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Category: Children

How to Have “The Talk” with Your Teenager

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‘The birds and the bees’ is something we all learn about eventually, and it’s generally best that it comes from a parent or guardian. Learning about sex from the media and peers alone can leave kids and teens at risk of developing inaccurate and problematic beliefs and behaviours.

Teaching your kids about sex can help keep them informed, healthy, and safe. But how do you have the ‘sex talk’ with your teenager in a way that’s constructive and comfortable for everyone?

We hope this advice helps make that tricky conversation a little easier.

 

Find the right time

Give your teen a heads up that you’d like to have a chat about sex. This can give them time to prepare themselves and think of any questions they might have.

Sit them down in a private and comfortable environment, such as their bedroom or your living room. Ideally, find a time when they’re not distracted by looming exams or other stressful events.

If you’d prefer a more ‘organic’ way to discuss the subject, you might like to casually raise it with your teenager following a relevant event such as a family pregnancy, movie, song, or ad. These everyday moments can be the perfect springboard for the discussion.

 

Share the basic facts

You don’t have to be an expert, but you should know and share the basic facts about sex that can help keep your teen safe.

Some of these include:

  • What sex is and what behaviours can lead to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
  • Contraception such as condoms and birth control
  • Consent and boundaries, including how to give and respectfully receive a ‘no’
  • The social and legal risks of sexting and sending explicit images
  • Healthy vs. unhealthy romantic relationships
  • Questioning their sexuality.

Remember not to assume your teenager is heterosexual, and explain that STDs can be transmitted in same-sex encounters, too.

Read our article How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality for tips to support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Discuss your expectations

Be clear about your expectations. You can limit the time your teen spends with their peers without an adult around, ask them where they’re going and where they’ve been, give them a curfew, and have an ‘open bedroom door’ policy in your home. If they’re dating, get to know their partner’s parents and discuss your expectations with them, too.

Keep communication open with your teen and develop trust so they’ll be more likely to open up to you in future.

 

Encourage questions

Ask your teen if they have any questions or need further clarification around anything. Let them know you’re there for them if they ever want to talk about sex and relationships.

If they ask you something you don’t know the answer to, be honest. Tell them you’re not sure and do some research before getting back to them with accurate information.

 

Share some resources

Your teen might have some questions they’d rather explore on their own. Luckily, the internet is filled with great educational resources and answers at the touch of a button. But it can help to direct them to some credible resources where they can find trustworthy information when they need it.

Some helpful websites include:

For more helpful tips for parenting teens, check out this blog post.

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Foster Parenting Tips

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Thinking of opening your home and heart to a foster child for the short-term or long-term?

Becoming a foster parent is a big step. The journey of a foster carer can have its challenges, but it can also be one of the most rewarding and worthwhile things you ever do.

If you’re a new foster parent feeling nervous about your first placement, we hope these foster parenting tips help you feel a little more prepared.

 

Provide their creature comforts

Along with the basics like clean clothes and personal hygiene items, make them feel as welcome as possible by providing their preferred creature comforts. Ask them what their favourite meals and snacks are, and if they’d like a night light or noise machine to sleep.

These small additions can make a huge difference for your foster child, helping them feel at home faster.

 

Give them time and space

It’s normal for foster carers to want to be there for their foster children right away. But it can take time for children to feel comfortable opening up – especially in an unfamiliar environment.

Give them time and space to get comfortable with their new home and with you. Let them know you’re there for them when they need you, but don’t push them to tell you about their past or how they’re feeling.

 

Establish a routine

Foster children often come from unsafe, abusive, or negligent backgrounds. They may have lived in chaotic environments where they didn’t know what was going to happen next.

The stability and predictability of a routine can help them feel safe and reduce their stress – and it can also teach and create boundaries. Establish a daily schedule and let them know what’s planned so they know what to expect.

 

Be flexible with your expectations

You might dream of taking a foster child under your wing, helping them turn their life around and thrive in school and social circles. But it’s important to remember that they’ve likely been through a lot, and they may not achieve the milestones you’ve set for them on your timeline – or ever.

Don’t get too attached to your expectations or how you’d like your time together to go. Instead, be patient and understanding, and support your foster child to do their best at their own pace.

 

Seek professional help if needed

Your foster child might need extra support processing their trauma and feelings. A professional counsellor can help them explore their emotions and deal with their concerns in a supportive and confidential environment.

This applies to you, too. Caring for a child in need can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Remember to look after yourself and talk to a professional if you need to.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

 

How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality

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It’s normal for children and teens to explore how they identify and who they’re attracted to. But if your child isn’t sure where they sit on the gender or sexuality spectrum, they may feel anything but normal.  Love and support from family is crucial during this confusing time.

But talking to your child about gender, sex and identity can be overwhelming. These topics aren’t as black and white as some people might think, and it can be hard to know where to start.

We hope these tips help you support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Listen and learn

It takes a lot of courage to open up about gender and/or sexuality. Chances are your child is worried about how you’ll react, fearing the possibility of judgement and rejection. When your child trusts you enough to talk about these things, really listen to them and try to understand their experience. Show genuine interest and curiosity while respecting their boundaries.

Believe what they’re telling you, and avoid brushing it off as a ‘phase’. This negative attitude can be invalidating to your child and prevent them from opening up again.

