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Category: Family & Parenting

How to Be a Good Dad

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Dads and stepdads play a big part in kids’ lives. But what does it mean to be a good dad today?

The role of a father has changed a lot over the years, with dads playing a more active role in parenting than ever before.

Whether you’re about to become a new father or you’re looking to improve your relationship with your children, we hope our advice for dads helps you be a supportive and nurturing father.

We recognise that there are many types of parents and father figures, as well as different styles of parenting. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach to raising children, but we hope these tips help if relevant to you.

 

Prioritise Quality Time

One of the best fathering tips is to simply spend time with your kids. It’s true what they say – they grow up before you know it! So make the most of their younger years by making as many memories as you can.

Make an effort to talk to them and get to know them. Ask them questions about their interests and ideas. Being a hands-on dad means more than just showing up – you need to be present and engaged.

 

Discipline with Love

As tempting as it is to just be the ‘fun dad’ and act like their friend, this approach can lead to issues down the road. That’s not to say you can’t play with your kids, have fun and joke around, but you also need to provide positive guidance and fair discipline to help establish boundaries and responsibility.

When it comes to discipline, remember to set clear and consistent rules and explain them to your kids in an age-appropriate manner.

 

Be a Good Role Model

Parents are children’s main teachers in life. Not only do you have to teach them basic skills, but it’s your job to show them right from wrong and encourage them to make good choices. You can do this by modelling positive behaviour yourself.

Remember that whatever you say and do is on display for your children to see, and what they grow up seeing becomes their idea of ‘normal’.

 

Eat Together as a Family

Research shows fewer families are sitting down to eat dinner together these days, despite 78% of Australians agreeing dinnertime is the greatest family connector.

Eating dinner together at the table is a great way to make sure you’re getting a chunk of quality time every day. Turn off the TV, put your phone on silent, and give them your full attention.

 

Respect the Other Parent

Whether you’re still together or not, it’s important to show respect for your child’s other parent/caretaker. Communicate with them in a respectful manner, and avoid speaking negatively about them in front of your kids.

Kids learn a lot from their parents’ relationship, and this can influence how they treat people and how they’re willing to be treated in their own relationships when they’re older. Try to set a good example of what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like.

Co-parenting with an ex? Check out our tips to make joint custody work.

 

RAQ offers a range of Men and Family Relationship services to help men build and maintain strong relationships with their children, partner, family and friends.

These services include counselling, family dispute resolution, assistance on relationship and parenting matters, and education courses on relationship issues and personal growth. You can learn more or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

Signs of Postnatal Depression

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Having a baby is stressful. From the surge in hormones to the sleep deprivation, it’s no wonder new mothers feel like they’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

But while it’s normal for mums to feel stressed and even teary and sensitive for a couple of weeks after baby has arrived, if these ‘baby blues’ symptoms continue or worsen, it may be a sign of postpartum depression – a much different phenomenon than postpartum blues.

Postpartum or postnatal depression (PND) is a serious mental health condition that impacts 1 in 7 women who give birth in Australia every year. It’s not limited to just mums, either. Fathers can also be at risk of PND, with up to 1 in 10 new dads experiencing depression during the pregnancy or after the birth.

It’s important to know the difference between baby blues and postnatal depression by familiarising yourself with common PND symptoms. Learning the signs of PND can be the first step to helping you or someone you know during this difficult time.

 

PND Symptoms

People can experience PND differently. It can take just a few days or several weeks for a new mother to develop PND, and it can range from a mild feeling of sadness to debilitating depression. New fathers are more prone to developing PND if their partner has it.

While the exact cause of PND is unknown, the physical, emotional and social changes that come with having a baby can definitely contribute.

Some of the common signs and symptoms of PND include:

  • Feeling exhausted and having very low energy
  • Having a very low mood a lot of the time
  • Irritability and tearfulness
  • Loss of confidence and self-esteem
  • Feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope
  • Feeling inadequate and a failure as a parent
  • Sense of hopelessness about the future
  • Feeling guilty, ashamed or worthless
  • Feeling anxious or panicky
  • Having trouble sleeping or sleeping for too long
  • Worrying excessively about their baby
  • Feeling scared of being alone or going out
  • Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
  • Changes in appetite, either not eating or overeating
  • Low sex drive
  • Loss of interest in normal activities
  • Withdrawing from close friends and family
  • Not looking after themselves
  • Finding it hard to get moving each day
  • Struggling with everyday tasks like cooking or shopping
  • Thoughts of harming self and/or baby.

