Category: Family & Parenting

Grandparent alienation is when grandparents are unreasonably denied the opportunity to see and communicate with their grandchildren.

The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is irreplaceable – understandably, it hurts when you’re prevented from seeing or talking to them. A rocky relationship with your adult child or whoever is causing the alienation can add to the distress.

In this article, we share advice on what you can do if you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and briefly discuss grandparent rights in Queensland.

Behaviours of grandparent alienation

Sustained grandparent alienation is a form of elder abuse. Adult children are usually the perpetrators of grandparent alienation.

Behaviours of grandparent alienation include:

• Banning communication
• Preventing spending time together
• Leaving grandparents out of family events
• Threatening to cut contact with grandchildren
• Controlling or limiting contact with grandchildren
• Restricting important information regarding grandchildren
• Talking poorly about the grandparents in front of grandchildren
• Intentionally making it difficult for grandparents to see grandchildren
• Only allowing spending time together under the guise of childminding
• Withholding access to grandchildren unless financial support is provided
• Using contact with the grandchildren as a bargaining tool for financial support
• Withholding contact and visits unless the grandparents provide support (this is called coercive control).

It’s important to consider that not all situations point to grandparent alienation. For example, parents seeking a period of alone time with a newborn baby is a special circumstance – it doesn’t necessarily indicate that they’re intentionally separating you from your grandchild.

What to do when you’re experiencing grandparent alienation

This form of elder abuse can be distressing, and you might feel like you don’t know what to do.

Every situation is different. But moving forward is possible, even when it may not seem like it.

Your conflict resolution plan may include:

Making amends on your own

Usually, people prefer to come to an agreement themselves before seeking professional or legal intervention.

An open, honest conversation can have a huge impact. Establish a safe time and place to have this talk. Honesty, empathy, active listening, taking accountability, and a willingness to compromise are building blocks of effective communication.

We share more advice on resolving conflict with your adult child here.

Leaving the grandchildren out of it

Though grandparent alienation directly concerns your grandchildren, it’s best not to get them caught up in this disagreement.

We recommend avoiding criticising or talking badly about the parents to your grandchildren.

Attending family mediation

Mediation is a professionally guided meeting that allows families to resolve conflict and agree upon a solution to move forward together. Mediation is a safe space that encourages healthy communication.

Attending mediation allows grandparents to be able to apply for parenting orders.

The Senior Relationship Mediation Service (SRMS) is a free service for seniors and their families in Queensland. The SRMS can intervene and provide support and referrals in cases of elder abuse. To learn more, contact the SRMS at 1300 062 232.

Grandparent rights and family law in Queensland

Healthy, respectful grandparent-grandchild relationships can benefit the whole family. Australian family law recognises the importance of children’s relationship with their grandparents. 

Grandparents can apply for a parenting order through a family law court. This means that a family law court can order for a child to live, spend time with, and/or communicate with a grandparent, provided it’s in the child’s best interest.

Grandparents cannot apply for parenting orders through the family law court unless they have tried mediation.

You can learn more about grandparent rights and options on the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia website.

Coping with grandparent alienation and elder abuse

If you don’t feel safe in having a conversation or making amends on your own, you may be experiencing elder abuse.

It’s critical to lean on your support networks and to look after yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and have self-compassion. Remind yourself that being abused is unacceptable – no one deserves it. The way others treat you is not a reflection of your worth.

Know the signs of elder abuse and stay connected with other family members and friends.

We provide more advice on how to cope with abusive adult children here.

Support is available

If you’re experiencing grandparent alienation and are concerned about elder abuse, support is available.

The Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) assists older Queenslanders and prioritises their rights, safety, and wellbeing. EAPSS provides counselling, legal aid, referrals, and intervention services. Call 1300 062 232 to learn more.

Conflict with our children can happen at all ages and stages of life.

When your children were kids, it was easier to resolve arguments – it’s likely that you lived under the same roof and your child relied on you. But now that your children are grown, it might be harder to navigate disagreements.

An argument, disagreement, or even a cut of contact with your adult child can be especially painful.

We offer some advice on how to repair your relationship with your adult child and move forward with a healthy parent-child relationship.

Listen with the goal of understanding

A heart-to-heart could be exactly what you both need. Demonstrating understanding and empathy is the first step to resolving a disagreement.

Ask about their side of the situation. Listen with the goal of understanding instead of “listening to respond.” Consider your child’s experiences, current situation, and why they might feel the way they do.

By asking questions and actively listening, you might learn something new about your child that can help you understand them even better.

Acknowledge

Acknowledge and take accountability for what’s happened. Talking about the situation is also a good opportunity to share your own perspective and feelings.

By taking responsibility, you demonstrate maturity, self-awareness, and a willingness to move forward.

If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, take this opportunity to acknowledge how your actions affected them.

