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Healing and Hope: Moving Forward after The Voice Referendum

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There’s a lot of global unrest and devastation happening in the news. But many of us are still processing the outcome of last year’s referendum. 

On the 14th of October 2023, Australians voted on a proposal to enshrine a First Nations advisory body in the constitution. 

With just 39.9% of legal votes in favour of this change, the Voice to Parliament was rejected. 

First Nations leaders who campaigned for The Voice called for a week of silence to grieve and reflect on the result. 

“Now is not the time to dissect the reasons for this tragic outcome,” the statement read. 

“This will be done in the weeks, years and decades to come. Now is the time for silence, to mourn and deeply consider the consequence of this outcome.” 

Many First Nations Peoples and allies, including RAQ staff members, are still grappling with the grief of the referendum result. 

We acknowledge the pain and disappointment still felt today. 

The Voice debate and related conversations took a heavy toll on many First Nations Peoples, regardless of their vote. 

Being the focus of strong political opinions, misinformation, and increased instances of racism had a significant impact on some First Nations Peoples’ mental, emotional, social, and spiritual wellbeing. For some, these impacts will continue long after the vote. 

We honour the years of work and dreaming of the First Nations Peoples, Elders, and Leaders who advocated for a Voice. 

It is owing to this continued heavy lifting and emotional labour that the conversation around enshrining a First Nations Voice in the Constitution reached a national level. 

We express our deepest gratitude to our First Nations workforce who generously shared their diverse voices, experiences, and perspectives, leading our organisation to a position of Yes. 

RAQ will continue to do the work and to say Yes in our ongoing commitment to cultural fitness and our organisation’s Reconciliation Action Plan (RAP). 

We have dedicated a significant focus on arts and cultural healing as part of our RAP commitment to working even closer with First Nations Leaders, Elders, and sector peers, along with our RAP partners and allies. 

We’re embracing arts and cultural healing as a vehicle to address the inequities First Nations Peoples experience in Australia and the harm they have experienced historically as an impact of colonisation.  

This harm was further exacerbated in the leadup to the referendum through mythmaking and falsehoods spread in the media, along with increased reports of racialised violence against First Nations Peoples and allies across Australia.  

“First Nations Leaders and their communities, alongside allies across our sector, seek to heal, stand strong, hold hope, and work toward peace that produces a more equitable, shared future with all other Australians.”

– Aunty Debra Bennet, Lead Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Engagement, Arts and Cultural Healing and Cultural Advisor, Relationships Australia Qld

The South Australia Government has committed to a state-based implementation of the Uluru Statement from the Heart –_Voice, Treaty and Truth_– commencing with the South Australian First Nations Voice to Parliament. 

This independent advisory body will be made up of six Local First Nations Voices and a State First Nations Voice. 

RAQ commends South Australia for taking this important step toward a fairer and more healing future.  

We encourage the Queensland Government to follow South Australia’s example with a state-based First Nations Voice to Parliament, consistent with international human rights standards. 

We’re hopeful to see this crucial step toward Voice, Treaty and Truth in the near future, and we will continue to stand strongly for the rights of our First Nations Peoples, the oldest living culture in the world. 

While we regather hope for the future, it’s important we know the signs we might need to reach out for help from community or a professional. These might include: 

  • Increased anxiety and depression__ 
  • Changes in sleep and appetite__ 
  • Feeling fearful and unsafe__ 
  • Feelings of shame__ 
  • Trauma and PTSD__ 
  • Chronic stress__ 
  • Suicidal thoughts.__ 

If you notice these signs in yourself or someone you know, free and confidential help is available 24/7._ 

RAQ offers culturally safe counselling and support services for First Nations Peoples. You can call_1300 364 277_to make an appointment or get help finding the right support for you._ 

Lifeline – 13 11 14 

24/7 crisis support 

13YARN – 13 92 76 

24/7 crisis support from an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander Crisis Supporter 

Brother to Brother – 1800 435 799 

24/7 crisis support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men of all ages 

Yarning SafeNStrong – 1800 959 563 

24/7 crisis support from an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander Crisis Supporter 

How to be Supportive When a Friend Comes Out to You

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“My friend came out to me – what do I say?”

This question is more common than you may think.

‘Coming out’ – or more recently called ‘inviting in’ – refers to someone in the LGBTQIA+ communities self-disclosing their sexual or gender identity.

Knowing what to say when someone comes out to you can be difficult. Everyone has different experiences and needs, and there’s no one-fits-all perfect response.

We offer some suggestions to help your loved one feel supported and seen during and after this important conversation.

 

Be Affirming and Thank Them for Telling You

It can take a lot of bravery to come out to someone.

LGBTQIA+ identifying people may hesitate to self-disclose due to:

  • Fear of being shunned or judged
  • Fear of violence and backlash
  • Fear of losing relationships because of who they are.

