1300 364 277
Quick Exit
This button appears across the site. Press this button to exit the site immediately to nondescript link
Click to close or press

Category: Family & Parenting

Resolving Family Disputes Concerning Ageing Parents

Posted on by admin

As your parent reaches old age, siblings may disagree on what’s best for the parent regarding important decisions and caretaking responsibilities.

Siblings may have different opinions on matters such as the level of care and support needed for your parent, where the parent should live, and everyone’s roles and level of involvement.

In this blog post, we offer some tips to resolve the family dispute concerning your ageing parent.

 

Prioritise your elderly parent’s wellbeing

When a discussion turns into an argument, it’s easy to lose focus of the priority: your ageing parent. Though it feels difficult, you may have to set aside any differences to reach an agreement that is best for your parent.

Don’t forget to consider the input of your parent. Your parent is getting older, but they still have goals. Have an open discussion with them about these goals, which may include:

  • Downsizing to a smaller home.
  • Relocating to be closer to family.
  • Prioritising their health and fitness.
  • Being independent for as long as possible.
  • Socialising or getting involved in the community.

Consider both the wants and needs of your parent in your discussions with your siblings.

 

Try to understand each other’s perspectives

Sometimes, sibling roles and responsibilities involving your parent may not feel balanced. Putting yourself in the shoes of your sibling may help you to understand their perspective.

Different circumstances may contribute to your differentiating opinions in the matter, including:

  • Their own mental health.
  • How near or far they live.
  • Their career and career goals.
  • Their relationship with the parent.
  • Their own children and family priorities.
  • time that can be devoted to looking after your parent.

If you or your sibling are not able to devote time and resources into looking after your elderly parent, for example, then you may have to consider other options.

 

Review all of your options and get an expert assessment

Your siblings should narrow the discussion down to what your options realistically are. Agree on attainable options after reviewing the following areas:

  • finances.
  • personal preferences.
  • level of care and support needed.

Whether you are arguing about finances, making important decisions, or caretaking responsibilities, we recommend consulting professionals. Depending on what the dispute concerns, a general practitioner or a financial counsellor would be most fit to guide your decision.

 

Look out for signs of elder abuse

In the instance of family disputes concerning an ageing parent, your parent may become more vulnerable to elder abuse – whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Adult children are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse. While there’s no excuse for abuse, the perpetrator may not intend to cause harm or even realise they are doing so.

As you and your siblings argue over what is best for your elderly parent, look out for signs of elder abuse including:

  • lack of health essentials such as medication or hearing aids.
  • apprehension or anxiety about a specific person.
  • lack of control over their own finances.
  • withdrawal and changes in confidence.
  • symptoms of depression or anxiety.
  • missing money, assets, or mail.

Read more about elder abuse, its signs, and what you can do to get help here.

 

Consider a mediator

Family disputes can become emotional and may involve complicated relationships, generational trauma, and other complex intricacies. Such arguments can damage relationships and may harm the older person concerned rather than help them.

Getting a mediator involved can help your family explore your options in a safe way. Discussions will be professionally guided. Mediation can help resolve conflict and make a roadmap for moving forward.

Learn more about how to access senior relationships mediation in Queensland and what to expect here.

 

If you need help resolving a conflict concerning an older person, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment that priotises the older person’s wellbeing.

You can learn more about our Senior Relationship Mediation Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

What to Consider Before Moving In With Adult Children

Posted on by admin

You’ve accomplished so much in your life already! It’s perfectly okay that you find yourself thinking about moving in with your children.

Seniors choose to move in with their child for many reasons such as the rising cost of living, changing health and care needs, or to be closer together.

Moving into your child’s home may strengthen your relationship and can be mutually beneficial. It’s important to prepare for potential problems and to maintain a healthy, happy dynamic between you and your child when making the decision about moving in with them.

 

The level of care that you need

You’ve likely spent a lot of your time looking after yourself and for those around you. As you age, your health and abilities naturally change. There is no shame in seeking help where you need it and letting someone help care for you.

If you are considering moving in with your child because you need some extra help in looking after yourself, first make sure that your child will be willing and able to assist.

Sometimes we may downplay our needs because we feel we need to be convenient, but it’s better to be honest and direct when communicating to your needs to your child.

If you are not confident you will receive the care that you need, other options such as an in-home support worker may be better for your health and for your relationship with your child.

 

The impact on your mental and physical health

Your mental health is greatly persuaded by your surrounding environment. Living in close quarters with your child can challenge your relationship, especially if grandchildren are living in the home, too.

Steps to mitigate your mental health when moving in with your adult child can include:

  • disclosing expectations of caretaking roles, both for yourself and for any childcare.
  • discussing expectations regarding visitors, noise, cleaning, privacy, and downtime.
  • informing them about any triggers.
  • attending counselling
  • setting boundaries.

