1300 364 277
Quick Exit
This button appears across the site. Press this button to exit the site immediately to nondescript link
Click to close or press

Category: Domestic & Family Violence

Domestic Violence Cycle

Posted on by admin

Domestic and family abuse is often described as something that happens in a pattern or cycle.

The domestic violence cycle of abuse proposed by psychologist Lenore Walker in the 1970s is still commonly referred to by professionals today.

This cycle involves four stages:

  1. Tensions building
  2. Incident of abuse
  3. Reconciliation
  4. Calm.

This domestic violence cycle helps to illustrate common patterns of abusive behaviour in relationships.

We understand that everyone’s experience with domestic and family abuse is different, but this blog post will explore this particular domestic violence cycle and its four stages.

 

1. Building Tension

Things are starting to feel tense, and the victim is walking on eggshells in anticipation of an outburst.

The abuser is moody and withdraws affection. They become angry and swear, yell, insult and criticise the victim.

The victim tries to keep the abuser calm and prevent abuse by being agreeable and nurturing, and they may make efforts to keep children quiet and out of the way (if applicable).

 

2. An Incident of Abuse

An outburst of abuse erupts as the abuser releases this built-up tension on others in an attempt to gain control. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse.

Abuse might involve:

  • Physical or sexual violence
  • Insults or name-calling
  • Withholding money
  • Property destruction
  • Emotional manipulation
  • Threats of harm to victim, kids or pets
  • Controlling the victim’s behaviour (e.g. not allowing them to see friends).

We explore the different types of domestic violence in this blog post.

 

3. Reconciliation

This is where the abuser apologises and begs forgiveness. They often make promises that they’ll change and the behaviour will never happen again.

This is also known as the ‘honeymoon’ stage or ‘love bombing’, as the abuser will generally shower the victim with gifts and affection.

 

4. Calm

The event is ‘forgotten’ and the abuser and victim find some kind of justification for the abuse in order to keep the peace.

The abuser may give excuses for the abuse or place the blame on the victim, or deny the abuse was as bad as the victim claims. The victim might start questioning whether it was in fact as bad as they thought and start to doubt their recollection of events.

The victim may think whatever triggered the abuse has passed and it would never happen again.

If you or someone you know is living with domestic and family violence, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

Discover some of the common signs and triggers of domestic and family violence in our blog post Where Does Domestic Violence Start?.

 

 

Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Types of Domestic Violence

Posted on by admin

Domestic and family violence comes in many forms. While every domestically violent relationship is based on power and control by the abuser, how this power and control is exerted can vary.

Many people picture physical hitting and visible bruises when they think of domestic violence. But it’s important to remember that not all domestic and family abuse is physical or easily identifiable, and all types of abuse are seriously dangerous and damaging to the survivor.

Some of the most common types of domestic violence include:

  • Physical abuse
  • Sexual abuse
  • Emotional and psychological abuse
  • Financial abuse
  • Technological abuse
  • Harassment or stalking.

Here are some examples of how these different types of domestic violence might look in an abusive relationship.

 

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse in a relationship often starts gradually, such as with pushing or grabbing, and then becomes progressively worse over time.

  • Hitting, punching, pushing, grabbing, kicking, shaking, biting, choking, or spitting on someone
  • Using weapons or objects to inflict pain (e.g. knives, belts, hot water, household objects)
  • Force-feeding
  • Withholding food, medicine, hand sanitiser and other necessary items

 

Sexual Abuse

It’s important to remember that sexual abuse doesn’t only include rape and touching; there are other nonphysical behaviours that are considered sexual abuse or harassment.

  • Touching or kissing someone without their consent
  • Forcing or pressuring someone to perform sexual acts or have sexual acts performed on them
  • Sexual assault using objects
  • Forcing someone to watch pornography
  • Filming someone involved in sexual acts without their consent
  • Criticising someone sexually
  • Using sex-related insults (e.g. “slut”)
  • Making unwanted sexual comments, suggestions, advances, or threats to another person
  • Forcing someone to undress or forcefully undressing them

 

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can be harder to spot than some other forms of abuse, but just as damaging to the victim.

