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Category: LGBTQIA+

How to be Supportive When a Friend Comes Out to You

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“My friend came out to me – what do I say?”

This question is more common than you may think.

‘Coming out’ – or more recently called ‘inviting in’ – refers to someone in the LGBTQIA+ communities self-disclosing their sexual or gender identity.

Knowing what to say when someone comes out to you can be difficult. Everyone has different experiences and needs, and there’s no one-fits-all perfect response.

We offer some suggestions to help your loved one feel supported and seen during and after this important conversation.

 

Be Affirming and Thank Them for Telling You

It can take a lot of bravery to come out to someone.

LGBTQIA+ identifying people may hesitate to self-disclose due to:

  • Fear of being shunned or judged
  • Fear of violence and backlash
  • Fear of losing relationships because of who they are.

It’s an honour to have someone feel safe enough to share that part of themselves, so be sure to acknowledge this by thanking them for telling you.

Affirm the importance of their identity and let them know you’ll be there to support them. Tell them you accept and respect who they are, and this doesn’t change or affect your relationship.

 

Mirror Their Energy

Your reaction isn’t just about what you say, but how you say it.

Let your friend set the tone of the conversation, and try to react similarly to how you were told.

If they broke the news in a casual way, you can react casually. It doesn’t always need to be a big, emotional moment – your friend may be more comfortable keeping it relaxed.

But if they deliver the news as a significant moment with a lot of emotion, you can treat it as such by responding with a lot of empathy, support, and gratitude. You might even want to offer them a hug or high-five depending on your relationship.

 

Respect Their Confidentiality

If someone chooses to share the news of who they are with you, it’s important to remember this is very personal. Let your friend know you understand this is not your story to tell, and you can and will keep this to yourself.

Coming out is a big decision for a lot of people in the LGBTQIA+ communities, and it’s their right to come out to or ‘invite in’ who they choose, when they choose.

 

Stay Educated on LGBTQIA+ Issues

Saying the right thing is not the first and last step in being there for someone who has come out to you. It’s important to keep supporting them through their entire journey, and part of supporting is understanding.

You most likely won’t know everything then and there, and while asking them questions is great, you can and should do your own research. Understanding their identity better will help you to support them better.

You can also keep yourself educated and informed on what’s going on in the community, what issues they’re facing, and the importance of inclusion. Staying educated will help you be a genuine ally to your LGBTQIA+ friends.

 

If you’re having difficulty with coming to terms with or supporting someone through their coming out journey, you may find our counselling services helpful.

We also offer specialised counselling for people in the LGBTQIA+ communities. This may be helpful to recommend to a friend who has recently come out and needs some professional support.

For more tips to communicate and respond effectively, you may find this blog post helpful: How to Be a Good Listener | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)

The Dos and Don’ts of Dating a Bisexual

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Navigating any new romantic relationship can be an exciting yet delicate dance.

But dating someone who is attracted to multiple genders can raise some unique questions or insecurities – particularly for people who aren’t part of the LGBTQIA+ communities themselves.

This Bisexual Awareness Week (16-23 September), we’d like to offer some advice for dating someone who identifies as bisexual to help you nurture a healthy and respectful relationship.

Here are some important dos and don’ts of dating a bisexual or pansexual.

 

Do: Take time to learn about the community

Make an effort to learn about the bisexual community as well as all the LGBTQIA+ communities.

Educate yourself on important things like respectful terminology, culture, and issues faced today and historically.

Learn about biphobia and bi-erasure, and support your partner to share their experience and express their identity.

Remember: Just as not all straight people are the same, neither are all bisexuals. The best way to learn about your partner is to ask questions – just be mindful of being respectful and avoiding biphobic stereotypes (more on that below).

Organisations like Minus18 and LGBTIQA+ Health Australia have some great resources to help you learn more about bisexuality and the LGBTQIA+ communities.

 

Don’t: Ask biphobic or invalidating questions

While it’s fine (and encouraged) to be curious and ask questions, there are some questions and assumptions that can be biphobic and offensive.

For example, don’t ask your partner “Which gender do you prefer?” or “Is it just a phase?”. These can reinforce unhelpful stereotypes and make your partner feel invalidated and misunderstood.

