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Category: Friends and friendships

How to be supportive when a friend comes out to you

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“My friend came out to me – what do I say?”

This question is more common than you may think.

‘Coming out’ – or more recently called ‘inviting in’ – refers to someone in the LGBTQIA+ communities self-disclosing their sexual or gender identity.

Knowing what to say when someone comes out to you can be difficult. Everyone has different experiences and needs, and there’s no one-fits-all perfect response.

We offer some suggestions to help your loved one feel supported and seen during and after this important conversation.

 

Be Affirming and Thank Them for Telling You

It can take a lot of bravery to come out to someone.

LGBTQIA+ identifying people may hesitate to self-disclose due to:

  • Fear of being shunned or judged
  • Fear of violence and backlash
  • Fear of losing relationships because of who they are.

It’s an honour to have someone feel safe enough to share that part of themselves, so be sure to acknowledge this by thanking them for telling you.

Affirm the importance of their identity and let them know you’ll be there to support them. Tell them you accept and respect who they are, and this doesn’t change or affect your relationship.

 

Mirror Their Energy

Your reaction isn’t just about what you say, but how you say it.

Let your friend set the tone of the conversation, and try to react similarly to how you were told.

If they broke the news in a casual way, you can react casually. It doesn’t always need to be a big, emotional moment – your friend may be more comfortable keeping it relaxed.

But if they deliver the news as a significant moment with a lot of emotion, you can treat it as such by responding with a lot of empathy, support, and gratitude. You might even want to offer them a hug or high-five depending on your relationship.

 

Respect Their Confidentiality

If someone chooses to share the news of who they are with you, it’s important to remember this is very personal. Let your friend know you understand this is not your story to tell, and you can and will keep this to yourself.

Coming out is a big decision for a lot of people in the LGBTQIA+ communities, and it’s their right to come out to or ‘invite in’ who they choose, when they choose.

 

Stay Educated on LGBTQIA+ Issues

Saying the right thing is not the first and last step in being there for someone who has come out to you. It’s important to keep supporting them through their entire journey, and part of supporting is understanding.

You most likely won’t know everything then and there, and while asking them questions is great, you can and should do your own research. Understanding their identity better will help you to support them better.

You can also keep yourself educated and informed on what’s going on in the community, what issues they’re facing, and the importance of inclusion. Staying educated will help you be a genuine ally to your LGBTQIA+ friends.

 

If you’re having difficulty with coming to terms with or supporting someone through their coming out journey, you may find our counselling services helpful.

We also offer specialised counselling for people in the LGBTQIA+ communities. This may be helpful to recommend to a friend who has recently come out and needs some professional support.

For more tips to communicate and respond effectively, you may find this blog post helpful: How to Be a Good Listener | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)

Why it’s important to have friendships outside your relationship

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Friends aren’t just a nice bonus in life – they’re a key ingredient to our happiness and wellbeing.

While it’s not uncommon for some couples to spend all their time together in the early stages, neglecting friendships outside your romantic relationship can be unhealthy – and even dangerous.

If your partner doesn’t like you spending time with other people, this can be a sign of control and abuse.

We explore how maintaining friendships outside of your relationship can benefit both you and your relationship.

 

Improved Sense of Self

Your relationship should be just one part of a full and happy life – not your whole world.

Losing your friends can lead to losing yourself. Spending all your time with your partner can leave you socially isolated and codependent.

You might feel yourself getting ‘lost’ in the relationship, not knowing where you end and your partner begins. This can damage your sense of self and your self-worth.

Friendships can help you maintain your individual sense of identity and improve your self-esteem and self-compassion. They can also provide a fun and relaxing outlet unique to the dynamic in your relationship.

 

Better Mental and Physical Health

Years of mounting research shows our friendships help us live happier, healthier, and even longer lives.

Meanwhile, the health risks of loneliness are as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than the those associated with obesity.

