When it comes to trust in relationships, most of us will be faced with inner daemons, which show up unannounced at any stage of our life. The ugly face of jealousy, heartbreak and betrayal shows its head and we are left with a feeling of having no control over our emotions. Charged with the incredible power of fear, most people find it very hard to reestablish order within themselves. It is very hard to think clearly and with focus, when millions of thoughts keep racing around our head like their trying to win a competition.
Trust is THE BIG ISSUE in relationships; it is the one thing couples will name as their number one priority in counselling. And it is astonishingly hard to achieve. Why, one wonders?
Well first and foremost it requires something that we as human beings instinctively shy away from. It requires the act of letting go. LETTING GO…phew, big words, huh? Easier said than done especially in a world where we are applauded for keeping up appearances, like staying in control and keeping calm and collected.
It also requires a huge leap of faith, another thing we are not entirely comfortable with, as we fear a broken heart around every corner. This is absolutely natural, especially when we have been hurt before and just want to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Getting hurt by someone we love seems to be almost inevitable in life.
It is impossible to not feel disappointment, sadness or loss, whilst living our life as human beings. From a very young age, a child will feel angry, sad or happy for all sorts of reasons and that is entirely okay. Sometimes that is because it can’t get all the lollies and sometimes because other kids were mean in school.
This goes on into adolescence, where we lose or gain new friends, have our heart broken for the first time or have a never-ending crush on somebody, who is just not into us.
It is an integral part of life, but most of the time we do not want to admit this; we rather pretend life to be rosy, hiding our wounds. It seems to be the safest option, until we find ourselves in a relationship again. Couples in Relationship Counselling will grapple with each other over many sessions, as to who is more trustworthy and who isn’t. The great paradox of trust and control will play itself out in many ways, the most common is communication.
Partners will find all their fears confirmed, hearing through ears that don’t trust and simultaneously finding reassurance that they were right and no one can be trusted in the end.
And so the cycle of pushing away and pulling towards begins and the very thing we try to avoid, we create. The more we are hurt, the more mistrust and suspicion we carry, the more our partner will move away from us.
The only thing that can break this cycle is ourselves, it has to start with us. We are responsible for our heartbreak and emotions, for our wounds. We need to tend to them and heal them. It is not our partner’s mission in life to make us happy, or live their life according to our insecurities.
--Denise Reichenbach is an Educator and Counsellor with Relationships Australia Queensland--