Some individuals who identify as bisexual can feel like they don’t quite belong in the queer community, especially if they’re in a traditional heterosexual relationship.

Be mindful to avoid harmful stereotypes and understand and affirm your partner’s sexuality.

We offer tips to be a good listener in this blog post.

 

Do: Be a genuine ally

While someone’s sexual identity shouldn’t define them, it can still be a large part of who they are and have a significant impact on how they experience the world around them. Your active support and allyship can be incredibly affirming and important for your partner.

Along with learning more about the bisexual community, make an effort to be vocal and visible in your support for LGBTQIA+ folks and their rights.

Pay attention to what’s happening in the news and offer to join your partner at LGBTQIA+ events and rallies. FYI: The bisexual flag is pink, purple, and blue!

 

Don’t: Assume your relationship defines their sexuality

No, bisexual people don’t magically become straight when they’re in a relationship with a heterosexual partner.

Your relationship status does not change your sexuality. Assuming your relationship defines your partner’s sexuality rejects a huge part of their identity and their past, and falls into that bucket of biphobia/bi-erasure.

Respect your partner’s bisexuality as part of their identity regardless of your relationship.

 

Do: Trust them as you would any other partner

A common harmful myth about people who are attracted to more than one gender is that they are more likely to cheat because their dating pool is larger.

Bisexual or pansexual people are no more likely to cheat on you than anyone else.

Just because your partner is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’re attracted to everyone, or that they’re going to be unfaithful or wish for a polyamorous relationship.

If you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship, trust your partner as you would any other partner.

Remember to communicate any insecurities or concerns with your partner respectfully, and don’t make assumptions about how they feel based on their sexuality.

Keep in mind that excessive jealousy and constant accusations of cheating in a relationship can be forms of coercive control.

At the end of the day, dating someone who is bisexual or pansexual should involve the same level of respect, trust, love, and support as dating anyone else.

Approach the relationship with an open mind and an open heart, and remember that your partner chose to be with you over anyone else – so you must be pretty special!

If you’re having a tough time in your relationship, talking to a counsellor can help you explore your feelings and potential coping strategies. Learn more about our counselling services or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

If you found this blog post helpful, you might enjoy our tips to bring out the best in your partner.

How to Support an LGBTQIA+ Senior

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The LGBTQIA+ senior community is expected to grow in the coming years. Older people who identify as LGBTQIA+ face unique challenges, which can make it difficult to feel a sense of security and belonging.

Being informed will help you to become a better ally to your older LGBTQIA+ loved ones.

We hope these tips can help you to be a supportive ally of your LGBTQIA+ parent, grandparent, or older loved one.

 

Create a welcoming environment

Your support is the easiest and best thing you can offer an LGBTQIA+ loved one.

To create a welcoming environment:

  • Don’t make jokes or laugh
  • Use a gentle tone of voice
  • Be sensitive to their lived experiences
  • Don’t say “I always thought you were…”
  • Be mindful of facial expressions and reactions
  • Don’t demand information or ask intrusive questions.

 

Be informed about their challenges

Older LGBTQIA+ folks have faced a lifetime of evolving laws, legislation, and societal views regarding their identity. In Australia, these individuals have experienced both obstacles and milestones on the journey towards achieving equal human rights.

LGBTQIA+ rights groups have been active in Australia since the 1960s. Did you know that homosexuality was classified by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a disease until 1990? Did you know that openly gay individuals were banned from serving in the Australian military until 1992?

You can learn more about Australia’s history of LGBTQIA+ rights here.

 

Let them know it’s okay to ask for help

Substantial data shows that LGBTQIA+ Australians experience both abuse and mental health problems at overwhelmingly high rates. Over 60% report experiencing depression. Over 38% report feeling abused by a family member, and over 41% report feeling abused by a partner.

Let your older loved one know that there are safe support services designed with their unique needs in mind. You can offer to accompany them or drive them to any appointments or meetings.

 

Help them access safe, inclusive services

Your older loved one may not realise that there are services whose goal is to protect LGBTQIA+ seniors from loneliness, social isolation, and elder abuse.

