interventions, such as counselling, can have a profoundly positive effect on either (or both) partner/s mental health, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or even addiction.

 

Post-separation services (such as Family Dispute Resolution)

Where conflict might arise and parents are unable to amicably co-parent or agree on parenting plans, Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) can offer a cooperative, respectful solution, to help families minimise conflict.

As a form of mediation, FDR provides a space where the parents can lead the discussion and negotiations, with the guidance of a mediator. When compared to litigation, this approach increases rates of mutually acceptable parenting and property agreements. And with that, the rates of conflict and mental health distress tend to be minimised.

 

Let’s Normalise Separation Support for World Mental Health Day

It’s important to remember that family separation is a complex, stressful process for anyone. But the more significant correlation we see with negative mental health outcomes is when separations carry unresolved, hostile conflict.

Thankfully, even in the most complex and difficult of circumstances, there’s hope. Through systems like FDR and counselling, there’s always a way to offer children and adults a brighter outcome for their mental health.

The right support provided at the right time can set families up for generations of love, support, and positive mental health outcomes.

 

 

 

 

 

Signs of emotional abuse in older people

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Everyone, regardless of age, deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationships.

Emotional abuse against elderly people is a type of elder abuse.

Emotional abuse, also called psychological abuse, can happen in any relationship where there is an expectation of trust. In the case of older people, the abuser may be a spouse, adult child, grandchild, carer, family friend, or neighbour.

In this article, we’ll discuss some signs of elderly emotional abuse to look out for in your older loved ones and free support options.

 

1.      Social withdrawal or isolation

When someone is experiencing emotional abuse, they may become socially withdrawn from their family, friends, and community.

Often, an abuser will aim to socially isolate their victim to remove outside influences and make them more dependent on the abuser. Older people who rely on someone else for care and support are especially vulnerable.

The older person may also withdraw from their family and friends due to the shame, fear, or low self-esteem that the abuse is causing them.

Social isolation is dangerous for older people. It’s linked with increased risks of serious conditions such as dementia, premature death, and depression. If you notice an older loved one being more withdrawn than usual, reach out and check in on them. Here are some tips to talk to an older person you’re worried about.

 

2.      Depression, anxiety, or fear

Emotional abuse can take a huge toll on someone’s mental health. Abuse in older people is highly associated with depression.

Signs of depression caused by emotional abuse may include:

  • Not leaving the house
  • Not eating or decreased appetite
  • Not engaging in hobbies or activities
  • Seeming uninterested or unbothered
  • Drinking increased amounts of alcohol
  • Not sleeping or sleeping more than usual.

Signs of anxiety caused by emotional abuse may include:

  • Unusual lack of excitement or enthusiasm
  • Checking in for permission from someone else
  • Constantly cancelling or not showing up to plans
  • Walking on eggshells, especially around a certain person
  • Nervous behaviours like nail-biting, skin-picking, or fidgeting.

 

3.      Unusual anger or irritability

Outbursts of anger can be a sign of being abused.

A person experiencing abuse may bottle up their emotions due to fear of expressing or communicating them. Bottling up can make a person easily irritated. Seemingly “normal” or “small” things may elicit an unbalanced response of anger.

These emotional outbursts should be responded to with gentle understanding. It may be a helpful approach to ask if there’s anything else going on that they want to speak about.

 

4.      Lower level of self-esteem

Emotional abuse can cause someone’s self-esteem to plummet, especially in the case of older people who often depend on their abuser or who may not have many other people in their life.

Signs of low self-esteem can include self-deprecating talk, poor self-care, and not accepting or asking for help.

 

5.      Passivity or seeming not to care

Sometimes emotional abuse can wear someone down to seem like a “shell” of their normal self. They may seem uninvolved, uninterested, and unfazed.

Emotional abuse is damaging for anyone’s mental health, no matter how old they are. It’s important to be supportive and to continue reaching out to someone who you’re worried about.