 

How to Support Someone with PND

Seeing someone you care about struggle with PND can be painful. You might feel helpless and not know what to do, but there are a few ways to offer support and show you care.

Provide emotional support

It’s common for people to get excited about the baby and forget to ask how the mum/parents are doing. Don’t forget to check in regularly and be willing to listen. Simply lending an ear when they need to vent can make a huge difference.

Many new parents feel guilty opening up about the difficulties they’re facing, so if your loved one trusts you enough to share how they’re feeling, listen with empathy and understanding. Validate their feelings and let them know they’re doing a great job despite how hard it is.

Offer practical help

If there’s one thing new parents have in common, it’s that they could use a hand. Some new parents might feel uncomfortable or guilty asking for help. They might consider themselves ‘failures’ for not being able to handle everything on their own. But there’s a reason the proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” has stuck around for so long.

Help with practical tasks like cooking, cleaning and watching the baby to give them a chance to sleep, shower, or simply eat a meal with two hands. Ask if they need help with any errands outside the home, such as picking up medication or grocery shopping. Anything you can do to lighten their load will help.

 

Help for PND

There are several treatment options for people experiencing postnatal depression. If you’re worried you or someone you know has PND, a GP can talk to you about a treatment plan appropriate for your situation. This might include a mental health care plan and referral to see a mental health professional, or medication that’s safe to take during pregnancy and breastfeeding.

Our professional counsellors assist individuals, couples and families with a range of issues including anxiety, depression, relationship problems and parenting issues. You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Discover the common relationship problems after having a baby and how to handle them in this blog post.

How to Make Joint Child Custody Work

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Co-parenting can be challenging – especially if things with your former spouse didn’t end well.

You might be stressed about money, worried about your ex’s parenting abilities, or simply tired of conflict. While it may be tricky for you to navigate this new arrangement, it’s important to remember that it’s not easy on your child, either. And it’s your job to do everything you can to help them adjust and thrive in their new ‘normal’.

Learn how to share custody of a child and make the transition as smooth as possible with these tips.

 

Always put the child first

Your relationship may be over, but your family isn’t.

No matter how stressful or frustrating it can be, it’s important to put your own emotions aside for the sake of your child. Conflict between parents can be hurtful for a child to witness – particularly if they feel like it’s their fault their parents are fighting.

Maintaining a civil co-parenting relationship is key. This means being flexible and cooperative when making shared decisions around your child’s care. Avoid making demands out of spite, and always keep your child’s best interests at heart to ensure arrangements are made with their wellbeing and stability in mind. Keep conversations focused on your child’s needs, not yours or your ex’s.

 

Co-parent as a team

It’s essential that you work together as a team when it comes to your child. Maintaining consistency with rules and discipline between both homes helps your child avoid confusion and know what’s expected of them.

If your child has lost privileges in one household, the other should follow through with this discipline. It’s important to present as a united front so your child knows you and your co-parent are on the same page.

If you’re struggling to agree on arrangements, you might like to try mediation. Mediation can help you communicate respectfully, navigate conflict, and come to a mutually acceptable solution.

 

Maintain routine where you can

Routine makes children feel safe. While their new ‘normal’ might come with some changes, it’s important to try and maintain a routine where you can.

Stay consistent with set days spent with each parent. Keep days structured with regular mealtimes and bedtimes across each household. Agree on meeting at the same place for every drop-off and pickup.

While you may need to be flexible at times, try to keep your joint child custody arrangements as predictable as possible, and remember to keep your child in the loop with as much notice as possible when things change.

 

Don’t put your child in the middle

No matter what your personal relationship is like, it’s essential to keep any issues with your co-parent away from your child. The last thing a child wants is to feel like they have to pick a side with their parents.

Avoid speaking negatively about your ex around your child. Your child deserves a relationship with their other parent, and complaining about them could unfairly influence their feelings. If you need to vent your frustrations or talk through your concerns, speak to a trusted friend or professional.

You should also avoid using your child as a messenger to get information to your ex. Always call, text, or email them directly. Seeing your relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your child’s welfare can help you communicate in a civil and respectful manner.

