Category: Domestic & Family Violence

All kinds of domestic and family violence can have damaging and long-lasting impacts on survivors. 

This includes physical, sexual, financial, psychological, and emotional abuse, as well as coercive control. 

Research has found that women who have been abused by a partner are three times more likely to suffer mental ill health. 

Along with fear, shame, and reduced self-worth, the impacts of domestic abuse can extend to depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other mental health conditions. 

Experiencing or growing up around domestic and family violence can also increase the risk of substance abuse to self-medicate, and even suicidal thoughts or attempts. 

RAQ Regional Manager Val explores the connection between mental illness and abuse and shares her advice for survivors. 

 

Effects of Abuse on Mental Health

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to have ongoing negative effects. Trauma is a normal and common response to any kind of abuse, and trauma is known to significantly impact our mental health. 

Research shows experiencing trauma – such as that caused by domestic and family abuse – can contribute to the development of many types of mental illness such as: 

• Psychosis 
• Schizophrenia 
• Eating disorders 
• Personality disorders 
• Depressive and anxiety disorders 
• Alcohol and substance-use disorders 
• Self-harm and suicide-related behaviours. 

It also shows that childhood trauma not only increases the risk of mental illness, but also the response to treatment. This is because trauma impacts how the brain develops during these formative years. 

“All kinds of abuse can affect us in a very deep way,” Val explains. 

“We can begin to believe we’re not good enough and we don’t deserve anything good, and this can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of low self-worth.” 

 

How Abuse can Impact Future Relationships

Survivors of abuse often bring their feelings of shame and damaged self-esteem into their following relationships.  

“Coming out of an abusive relationship can leave marks on our physical and emotional self,” Val explains. 

“We can not only carry the physical scars, but also the very deep emotional scars around our self-esteem, physical appearance, and our belief in our self as a functioning human being. This can impact how we see ourselves and how we react in other relationships.” 

The emotional impact of domestic and family violence may make it hard to form healthy attachments in future relationships. 

Survivors might feel undeserving of love and lack boundaries, which may result in experiencing further abuse if future partners take advantage of this. Or they may find it difficult to trust people and avoid entering another intimate relationship for some time. 

It’s important for partners of survivors of abuse to show empathy, patience, and respect, and seek support for themselves if they need some help supporting their partner. 

“Abusive relationships can rewrite our story of how we see ourselves.” 

 

Prioritising Mental Health after an Abusive Relationship

It often takes a lot of bravery, support, and planning to leave an abusive environment, and you may need to take some extra steps to stay safe once you’ve left. We offer advice to stay safe after leaving an abusive partner here. 

The effects of abuse on your mental health can last well after you experienced it. In fact, you may start to notice symptoms of mental health conditions well after you’ve left your abuser. 

It’s crucial to prioritise your mental health and wellbeing during this time. 

“Start by looking after your physical body. Eat well, get enough sleep, do some physical exercise, and start to love yourself again,” Val suggests. 

“Along with looking after your physical health, it’s important to look after your mental health. Small steps can make big changes,” she says. 

“Find what makes you smile and begin to laugh again. Is it art? Music? A good book? Time with family or friends?” 

“Surround yourself with positive people who love you, and find a counsellor who will help you work on yourself to become the person you want to be.” 

Speaking with a counsellor can help you to rebuild your self-esteem, set some achievable goals, and remind yourself that you are worthy and loveable. 

 

Where to Get Help

“We are often hard enough on ourselves without someone else telling us all the things that are wrong with us or that we aren’t ever going to be good enough,” Val says. 

“If you’re around someone who does that to you, ask yourself: Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Your safety is paramount. Find people who can support you and break the cycle of abuse.” 

You deserve a life free from abuse. You deserve to be loved in a respectful way, and you don’t have to heal alone. Reach out for help and prioritise your safety and wellbeing. 

Our counsellors can help you process your experience in a safe environment free from judgement.  

They can work with you to explore your options and refer you to the appropriate support, including legal action where necessary. 

You can learn more about our counselling service_here, or call_1300 364 277_to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call. 