It’s an honour to have someone feel safe enough to share that part of themselves, so be sure to acknowledge this by thanking them for telling you.

Affirm the importance of their identity and let them know you’ll be there to support them. Tell them you accept and respect who they are, and this doesn’t change or affect your relationship.

 

Mirror Their Energy

Your reaction isn’t just about what you say, but how you say it.

Let your friend set the tone of the conversation, and try to react similarly to how you were told.

If they broke the news in a casual way, you can react casually. It doesn’t always need to be a big, emotional moment – your friend may be more comfortable keeping it relaxed.

But if they deliver the news as a significant moment with a lot of emotion, you can treat it as such by responding with a lot of empathy, support, and gratitude. You might even want to offer them a hug or high-five depending on your relationship.

 

Respect Their Confidentiality

If someone chooses to share the news of who they are with you, it’s important to remember this is very personal. Let your friend know you understand this is not your story to tell, and you can and will keep this to yourself.

Coming out is a big decision for a lot of people in the LGBTQIA+ communities, and it’s their right to come out to or ‘invite in’ who they choose, when they choose.

 

Stay Educated on LGBTQIA+ Issues

Saying the right thing is not the first and last step in being there for someone who has come out to you. It’s important to keep supporting them through their entire journey, and part of supporting is understanding.

You most likely won’t know everything then and there, and while asking them questions is great, you can and should do your own research. Understanding their identity better will help you to support them better.

You can also keep yourself educated and informed on what’s going on in the community, what issues they’re facing, and the importance of inclusion. Staying educated will help you be a genuine ally to your LGBTQIA+ friends.

 

If you’re having difficulty with coming to terms with or supporting someone through their coming out journey, you may find our counselling services helpful.

We also offer specialised counselling for people in the LGBTQIA+ communities. This may be helpful to recommend to a friend who has recently come out and needs some professional support.

For more tips to communicate and respond effectively, you may find this blog post helpful: How to Be a Good Listener | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)

How to Build Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship

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Emotional intimacy can be a bit like a battery. The early stages of a relationship are often spent charging it up with deep conversations, dates, affection, spontaneous gifts – the list goes on.

We tend to rely on that charge as life inevitably gets in the way and we’re too distracted or stressed to recharge the battery.

But when we let our emotional intimacy decline, our relationship suffers. We might feel a lack of understanding, support, and overall connection with our partner.

It’s crucial to pay attention to the emotional intimacy in your relationship and make an effort to keep that battery level where you need it to be to feel safe and loved.

Whether you’re looking to build emotional intimacy with a new partner or you’d like to recharge the supplies in your long-term relationship, there are some simple techniques that can help you feel closer.

 

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Asking your partner “Did you have a good day?” might feel like a nice gesture. But as a closed question, it can feel more like a ticking of a box than an invitation to share. They can easily answer “Yes”, and the conversation is over.

Instead, try asking “What did you get up to today?”.

An open-ended question invites them to really share their experience. If they had a good day, they might share their wins. If they didn’t, they might let you know what’s troubled them.

Either way, you’ve just created an opportunity to connect that would have otherwise been missed.

 

Actively Listen to Their Answers

When your partner does open up, do your best to engage positively with them. You can do this by giving them your full attention, asking follow-up questions, and offering support where you can.

Open-ended questions aren’t just a chance for your partner to share – they’re a springboard to open you both up to a meaningful discussion where you can learn more about each other and grow closer.

We offer more tips to be a better listener here.

 

Add Rituals to Your Routine

Adding rituals to your daily routine increases opportunities for interaction and gives you something to look forward to together. These could be grand events or small moments of connection, such as:

  • Evening walks
  • Jigsaw puzzles
  • Weekend picnics
  • Trips to the markets
  • Phone-free movie nights
  • Cooking together with music playing.

What you choose should be reflective of what you and your partner enjoy doing.

By scheduling in a ritual, you can reduce the mental load of planning emotional intimacy while reaping all the rewards of shared experiences.

 

Share Your Favourite Traits About Each Other

One of the best ways to build emotional intimacy in your relationship is by sharing what you love about your partner.

It’s common for compliments to dwindle after the honeymoon phase. But don’t underestimate the power of some thoughtful words of affirmation to make your partner feel appreciated.

Let them know you admire their dedication to their family, passion for nature, sense of humour, or any other trait that makes them who they are.

Instead of telling your partner “I love you”, you can show it by saying “I really love how committed you are to helping others” or “I love that I’m always laughing when I’m with you”.

Being more specific in why you love your partner will help them feel seen and give your emotional intimacy battery a boost.

 

Write Bucket Lists Together

Having shared goals and experiences can help you build emotional intimacy through your day-to-day activities.

Take some time to talk about your vision for the future together, and write a bucket list of short-term and long-term goals.

