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Protective Factors for Elder Abuse

One in six older Australians report experiencing elder abuse in the past year.

Certain factors can affect one’s vulnerability to abuse.

Here are some lifestyle habits that can help protect yourself or an older loved one from experiencing elder abuse.

 

Having peer support

Connecting with similar-aged people under professional guidance can be beneficial for preventing and overcoming elder abuse.

Benefits of being in a peer support group include:

  • Referrals to helpful resources
  • Having a safe space to talk openly
  • Becoming educated and informed about ageing
  • Getting advice from both peers and professionals
  • Connecting with others who are in a similar stage of life.

The Senior Social Connection Program (SSCP) provides peer support to older people in Southeast Queensland.

The Queensland Government website lists senior peer groups offered across the state.

 

Seeing a financial counsellor

In Queensland, financial abuse is the most common type of elder abuse.

A financial counsellor can help you to protect your money and assets.

The Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) is a free program for older Queenslanders. The SFPS provides community education on protecting your finances in older age.

 

Practising healthy relationships

Healthy, respectful relationships with loved ones is a key protective factor for older people at risk of abuse.

If you want to improve a relationship with a loved one, you may consider mediation. Mediation provides a safe space for constructive conversations under professional guidance.

Elder abuse is most often inflicted by an adult child. If you feel anxious or unsafe around one of your children, we offer some advice here.

 

Seeking help from support services

If you or an older loved one may be experiencing elder abuse, there’s no shame in asking for help.

There is help available for anyone at risk of elder abuse, including:

These free services provide safe support that prioritises the wellbeing of the older person.

 

Being mentally and physically active

Those with good physical and mental health are less likely to experience elder abuse. For example, poor physical health may lead to increased dependency, which can raise the risk of elder abuse.

Activities like yoga, walking, gardening, arts and crafts, and brain games or puzzles can benefit the mind and the body.

You may want to consider your capacity to own a pet, as pets can increase opportunities for getting outdoors, social interaction, and physical activity.

 

Being outspoken about your wants and values

Make sure that those important to you know your wants and your values.

Some ways to make sure your wishes are known include:

When you are vocal about what you want, loved ones can more effectively help you when you need it.

 

Seeking legal advice before any major change

You should seek professional and legal advice before making any major life changes. These changes may include moving in with family, selling property, or setting up an EPOA.

You can find free legal advice for seniors from Community Legal Centres Queensland.

If an agreement is made, make sure it is in writing.

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of elder abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

 

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Signs of Being Humbugged in First Nations Elders

Humbugging is when a person makes unreasonable demands from a family member.

First Nations Elders can become vulnerable to humbugging as a form of financial elder abuse.

Here are some signs of being humbugged as a form of elder abuse, and some tips to protect yourself as an Elder, or protect your Elders.

 

Why does humbugging happen?

First Nations Families may struggle with the financial demands of living in colonised Australia, where employment opportunities and other pressures impact family life.

Some individuals and families may not have learned the skills of managing on a tight budget. They may turn to risky means, like borrowing or taking from Elders who have a limited income.

 

When does humbugging become financial elder abuse?

Humbugging may be difficult to spot when it is done against older people, especially when it is between a parent and child.

Humbugging can become financial elder abuse when there are threats, theft, or other types of abuse involved.

 

Humbugging behaviours

Signs of humbugging as financial elder abuse may include:

  • Demanding money
  • Only visiting around payday
  • Not returning “borrowed” money
  • Paying for things with your money
  • Forcing you to sign up for a credit card
  • Overstaying their welcome in your home
  • Forcing you to claim government benefits
  • Taking control of your money or your property
  • Taking advantage of the relationship by not repaying.

 

Protecting yourself from humbugging

An Elder may feel confused about handing over money, because they may have grown up in poverty and they do not want to see their family members experience that, too.

However, protecting your money will help you to protect yourself.

You can protect your money from humbugging by:

  • Prioritising yourself when budgeting
  • Checking your bank statements regularly
  • Not sharing your PIN codes to your bank cards
  • Not letting others know your payment schedule
  • Setting up a savings account that cannot easily be accessed when shopping or at the ATM.

 

How to get help

There is no shame in asking for help.

First Nations Peoples are welcome in our service, and we are happy to help. The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service provides free, confidential, and culturally safe support for older Queenslanders who may be experiencing elder abuse.

