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Category: Children

How to Tell a Child about the Death of a Grandparent

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Death is a part of life we all learn about at some point. The passing of a loved one can be a scary and uncertain time for everyone – especially children.

Whether it’s sudden or expected, it’s never easy to talk about death, and it can be hard to know where to start when breaking the news to kids.

We hope this advice helps you have this tough conversation with your child.

 

Use simple language

Use age-appropriate and clear language when talking about death. Using complicated metaphors or vague phrases like “no longer with us” and “in a better place” can be confusing for kids.

Keep it simple and clear, and don’t dance around the word “death” or “died”. Telling the truth as early as possible is best to help your child make sense of what’s happened.

 

Talk about your feelings

Being open and honest about how you feel can help your child accept their own emotions as ‘normal’. Don’t be afraid to let your child see you cry and tell them you feel sad, angry or confused. You might even like to print out a feelings chart to help them name and understand their emotions.

Letting your child see how you cope with big feelings can help them deal with their own.

 

Listen and offer comfort

Encourage your child to ask any questions, and check in regularly to see how they’re going. Accept and normalise your child’s emotional responses, and let them know you’re always there if they need to talk.

It can also help to let other adults in their life know what’s happened, such as their teacher or friends’ parents. This way, they can keep an eye out for any behaviour that may be concerning.

We list some common signs of anxiety in children in this blog post.

 

Tell them what to expect

Unpredictability can be a serious stressor for children. It can help to give them a heads up of what’s to come following the death of a loved one.

For example, you might explain what happens at a funeral and mention general grieving processes such as people saying sorry and hugging a lot. Tell them that it’s normal to miss that person and for sad feelings to come and go for a long time.

If you or your child need some extra support coping after the death of a loved one, talking to a counsellor can help. You can learn about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video.

Anxiety in Children

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It’s normal for children to occasionally feel worried or anxious – such as when they start school or move to a new town. But for some children, anxiety can have an impact on how they think, behave and function every day.

Research shows almost 7% of Australian children aged 4-11 struggle with clinical symptoms of anxiety.

We asked RAQ Clinical Supervisor Karen Marshall to share some of the signs of anxiety in children, as well as some tips to help them manage it.

 

Signs of Anxiety in Children

Not everyone who has anxiety will experience the same symptoms, but these are some of the most common anxiety symptoms in children:

  • Crying often
  • Not eating properly
  • Using the toilet often
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Irritability and outbursts
  • Rapid breathing or heartbeat
  • Being tired for no real season
  • Restlessness, fidgeting, or shakiness
  • Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
  • Complaining of tummy aches and feeling unwell
  • Constantly worrying or having negative thoughts
  • Being clingy or worrying about parental abandonment
  • Regression (denying ability to do tasks previously mastered).

It’s important to keep an eye out for these symptoms if you’re worried your child is having a hard time.

“Noticing children’s behaviours is a way to pick up on cues that children may be anxious, whether the child verbalises their anxiety or not,” Karen explains.

 

Causes of Anxiety in Children

Anxiety can develop in people of all ages for many different reasons. Some common causes for anxiety in children might include:

  • Abuse or neglect
  • Lack of predictable routine
  • Frequently moving house or school
  • The death of a close relative or friend
  • School-related issues like exams or bullying
  • Living with adults who are stressed or anxious
  • Conflict or tension between parents/caregivers
  • Becoming seriously ill or getting injured in an accident
  • Overemphasis on expected achievement (whether external or internal pressure).

“Friction or conflict between parents/caregivers can contribute considerably to anxiety in children,” says Karen. “Parents seeking their own support and reducing conflict can be best for reducing children’s anxiety around these matters.”

 

How to Support a Child Struggling with Anxiety

Karen offers a few tips to help your child cope with their anxiety and get through stressful situations.

 

Ask them how they’re feeling

If you notice your child is experiencing some symptoms of anxiety, confront the issue and ask them how they’re feeling.

“Talk to them calmly,” says Karen. “Help them to externalise the worry. For example, supporting them to draw their worry can be helpful.”

Listen with empathy and understanding, and avoid using invalidating phrases like stop being such a baby or there’s nothing to worry about. These can make your child feel unsupported and shameful about their anxious thoughts, which can make the anxiety even worse.

“It’s important that parents don’t minimise the child’s feelings,” Karen explains.

Your child is entitled to their feelings, and it’s your job to help them find healthy ways to cope when they get overwhelmed.