Your bucket list items might include:

  • Finishing renovations
  • Travelling to certain countries
  • Mastering a new hobby or skill
  • Signing up for a sport or fitness class
  • Helping support your child through tertiary studies.

This exercise allows you to learn more about each other and bond over shared interests and values.

Plus, you can refer back to your list for motivation and conversation-starters when you crave connection.

 

Improve Communication with Counselling

Healthy communication is critical to a strong relationship. If you and your partner aren’t communicating effectively, you can experience misunderstandings, conflict, and emotional distance.

The good news is healthy communication skills can be learnt.

Counselling can be a positive step to improving the communication and closeness in your relationship.

And you don’t need to be running on an empty battery to benefit from counselling. Every couple can learn practical tools that strengthen their partnership and give their emotional intimacy a welcome recharge.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

It’s not uncommon to feel lonely in relationships where emotional intimacy is low. We explore what causes – and cures – loneliness in relationships here.

Coercive control: It’s time we all get comfortable being uncomfortable

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By CEO Natasha Rae 

After over a decade of advocacy, the Queensland Government has passed legislation to criminalise coercive control as a standalone offence.

Behaviour from adults such as verbal abuse, financial control, emotional abuse, and social isolation will carry jail sentences of up to 14 years when the laws come into force next year.

These changes will aim to address Australia’s alarmingly high rate of domestic abuse.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) reported that 23% of adult women and 16% of adult men have experienced emotional abuse by a partner since the age of 15. They also showed 58% of women and 26% of men who experienced emotional abuse from a partner were also victims of physical or sexual violence by a partner.

Think of Australia as a dinner party you’re hosting with 20 of your closest friends and family. This might include your parents, siblings, and oldest friends.

Of those 20 people sitting, chatting, and laughing around the dinner table, four of your guests would have experienced emotional abuse from their partner. Two would have experienced physical or sexual violence from their partner.

It’s uncomfortable to talk about how high that number is. It can be even more uncomfortable to talk about what coercive control looks like, and what effects it can have on victims and survivors.

But staying comfortable comes at a cost. It keeps these issues hidden, unreported, and ongoing.

‘Coercive control’ is still a reasonably young concept. Many Queenslanders don’t know what behaviour is being criminalised or how these laws will protect them.

This type of abuse can be especially harmful as it can be difficult to ‘prove’, and easy for the perpetrator to manipulate their victim into thinking they’re just being sensitive.

Controlling and manipulative behaviours may even be disguised as ‘caring’ or ‘protective’. For example, someone might demand to know where their partner is at all times and say it’s “just because they care”.

So how does the public gain enough information to know what constitutes ‘coercive control’ and report these behaviours? We need to be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations about coercive control.

Advocates of these law changes, such as the families of domestic violence victims Hannah Clarke and Alison Baden-Clay, have been heroic in their efforts to bring these issues into the public eye. And it’s time we all learn from their brave examples and talk about what behaviours might suggest someone isn’t okay.

These might include some of the warning signs someone is experiencing coercive control in their relationship, such as:

  • A lack of privacy and independence in their relationship
  • Someone walking on eggshells around their partner
  • Feeling like their partner has the “upper hand” in the relationship
  • Second-guessing themselves and wondering if they’re just being sensitive.

We also need to be prepared for these conversations to arise themselves. As these laws are enforced and cases begin to be reported, it’s likely we’ll be confronted with situations where one of our dinner guests will have experienced coercive control. Will we be well-positioned to help support that person?

Reducing coercive control in our communities requires everyone in the community to care.

We’re experiencing a domestic and family violence epidemic. It’s taking lives, and it impacts all of us. It’s time we accept the uncomfortable reality that our loved ones may not be okay.

These historic laws are a significant step in protecting survivors and holding perpetrators accountable.

But for these laws to be truly effective, all Queenslanders need to educate ourselves on what they mean, be prepared to have the tough conversations – whether that’s privately or at a dinner party – and challenge our own discomfort to be part of the solution.

You can learn more about coercive control here.

 

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Talk to Kids About Separation

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Approaching the topic of separation with little ones can be overwhelming. The temptation can be to either delay sharing the news or to ‘rip the band-aid off’. 

In many cases, it’s best to be open about the separation as soon as possible. Otherwise, children can often come up with their own explanations for the things they’ve noticed – and may even think they’ve done something wrong. 

So what’s the best way to talk to kids about separation? There’s no definitive answer, and every family will be a little different. But with the right steps and considerations in place, you can have these conversations in the most positive means possible. 

 

Listen to Your Child

You’ll probably feel like there’s a lot to discuss and a lot to organise when raising this topic. But information-dumping on your child can make them feel like they’re not allowed to express their feelings in these types of discussions. 

Be mindful to give your child as many chances as possible to share what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. Welcome questions and remind them they can ask any questions they might think of later. This will help set the foundation for a healthy, collaborative, and caring discussion. 