Consider what potential health and safety hazards may be around your child’s home, such as:

  • if the home is disability friendly or not.
  • the local weather and climate.
  • if there is enough space.
  • young children.
  • pets.

You and your child can plan out ways that you can make the home a place where everyone can feel safe and comfortable.

 

Peers and community

Socialising with peers your own age can significantly help the adjustment of moving in with your child.

You can find local socialisation opportunities through:

  • local groups and events for seniors,
  • a local religious affiliation,
  • and more.

The Senior Social Connection Program helps older people in the Sunshine Coast connect with others through free events, courses, and catchups. The Australian Government offers a huge list of social opportunities for older people across Queensland.

If you will be leaving behind nearby friends and neighbours, plan to keep in touch. Chances are that your child will be able to help you learn to use your smartphone to stay connected.

 

Pets

Pets are our best friends; they’re a source of love and comfort.

Only 18% of aged care facilities in Australia allow pets, while just 9% of in-home care providers claim to offer a pet-friendly service. Moving into your child’s home may be the better option to keep your four-legged friend with you.

Ensure that your child’s home will be a suitable environment for your pet. If you are not entirely able to look after the pet yourself, discuss any care-taking responsibilities with your child.

 

Money and assets

Finances are a leading reason why older adults downsize or move out of their homes, especially with the recent cost of living increase. Though finances may be a touchy subject, an amicable conversation in the beginning can prevent a relationship breakdown in the end. We offer some tips for having difficult conversations here.

To guide this conversation, consider:

  • Will you pay rent, and if so, how much?
  • How will utility and grocery bills be split?

Financial agreements should always be made in writing; we advise using a general tenancy agreement.

Make sure you’re taking advantage of senior benefits, such as age pension.

Living together may make you more vulnerable to financial abuse. Learn more about financial elder abuse and how you can protect yourself here.

 

Safety

Your home should always be a safe place for you.

While many older Australians consider their child to be their most important person, older Australians are most likely to feel unsafe disagreeing with said person. Older people are vulnerable to elder abuse; adult children are the most common perpetrators.

There is no excuse for abuse, but before moving in with your child, consider factors that may make your child an unintentional perpetrator, such as:

  • any negative history in your relationship.
  • the financial situation.
  • their mental health.

It’s okay to ask for help. Learn more about elder abuse and how to reach out for help here.

 

If you are an older person who is having trouble navigating a relationship with a family member, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

If your parent is moving in with you, our blog post 10 Tips for Moving Your Elderly Parents In offers more advice.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

List of Coparenting Boundaries

Posted on by admin

Coparenting with an ex-partner can be challenging, especially if the relationship ended on rocky terms.

It can help to determine some coparenting boundaries or rules to ensure your child’s best interests remain at the heart of everything you do.

In a coparenting situation, boundaries can protect parents and children against any bitterness or anger that may exist between you and your ex-partner.

This list of coparenting rules and boundaries can help you have a healthy relationship with your ex-partner that benefits your child and supports you to heal after the separation.

 

1.      Make a plan of parenting responsibilities

Create a clear, detailed plan that defines what you and your ex-partner’s responsibilities will be as you coparent together. Defining expectations you both agree to will give your child more consistency and stability. Having a plan will also help you avoid arguments and confusion.

 

2.      Stick to a coparenting schedule

Create a comprehensive custody schedule with no room for misunderstandings. The plan should detail date and time of exchanges as well as holidays and important events. The schedule should be written with your child’s school and extracurricular priorities as the focus.

Respect the coparenting schedule by arriving on time to exchanges, letting the other parent know about changes, and modifying the schedule if necessary.

 

3.      Keep it professional

It might be awkward at first, but treating your ex-partner like a business partner may minimise drama and arguments. Focus on working together respectfully for your child. 

You should communicate with your ex-partner like you would with a colleague. Remain professional, respectful, and friendly. Keep out intimate details of your personal life, don’t let your emotions take over, and try to handle any disagreements away from your child.

 

4.      Communicate effectively

It’s important to establish expectations of communication. You can use an app like TalkingParents exclusively for communication with your coparent. When using an app like this, you can reserve texts and calls for emergencies only.

You should also detail what you’ll talk about in your communication – and what you won’t talk about. Keep communication child-focused.

To curb conflict with your coparent, practise accountable and solutions-based communication. Some effective methods of healthy communication include using “I” statements instead of accusing, and offering solutions instead of arguing. For example, “I notice you’re usually running behind to Sunday pick-ups, should we change the schedule to meet 15 minutes later?”

 

5.      Keep your personal lives private

Again, stick to keeping it professional and communicating effectively.