 

Having a hard time agreeing on joint child custody arrangements? RAQ offers support for families who are considering separation, currently going through separation, or who have already separated. To find out what services might suit you, please call us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm Monday-Friday or 10am-4pm Saturday.

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Foster Parenting Tips

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Thinking of opening your home and heart to a foster child for the short-term or long-term?

Becoming a foster parent is a big step. The journey of a foster carer can have its challenges, but it can also be one of the most rewarding and worthwhile things you ever do.

If you’re a new foster parent feeling nervous about your first placement, we hope these foster parenting tips help you feel a little more prepared.

 

Provide their creature comforts

Along with the basics like clean clothes and personal hygiene items, make them feel as welcome as possible by providing their preferred creature comforts. Ask them what their favourite meals and snacks are, and if they’d like a night light or noise machine to sleep.

These small additions can make a huge difference for your foster child, helping them feel at home faster.

 

Give them time and space

It’s normal for foster carers to want to be there for their foster children right away. But it can take time for children to feel comfortable opening up – especially in an unfamiliar environment.

Give them time and space to get comfortable with their new home and with you. Let them know you’re there for them when they need you, but don’t push them to tell you about their past or how they’re feeling.

 

Establish a routine

Foster children often come from unsafe, abusive, or negligent backgrounds. They may have lived in chaotic environments where they didn’t know what was going to happen next.

The stability and predictability of a routine can help them feel safe and reduce their stress – and it can also teach and create boundaries. Establish a daily schedule and let them know what’s planned so they know what to expect.

 

Be flexible with your expectations

You might dream of taking a foster child under your wing, helping them turn their life around and thrive in school and social circles. But it’s important to remember that they’ve likely been through a lot, and they may not achieve the milestones you’ve set for them on your timeline – or ever.

Don’t get too attached to your expectations or how you’d like your time together to go. Instead, be patient and understanding, and support your foster child to do their best at their own pace.

 

Seek professional help if needed

Your foster child might need extra support processing their trauma and feelings. A professional counsellor can help them explore their emotions and deal with their concerns in a supportive and confidential environment.

This applies to you, too. Caring for a child in need can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Remember to look after yourself and talk to a professional if you need to.

You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

 

How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Adult Children

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Navigating a relationship with adult children can be tricky. When they were kids, you knew what your responsibilities were. You provided them with basic needs such as food, clothes, and medical care, as well as a safe and supportive environment to grow up in. They relied on you for everything.

But what happens when your kids become independent adults who don’t really need you anymore?

Whether they’re learning to walk, heading off to their first day of school, or moving into their first rental, they’ll always be your children. But as your kids mature, your relationship needs to mature, too.

We provide some tips to adapt to your new dynamic and foster a good relationship with your adult children.

 

Let them go and respect new boundaries

It’s normal for emerging adults to pull away from their parents a little in order to define their identity and build independence. Support your grown kids to stand on their own feet, and respect this increased need for privacy.

It may be tempting to call them several times a day or show up to their place unannounced, but a lack of respect for boundaries can damage your relationship.

Letting go can be hard, but it’s an essential building block for a healthy parent-grown-child relationship.

 

Don’t offer advice unless asked

Part of growing up is learning to make your own decisions. You may have had reign over what they wore, ate, and did when they were younger, but now your kids are adults, you’ll need to break away from that role.

Avoid the urge to express your opinion or judgement, as this can be hurtful and drive them away. Let them do things their way, respect their viewpoint, and don’t offer any unsolicited advice.

 

Give them positive feedback and validation

Children want to make their parents proud, even when they’re all grown up. It’s important to celebrate their independence and let them know they’re doing a good job.

Positive feedback such as “your new place looks great” or “I’m so proud of you for being independent” can provide the validation young adults need to build confidence.

 

Find fun ways to spend time together

When you live together, ‘family time’ happens naturally. But when your kids grow up, you may need to get creative to spend time together outside of the fortnightly Sunday roast.

Embrace this opportunity to form a friendship with your child, and do the things you love together. Whether it’s cooking, exercising, watching sport, or going to the cinema, find activities to connect and converse over.

 

Don’t guilt them

Children need independence to succeed, and resisting their autonomy or being too emotionally needy can drive a wedge between you.

