Approaching the topic of separation with little ones can be overwhelming. The temptation can be to either delay sharing the news or to ‘rip the band-aid off’.
In many cases, it’s best to be open about the separation as soon as possible. Otherwise, children can often come up with their own explanations for the things they’ve noticed – and may even think they’ve done something wrong.
So what’s the best way to talk to kids about separation? There’s no definitive answer, and every family will be a little different. But with the right steps and considerations in place, you can have these conversations in the most positive means possible.
Listen to Your Child
You’ll probably feel like there’s a lot to discuss and a lot to organise when raising this topic. But information-dumping on your child can make them feel like they’re not allowed to express their feelings in these types of discussions.
Be mindful to give your child as many chances as possible to share what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. Welcome questions and remind them they can ask any questions they might think of later. This will help set the foundation for a healthy, collaborative, and caring discussion.
Use Age-Appropriate Language
Explaining divorce to a child will vary significantly based on their age and development. For example, ‘coparenting’ is a term and concept most young children wouldn’t understand.
Try to find terms and phrases that fit their level of understanding and keep things clear and simple. You can see how certain phrases might be delivered differently to suit different ages in these general examples:
|
Speaking to Toddlers |
Speaking to Teenagers |
|
“One week you’ll stay at my home, and the next week, you’ll stay at your mummy’s/daddy’s home”. |
“We’ll share custody as evenly as we can, so you’ll still get quality time with each of us between our two homes.” |
|
“We won’t live together anymore, but we’ll always be a family. We both love you so much, and we’ll keep loving you no matter what.” |
“Relationships can be complicated, but even if we’re not together anymore, nothing changes that you’re loved by both of us, and our relationship with you will always be our top priority.” |
Naturally, the specific things you need to discuss will vary from family to family. But using developmentally appropriate language can help ensure there’s no misunderstanding or false expectations moving forward.
Cover the Logistics
The concept of separation can lead to a lot of questions for a child. If you’ve already arranged solutions with the other parent/party, you should try and inform your child of things like:
- Where they’ll live with each party
- How much time they’ll get with those they’ll want to see
- Whether they’ll need to change schools or social activities
- Anything that changes their routine due to new budgets or arrangements
- Anything else the child has on their mind that may change as a result.
The more you can share with your child, the less room they’ll have to speculate or worry. Remember to keep things clear and direct, and encourage them to ask any questions.
Reassure Them
Separation and divorce can be a challenging time for kids of all ages. They can notice things in relationships and falsely assign causes, blame, and make other links that aren’t there. So while it might seem obvious to you that your child’s not to blame, it might not be as obvious to them.
Providing plenty of reassurance that it’s not their fault and everyone loves them can help reduce some of these anxieties and fears.
Look After Yourself
Separation can be emotionally and mentally taxing. It’s important to look after yourself for your own wellbeing and for the benefit of your whole family.
As they say on planes, you should put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. With some appropriate self-care, you’ll be better placed to guide your child through this uncertain time.
If you need support navigating separation and reaching an agreement on parenting, property, financial, and personal issues, mediation or Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) can be a great option.
You can call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the appropriate support for you.
For more advice, you might find our list of coparenting boundaries helpful.