While coparenting is for the benefit of your child, it’s normal to grieve the separation from your ex-partner as you adjust to this new normal. An important step in healing is to move on and protect your new life.

Set strict boundaries of what you will and won’t discuss with your ex-partner. It’s wise to not snoop into your ex-partner’s personal life either, as this may hurt your feelings and hinder the process of moving on.

 

6.      Be supportive of your ex-partner’s role as your coparent

Ultimately, coparenting is for the benefit of your child. Having a healthy coparenting relationship will be better for your child’s mental health, academic performance, and overall upbringing.

Encourage your coparent. Be friendly when you attend your child’s school events together, thank them for being on time to pick-ups and drop-offs, and don’t badmouth them in front of your child.

 

Are you having a difficult time navigating coparenting? We offer more tips in our blog post How to Make Joint Custody Work.

RAQ offers individual and couples counselling as well as mediation services for families experiencing separation.

To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.

How to be a Good Father after Divorce

Posted on by admin

It’s normal to worry about your relationship with your kids after a divorce or separation – especially if you’ll be spending less time with them.

This can be a very challenging time for children, whatever their age. It can take time to adjust to a new routine of moving back and forth between parents.

While all this change can be hard on everyone, it’s important to focus on your kids’ needs every step of the way.

We hope this advice helps you navigate coparenting and fatherhood after separation.

 

Manage Your Own Feelings

Separation can bring up a lot of difficult feelings, especially when kids are involved. Anger, disappointment, and guilt are all common emotions following a relationship breakdown.

It’s crucial that you manage any negative feelings toward your coparent and the situation to avoid projecting them onto your children.

You want them to grow up in a safe and supportive environment, not around parents who outwardly dislike each other or hold onto resentments.

If you’re feeling hurt, angry, or anxious, lean on your support networks and talk to someone you trust.

It can also be helpful to speak to a professional counsellor. Counselling is a safe and confidential environment for you to get things off your chest and find healthy ways to cope.

Working through your emotions will help you heal and be the happiest and healthiest version of you, and in turn, the best dad you can be for your kids.

 

Don’t Play Favourites

The last thing kids want when their parents break up is to feel like they have to pick a side.

Kids should be supported to maintain a positive relationship with both parents. Turning it into a competition to be the ‘favourite’ is unhealthy and uncomfortable for everyone.

Even if you have some negative feelings toward your ex, it’s important to remain respectful when your child is around and support their relationship with each other.

And remember, it’s normal for kids to miss one parent when they’re with the other. Try not to take this personally – they very likely miss you when you’re apart too! Don’t guilt your child for wanting to spend time with their other parent, and don’t take this out on your coparent.

If you’re having a hard time feeling like your child prefers their other parent, the advice in this blog post might help: When Your Child Favours Their Other Parent after Divorce.

 

Make Your Home Feel Like Their Home

Even if your kids only visit every second weekend, remember that they aren’t visitors – they live with you. Your home is their home, and they should feel safe and comfortable whenever they’re with you.

Create a space that feels warm and inviting, and make sure their rooms have all the necessities as well as personal touches to make them smile.

It can help to involve them in the decorating process so they have a sense of control over their new room and look forward to spending time there. This could be a fun bonding exercise and put a positive and exciting spin on having a second bedroom.

 

Make the Most of Your Time Together

One of the best ways to be a good dad is to really be present and engaged with your kids.

Quality time means giving them your full attention and making an effort to get to know them. Ask them about their interests and ideas without the TV or your phone distracting you.

Kids need plenty of reassurance from their parents following a separation, so be sure to give them plenty of hugs and positive affirmation such as:

  • I love you
  • I will always be here for you
  • I love spending time with you
  • Playing with you is my favourite part of the week
  • I’m always thinking of you, even when we’re apart.

How you interact with your kids now will set the foundation for your relationship into the future. Remember that only you are responsible for your relationship with them, and show them how important they are by really making the most of your time together.

 

Pay Attention to Their Behaviour

Separation and divorce can be a difficult and traumatic time for kids of any age. It’s important that you keep an eye out for any concerning changes in behaviour that might indicate they need further support.

Some signs your kids might be struggling include:

  • More frequent crying
  • Increased fear of things
  • Changes in sleep or appetite
  • Increased fear of abandonment
  • Increased irritability and outbursts
  • Clinging to caregivers more than usual
  • Complaints of headaches or tummy aches
  • Misbehaving or declining grades in school
  • Regressing to younger behaviours (e.g. thumb sucking).

If you think your child is having a hard time coping with your separation or divorce, you should talk to the other adults in their life to let them know. This might include their coparent and grandparents (if safe to do so), teachers, and any other babysitters or carers concerned.