Don’t guilt them about moving out of home, or not visiting or calling enough. This can make visiting or calling you feel like an obligation or chore. Chances are your adult kids are busy with work, relationships, and other responsibilities. Be realistic about where you fit into your child’s life now they’re all grown up, and make the most of the time you do have together.

 

If you need support dealing with or resolving concerns around relationships, parenting, or other issues, our counsellors can help. Learn more about our counselling services and how to book an appointment here.

Are you having a tough time coping with your kids living out of home? You might find our tips for dealing with empty nest syndrome helpful.

Dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome

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So the kids have flown the coop and you’re adjusting to an empty home.

Being a parent can define your life and your identity, and it’s normal to feel some sadness and loss when your children grow up and move out.

If you’re having a particularly difficult time coping with your kids moving out of the family home, you may be experiencing empty nest syndrome.

Some common signs of empty nest syndrome might include:

  • A sense of loss of purpose and/or identity
  • Excessive anxiety about your children’s welfare
  • Feelings of rejection or isolation
  • Feeling overly emotional or depressed
  • Increased marital stress.

We hope our advice helps you adjust to the new normal when your kids leave home.

 

Find new challenges

Having kids in the house can take a lot of time out of your day, no matter their age. Now you’re no longer sharing a roof and you have some spare time on your hands, why not explore new interests and prioritise your passions?

Start a new hobby, join a club, volunteer, begin a course, or tackle that home reno project. This is a great time to reconnect with who you were before all your time and energy went into your kids. It’s also a great way to redirect your focus and find a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

 

Stay in touch while respecting boundaries

Just because you no longer live together doesn’t mean you can’t continue to be close with your kids. Sure, your relationship might change as they enter adulthood, and the family dynamic might shift as they become more independent. But once you accept that they need to stand on their own two feet, you can begin to embrace your new relationship and friendship.

Make an effort to maintain regular contact through texts, calls, and visits. Just be sure to respect their boundaries and privacy, e.g. resist the urge to check in too much, and avoid dropping by unexpectedly.

 

Reconnect with your spouse

Remember the days when it was just the two of you? You could go to the cinema without coordinating a babysitter. You could go out to dinner without worrying about a meal for the kids. You could have a weekend away without obsessing over what was going on back at home.

It’s normal for families to centre their activities around their kids, but now you’re down to a twosome again, it’s the perfect opportunity to rediscover all the things you loved to do together.

And if you don’t have a spouse, celebrate your newfound freedom by reaching out to friends and filling your social calendar. Or simply embrace the opportunity to have more time to yourself.

 

Let yourself grieve

It’s normal to feel sad when your children move away. Don’t try and speed up or skip over your recovery period – be kind to yourself and make time for self-care while you’re healing. This might include relaxation techniques like meditation, walking outdoors, and confiding in loved ones.

If you’re struggling with extreme empty nest depression or grief, you might find it helpful to speak to a professional. RAQ offers confidential counselling for individuals, couples, and families in a supportive and respectful environment. You can learn more about our counselling services and how to book here.

Are you worried about your elderly parents?

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It can be hard to watch our parents getting old. We grew up believing they were our indestructible protectors, and seeing their hair turn grey and their mobility decline can be a tough reality to face.

While it’s natural to worry about your parents ageing and the challenges that may arise, doing this constantly can take a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

We offer some advice to support your parents through later life, and hopefully provide some peace of mind to yours.

 

Talk to them about the future

It’s never too early to talk to your parents about what they’d like for their senior years and beyond.

Some questions to ask might include:

  • Is your Will up to date, and where can it be found?
  • Who will be your durable power of attorney?
  • How would you like to be cared for if you require support?
  • What type of funeral or memorial service would you prefer?

These may be hard conversations to have, but they’re essential to ensure your parents’ wishes are honoured down the track. Knowing what your parents want before the time comes can provide clarity and comfort for you and them.

 

Ask them about the past

As well as making plans for the future, now is the time to ask your ageing parents all those questions you’ve been meaning to ask about their past.

A common regret for family who’ve lost a loved one is not finding time to ask about their past experiences, memories, hopes, dreams, and regrets. Maybe it’s because our parents are the most familiar people to us, and we’ve known them our whole lives. But how well do you actually know your parents as people, before they were ‘mum’ or ‘dad’?