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of elder abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

What is gentle parenting?

There are endless approaches – and opinions – when it comes to parenting. 

‘Gentle parenting’ has become a popular topic online in recent years, and we’re still learning more about this parenting style. 

This method is built on the foundation of four elements: 

  • Empathy – Empathising with your child 
  • Respect – Showing respect to your child 
  • Boundaries – Enforcing consistent boundaries 
  • Understanding – Understanding your child and their needs. 

British childcare expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith coined the name of this parenting style in 2016 with her book “The Gentle Parenting Book”. 

Despite the name gentle parenting, this approach is not as relaxed or lenient as some people may think. It involves boundaries and discipline, but in a way that focuses on teaching, not punishing. 

It requires parents to respect their child’s feelings and developmental stage, establish expectations that are age-appropriate, and model the kind of behaviours they want to see. 

We explore some of the benefits and examples of gentle parenting here. 

 

Benefits of Gentle Parenting 

Gentle parenting requires a lot of patience and self-discipline. You may feel like you’re parenting yourself at times! But this effort is an investment that will pay dividends for your child now and into adulthood. 

Some of the benefits of gentle parenting include: 

Healthy Parent-Child Bond 

Gentle parenting fosters a healthy and positive relationship between parent and child. Research shows positive bonding between a child and their primary caregiver/s leads to children who can become happy, independent, and resilient adults. 

This bond is also a great way to model what healthy and respectful relationships look like, allowing your child to develop and identify healthy relationships with others as they grow up. 

Reduced Childhood Anxiety 

Inconsistency and unpredictability can cause a great deal of stress in children, and it can even lead to anxious attachment styles and mental health issues like anxiety. 

Enforcing consistent boundaries is one of the four key principles of gentle parenting. Clear and consistent expectations can help reduce the risk of childhood anxiety and attachment issues that can last a lifetime. 

Positive Social Skills 

Gentle parenting involves modelling the kind of behaviours you’d like your child to develop, including empathy, understanding, and respect. 

Research shows imitation is an effective learning tool for children – especially babies and toddlers. Gentle parenting encourages us to teach our kids positive social skills by modelling them ourselves. 

Ability to Name and Regulate Emotions 

Children learn basic emotions from a young age, such as happiness, sadness, and anger. Gentle parenting creates a safe space for children to explore and communicate their feelings, increasing their emotional intelligence and vocabulary. 

Some children grow up with parents who invalidate their feelings – for example, telling their child to stop crying or there will be consequences. This can create shame around emotions and cause the child to feel unsafe expressing themselves even in adulthood. 

Gentle parenting promotes communication around emotions, helping children name their feelings. It also encourages parents to model healthy ways to regulate negative emotions. 

 

Examples of Gentle Parenting 

So, what does gentle parenting actually look like, and how can you adopt this style and its ideologies?  

Here are a few examples of gentle parenting in action. 

Comment on the behaviour, not the child 

Separate your child from the unwanted action. For example, if your child is hitting the dog or pulling its tail, instead of saying “You’re being mean” try “The dog doesn’t like it when you do that. It hurts him. Let’s use gentle hands instead.” 

Encourage the positive action 

Instead of focusing on the behaviour you don’t want, focus on the behaviour you do want. For example, instead of “Don’t draw on the table” try “Crayons go on the paper. Can you show me how you can draw on the paper?” 

Remember to praise the positive action. For example: “I knew you could draw on the paper! You’re doing a great job.” 

If your child doesn’t listen (assuming they’re developmentally able to) the consequence might be to say “It looks like we’re having a tough time staying on the paper today. Let’s try again tomorrow” and redirect to a different activity. 

Set clear expectations ahead of time 

Imagine you’re having a great time at a party and your friend suddenly tells you it’s time to go without any warning. You’d be pretty disappointed, right? The same goes with kids. 

Discuss expectations ahead of time so your child can prepare themselves.

For example, before you go to the park, talk about what kinds of things they might do there, and explain that when you say it’s time to go, they’ll have to stop playing and get ready to leave. 

When you’re at the park, give them a reminder or 5-minute warning before it’s time to go so they’re not caught by surprise. You might even like to set a timer for when it’s time to go. 