It’s important that everyone around them is looking out for them and doing what they can to support them during this difficult time. If you think they need extra support to work through things, help is available.

RAQ offers counselling for individuals, couples, and families in a safe and non-judgemental environment. We can also refer you to child-specific services like Headspace and Kids Helpline if needed.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer more helpful advice in this blog post: Tips for Separating with Kids

10 Tips for Moving Your Elderly Parents In

Posted on by admin

As your parents age, their needs and their abilities tend to change. You may be wondering if it’s time to move your elderly parents out of their home and into your home with you.

If your elderly parent or parents need extra care, it may be more beneficial for everyone if they move into your home.

Moving your elderly parents in with you may even be a financially motivated decision; the recent cost-of-living increase has more and more families moving in together to save money.

However, with families living in such close quarters, there is higher risk for stress and conflict.

In this blog post, we’ll explore tips for a happy, healthy dynamic when you and your elderly parents live together.

 

1.      Establish specific financial expectations

Establish clear financial expectations from the beginning to avoid any conflict and to make sure both parties feel that the arrangement is fair.

It is a good idea to put these conditions in writing. Without a paper trail, you may find yourselves in serious, complicated legal trouble down the road.

It’s especially important to have a conversation about financial expectations if you are moving in together to save money.

To begin setting financial expectations, start by openly discussing these questions with your parents:

  • What is your parents’ budget?
  • Will you rent out or sell the parents’ current home?
  • Will your parents help pay for the house on the condition they can live with you rent-free?
  • If so, will you pay your parents back? What is the repayment plan like?
  • Will you charge them rent, and if so, how much?
  • How will you do the grocery shopping?
  • How will you divide the grocery bill?
  • What percentage of the household bills will they pay?
  • Can you save money by changing to family plans for certain subscriptions, like phone plans and Netflix?
  • Can you eliminate any subscriptions to avoid doubling up?
  • Are your parents taking advantage of senior benefits, such as age pension and concession cards?

We offer some cost-of-living savings tips for seniors in another blog post, including information about government subsidies and benefits.

When discussing financial expectations, it’s vital to be honest with each other. Dishonesty when making financial agreements can lead to a situation of financial abuse.

You may want to seek external help in creating a financial plan to ensure fairness to you, your family, and your aging parents. Relationship Australia Qld’s free Senior Financial Protection Service (SFPS) can help you and your older family member make informed financial decisions and help prevent financial abuse.

 

2.      Establish specific assistance & caring expectations

If your parent is moving in with you because they need some extra care and support, it is important to understand what your parent needs, and to communicate what you can provide.

Ask your parent what challenges they face and what they need help with. Make sure that your parent feels safe and comfortable in letting you know what they need.

Clearly communicate what assistance and support you are willing and able to provide.

However, don’t over-commit yourself. Be mindful of your schedule and other responsibilities. Identify areas where you may need to bring in extra support, such as a support worker.

You may also want to get your children involved in looking after your parents – it will be a great learning experience as well as a bonding opportunity.

 

3.      Set boundaries for yourself

Having someone move into your home, especially your parents, may feel like a tonne of pressure. Remind yourself that it’s your home, your rules. And remember that even though they’re your parents, you’re still an adult.

Be gentle yet assertive whenever you find that you need time or space. Spending too much time together can be straining on any relationship. You’ll need to find a balance between caring for your parent while still living your own life.

Relationships Australia’s recent survey reveals that 77.9% of participants have recently faced pressures on their most important relationships. These pressures are mostly related to mental health and money problems.

In your role as your parents’ carer, you can reasonably expect to face difficulties, but you’re not alone. The Queensland Government website lists a host of free support resources for those in carer roles.

This same survey also reveals that 94.6% of carers feel loved, and 48.6% identify the person they care for as the most important person in their life. Caring for your parents can give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

 

4.      Clearly ask about your parents’ boundaries

Don’t forget that your parents have feelings, too. Though they are older and need looking after, they still value privacy and space.

Having a conversation about what your parents’ boundaries are will help you maintain a healthy relationship with them.

It’s likely that moving in with you makes your parents feel dependent and reliant. Even though they’re living with you, respect your parents’ rights to independence.

 

5.      Ensure your home is senior-friendly

If your parent has a disability, is in a wheelchair, or is prone to falling, make sure your home will be a safe place for them.

Small changes may include making sure children’s toys are cleaned up and that pets are not a tripping hazard.

Bigger changes may include installation of a wheelchair ramp, installing handles in the bathroom, or putting a seat in the bathtub or shower.

The space that your parents are staying in should be clean and accommodating. Make sure they feel comfortable and have everything they need. They should feel safe and be able to have privacy.