We explore more of the effects of domestic violence – including the effects on children who witness domestic and family abuse – here.

Coercive control is a dangerous form of domestic abuse that is used to manipulate, intimidate, and scare survivors.

This type of abuse has been criminalised in some Australian states and is set to become a criminal offence in Queensland by 2025.

Coercive control involves emotional and psychological abuse. It can exist on its own without any physical violence, and this can make it harder to identify than some other forms of domestic violence.

It’s common for people who use control in their relationships to gaslight their survivors, calling them dramatic or ‘too sensitive’. This kind of manipulation can make survivors second guess themselves and whether they’re experiencing abuse or not.

It’s important to know the signs of coercive control to know when to seek help for yourself and keep an eye on the people around you.

This coercive control checklist includes just some of the common ways coercive control might be used in a relationship.

 

• Isolating from friends and family – The abuser may try to get their partner to reduce or cut contact with their support network, making them easier to control.
• Withholding affection – This might include giving their partner the cold shoulder or silent treatment as a form of punishment until the abuser gets what they want.
• Making all the decisions – The abuser will generally make all the important decisions in the relationship, ignoring their partner’s preferences and saying they know best.
• Discouraging from having hobbies or goals – The abuser may prevent their partner from pursuing hobbies or attending school or work with the goal of keeping the survivor’s inner world small and their self-esteem low.
• Monitoring activity – This generally involves excessive texts or calls when apart or reading messages or emails without their partner’s permission.
• Stalking – In extreme cases, monitoring activity may involve the abuser following their partner to keep track of them, or placing cameras or GPS tracking software on their home, car, or phone.
• Gaslighting – As mentioned, abusers who use control in their relationship will often deny the abuse by gaslighting their partner. They might do this by saying their partner is just being too sensitive or dramatic, or that they can’t take a joke. This will make the survivor question their experience and their reaction.
• Restricting autonomy – With the goal to reduce the survivor’s freedom and independence, the abuser might restrict their access to a car or public transport, hide their phone or laptop, or change their passwords for social media or banking apps.
• Controlling the body – This might include telling their partner what they can and can’t wear, or making passive aggressive comments about how they present themselves, how much they eat, or how often they exercise. It can even include hiding medications such as oral contraception.
• Degradation – The abuser might call their partner names, put them down, make fun of or criticise how they do things, and bully them under the guise of a “joke”. They might do this in private and/or in front of others to chip away at their self-esteem.
• Financial control – Financial abuse can be a form of coercive control. This involves the abuser withholding or limiting access to money, or dictating what money can and can’t be spent on.
• Jealousy and possessiveness – Constant accusations of cheating can be used to guilt the survivor into staying home from social events or cutting contact with friends and/or colleagues of the opposite sex (if in a heterosexual relationship).
• Reinforcing traditional gender roles – Statistics show that in most cases, the abuser is male. It’s common for men to use traditional gender roles to control their female partner’s behaviour. For example, they might use the argument that women are homemakers and mothers to coerce their partner into doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare.
• Threats and intimidation – This might involve threats to the victim’s own safety or that of their children, pets, property, friends or family.

 

If you recognise these behaviours, you may be in a controlling or unhealthy relationship. Help is available for anyone impacted by domestic and family abuse of any kind.

Learn about our counselling service here, or call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the right support for your situation.

 

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, and in many situations, it can also be unsafe.

In fact, the period that follows leaving an abusive partner can be the most dangerous time for a survivor of abuse. The abuser may fear a loss of control and increase their abusive behaviours in an attempt to hold onto it.

Many people in abusive relationships will remain in their situation out of fear for their safety – and the safety of their kids or pets – if they do leave.

It often takes a lot of bravery, support, and planning to escape an abusive environment, and you may need to take some extra steps to stay safe once you’ve left.

We offer some suggestions to increase your safety here.

If you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Access Paid Family and Domestic Violence Leave if Eligible

Paid family and domestic violence leave is now available for some Australian employees.

Full-time, part-time, and casual employees of medium and large businesses can now access 10 days of paid family and domestic violence leave in a 12-month period.

Employees of small businesses can access the leave from 1 August 2023.