Some conversation starters might include:

  • What was your childhood like?
  • Did you like school?
  • Who influenced you most as a child, teen, and adult?
  • Who was your first love?
  • What world events had the biggest impact on you?
  • What are you most proud of?

Asking your parents about their lives before you came along can help you grow closer and ensure their favourite stories remain a part of their legacy. Plus, your parents will probably love the opportunity to reflect on their past experiences to an eager audience.

 

Take turns checking in on them

As your parents get older, you may feel a sense of responsibility to visit and call them every day. But this can be an unrealistic expectation, especially if you have your hands full with a job and kids of your own.

Organise with other family members to rotate visits and phone calls to ensure your parents have regular contact with loved ones, and no potential problems go unnoticed.

This will give you peace of mind that they’re being checked in on, without putting pressure on yourself to take sole responsibility. You might even like to come up with a roster of designated days when you each visit or call.

 

Take them to appointments

There are a number of reasons why it’s a good idea to accompany your elderly parents to their medical appointments.

They may have a hearing deficit that makes it hard for them to understand what medical professionals are saying, and be too shy to ask for things to be repeated. They may not feel comfortable asking questions around their options, and simply agree with whatever is being suggested. Maybe they rely on public transport and don’t keep up with their appointments as they should. Or perhaps they’re simply not relaying the ‘whole story’ about their health conditions to the people they care about.

If your parents consent to you taking them to appointments, this can help remove these communication and logistical obstacles. It’s also a great way to spend more time with your parents and be involved in their lives. You could even make it an enjoyable routine by treating them to coffee at a café afterward.

Relationships Australia Qld offers support to older people in Queensland to plan for the future and make important decisions. Learn about our range of free services aimed at providing education, advice, and referrals here.

New Baby, New Relationship Problems?

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They tell you it’s going to be hard. They tell you about the sleepless nights, the spontaneous tears, and the guilt that you’re not doing it right, or not doing enough.

But what about the relationship changes that a new baby can bring?

Maybe you’re arguing more than ever. Maybe the romance seems out of reach. Or maybe you feel a distance between each other you’ve never felt before.

Every relationship changes after adding a baby to the equation. And while it might feel like things will never go back to the way they were, the good news is, it does get better.

If you’re experiencing these common relationship stresses after having a baby, please know that you’re not alone.

 

Communication Breakdown

Has your communication become transactional and all about baby? Missing the days of stimulating conversation and flirtatious banter?

As your days and nights revolve around feeding, changing, and consoling your new recruit, you probably don’t have the time or energy to focus on nurturing your relationship right now. This can make you feel disconnected and distant.

Try to find time each day to talk about the things you used to, keeping baby talk off the table. It doesn’t matter whether it’s idle gossip, politics, or your thoughts on the TV series you binge while you’re stuck under a cluster-feeding baby at 2am. Schedule this baby-free banter into your phone as a daily reminder if you have to.

 

Lack of Intimacy

Most new parents will experience a loss of sexual intimacy, with fantasies about sex being replaced with fantasies about sleep. There are several reasons why couples might feel their relationship has no room for romance after baby.

There’s the sleep deprivation thing, for a start. If you’re not sleeping in shifts and actually manage to jump in the sheets at the same time, you’re likely exhausted.

It can take months for new mums to recover after childbirth. And even once women have physically healed, they may feel ‘touched out’ from all the endless contact with bub, which can inhibit their desire to be intimate with a partner.

There are other ways to maintain intimacy and feel close to your partner, such as holding hands, cuddling, and looking into each other’s eyes. You could also up the words of affirmation in your relationship in place of physical touch, expressing romantic feelings with an “I love you” or an unprompted “You look great today”.

 

Division of Domestic Duties

Babies may be tiny, but they bring with them a big list of additional household chores. Sure, you did the laundry and dishes and vacuuming before, but they were never as urgent as they are with an infant.

The unequal division of domestic labour has long been a common issue among couples. It’s no secret women generally take on more than their fair share of the housework (even if they work the same amount of hours as their partner), but research shows this inequality gets worse after baby comes.

Both partners should work together to divide chores and childcare duties fairly. This would ideally be discussed and sorted before birth, but it’s never too late to sit down together and decide on a system that works for you both.