 

6.      Be ready for lifestyle changes

Naturally, there will be changes to your lifestyle now that another family member is moving into your home. For example, family meals may change to suit everyone’s taste. You may also have to be considerate of loud music at certain hours and when guests visit the house. There will also be more cleaning up to do.

If quarters are close, you might have less privacy and personal space than you’re used to. Consider setting up a schedule, or at least communicate clearly about times that you need to access a certain space. For instance, if you need to get ready for work every weekday at 7 am, ask your parents to let you have sole access the bathroom during this hour.

 

7.      Prepare your spouse and children

Intergenerational living can be a wonderful opportunity for your children to spend more time with their grandparents.

Research shows that spending more time with grandchildren gives grandparents a 37% lower mortality rate. The Australian television program Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds conducted an intergenerational experiment which revealed that older people have improved mood, confidence, and physical health after just four weeks spent with children.

Having your elderly parents in the same household as your children can also be a great opportunity for your children to learn about your family, your heritage, and all kinds of special skills such as gardening and playing the piano. Your children will likely cherish this time spent with their grandparents.

However, it’s important to prepare everyone in the household for adjusting to life with your elderly parents. Teach the children how to be respectful of their grandparents, and ensure they are capable of any caretaking duties handed to them. Work together to maintain a clean household to keep your parents safe.

You may worry that having your parents live with you will interfere with your life with your spouse. Again, it’s important to set boundaries. Make sure you and your spouse are both prepared for the sacrifices involved.

Take this time as an opportunity to spend quality time together and to make your parents’ old age enjoyable.

Some fun ideas to make the best of the situation include:

  • Eating meals together more often.
  • Having weekly family events, like a movie night or a board game night.
  • Including your parents in your routine outings, such as the children’s school drop-off or your daily walk with the dog.

 

8.      Practise healthy conflict resolution

Living together will inevitably create situations of getting in each other’s way and annoying each other – but that’s totally natural! There are plenty of healthy ways to resolve conflict and move forward together.

Tips for healthy conflict resolution with your elderly parent:

  • Be empathetic. Try to understand your parents’ perspective. Ask them about their concerns.
  • Be gentle. Getting old is scary. Be sensitive and remember that your parents probably have a lot of their own feelings about requiring care and assistance.
  • Be patient. Your parents are from a different generation, so intergenerational living may come with a lot of surprises for them. Moving in together is as big an adjustment for them as it is for you.
  • Be solution focused. Arguing will not make your time living together any better. Try to find a solution to whatever has caused the conflict, and discuss how you can keep this conflict from recurring.

Our free Senior Relationships Mediation Service helps older people and their families in Queensland to repair and maintain their relationships. You can call us on 1300 063 232.

 

9.      Be sure your parents have their own social network

It’s so important that your older parents have their own support system besides just you and the family.

If your parent is moving to a new city or even just to a new suburb to live with you, they may have to make new local friends or join a local senior group.

When your parents have their own peers, there will be a lot less pressure on you. Socialising will also naturally improve your parents’ health, which is a win-win for everyone.

Research shows that seniors who are more socially involved are at decreased risk for heart disease, illness, high blood pressure, and mental deterioration. Being socially involved contributes to significantly lower rates of dementia, depression, and anxiety.

We offer some great tips for how your older loved one can start socialising in our blog, Staying Social As You Age.

Relationship Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program (SSCP) is a free service that offers social opportunities for older people in Sunshine Coast and Gympie. The SSCP includes social groups, peer support, healthy lifestyle events, and more with a focus on addressing the factors that contribute to the social isolation of older people.

If you live in another area of Queensland, the Queensland Government offers an expansive list of community groups for older people across the state.

 

10. Remember that all these things can change

As your parents age, their needs and abilities will change. The level of care that they need may increase, which will affect you.

You can’t put your life entirely on hold while you care for your parents. You may face changes in life as well, such as at work or in your personal relationships.

And as we know, life brings many changes. In the past few years, we have seen bushfires, floods, an international pandemic, and a major increase in cost-of-living. These events had, and still have, monumental impacts on us all.

As the world and our lives change, the needs of this living arrangement between you and your parents will also change.

You should constantly check in with one another. Make a point to regularly ask your parents if they’re okay. Make certain that your home is a safe space for your parents to voice their wants and needs.

It’s likely you’ll need to regularly revisit the points listed above.

Keep a positive attitude and remember that you are making sacrifices for the greater good. It’s only natural that we take care of our aging parents; someday, you’ll be old too, and then it will be your children’s turn to look after you.

 

If you or an older person you know need help on having a healthy relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our free Senior Relationships Mediation Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

When Your Child Favours Their Other Parent after Divorce

Posted on by admin

Separation and divorce can be challenging and confusing for children.

This dramatic change to the family dynamic and routine can bring a lost sense of safety and stability.