 

Use Age-Appropriate Language

Explaining divorce to a child will vary significantly based on their age and development. For example, ‘coparenting’ is a term and concept most young children wouldn’t understand. 

Try to find terms and phrases that fit their level of understanding and keep things clear and simple. You can see how certain phrases might be delivered differently to suit different ages in these general examples: 

Speaking to Toddlers 

Speaking to Teenagers 

“One week you’ll stay at my home, and the next week, you’ll stay at your mummy’s/daddy’s home”. 

“We’ll share custody as evenly as we can, so you’ll still get quality time with each of us between our two homes.”  

“We won’t live together anymore, but we’ll always be a family. We both love you so much, and we’ll keep loving you no matter what.” 

“Relationships can be complicated, but even if we’re not together anymore, nothing changes that you’re loved by both of us, and our relationship with you will always be our top priority.” 

Naturally, the specific things you need to discuss will vary from family to family. But using developmentally appropriate language can help ensure there’s no misunderstanding or false expectations moving forward. 

 

Cover the Logistics

The concept of separation can lead to a lot of questions for a child. If you’ve already arranged solutions with the other parent/party, you should try and inform your child of things like: 

  • Where they’ll live with each party 
  • How much time they’ll get with those they’ll want to see 
  • Whether they’ll need to change schools or social activities 
  • Anything that changes their routine due to new budgets or arrangements 
  • Anything else the child has on their mind that may change as a result. 

The more you can share with your child, the less room they’ll have to speculate or worry. Remember to keep things clear and direct, and encourage them to ask any questions. 

 

Reassure Them

Separation and divorce can be a challenging time for kids of all ages. They can notice things in relationships and falsely assign causes, blame, and make other links that aren’t there. So while it might seem obvious to you that your child’s not to blame, it might not be as obvious to them. 

Providing plenty of reassurance that it’s not their fault and everyone loves them can help reduce some of these anxieties and fears. 

 

Look After Yourself

Separation can be emotionally and mentally taxing. It’s important to look after yourself for your own wellbeing and for the benefit of your whole family. 

As they say on planes, you should put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. With some appropriate self-care, you’ll be better placed to guide your child through this uncertain time. 

If you need support navigating separation and reaching an agreement on parenting, property, financial, and personal issues, mediation or Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) can be a great option. 

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the appropriate support for you.

For more advice, you might find our list of coparenting boundaries helpful. 

Lessons from Women in Leadership

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We’re celebrating International Women’s Day (8 March) by platforming some of the highly talented and dedicated women who make up our leadership team.

It takes a village to power RAQ, and we value the contribution and expertise of all 411 of our passionate staff.

We’re proud to foster a supportive work environment that champions diversity and inclusion.

83.6% of our staff identify as female, and 83.3% of our management positions are held by women, including an all-female executive team.

These RAQ leaders have generously shared some of the valuable lessons they’ve learned on their professional journeys.

 

Remember the importance of your values

Over the years, I’ve built up a variety of skills and experience that has helped me develop and grow into various leadership roles in my career, leading me to some incredible organisations that do amazing things for the people they serve.

Working with a mentor helped me articulate a clear understanding of my core value as an employee and the personal values that I bring to the table. The values I hold help guide my decision-making, my leadership style, and the interactions I have with my team.

I’ve found that when you uphold your values consistently, this helps to build credibility. It fosters trust in your team and helps get positive outcomes and progress for the organisation.

Cassandra Ashton – General Manager, Strategy & Innovation

 

There is only one you

There have been many times in my life when people around me generously shared all their knowledge and wisdom – whether I asked for it or not.

When I started a relationship, chose a course to study, was pregnant, had a baby… there were lots of people who shared what they did and what I should do. Some of the information was helpful, some of it wasn’t, and all of it was well-intentioned.

As a leader, there has been lots of advice given to me about how to lead. Some of that advice came from people who I greatly admired. It took me a while to realise that there is only one me and I needed to trust myself.

We can all learn from others, and my commitment is to always reflect and grow. Learning to grow included learning to listen to myself, to trust my own strengths, and to listen to the quiet voice inside me.  

There is only one me – and I have a lot to offer. When we trust ourselves and value our own strengths, we offer genuine leadership and courage.  

Natasha Rae – Chief Executive Officer

 

Turn talk into action

I often ask myself, “What is the action that could happen here as a result of this conversation?”

I find I use my work time better when the discussions I’m in lead to action I’ll take, or action someone else agrees to take in the business. If the talking doesn’t lead to an action, I question the value of the talking and reflect on what other needs the talking is serving.

I then use this motto when leading other people in working groups and catchup meetings. What is the action they think they need to take to help them achieve their priorities and the organisation’s priorities?

Sometimes a person can’t yet articulate the problem, what they’re trying to change, or what they have in their control to address a particular issue. And this is a good place to make space for exploring, “What needs to happen next to turn the talk into action?”

