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It’s normal to look for answers when your partner has been unfaithful.

You might ask yourself what you did or what you could’ve done to prevent this from happening.

But it’s important to remember the responsibility lies with the person who cheated, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, affairs are more common than you’d think. An estimated 60% of men and 45% of women have had an affair within their marriage.

We explore some common reasons why people cheat on their partners – even in seemingly happy relationships.

Sexually Addictive Behaviour

In some cases, cheating can be a result of sexually addictive or compulsive behaviours.

While there’s no excuse for infidelity within a monogamous relationship, sexually addictive behaviours and mental health conditions such as histrionic personality disorder may drive people to seek sexual and/or emotional intimacy outside their relationship.

Feeling Disconnected or Unloved

Cheating isn’t always about filling unmet physical needs. Some people seek emotional intimacy outside their relationship when they’re feeling disconnected from or neglected by their partner.

This might manifest as a physical affair or solely as an emotional affair, where they develop a romantic bond that doesn’t involve sexual relations. This type of infidelity can happen in person, online, or over the phone.

In some cases, the two people may never even meet in person. But emotional cheating can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.

A Fear of Commitment

The thought of committing to one person can bring feelings of stress, pressure, and doubt for some people, even in a happy relationship.

Some people may cheat as a ‘last hurrah’ or due to ‘cold feet’ prior to getting married.

Their Own Self-Esteem or Self-Worth

Some people seek sexual attention as a form of validation or an ego boost. This can be particularly true for people who are insecure and have low self-esteem.

They might rely on people outside their relationship to make them feel attractive and desirable. This can be true for people who don’t feel validated in this way by their partner, but also in relationships that are full of affection and sexual activity.

Cheating is often a reflection of their insecurities, and no amount of attention and affection from their partner would prevent them from seeking more elsewhere. In these cases, the short-term self-gratification from cheating is more important than the long-term goal of maintaining their relationship.

As a Way to End the Relationship

Some people find it difficult to address issues with their partner and may use cheating as an escape or a way to ‘sabotage’ the relationship.

This may be due to an avoidant attachment style, commitment issues, or dissatisfaction in the relationship that they’re unwilling to work on. Cheating might be their way to drive their partner away and end things without having to initiate a difficult breakup conversation.

Why else would happy people cheat?

There are many reasons why people might seek romantic or sexual attention outside their relationship, and this can vary from person to person. The person who had the affair may not even have the answers themselves.

If you need some extra support following infidelity, our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental space. We also provide relationship counselling for couples looking to repair after infidelity.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

If your partner has cheated, you can find advice on how to focus on yourself, and to build your self-esteem here.

It’s natural for your self-esteem to take a blow after you’ve been cheated on.

And with that, it can even be difficult to focus on the self-care you deserve in times like this. But there is a lot you can do to remind yourself you’re worthy of love, and to heal after being cheated on.

We’ll take you through some tips on how to build your self-esteem, and how to love yourself after being cheated on.

Don’t blame yourself

Your partner’s decision to cheat isn’t a reflection of you. It doesn’t mean something’s “wrong” with you, or that you did anything wrong.

People cheat for many reasons. Often, it’s an indication of their own issues, such as insecurity or a need for validation. But no matter the reason, you can affirm to yourself that you played no part.

Surround yourself with people who build you up

Your friends and family can often serve as a great reminder of the quality of your relationships, and the love and appreciation you deserve. Whether it’s a cup of tea, a chat, a laugh, and outing, there are endless ways of refilling your cup with your support network.

Creating new memories with your loved ones can also help take your mind off the cheating and the breakup.

Do things that make you feel proud

Now’s an opportunity to focus on all the things that make you feel good about and proud of yourself.

Whether it’s going to the gym, practising an instrument, or cooking new recipes, indulge in activities that let you flex your favourite skills.

Identify and manage your triggers

Being cheated on can be a traumatic experience – it’s normal to be triggered by overthinking, reminders of the situation, and uncomfortable topics.

Being in touch with your triggers is a form of self-compassion. When you learn how to handle these triggers, it can boost your confidence in facing everyday situations.

Some strategies for managing triggers include:

• Confiding in a friend
• Doing breathing exercises
• Taking a step back from the situation
• Connecting with professional support.