Strong social connections have been found to:

  • Create a sense of belonging and purpose
  • Increase feelings of happiness and life satisfaction
  • Reduce our risk of heart disease, dementia, and other chronic diseases
  • Reduce our risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

 

Trustworthy Relationship Advice

All relationships need support from time to time, and it’s important you have someone to confide in who can provide an outside perspective.

Friends can offer a listening ear when we need advice about our relationship – or simply a safe outlet to vent.

Your friends have your best interests at heart and can often provide a different point of view on your relationship issues. This can be especially helpful if your feelings tend to cloud your judgement when it comes to your partner.

Insights from your friends can even help make you a better partner in your relationship as they can help increase your self-awareness and empathy.

 

Healthier Relationship

You can’t get everything you need from one person.

It’s unrealistic – and unfair – to expect your partner to be your entire emotional support system.

And it’s unhealthy for your partner to expect you to neglect your friendships for them. In fact, isolating you from your loved ones is a form of coercive control, a type of domestic abuse.

In a healthy and secure relationship, both partners will encourage each other to maintain their hobbies, social connections, and independence. The relationship benefits when both partners can thrive as individuals and respect each other’s right to do the same.

If you need some support to get to this point in your relationship, speaking to a professional counsellor can help. We can help you address underlying issues as a couple or on your own.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

Knowing your attachment style can help you better understand your behaviours in relationships. We explore in our blog post How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Relationship.

Why do I feel lonely even though I have friends?

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Australia is in a loneliness epidemic.

Relationships Australia’s Relationship Indicators 2022 survey revealed we’re lonelier than ever, showing almost a quarter (23.9%) of Australians are lonely.

Almost half (45.9%) of young people aged 18-24 reported feeling emotionally lonely.

Emotional loneliness is different to social loneliness. Social loneliness refers to the lack of a social network, while emotional loneliness is the lack of close emotional connection.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Anyone can experience loneliness, even if you have regular social interactions.

Maybe you feel drained after big events, or perhaps you don’t feel like you’ve found people who truly ‘get’ you yet. Either way, you might be wondering why you’re feeling alone in the world when you have people around you.

We explore some of the reasons why you might feel lonely even when you have friends.

 

Your connections are shallow

Spending time with surface-level friends can leave you feeling lonelier than if you’d just stayed at home by yourself.

Experts have found that too many shallow interactions can cause us to feel lonely and misunderstood.

Social Scientist Kasley Killam explains:

“Loneliness can arise from not feeling seen, understood, or validated. It can come from spending time with people who don’t share your values or interests. It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections.”

It doesn’t matter how many friends you have – if you don’t connect on a deeper level, they can leave you feeling unsatisfied and emotionally lonely.

It can take years – even decades – to truly find your people. This doesn’t need to be a group of people. It could be just one close friend who really gets you, shares your values and interests, and makes you feel truly understood and validated.

We explore ways to make deeper connections based on your values and interests in this blog post.

 

You’ve outgrown your friends

Not all friendships are made to last.

Many of us find those childhood friends or high school social groups might fizzle out as we mature and discover who we really are.

You might not share much in common anymore, and you may even find disagreements starting to arise as your values and beliefs take shape.

Outgrowing friendships is a normal part of life. It’s OK to stop reaching out to friends who no longer align with your values and don’t feel like a fulfilling or comfortable fit anymore.

We explore when to stop reaching out to a friend in this blog post.

 

You’re socialising wrong

There’s no right or wrong way to socialise. But if you feel drained and overwhelmed after hanging out in a big group of people, it might be a sign to change the way you spend time with the people you care about.

Whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between, the way we socialise can have a significant impact on our energy levels and how connected we feel to the people we spend time with.

You might find it more fulfilling to catch up with friends one at a time in a quiet setting where you can have more intimate conversations and build closeness.

 

You’re not being yourself

It’s hard to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance when you don’t know who you are – or you’re changing parts of your personality to appease the people you’re with.

If you find you have to hide or change things about yourself, or you’re walking on eggshells around people, it might be worth considering how healthy and genuine those friendships really are.

For example, if you’re a parent but none of your friends have an interest in children, you might not feel comfortable sharing that (massive) part of your life. Avoiding that topic may feel inauthentic and isolating for you.