Acknowledge their feelings 

It’s normal for toddlers to have tantrums, and children (and teenagers) to have big feelings. It’s also normal for them to express their feelings in ways that can be challenging for parents and caretakers. 

Acknowledging your child’s feelings can be a big step to helping them navigate these negative emotions and teaching them empathy from a young age. 

For example, if your child cries because they’ve reached their screentime, you might say “I know you’re upset. You wanted to watch more Bluey. That can make you feel sad. But it’s time to turn off the TV, and you can watch more Bluey tomorrow.” 

If your teenager is angry because they’re not allowed to go to a party, you might say “I understand you’re disappointed. You really want to go to this party, and you feel like you’re missing out. But I’ve explained why it’s not appropriate this time, and you will be able to have fun with your friends another time.” 

Stay calm 

No parent gets it right 100% of the time. You’re going to have moments where you lose your patience and raise your voice. You’re only human. But gentle parenting encourages us to stay calm and compassionate whenever we can. 

It can help to remind yourself that your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time – they’re having a hard time. After all, if we as adults find it challenging to control our negative emotions at times, how can we expect children to? 

If you find yourself struggling to stay calm, you might use this as an opportunity to model some regulation techniques. For example, you might say “I’m feeling a bit stressed out. I’m going to take some big, slow breaths. Would you like to take some breaths with me?” 

 

Gentle parenting may not be the right style for everyone, but parents can incorporate its techniques into their approach as they discover what works for their family. 

Therapy can be helpful when discovering parenting styles that align with your values and needs. 

Our counsellors can help you explore your options and support you through the challenges throughout your parenting journey. Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services and parenting courses. 

We offer tips for parenting teens in this blog post. 

Elder Financial Abuse through Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA)

An Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA) gives someone else the legal power to make health and financial decisions on your behalf. Misusing an EPOA against an older person is a form of elder abuse called financial abuse.

In this blog post, we will give some examples of EPOA misuse, and provide information about protecting yourself against financial elder abuse.

 

When is an EPOA considered misuse?

An EPOA should be used to protect a person’s independence, control, and finances. An EPOA allows someone else (referenced to as your “attorney”) to make financial decisions on your behalf.

When you give someone enduring power of attorney, you must have the capacity to understand exactly what power you are giving to that person. Queensland requires that the person should be making the EPOA voluntarily, not under the pressure of someone else.

An EPOA may unintentionally be misused when:

  • They combine their spending with yours
  • Transaction records are missing or inaccurate
  • They make decisions according to their own values, not yours
  • They do not consult you about financial decisions being made on your behalf.

For example, the person may pay in one transaction when you are doing your shopping together, then forget to transfer funds accordingly. Another example may include a family member with good intentions to protect you from being scammed or exploited.

An EPOA may be intentionally misused when:

  • Other signs of elder abuse are present
  • Transactions and records do not add up
  • They pay their own bills with your money
  • Decisions are made under coercion and control
  • Someone is limiting your access to your own money
  • Someone else is pressuring you to make them your EPOA
  • They make decisions according to their own values, not yours
  • Someone is gaslighting you to convince you that you cannot make financial decisions.

 

How to mitigate misuse of an EPOA

If you have decision-making capacity, you can revoke your own EPOA at any time.

In the case of an unintentional misuse, you can take steps to prevent this happening moving forward:

  • Discuss your values and priorities
  • Write down clear decision-making steps
  • Ask that all receipts are kept and filed together
  • Request to be more involved in decision-making
  • Create instructions for how decisions should be made
  • Request that the attorney not combine their purchases with yours
  • Appoint a second attorney to act either jointly with or independently of the first.

If you feel you are a victim of financial abuse through an EPOA, contact a financial advisor. Our Senior Financial Protection Service provides free help to older adults who are experiencing or at risk of experiencing financial elder abuse.

 

How to create an EPOA to protect yourself

You may wish to create an EPOA to protect your finances. There are steps that you can take so that your EPOA can reduce your risk of financial abuse or exploitation.

These steps can help your EPOA to protect you:

  • Be involved in decision-making
  • Appoint multiple independent attorneys
  • Have a file for receipts and transaction records
  • Create processes for shared or combined expenses
  • Provide clear, detailed instructions to your attorney
  • Create instructions for how decisions should be made
  • Ensure your attorney understands your values and priorities.