  • Controlling what someone can do or say (e.g. how they dress)
  • Controlling who someone can and can’t speak to or see
  • Insulting or belittling someone
  • Using disrespectful language (e.g. swearing)
  • Being overly jealous and possessive
  • Constantly accusing someone of cheating
  • Yelling at someone
  • Treating someone like a servant
  • Comparing someone to others to damage their self-esteem
  • Blaming someone for all the problems in a relationship
  • Leaving nasty messages (e.g. texts, voicemail, Facebook)
  • Constantly criticising and correcting someone
  • Not allowing someone to voice their opinion
  • Not listening to someone’s needs
  • Threatening to harm someone, their children, property, or pet

Coercive control sits under this category, where manipulation and intimidation are used to create fear and dependency in a person.

 

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse often happens alongside other types of domestic violence, such as physical or emotional abuse.

  • Controlling how someone can spend their money
  • Stopping someone from accessing money or benefits
  • Demanding money from someone or taking their belongings
  • Forbidding someone from working or studying
  • Limiting the amount of petrol in the car

 

Technological Abuse

In this day and age, technological abuse is getting more common.

  • Using a phone or other technology to control or embarrass someone
  • Monitoring someone’s communication without them knowing
  • Controlling someone’s use of technology (e.g. isolating them from friends/family)

 

Harassment or Stalking

Whether in a relationship or not, these behaviours are considered harassment or stalking and are forms of domestic abuse.

  • Demanding to know where someone is and who they’re with at all times
  • Watching, following or monitoring someone
  • Monitoring someone’s personal information (e.g. texts, social media, emails, phone bills)
  • Harassing someone via internet or phone (e.g. constant calls, texts, emails)
  • Tracking someone via GPS devices and spyware

 

These are just some of the types of domestic violence. If something doesn’t feel right and you don’t feel safe in your relationship, it could be abuse.

If you or someone you know is living with domestic and family violence, help is available. You can call us on 1300 364 277 for guidance finding the right support for you, or learn about our Domestic and Family Violence Prevention service here.

We explore the effects of domestic violence in this blog post.

 

Other Support Services

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Dealing with Domestic Violence During the Coronavirus

Posted on by admin

For many, self-isolation is an inconvenience. But for survivors of domestic abuse, it’s a nightmare.

Domestic and family violence rates have risen around the world since the coronavirus lockdown.

Social distancing restrictions have left many survivors of domestic abuse stuck inside with their abuser – all day, every day. Survivors may be isolated from their support networks, and they may be finding it difficult to access support while in such close quarters with their abuser.

Stressful events like the coronavirus pandemic can exacerbate existing family violence. Perpetrators may use the coronavirus and related issues (e.g. financial strain) as an excuse to be abusive. But no matter what’s happening in the world, there’s never an excuse for domestic and family abuse.

We talked to Relationships Australia QLD Regional Manager Helen Poynten, and Clinical Supervisor Patricia Holden, for some advice for coping in an abusive relationship.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

What does domestic violence look like?

Not all domestic violence involves physical hitting. Not all abuse leaves a visible bruise or mark. Domestic and family violence can happen to anyone – children and adults, women and men – and comes in many forms.

“Signs that you might be experiencing domestic violence are not always as obvious as you might think,” Helen explains. “That’s because domestic abuse is about controlling someone’s mind and emotions as much as hurting their body. Being abused can leave you scared and confused. It can be hard for you to see your partner’s actions for what they really are.”

“Usually, physical abuse isn’t what comes first. The abuse can creep up slowly. A putdown here or there. An odd excuse to keep you away from family or friends. The violence often ramps up once you’ve been cut off from other people. By then, you feel trapped. Know that there is always help available.”

These are just some of the ways survivors might experience abuse during the coronavirus lockdown and every day.