Some friendships can do more harm than good for our self-esteem and wellbeing. If you’re not being yourself and staying true to your identity and values, you’ll likely feel a disconnect.

 

You’re struggling mentally

If you’re feeling lonely or detached from the people you care about, it could be a sign that something else is going on for you.

Maybe you’re going through a tough time mentally right now, you’re feeling burnt out from school, work, or parenting, or you’re just generally overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life. And that’s OK.

We can’t always be our most sociable and energetic selves. But if you’re finding yourself withdrawing from friends and family or struggling with feelings of loneliness, chances are there could be something deeper beneath the surface.

Speaking to a professional counsellor can help you sort through these feelings in a safe, judgement-free space, and find healthy ways to cope.

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services.

We explore some of the potential causes of disconnection and signs of social withdrawal, and offer advice to nurture fulfilling connections here.

Benefits of befriending your neighbour in your older age

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As you age, there are so many benefits to having friends you can socialise with.

Have you ever thought that there can be a potential friend right next door? 28% of seniors say that community groups, such as those within their neighbourhood, play an important role in their life.

In this blog post, we’ll explore some great benefits of befriending your neighbour.

 

1.      Socialisation

In older age, socialisation contributes greatly to both physical and mental health.

Being social benefits the likes of your self-esteem, your sleep, and your memory. You’ll also be at decreased risk for illness, heart problems, high blood pressure, dementia, depression, and anxiety.

Intergenerational friendships can be mutually beneficial. Socialising with your neighbour will stimulate your brain and give you someone to pass down life lessons, wisdom, and stories to.

Meanwhile, your friendship can help your younger neighbour learn to embrace ageing and to break down their stereotypes about older people.

 

2.      Learning from the younger generation

While wisdom comes with age, the younger generation still has a lot to teach us.

For example, your younger neighbour may give you some insight into smartphones and technology, which enables you to stay connected with your own family and friends.

 

3.      Help with small jobs

As we age, our abilities naturally change. It’s handy to have someone next door who would be happy to do small jobs, such as changing out a lightbulb or putting away groceries.

Though your friendly neighbour will probably not expect anything of you in return for these tasks, good deeds like this are often in exchange for your friendship and kindness.

 

4.      Carpooling and shopping

While of course your neighbour is not your chauffeur or your personal shopper, your neighbour may be happy to pick up something for you on their trip to the grocery shop.

You could also carpool with them to events like weekly religious services or a local community meeting. Carpooling together is an opportunity to have conversations or to introduce each other to your favourite music.

Your younger neighbour is likely to feel good about helping, while for you, learning to ask for help is an important skill.

 

5.      In case of emergencies

In case of a fall or any other emergency, it would be extremely handy to have someone just next door to help.

Offer your name and number in exchange for your neighbour’s, so that both of you can contact the other in the event of an emergency.

 

6.      Exchanging meals and recipes

Whether it’s a cultural dish or a secret family recipe, cooking for someone else is sure to warm the heart. Bringing over a meal is a lovely way to introduce yourself to your neighbour and spark up a friendship.

Exchanging meals and recipes with a neighbour is a perfect bonding activity that will teach you new dishes and give you a chance to chat over mealtime.

 

7.      Gets you outside more

Even if it’s just sitting on your front porch, being outside creates opportunities for social interaction – especially with your neighbours.

Being friends with those living around you can get you outdoors more for your daily chats or to attend events that your neighbours may start inviting you to.

Spending time outdoors has been shown to increase confidence in seniors, and one of the reasons is the greater exposure to social interactions.

Australia’s annual Neighbour Day occurs at the end of every March. It’s the perfect excuse to introduce yourself to your neighbours and to form new friendships.

 

We offer some ideas on ways to meet your neighbours in our blog post, 5 Ways to Build Community in Your Neighbourhood.

Relationships Australia Queensland’s Senior Social Connection Program helps older Queenslanders in Sunshine Coast and Gympie to stay connected.