 

6.      Stress, worry, or fear surrounding visits with a specific person

If the older person seems to get worried or anxious before, during, or after being around a certain person, it may indicate that they feel unsafe around them. They may behave like they’re walking on eggshells.

If you’re worried that someone is perpetrating elder abuse, here are some actions you can take if it’s safe to do so:

  1. Help your older loved one develop a safety plan
  2. Call 000 if there is an immediate threat to anyone’s safety
  3. Contact the Queensland Elder Abuse Helpline at 1300 651 192
  4. Help your older loved one access resources that can help, like the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service.
  5. Offer to drive them to appointments.

 

Support is available

The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) helps older Queenslanders who are experiencing elder abuse. EAPSS provides free counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services.

If you’re worried about yourself or an elderly loved one, you can call 1300 062 232 to learn more.

Here are some ways to help an older person you’re worried about.

What is grandparent alienation?

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Grandparent alienation is when grandparents are unreasonably denied the opportunity to see and communicate with their grandchildren.

The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is irreplaceable – understandably, it hurts when you’re prevented from seeing or talking to them. A rocky relationship with your adult child or whoever is causing the alienation can add to the distress.

In this article, we share advice on what you can do if you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and briefly discuss grandparent rights in Queensland.

 

Behaviours of grandparent alienation

Sustained grandparent alienation is a form of elder abuse. Adult children are usually the perpetrators of grandparent alienation.

Behaviours of grandparent alienation include:

  • Banning communication
  • Preventing spending time together
  • Leaving grandparents out of family events
  • Threatening to cut contact with grandchildren
  • Controlling or limiting contact with grandchildren
  • Restricting important information regarding grandchildren
  • Talking poorly about the grandparents in front of grandchildren
  • Intentionally making it difficult for grandparents to see grandchildren
  • Only allowing spending time together under the guise of childminding
  • Withholding access to grandchildren unless financial support is provided
  • Using contact with the grandchildren as a bargaining tool for financial support
  • Withholding contact and visits unless the grandparents provide support (this is called coercive control).

It’s important to consider that not all situations point to grandparent alienation. For example, parents seeking a period of alone time with a newborn baby is a special circumstance – it doesn’t necessarily indicate that they’re intentionally separating you from your grandchild.

 

What to do when you’re experiencing grandparent alienation

This form of elder abuse can be distressing, and you might feel like you don’t know what to do.

Every situation is different. But moving forward is possible, even when it may not seem like it.

Your conflict resolution plan may include:

Making amends on your own

Usually, people prefer to come to an agreement themselves before seeking professional or legal intervention.

An open, honest conversation can have a huge impact. Establish a safe time and place to have this talk. Honesty, empathy, active listening, taking accountability, and a willingness to compromise are building blocks of effective communication.

We share more advice on resolving conflict with your adult child here.

Leaving the grandchildren out of it

Though grandparent alienation directly concerns your grandchildren, it’s best not to get them caught up in this disagreement.

We recommend avoiding criticising or talking badly about the parents to your grandchildren.

Attending family mediation

Mediation is a professionally guided meeting that allows families to resolve conflict and agree upon a solution to move forward together. Mediation is a safe space that encourages healthy communication.

Attending mediation allows grandparents to be able to apply for parenting orders.

The Senior Relationship Mediation Service (SRMS) is a free service for seniors and their families in Queensland. The SRMS can intervene and provide support and referrals in cases of elder abuse. To learn more, contact the SRMS at 1300 062 232.

 

Grandparent rights and family law in Queensland

Healthy, respectful grandparent-grandchild relationships can benefit the whole family. Australian family law recognises the importance of children’s relationship with their grandparents.

Grandparents can apply for a parenting order through a family law court. This means that a family law court can order for a child to live, spend time with, and/or communicate with a grandparent, provided it’s in the child’s best interest.

Grandparents cannot apply for parenting orders through the family law court unless they have tried mediation.

You can learn more about grandparent rights and options on the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia website.