 

Model self-care

Kids pick up signals from adults. By showing calmness in stressful situations, you can model examples of healthy coping.

“Modelling self-care strategies to children is one important way a parent can support a child who is anxious,” Karen explains.

“For example, when driving in traffic with children and fearing you’re late for an appointment, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Say to your children wow, this traffic is bad, but there’s nothing we can do about it. So let’s sing a song or talk about our favorite holiday/food/animal.”

 

Focus on their strengths

Children crave positive reinforcement from their parents/carers. Helping your child recognise their strengths can boost their self-esteem and help them remember when they’ve made it through tough times in the past.

“For example, if they’re worried about meeting new friends at a new school, remind them of the things that make them a good friend. Encourage them to smile to let people know they’re friendly,” suggests Karen.

 

Talk to their teacher

“Speaking to a child’s teacher or other key adults in a child’s life can give clarity and provide insight,” explains Karen.

“For example, some children don’t like to tell their parents they’re being bullied or having an unhappy time in their friendship groups, as many children see themselves as the cause of this rather than the victim. A teacher or other adult may be able to provide information that can be helpful.”

 

Be patient with them

Anxiety can sometimes impact a child’s behaviour. If your anxious child is misbehaving, try to have some understanding and keep things in perspective.

“It’s important to be open to seeing challenging behavior in children as an expression of anxiety or even trauma, and approach management of this behavior with calm and compassion,” says Karen.

“The support of a professional is always helpful to determine the cause of certain behaviors.”

 

Seek professional help

It’s a good idea to seek professional help or reassurance yourself if your child is constantly anxious and it’s not getting better and/or impacting their school or family life.

“Anxiety can lead to habitual behaviors. Contacting a professional for support can be useful in this case,” Karen explains. “Psychologists and counsellors who work with children will often recommend specific strategies accompanied by reward charts to support the child to break these habits.”

And don’t forget to look after yourself, too.

“Adults looking after their own wellbeing, modelling good strategies around their own anxiety, and seeking help early if needed can be so important for the mental health of their children,” says Karen.

You can learn about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video.

Read about the most common types of anxiety in this blog post.

How to Have “The Talk” with Your Teenager

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‘The birds and the bees’ is something we all learn about eventually, and it’s generally best that it comes from a parent or guardian. Learning about sex from the media and peers alone can leave kids and teens at risk of developing inaccurate and problematic beliefs and behaviours.

Teaching your kids about sex can help keep them informed, healthy, and safe. But how do you have the ‘sex talk’ with your teenager in a way that’s constructive and comfortable for everyone?

We hope this advice helps make that tricky conversation a little easier.

 

Find the right time

Give your teen a heads up that you’d like to have a chat about sex. This can give them time to prepare themselves and think of any questions they might have.

Sit them down in a private and comfortable environment, such as their bedroom or your living room. Ideally, find a time when they’re not distracted by looming exams or other stressful events.

If you’d prefer a more ‘organic’ way to discuss the subject, you might like to casually raise it with your teenager following a relevant event such as a family pregnancy, movie, song, or ad. These everyday moments can be the perfect springboard for the discussion.

 

Share the basic facts

You don’t have to be an expert, but you should know and share the basic facts about sex that can help keep your teen safe.

Some of these include:

  • What sex is and what behaviours can lead to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
  • Contraception such as condoms and birth control
  • Consent and boundaries, including how to give and respectfully receive a ‘no’
  • The social and legal risks of sexting and sending explicit images
  • Healthy vs. unhealthy romantic relationships
  • Questioning their sexuality.

Remember not to assume your teenager is heterosexual, and explain that STDs can be transmitted in same-sex encounters, too.

Read our article How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality for tips to support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Discuss your expectations

Be clear about your expectations. You can limit the time your teen spends with their peers without an adult around, ask them where they’re going and where they’ve been, give them a curfew, and have an ‘open bedroom door’ policy in your home. If they’re dating, get to know their partner’s parents and discuss your expectations with them, too.

Keep communication open with your teen and develop trust so they’ll be more likely to open up to you in future.

 

Encourage questions

Ask your teen if they have any questions or need further clarification around anything. Let them know you’re there for them if they ever want to talk about sex and relationships.

If they ask you something you don’t know the answer to, be honest. Tell them you’re not sure and do some research before getting back to them with accurate information.

 

Share some resources

Your teen might have some questions they’d rather explore on their own. Luckily, the internet is filled with great educational resources and answers at the touch of a button. But it can help to direct them to some credible resources where they can find trustworthy information when they need it.

