1300 364 277
Quick Exit
This button appears across the site. Press this button to exit the site immediately to nondescript link
Click to close or press

Author: admin

What to Consider Before Moving In With Adult Children

Posted on by admin

You’ve accomplished so much in your life already! It’s perfectly okay that you find yourself thinking about moving in with your children.

Seniors choose to move in with their child for many reasons such as the rising cost of living, changing health and care needs, or to be closer together.

Moving into your child’s home may strengthen your relationship and can be mutually beneficial. It’s important to prepare for potential problems and to maintain a healthy, happy dynamic between you and your child when making the decision about moving in with them.

 

The level of care that you need

You’ve likely spent a lot of your time looking after yourself and for those around you. As you age, your health and abilities naturally change. There is no shame in seeking help where you need it and letting someone help care for you.

If you are considering moving in with your child because you need some extra help in looking after yourself, first make sure that your child will be willing and able to assist.

Sometimes we may downplay our needs because we feel we need to be convenient, but it’s better to be honest and direct when communicating to your needs to your child.

If you are not confident you will receive the care that you need, other options such as an in-home support worker may be better for your health and for your relationship with your child.

 

The impact on your mental and physical health

Your mental health is greatly persuaded by your surrounding environment. Living in close quarters with your child can challenge your relationship, especially if grandchildren are living in the home, too.

Steps to mitigate your mental health when moving in with your adult child can include:

  • disclosing expectations of caretaking roles, both for yourself and for any childcare.
  • discussing expectations regarding visitors, noise, cleaning, privacy, and downtime.
  • informing them about any triggers.
  • attending counselling
  • setting boundaries.

Consider what potential health and safety hazards may be around your child’s home, such as:

  • if the home is disability friendly or not.
  • the local weather and climate.
  • if there is enough space.
  • young children.
  • pets.

You and your child can plan out ways that you can make the home a place where everyone can feel safe and comfortable.

 

Peers and community

Socialising with peers your own age can significantly help the adjustment of moving in with your child.

You can find local socialisation opportunities through:

  • local groups and events for seniors,
  • a local religious affiliation,
  • and more.

The Senior Social Connection Program helps older people in the Sunshine Coast connect with others through free events, courses, and catchups. The Australian Government offers a huge list of social opportunities for older people across Queensland.

If you will be leaving behind nearby friends and neighbours, plan to keep in touch. Chances are that your child will be able to help you learn to use your smartphone to stay connected.

 

Pets

Pets are our best friends; they’re a source of love and comfort.

Only 18% of aged care facilities in Australia allow pets, while just 9% of in-home care providers claim to offer a pet-friendly service. Moving into your child’s home may be the better option to keep your four-legged friend with you.

Ensure that your child’s home will be a suitable environment for your pet. If you are not entirely able to look after the pet yourself, discuss any care-taking responsibilities with your child.

 

Money and assets

Finances are a leading reason why older adults downsize or move out of their homes, especially with the recent cost of living increase. Though finances may be a touchy subject, an amicable conversation in the beginning can prevent a relationship breakdown in the end. We offer some tips for having difficult conversations here.

To guide this conversation, consider:

  • Will you pay rent, and if so, how much?
  • How will utility and grocery bills be split?

Financial agreements should always be made in writing; we advise using a general tenancy agreement.

Make sure you’re taking advantage of senior benefits, such as age pension.

Living together may make you more vulnerable to financial abuse. Learn more about financial elder abuse and how you can protect yourself here.

 

Safety

Your home should always be a safe place for you.

While many older Australians consider their child to be their most important person, older Australians are most likely to feel unsafe disagreeing with said person. Older people are vulnerable to elder abuse; adult children are the most common perpetrators.

There is no excuse for abuse, but before moving in with your child, consider factors that may make your child an unintentional perpetrator, such as:

  • any negative history in your relationship.
  • the financial situation.
  • their mental health.

It’s okay to ask for help. Learn more about elder abuse and how to reach out for help here.

 

If you are an older person who is having trouble navigating a relationship with a family member, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

If your parent is moving in with you, our blog post 10 Tips for Moving Your Elderly Parents In offers more advice.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

Am I controlling?

Posted on by admin

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse, and it can have dangerous impacts on survivors.

But what exactly counts as coercive control, and how do we know if we’re being controlling?

A controlling relationship is one where one person uses manipulation and intimidation to control their partner’s behaviour and make them feel scared, isolated, and dependent on the controlling partner.

This can range from telling them what to wear or who they can and can’t spend time with, to more subtle controlling behaviours, such as using the ‘silent treatment’ when you don’t get your way.

The use of control in relationships can stem from anxiety, insecurities, jealousy, growing up around unhealthy relationships, and other issues.

If you recognise controlling behaviours in yourself, it’s important to address these unhealthy patterns early. This is the first step to having healthier interactions with your partner and avoiding further harm.