 

Coping with grandparent alienation and elder abuse

If you don’t feel safe in having a conversation or making amends on your own, you may be experiencing elder abuse.

It’s critical to lean on your support networks and to look after yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and have self-compassion. Remind yourself that being abused is unacceptable – no one deserves it. The way others treat you is not a reflection of your worth.

Know the signs of elder abuse and stay connected with other family members and friends.

We provide more advice on how to cope with abusive adult children here.

 

Support is available

If you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and are concerned about elder abuse, support is available.

The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) assists older Queenslanders and prioritises their rights, safety, and wellbeing. EAPSS provides counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services. Call 1300 063 232 to learn more.

5 Tips for FIFO Relationships

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The FIFO lifestyle can be tough on even the strongest relationships.

With long and/or frequent periods of separation, it’s common for partners to feel lonely and disconnected from time to time.

But people in FIFO and long-distance relationships can overcome these obstacles and maintain their closeness with some extra care and effort.

We offer some advice on how to deal with FIFO relationships and the unique challenges they can bring.

 

1. Set Expectations for Communication

Communication is important in every relationship, but it’s especially crucial for couples who don’t see each other every day.

Discuss your expectations around how and how often you’ll communicate to ensure you’re on the same page.

What do you need to feel loved and supported by your partner during your time apart? Maybe it’s a daily phone call, or perhaps you’d like regular texts and photo updates throughout the day.

These needs might look different for everyone, so don’t assume you’ll just work it out as you go. Be honest about what you expect from your partner and how you’re willing and able to be available for them.

With effective communication, FIFO relationships can present an opportunity to grow your emotional intimacy and feel closer to each other despite the physical distance.

Regular check-ins can help increase understanding and build trust in your relationship. We list 10 relationship check-in questions here.

 

2. Show Support However You Can

It can be hard to be your partner’s go-to for support when your opportunities for quality time and communication are limited. But it’s important to stay involved and be there for them through their ups and downs however you can.

Be aware of what’s going on for your partner and share what’s going on for you. When something in your partner’s life requires extra attention from you (e.g. job interview, medical issue, family problems), be sure to check in, show interest, and let them know they can rely on you to provide emotional support from afar.

You might even like to send some of their favourite treats, flowers, or a card with words of encouragement during these tough or significant moments.

 

3. Make the Most of Your Time Together

When quality time together is limited, it should be used intentionally.

You don’t have to spend a small fortune on wining and dining every time you reunite. But a little effort goes a long way to keep the romance alive and make your time together memorable.

For example, you might like to:

  • Return to where you had your first date
  • Plan and book a night away together at an Airbnb or hotel
  • Write a bucket list of experiences and adventures you’d like to have together
  • Choose your favourite photos together to print, frame, and display around the house
  • Cook dinner together while listening to a playlist of songs special to your relationship.

 

4. Nurture Your Independence

This can be particularly important for the partner at home.

It’s not healthy to put your life on hold between visits from your partner. It’s important for your mental health – and the longevity of your relationship – that you build a life and identity separate to your partner.

Maintain your social life by booking in regular catchups with friends and family and leaning on your support network during those lonely days.

Fill your time with activities you love by picking up an old hobby or starting a new one. Create goals for yourself, whether it’s to read a certain number of books or to run a certain length in a certain time.

While it’s normal to miss your partner, you should find happiness and fulfilment from other people and things when you’re apart.

We explore more reasons why it’s important to have friendships outside your relationship here.

 

5. Seek Support for Your Mental Health

People in FIFO relationships can face mental health challenges due to the stress separation and other related issues can bring.

If you need some extra support coping, our counsellors can help you find the tools to navigate your FIFO relationship with confidence.

You can learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

 

What is the ‘Ben Franklin effect’?

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Often in relationships, we can shy away from asking someone to do us a favour, even when we really need the help.

This may be because we don’t want to be a burden or come off as annoying. We might be worried about being rejected, or even just feel uncomfortable asking someone for help.