This paid leave ensures you can make arrangements and attend appointments required to deal with the impact of family and domestic violence without losing wages. This might include moving to a safe location, accessing police services, attending court hearings, or attending counselling.

This leave can also help reduce vulnerability for people concerned about their abuser visiting their workplace directly following the separation.

The Fair Work Ombudsman states:

“If an employee takes paid family and domestic violence leave, they have to let their employer know as soon as possible. This could be after the leave has started. An employer can ask their employee for evidence to show that the employee needs to do something to deal with family and domestic violence and it’s not practical to do that outside their hours of work.”

You can learn more about paid family and domestic violence leave here.

 

Consider Getting a Protection Order

If you’re worried about your safety, you may want to consider getting a protection order – also known as Apprehended Violence Orders or AVO.

This is a court order that bans someone from assaulting, harassing, threatening or stalking you, and the person can be charged if they break the order.

It’s a good idea to always carry a copy of the protection order with you and call the police if it’s broken. You should inform your employer of the situation if the order prevents your abuser from visiting your place of work.

You may like to speak to someone about whether this option is suitable for your situation. You can learn more about the application process here.

 

Change Your Routine

Wherever possible, try to mix up your routine so your abuser can’t predict where you’ll be.

This might include:

• Avoiding your usual cafés and grocery stores
• Driving a different car (e.g. borrowing a friend’s)
• Leaving home or work at different hours
• Taking a different commute route
• Catching different buses or trains
• Avoiding your usual gym or walking route
• Changing any upcoming appointments they might know about.

If eligible, accessing paid family and domestic violence leave can support your safety by allowing you to take some time away from your workplace while you make arrangements and attend appointments.

 

Update Your Passwords and Privacy Settings

Survivors of domestic and family violence can be at high risk for online abuse. Unfortunately, advances in technology and social media have made it easier for abusers to stalk and harass their victims.

One way to protect yourself online is by updating the passwords on your social media, email, bank, and any other accounts. Choose strong passwords that your abuser won’t be able to guess.

Ensure all social media accounts are set to private and block your abuser wherever necessary. You may even like to consider getting a new phone number so your abuser can’t reach you.

 

Delete Location-Tracking Apps

Another way to protect yourself online is to deactivate the GPS setting on any location-tracking apps or spyware on your phone, such as Find my Friends, Snap Chat or Strava, or delete these apps altogether.

You should also avoid ‘checking in’ anywhere on social media or posting photos that may reveal your location. For example, avoid posting any photos that include street or shop signs or any identifiable buildings or landmarks.

 

Lean on Your Support Networks

It can be scary confiding in someone about what’s been happening behind closed doors. But it’s important that someone you trust knows about your situation so you have emotional support and a potential witness.

You might like to tell a friend, family member, colleague, or even a neighbour about what’s going on, and ask them to call the police on 000 if they witness any future abuse.

Remember that there is never an excuse for abuse, and it’s always the abuser’s choice to use abuse against their survivor. It’s not your fault, and you deserve to feel safe and respected in every relationship. Your loved ones just want to be there for you to help you stay safe and begin to heal.

 

Get Professional Support

Leaving an abusive relationship can take a huge emotional toll on survivors, and living with abuse can cause serious psychological damage. It’s important that you look after yourself during this difficult time.

Our experienced counsellors can help you process your experience in a safe environment free from judgement. They can work with you to explore your options and refer you to the appropriate support, including legal action where necessary.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

 

Other Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

We look at how to make a domestic violence safety plan and exit strategy here.

Controlling behaviour can range from directly telling someone what they can and can’t do, to more subtle methods, such as giving you the silent treatment if they don’t get their own way.

Controlling behaviours may even be disguised as ‘caring’. For example, your partner might demand to know where you are and who you’re with at all times and say it’s just because they care about you.

This is an example of coercive control, which is a form of abuse that has become illegal in some states in Australia, and is set to become illegal in Queensland by 2025.

Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.

Manipulative and controlling behaviour can be especially harmful as it can be difficult to ‘prove’ and easy for the perpetrator to gaslight their victim into thinking they’re just being dramatic or too sensitive.