Speaking to a counsellor can help you make changes and explore any underlying issues that might be contributing to these behaviours.

RAQ Clinical Supervisor (Domestic and Family Violence) Kelli offers her insights on control in relationships, and advice for anyone using control.

 

Common Controlling Behaviours in Relationships

Control in relationships can be hard to identify. Someone being controlled may not even realise it, and even the person using control might think they’re doing these things because they care.

For example, you might demand to know where your partner is and who they’re with at all times and say it’s just because you care about them. But this behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Learning more about controlling behaviours can help us recognise them in our own relationships and make healthy changes.

These are just some examples of control in intimate relationships:

  • Being the one to make all the decisions (e.g. what to spend money on, how to parent children, what activities to engage with, who to socialise with).
  • Stopping someone from accessing or interacting with friends, family, or their spiritual beliefs.
  • Excessively checking up on someone (e.g. needing to know where they’re going, monitoring their phone/social media activity, making them “report in” on their whereabouts at all times).
  • Gaslighting, including telling them an incident/conflict situation didn’t happen the way they remember it, telling them they’re imagining things, minimising their concerns, making fun of them when they’re distressed.
  • Making direct or passive aggressive insults or comments on someone’s appearance (e.g. “Are you wearing that?” or “I don’t think you need another slice of pizza.”).
  • Making someone feel imcompetent, criticising how they do things, and/or saying they’d be lost without you.

 

Why do people use control in their relationships?

It’s important to remember that there is never an excuse for asserting power and control over your partner.

These are just some of the underlying issues that may contribute to someone using control in their relationship:

  • Fear of losing the relationship
  • Inability to communicate feelings in a healthy way
  • Jealousy and trust issues, possibly as a result of being hurt in the past
  • To break down their partner’s self-esteem so they never leave them
  • These behaviours were modelled to them in their own families
  • They see their partner as their “property”.

Cultural beliefs around traditional gender roles can also play a part in the use of control in heterosexual relationships.

“They may have beliefs about relationships that make them feel entitled to behave this way,” Kelli explains. “For example: I am the man of the house, therefore I get to set the rules.”

 

Advice for Controlling Partners

“Control in relationships can have a negative cumulative effect that can have significant impacts such as low self-esteem, sense of powerlessness, and a lack of trust and respect,” Kelli explains.

“Consider the long-term impacts of your behaviour on your relationship.”

The good news is that you can take steps to change these behaviours.

Our counsellors can help you identify and address any underlying issues within yourself that may contribute to these relationship patterns.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling service here.

 

We explore more examples of coercive control in this article.

Benefits of Befriending Your Neighbour in Your Older Age

Posted on by admin

As you age, there are so many benefits to having friends you can socialise with.

Have you ever thought that there can be a potential friend right next door? 28% of seniors say that community groups, such as those within their neighbourhood, play an important role in their life.

In this blog post, we’ll explore some great benefits of befriending your neighbour.

 

1.      Socialisation

In older age, socialisation contributes greatly to both physical and mental health.

Being social benefits the likes of your self-esteem, your sleep, and your memory. You’ll also be at decreased risk for illness, heart problems, high blood pressure, dementia, depression, and anxiety.

Intergenerational friendships can be mutually beneficial. Socialising with your neighbour will stimulate your brain and give you someone to pass down life lessons, wisdom, and stories to.

Meanwhile, your friendship can help your younger neighbour learn to embrace ageing and to break down their stereotypes about older people.

 

2.      Learning from the younger generation

While wisdom comes with age, the younger generation still has a lot to teach us.

For example, your younger neighbour may give you some insight into smartphones and technology, which enables you to stay connected with your own family and friends.

 

3.      Help with small jobs

As we age, our abilities naturally change. It’s handy to have someone next door who would be happy to do small jobs, such as changing out a lightbulb or putting away groceries.

Though your friendly neighbour will probably not expect anything of you in return for these tasks, good deeds like this are often in exchange for your friendship and kindness.

 

4.      Carpooling and shopping

While of course your neighbour is not your chauffeur or your personal shopper, your neighbour may be happy to pick up something for you on their trip to the grocery shop.

You could also carpool with them to events like weekly religious services or a local community meeting. Carpooling together is an opportunity to have conversations or to introduce each other to your favourite music.

Your younger neighbour is likely to feel good about helping, while for you, learning to ask for help is an important skill.

 

5.      In case of emergencies

In case of a fall or any other emergency, it would be extremely handy to have someone just next door to help.

Offer your name and number in exchange for your neighbour’s, so that both of you can contact the other in the event of an emergency.

 

6.      Exchanging meals and recipes

Whether it’s a cultural dish or a secret family recipe, cooking for someone else is sure to warm the heart. Bringing over a meal is a lovely way to introduce yourself to your neighbour and spark up a friendship.

Exchanging meals and recipes with a neighbour is a perfect bonding activity that will teach you new dishes and give you a chance to chat over mealtime.