Some helpful websites include:

For more helpful tips for parenting teens, check out this blog post.

Tips for Parenting Teens

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Watching your child grow into a teenager can be a proud and exciting journey – but it can also bring some new challenges.

Adolescence can be a tough time for the whole family, with intense emotional and physical changes often causing teens to be moody and withdraw from their parents.

Parents play a huge part in helping teenagers grow into well-adjusted adults. Your relationship with your child during this period can directly impact their behaviour, happiness, and their future relationships.

We hope these tips for parenting teenagers help you develop a positive relationship and give them the building blocks for a healthy adulthood.

 

Get to know their friends

Teenagers are strongly influenced by the behaviour of their peers. Their social groups can shape their decisions on everything from what they wear to how hard they try in school. Many teens seek acceptance from their peers and may do things they don’t want to in order to achieve it.

Research shows teens are more likely to engage in risky behaviours like smoking if their friends engage in those behaviours. Meanwhile, having high-achieving friends can influence teenagers’ own academic achievement and enjoyment of school.

It’s important to know who your child is spending their time with and keep an eye out if they’re getting into the ‘wrong crowd’. Make an effort to get to know your child’s friends, and be sure to meet their parents before agreeing to sleepovers.

 

Support their involvement in activities

Adolescence is a time of self-discovery and experimentation. Encourage your teen to try new things and learn new skills by joining a sport or activity.

Extracurricular activities can give them skills for later in life, like teamwork, leadership and discipline. They can also help build their confidence and provide an opportunity to meet likeminded people outside of school.

 

Maintain open communication

Are your questions met with a one-word answer or a grunt? Wondering what happened to your little chatterbox?

It’s normal for teens to withdraw from their parents and want to spend more time alone. But whether they’d like to admit it or not, your teenager needs you. Respect their privacy and new boundaries, but let them know you’re there for them.

When they do open up, listen with empathy and validate their feelings. Offer advice when warranted, but skip the preachy lectures. Remember that their hormones might be amplifying every negative situation and emotion for them right now, so allow their feelings to happen and don’t minimise them. They may start keeping things from you if they feel judged or like they can’t trust you.

 

Encourage independence

It’s healthy for teenagers to pull away from their parents and start to do things for themselves a little more. This is crucial for their development into an independent adult. You should encourage your teen to be more self-sufficient and not expect to be treated like a child (where appropriate).

This might include:

  • Taking responsibility for their own actions
  • Contributing to the housework
  • Learning basic tasks like cooking and laundry
  • Shopping for their own clothing
  • Paying their own phone bill.

Remember to let your teenager know they can still come to you if they need help or advice. Their independence should still be supervised until they’re adults.

 

Monitor their mental health

Studies show 1 in 7 young people aged 4 to 17 years experience a mental health condition in any given year. Almost 1 in 5 of all young people aged 11 to 17 years experience high or very high levels of psychological distress.

Some signs your teen might be struggling include:

  • Feeling sad, moody and irritable
  • Having trouble concentrating and staying focused
  • Changes in sleep (e.g. sleeping more or less)
  • Changes in appetite or weight (e.g. eating more or less)
  • Unexplained physical complaints like headaches or stomach aches
  • Withdrawing and spending a lot of time in their room alone
  • Not being interested in the activities they normally enjoy
  • Not wanting to go to school or socialise.

Be sure to pay extra attention to your teen’s behaviour and moods during this time, and check in regularly to see how they’re going.

If you worry your teen might be having a tough time, counselling could be a good option. Seeing a counsellor can help your teen talk about their problems in a safe and supportive environment and find ways to cope. RAQ offers counselling for individuals as well as family counselling – perfect if you need some help communicating or resolving conflict with your teenager.

You can call 1300 364 277 to learn more about our services and book a counselling appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom video chat.

How to Make Joint Child Custody Work

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Co-parenting can be challenging – especially if things with your former spouse didn’t end well.

You might be stressed about money, worried about your ex’s parenting abilities, or simply tired of conflict. While it may be tricky for you to navigate this new arrangement, it’s important to remember that it’s not easy on your child, either. And it’s your job to do everything you can to help them adjust and thrive in their new ‘normal’.

Learn how to share custody of a child and make the transition as smooth as possible with these tips.

 

Always put the child first

Your relationship may be over, but your family isn’t.