Let yourself experience your emotions

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, confused, happy, optimistic, pessimistic, annoyed, calm, and every other emotion in between.

And they’re all completely okay.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself time to feel your feelings. Remember, healing isn’t linear; there will be ups and downs, and some days will be easier than others.

It’s okay to cry, scream, and to talk about your feelings. And reminding yourself that they’re okay is a great way to help reinforce your self-esteem.

Seek professional support

Feelings can be complicated following a breakup, especially when cheating is involved.

There’s no shame in seeking professional help, like counselling. Talking to a counsellor can help you process your feelings and find healthy ways to cope, recover, and love yourself again.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Everyone’s path after being cheated on will be different. If your path includes a separation with kids, you can find support for how to approach the topic of separation with children here.

Checking in with your partner can help with communicating honestly, growing your understanding of each other, and making sure everyone’s needs are being met. One way to do this is to ask each other relationship check-in questions.  

These questions can even form a relationship check-in template, so each time you check in with each other, you have your questions ready. By taking the time to check in regularly, you can proactively address any issues, share your needs, and increase understanding and trust in your relationship.  

Knowing which questions to ask can be tricky, so we’ve created a list of 10 possible relationship check-in questions you can use when checking in with your partner.  

1. What do you love most about our relationship?

Starting with this question is a good way to set the tone for your check-in. Relationship check-in questions can often feel intimidating, but it’s important to remember these questions aren’t the start of a breakup or fight. Instead, they’re a way to make sure you’re both feeling heard and cared for.  

2. What would you change about our relationship?

This question may sound scary – to ask and to answer. We often think that if something needs to change, then something’s wrong or bad. But that’s not always the case. Your car’s oil needs changing, does that mean you have a bad or faulty car? No. It means it needs something changed so it can run better. This can be the same for changes in your relationship.  

3. What would you like more of from me?

We can shy away from asking our partner questions about our relationship because we’re worried about being judged or criticised. Avoiding the negative language of “what am I doing wrong?” and swapping it with “what would you like more of from me?” gives you and your partner a way to tell each other what you need, without blaming or criticising.   

4. What would you like less of from me?

This gives you and your partner a chance to let each other know about something you could do without. Maybe in your last check-in, you told your partner you needed more affection because you were feeling low, but now things have gotten better and you don’t need as much. No one has done anything wrong; your needs have just changed.  

5. Is there anything that’s been bothering you that we haven’t talked about yet?

For some, vocalising issues or things they’re bothered by is not something they’re used to or comfortable with. Inviting your partner to share these things with you can create a safe space for discussion where they may feel more open to share.  

6. How do you feel about our communication?

You may have heard the term “communication is key” thrown around before. The truth is, communication is incredibly important – it’s how we’re understood. When we struggle with communication in our relationship, it can create problems with understanding and trust. Making sure you and your partner are communicating in a way that’s good for both of you can help make sure you’re both feeling heard and understood.  

7. When do you feel the most loved and appreciated?

Talking about the positive is important. Most relationships are filled with good stuff, so make sure you celebrate what’s working well. We can all do things to make our partner feel special, and hearing how the partner feels loved and valued can bring you closer together.  

8. Do you feel like we’re spending enough quality time together?

Quality time is more than just spending time with each other; it means being present and attentive. If you’re spending time together but you’re on your phone the whole time, you’re not focused on your partner, and this can give the impression that they’re not valued. Quality time helps with connection and strengthening your bond and can make us feel cared for and seen.  

9. What can I do to make your days better or easier?

Sometimes, our partners go through big things without reaching out – even when they want or need to. This may be because they have never done so before, or the situation isn’t something they’re comfortable talking about. Asking how you can make their days better or easier gives them the chance to ask for help without explaining why they need it.  

10. What would you like to do or achieve together between now and our next check-in?

Depending on what you have both found at the end of your check in, you might want to put more effort into a specific part of your relationship. If it’s quality time, you may want to have a date night without your phones. If it’s communication, you may want to start and finish a DIY project where you need to communicate and collaborate. 

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating or looking for some extra support, our counsellors can assist you in a safe and supportive environment.  