 

7.      Gets you outside more

Even if it’s just sitting on your front porch, being outside creates opportunities for social interaction – especially with your neighbours.

Being friends with those living around you can get you outdoors more for your daily chats or to attend events that your neighbours may start inviting you to.

Spending time outdoors has been shown to increase confidence in seniors, and one of the reasons is the greater exposure to social interactions.

Australia’s annual Neighbour Day occurs at the end of every March. It’s the perfect excuse to introduce yourself to your neighbours and to form new friendships.

 

We offer some ideas on ways to meet your neighbours in our blog post, 5 Ways to Build Community in Your Neighbourhood.

Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected.

If you or an older person you know is feeling lonely or socially isolated, our Senior Relationships Services are here to help. You can learn more about our Senior Social Connection Program here, or call 1300 063 232 to make an appointment.

5 Ways to Build Community in Your Neighbourhood

Posted on by admin

Having a sense of belonging where we live can make us happier and less lonely.

Social isolation is a major cause of loneliness. Building a sense of community in your neighbourhood can help reduce social isolation for yourself and for your neighbours.

Here are 5 fun ways that you can create connection and community in your neighbourhood.

 

1. Become a regular at a local business

Frequenting local businesses, such as your favourite café, can help establish some familiar friendly faces. You can also attend your nearest weekly market, where local vendors sell their products and services.

Plus, supporting local businesses will contribute to their success while stimulating your neighbourhood’s economy.

 

2. Chat to other parents (or fur parents) at the local park

Whether you have human children or four-legged children, going to the playground or dog park is an easy way to make friends with other locals.

A survey shows that attending local parks and owning a pet are by far the top ways that Australians meet people in their neighbourhood.

Visiting the park on a regular basis with your children or your dog will incorporate some consistent socialisation into your life. Your child or your dog can form their own friendships at the park, too.

 

3. Welcome the newcomers in your area

Create a shared sense of community by welcoming the newcomers of your neighbourhood or building.

You could recommend your favourite local places and offer them tips and insight on the neighbourhood.

More personable approaches might include gifting them some homegrown produce from your garden or leaving a kind note on their door.

 

4. Join or start a local group or club

Joining a local group or club can create a sense of belonging in your area. You can find local groups and clubs relevant to your interests and hobbies on Facebook or Meetup.

If there isn’t already a group for your specific interest, why not start one? You can gather attendees easily on the previously mentioned social apps or by posting flyers around your building or neighbourhood.

 

5. Throw a party

Your neighbours can’t complain about the noise if they’re at your party!

Jokes aside, hosting a party can be a fun, casual way for neighbours to get to know each other. Easy ideas include a BYO barbecue or a neighbourhood Christmas celebration.

At the end of every March, Australia’s annual Neighbour Day is the perfect excuse to throw a neighbourhood party. Neighbour Day is reported to have lasting outcomes, with 95% of participants reporting that they plan to maintain ongoing contact with the neighbours they met at a Neighbour Day event.

If you’re feeling lonely or having trouble making friends, our counsellors are here to help. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Just moved? We offer some tips on making friends in our blog post How to Meet People in a New City.

Is Australia meeting our Closing the Gap targets?

Posted on by admin

National Close the Gap Day is observed on the third Thursday of March, falling on March 16 this year.

It aims to raise awareness of  a range of  significant social and economic issues and barriers faced by First Nations – Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Australians, and is an opportunity to show support for the National Agreement on Closing the Gap (the Agreement).

Colonisation has caused ongoing trauma across generations of First Nations Australians.

There are First Nations Peoples living today who:

  • Were denied an education
  • Could not receive healthcare
  • Did not have the right to vote
  • Had children stolen from them
  • Were not permitted in public places
  • Are members of the Stolen Generations
  • After the abolition of slavery had their wages stolen
  • Were forced to work for colonial settlers and government agencies for no wages
  • Contributed to the Australian economy and defence forces and were never acknowledged
  • Were forcibly removed from their own Traditional Lands and detained in government Reservations.

The objective of the Closing the Gap framework is to enable Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples and governments to work together to overcome the inequality experienced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples and achieve life outcomes equal to all Australians.

The Agreement came into effect in July 2020 and sets out a 10-year framework. It identifies 17 socioeconomic outcomes important to the rights, wellbeing, and quality of life of First Nations Australians.

So, how are we doing so far? Is Closing the Gap working? We take a look at our progress here with some help from Aunty Deb, Lead Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Engagement and Cultural Advisor at RAQ.

This article is informed by the Closing the Gap Annual Data Compilation Report July 2022.

 

What are our Closing the Gap targets?

Health and wellbeing

  1. Close the gap in life expectancy within a generation by 2031.
  2. Increase the proportion of babies with a healthy birthweight to 91% by 2031.
  3. Increase the proportion of children assessed as developmentally on track in all five domains of the Australian Early Development Census to 55% by 2031.
  4. Reduce the rate of overrepresentation of First Nations children in out-of-home care by 45% by 2031.
  5. Significant and sustained reduction in suicide of First Nations Peoples towards zero.