This blog post will explore some of the more subtle controlling behaviours and advice if you’re living with control in your relationship.

 

Using the silent treatment or withholding affection

The silent treatment can be used by people who don’t know how to express their feelings or are uncomfortable with conflict. But it can also be used as a form of punishment and control in abusive relationships.

A controlling partner might withhold their affection or give you the cold shoulder as a way to influence or control your behaviour if they don’t get their own way.

The silent treatment can damage emotional intimacy and the ability to communicate in a healthy way.

If you’re upset with your partner but don’t feel like talking, try saying this instead of ignoring them:

• “I’m feeling too upset to talk right now.”
• “I need some time to put my words together.”
• “Let’s talk about it when we’re both feeling calm.”
• “I don’t want to say something that I’ll regret.”

 

Policing your appearance

This might include comments about what you wear, what you eat, or how you should present yourself in order to control your decisions around your appearance.

While some forms of policing your appearance are clear and direct, others may be more passive aggressive and subtle. For example:

• “That’s a very tight dress.”
• “Who are you all dressed up for?”
• “Maybe you should have a salad instead.”
• “You’re eating another slice of pizza?”

These are just some examples of more indirect comments used to control your decisions around your body and appearance. It doesn’t have to be a direct command to be controlling.

 

Convincing you your friends are flawed

A controlling partner will often try to isolate their victim from their support network.

Telling you who you can and can’t see or speak to is an obvious way to do this. But a more subtle controlling behaviour is trying to sway your opinion of a loved one by talking negatively about them.

They might plant seeds of doubt by exaggerating a friend’s negative trait. For example, if you have a friend that is consistently late to social plans, a controlling partner might focus on this and try to convince you that friend is rude or doesn’t really care about you and isn’t worth your time.

 

Making it hard for you to be friends with people of the opposite sex

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in a controlling relationship, the abuser might make it hard to form or maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your sexuality, of course).

They might monitor your social media contacts and question why you’re friends with a certain person, or accuse you of flirting with a co-worker they don’t want you spending time with.

Controlling partners often act jealous and possessive to reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world – particularly with people who may be potential threats.

 

Insisting on going everywhere with you

It’s healthy and normal for individuals in a relationship to maintain their friendships and hobbies outside of the relationship and separate to their partner.

A controlling partner might insist on attending every social event with you or joining you whenever you leave the house, whether it’s to the gym or to your local café. Or they might guilt you for leaving them at home all by themselves.

These behaviours indicate jealousy, possessiveness, and a lack of trust, and the objective is usually to control and monitor your behaviour and other relationships.

 

Insults disguised as jokes

A controlling partner might aim to slowly chip away at their victim’s self-esteem in order to gain control over them and prevent them from leaving the relationship.

This might include criticising how you do things, calling you names, putting you down, or saying you’d be lost without them – even if they claim they’re “only joking”.

Many abusers will belittle their victim under the disguise of banter and then blame their partner for not being able to take a joke.

 

What to do if you’re in a controlling relationship

If you’re the target of coercive control, you might experience:

• Confusion around where you stand in your relationship
• Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner
• Second-guessing yourself and whether you’re just being sensitive
• Damaged confidence and self-identity
• Fear of being without your partner.

Not every relationship involving control and manipulation is doomed. This depends on the level of abuse and whether you feel safe. If you feel safe to do so, attending relationship counselling can help you explore your issues and find strategies for a healthier dynamic.

If the person using control is open to it, individual counselling can help them reflect on why they use control and address any underlying issues that may be present for them.

We offer counselling for individuals and couples in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

You can learn more about why people use control in relationships and the impacts of control on survivors in our blog post Is my partner controlling?

Does your partner make you feel guilty, insecure, intimidated, or dependent on them? You could be in a controlling relationship.

A controlling relationship is one where one person uses manipulation and intimidation to create an unequal power dynamic or ‘have the upper hand’ in their relationship.

While it may be harder to identify than physical violence, coercive control is still a dangerous form of domestic abuse – and it’s been criminalised in many Australian states.