Compass offers a comprehensive guide on creating an EPOA.

 

Our Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) can provide older individuals with free financial guidance in a safe, supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Financial Protection Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

 

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How to Support an LGBTQIA+ Senior

The LGBTQIA+ senior community is expected to grow in the coming years. Older people who identify as LGBTQIA+ face unique challenges, which can make it difficult to feel a sense of security and belonging.

Being informed will help you to become a better ally to your older LGBTQIA+ loved ones.

We hope these tips can help you to be a supportive ally of your LGBTQIA+ parent, grandparent, or older loved one.

 

Create a welcoming environment

Your support is the easiest and best thing you can offer an LGBTQIA+ loved one.

To create a welcoming environment:

  • Don’t make jokes or laugh
  • Use a gentle tone of voice
  • Be sensitive to their lived experiences
  • Don’t say “I always thought you were…”
  • Be mindful of facial expressions and reactions
  • Don’t demand information or ask intrusive questions.

 

Be informed about their challenges

Older LGBTQIA+ folks have faced a lifetime of evolving laws, legislation, and societal views regarding their identity. In Australia, these individuals have experienced both obstacles and milestones on the journey towards achieving equal human rights.

LGBTQIA+ rights groups have been active in Australia since the 1960s. Did you know that homosexuality was classified by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a disease until 1990? Did you know that openly gay individuals were banned from serving in the Australian military until 1992?

You can learn more about Australia’s history of LGBTQIA+ rights here.

 

Let them know it’s okay to ask for help

Substantial data shows that LGBTQIA+ Australians experience both abuse and mental health problems at overwhelmingly high rates. Over 60% report experiencing depression. Over 38% report feeling abused by a family member, and over 41% report feeling abused by a partner.

Let your older loved one know that there are safe support services designed with their unique needs in mind. You can offer to accompany them or drive them to any appointments or meetings.

 

Help them access safe, inclusive services

Your older loved one may not realise that there are services whose goal is to protect LGBTQIA+ seniors from loneliness, social isolation, and elder abuse.

“LGBTQIA+ elders may draw upon their years of experience of the dangers of coming out, and perhaps choose isolation and loneliness over risk of abuse.”
-Claire Allen, AIDS Council of New South Wales

Australia’s LOVE Project offers a list of ageing services that are inclusive and safe for LGBTQIA+ seniors.

You may also be able to identify if a service is inclusive by looking for representative imagery, words, and marketing.

 

Help them find safe aged care options

Due to discrimination and needs often not being met by service providers, the Australian government has identified LGBTQIA+ seniors as having special needs for aged care.

LGBTQIA+ seniors may experience obstacles such as pressure to hide their identity, or having no way to disclose their identity.

Australia is the first country which has developed a National LGBTI Ageing and Aged Care strategy, which aims for all seniors to have the same opportunities in aged care. You can learn more about finding inclusive aged care in Queensland on the MyAgedCare government website.

The Silver Rainbow Project provides further education on meeting the needs of seniors who identify as LGBTQIA+.

 

Our Rainbow Program supports the mental health and wellbeing of individuals who are gender and/or sexuality diverse.

If you or an older person you know is experiencing or at risk of elder abuse, our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe, supportive environment that prioritises the wellbeing of the older person.

You can learn more about EAPSS here, or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

 

How to Find Your Tribe

Social connection is one of our most important human needs. It’s in our DNA, just like our need for food and water. 

Studies show that healthy relationships not only increase our self-esteem and our ability to cope in stressful situations, but they’re also a major protective factor against many mental and physical illnesses. 

Experts advise that the key is to find deep and meaningful relationships, as too many shallow interactions can leave you feeling lonely and misunderstood. 

But it’s not always easy to find people you truly connect with. It can take some self-reflection and vulnerability to form these fulfilling friendships and feel like you’ve found your tribe in life. 

Here are our 5 tips to find your tribe and enjoy the benefits of these close human connections. 

 

Get to know yourself 

How can you surround yourself with likeminded people if you don’t know yourself? 

It’s normal to be influenced by peers throughout adolescence and early adulthood. It can take some time – and intentional effort – to discover your own likes, dislikes, and opinions as you grow. 

If your goal is to find people you deeply connect with, spend some time reflecting on who you are deep down. Identify your core values, your passions, and the kind of support you want from the people around you. 