Beyond Blue’s ‘Invisible Discriminator’ campaign highlights the impact of racism on the social and emotional wellbeing of First Nations Peoples: The Invisible Discriminator – Beyond Blue

Education and Employment

  1. Increase the proportion of children enrolled in Year Before Fulltime Schooling early childhood education to 95% by 2025.
  2. Increase the proportion of people aged 20-24 years attaining year 12 or equivalent qualification to 96% by 2031.
  3. Increase the proportion of people aged 25-34 years who have completed a tertiary qualification (Certificate III and above) to 70% by 2031.
  4. Increase the proportion of youth (aged 15-24 years) who are in employment, education or training to 67% by 2031.
  5. Increase the proportion of people aged 25-64 years who are employed to 62% by 2031.

Justice

  1. Reduce the rate of adults held in incarceration by at least 15% by 2031.
  2. Reduce the rate of young people (aged 10-17 years) in detention by 30% by 2031.

Safety

  1. Reduce the rate of all forms of family violence and abuse against First Nations women and children by at least 50% by 2031, as progress towards zero.

Housing

  1. Increase the proportion of people living in appropriately sized (not overcrowded) housing to 88% by 2031.

Land and waters

  1. First Nations Peoples maintain a distinctive cultural, spiritual, physical, and economic relationship with their land and waters.
  • A 15% increase in Australia’s landmass subject to First Nations Peoples’ legal rights or interests by 2030.
  • A 15% increase in areas covered by First Nations Peoples’ legal rights or interests in the sea by 2030.

Languages

  1. There is a sustained increase in number and strength of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander languages being spoken by 2031.

Digital inclusion

  1. First Nations Peoples to have equal levels of digital inclusion by 2026.

 

What targets are on track?

It’s important to note that the targets provide limited information on progress at this stage. No new data are available since the baseline year for eight of the targets, and for the targets where there are new data available, the most recent data are for 2021.

For the targets that have new data and assessments of progress, the results are mixed and most need to be used with caution.

According to the Closing the Gap Annual Data Compilation Report July 2022, four of the Closing the Gap targets are on track. These include:

Healthy birthweight of babies

89.5% of First Nations babies born in 2019 were of a healthy birthweight.

This is an increase from 88.8% in 2017 (the baseline year) and is on track to meet the target of 91% by 2031.

Enrolment of children in the preschool

96.7% of First Nations children in the Year Before Fulltime Schooling age cohort were enrolled in a preschool program in 2021.

This is an increase from 76.7% in 2016 (the baseline year) and is on track to meet the target of 95% by 2031.

Youth detention rates

In 2020-21, the rate of First Nations Young Peoples aged 10–17 years in detention on an average day was 23.2 per 10,000 young people in the population.

This is a decrease from 31.9 per 10,000 young people in 2018-19 (the baseline year) and is on track to meet the target to decrease by at least 30% by 2031.

Land mass subject to rights and interests

4,027,232km2 of the land mass was subject to First Nations Peoples’ rights or interests in 2021.

This is an increase from 3,911,679 km2 of the land mass in 2020 (the baseline year).

The target to see a 15% increase in land mass subject to First Nations Peoples’ rights or interests by 2030 is on track to be met.

What targets aren’t on track?

The report shows five Closing the Gap targets are not on track. These include:

Children commencing school developmentally on track

34.3% of First Nations children commencing school were assessed as being developmentally on track in 2021. This is a decrease from 35.2% in 2018 (the baseline year) and is not on track to meet the target of 55% by 2031.

Out-of-home care

In 2021, the rate of First Nations children aged 0–17 years in out-of-home care was 57.6 per 1000 children in the population. This is an increase from 54.2 per 1000 children in 2019 (the baseline year) and is not on track to meet the target of reducing the rate of out-of-home care by 45% by 2031.

Adult imprisonment

As of 30 June 2021, the age-standardised rate of First Nations prisoners was 2222.7 per 100,000 adult population. This is an increase from 2142.9 per 100,000 adult population in 2019 (the baseline year) and is not on track to meet the target of reducing the incarceration rate by at least 15% by 2031.

Suicide deaths

The suicide rate (for NSW, QLD, WA, SA, NT combined) for First Nations Peoples was 27.9 per 100,000 people in 2020. This is an increase from 25 per 100,000 people in 2018 (the baseline year) and is getting us further away from the target of a ‘significant and sustained reduction in suicide towards zero’.

“Suicide was unknown to Aboriginal people prior to invasion. Appalling living conditions and past traumas have led to a suicide rate that by far exceeds that of non-Aboriginal people.” – Creative Spirits

Sea country subject to rights and interests

90,555km2 of the sea country was subject to First Nations Peoples’ rights or interests in 2021. This is an increase from 90,252 km2 of the sea country in 2020 (the baseline year).