It can take time to adjust to moving back and forth between their parents, and it’s normal for a child to miss one parent while they’re with the other.

They may even seemingly favour one parent following a separation. Perhaps they feel more comfortable with mum, or maybe they have more fun with dad. This favouritism is often temporary, and they may even switch between which parent they prefer from week to week.

While it can be hurtful to feel like your child favours the other parent, it’s important to manage your feelings and prioritise your child’s needs every step of the way.

We offer advice to navigate this situation while keeping your child’s best interests at heart.

 

Don’t guilt your child

Children should be encouraged to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents following a separation.

Don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent, and don’t pressure them to choose a side. It’s normal to feel hurt if they seem to prefer the other parent, but it’s not OK to guilt your child for it.

Saying things like “That hurts mummy’s feelings” or “Don’t you love your daddy anymore?” can make them feel like they’ve done something wrong and exacerbate negative feelings.

Remember that your child is dealing with their own big emotions right now, and your emotions are your own responsibility. It’s not your child’s job to make you feel better – it’s your job to support them emotionally.

If you’re struggling, find healthier ways to cope such as talking to a trusted friend or professional counsellor.

 

Look for the message

It’s important to remember that it’s normal for children to go through phases of favouring one parent over the other throughout their lives – especially during the younger years.

They might request a specific parent to read their bedtime story, or bond more with a parent that shares their interest in a sport or hobby. It isn’t necessarily a reflection on you or an indication that you need to change.

But in some cases, it can be an opportunity for reflection. Ask yourself what this might mean about your own relationship and how you can improve as a parent. Do you talk and play with them without distractions? Do you listen with patience and understanding? Do you say “I love you” often? 

Play to your strengths, stay positive, and focus your energy on nurturing your own relationship with your child and supporting them through these scary changes.

 

Don’t take it out on your ex

Your relationship with your child is your responsibility and should be your main focus as you create new routines.

Getting upset with your ex or turning it into a competition to be the ‘favourite’ isn’t helpful or healthy for anyone. The same goes for badmouthing them around your child.

Even if you have some negative feelings toward your ex, it’s important to remain respectful when your child is around.

 

Seek professional support

Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgemental environment can help you explore your feelings and concerns and find healthy coping strategies.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer more advice for parents here: Tips for Separating with Kids.

How to Cope with Empty Nest Heartache

Posted on by admin

Empty nest syndrome or heartache is often used to describe the grief many parents feel when their children move out of the family home.

While it’s not a clinical diagnosis, empty nest syndrome is a well-known and common phenomenon that generally involves feelings of loss, sadness, and rejection, and the questioning of purpose and self-identity.

It’s normal to be sad when your children leave home – or even in the leadup to them leaving. It can take some time to adjust to this new ‘normal’. But if you’re struggling with ongoing symptoms of depression or emotional distress, it may help to talk to a professional.

We hope this advice helps you cope with empty nest syndrome and embrace the positive opportunities this new chapter presents.

 

Nurture your friendships

Kids can take up a lot of your time – no matter their age. Now your children have left the home, you may have more free time to catch up with friends.

Investing in friendships and filling your social calendar can ward off feelings of loneliness while increasing your sense of belonging and purpose. You might like to organise a monthly potluck dinner or encourage friends to join a social sport or book club with you.

 

Reconnect with your partner

Quality time and spontaneous dates can go by the wayside once kids come along. Now you have the house to yourselves again, you can embrace your newfound freedom and rediscover all your favourite things to do together – without worrying whether the kids will enjoy them too.

Plan a weekly date night out of the house and create new traditions at home together with boardgame and movie nights.

Chances are your partner shares similar feelings about your children leaving home, so remember that you’re in this together and have someone to confide in when you’re not feeling your best. And if you’re single, lean on your support network of friends and family when times are tough.

 

Navigate your new relationship with your child

Physical distance from your child doesn’t have to mean emotional distance between you. Your relationship will naturally change as they gain some independence, but this is an opportunity to build a genuine friendship as they become their own person.

Keep in touch with texts, calls, and visits (when invited) while respecting their boundaries (e.g. don’t judge their decisions or offer unsolicited advice, and avoid putting pressure on them to contact or visit you more often).

 

Make plans for the future

Being a parent can define your identity. It’s normal to question who you are and what’s next for you when your children don’t need you as they once did.

This is a chance for you to prioritise yourself and your goals. Reflect on what’s important to you and what you want your life to look like moving forward. This might involve creating a bucket list featuring several categories such as travel, career, fitness, relationships, spirituality, and contribution.

Having something to look forward to can help increase motivation and overall mood. So turn those goals into plans and book a trip, sign up for a marathon, take guitar lessons, or start a course.