It’s not always easy to know whether you’re in a controlling relationship, especially because the person using control will often gaslight their victim into thinking they’re being dramatic or too sensitive.

“Coercive control usually develops gradually over time,” RAQ Clinical Supervisor Angela explains.

“It works by getting you to question your perspective and second-guess yourself. If you question the behaviours, your partner makes you feel it’s your fault you feel uncomfortable, or you’re overreacting.”

Angela explores control in relationships and shares more insights in this blog post, including:

• Examples of controlling behaviours
• Reasons people use control in relationships
• Impacts of control on survivors
• Advice for people experiencing control in their relationship.

 

Examples of Controlling Behaviours

Coercive control is a form of abuse in and of itself. It can exist on its own without any physical abuse in the relationship, and this may be why it wasn’t legally recognised as abuse until recently. But while it may be harder to identify, coercive control can be just as dangerous and damaging as other forms of abuse.

Coercive control always includes emotional and psychological abuse, and usually creates fear. Over time, it can escalate into physical or lethal forms of abuse, especially if it’s challenged or the controlling person feels they’re losing their control.

In many relationships, it exists alongside physical violence right from the start, and this possibility should always be considered, even if the public face of the controlling person is charming and protective.

These are just some examples of controlling behaviours in a relationship that may or may not be present alongside other forms of abuse (e.g. physical or sexual).

Punishing you when they’re upset – This might include withholding affection, giving you the ‘cold shoulder’, yelling, or talking in a chilling tone if they don’t get their own way.

Checking up on you – Excessively texting or calling you, asking who you’re with and when you’ll be home when you’re out of the house.

Monitoring your activity – Tracking you with apps on your phone, putting surveillance technology on your car, devices or home without your permission and knowledge (stalking).

Isolating you from friends and family – Telling you who you can and can’t speak to, making friends and family uncomfortable when they visit, insisting they join you at social gatherings.

Overactive jealousy and accusations – Making it difficult for you to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex, questioning you about colleagues and assuming you’re having an affair, talking about your behaviour or way of dressing as flirtatious and calling you derogatory names.

Making you feel like you’re on eggshells – Overreacting to differences of opinion you might have, so you start to worry about what you should say and do in their presence.

Regulating your appearance – This could range from making comments such as “That’s a short dress” to outright telling you what you can and can’t wear or how to do your hair or makeup.

Making all the decisions for the household – This might include financial decisions, deciding whether you work or not, whether you can get pregnant or not, what hobbies and activities you can take part in, or insisting on their rules and standards for parenting.

Making you feel incompetent – They might want you to feel like you need them. They might criticise how you do things and take charge, telling you their decisions are for your own good and they know what’s best for you.

Restricting your autonomy – This might include restricting your access to money, transport, or the internet, or discouraging you from working or studying.

Playing pranks or intentionally upsetting you – Doing risky or dangerous activities with you (and/or children, if relevant) and then laughing at your fears.

Regulating your sexual relationship – Determining the type and frequency of sexual activity and calling you names, putting you down or hurting you if you say no.

Gaslighting – Twisting your words or manipulating a situation to get their own way, telling you you’re remembering things wrong and making you question your reality, or telling you you’re overreacting or being dramatic if you get upset by their behaviour.

 

Why do people use control in relationships?

There are many reasons why someone might assert power and control in their relationship, but a lot of the time, controlling behaviour is a result of fear or insecurity.

Rather than using communication and healthy coping skills, a perpetrator might try to control their partner to protect themselves from hurt or rejection. They only feel safe when they can control everything around them, and they lack the empathy to see that the needs of others may also be important.

Angela discusses some of the most common reasons a person may use controlling behaviours here:

Gendered core beliefs – In heterosexual relationships, the male perpetrator may hold what we call ‘gendered core beliefs’. These beliefs belittle women and see men as superior in physical strength and intellect. Men with these beliefs often think they have the right to control and make use of others in a self-serving manner.

A sense of entitlement – Feeling that they’re superior to others and deserve special treatment because of such things as race, gender, intellect, celebrity status, sporting ability, wealth, status in the political or business world, and cultural and religious beliefs. They feel that it’s their right to take or demand what they want and become angry if this is challenged.