Counselling is a great way to support your journey to self-discovery. You can learn about our counselling service here. 

 

Engage in your hobbies 

Create opportunities to meet people who share your interests by engaging in hobbies and activities outside of the home. 

Whether it’s active, creative, musical, or academic, there are endless social clubs, classes, and groups you can join. 

These can create a comfortable environment to interact with new people as they can facilitate conversation around the task at hand, reducing the pressure to find topics for small talk. 

 

Volunteer for a cause 

Volunteering for a cause you care about is another great way to meet people you have things in common with. 

The issues and causes we’re passionate about can be a strong foundation for a fulfilling friendship, and chances are you’ll find other things to bond over too. 

This could be especially valuable if the cause, or humanitarianism in general, are a significant part of your identity. 

 

Let go of shallow connections 

Did you know that shallow relationships can make you feel lonely? 

Experts have found that you don’t need to be alone to experience loneliness – it can arise from not feeling seen, understood, or validated in your friendships. 

“It can come from spending time with people who don’t share your values or interests. It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections,” explains Kasley Killam, a social scientist who specialises in social health, connection, and loneliness. 

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to take a step back from surface-level friendships and focus your energy on the ones that are deep and fulfilling. 

If you’re feeling disconnected and are struggling to engage with friends like you used to, you might find this blog post helpful: Why do I feel disconnected from everyone? | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au) 

 

Get comfortable opening up 

If you crave deeper connections, it’s important to be vulnerable and willing to open up yourself. 

Close friendships take an investment in emotion as well as time. If you want to connect with your friends beyond having a laugh together, it’s time to dig deeper and share some more personal details. 

For example, you might like to ask their advice on a problem you’re having, or share your dreams and goals for the future. 

Diving into these more intimate topics can build trust and deepen your bond. 

 

If you need help strengthening your relationships or building the confidence to find new ones, our counsellors can help. 

You can learn more about our counselling service_here, or call_1300 364 277_to book an appointment. 

What is milestone anxiety?

Graduate. Buy a house. Get married. Have a baby.

Life seems like one big checklist sometimes, and this can cause anxiety around whether you’re ticking things off in time.

Maybe you’re watching friends fall in love or find their dream job and wondering: Am I falling behind? When is it my turn?

It’s normal to compare your journey to your peers, especially during your late teens and twenties.

A 2022 study found Millennials and Gen Z are experiencing more pressure to reach traditional ‘life milestones’ (e.g. having children, getting married, and buying a house) than previous generations ever did.

So how can we handle this pressure and be content with what we have while we work toward what we want?

We hope this advice helps if you’re feeling behind in life and putting your happiness on hold.

 

Stop comparing yourself to others

We know, we know – you’ve heard it a hundred times before. But in a world where unfavourable comparison reigns, it’s worth a reminder:

Everyone is different.

We all do things at different points in our lives, not always in the same order, and sometimes we’re on an entirely different path altogether!

Some of us want to climb the corporate ladder and travel the world, while some of us want to grow our own vegetables and start a family.

Not only do we want different things, but we also have different starting blocks due to our circumstances.

For example, someone who grows up in a stable home environment and receives financial support will likely be able to reach their goals faster due to these advantages.

While it’s common to feel a sense of urgency to meet adult milestones by a certain age, it’s important to remember that your timeline should be based on what’s right for you. This will be different from the people around you and will likely change as your priorities do.

Comparing your journey to others simply isn’t a fair comparison. It’s an apples and oranges situation. It can also make it harder for you to appreciate all the great things you do have.

Constantly comparing yourself to people online? You might find this blog post helpful: Can Social Media Cause Anxiety?

 

Focus on self-discovery

A fulfilling life starts with being happy with who you are as a person.

Invest time and energy into working on yourself from within. Practise self-reflection to learn who you are, how you want to improve, and what you really want out of life.

You don’t have to have your whole life mapped out or narrowed down to one single life’s purpose –these are bound to change over time.

But when you stop worrying about what you ‘should’ be doing and focus on what’s important to you, you might feel less pressure to complete the life milestone checklist society has handed you.

You might find your priorities lie in different areas such as nurturing strong friendships, helping vulnerable communities, or overcoming your fear of public speaking.