Physical Abuse

  • Hitting, punching, pushing, shaking, biting, choking, or spitting on someone
  • Using weapons or items to hurt someone (e.g. knives, guns, household objects)
  • Withholding items like food, medicine, hand wash, hand sanitiser, and disinfectants

Sexual Abuse

  • Touching or kissing someone without their consent
  • Forcing or pressuring someone to perform sexual acts or have sexual acts performed on them

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

  • Controlling what someone can do or say (e.g. what they can wear, where they can go)
  • Controlling who someone can and can’t speak to or see
  • Using news and/or misinformation about COVID-19 to control or frighten someone
  • Putting someone down or calling them names
  • Using disrespectful language (e.g. swearing)
  • Yelling or screaming at someone
  • Treating someone like a servant
  • Comparing someone to others to damage their self-esteem
  • Blaming someone for all the problems in a relationship
  • Threatening to harm someone, their children, property, or pet

Financial Abuse

  • Controlling how someone spends their money
  • Stopping someone from accessing money or benefits
  • Demanding money from someone or taking their belongings
  • Forbidding someone from working or studying
  • Limiting the amount of petrol in the car

Technological Abuse

  • Using a phone or other technology to control or embarrass someone
  • Monitoring someone’s communication without them knowing
  • Controlling someone’s use of technology (e.g. isolating them from friends/family)

Harassment or Stalking

  • Demanding to know where someone is at all times
  • Watching, following or monitoring someone
  • Going through someone’s personal information (e.g. texts, social media, emails, phone bills)
  • Harassing someone over the internet or phone (e.g. repeated calls, texts, emails)
  • Tracking someone’s movements through GPS devices and spyware

If you’re not sure whether you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you might like to speak to a trusted friend or family member.

“Trust your gut instinct,” Helen says. “If something is starting to feel weird and you’re not feeling safe in your home, reach out to a trusted friend/family member. Sometimes just checking your experiences with someone else can help you sort out how you feel about your situation and if you are experiencing a form of domestic violence.”

You can learn more about the types of domestic and family abuse here.

 

Creating a Safety Plan

If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, you might like to consider coming up with a safety plan in case you need to leave the environment.

“It’s good to have a plan that lists what you will do, how you will do it, where you will go, who’s involved, and what you need,” Helen explains. “It usually involves having an emergency bag if you need to leave quickly.”

Your emergency bag might include essential items such as:

  • Contact numbers
  • Cash
  • Keys
  • Medications
  • Basic clothing
  • Copies of important documents (e.g. passport, licence, Medicare card).

“Think of it as like a fire safety plan,” says Patricia. “It’s important to plan ahead in case something happens. Practice in your head how you might do it.”

Patricia suggests including an exit strategy such as putting the bins out and continuing away from the home to your agreed place of exit, e.g. the police station or a friend’s place.

If there are children in the home, you can include them in the plan – depending on their age and understanding of what’s happening. It’s really important for everyone’s safety that you seek support to determine when children can and can’t be included.

“It’s good to chat with someone – like a Relationships Australia QLD counsellor or DVConnect – to figure out if children need to be included,” says Patricia. “You don’t want to put yourself or your children at risk if they feel pressured to tell everything to the perpetrator.”

If you need support with a safety plan, contact Relationships Australia QLD on 1300 364 277.

You can learn more about safety planning with this helpful safety planning checklist from 1800RESPECT.

 

Where to Find Support

“Ask for help,” says Helen. “There are services available 24 /7 that are here if you need help. Please don’t feel ashamed of what’s happening to you. Know you are not causing the abuse you are experiencing. Violence is never excusable. Not now, not ever.”

Patricia adds, “Don’t underestimate the importance of just keeping in touch with your friends and family. You never know when you might need support, or be a support to others.”

Helen recommends being inventive with your friends to find different ways to get support if you’re feeling unsafe.

Here is an example of a post on Facebook:

To talk to a telephone counsellor, you can call us on 1300 364 277 Monday-Friday between 8am-8pm and Saturday between 10am-4pm.

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

What is Gaslighting?