Dr. Jemima Petch – Head of Practice

 

Understanding different behavioural styles builds exceptional teams

Before starting at RAQ, I worked as a consultant for an amazing female leader who taught me a crucial lesson: understanding people’s different behavioural styles is the cornerstone of building exceptional teams.

When people learn to appreciate what makes them different, they can leverage each other’s strengths.

She demonstrated the unique ability to tap into people’s behavioural styles, understand them, and do something small to show gratitude and appreciation. She taught me that by acknowledging each team member’s unique contributions, we create an environment where everyone feels valued and empowered. 

It’s not always easy! Working with people with various behavioural types requires empathy and adaptability. There must be open, honest communication and mutual respect.

The sweet spot? A team where every voice matters and every skill counts.

Here at RAQ, I’ve seen time and again how diverse perspectives fuel creativity and problem-solving. In the end, it’s the sum of our differences that brings us success.

Toni Meehan – Program Manager

 

Leaders are not always in leadership roles

Leadership inspiration can come from anyone, anywhere, and being in a leadership role doesn’t necessarily make you a leader.

Recently I have been inspired by conversations with a couple of admin staff. Their professional integrity and accountability, self-reflection, and trust in themselves was inspirational. As are practitioners who lead and guide their clients through collaborative and purposeful practice.

So continue to seek inspiration from those around you – you can always learn something.

Kate Lloyd – Manager of Clinical Supervision

 

Your voice is strengthened with silence

Learning how and when to use my voice has been a lifelong journey for me. Being fortunate to be raised in a well-resourced family with good education and safe home environment, learning how to use words was easy. But understanding the timing of them is a different learning. Learning when silence is more powerful and when speaking up is stronger. It’s a navigation.

The lifelong learning is about using your voice to know when to speak up against injustice. Or speaking up to create the space for others less powerful to use their voice. It’s about using your voice to ask questions that encourage change.

Helen Poynten – Regional Manager, Southwest Queensland

 

Give your team the trust and space to grow

I’ve learnt to trust staff to take authority over decisions in their assigned roles. This allows them room to be creative, find new solutions to old problems, and ultimately stretch their abilities and grow in their strengths.

I like to inspire and motivate staff without micromanaging. I do this by setting examples, building relationships for open conversations, and teaching through my experiences.

It takes strength and strong judgement to provide this place for staff to become vulnerable and accept that they may make mistakes and learn from them, as I have done in my career. Some of my biggest learnings have come from stepping out and trusting myself to be able to achieve.

Valerie Holden – Regional Manager, Sunshine Coast, Wide Bay & Moreton Bay and

Strategic Practice Lead, Senior Relationship Services & Family and Relationship Services

 

Surround yourself with support in leadership

One of my greatest pieces of advice is to have great supports in leadership around you to lean on. Leadership can be a lonely role at times, with many competing pressures.

Having fellow managers to listen and support you is what builds great management teams.

I truly value my colleagues as they bring honesty, support, and great mentorship along with differing views.

Susan Iddon – Regional Manager, Brisbane & Gold Coast

Strategic Lead, Childrens Contact Services

 

Leadership has very little to do with me and everything to do with my team

Being a leader is about understanding the direction and goal you’re working toward, being transparent about it, and knowing that you’ll never get there without your team. Making time to get to know your team individually and how they function helps to create a culture of trust, support, and authenticity.

I’ve always shared with my teams that I have an expectation that we’ll work hard. But for most of us, we spend more time at work than we do at home, so let’s make sure we’re having fun along the way and being very deliberate about making space for that fun.

Samantha Mitchell – Workforce Diversity Lead

 

Use leadership qualities in a way that feels authentic to you

In the early years of my career, I was lucky to have had a leader who not only was a great leader but had this amazing confidence in herself. I’d not seen this before and was fascinated by this unwavering confidence in herself, her team, and her decisions.

As a young woman in her early 20s, I didn’t even know women could be this confident and sure. It was inspiring, and I wanted to feel that.

This leader was generous with her time and wisdom and is still to this day someone I look up to and catch up with a few times a year. She’s been a mentor who I identified had qualities that I admired, that I wanted and needed, and I knew would be beneficial to the career I wanted to build.

Over the years, I’ve identified qualities in those around me – generally leaders who I admired – and I became curious around a specific quality or skill they had.

I’d watch how they used it, when they pulled it out and when they didn’t, and I learned over time how they used this quality to their and their team’s benefit.  Slowly over time, I learned how this quality enhanced what I could offer as a leader and team member.

This has had a huge impact on the type of leader I am. It’s one thing to identify qualities that make great leaders, but it’s another to find how these qualities authentically fit with you.