A lack of empathy for the impact of their behaviour on their partner and family.

Protecting themselves from perceived threats – This might be a result of mental health issues or past traumatic experiences that resulted in PTSD or complex trauma.

Fear of losing the relationship – This can be due to previous experiences of difficult relationships, previous infidelity in parents or partner, or childhood abuse. They then lack the communication and healthy relationship skills needed to manage their concerns.

Unhealthy societal beliefs – They might believe in social myths such as ‘the right to have sexual needs met’, that ‘women/other genders can’t be trusted’, and that ‘if I feel someone is going to hurt me, I have a right to fight back in whatever way I can.’

Addiction – Some people use controlling or manipulative behaviours in their relationship to protect an addiction that has a hold on their life (e.g. alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn).

Inability to cope – Many perpetrators have a lack of healthy coping skills in managing anxiety, stress, or frustrations, and exerting control is a way to hold onto the lifestyle or people they view as belonging to them.

 

Impacts of Controlling Relationships on Survivors

Controlling behaviours can be intentional or unintentional, but either way they can have a devastating impact on the partner, children, and their relationships. Some of the impacts can include:

• Reduced self-esteem and confidence
• Feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, failure, and worthlessness
• Withdrawal from the people and things you used to enjoy
• Impacted or lost relationships with friends and family
• Impacted ability to parent and relationships with children
• Feeling like you’re constantly living in fear or ‘fight or flight’
• Becoming short-tempered and irritable with others
• Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, PTSD
• Physical health conditions such as poor immunity, illnesses, headaches, stomach aches, or changes in eating and sleeping.

 

Advice for People Experiencing Control in their Relationship

Angela offers a few tips for anyone feeling controlled by their partner.

Confide in someone you trust

Speaking to a trusted friend or family member is particularly important if you feel unsafe at times or worried for yourself or another member of your family.

Be aware that if you’re experiencing controlling behaviour, your children or other vulnerable members of your family (including elderly parents) are also exposed to this behaviour, and it will impact on their lives as well.

Consider acting early

Dealing with issues when you first notice them might not only improve your relationship, but may also help prevent the behaviour from becoming more frequent or severe and reduce the impact on your children’s development.

There may be certain situations where seeking professional help as soon as possible is the safest option.

Is your partner’s behaviour dangerous for you, your dependants, and your mental health? For example, do you and/or your children feel frightened and on eggshells around your partner?

Is your partner unpredictable? Do they have other issues with alcohol or substance abuse, or significant gambling issues?

Does your partner suggest that you have mental health issues, or twist your words to make you question your reality?

If these things are happening, Angela strongly advises you seek counselling or talk a domestic violence service as soon as possible. There are many different support options available, including websites, helplines, and online counselling.

Get support if you plan to separate

If you plan to separate, be prepared with good supports and a safety plan, as well as professional counselling or legal support, or consider the possibility of a Domestic Violence Order.

Be aware that if you’ve protected your children from the worst effects, they may be surprised when you choose to separate. A controlling person can use this against you, so it’s important to prepare your children for separation to help them process these big changes.

It’s also important to remember that controlling behaviour may not stop if you separate – it can even become more severe in different forms. For example, stalking, harassment through your children, trying to turn your children against you, and ongoing family court battles are some of the common controlling behaviours partners can use when their victim decides to leave. This is why it’s so important to get help even if you’re in the early stages of thinking about separating.

Seek professional help

Counselling or therapy can help you get a better understanding of what’s happening. Counselling can be a particularly helpful option to find solutions for your relationship if the control doesn’t cause you fear.

It can help you explore if relationship counselling may be appropriate, or if encouraging  your partner to get counselling or attend a men’s behaviour change group may be useful (if relevant).

If you or someone you know is living with a controlling or abusive partner, help is available.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Relationships can be challenging. But they can be even more difficult if you’re (unintentionally) being emotionally abusive or have picked up some unhealthy habits – possibly from childhood – without realising it.