Posted on by admin

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular in recent years, but this behaviour has been common among abusers for centuries.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse used to manipulate and control the victim. It can be so subtle the victim might not even realise it’s happening. But as sneaky as it can be, gaslighting can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Learn more about this toxic tactic and how to spot it in your relationships.

 

What does ‘gaslighting’ mean?

The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, and the 1944 film adaptation of the play, Gaslight. In this story, a husband tricks his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

He does this by making her think she’s hearing things that aren’t there, and dimming and brightening their gas-fuelled lights and telling her she’s hallucinating.

Today, we recognise gaslighting as a form of emotional or psychological abuse that involves manipulation, lies, denial and blame to make someone question their perception of reality or their memory. It’s almost like a type of brainwashing that makes the victim feel confused and start to second-guess their own judgement.

 

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be hard to pick up on, especially if you’ve been experiencing it for a long time. In an intimate relationship, the gaslighter generally uses these tactics to control their partner and/or to get away with certain behaviours.

Here are some common examples of gaslighting:

  • Your partner tells you they’ll be home by 6pm. When they get home at 10pm, you ask why they’re late as you were expecting them at 6pm. They deny having ever told you they’d be home at 6pm, saying you made it up or questioning your memory: “You never remember things correctly!”
  • Your partner makes a nasty comment about your weight. When you get upset, they say you’re being too sensitive or overreacting, or you can’t take a joke. They might even counter by saying something like: “You know I love your body.”
  • Your partner leaves the room to answer their phone. You overhear them flirting and making plans with someone. When you confront them about it, they lie and say it was just their mum, and you’re jealous and crazy.

These are just some examples of how a partner might use gaslighting to make someone doubt themselves and get what they want.

If you’re experiencing or using manipulative or controlling behaviours in your relationship, it might help to speak to a professional counsellor. RAQ’s tertiary qualified counsellors can help you explore your concerns and consider your options in a supportive and non-judgemental environment.

Call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone or via Zoom videocall.

Support for Domestic and Family Violence

Posted on by admin

Support is available for those affected by domestic and family violence.

Domestic and family violence is a complex and pervasive issue. It is never acceptable. Everyone deserves to feel safe in public and at home.

It is important to understand that the signs are not always obvious. Domestic and family violence is not always physical and can take many forms, including emotional, sexual, financial, social, spiritual, verbal, psychological or technology-based abuse.

You can find more information about domestic and family violence and different forms of abuse online at www.qld.gov.au/dfvsupport.

It is everyone’s responsibility to address this form of violence in our communities and work together to keep Queenslanders safe. If something doesn’t seem right, your support and action can make a difference. If you think you or someone you know may be experiencing domestic and family violence, reach out for support.

In an emergency, call Triple Zero (000) and ask for Police.

Call DVConnect for free, confidential crisis support.

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811 (24/7)

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636 (7 days, 9am to midnight)

The Problem with Power in Relationships

Posted on by admin

Do you feel like you’re stepping on eggshells with your partner? Do they ‘keep score’ and hold things against you to get their way?

Power exists in every relationship, whether it’s with your partner, a family member, friend, or even a colleague. A healthy relationship is based on equality and respect. It’s not uncommon for one person to take the lead while the other is more flexible, but this can become a problem when abused.

When one person has control in the relationship, or the ‘upper hand’, this can lead to unhealthy and toxic behaviours. It can make one partner feel scared of the other and damage their self-esteem. It can be a form of domestic abuse.

We look at the signs of an unhealthy power dynamic to help you spot when things are one-sided.

 

Types of Power in a Relationship

Two common relationship dynamics that play with power are the demand/withdraw and distancer/pursuer dynamics.

The demand/withdraw dynamic involves one partner (the demander) wanting to talk about problems and find a solution, while the other partner (the withdrawer) withdraws, shuts down, and avoids the problems.

The distancer/pursuer dynamic involves one partner (the pursuer) seeking to increase intimacy and closeness, while the other partner (the distancer) pulls away and becomes cold.

Research from The Gottman Institute shows that partners who get stuck in the distancer/pursuer pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four or five years. 