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here. 

In a relationship, it’s not uncommon to have highs and lows when it comes to emotional intimacy. We share some tips on how you can build emotional intimacy in your relationship here.  

Are there signs in your relationships which make you feel like something is “not right”?

Find out how to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship so you can manage the situation, set healthy boundaries, and safely leave if necessary.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

There are many signs and behaviours which can present as concerning within intimate relationships. The presence of one or more of these behaviours doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed, but it may be time to consider your needs and emotional wellbeing:

Walking on eggshells

Does your partner make you feel guilty for spending time with your family and friends? Do they constantly criticise as a “joke”? Do you avoid talking about some topics out of fear or judgement?

You are allowed to spend time with your family and friends – in fact, the quality of our relationships contributes to the quality of our life overall. You should also feel comfortable and safe to discuss anything that’s on your mind, without worrying about getting into trouble with your partner.   

Communication breakdown

Does your partner shut down every time you try to talk about your feelings?

Being able to talk openly and be heard is essential in any relationship. It helps to build trust and create an open channel of communication between both partners, even in situations where you may not agree with each other.

Being controlled

Does your partner try to control what you wear, who you talk to, or where you go? Are they unsupportive or jealous of your achievements?

It’s important to remember that individuals within a relationship will have different tastes in clothes, hobbies, and even friends. You have the right to decide what you wear, whom you talk to, and where you go.

Celebrating achievements is a form of respect and shows a genuine interest in recognising your efforts in achieving a goal.

Gaslighting 

Gaslighting refers to behaviour where a partner might manipulate your words or beliefs, causing you to question your own reality or decisions. They may deny things they’ve said or done, or use terms like “that was a joke”, which can make you feel like you’re imagining things or misunderstood what was said.

This is a form of emotional abuse.

Being gaslit can affect your emotional well-being such as no longer trusting your judgement, or being overly careful about what you say and do out of fear.

Ignoring your boundaries

In a toxic relationship, boundaries often get crossed or dismissed.

Does your partner go through your phone or email without permission when you’ve asked them not to? Do they pressure you to do things which make you feel uncomfortable? Do they take money from a joint bank account without discussing with you?

These behaviours could be a sign that your partner is ignoring your needs or wants, and disrespecting your boundaries.

Lack of self-care

Have you stopped doing hobbies, neglected your health, or repeatedly sacrificed free time?

It’s normal for things to be postponed due to a busy life.

But if done because of how your partner reacts when you prioritise self-care, over time, you may become resentful which will affect your well-being and the relationship.

If you recognise any of these signs, you can take steps to protect your well-being, and improve the health of your relationships.

Prioritising self-care

It is easy to “lose yourself” in a relationship. However, prioritising self-care is important for your well-being.

Self-care involves taking time out to do something that brings you joy. This may be going for a nature hike, listening to your favourite music, or learning a new language for a future trip. How about creating a joy list?

Engaging in a fun activity allows you to take a break from continuously thinking about problems. It can help you manage your stress and even re-energise you. Research has shown self-care may improve your mood, help solve problems with a clearer mind, and feel positive about the future.  

Recognising and acknowledging red flags in a relationship can be hard. But once you do, you can take the necessary steps to protect yourself and move towards healthier relationships.

Setting boundaries

A healthy relationship involves open and honest communication where both partners feel heard and respected. You have the right to make choices about what affects your life.

To regain control of your relationship so that both parties feel heard, valued, and respected, it may be time to set boundaries.

You can do this by:

• Using open communication – Express your needs and feelings clearly to your partner by using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel uncomfortable when” rather than “You always make me feel”.
• Be specific – Clearly explain the types of behaviour which are unacceptable. You may say “I need you to respect my privacy by not going through personal stuff without permission.”
• Be firm – Stick to your boundaries even if your partner tries to ignore, pushes back, or manipulates you. Keep reminding yourself that you have the right to feel safe and heard.
• Seek support – If you’re struggling to set boundaries or feel your partner isn’t respecting them, reach out to trusted family members, friends, or a counsellor for support and guidance.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

We offer advice about how to manage conflict in a relationship in our blog post Signs of an Abusive Relationship | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)