But what if reaching out for help made your relationship stronger? Would you be more comfortable asking someone for a favour if you knew it would bring you closer?

That’s exactly what the Ben Franklin effect says will happen.

 

How does the ‘Ben Franklin effect’ work?

The Ben Franklin effect is when someone forms positive feelings towards you because you asked them for a favour. This is because our brains tell us that we help people because we like them.

The Ben Franklin effect can’t make someone go from disliking you to liking you, but it can help strengthen bonds, build trust, and create relationships where everyone is comfortable asking for and receiving help.

Your motivations and your actions are the biggest players in how someone feels about you. But there are times that you can keep the Ben Franklin effect in mind, and allow it to help you authentically strengthen relationships.

 

Examples of When to Use It

The best way to use this to genuinely strengthen a relationship is to ensure:

  • The favour you’re asking for is small or unintrusive
  • You genuinely would benefit from the favour (showing you’re authentic in your actions)
  • You can show genuine appreciation for their kindness, and possibly even reciprocate it.

Knowing how to do this the right way is tricky, so here are some opportunities:

  • Ask to borrow a book to read.
  • Ask for help with a small DIY project.
  • Ask for the recipe of something they’ve cooked for you.
  • Ask for some recommendations, whether that’s food, a movie, or a new activity to try out.
  • Ask them to come with you to a social event.
  • Ask them to join you in learning something new, like a cooking class or a new fitness activity.

These favours create opportunities for meaningful acts, whether that is making someone feel like you value their opinions, collaborating on a task together, or presenting an opportunity to bond.

The Ben Franklin effect isn’t about benefiting yourself – it’s about bringing you and someone you care about closer together.

 

How many favours are too many?

Knowing that asking for a favour can help a relationship (rather than strain it) is great, especially when you may have previously shied away from asking for help.

But it’s important to remember that this isn’t a tool that works to manipulate people, and it won’t stack over time.

Intention is everything, and if you aren’t sincere in your actions, there won’t be any benefit.

Asking someone to repeatedly pick something up that you keep dropping, just for the sake of asking for a favour, will naturally cause more strain than gain.

So, the question shouldn’t be about how many favours are too many, because you might also have a valid reason to ask for help. Instead, you should just try and stay honest, authentic and appreciative of the other person. That’s the sweet spot.

 

How else can I strengthen my relationships?

The Ben Franklin effect is just one of many, many tools you can use when wanting to nurture any of your relationships.

Knowing your attachment style is another way you can foster more secure bonds and help you understand yourself in relationships. We explore attachment styles in relationships here.

If you’re looking to heal, build, and strengthen your relationships, our counsellors can assist you in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

 

Friendships are a key ingredient to our happiness and wellbeing, so maintaining them while in a relationship is important. Learn more about the Importance of Friends here.

Why do people cheat?

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It’s normal to look for answers when your partner has been unfaithful.

You might ask yourself what you did or what you could’ve done to prevent this from happening.

But it’s important to remember the responsibility lies with the person who cheated, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, affairs are more common than you’d think. An estimated 60% of men and 45% of women have had an affair within their marriage.

We explore some common reasons why people cheat on their partners – even in seemingly happy relationships.

 

Sexually Addictive Behaviour

In some cases, cheating can be a result of sexually addictive or compulsive behaviours.

While there’s no excuse for infidelity within a monogamous relationship, sexually addictive behaviours and mental health conditions such as histrionic personality disorder may drive people to seek sexual and/or emotional intimacy outside their relationship.

 

Feeling Disconnected or Unloved

Cheating isn’t always about filling unmet physical needs. Some people seek emotional intimacy outside their relationship when they’re feeling disconnected from or neglected by their partner.

This might manifest as a physical affair or solely as an emotional affair, where they develop a romantic bond that doesn’t involve sexual relations. This type of infidelity can happen in person, online, or over the phone.

In some cases, the two people may never even meet in person. But emotional cheating can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.