These are just two examples of power imbalance in a relationship. Power and control can be used in relationships in many other ways – big and small, subconsciously and intentionally.

 

Signs of Power Imbalance in a Relationship

These are just some of the common signs of inequality in a relationship.

  • One partner never compromises – No two people are always going to agree on everything. Compromise or ‘meeting in the middle’ is key to ensure both people’s needs are met. If one partner is all take and no give, they’re holding all the power.
  • One partner doesn’t listen to the other – Communication is important in every relationship – whether romantic or not. If one partner refuses to listen to the other and take their ideas and feelings on board, it can be a sign of disrespect and selfishness.
  • One partner always takes the lead – Many relationships have an ‘alpha’ or the person who ‘wears the pants’. While this can be healthy and work well for some, it can be damaging for others if the dominant partner is abusing this role to fulfil their own selfish needs.
  • One partner’s love is conditional – Love shouldn’t be a reward for doing what your partner wants you to. It can be a clear sign of power imbalance when a partner withholds their love and affection until they get their way.
  • One partner holds grudges or keeps score – Some people can’t let things go. Even if they’re over it, they might take joy in constantly bringing up their partner’s past mistakes as a way to punish them and make themselves feel superior. This is an easy way for them to exert power and control.

Do any of these signs sound familiar to you or someone you know? Counselling can be helpful for individuals and couples trying to navigate power struggles. You can learn about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book.

What to do if You Think Your Friend is in an Abusive Relationship

Posted on by admin

Worried a friend or someone you know is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, but not sure what to do?

Whether you suspect the abuse is physical, emotional, financial or other, it can be hard to know how to support someone in this situation.

Learn some of the signs that might indicate your friend is in an abusive relationship, and how you can help.

 

Know the signs of abuse

There are many different types of domestic and family abuse, and some of them can be harder to spot than others. Not all abuse involves hitting or can be identified by bruises or physical wounds.

Some less obvious warning signs your friend is in an abusive relationship might include:

  • They’re noticeably less confident
  • They’re always strapped for cash
  • Their social media presence changes
  • They’re always distracted or preoccupied
  • Their other relationships start breaking down
  • They avoid talking about their partner and relationship
  • They seem nervous or on eggshells around their partner
  • They often appear tired or as though they’ve been crying
  • Their partner is always texting or calling when they’re apart
  • Their clothing and/or grooming habits have changed significantly
  • Their behaviour and/or body language changes around their partner
  • Their partner puts them down or insults them, even in a ‘joking’ way
  • They’re withdrawn, less responsive, and less social than they used to be
  • They wear longer clothing in warm weather (may be a way to hide wounds).

 

Ask how things are going

Find an appropriate time to ask how they are when you’re alone together in a private setting. You might like to bring it up after some initial casual chat to ease into the conversation. Remain calm as you voice your concern. You want them to feel comfortable talking openly with you, so avoid coming off as panicked, preachy, or judgemental.

If you’ve noticed any signs of abuse, gently mention these specific behaviours. For example, “I’ve noticed your partner checks in on you a lot with texts and calls. How do you feel about that?” Your friend might not even recognise that what they’re experiencing is abuse, so by focusing on specifics, your friend may be able to understand for themselves what they think is appropriate and healthy in a relationship.

Respect their boundaries and don’t probe for information if they’re not comfortable sharing. Remember that it’s likely very hard for them to talk about.

 

Tell them you’re there for them

Let your friend know that they’re not alone and you want to help in any way they need. Provide them with a safe and supportive space to talk about what they’re going through, and listen with empathy and without judgement or blame.

Gently offer other ways you can support them, such as helping them come up with a safety plan and giving them a place to stay if they need it. Some people use social media creatively to provide support in a discreet way. For example:

 

Don’t pressure them to make a decision

No one likes to see someone they care about in an unhealthy, dangerous or damaging situation. But the last thing you want to do is tell your friend to ‘just break up’ with their partner. This pressure can make them feel even worse during an already difficult time, and may prevent them from opening up to you again.