If you or an older person you know is feeling lonely or socially isolated, our Senior Relationships Services are here to help. You can learn more about our Senior Social Connection Program here, or call 1300 063 232 to make an appointment.

How to meet people in a new city

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You’ve done it! Moving to a new city is a huge accomplishment that takes a lot of courage.

Once you’ve visited all the top tourist attractions, found your new favourite coffee spot, and started to get a hang of commuting, meeting new friends is the most important step to make your new city feel like home.

You’ve got friends at home, but it’s important to meet new friends in your area to help you feel fulfilled and happy instead of lonely or homesick. But how do you meet people in a new city?

 

Connect with other expats and new arrivals

Chances are there are other transplants in your new city who are eager to make friends too.

For example, Brisbane is the fastest growing city in Australia, with new inhabitants flocking to the city from all over Australia and all over the world. The latest census shows that over a quarter of those living in Brisbane were born overseas.

There are a few ways to find others who are in a similar position to yourself. Look for Facebook and Meetup groups using keywords like “New to (new city)” or “Expats in (new city).”

If you’re missing home or want to connect with people from your area of the world, you might find Facebook groups like “Australians in Berlin”, for example.

These groups host social events, such as excursions and festivities, where everyone is eager to make new friends. You can even post a fun introduction to yourself in the group to spark conversation and start making plans with fellow group members.

 

Join local interest-based groups

Bonding over a shared interest makes making new friends much less scary, as you’ll already have something to talk about and do together.

Again, social apps like Facebook and Meetup have local groups for all kinds of interests. You can search based on your location and your hobbies, like photography or hiking. These groups host activities that promote socialising based around your shared interest, such as a hiking daytrip or a photography walk.

You could also search online for local groups, teams, or classes, like a local community sports team, a book club, or a yoga or dance class.

 

Ask your current network

Sometimes the old phrase “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” can ring true.

The world can really be a small place, and you never know which of your friends may know someone in your new city.

Reaching out to friends with a “Hey, I’ve just moved to (new city), do you know anyone there that you could connect me with?” could result in new friendships that help you integrate into your new city.

 

Volunteer within the community

Volunteering is a wholesome way to meet new people in your city and to get to know more about your new home. Statistics show that 75.7% of Queensland’s adult population participated in volunteering in 2020. Volunteering events will allow you to meet other kind-hearted volunteers while making a meaningful impact.

Volunteers are always needed in settings like homeless shelters, animal shelters, and aged care. If you aren’t in a position where you can have a pet, volunteering in an animal shelter can fill that pawprint-shaped hole in your heart. Volunteering with the homeless or in aged care will help you feel more connected to the community, and you’re sure to hear important stories and make beautiful memories.

 

Post a TikTok

TikTok shows you videos it thinks you’ll be interested in based on a variety of factors, such as your age and your location. As a social media platform, it can help you meet new people.

You can try posting a short video introducing yourself, saying you’re new to the city and looking to make some friends. You could say where you’re from and list some of your hobbies.

Let TikTok work its magic in connecting you with like-minded locals.

As always, practise internet safety and be sure not to give out personal details.

 

Reach out to your neighbours

Sometimes it’s fun to be the new kid on the block.

Introducing yourself to your neighbours can help you feel more at home in your new city. “I just moved here from X” is an easy icebreaker.

After you’ve started to settle in to your new home, you could throw a housewarming party or a potluck dinner to invite your neighbours to.

Moving to a new city is a huge transition, and it’s normal to feel nervous or anxious. Our team is here to help you work through your feelings and find solutions. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer some more helpful advice on making friends as an adult in this blog post.

Can you be friends with your ex?

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It’s a question as old as time.

Before you consider whether you can (or want to) be friends with a past partner, you should ask yourself why you have friends and what you get from your friendships.

Can your ex fulfil these needs and expectations as a friend? Do you already have enough people in your life who do?

There’s a difference between being friends and being friendly. It’s OK to stay in touch with an ex without having to force a friendship if it doesn’t serve you.

While it may be possible to be friends with an ex, whether it’s a good idea or not will depend on the situation and the people involved.