I like to think there’s no one perfect formula for a perfect leader. Good leaders come in all shapes and sizes and use a variety of leadership skills, theories, and techniques in a way that is completely authentic and genuine for them and those they lead.

Lea-Anne Meehan – Regional Manager, Metro & North Brisbane

 

You can stay up to date with RAQ news by following us on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Is my lonely older loved one socially isolated?

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Are you worried that an older loved one is lonely?

Our relationships are critical to our health and wellbeing. Staying socially connected can help us live longer, happier lives.

Social isolation includes a lack of social contacts or relationships, little to no engagement with other people, and limited opportunities for socialising.

Older adults are at high risk for social isolation due to factors like limited mobility, loss of family and friends, and living alone. Social isolation can lead to loneliness, which can be detrimental for elderly folks.

In this blog post, we’ll review how social isolation causes loneliness and is dangerous for older people. Whether it’s your grandparent, your elderly parent, or your older neighbour or family friend, we’ll share some ideas on how you can help a socially isolated older person.

 

Who is at risk of social isolation?

One in five Australian seniors are socially isolated; this rises to one-third of adults living in residential aged care.

Older folks are at increased risk of social isolation if they:

  • Live alone
  • Are an immigrant
  • Struggle financially
  • Identify as LGBTQIA+
  • Have impaired vision
  • Have impaired hearing
  • Face a language barrier
  • Are retired or not working
  • Are a victim of elder abuse
  • Are widowed or unmarried
  • Live in residential aged care
  • Live in a rural or remote area
  • Have no children or grandchildren
  • Have limited mobility or a disability
  • Have friends who have passed away
  • Have limited access to transportation
  • Experience discrimination where they live
  • Have busy adult children and grandchildren.

 

How does social isolation affect older people?

Social isolation can cause people to feel lonely. Social isolation and loneliness can seriously impact an older person’s mental and physical health, quality of life, and longevity.

When seniors are socially isolated, they face:

  • A 32% increased risk of stroke
  • A 50% increased risk of dementia
  • An increased risk of premature death
  • Higher rates of depression and anxiety
  • Higher rates of suicide and suicidal thoughts.

 

How to help a socially isolated older person

It’s up to all of us to help the older people in our lives.

If you’re worried that a senior in your life is lonely, there are a few ways you can help.

Here are some ways you can help an older person who seems lonely:

  • Visit regularly
  • Call them regularly
  • Offer to help with their shopping
  • Introduce them to other seniors you know
  • Regularly bring them a home-cooked meal
  • Help them find a local hobby group via Facebook or Meetup
  • Invite them to join you on outings or for dinner at your home
  • Teach them how to use their computer, tablet, or smartphone
  • Offer them a lift to the hairdresser, the library, or appointments
  • Check your local neighbourhood centre for any senior groups or events
  • Offer to drive them to and from local senior events or local senior groups.

The Senior Social Connect Program offers groups and events specifically aimed at reducing social isolation in older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie.

The Queensland Government website has a list of social groups and activities for seniors.

 

Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected.

If you or an older person you know is feeling lonely or socially isolated, our Senior Relationships Services are here to help. Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Social Connection Program here or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

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The Rise of Therapy Speak: Helpful or Harmful?

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Mental health has become a popular topic on social media, helping reduce stigma and increase awareness around conditions like anxiety, depression, ADHD, and autism.

But with this, terms like toxic, triggered, boundaries, and gaslighting have made their way into our everyday vocabulary.

While learning the language around our feelings can help us better identify our experiences and seek help, therapy speak can be harmful if used incorrectly.

We explore the potential risks of using therapy speak, and some of the most misused mental health terms doing the rounds online.

 

What is therapy speak?

Therapy speak refers to words normally used in psychology and relating to mental health.

Some of these phrases and concepts have recently become more common outside of clinical conversations, particularly on TikTok and other social media platforms.

Talking about mental health openly is important, but it’s just as important to understand the phrases and concepts and apply them correctly. This is more likely to positively contribute to shifting attitudes around mental health and seeking help when it’s needed.

 

Risks of Misusing Therapy Speak

Misusing and overusing mental health phrases and concepts can strip them of their true meaning.

Therapy speak can also encourage people to “armchair diagnose” themselves and the people around them of conditions they may not have.

For example, someone who simply likes to have things tidy might say:

“I’m so OCD! I need to make my bed every morning.”

This misconception can minimise and invalidate the experience of someone who has been diagnosed with OCD and understands the true symptoms of this mental health condition.

If you identify with a condition or concept you’ve heard about and want to learn more, you should speak to your GP or mental health care provider.

We explore the dangers of self-diagnosis in this blog post.

 

Commonly Misused Mental Health Terms

These are some of the most misused mental health terms and concepts we’re seeing online.

Narcissist

Narcissism is a rare personality disorder that requires a professional diagnosis.

Because one of the signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a high sense of self-importance, people use the term to label/diagnose someone they feel is selfish or arrogant.