Apologise

When someone is upset with you, sometimes all it takes is saying sorry. A genuine apology can go a long way.

Maybe you’ve accidentally hurt your child’s feelings. Even if what you did was unintentional, apologising can help mend the wound.

Here’s some more advice on how to apologise to someone you’ve hurt unintentionally.

Put in the effort

An apology is always more meaningful when you also show an effort to make changes moving forward.

Reassure your child that you’re making changes so this won’t happen again.

Rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time and practice – don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remain patient, gentle, and empathetic.

Take opportunities to earn back your trust with them – follow through on your promises, back up your word with corresponding action, and show genuine effort.

Establish boundaries

Boundaries are like guidelines which keep our relationships happy and healthy. They provide balance and make sure others aren’t overstepping or making us feel uncomfortable.

Establishing boundaries is a positive step to building healthy, mutually respectful relationships.

We provide a guide to setting boundaries with your adult child here.

Respect their boundaries

Just as you have boundaries, it’s important to let your child set boundaries, too.

When your child was young, their boundaries are likely to have been different than they are now. For example, they may wish for more independence, space, or privacy. It’s important understand shifting boundaries as your child gets older and goes through different stages of life.

Asking someone about their boundaries is an indicator of respect. Once they’ve communicated their boundaries to you, it’s critical to accept and respect those boundaries.

Know the signs of elder abuse

Family conflict is normal from time to time. But it’s critical to understand the differences between a normal argument and abuse.

Elder abuse is abuse which occurs against seniors. In Australia, adult children of the victim are the most common perpetrators.

You can learn more about the signs of elder abuse here.

Try family mediation

It can be useful to have an outsider’s perspective on a family conflict.

Family mediation is a meeting guided by a professional mediator who helps the family reach a mutually agreed solution and a way to move forward. The mediator provides expertise and insight while supporting you to safely discuss difficult issues.

There’s no shame in attending family mediation – in fact, it’s a positive sign of how much you care about each other.

Support is available

Are you having a conflict with a family member, and don’t know what to do? Family mediation can help resolve conflict and make plans to move forward in a safe, supportive environment under professional guidance.

You can contact the Senior Relationship Mediation Service and make an appointment at 1300 062 232

We offer more advice on healthy relationships with your adult children here.

When your children become adults, it’s natural for your roles in each other’s lives to change.

Boundaries are like guidelines that keep our relationships with loved ones balanced, healthy, and safe.

If you’re feeling stress, strain, or dissatisfaction in your relationships with your adult children or grandchildren, it may be time to set some boundaries.

In this blog post, we’ll review signs it’s time to set boundaries, how to set boundaries with your adult children, and examples of healthy family boundaries. We’ll also explore some signs of elder abuse and the support that is available.

Signs it’s time to set boundaries with a family member

It might feel harsh to think about setting boundaries, but boundaries can improve your relationship and how you feel about each other.

Setting boundaries is a strong sign of self-respect, self-compassion, and self-advocacy.

It’s common for seniors to feel that their children are overly involved in their lives. Here are some signs that you should consider setting boundaries:

• You feel controlled in some way
• You feel used or like you’re being taken advantage of
• You are exhausted by interactions with your adult child
• You feel like your personal time and space are being invaded
• You feel your wants and needs are not being honoured or listened to
• You feel like they are overly involved in your decisions and lifestyle choices.

How to set boundaries with your adult child

It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Here are some tips for talking to your child about your boundaries:

1. Choose a safe, neutral space to talk, like a café
2. Maintain a respectful tone of voice
3. Avoid blaming or accusing
4. Express your feelings
5. Explain your boundaries and how you’d like to be treated
6. Let them know that you appreciate their concern about your wellbeing
7. Remind them you love them and that boundaries can improve your relationship.

Examples of healthy boundaries

Boundaries may be financial, physical, or related to communication or caretaking.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries to set with your adult child:

• “I don’t need you to be with me all the time.”
• “I’m capable of managing my own finances.”
• “Please don’t call during dinner or after 8pm.”
• “I’m not available for childminding every day.”
• “Please only give me your advice when I ask for it.”
• “I would like to have multiple Powers of Attorney.”
• “I’m not able to financially support you as much as I used to.”
• “I’d like us to write out our financial contributions to the household.”
• “I want to live in my own home and I’m not ready to live in aged care yet.”
• “Please only visit me when you give me at least one day’s notice in advance.”

Is it elder abuse?

Every family has its issues sometimes; disagreements are normal. But it’s important to be aware of signs for when the situation is becoming abusive.

Unfortunately, adult children are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse. Here are some common behaviours of elder abuse:

• You have to ask them permission for basic things
• They control your time and communication with others
• They seem to hover around you when you’re with others
• They restrict your access to your car, phone, or other independence
• They keep you from your friends, other family members, or organisations
• They fail to provide you with necessities like food, medical care, and air con.