We look at situations where it may be possible to have a healthy, genuine friendship with an ex – and when it might be better to cut ties.

 

When it might work

Again, it all depends on your individual circumstances and dynamic. But these are some situations where it might be possible to have a healthy friendship with your ex.

You were friends before you dated

It’s easier to go back to being friends if your foundation was initially built on friendship.

If you miss the friendship and not the romance, this is a good sign you may be able to be in each other’s lives as friends again.

You ended on safe and respectful terms

No breakup is free of negative feelings. But your breakup should have been civil enough to know you can trust their character.

If your breakup was toxic and nasty, consider taking friendship off the table.

You’ve forgiven each other

No true friendship can flourish with lingering resentments.

Forgiveness can take time, and if you have any chance of nurturing a genuine friendship with your ex, you should give yourselves time and space to process any hurt or blame first.

You’re comfortable with them dating other people

Are you prepared to see your ex with someone new?

If seeing your ex hand-in-hand with someone who isn’t you makes you feel more queasy than happy for them, it might be a sign you’re not over them and can’t enter a friendship – yet.

 

When it might be a bad idea

There may be some situations where being friends just isn’t a good idea or healthy for your wellbeing.

The relationship was abusive

Any form of abuse – whether physical, emotional, psychological, or other – is a big red flag that the relationship is not safe or serving you in a positive way.

Maintaining contact with this person could be unsafe and damaging for you, and it may be best to walk away and seek help to heal.

You had an unequal power dynamic

Did your partner always wear the pants and make all the decisions? Did they seem self-important and treat you as less than?

This in itself is a form of abuse, but unfortunately, it can be common even in friendships. Any relationship that has an unbalanced power dynamic is not healthy.

Steer clear if your ex makes you feel bad about yourself in any way.

Your friends and family didn’t like them

If your loved ones saw your ex as a walking red flag or didn’t like how they treated you, they’re probably not friend material.

While we don’t have to rely on other people’s opinions when it comes to choosing our friends, our friends and family normally have our best interests at heart, and we can generally trust them to help us make positive choices.

Romantic feelings are lingering

Be honest with yourself – do you seek a genuine platonic friendship with your ex, or are you holding onto hope that you could end up back together?

Forcing a friendship when someone still has romantic feelings is never a good idea.

Avoid potential hurt by cutting contact and reconsidering a possible friendship once both parties have truly moved on emotionally. This could take months or even years.

 

A friendship with an ex can be highly rewarding in the right circumstances. But it’s more than OK not to continue a relationship or be in contact with them at all. Do what feels best to you and helps you move forward on a safe and healthy journey.

If you’re struggling through a breakup or relationship, talking to a counsellor can help.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer tips to heal from your past relationships in this blog post.

When to stop reaching out to a friend

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It’s normal for friends to come and go throughout life.

You might drift apart naturally as you change and grow. Or you might suddenly realise you’re not getting what you need (and deserve) from a friendship and feel it’s best for your wellbeing to end it.

Ending a friendship can be painful, but any relationship that makes you feel disregarded or disrespected should be re-evaluated.

Here are some signs it may be time to walk away.

 

You’re always the first to reach out

Do you get radio silence from them unless you pick up the phone first?

While there can be situations where your friend may temporarily be unable to give you the time and interest you give them (e.g. right after having a baby, or during a busy work or study period), it can be disheartening when you’re always the one to organise catchups or reach out first.

If you don’t feel like a priority in your friend’s life, or you’re the only one making an effort to maintain the connection, it might be time to move on – or at least put the ball in their court.

 

They only focus on themselves

Relationships are about give and take. If your friend doesn’t return the same level of care or support you offer them, they may be taking advantage of you.

Perhaps they only reach out when they need something, or maybe they spend each of your interactions talking about themselves and showing little to no interest in your life.

If this sounds familiar, it’s worth raising with your friend or focusing on friends who make you feel supported and important.

We offer tips for when your friend only talks about themselves in this blog post.