 

Create a loving home environment

The best way you can support your child is to accept them for who they are, and let them know they’re loved unconditionally. Ensure your home environment is a safe space where they’re free to express themselves without judgement. Show them encouragement and praise for being open with you.

Avoid using derogatory language, pressuring them to conform to social norms (e.g. wearing certain clothes), or making jokes about their identity and/or expression. Respect their privacy and don’t push them to answer intrusive questions or disclose anything they don’t want to.

 

Do your research

Improve your understanding of LGBTQIA+ experiences and issues by doing some research online. Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms might include:

  • Gender identity: A person’s sense of being male or female or somewhere else on the gender spectrum.
  • Sex assigned at birth: The sex classification people are given at birth based on genitalia.
  • Transgender: A person who does not exclusively identify with the gender they were assigned at birth
  • Cisgender: A person whose gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth.
  • Gender nonbinary: A person who identifies as both male and female, somewhere in between the two, or neither.
  • Gender fluid: When a person’s gender identity shifts between male and female. Their sense of where they are on the spectrum can change over time – even from day to day.
  • Lesbian: A woman or feminine-identifying person who wants to be in a relationship with another woman.
  • Gay: A man who wants to be in a relationship with another man (though sometimes lesbians also use this term).
  • Bisexual: Someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
  • Pansexual: Someone who is interested in having relationships with all gender identities/expressions.

The Gender Unicorn can be a helpful resource for parents/carers and children.

The Gender Unicorn infpgraphic shows difference between gender identity, expression, sex assigned at birth, and attraction

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Coming out is difficult, and a significant event your child will likely remember for the rest of their life. Don’t take away their right to disclose their personal information in their own time. Allow your child to dictate who they do and don’t want to know about this information.

This is a time of exploration and discovery, and your child might not want the entire extended family, all their teachers, or the neighbours to know how they’re feeling until they’ve figured it out for themselves.

 

Monitor their mental health

It’s tough enough being a kid sometimes, and unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ youth can face additional challenges. Research shows LGBT young people are nearly twice as likely to engage in self-injury than their similar-aged peers.

Keep an eye on your child for signs of withdrawal, depression, or self-harm. If you do notice any of these behaviours or other behaviour changes that signal alarm bells for you, remind your child you’re there for them, and seek support from your GP.

Tips for Separating with Kids

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Separation can be an upsetting time for everyone involved.

Separating or divorcing with kids brings its own unique challenges as you help them make sense of big changes in the family. Children might feel confused, sad, or even angry. But there are ways you can help them better understand and cope.

Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie explains, “It’s not always parents separating that causes the psychological distress for children, but the way in which parents separate.”

With the right support, you can make your child’s wellbeing your top priority and reduce their stress and pain during this unsettling time.

 

How to Talk to Kids about Separation

While kids need to know their parents are separating or getting a divorce, they generally don’t need to know why.

When telling your kids about your divorce or separation, it’s important to keep it simple, stick to the facts, and reassure them that they are in no way responsible.

“Reassure the children they are loved, the separation is in no way their fault, and they will continue a relationship with both parents,” Shirley advises. “There is no rulebook – what works for one may not work for another. However, knowing they are loved and safe is fundamental.”

Some things to keep in mind when talking to your kids about your separation might include:

  • If you can, try to agree with your ex-partner in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce so you’re both on the same page and don’t confuse your kids
  • Don’t blame, criticise, or belittle the other parent in front of your kids
  • Keep your explanation clear, simple, and appropriate to their age and stage of development
  • Reassure them that they have not done anything wrong and that there is nothing they can do to get their parents back together
  • Tell them that you both love them and they will continue to have a relationship with both parents
  • Address any practical issues (e.g. changes to routines, living arrangements)
  • Give them opportunities to ask questions and express how they’re feeling.

 

Helping Kids through Divorce or Separation

“Parents separating has a profound impact on children,” Shirley explains. “They can feel confused, responsible, angry, lost, sad, lonely, and hurt.”

You can help your children adjust to their new circumstances with these practical tips.

Do:

  • Try to maintain as much consistency in their routines as you can
  • Introduce any changes to routines as gradually as possible
  • Provide reassurance with affection and by telling them “I love you”
  • Protect them from any conflict between you and the other parent
  • Encourage discussion about their feelings and concerns
  • Help them identify their feelings and let them know it’s normal and OK to feel that way
  • Give them opportunities to hear about other children who have experienced separation/divorce
  • Spend time strengthening your parenting skills
  • Support their relationship with the other parent
  • Ask caregivers/teachers to let you know if they notice changes in your child’s behaviour.

Don’t:

  • Lean on them for emotional support
  • Blame or speak negatively about the other parent in front of them
  • Use your child to play ‘messenger’ between you and the other parent
  • Ask your child to ‘spy’ or report back to you after spending time with the other parent
  • Give your child responsibilities that are inappropriate to their age (e.g. too many household responsibilities).

“Let them continue to be children and have fun,” says Shirley. “This is not their burden to carry.”

If you notice significant changes in your child’s behaviour, such as grief, crying, withdrawing, aggression, physical complaints (e.g. headaches, stomach aches), changes in sleeping or eating patterns, it may be a sign your child isn’t coping during this tough time.

 

You can find more advice to assist your children through your separation in the helpful booklet What About the Children?.

Learn about Relationships Australia QLD’s separation support services here.

If you’re recently separated or thinking about separating, you might find our separation checklist helpful.