No matter how stressful or frustrating it can be, it’s important to put your own emotions aside for the sake of your child. Conflict between parents can be hurtful for a child to witness – particularly if they feel like it’s their fault their parents are fighting.

Maintaining a civil co-parenting relationship is key. This means being flexible and cooperative when making shared decisions around your child’s care. Avoid making demands out of spite, and always keep your child’s best interests at heart to ensure arrangements are made with their wellbeing and stability in mind. Keep conversations focused on your child’s needs, not yours or your ex’s.

 

Co-parent as a team

It’s essential that you work together as a team when it comes to your child. Maintaining consistency with rules and discipline between both homes helps your child avoid confusion and know what’s expected of them.

If your child has lost privileges in one household, the other should follow through with this discipline. It’s important to present as a united front so your child knows you and your co-parent are on the same page.

If you’re struggling to agree on arrangements, you might like to try mediation. Mediation can help you communicate respectfully, navigate conflict, and come to a mutually acceptable solution.

 

Maintain routine where you can

Routine makes children feel safe. While their new ‘normal’ might come with some changes, it’s important to try and maintain a routine where you can.

Stay consistent with set days spent with each parent. Keep days structured with regular mealtimes and bedtimes across each household. Agree on meeting at the same place for every drop-off and pickup.

While you may need to be flexible at times, try to keep your joint child custody arrangements as predictable as possible, and remember to keep your child in the loop with as much notice as possible when things change.

 

Don’t put your child in the middle

No matter what your personal relationship is like, it’s essential to keep any issues with your co-parent away from your child. The last thing a child wants is to feel like they have to pick a side with their parents.

Avoid speaking negatively about your ex around your child. Your child deserves a relationship with their other parent, and complaining about them could unfairly influence their feelings. If you need to vent your frustrations or talk through your concerns, speak to a trusted friend or professional.

You should also avoid using your child as a messenger to get information to your ex. Always call, text, or email them directly. Seeing your relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your child’s welfare can help you communicate in a civil and respectful manner.

 

Having a hard time agreeing on joint child custody arrangements? RAQ offers support for families who are considering separation, currently going through separation, or who have already separated. To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Foster Parenting Tips

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Thinking of opening your home and heart to a foster child for the short-term or long-term?

Becoming a foster parent is a big step. The journey of a foster carer can have its challenges, but it can also be one of the most rewarding and worthwhile things you ever do.

If you’re a new foster parent feeling nervous about your first placement, we hope these foster parenting tips help you feel a little more prepared.

 

Provide their creature comforts

Along with the basics like clean clothes and personal hygiene items, make them feel as welcome as possible by providing their preferred creature comforts. Ask them what their favourite meals and snacks are, and if they’d like a night light or noise machine to sleep.

These small additions can make a huge difference for your foster child, helping them feel at home faster.

 

Give them time and space

It’s normal for foster carers to want to be there for their foster children right away. But it can take time for children to feel comfortable opening up – especially in an unfamiliar environment.

Give them time and space to get comfortable with their new home and with you. Let them know you’re there for them when they need you, but don’t push them to tell you about their past or how they’re feeling.

 

Establish a routine

Foster children often come from unsafe, abusive, or negligent backgrounds. They may have lived in chaotic environments where they didn’t know what was going to happen next.

The stability and predictability of a routine can help them feel safe and reduce their stress – and it can also teach and create boundaries. Establish a daily schedule and let them know what’s planned so they know what to expect.

 

Be flexible with your expectations

You might dream of taking a foster child under your wing, helping them turn their life around and thrive in school and social circles. But it’s important to remember that they’ve likely been through a lot, and they may not achieve the milestones you’ve set for them on your timeline – or ever.

Don’t get too attached to your expectations or how you’d like your time together to go. Instead, be patient and understanding, and support your foster child to do their best at their own pace.

 

Seek professional help if needed

Your foster child might need extra support processing their trauma and feelings. A professional counsellor can help them explore their emotions and deal with their concerns in a supportive and confidential environment.

This applies to you, too. Caring for a child in need can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Remember to look after yourself and talk to a professional if you need to.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

 

How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality

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It’s normal for children and teens to explore how they identify and who they’re attracted to. But if your child isn’t sure where they sit on the gender or sexuality spectrum, they may feel anything but normal.  Love and support from family is crucial during this confusing time.

But talking to your child about gender, sex and identity can be overwhelming. These topics aren’t as black and white as some people might think, and it can be hard to know where to start.