Here are a few questions to get you started on your journey of self-discovery:

  • What gives me energy?
  • What drains my energy?
  • What are my best qualities?
  • What am I passionate about?
  • What does success look like to me?
  • When do I most feel like the real me?
  • What would I do if there were no limits?
  • What are my values? (Refer to a list of values for inspiration).

 

Redefine your idea of happiness

“I’ll be happy when I travel Europe.”

“I’ll be happy when I get a pay rise.”

“I’ll be happy when I get engaged.”

We hate to break it to you, but there’s no guarantee that ticking off these adult milestones will bring you happiness.

The temporary increase in happiness we feel when we achieve these things eventually fades away and we’re back to where we were, wishing for the next big thing to make us happy. The goalposts for happiness just keep moving.

A recent Aussie study found that while most of us pass these big milestones in our 20s and 30s, we aren’t our happiest until our 83rd birthday. Yikes.

If you spend your time relying on external factors or achievements for happiness, you’ll be telling yourself “I’ll be happy when…” for the rest of your life. Or until you’re 83, apparently.

If you’re putting your happiness on hold until you hit life milestones, it might be time to reconsider your definition of happiness.

Practising gratitude is a great way to start living in the present and appreciating the good stuff you’ve got going on right now.

Listing the three things you were grateful for each day can not only train your brain to look for the good in situations, but research shows it can also boost your long-term happiness by 10%.

Before you go to sleep each night, write in a gratitude journal or make a mental note of the three highlights from that day – no matter how small. This may help shift your perspective of happiness as something you are rather than something you seek.

We offer more advice in this blog post: How to Stop Waiting to be Happy.

 

Remember: Adulting is hard!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Tell yourself: I am doing the best I can.

Whether you’re striving toward the traditional life milestones or you have different goals altogether, there are always going to be challenges along the way. This is especially true for people from vulnerable and/or disadvantaged communities.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself the same compassion and understanding you’d give a loved one.

We’re all just here doing the best we can to live this life in a way that’s joyful and fulfilling. There’s no strict timeline for every human to hit a specific milestone – and it’d be darn boring if there was! You get to write your own story, and while that can be scary at times, it’s also very exciting.

Be patient as you figure it out, and make sure you’re looking after your physical and mental health in the meantime.

Professional help such as counselling can be a great option for anyone who needs some extra support.

Our counsellors can help you process your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment free from judgement. Sessions are available in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

If you found this advice helpful, you might enjoy our blog post How to Deal with a Quarter-Life Crisis.

Signs of Coercive Control of Older People

Coercive control is a form of abuse in which the abuser exerts power and control over the victim.

Older people are especially vulnerable to coercive control as a form of elder abuse.

In this blog post, we detail signs and examples of coercive control of seniors.

“Coercive control is at the core of domestic and family violence. It is a pattern of deliberate behaviours perpetrated against a person to create a climate of fear, isolation, intimidation, and humiliation.”

-Queensland Former Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk

“Coercive control might be subtle but it is insidious and it does cost lives.”

-Queensland Premier Steven Miles

 

1.      Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when the abuser makes the victim question reality or their own sanity. Gaslighting might make you feel confused or paranoid.

Examples of gaslighting against older people may include:

  • “Your memory is starting to go”
  • “You’re going mad in your old age”
  • “That never happened, you’re crazy.”

 

2.      Manipulation

Manipulation is when the abuser makes their victim feel as if their only choice is to do whatever the abuser wants them to do.

Being manipulated may feel like:

  • You owe something to the abuser
  • You cannot live without the abuser
  • Guilt for doing or not doing something
  • Your insecurities are being used against you
  • Everyone except for the abuser is against you
  • You have no other options besides what the abuser wants you to do
  • Fear of what will happen if you do not do what the abuser wants you to do.

 

3.      Socially isolating you

Australian seniors experience higher rates of social isolation than any other age group. Evidence suggests that social isolation is a main risk factor for elder abuse.

You may notice an abuser is cutting you off from your friends and family. This controlling behaviour aims to isolate you, remove the possibility of outside influences, and make you dependent on the abuser.

 

4.      Taking control of your finances

About 62% of elder abuse victims report experiencing financial abuse.

Coercively taking control of your finances may look like:

  • Spending your money without permission
  • Misusing an Enduring Power Of Attorney
  • Making important financial decisions without you
  • Telling you that you are too old to manage your own finances.