Unhealthy and abusive relationships are complicated, and leaving an abusive partner can be risky. Allow your friend to make their own decision in their own time, and let them know you’ll stand by them no matter what.

 

Offer resources

There are many support services and resources available for people experiencing domestic and family abuse. It might be helpful to pass some relevant contact details on in case they’re ever needed, or ask your friend if they need help finding support. Depending on their situation at home, they may not have access to research support services.

There is still hope for some unhealthy relationships. If your friend is unsure whether their relationship is unhealthy or abusive, they don’t need to have the answers. RAQ’s trained counsellors can help individuals and couples work through their relationship concerns. Counselling appointments can be booked by calling 1300 364 277.

Some other helpful resources include:

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DV Connect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DV Connect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

 

Check in on them

If your friend tells you about abuse at home, or you suspect they’re in an unhealthy relationship, be sure to maintain contact with them and check in on them regularly.

While you can’t fix the situation or control the outcome, you can be there for them and provide support when they need it.

You can learn more about the effects of domestic violence here.

What is Financial Abuse?

Posted on by admin

When you think of domestic and family abuse, chances are verbal abuse and physical violence come to mind. But financial abuse can be just as damaging, taking away people’s independence and leaving them feeling vulnerable, isolated, and depressed.

Research shows nearly 16% of women and over 7% of men in Australia have experienced financial abuse in their lifetime. It’s the most commonly reported form of abuse of older adults.

But financial abuse can happen to anyone. The abuser might be a partner, family member, friend, or caregiver. Financial abuse and control might be used alongside other forms of domestic and family violence to keep a survivor trapped in an unhealthy relationship, but it can also be present without these other behaviours.

This hidden and often misunderstood form of abuse can take many forms. Learn how to recognise the signs of financial abuse and how you can protect yourself and others.

 

Signs of Financial Abuse

Financial abuse includes any situation where someone that you trust takes away your access to money, manipulates your financial decisions, or uses your money or assets without your consent.

Tactics used might include:

  • Taking control of someone else’s money (e.g. being in charge of all the household income and paying the other person an allowance)
  • Controlling how money is spent
  • Withholding money from someone
  • Taking money or credit cards from someone without their permission
  • Selling someone’s assets without their permission
  • Forging someone’s signature on financial documents
  • Forcing or pressuring someone to change their Will
  • Threatening or punishing someone for how they spend their money
  • Withholding someone’s financial statement or bank account details from them
  • Taking out a loan, credit card, or bank account in someone else’s name
  • Ruining someone else’s credit
  • Refusing to contribute to shared living costs
  • Refusing to repay money they’ve borrowed
  • Preventing someone from getting a job or going to work
  • Preventing someone from studying.

These are just some financially abusive behaviours. Financial abuse can be harder to spot than some other forms of domestic and family violence.

The person causing the abuse might use subtle tactics like manipulation, and not even recognise that their actions or behaviours are abusive. Others might be more overt, using intimidation, demands, and threats.

 

How to Get Help for Financial Abuse

If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, free and confidential help is available.

RAQ provides counselling and other support services for anyone experiencing financial abuse or any other concerns in their relationship, family, or other aspect of their personal life.

We also offer our Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) to older persons who might be at risk of financial abuse. The SFPS provides support through referrals to those already impacted by financial abuse, and in some instances, offers financial case management.

You can call our client contact centre on 1300 364 277 to discuss which of our services can best support you.

Please note we are not a crisis service. If you need urgent help, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Posted on by admin

Domestic and family violence has a significant impact on the health and wellbeing of survivors and witnesses.

The effects of domestic violence go beyond physical marks and injuries. The mental and emotional consequences can endure long after bruises have healed, and even after the abusive relationship has ended.

Every form of domestic and family violence can have considerable immediate and long-lasting impacts. Physical, psychological, sexual, financial, and all other types of abuse can be just as damaging to the health and wellbeing of survivors and witnesses.