 

Seek professional support

If your symptoms of empty nest heartache are persistent or impacting your daily life, it may help to seek professional support.

Talking to a counsellor in a non-judgemental environment can help you explore your feelings and concerns and find healthy coping strategies. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We provide some tips to adapt to your new dynamic and foster a good relationship with your adult children in this blog post.

How to Overcome Loneliness as a New Mum

Posted on by admin

There’s a lot of pressure to be in a bubble of love and joy when bub comes long.

But it’s common for parents of newborns to feel a sense of isolation and loneliness – particularly for first-time mums.

This may be tied to missing your old life and/or feeling like your sense of identity has changed or blurred.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness are thought to be risk factors for postnatal depression (PND) and anxiety, which are reported to affect up to 1 in 5 Australian women.

This blog post offers advice to combat loneliness as a new parent, and preventative measures for anyone concerned about developing PND.

 

Take care of yourself

You may not have time to take a long bubble bath or go for a relaxing massage right now, but that doesn’t mean your self-care should suffer completely.

Make sure you’re meeting your basic needs as best you can while you’re putting all your energy into attending to baby’s needs.

Taking care of yourself by showering, moving your body, and eating nutritious meals may help increase your coping capacity.

It’s not selfish to prioritise your self-care. When you feel good about yourself, your baby will benefit.

 

Reach out to your support network

It takes a village to raise a child, but new mums seem to be more isolated than ever.

It’s not uncommon for friends and family to take a step back once bub comes along. They might think you’d like some alone time with your new family, or maybe they want to avoid overwhelming you with messages and visitors.

If you’re feeling lonely or need more support, let your loved ones know how you’re feeling. Chances are they’d love to put more time and effort into nurturing your relationship and helping you feel connected and supported during this time.

 

Accept help from loved ones

This is not the time to decline offers of help out of pride or not wanting to be a burden.

If the people around you offer to bring over some meals or do a load of laundry, let them. This will shorten your to-do list while increasing your social interactions – win, win!

These acts of service come from a genuine place of love and care. The people around you want to lift you up and pitch in where they can, so accept and embrace the offers while they’re on the table.

 

Seek support from other parents

During the tougher days, it can be especially helpful to know you’re not alone and to have support from someone who can relate to what you’re going through.

Connect with friends who have kids for advice or just an empathetic ear.

If you don’t have parents in your social circles, consider joining a local mothers’ or parents’ group, or turn to the internet to find your people. There are endless Facebook groups and forums you can join.

 

Take steps to prevent postnatal depression

There’s no silver bullet to prevent postnatal depression, but there are a few things you can do that may help reduce the risk of developing PND.

  • Educate yourself – Learning about postnatal depression can help you identify the signs and seek help early if you do experience it.
  • Talk to a professional – It can be helpful to see a counsellor leading up to your parenting journey. This will allow you to explore any concerns around PND and address any other issues in your life that may impact your mental health.
  • Look after your body – Physical health and mental health go hand in hand. Eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, and sleep as much as you can during pregnancy and post-birth.
  • Avoid major life changes – Try to maintain a calm and comfortable routine during pregnancy and post-birth, and don’t make any other big life changes (e.g. moving house).
  • Enlist good support during labour – Who will be in the labour room with you? Your partner? Your mother? A private midwife? Consider who will be able to best support you and advocate for you.
  • Consider household help – If you can afford a cleaner or a meal-delivery service, it’s worth booking it in for the postpartum period.
  • Find a strong support group – Surrounding yourself with supportive, loving people you can trust will make a world of difference when you’re struggling. If you’re particularly concerned about developing PND, be open and let them know.

 

Seek professional support

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Some other support services include:

National Helpline, Monday to Friday, 9am – 7.30pm (AEST/AEDT): 1300 726 306

Helpline: 1300 851 758

View other service options (including telehealth counselling and group programs)

24/7 helpline: 1300 22 4636

webchat

email (email response provided within 24 hours)

24/7 crisis support: 13 11 14

24/7 crisis chat

24/7 crisis text

“What if parents disagree about their child getting the COVID vaccine?” and other FAQs

Posted on by admin

For many parents, COVID-19 has added to the stress of already difficult family circumstances.

Your usual co-parenting arrangements might be disrupted by new challenges such as school closures, travel bans, social distancing, mask mandates, and conflicting opinions around vaccinations.

These changes may be causing some uncertainty and anxiety for you and your child.

We hope this information helps if you have questions about COVID impacting your situation.

As always, your child’s safety and best interests should be your main priority.

 

What can I do if my co-parent doesn’t want our child to get the COVID vaccine?

As the COVID vaccine becomes available to children, disagreements between parents may arise.

If safe to do so, you should discuss your concerns with your co-parent in a calm and respectful manner. This is a difficult time for everyone, so try to approach these conversations with empathy and understanding.

