It’s normal to look for answers when your partner has been unfaithful.
You might ask yourself what you did or what you could’ve done to prevent this from happening.
But it’s important to remember the responsibility lies with the person who cheated, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, affairs are more common than you’d think. An estimated 60% of men and 45% of women have had an affair within their marriage.
We explore some common reasons why people cheat on their partners - even in seemingly happy relationships.
Sexually Addictive Behaviour
In some cases, cheating can be a result of sexually addictive or compulsive behaviours.
While there’s no excuse for infidelity within a monogamous relationship, sexually addictive behaviours and mental health conditions such as histrionic personality disorder may drive people to seek sexual and/or emotional intimacy outside their relationship.
Feeling Disconnected or Unloved
Cheating isn’t always about filling unmet physical needs. Some people seek emotional intimacy outside their relationship when they’re feeling disconnected from or neglected by their partner.
This might manifest as a physical affair or solely as an emotional affair, where they develop a romantic bond that doesn’t involve sexual relations. This type of infidelity can happen in person, online, or over the phone.
In some cases, the two people may never even meet in person. But emotional cheating can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.
A Fear of Commitment
The thought of committing to one person can bring feelings of stress, pressure, and doubt for some people, even in a happy relationship.
Some people may cheat as a ‘last hurrah’ or due to ‘cold feet’ prior to getting married.
Their Own Self-Esteem or Self-Worth
Some people seek sexual attention as a form of validation or an ego boost. This can be particularly true for people who are insecure and have low self-esteem.
They might rely on people outside their relationship to make them feel attractive and desirable. This can be true for people who don’t feel validated in this way by their partner, but also in relationships that are full of affection and sexual activity.
Cheating is often a reflection of their insecurities, and no amount of attention and affection from their partner would prevent them from seeking more elsewhere. In these cases, the short-term self-gratification from cheating is more important than the long-term goal of maintaining their relationship.
As a Way to End the Relationship
Some people find it difficult to address issues with their partner and may use cheating as an escape or a way to ‘sabotage’ the relationship.
This may be due to an avoidant attachment style, commitment issues, or dissatisfaction in the relationship that they’re unwilling to work on. Cheating might be their way to drive their partner away and end things without having to initiate a difficult breakup conversation.
Why else would happy people cheat?
There are many reasons why people might seek romantic or sexual attention outside their relationship, and this can vary from person to person. The person who had the affair may not even have the answers themselves.
If you need some extra support following infidelity, our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental space. We also provide relationship counselling for couples looking to repair after infidelity.
You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.
If your partner has cheated, you can find advice on how to focus on yourself, and to build your self-esteem here.