It might feel scary when your own child is the one abusing you, especially if you depend on them.

Sometimes elder abuse is unintentional and can stem from their own issues. However, whether it’s on purpose or not, abuse is never okay.

Everyone, regardless of age, deserves to feel safe with their family. Learn more about the signs of elder abuse.

Support is available

The Senior Relationship Mediation Services (SRMS) can help you resolve family arguments, set boundaries, and find a clear path to move forward in a healthy relationship with your adult child. The SRMS is a free service which prioritises the wellbeing of the older person and helps your family establish a way forward in a safe environment.

If you’re worried you may be experiencing elder abuse, the Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Services (EAPSS) provides free counselling and safety resources for seniors. EAPSS is a free service which offers individualised support, case management, and referrals for older folks in Queensland.

You can connect with the Senior Relationship Services at 1300 063 232.

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Have you found yourself in a family conflict with no idea what to do?

This conflict might be with anyone in your family, including your adult children or grandchildren. You may feel your wishes aren’t being heard or respected by your family.  

There’s no shame in seeking professional help. In fact, a mediator can help explore options for you and your family to safely move forward.

The Senior Relationship Mediation Service (SRMS) provides family mediation for older adults and their families. The SRMS advocates for the rights and wellbeing of older people, supporting respectful communication and fair outcomes.

What is mediation?

Mediation is a meeting (or series of meetings) guided by a professional mediator who helps the family resolve conflict and reach a mutually agreed solution.

The mediator acts as a neutral third party to support you to safely discuss difficult issues while building healthy, respectful relationships moving forward.

How can mediation help?

Mediation can help families to:

• Resolve conflict
• Agree on a way forward
• Share their hopes and concerns
• Understand each other’s perspectives
• Learn healthy ways to manage conflict.

What happens in mediation?

Mediation involves a meeting with family members and a mediator in a safe, supportive environment. It’s voluntary and requires the consent of all participants.

The mediator guides the process with an agreed-upon agenda. A mediation meeting can take up to three hours, with the opportunity for additional sessions if needed. You may take breaks in between as needed.

Participants can also meet individually with mediators to privately share their concerns. This can be especially helpful if you don’t feel comfortable or safe raising certain issues with your family members present.

Senior Relationship Mediation Service

The SRMS is a free service for seniors and their families.

This service always acknowledges the wellbeing and best interest of the older person.

Additional safe, confidential support is available if you’re experiencing elder abuse. Whether it’s emotional, financial, physical, or another form of abuse, we can help.

“Older persons should be able to live in dignity and security and be free of exploitation and abuse.”
-The United Nations Principles on Human Rights of the Older Person

Marianne’s story

85-year-old Marianne* was being cared for by her live-in grandson Mitch.

Mitch was experiencing some personal troubles, and his behaviour was becoming aggressive, especially towards Marianne. Marianne asked Mitch to move out, which he did.

Marianne’s other grandchild was worried about her grandmother, so she contacted the SRMS.

Marianne, her children, and both of her grandchildren (including Mitch) agreed to attend mediation together. Marianne brought along a friend as a support person.

During mediation, Marianne shared that her strongest wish was to remain in her own home for as long as possible.

The mediation lasted for three hours. The family acknowledged Mitch’s mistreatment of Marianne. Mitch apologised to Marianne and showed evidence of changing his behaviours, so Marianne decided to allow Mitch to live with her as her carer again. The family decided together on Mitch’s caretaking tasks and agreed to review the arrangement in six months.

Marianne felt her wishes were heard and honoured by her family, and there was a greater level of family support and supervision for both Marianne and Mitch.

If you or an older person you know need help to resolve a conflict, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Relationship Mediation Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

*Please note that names and details in this blog post have been altered to protect our client’s privacy.

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With the cost of living on the rise, more families are moving in together. While intergenerational living can have its benefits, having multiple family members under one roof can make it difficult to set boundaries and agree on day-to-day decisions.

Statistics show that thirteen percent of Australians have had to move back into their family home or have had an adult child move back in within the past twelve months.

We offer some tips on having a happy, healthy cohabiting situation with your older parents or with your adult child.

Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries help protect you within relationships and allow you to establish how you’d like to be treated.

It can be difficult to set boundaries with adult children or with parents, but it’s a healthy thing to do.

To set boundaries in a relationship, you should first identify your values, identity, and feelings. Then, communicate your needs and remain consistent about them.

We offer a guide to setting healthy boundaries here.

Respect other’s boundaries

Someone else’s boundaries are nothing personal and should always be respected. By adhering to someone else’s boundaries, you can keep your relationship healthy.

You can respect each other’s boundaries by:

• Clearly discussing your boundaries
• Respecting each other’s time and space
• Remembering that no means no and stop means stop
• Not snooping, sneaking, or going behind each other’s back
• Not pushing or prying if someone does not want to talk about something
• Taking note of what makes them uncomfortable and not doing that again.