While this was an increase, the target to see a 15% increase in sea country subject to First Nations Peoples’ rights or interests by 2030 is not on track to be met.

 

Closing the Gap targets progress 2023

Image: Online report – Closing the Gap Annual Data Compilation Report July 2022 | Closing the Gap Information Repository – Productivity Commission (pc.gov.au)

 

The following eight targets not listed above have no new data available since the baseline year:

  1. Close the gap in life expectancy within a generation
  2. Children enrolled in Year Before Fulltime Schooling early childhood education
  3. Proportion of people aged 20-24 years attaining year 12 or equivalent qualification
  4. Proportion of people aged 25-34 years who have completed a tertiary qualification
  5. Proportion of youth (aged 15-24 years) who are in employment, education or training
  6. Proportion of people aged 25-64 years who are employed
  7. Number and strength of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander languages being spoken
  8. Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples to have equal levels of digital inclusion

You can read the full 2022 report here: Closing the Gap Annual Data Compilation Report July 2022

 

What next?

A further update is scheduled for June 2023, which is anticipated to include reporting for the first time on the further eight targets not listed in the above data. The release of the 2023 Annual Data Compilation Report is anticipated by mid-July.

We look forward to having access to this updated snapshot of Australia’s progress in Closing the Gap.

The Minister for Indigenous Australians has released the 2023 Commonwealth Closing the Gap Implementation Plan. This Implementation Plan is the first under the Albanese Government and outlines the Commonwealth’s strategic priorities and efforts to close the gap over the next 12-18 months. You can read the plan here.

RAQ stands with First Nations staff, clients, and communities. We acknowledge the generosity of First Nations Peoples as they continue to build upon their resilience and resourcefulness and endeavour to develop and maintain respectful relationships with all other Australians and international visitors on their Lands.
RAQ offers culturally appropriate support online and in person. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment with one of our counsellors. Or you can connect with 13YARN on 13 92 76 (24/7) to talk with a First Nations Crisis Supporter.

Prioritising Yourself as an Ageing Woman

Posted on by admin

As a woman, you may be worried about ageing and the challenges and changes that come with it. However, all the signs show that women get better with age.

To grow old confidently, it’s important to embrace the ageing process, check in with yourself, and to prioritise yourself.

We hope this advice will help if you are a woman worried about growing into your later years.

 

Embracing your age

Society has given us so many reasons to think of getting older as a bad thing; a survey shows that three-quarters of older women feel misrepresented by the media. However, studies reveal that many older Australian women are feeling better with age.

“Women in the over 55 demographic are in the prime of their lives and having the time of their lives – a force to be reckoned with and the glue that holds generations together.”
-Maria Welch, Publisher at Platinum Magazine

There are brilliant benefits that are unique to being an older woman, such as:

  1. You command respect.
  2. With age comes wisdom.
  3. You can put yourself first.
  4. You’re more likely to succeed.
  5. You get to watch your family grow.
  6. You can enjoy the fruits of your labour.
  7. You have time to pursue dreams and hobbies.
  8. Social relationships later in life cultivate more positivity.
  9. Australians at retirement age are reported to have the highest level of happiness.

 

Prioritising yourself

As you age, you may find yourself facing new difficulties. Women, especially grandmothers, are often seen as the glue of the family. Studies show that older women who are acting as a caregiver are six times more likely to experience depression or anxiety, and are at increased odds of retiring earlier than they would like.

It’s important to learn to prioritise yourself as you age, especially when your needs and abilities are changing.

Here are some steps you can take to put yourself first every day:

  1. Tend to your needs before doing things for anyone else.
  2. Engage in 30 minutes of exercise, like a walk, arm raises, or side circles.
  3. Don’t push yourself to do anything you feel unfit to do.
  4. Set boundaries with family, carers, and friends.
  5. Listen to music you love.
  6. Start a gratitude journal.
  7. Spend time on a hobby.
  8. Prioritise “me” time.

 

Checking in with yourself

“How are you?” is a question we ask each other every day. But have you asked yourself lately?

Check in with yourself and make sure you’re doing okay. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut or to get comfortable in your ways.

If you’re feeling down, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I feel confident?
  • Are my needs being met?
  • Am I comfortable where I am living?
  • Is there something I want to change?
  • Am I doing things that make me happy?
  • Do I have access to everything I need for my health?
  • Do I feel safe in my relationships with my family, carers, and friends?
  • Are my family members expecting too much of me?
  • Do I trust those I am close with?
  • Do I have a support network?
  • Do I have friends of my own age who I can talk to?
  • Am I financially secure?
  • Am I in control of my own finances, assets, and property?

If your answers to these questions are not what you’d like them to be, it’s okay to reach out for help.

Here are some ideas for socialising and finding a support network in your older age.

If you are feeling worried about your finances, we can offer a free financial wellness check for you, and provide you with access to resources to help get back on track. We offer helpful ideas to save money as a senior.