For example:

“She posts so many selfies. She’s such a narcissist.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional and psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates and controls another person by making them second-guess their reality and judgement. It’s most common in romantic relationships and can be present on its own or alongside other abuse, such as physical or verbal.

Someone disagreeing with you doesn’t automatically mean they’re gaslighting you, and misusing this word takes away from survivors’ experiences.

For example:

“My boss doesn’t think I deserve a raise. She’s gaslighting me!”

Triggered

For someone with a history of trauma, a trigger refers to stimuli that reminds them of a traumatic experience and makes them feel like they’re reliving it, causing extreme overwhelm or distress.

Being triggered isn’t just about being upset, stressed out, or rubbed the wrong way by everyday inconveniences, and using the term in this context can minimise its severity for people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

For example:

“This traffic is crazy. I’m so triggered right now.”

Toxic

While toxic isn’t a formal psychological term, in a mental health setting, it’s generally used to describe a person or behaviour that’s destructive and distressing to others.

This word is often overused online to describe any unpleasant or unwanted behaviour.

For example:

“He ate the last Tim Tam. He’s so toxic.”

Boundaries

Personal boundaries allow us to create expectations around what we’re willing and unwilling to engage with and how we’d like to be treated in our relationships. They’re not about controlling someone else’s behaviour but communicating what we’re comfortable with.

Someone not doing what you’d like them to do doesn’t necessarily mean they’re breaking a healthy boundary. In fact, enforcing unreasonable rules in a relationship and justifying them as “boundaries” is controlling and abusive.

For example:

“I don’t like you spending time with your friends without me there. That’s breaking my boundary.”

We explore how to set healthy boundaries in your relationship in this blog post.

Casually throwing around these complex mental health concepts in the wrong context can do more harm than good, and even add to the stigma and shame around mental illness.

 

If you need some extra support with your mental health, talking to a professional counsellor can help.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

How to Deal with a Controlling Partner

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Does your partner use control, manipulation, or intimidation to influence your behaviour?

Control in a relationship can range from telling you what you can and can’t do to more subtle manipulation tactics, such as withholding affection when they don’t get their way.

Because controlling behaviours can be subtle or even disguised as “caring” or “protective”, they can be harder to identify than some other types of abuse.

If your partner uses control in your relationship, you might experience:

  • A lack of privacy and independence in your relationship
  • Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner
  • Feeling like your partner has the “upper hand” in the relationship
  • Second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re just being sensitive.

Coercive control is a dangerous form of domestic abuse and can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Depending on your situation and how safe you feel, these steps can help you address the issue and potentially prevent the behaviour from escalating.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Raise it with your partner (if safe)

If you’ve noticed a pattern of controlling behaviour and feel safe addressing the issue, it can help to raise it with your partner early on.

Here are some tips to help you start the conversation.

Find the right time

Chances are you won’t be in the headspace to discuss heavy topics after a stressful day at work or in the heat of an argument.

Find a time when you’re both feeling calm and can focus on the conversation in an open and productive way.

If you have children, it might help to wait until they’re in bed or out of the house so you can talk without distractions.

Use “I” statements

Coming at your partner with blaming statements can make them defensive right off the bat. Avoid “You” statements like:

  • “You’re so jealous.”
  • “You always have to control everything.”
  • “You text me too much when we’re apart.”

Instead, focus on communicating how you feel in response to your partner’s actions with “I” statements such as:

  • “I feel overwhelmed when you check in on me so often. It distracts me from quality time with my friends.”
  • “I feel upset when you comment on what I wear when I go out. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me or respect my right to wear what I like.”
  • “I feel frustrated when you make decisions on my behalf. I’d like to have more autonomy in matters that impact me.”

Using specific examples and being honest about how you feel can help your partner see your point of view rather than feeling like they’re under attack.

Listen with curiosity

It’s important to give your partner the space to share how they feel.

Listen with curiosity and respect with the intention to understand their point of view. Resist the urge to interrupt or dismiss their perspective, and be mindful of your body language while they’re speaking.

By really listening to each other, you’ll be more likely to come to an understanding and work together on a resolution.

If you don’t feel safe confronting your partner about their behaviour, we encourage you to seek professional advice from a counsellor or a domestic violence support service such as DVConnect or 1800RESPECT.

 

Set reasonable boundaries

Boundaries help us create limits and expectations around what we’re willing and unwilling to engage with in our relationship. They allow us to build healthy, safe connections and avoid resentment.

Some examples of healthy boundaries with a controlling partner might include:

  • “I like to catch up with my friends without distractions. I won’t be available to reply to your texts or answer your calls while I spend time with them.”
  • “My alone time is important to me. I’m happy to keep you updated on what I’m doing, but I’m going to continue engaging in my hobby/interest on my own.”
  • “It’s unacceptable for you to go through my messages/emails. That’s a violation of my privacy, and I need you to stop.”