Catching these behaviours early is important if you want to have a healthy, positive relationship and avoid hurting your partner further.

There’s been a spotlight on emotional abuse and coercive control over recent years, and this has increased with the Queensland government’s recent announcement to criminalise coercive control by the end of 2023.

But what exactly counts as emotional abuse and/or coercive control?

We explore some of these behaviours to help you better understand these dangerous forms of abuse.

If you recognise these behaviours in yourself, you might like to consider seeing a counsellor to help you make changes and address any underlying issues that might be contributing.

 

You guilt your partner for spending time with others

A healthy relationship requires each individual to maintain their own lives, friends, interests, and connections outside of the relationship.

Guilting your partner for spending time with others or trying to control who they spend time with or talk to is emotional abuse.

 

You keep tabs on where your partner is and who they’re with

Do you check in on your partner with excessive texts and calls when you’re apart? Do you constantly ask what they’re doing and who they’re with?

Jealousy and insecurity in a relationship can lead to controlling behaviours such as keeping tabs on your partner and wanting to reduce their contact with the outside world.

 

You check their messages or emails without permission

People often go through their partner’s phone because they’re worried about what secrets they might be hiding.

But reading your partner’s texts, emails, or call log only perpetuates more secretive behaviour in the relationship.

This is a violation of privacy and may be an indication of trust issues.

 

You dismiss your partner’s feelings

In a healthy relationship, both people’s feelings and needs are considered equally important.

Not allowing your partner to speak in arguments, trivialising the things that are important to them, ignoring their needs, invalidating their concerns, and dismissing their feelings as “dramatic” are all forms of emotional abuse.

 

You’re critical of your partner, even as a “joke”

This might include belittling your partner’s accomplishments or interests, making sarcastic jokes about their looks or behaviour, calling them names, putting them down, and insulting them. You might even do this as a “joke” around friends to embarrass them.

While some couples have a playful dynamic that involves some harmless teasing, there’s a big difference between banter and abuse.

Are you helping to build your partner’s self-esteem, or are you harming it?

 

You comment on your partner’s clothing and/or appearance

Everyone has the right to wear what they like and present themselves as they like.

For decades, we’ve seen the “You’re not going out wearing that, are you?” trope on TV – generally between a man and his female partner when she’s wearing a short or figure-hugging outfit.

This is a way to assert control and is often because he’s insecure and worried about the attention she’ll get.

It’s never OK to tell someone what they can and can’t wear, what hairstyle they should have, what they should do with their body hair, or whether they should lose weight – no matter their gender.

 

You “punish” your partner

This might involve giving them the “silent treatment” or withholding affection until you get your way.

While the silent treatment can simply be a sign of poor communication skills, it can also be a manipulation tactic in emotionally abusive relationships.

These kinds of emotional and psychological punishments can be used to pressure someone to change their behaviour, and it can also make them feel like your love is conditional.

 

You make all the decisions

It’s not uncommon for relationships to have a dynamic where one person “wears the pants” if that’s what works for both people. But each partner must at least consider their spouse when making decisions.

In a healthy relationship, the decisions are made equally and mutually with respect to both parties.

Disregarding your partner’s input and preferences or refusing to compromise are forms of emotional abuse.

 

You “play nice” in public

Do you treat your partner differently around friends and family than you do when you’re alone?

You might portray yourself as charming, kind, and caring when in public, yet disrespectful, uncaring, and unkind behind closed doors.

If you’d be embarrassed or ashamed for your loved ones to see how you treat your partner in private, it could be a red flag for abuse.

 

Where to get help

These are just some of the ways emotional abuse can be used in a relationship.

If these behaviours sound familiar, the good news is you can change.

Identifying these unhealthy patterns in yourself is the first step to having healthier interactions and a better connection with your partner.

Our counsellors can help you identify and address any underlying issues within yourself that may contribute to these patterns and dynamics.

Counselling appointments can be booked by calling 1300 364 277.

People experiencing emotional abuse often don’t realise they’re in an abusive relationship. Learning more about these behaviours can help validate their experience and empower them to make change.

You can learn more about emotional abuse in our blog post What’s an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?