 

A Fear of Commitment

The thought of committing to one person can bring feelings of stress, pressure, and doubt for some people, even in a happy relationship.

Some people may cheat as a ‘last hurrah’ or due to ‘cold feet’ prior to getting married.

 

Their Own Self-Esteem or Self-Worth

Some people seek sexual attention as a form of validation or an ego boost. This can be particularly true for people who are insecure and have low self-esteem.

They might rely on people outside their relationship to make them feel attractive and desirable. This can be true for people who don’t feel validated in this way by their partner, but also in relationships that are full of affection and sexual activity.

Cheating is often a reflection of their insecurities, and no amount of attention and affection from their partner would prevent them from seeking more elsewhere. In these cases, the short-term self-gratification from cheating is more important than the long-term goal of maintaining their relationship.

 

As a Way to End the Relationship

Some people find it difficult to address issues with their partner and may use cheating as an escape or a way to ‘sabotage’ the relationship.

This may be due to an avoidant attachment style, commitment issues, or dissatisfaction in the relationship that they’re unwilling to work on. Cheating might be their way to drive their partner away and end things without having to initiate a difficult breakup conversation.

 

Why else would happy people cheat?

There are many reasons why people might seek romantic or sexual attention outside their relationship, and this can vary from person to person. The person who had the affair may not even have the answers themselves.

If you need some extra support following infidelity, our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental space. We also provide relationship counselling for couples looking to repair after infidelity.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

 

If your partner has cheated, you can find advice on how to focus on yourself, and to build your self-esteem here.

How to build your self-esteem after being cheated on

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It’s natural for your self-esteem to take a blow after you’ve been cheated on.

And with that, it can even be difficult to focus on the self-care you deserve in times like this. But there is a lot you can do to remind yourself you’re worthy of love, and to heal after being cheated on.

We’ll take you through some tips on how to build your self-esteem, and how to love yourself after being cheated on.

 

Don’t blame yourself

Your partner’s decision to cheat isn’t a reflection of you. It doesn’t mean something’s “wrong” with you, or that you did anything wrong.

People cheat for many reasons. Often, it’s an indication of their own issues, such as insecurity or a need for validation. But no matter the reason, you can affirm to yourself that you played no part.

 

Surround yourself with people who build you up

Your friends and family can often serve as a great reminder of the quality of your relationships, and the love and appreciation you deserve. Whether it’s a cup of tea, a chat, a laugh, and outing, there are endless ways of refilling your cup with your support network.

Creating new memories with your loved ones can also help take your mind off the cheating and the breakup.

 

Do things that make you feel proud

Now’s an opportunity to focus on all the things that make you feel good about and proud of yourself.

Whether it’s going to the gym, practising an instrument, or cooking new recipes, indulge in activities that let you flex your favourite skills.

 

Identify and manage your triggers

Being cheated on can be a traumatic experience – it’s normal to be triggered by overthinking, reminders of the situation, and uncomfortable topics.

Being in touch with your triggers is a form of self-compassion. When you learn how to handle these triggers, it can boost your confidence in facing everyday situations.

Some strategies for managing triggers include:

  • Confiding in a friend
  • Doing breathing exercises
  • Taking a step back from the situation
  • Connecting with professional support.

 

Let yourself experience your emotions

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, confused, happy, optimistic, pessimistic, annoyed, calm, and every other emotion in between.

And they’re all completely okay.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself time to feel your feelings. Remember, healing isn’t linear; there will be ups and downs, and some days will be easier than others.

It’s okay to cry, scream, and to talk about your feelings. And reminding yourself that they’re okay is a great way to help reinforce your self-esteem.

 

Seek professional support

Feelings can be complicated following a breakup, especially when cheating is involved.

There’s no shame in seeking professional help, like counselling. Talking to a counsellor can help you process your feelings and find healthy ways to cope, recover, and love yourself again.

 

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Everyone’s path after being cheated on will be different. If your path includes a separation with kids, you can find support for how to approach the topic of separation with children here.