 

Your values and morals don’t align

This is a big one, and it can be particularly common among childhood or school friends who grow up and learn who they are and what’s important to them.

You may find you and your friend disagree more often than you agree, or maybe they do or say things you don’t feel comfortable with.

Surrounding yourself with different perspectives can be a good thing, and you don’t have to agree on everything to be friends. But having strong differing opinions on the important stuff can make for an incompatible friendship.

 

You feel nervous around them

Some friendships can do more harm than good for our self-esteem and wellbeing.

Feelings like jealousy and competitiveness can create an unhealthy or unequal dynamic, as can judgement or passive aggression. We might find ourselves on eggshells or holding back from being our true selves around these kinds of friends.

Feeling nervous before seeing your friend, or feeling drained after seeing them, is a red flag the friendship isn’t serving you in a positive way.

 

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Learn how to assert boundaries in your relationships in this blog post.

Has COVID changed your friendships?

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The pandemic has made many of us re-evaluate our relationships.

It’s taken more effort than ever to stay in touch with the people we care about. We’ve had to be more deliberate with texts, calls, FaceTimes, and one-friend-at-a-time daily walks.

This has brought some friendships closer and caused others to drift apart.

Lockdowns and logistics aren’t the only factors that changed our friendships during COVID. Opposing views around mask mandates and vaccinations may also have caused rifts between friends.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s normal for friends to come and go throughout our lives. But maintaining some connections is important to prevent loneliness.

We explore how COVID has impacted our social lives and the importance of friendships for our mental and physical wellbeing.

 

Taking Stock of our Friendships

If you left lockdown with fewer friends, you’re not alone. Research shows many of us saw our friendship groups shrink due to venue closures preventing in-person catchups, and pandemic stress causing us to only want to connect with the people we were closest with.

Restrictions on group activities meant we weren’t running into the acquaintances and ‘sometimes’ friends we see at social events but wouldn’t necessarily spend one-on-one time with.

We were prioritising the people we care most about, and ‘pruning’ (whether consciously or not) the friendships that were superficial or already dwindling. You know what they say: quality over quantity.

 

The Importance of Connection

A 2020 study showed phone calls (59%) and video chats (57%) were the most popular ways to stay in touch from a distance, while texting and smartphone apps (e.g. What’sApp and Facebook Messenger) came in at 38%.

But even with technology at our fingertips, some of us isolated ourselves during lockdowns. The survey showed 7% of people weren’t keeping in touch with loved ones at all.

“I’m withdrawing. Communicating through media is draining,” a respondent stated.

It’s no surprise that 45% of us reported increased feelings of loneliness since COVID in 2020.

Research shows loneliness is as bad for us as smoking 15 cigarettes per day. It’s a major risk factor for mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Loneliness is also associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and high blood pressure.

Human connection is a core need and losing that connection can significantly impact our wellbeing.

If you’re feeling lonely but would rather isolate yourself than maintain your friendships, it might be a sign your mental health needs attention. Talking to a counsellor might help. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Nervous about kickstarting your social life? You might find these tips helpful: Coping with Social Anxiety as Restrictions Ease

How to Make Friends as an Adult

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It’s easy to make friends as a child. Going to school puts you in the same place as likeminded peers five days of the week.

Meeting people and forging friendships later in life doesn’t always come so easily. But the friendships made during adulthood can be some of the most meaningful connections you have, and provide significant happiness and fulfilment.

In a recent survey on the state of happiness in Australia, around 46% of respondents stated their friends gave them some happiness, and around 40% stated their friends were there greatest source of happiness.

We hope this advice helps if you’re looking to make friends as an adult but don’t know where to start.

 

Deepen your casual connections

The co-worker you eat lunch with? The barista you talk to about your favourite podcast every morning? The friend of a friend you seem to have a lot in common with? All potential friends!

If you’re looking to make friends in your 20s, 30s and beyond, look no further than your current acquaintances. If there are people already in your life that you’d like to make friends with, invest in those relationships and make an effort to deepen those connections.