We hope these tips help you support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Listen and learn

It takes a lot of courage to open up about gender and/or sexuality. Chances are your child is worried about how you’ll react, fearing the possibility of judgement and rejection. When your child trusts you enough to talk about these things, really listen to them and try to understand their experience. Show genuine interest and curiosity while respecting their boundaries.

Believe what they’re telling you, and avoid brushing it off as a ‘phase’. This negative attitude can be invalidating to your child and prevent them from opening up again.

 

Create a loving home environment

The best way you can support your child is to accept them for who they are, and let them know they’re loved unconditionally. Ensure your home environment is a safe space where they’re free to express themselves without judgement. Show them encouragement and praise for being open with you.

Avoid using derogatory language, pressuring them to conform to social norms (e.g. wearing certain clothes), or making jokes about their identity and/or expression. Respect their privacy and don’t push them to answer intrusive questions or disclose anything they don’t want to.

 

Do your research

Improve your understanding of LGBTQIA+ experiences and issues by doing some research online. Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms might include:

  • Gender identity: A person’s sense of being male or female or somewhere else on the gender spectrum.
  • Sex assigned at birth: The sex classification people are given at birth based on genitalia.
  • Transgender: A person who does not exclusively identify with the gender they were assigned at birth
  • Cisgender: A person whose gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth.
  • Gender nonbinary: A person who identifies as both male and female, somewhere in between the two, or neither.
  • Gender fluid: When a person’s gender identity shifts between male and female. Their sense of where they are on the spectrum can change over time – even from day to day.
  • Lesbian: A woman or feminine-identifying person who wants to be in a relationship with another woman.
  • Gay: A man who wants to be in a relationship with another man (though sometimes lesbians also use this term).
  • Bisexual: Someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
  • Pansexual: Someone who is interested in having relationships with all gender identities/expressions.

The Gender Unicorn can be a helpful resource for parents/carers and children.

The Gender Unicorn infpgraphic shows difference between gender identity, expression, sex assigned at birth, and attraction

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Coming out is difficult, and a significant event your child will likely remember for the rest of their life. Don’t take away their right to disclose their personal information in their own time. Allow your child to dictate who they do and don’t want to know about this information.

This is a time of exploration and discovery, and your child might not want the entire extended family, all their teachers, or the neighbours to know how they’re feeling until they’ve figured it out for themselves.

 

Monitor their mental health

It’s tough enough being a kid sometimes, and unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ youth can face additional challenges. Research shows LGBT young people are nearly twice as likely to engage in self-injury than their similar-aged peers.

Keep an eye on your child for signs of withdrawal, depression, or self-harm. If you do notice any of these behaviours or other behaviour changes that signal alarm bells for you, remind your child you’re there for them, and seek support from your GP.

How to Help a Teenager Build Self-Esteem

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It’s tough being a teen. Even kids who seemed confident during childhood may struggle with physical changes, confusing emotions, and social pressures throughout adolescence.

Teenagers might feel self-conscious about their appearance, question their abilities, and stress about decisions for their future. This period of intense physical and emotional growth can be overwhelming for both teens and their parents/caregivers.

With the right support, you can help your self-conscious teenager navigate these formative years and grow into a confident young adult.

 

Model Confidence

One of the best ways to help build a teenager’s confidence is to show them what confidence looks like. Face new challenges with courage, avoid making critical statements about yourself and others, and show resilience when you make mistakes.

Demonstrate the importance of being happy within yourself instead of relying on other people or external circumstances for happiness. This is an important lesson for teens to learn, as they can be especially dependent on their peers (and romantic relationships) during this time.

 

Promote Positive Self-Talk

A toxic inner monologue can have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves – whatever our age.

If your teen is constantly thinking and speaking negatively about themselves, it can really eat away at their self-esteem. Self-conscious teenagers tend to put themselves down, catastrophise (or jump to worst-case scenario), and focus on the negatives.

Encourage positive self-talk and teach your teen how to reframe irrational, unhelpful thoughts. For example, try replacing “She didn’t text me back – she must not like me anymore” with “She must be too busy to text right now, and that has nothing to do with me as a person”. Instead of “I’m going to fail this test because I’m not smart enough”, try “I can pass this test if I study hard and try my best”.

 

Encourage Them to try New Things

Learning new things and engaging in diverse activities and interests can help teens gain a sense of purpose and build their confidence.

Encourage your teenager to explore new opportunities and develop new skills by picking up a hobby or sport. This will also give them a chance to expand their social circle and meet likeminded people outside of their friendship group at school.