 

Financial Priorities

Raising a human is expensive. Initial big-ticket items like a bassinet, cot, car seat, pram, and change table quickly add up, and ongoing costs like nappies, food, medical expenses, and day care also take their toll.

Money is one of the biggest stressors for many couples. Research shows more than half (52%) of Aussie couples argue about money. It’s no surprise finances and who pays for what can cause tension between new parents who are adapting to living on one income and may not have the freedom to splurge on unnecessary items without a second thought.

This is why it’s a good idea to trial living on one income for a few months before baby comes to get used to living within your new means. A shared budget spreadsheet couldn’t hurt, either.

 

Opposing Parenting Styles

It’s hard to know how you’ll feel about sleep training, dummies, and discipline until you’re a parent making the big decisions.

Some first-time parents find they’re not as in sync with their partner’s parenting style as they thought they’d be. This can lead to some raised eyebrows and heated arguments.

While you may need to agree on some things for consistency’s sake, there are other times when you may need to relent control and bite your tongue. If the to-dos are getting ticked off and your little one is healthy and happy, it doesn’t always matter whether your partner is doing things the way you would or not.

Having a hard time? We offer counselling for individuals and couples to facilitate discussion and explore issues such as conflict, intimacy problems, parenting issues, and depression. Learn more and book an appointment here.

Relationships Australia provides more helpful advice for new parents in this tips sheet.

How to Help a Teenager Build Self-Esteem

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It’s tough being a teen. Even kids who seemed confident during childhood may struggle with physical changes, confusing emotions, and social pressures throughout adolescence.

Teenagers might feel self-conscious about their appearance, question their abilities, and stress about decisions for their future. This period of intense physical and emotional growth can be overwhelming for both teens and their parents/caregivers.

With the right support, you can help your self-conscious teenager navigate these formative years and grow into a confident young adult.

 

Model Confidence

One of the best ways to help build a teenager’s confidence is to show them what confidence looks like. Face new challenges with courage, avoid making critical statements about yourself and others, and show resilience when you make mistakes.

Demonstrate the importance of being happy within yourself instead of relying on other people or external circumstances for happiness. This is an important lesson for teens to learn, as they can be especially dependent on their peers (and romantic relationships) during this time.

 

Promote Positive Self-Talk

A toxic inner monologue can have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves – whatever our age.

If your teen is constantly thinking and speaking negatively about themselves, it can really eat away at their self-esteem. Self-conscious teenagers tend to put themselves down, catastrophise (or jump to worst-case scenario), and focus on the negatives.

Encourage positive self-talk and teach your teen how to reframe irrational, unhelpful thoughts. For example, try replacing “She didn’t text me back – she must not like me anymore” with “She must be too busy to text right now, and that has nothing to do with me as a person”. Instead of “I’m going to fail this test because I’m not smart enough”, try “I can pass this test if I study hard and try my best”.

 

Encourage Them to try New Things

Learning new things and engaging in diverse activities and interests can help teens gain a sense of purpose and build their confidence.

Encourage your teenager to explore new opportunities and develop new skills by picking up a hobby or sport. This will also give them a chance to expand their social circle and meet likeminded people outside of their friendship group at school.

 

Commend Effort Over Outcome

We can control our effort, but we can’t always control the outcome. Teach your teen about the importance of trying their best rather than putting all the focus on whether they succeed or not.

For example, instead of praising them for doing well on a test, tell them how proud you are of them for studying and preparing for the test. Emphasise their hard work and perseverance so they know it’s OK if things don’t go the way they hoped, as long as they did their best.

 

Listen Without Lecturing

While it may be tempting to jump in and offer advice or fix your teenager’s problems, this can actually hinder their ability to find their own solutions and grow through experience.

Sometimes we just need a good vent, and opening up about our problems isn’t always an invitation for advice. Let them know they can come to you to work through their issues and options without getting a lecture.

 

Practise Social Skills

If your teen gets nervous in social situations or has trouble asserting themselves, try a little role play. Create a safe space for them to practise approaching someone and starting a conversation, focusing on the basics such as posture, body language, and showing an interest in others.

Give them a chance to rehearse difficult conversations with peers or teachers to help them build their confidence for the real thing.

 

Our friendly and professional counsellors have experience with a wide range of issues such as self-esteem, body image, bullying, anxiety and depression. You can learn more about our counselling services and make an appointment here.