 

Sign up for a social sport, hobby club, or class

Put yourself out there and join clubs or groups where you’re likely to meet people with shared interests.

This could be anything from social tennis at your local courts to a book club at your local library. The best part is, you already know you have something in common to talk about, so striking up a conversation shouldn’t be too hard.

 

Join Facebook groups based on your interests

Facebook groups and online forums are other great ways to connect with likeminded people.

Here, you can get involved in discussions on just about any niche you can think of. It can also provide the opportunity to meet other group members in person – just remember to be safe when meeting up with people you’ve met online.

 

Get confident starting conversations with new people

Talking to someone new can be daunting for anyone. One minute you’re discussing the weather, and the next, you’re looking at your feet or scanning the room for someone you know.

If small talk with strangers isn’t your strong suit, try these tips:

  • Open with a compliment – Complimenting someone on their clothing or accessories can be a great way to break the ice and start a conversation. There might be an interesting story behind their funky scarf or shoes.
  • Keep notes of conversation starters – Does your mind go blank when you’re in social situations? It can help to keep some conversation topics handy in your bag or phone in case you get stuck. This might include relevant news stories or the TV series you’re currently bingeing.
  • Circle back to something they said earlier – When all else fails, try circling back to something they’ve already spoken about. Ask questions to explore the topic deeper. Chances are if they originally brought it up, they’ll be interested in discussing it further.

 

Use friendship apps

Apps aren’t just for dating, you know! You could meet your new BFF on your phone with apps like Bumble BFF, Friender, Meetup, Nextdoor, and Hey! Vina, to name a few.

Struggle with social anxiety? We offer some helpful advice in this blog post.

What to do When Your Friend Only Talks About Themselves

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Are your conversations with your friend a little one-sided? Do they talk about their lives and problems without showing any interest in yours?

Relationships are all about give and take. It’s normal for there to be times when one person is in a crisis and needs more focus and support than the other – after all, being a good listener is part of being a good friend. But in general, a friendship should be based on mutual support.

It can be draining to feel like the emotional dumping ground for a friend, especially if the favour isn’t returned when you need a shoulder to lean on.

We hope these tips help you maintain a healthier, more balanced friendship if your friend only talks about themselves.

 

Consider why

Ask yourself why they might be preoccupied with their own stuff.

Are they going through a hard time? Do they not have many other friends to confide in? Could they be anxious to fill awkward silences? Maybe they’re lacking social skills? Or perhaps they’re simply self-absorbed?

Thinking about what might be going on behind the scenes can help you gain understanding and empathy. It can also help you consider whether the relationship is toxic and worth maintaining or not.

 

Focus on common interests

As friends, it’s likely you have at least one shared interest you can dive into.

Maybe it’s a favourite band or TV show, a love for a sport or fitness in general, or simply a shared passion for good food and good times. Whatever it is, try to steer the conversation to this topic. It might seem surface-level at first, but it could lead to a deeper chat.

By talking about mutual interests, you both get to contribute your thoughts and feelings about topics you enjoy.

 

Get personal

Do you volunteer personal information? Are you willing to share as much as they share?

If not, your friend might see you as a ‘listener’. You can break out of this role by opening up some more without waiting to be asked.

If you’re comfortable, show your friend you’re willing to be vulnerable and let them in. They’ll likely show an interest and want to be there for you.

 

Ask for their opinion

Does your friend find a way to make every topic about them?

Asking your friend their opinion on an issue is a good way to talk about yourself while making them feel important and included.

For example, instead of telling them you’re enrolling in art classes, ask them if they think you should enrol in art classes. You don’t have to take their advice on board, but it’s an easy way to turn their attention to something you want to talk about.

 

Tell them how you’re feeling

If your friend cares about you and you enjoy spending time with them, it might be worth addressing the issue so you can move forward and maintain the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

If you don’t feel like you’re getting anything from the relationship, or your friend is unwilling to change, there’s nothing wrong with distancing yourself and saving your energy for the friendships you benefit from.

For more help maintaining healthy relationships, you might like our article How to Set Boundaries in Relationships.