 

5.      Limiting access to grandchildren

Grandparent alienation is a type of elder abuse where the adult child limits access to or estranges you from your grandchildren as a form of control and manipulation.

Grandparent alienation may look like withholding contact with your grandchildren unless you contribute money or childminding.

 

6.      Threatening your partner or your pets

When threats against you do not work as the abuser desires, they may resort to making threats about your vulnerable loved ones, such as your partner or your pets.

 

7.      Bullying, name-calling, and severe criticism

Abuse does not always have to be physical. Verbal abuse is abuse.

An abuser may use verbal abuse to scare their victim and break down their confidence, making them more vulnerable to control and abuse.

 

8.      Coercing you to take on roles or responsibilities

Coercing you to perform roles or responsibilities may be financial abuse, the most common type of abuse against older people. It may include forcing you to provide free babysitting or childminding, or to work in a family business without pay.

 

9.      Controlling or withholding access to necessities or services

The abuser may attempt to coerce you by controlling your access to things or services that you need, such as healthcare.

Examples may include:

  • Over- or under-medicating you
  • Not letting you get medical care that you need
  • Blocking you from getting help from anyone else
  • Talking over you or for you at medical appointments
  • Not taking you to appointments, though you rely on them
  • Only picking up your groceries if you meet their unreasonable demands
  • Withholding medication or medical devices unless you behave as they wish.

 

As of March 2024, Queensland has officially criminalised coercive control through the Crimes Legislation Amendment (Coercive Control) Bill 2022. In Queensland, the offence includes abuse committed in partnerships, wider family relationships, and informal care relationships.

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of coercive control, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) here, or call 1300 063 232.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

 

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Coping with Abusive Adult Children

If your relationship with your adult child is causing you to feel scared or anxious, you may be experiencing abuse.

Adult children are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse.

In this blog post, we offer some advice on what to do if you are experiencing elder abuse from your child.

 

1.      Recognise elder abuse

Elder abuse is any act or behaviour by a trusted person that causes harm or distress to an older person.

The signs of elder abuse are not always obvious. Elder abuse can take many forms, including physical, emotional, psychological, financial, social, neglect, or sexual. Whether it’s intentional or not, there’s never an excuse for abuse.

Feeling afraid or anxious about your relationship with your adult child is likely a sign that you are at risk of or experiencing elder abuse.

 

2.      Know your worth

Self-compassion and self-confidence can help you to realise that being abused is unacceptable.

Here are some self-love tips:

  • Your worth is not lesser because of your age
  • Ageing brings many strengths, such as wisdom and experience
  • Your value is not based on how productive you are or what you do for others
  • Your age is no excuse for others to treat you poorly, nor to take advantage of or control you.

 

3.      Seek counselling

It’s okay to ask for help.

A counsellor can help you to explore your concerns and to connect you with the appropriate resources. Together, you can determine a safe solution specific to your situation.

The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is a free service that prioritises the safety of older people.

 

4.      Attend mediation

There is a common saying that “Hurt people, hurt people.”

There is absolutely no excuse for abuse. But it may be that your adult child is facing a mental health struggle of their own which contributes to their abusive behaviour.

If you would like to restore your relationship with your adult child, you may like to consider family mediation. The Senior Relationship Mediation Service offers mediation for older Queenslanders and their families.

 

5.      Set boundaries

Boundaries can help to protect your mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing within relationships.

If you are feeling like you are walking on eggshells around your adult child, it may be a sign that you need to establish boundaries.

Once you have identified what your boundaries are, it is important to communicate them to your adult child. Maintain consistency to help ensure that your boundaries are respected.

We offer a guide to setting boundaries in our blog post, How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship.

 

6.      Connect with supportive peers

Being socially isolated makes older people more vulnerable to elder abuse.

At any age, having a supportive group to socialise with is beneficial for your mental health. It is important to have people to lean on for support and to compare your experience with.

You may find a social group or new friends through a local aged care network, community centre, religious group, or online. We offer some tips for seniors to stay connected in our blog post, Staying Social As You Age.

Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected. Seniors in other areas of Queensland can find helpful socialising resources on the Queensland Government website.

 

If you or an older person you know may be a victim of elder abuse, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?