 

If you’re feeling like you need some extra support, our free Senior Relationships Services (SRS) can help you explore your concerns and provide possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about the SRS here, or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

List of Coparenting Boundaries

Posted on by admin

Coparenting with an ex-partner can be challenging, especially if the relationship ended on rocky terms.

It can help to determine some coparenting boundaries or rules to ensure your child’s best interests remain at the heart of everything you do.

In a coparenting situation, boundaries can protect parents and children against any bitterness or anger that may exist between you and your ex-partner.

This list of coparenting rules and boundaries can help you have a healthy relationship with your ex-partner that benefits your child and supports you to heal after the separation.

 

1.      Make a plan of parenting responsibilities

Create a clear, detailed plan that defines what you and your ex-partner’s responsibilities will be as you coparent together. Defining expectations you both agree to will give your child more consistency and stability. Having a plan will also help you avoid arguments and confusion.

 

2.      Stick to a coparenting schedule

Create a comprehensive custody schedule with no room for misunderstandings. The plan should detail date and time of exchanges as well as holidays and important events. The schedule should be written with your child’s school and extracurricular priorities as the focus.

Respect the coparenting schedule by arriving on time to exchanges, letting the other parent know about changes, and modifying the schedule if necessary.

 

3.      Keep it professional

It might be awkward at first, but treating your ex-partner like a business partner may minimise drama and arguments. Focus on working together respectfully for your child. 

You should communicate with your ex-partner like you would with a colleague. Remain professional, respectful, and friendly. Keep out intimate details of your personal life, don’t let your emotions take over, and try to handle any disagreements away from your child.

 

4.      Communicate effectively

It’s important to establish expectations of communication. You can use an app like TalkingParents exclusively for communication with your coparent. When using an app like this, you can reserve texts and calls for emergencies only.

You should also detail what you’ll talk about in your communication – and what you won’t talk about. Keep communication child-focused.

To curb conflict with your coparent, practise accountable and solutions-based communication. Some effective methods of healthy communication include using “I” statements instead of accusing, and offering solutions instead of arguing. For example, “I notice you’re usually running behind to Sunday pick-ups, should we change the schedule to meet 15 minutes later?”

 

5.      Keep your personal lives private

Again, stick to keeping it professional and communicating effectively.

While coparenting is for the benefit of your child, it’s normal to grieve the separation from your ex-partner as you adjust to this new normal. An important step in healing is to move on and protect your new life.

Set strict boundaries of what you will and won’t discuss with your ex-partner. It’s wise to not snoop into your ex-partner’s personal life either, as this may hurt your feelings and hinder the process of moving on.

 

6.      Be supportive of your ex-partner’s role as your coparent

Ultimately, coparenting is for the benefit of your child. Having a healthy coparenting relationship will be better for your child’s mental health, academic performance, and overall upbringing.

Encourage your coparent. Be friendly when you attend your child’s school events together, thank them for being on time to pick-ups and drop-offs, and don’t badmouth them in front of your child.

 

Are you having a difficult time navigating coparenting? We offer more tips in our blog post How to Make Joint Custody Work.

RAQ offers individual and couples counselling as well as mediation services for families experiencing separation.

To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.

How to be a Good Father after Divorce

Posted on by admin

It’s normal to worry about your relationship with your kids after a divorce or separation – especially if you’ll be spending less time with them.

This can be a very challenging time for children, whatever their age. It can take time to adjust to a new routine of moving back and forth between parents.

While all this change can be hard on everyone, it’s important to focus on your kids’ needs every step of the way.

We hope this advice helps you navigate coparenting and fatherhood after separation.

 

Manage Your Own Feelings

Separation can bring up a lot of difficult feelings, especially when kids are involved. Anger, disappointment, and guilt are all common emotions following a relationship breakdown.

It’s crucial that you manage any negative feelings toward your coparent and the situation to avoid projecting them onto your children.

You want them to grow up in a safe and supportive environment, not around parents who outwardly dislike each other or hold onto resentments.

If you’re feeling hurt, angry, or anxious, lean on your support networks and talk to someone you trust.

It can also be helpful to speak to a professional counsellor. Counselling is a safe and confidential environment for you to get things off your chest and find healthy ways to cope.

Working through your emotions will help you heal and be the happiest and healthiest version of you, and in turn, the best dad you can be for your kids.

 

Don’t Play Favourites

The last thing kids want when their parents break up is to feel like they have to pick a side.

Kids should be supported to maintain a positive relationship with both parents. Turning it into a competition to be the ‘favourite’ is unhealthy and uncomfortable for everyone.

Even if you have some negative feelings toward your ex, it’s important to remain respectful when your child is around and support their relationship with each other.

And remember, it’s normal for kids to miss one parent when they’re with the other. Try not to take this personally – they very likely miss you when you’re apart too! Don’t guilt your child for wanting to spend time with their other parent, and don’t take this out on your coparent.