Have all agreements in writing

When moving in together, it’s important to get all agreements in writing – no matter how much you trust each other.

Together, write out important information such as how much rent is to be paid and how any bills will be handled. Written agreements may protect you from future arguments, financial abuse, or relationship breakdown.

We suggest using a general tenancy agreement.

Let go of aged-based prejudice

Different generations often have perceived notions of how the other generations may be.

Prejudice against someone because of their age is called ageism. Ageism puts older people at risk of abuse, social isolation, and neglect. Ageism against younger people may cause relationship hardships.

You can let go of aged-based prejudice by:

• Sharing your interests with each other
• Recognising each other’s abilities and strengths
• Doing activities together, such as games, cooking, or sharing a skill
• Spending time with your family members who are a different age than you
• Asking questions about each other, such as about hobbies, opinions, and experiences
• Setting aside any stereotypes that you may have about older people or younger people.

Cherish this time spent together

It’s all too common for us to not realise the value of the time we get to spend with our families.

Reframing your perspective can help you to cherish this time spent living with your family. Use this opportunity to make memories together and learn from each other.

Making the most of the situation can strengthen your relationship.

Seek professional advice or mediation

Before making any major decisions, it’s wise to seek professional or legal advice.

Seeking advice can provide a neutral, third-party insight to your situation. They can also provide helpful solutions and make sure that the rights of everyone involved are protected.

Family mediation can help you to resolve conflict and to find a healthy way forward.

The Senior Relationships Mediation Service (SRMS) provides free family mediation which prioritises the wellbeing of the older person.

If you or an older person you know need assistance in repairing a relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Senior Relationship Mediation Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

Living far away from an ageing parent with declining health can be stressful for everyone involved.

It’s important to find a balance that prioritises your elderly parent’s wellbeing while being mindful of your own wellbeing, too.

We’ll share a few steps you can take to be there for your elderly parent when you can’t physically be there.

1.      Listen to their wants and needs.

Ageism, which is discrimination against a person based on their age, appears in familial relationships when a person’s own wishes are ignored.

Sometimes, family members assume the role of decision-making based on their loved one’s age, but transfer of control and decision-making is often unwanted by the older person.

Before making any decisions or assumptions, it’s best to discuss your ageing parent’s wishes, concerns, and needs.

2.      Explore different care and living arrangement options.

Since you’re living far away, you may have to consider other options to make sure your parent gets the care they need. Discuss with your parent, with your family, and with health experts to make the right decision together.

Here are some leading questions to navigate these discussions:

1. Will my parent have a community or a support system wherever they live?
2. What care can other family members realistically provide?
3. How much extra help does my parent need?
4. What concerns does my parent have?
5. Where does my parent want to live?
6. What are my parent’s boundaries?
7. What about my parent’s pets?
8. What concerns do I have?
9. What can we afford?

Care options may include an aged care facility, an in-home caretaker or nurse, or a division of responsibilities amongst family and friends.

Remember that your ageing parent’s needs can drastically change over time, so this discussion should be revisited regularly.

3.      Have an emergency plan.

Emergencies concerning elderly parents are especially stressful when you’re long-distance. Having a plan in case of emergencies can mitigate that stress and help you and your parent be prepared.

An emergency plan may include:

1. Exchanging contact information with your parent’s GP, nurses, caretakers, and neighbours.
2. Having someone ready to look after your children or pets if you need to leave.
3. Arranging an emergency folder with all of your parent’s essential documents.
4. Backup plans for care and living arrangements in case of changing needs.
5. Print an emergency care directive and hang it on your parent’s fridge.
6. Assigning roles amongst siblings and other family members.
7. Getting your parent a personal emergency alarm.
8. Pre-packing a travel bag.

4.      Stay in touch with them and with someone close to them.

These days, staying in touch while long-distance is easier than ever.

Staying connected with your parent will help you keep up with their wellbeing. Plus, empathetic phone calls have been shown to reduce depression and anxiety in older adults.

Here are some tips to teach technology to your elderly parent to help them stay in touch.

You can also schedule regular calls with your parent’s caretaker, nurse, or neighbour. Keeping regular contact with these key people can keep you in the loop and may also help you look out for potential signs of elder abuse.

5.      Be considerate of your own mental health, too.

Being far away from your ageing parent is a unique type of grief. It’s natural to feel sad, stressed, worried, or pressured.

Remember to look after your own mental health. You may find a support system with friends or colleagues who are going through a similar situation. Indulge in self-care, meditate, seek counselling, discuss with friends, and engage in hobbies.

Being long-distance with an ageing parent is tough, but with strategic planning and open communication, your parent’s wellbeing can be managed.

If you or an older family member you know need some help resolving an issue, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?