Both parents should refer to the same credible information about the vaccine, and seek professional advice from a trusted GP or specialist immunisation service. 

If you’re struggling to communicate respectfully or reach an agreement, mediation services or Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) may be a helpful option.

Our practitioners explain what mediation involves and how it can be beneficial in this blog post: What is Mediation?

 

Can I take my co-parent to court over the COVID vaccine?

If you’re unable to reach an agreement with your co-parent following mediation or FDR, going to court may be a last resort. This option can be greatly emotionally and financially taxing, so it’s best avoided wherever possible.

Further information, advice or referral to telephone-based dispute resolution services can be found on Family Relationships Online or by calling the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321.

 

I have to isolate and can’t follow our Family Court Orders, but my co-parent is pressuring me to follow them. What should I do?

If COVID-19 health directives interfere with court orders, as a first step, and if it is safe to do so, you should discuss the situation with the other parent to see if you can agree on changes to your parenting arrangements.

If you’ve received written directives to isolate, it may also help to share these with the other parent.

Parents or carers must act reasonably at all times. If a Court Order isn’t followed, the Court will consider whether the person had a reasonable excuse for not complying with Court Orders. A reasonable excuse may include that it was necessary to protect the health and safety of a person.

Every family’s situation is unique, so you may like to obtain independent legal advice from a family lawyer to help you understand your legal responsibilities.

 

Our orders can’t be followed as one parent/guardian isn’t vaccinated. What should we do?

If you have concerns that you or the other parent can’t follow your parenting orders due to vaccination status, you should seek independent legal advice from a Family Lawyer.

 

Can the Police enforce our parenting orders if they’re not being followed?

No. State police aren’t able to enforce parenting orders and are unable to get involved unless there are serious safety concerns for the child.

Parenting orders can only be enforced in the Court where they were made. If you’re concerned that a party may have breached a parenting order, your first step should be to engage in mediation and/or seek legal advice.

If you believe your children are in immediate danger, please contact the police in your state on 000. 

 

Helpful Resources for Parents

We have more tips for co-parenting during COVID here: Co-Parenting During COVID-19

Tips for Parents Struggling During COVID

Posted on by admin

COVID has caused stress and burnout for a lot of parents. Lockdowns and home-schooling had us scrambling to keep our kids safe and entertained while we tried to hold onto our own sanity.

And even as restrictions ease and vaccine rates rise, the domino effects of COVID are still taking a toll on parents.

Raising kids is tough enough without the added challenges of the pandemic. You might be weighed down by uncertainty about the future. Maybe you have a newfound anxiety around your children’s health and hygiene. Or perhaps, like many, you’re simply exhausted by the increased time spent together in close quarters.

We hope this advice helps if you’re struggling with parental burnout during COVID.

 

Signs you might be struggling

While parenting is innately tough a lot of the time, these signs may indicate your mental health is suffering and you need some extra TLC.

  • Feeling tired and overwhelmed most of the time
  • Feeling more irritable and impatient than usual
  • Emotionally distancing yourself from your children
  • Feeling like you’re failing at parenting
  • Changes in your usual sleeping and/or eating patterns
  • Losing interest in hobbies and interests you normally enjoy
  • Wanting to isolate from the people around you
  • Having a strong lack of motivation and/or energy
  • Feeling hopeless and/or depressed
  • Using alcohol/drugs more than usual
  • Neglecting your own hygiene and appearance.

 

Looking after yourself

Here are some ways to manage stress and avoid burnout when you’re feeling overwhelmed as a parent.

Lean on your support networks

It’s not always easy to stick your hand up and say you need help – especially when it comes to parenting. But asking for and accepting help from loved ones can lighten the load and make a huge difference for you and your whole family.

Maybe you need a hand with practical day-to-day tasks, or maybe you just need another parent to vent with. Whatever they can do to make things a little easier, don’t be afraid to reach out and keep your support network close.

Prioritise downtime

We get it: parenting is a 24-hour gig. But self-care doesn’t have to take up hours of your time.

Even just a 30-minute read before bed or 10-minute meditation and/or cup of tea in silence can make all the difference to help you feel grounded and calm your nervous system.

Making the time for self-care is half the battle – feeling guilty about it is a whole other ballgame. Try to remind yourself that you’ll be a better parent for it, and you’ll be modelling the importance of self-care to your children.

Seek professional help

If you’re struggling to cope on your own, speaking to a counsellor can be a positive first step to addressing your mental health.

Talking to a counsellor in person, over the phone, or over Zoom can help you make sense of your feelings and identify potential solutions. You can learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

You can find more tips to manage your mental health during COVID in this blog post written by one of our mental health professionals.