If you’re having a hard time feeling like your child prefers their other parent, the advice in this blog post might help: When Your Child Favours Their Other Parent after Divorce.

 

Make Your Home Feel Like Their Home

Even if your kids only visit every second weekend, remember that they aren’t visitors – they live with you. Your home is their home, and they should feel safe and comfortable whenever they’re with you.

Create a space that feels warm and inviting, and make sure their rooms have all the necessities as well as personal touches to make them smile.

It can help to involve them in the decorating process so they have a sense of control over their new room and look forward to spending time there. This could be a fun bonding exercise and put a positive and exciting spin on having a second bedroom.

 

Make the Most of Your Time Together

One of the best ways to be a good dad is to really be present and engaged with your kids.

Quality time means giving them your full attention and making an effort to get to know them. Ask them about their interests and ideas without the TV or your phone distracting you.

Kids need plenty of reassurance from their parents following a separation, so be sure to give them plenty of hugs and positive affirmation such as:

  • I love you
  • I will always be here for you
  • I love spending time with you
  • Playing with you is my favourite part of the week
  • I’m always thinking of you, even when we’re apart.

How you interact with your kids now will set the foundation for your relationship into the future. Remember that only you are responsible for your relationship with them, and show them how important they are by really making the most of your time together.

 

Pay Attention to Their Behaviour

Separation and divorce can be a difficult and traumatic time for kids of any age. It’s important that you keep an eye out for any concerning changes in behaviour that might indicate they need further support.

Some signs your kids might be struggling include:

  • More frequent crying
  • Increased fear of things
  • Changes in sleep or appetite
  • Increased fear of abandonment
  • Increased irritability and outbursts
  • Clinging to caregivers more than usual
  • Complaints of headaches or tummy aches
  • Misbehaving or declining grades in school
  • Regressing to younger behaviours (e.g. thumb sucking).

If you think your child is having a hard time coping with your separation or divorce, you should talk to the other adults in their life to let them know. This might include their coparent and grandparents (if safe to do so), teachers, and any other babysitters or carers concerned.

It’s important that everyone around them is looking out for them and doing what they can to support them during this difficult time. If you think they need extra support to work through things, help is available.

RAQ offers counselling for individuals, couples, and families in a safe and non-judgemental environment. We can also refer you to child-specific services like Headspace and Kids Helpline if needed.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer more helpful advice in this blog post: Tips for Separating with Kids

How to be an Ally to Your LGBTQIA+ Grandchild

Posted on by admin

It can be overwhelming to talk to your grandchild about gender, sexuality, and identity. Especially when the social and political landscapes are vastly different today than they were in your generation.

Your grandchild is likely worried about your feelings on their identity, too. Love and support from you will be crucial for your grandchild.

We hope these tips can help you to be a respectful, informed ally for your LGBTQIA+ grandchild.

 

Have a positive mindset

LGBTQIA+ rights and social norms have changed drastically over the generations. Due to being from a different time than your grandchild, it is natural that you may have different ideas and information surrounding what it means to be LGBTQIA+.

Take this opportunity to allow your grandchild the freedom of being who they are. Be respectful of the trust instilled in you by your grandchild disclosing their identity to you. Be willing to change your perspective and beliefs that may be engrained from the past.

As an LGBTQIA+ ally, you will find the communities inclusive and welcoming.

 

Create a welcoming, loving environment

Even if you don’t quite understand your LGBTQIA+ grandchild, your support is the easiest and best thing you can give them.

Let your grandchild know that you love them unconditionally. Ensure that your home is a safe, judgement-free place where your grandchild can express their full self.

To create a welcoming environment:

  • Use a gentle tone of voice
  • Be sensitive to the emotional labour of “coming out” or “inviting in”
  • Let them express themselves, regardless of social norms
  • Avoid derogatory language and slurs
  • Be mindful of facial expressions and reactions
  • Don’t say “I always knew you were…”
  • Don’t make jokes or laugh at their self-expression
  • Don’t demand information or ask intrusive personal questions
  • Don’t minimise their experience or say “it’s just a phase”

 

Don’t treat them like they’re different

Your LGBTQIA+ grandchild shows resilience, strength, and pride in the face of adversity every day. Society has long treated many LGBTQIA+ individuals like they are different, lesser, or bad.

Your grandchild is likely worried about how you’ll feel about their identity. They may fear judgement or rejection, or that their relationship with you will be damaged.

Avoid treating your grandchild like something has changed after they have come out as LGBTQIA+. Show them the same love and respect that you show to your other grandchildren. Ensure them that this won’t change your relationship with them.

 

Do your own research

Many LGBTQIA+ individuals find themselves having to “teach” others about gender and/or sexuality. This assumed responsibility can be frustrating and exhausting.

Show that you care and become a respectful, informed ally by doing your own research. Minus 18 and PFLAG+ Brisbane are excellent resources for parents, grandparents, and allies.

Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms include:

  • Inviting in: Disclosing one’s gender and/or sexuality. For some, the phrase “coming out” holds a negative connotation of being something to be hidden away.
  • Ally: Someone who stands up for and supports members of the LGTBQIA+ communities, and in this case is usually someone who is heterosexual and/or cisgender.
  • Gender or gender identity: One’s sense of whether they are a man, woman, non-binary, or a combination of one or more of these. Gender can be binary (man or woman), or non-binary (including people who have no binary gender at all and people who have some relationship to binary gender/genders).
  • Sexuality: A person’s identity in relation to the gender(s) they are typically attracted to.
  • Sex: A classification people are often given at birth based on external characteristics.

You can read about the up-to-date terminology on the Australian Institute of Family Studies website.

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Disclosing as LGBTQIA+ takes a great deal of courage, and it is a significant event that your grandchild will remember for the rest of their life.

Your grandchild trusts you enough to talk about their identity. Don’t break that trust by disclosing this information to anyone else, even if that includes your grandchild’s parents. Gender and/or sexual identity are extremely personal, and control over that information is a right that should not be taken away.

 

Monitor their mental health

LGBTQIA+ individuals are at increased risk of encountering acts of discrimination, including bullying, hate crimes, and exclusion. Research shows that young LGBTQIA+ Australians are between three and fifteen times as likely to attempt suicide. There is also significantly increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and psychological distress.

Keep an eye on your grandchild for signs of self-harm, withdrawal, depression, or anxiety. If you notice these signs or any other alarming behaviours, remind your grandchild that you support them, and encourage them to seek support from a GP.

 

Our Rainbow Program supports the mental health and wellbeing of individuals who are gender and/or sexuality diverse.

If you or an older person you know need help in mending a relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

Is your older loved one facing emotional abuse?

Posted on by admin

Emotional abuse, also referred to as psychological abuse, is non-physical behaviour that frightens, controls, or isolates the victim. Emotional abuse often accompanies other types of abuse, but it can be just as dangerous on its own.

Older people are especially vulnerable to abuse; research suggests that 1 in 6 older Australians have experienced abuse in the past year.

In this blog post, we will explore some signs and risk factors of emotional elder abuse. We will also provide some insight on what to do if you suspect someone is at risk of elder abuse, and how you can prevent this abuse from happening further.

 

Who is most vulnerable to elder emotional abuse?

The seniors in our community are incredibly vulnerable to abuse, so it is our job to look after them.

Older Australians may be more at risk for emotional abuse if they:

  • Do not live with a partner; are unmarried or widowed
  • Have mental or physical health impairments
  • Live in a lower-income household or area
  • Have debt or live in rental accommodation
  • Have less frequent contact with family or friends
  • Are living in someone else’s home, such as an adult child

 

What are the signs of emotional abuse against an elderly person?

Emotional abuse is often difficult to identify or to prove due to its gradual nature and to the control that it often has over the victim. The victim may not even realise they are being abused.

“If you put a frog in boiling water, it’ll jump straight out. If you put it in cold water and gradually bring it to the boil, it’ll sit right there until it dies.”
– John Niven

Common signs of emotional elder abuse include:

  • Self-neglect
  • Self-devaluation
  • Minimising their own needs
  • Resignation, withdrawal
  • Fearfulness
  • Confusion
  • Agitation or anger
  • Shyness
  • Rocking back and forth
  • A decline in self-esteem
  • Self-harm
  • Worry or anxiety before, during, or after seeing a specific person
  • Avoidance of eye contact with a specific person
  • Changes in appetite or sleep patterns
  • Social withdrawal

 

Who might inflict emotional elder abuse?

Perpetrators of emotional elder abuse are usually someone whom the victim should be able to trust.

The most common perpetrators are:

  • an adult child or stepchild
  • a grandchild
  • a partner
  • a paid caregiver
  • an acquaintance such as a neighbour

Abuse may be intentional or unintentional, but it is never okay. The perpetrator may not even realise they are being abusive due to underlying factors, such as poor mental health.

 

What kind of behaviours are emotionally abusive?

Common emotionally abusive behaviours include:

  • Pressuring, bullying, intimidating
  • Verbal abuse, name-calling
  • Yelling
  • Silent treatment
  • Child-like treatment
  • Threats to harm a person or their pets
  • Threats to sell or destroy property
  • Emotional blackmail, such as threats to withdraw access to people or services
  • Preventing contact with family and friends
  • Denying access to phone or computer
  • Withholding mail
  • Preventing engagement with religion or culture
  • Relocating them away from family or friends

 

How you can help an older person you suspect is at risk

Elderly people are amongst the most vulnerable of our community, so preventing elder abuse is everyone’s job. Research shows that 6 in 10 older Australians experiencing abuse do not seek help.

You can help prevent emotional elder abuse by:

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of elder abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?