While the impacts of domestic violence vary widely from person to person, these are some of the common effects of domestic violence.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

 

Physical Effects of Domestic Violence

Physical abuse such as hitting can lead to injuries and marks, but it can also have indirect impacts on survivors’ physical health. Even domestic abuse that doesn’t involve physical violence can lead to serious physical health issues for survivors.

Some physical impacts of domestic abuse might include:

  • Bruises
  • Scratches or cuts
  • Red or purple marks at the neck
  • Sprained or broken wrists/other bones
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Shortness of breath
  • Fainting
  • Headaches
  • Muscle tension
  • Involuntary shaking
  • Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Menstrual cycle or fertility issues (in women).

 

Mental and Emotional Effects of Domestic Violence

The trauma of domestic and family violence can result in ongoing mental and emotional impacts for survivors. These mental and emotional effects can last long after the abuse ends and can impact subsequent relationships.

Research shows survivors of domestic abuse are three times more likely to suffer from mental illness such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder.

Mental and emotional impacts of domestic violence might include:

  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts
  • Depression, including prolonged sadness
  • Anxiety and stress
  • Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts
  • Shame and embarrassment
  • Increased likelihood of alcohol and drug misuse
  • Hopelessness about the present and the future
  • Inability to trust in other relationships.

 

Effects on Children Who Witness Domestic Violence

Exposure to domestic and family violence can have long-lasting, challenging impacts on a child, even if they haven’t experienced the violence firsthand. These effects might include:

  • Anxiety and stress
  • Depression
  • Fearfulness
  • Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
  • Headaches
  • Fainting
  • Inability to trust
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Relationship problems
  • Academic problems
  • Reckless behaviours (e.g. drug and alcohol misuse).

Children who witness violence between parents/caretakers may also be at greater risk of using violence in their future relationships.

 

You can learn more about the types of domestic and family violence, how to create a safety plan, and where to find help here.

RAQ offers a range of counselling and support services for people affected by domestic and family violence and those who use power and control within their families. Learn more about these services and how to access them here.

 

Support Contacts

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811

DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636

Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120

Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

What’s an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Posted on by admin

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner? Do they make you feel like you never measure up? Do you feel confused, controlled, or even scared in your relationship? You could be experiencing emotional abuse.

While physical abuse is generally easy to identify, it can be harder to recognise when you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. But does that mean emotional abuse isn’t as serious or dangerous as physical abuse? No.

“That’s a little bit like asking ‘Is it more harmful to put your hand in the fire or in a saucepan of cold water and bring it to the boil slowly’?” Relationship Counsellor Shirley Hussie explains.

“Both physical and emotional abuse have the potential to be harmful to one’s physical, psychological, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. The problem with emotional abuse is that because there are no physical signs or obvious marks caused by the abuse, the person being abused often minimises the behaviour because they believe it’s their fault,” she states.

“Emotional abuse often occurs for many years before the person being abused recognises it for what it is and that what is happening is not OK.”

We asked Shirley to share some warning signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, and her advice for someone in this situation.

 

Types of Emotional Abuse

Someone might use emotionally abusive behaviours in an attempt to intimidate, manipulate, and control their partner, and make them question their self-worth.

“The person doing the abusing has developed subtle and insidious ways to ensure they have control,” says Shirley.

“When you are feeling worthless and confused, the abuser feels powerful and in control.  They will do their best to convince you that no one else will love you the way they do, for you are fundamentally flawed.”

Emotional abuse comes in many forms, including:

  • Trivialising things that are important to you, like your interests, passions, or concerns. They may act like nothing that is important to you is as important as what’s important to them.
  • Being treated like a child and not taken seriously.
  • Verbal abuse, e.g. belittling your accomplishments, making sarcastic jokes about your looks or behaviour, name calling, put-downs and insults.
  • Being ‘shut down’ when trying to communicate. This can include physical gestures such as hand raising, or simply walking away and ignoring you.
  • Dehumanising behaviours such as not looking at you when you’re having a conversation.
  • Lecturing you and not listening to what you have to say when you make a bid for connection and attempt to make conversation.
  • Judging and criticising your life, your work, your family and friends, the way you do things, your appearance, and so on.
  • Changing behaviours when in public. They might portray themselves as charming, kind and caring when in public, yet disrespectful, uncaring, and unkind when behind closed doors.
  • Jealous behaviour, e.g. not wanting you to spent time with friends or family or not wanting you to spend time doing the things you enjoy. This behaviour can appear as romantic in the beginning with your partner saying that they would rather the two of you just be together. But this is a common manipulation technique used to eventually isolate you from as many people as possible.
  • Feeling pressured into having sex or feeling manipulated into performing sexual acts you are not comfortable with.
  • Feeling pressured into using drugs or alcohol when you have said you do not wish to partake.
  • Monitoring your whereabouts and constantly checking in/keeping tabs with messages and phone calls when you’re apart.
  • Checking your phone and deleting messages or contacts, e.g. deleting Facebook friends.
  • Being blamed for your partner’s problems and being told that everything that is wrong with the relationship or in their life is your fault.

These are just some of the types of emotional abuse, and they can happen to people of all ages and genders.

“I have worked with many people from all different walks of life who have shared their story of being emotionally abused. It can happen to anyone,” says Shirley.

 

Signs of Emotional Abuse

As an experienced relationship counsellor, Shirley has worked with many people living with emotional abuse. She states that often, clients on the receiving end of emotional abuse aren’t aware that this is what they’re experiencing.

“They often identify as feeling ‘emotionally beaten’, but think it is normal behaviour,” she explains.

Some of the common signs that you might be experiencing emotional abuse include:

  • Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner. You might feel like you have to be on high alert and think about your every step. You might feel stressed, unable to relax, and unable to be yourself.
  • Feeling like you’ve ‘lost yourself’ in the relationship.
  • Feeling like nothing you do is good enough for your partner.
  • Feeling unworthy and bad about yourself, lacking confidence, feeling guilty, and feeling inferior compared to your partner.
  • Constantly questioning your own behaviour and second-guessing yourself. The technical term for this is gas lighting. For example, your partner might deny things they have said or done or deny that an argument even took place. Over time, this can leave you questioning your own sanity.
  • Making attempts to speak with your partner about your hurt feelings and being accused of overreacting and being dramatic.
  • Confusion is a big one. You are loved by this person, and you love them, yet you are being abused by them.

“The person doing the abusing does not want you to think clearly,” Shirley explains. “They want you to stay confused, they want you to second-guess yourself. That way, they continue to have control, and the relationship works for them.”

 

Advice for Anyone Experiencing Emotional Abuse

So what can you do if you’re living with an emotionally abusive partner?

Shirley recommends getting some space from your partner if you can.

“Find a way to take a break from the toxic environment so you can begin to think clearly,” she advises. “When you are around the toxicity and in the muddy waters, you cannot make clear decisions.”

Shirley suggests accepting that you can’t make your partner change their behaviours, but you can take responsibility for how you respond.

“Decide to take responsibility for your own life and stop waiting for the abuser to change. The likelihood they will is very slim or more often than not, non-existent,” she says.

“Find the courage to take the steps to take control of your life and say enough is enough.  Know and trust that you are worthy and you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. Learn to set firm boundaries and know what is and is not acceptable, and make it clear to anyone who crosses those boundary that you will no longer tolerate that behaviour.”

“Learn to love, accept, and respect yourself, and to have compassion for yourself so that you will no longer allow others to disrespect you and treat you in a way that is not aligned with your own values.    You are lovable and you are enough. Put yourself to the top of the priority list – you are worth it.”

Counselling can also be an effective option. Shirley recommends seeking the support of a therapist or counsellor who has experience working in this area.

 

If you’re having a hard time in your relationship and need someone to talk to, you can call us on 1300 364 277 to book individual and/or couples counselling.

If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.

Read about the signs of a controlling relationship and get more professional advice in this article. Or discover our relationship services, courses, FAQs, and advice here.