It’s important to remember there’s a difference between setting a boundary and controlling your partner’s behaviour.

Some examples of control disguised as boundaries might include:

  • “You need to tell me where you are and who you’re with at all times.”
  • “If you wear that outfit out with your friends tonight, I’ll break up with you.”
  • “I don’t want you spending time with people of the opposite sex at work.”

These are some examples of control and not healthy or reasonable boundaries in a relationship.

 

Tell someone you trust

Control is a harmful form of abuse on its own, but it can also be a sign that the abusive behaviour might escalate.

No matter the severity of the behaviour, if something feels off about how your partner’s treating you, having someone to confide in can help you feel supported and less alone.

Controlling partners often aim to isolate their victim from their support network, and this can put you in an unsafe position. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member to tell them your concerns and let them know to keep an eye on you.

It can also be helpful to have a witness should you need to involve the police. You might even like to keep a record of incidents for possible use in future.

 

Seek professional support

A lot of the time, the need to exert control over an intimate partner is a symptom of deeper issues such as low self-esteem, jealousy, and fear of abandonment.

If your partner is open to it, professional counselling can help you identify and address underlying issues that may be causing unhealthy behaviours.

We offer counselling for individuals and couples in a supportive space to help you explore your issues and find solutions for a healthier, happier relationship.

 

Know when to end things (and how to safely do so)

Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationship.

If you’re questioning your relationship or feeling confused about whether to stay or leave, it can help to have a safety plan organised just in case.

Abuse can escalate after a breakup, so it’s important to have some steps in place to keep yourself safe.

We provide advice in our blog post How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship, and our counsellors can help you create a safety plan so you know what to do if you need to leave an unsafe environment in a hurry.

 

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

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Comparison is a normal human behaviour – especially at certain ages and stages of life.

People in their teens and 20s are particularly prone to comparing their path to that of their peers and worrying they’re falling behind.

Maybe you see your friend’s promotion as a sign you’re not progressing fast enough in your own career. Or maybe you can’t scroll past an influencer’s gym pic without wishing you looked the same.

Comparing ourselves to our peers (and strangers on social media) can cause serious damage to our life satisfaction, self-esteem, and mental wellbeing.

We hope these tips help you stop comparing yourself to others so you can better enjoy what you have while working toward what you want.

 

Give yourself a digital reality check

Don’t compare someone else’s highlight reel to your everyday experience.

Social media has become such a normal part of our lives that we sometimes forget to separate it from reality.

It’s easy to get disheartened by a feed full of other people’s biggest wins and best moments. Remind yourself that people generally post their life’s highlights, not the struggles or mundane moments behind the scenes.

 

Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad

If scrolling your socials is leaving you feeling inadequate, it might be time to cull your follow list.

Following aspirational accounts of people living the kind of life you’d love can be inspiring and motivational – to a point. But if you come away feeling worse for it, reconsider your reasons for following.

Do these accounts make you feel positively pushed to work for the things you want? Or do they make you feel resentful and frustrated about your own situation?

Make sure your social media feeds are bringing you more joy than jealousy.

 

Water your own grass

Comparison can distract us from our own goals and self-development.

If you spend more time yearning for someone else’s situation than working on your own, it could help to focus your time and energy into actions that make you feel more fulfilled.

Reflect on what’s important to you in life, the short-term and long-term goals you’d like to achieve, and the steps you can take to get there.

Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control of your circumstances and more excited about your future.

 

Learn to love yourself

Comparison often has us focusing on the things we don’t like about ourselves.

Make a conscious effort to silence your inner critic by:

  • Challenging negative thoughts – Ask yourself if these thoughts are true, or if your mind is just playing tricks on you because you’re upset.
  • Focusing on your strengths – Make a list of all the things you like about yourself and keep it somewhere you can see it every day.
  • Spending time with people who lift you up – Nurture relationships that make you feel good about yourself and reconsider the connections that leave you feeling self-conscious.
  • Treat yourself like a friend – Build self-compassion by talking to yourself like you would a loved one and being gentle on yourself when you make mistakes.

 

Be grateful

Don’t lose gratitude for all the good in your life by comparing it to someone else’s.

Practising daily gratitude isn’t just a passing wellness fad. It’s shown to have plenty of tangible long-term benefits such as increased energy, improved sleep quality, and reduced inflammation.

You can practise gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal or simply mentally listing off three things you’re grateful for each day before you fall asleep.

It’s great to have goals for the future, but don’t forget to be grateful for what you have right now.

 

Humans are social creatures, and some comparison is normal and healthy. But if comparing yourself to others leaves you feeling insecure or resentful, it might be a sign of a deeper issue.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

Does social media have you wishing for a different life? You might find this blog post helpful: Can social media cause anxiety?