 

Commend Effort Over Outcome

We can control our effort, but we can’t always control the outcome. Teach your teen about the importance of trying their best rather than putting all the focus on whether they succeed or not.

For example, instead of praising them for doing well on a test, tell them how proud you are of them for studying and preparing for the test. Emphasise their hard work and perseverance so they know it’s OK if things don’t go the way they hoped, as long as they did their best.

 

Listen Without Lecturing

While it may be tempting to jump in and offer advice or fix your teenager’s problems, this can actually hinder their ability to find their own solutions and grow through experience.

Sometimes we just need a good vent, and opening up about our problems isn’t always an invitation for advice. Let them know they can come to you to work through their issues and options without getting a lecture.

 

Practise Social Skills

If your teen gets nervous in social situations or has trouble asserting themselves, try a little role play. Create a safe space for them to practise approaching someone and starting a conversation, focusing on the basics such as posture, body language, and showing an interest in others.

Give them a chance to rehearse difficult conversations with peers or teachers to help them build their confidence for the real thing.

 

Our friendly and professional counsellors have experience with a wide range of issues such as self-esteem, body image, bullying, anxiety and depression. You can learn more about our counselling services and make an appointment here.

Tips for Separating with Kids

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Separation can be an upsetting time for everyone involved.

Separating or divorcing with kids brings its own unique challenges as you help them make sense of big changes in the family. Children might feel confused, sad, or even angry. But there are ways you can help them better understand and cope.

Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie explains, “It’s not always parents separating that causes the psychological distress for children, but the way in which parents separate.”

With the right support, you can make your child’s wellbeing your top priority and reduce their stress and pain during this unsettling time.

 

How to Talk to Kids about Separation

While kids need to know their parents are separating or getting a divorce, they generally don’t need to know why.

When telling your kids about your divorce or separation, it’s important to keep it simple, stick to the facts, and reassure them that they are in no way responsible.

“Reassure the children they are loved, the separation is in no way their fault, and they will continue a relationship with both parents,” Shirley advises. “There is no rulebook – what works for one may not work for another. However, knowing they are loved and safe is fundamental.”

Some things to keep in mind when talking to your kids about your separation might include:

  • If you can, try to agree with your ex-partner in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce so you’re both on the same page and don’t confuse your kids
  • Don’t blame, criticise, or belittle the other parent in front of your kids
  • Keep your explanation clear, simple, and appropriate to their age and stage of development
  • Reassure them that they have not done anything wrong and that there is nothing they can do to get their parents back together
  • Tell them that you both love them and they will continue to have a relationship with both parents
  • Address any practical issues (e.g. changes to routines, living arrangements)
  • Give them opportunities to ask questions and express how they’re feeling.

 

Helping Kids through Divorce or Separation

“Parents separating has a profound impact on children,” Shirley explains. “They can feel confused, responsible, angry, lost, sad, lonely, and hurt.”

You can help your children adjust to their new circumstances with these practical tips.

Do:

  • Try to maintain as much consistency in their routines as you can
  • Introduce any changes to routines as gradually as possible
  • Provide reassurance with affection and by telling them “I love you”
  • Protect them from any conflict between you and the other parent
  • Encourage discussion about their feelings and concerns
  • Help them identify their feelings and let them know it’s normal and OK to feel that way
  • Give them opportunities to hear about other children who have experienced separation/divorce
  • Spend time strengthening your parenting skills
  • Support their relationship with the other parent
  • Ask caregivers/teachers to let you know if they notice changes in your child’s behaviour.

Don’t:

  • Lean on them for emotional support
  • Blame or speak negatively about the other parent in front of them
  • Use your child to play ‘messenger’ between you and the other parent
  • Ask your child to ‘spy’ or report back to you after spending time with the other parent
  • Give your child responsibilities that are inappropriate to their age (e.g. too many household responsibilities).

“Let them continue to be children and have fun,” says Shirley. “This is not their burden to carry.”

If you notice significant changes in your child’s behaviour, such as grief, crying, withdrawing, aggression, physical complaints (e.g. headaches, stomach aches), changes in sleeping or eating patterns, it may be a sign your child isn’t coping during this tough time.

 

You can find more advice to assist your children through your separation in the helpful booklet What About the Children?.

Learn about Relationships Australia QLD’s separation support services here.

If you’re recently separated or thinking about separating, you might find our separation checklist helpful.