“LGBTQIA+ elders may draw upon their years of experience of the dangers of coming out, and perhaps choose isolation and loneliness over risk of abuse.”
-Claire Allen, AIDS Council of New South Wales

Australia’s LOVE Project offers a list of ageing services that are inclusive and safe for LGBTQIA+ seniors.

You may also be able to identify if a service is inclusive by looking for representative imagery, words, and marketing.

 

Help them find safe aged care options

Due to discrimination and needs often not being met by service providers, the Australian government has identified LGBTQIA+ seniors as having special needs for aged care.

LGBTQIA+ seniors may experience obstacles such as pressure to hide their identity, or having no way to disclose their identity.

Australia is the first country which has developed a National LGBTI Ageing and Aged Care strategy, which aims for all seniors to have the same opportunities in aged care. You can learn more about finding inclusive aged care in Queensland on the MyAgedCare government website.

The Silver Rainbow Project provides further education on meeting the needs of seniors who identify as LGBTQIA+.

 

Our Rainbow Program supports the mental health and wellbeing of individuals who are gender and/or sexuality diverse.

If you or an older person you know is experiencing or at risk of elder abuse, our Elder Abuse Prevention and Support Service (EAPSS) is here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe, supportive environment that prioritises the wellbeing of the older person.

You can learn more about EAPSS here, or by calling 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

 

How to be an Ally to Your LGBTQIA+ Grandchild

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It can be overwhelming to talk to your grandchild about gender, sexuality, and identity. Especially when the social and political landscapes are vastly different today than they were in your generation.

Your grandchild is likely worried about your feelings on their identity, too. Love and support from you will be crucial for your grandchild.

We hope these tips can help you to be a respectful, informed ally for your LGBTQIA+ grandchild.

 

Have a positive mindset

LGBTQIA+ rights and social norms have changed drastically over the generations. Due to being from a different time than your grandchild, it is natural that you may have different ideas and information surrounding what it means to be LGBTQIA+.

Take this opportunity to allow your grandchild the freedom of being who they are. Be respectful of the trust instilled in you by your grandchild disclosing their identity to you. Be willing to change your perspective and beliefs that may be engrained from the past.

As an LGBTQIA+ ally, you will find the communities inclusive and welcoming.

 

Create a welcoming, loving environment

Even if you don’t quite understand your LGBTQIA+ grandchild, your support is the easiest and best thing you can give them.

Let your grandchild know that you love them unconditionally. Ensure that your home is a safe, judgement-free place where your grandchild can express their full self.

To create a welcoming environment:

  • Use a gentle tone of voice
  • Be sensitive to the emotional labour of “coming out” or “inviting in”
  • Let them express themselves, regardless of social norms
  • Avoid derogatory language and slurs
  • Be mindful of facial expressions and reactions
  • Don’t say “I always knew you were…”
  • Don’t make jokes or laugh at their self-expression
  • Don’t demand information or ask intrusive personal questions
  • Don’t minimise their experience or say “it’s just a phase”

 

Don’t treat them like they’re different

Your LGBTQIA+ grandchild shows resilience, strength, and pride in the face of adversity every day. Society has long treated many LGBTQIA+ individuals like they are different, lesser, or bad.

Your grandchild is likely worried about how you’ll feel about their identity. They may fear judgement or rejection, or that their relationship with you will be damaged.

Avoid treating your grandchild like something has changed after they have come out as LGBTQIA+. Show them the same love and respect that you show to your other grandchildren. Ensure them that this won’t change your relationship with them.

 

Do your own research

Many LGBTQIA+ individuals find themselves having to “teach” others about gender and/or sexuality. This assumed responsibility can be frustrating and exhausting.

Show that you care and become a respectful, informed ally by doing your own research. Minus 18 and PFLAG+ Brisbane are excellent resources for parents, grandparents, and allies.

Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms include:

  • Inviting in: Disclosing one’s gender and/or sexuality. For some, the phrase “coming out” holds a negative connotation of being something to be hidden away.
  • Ally: Someone who stands up for and supports members of the LGTBQIA+ communities, and in this case is usually someone who is heterosexual and/or cisgender.
  • Gender or gender identity: One’s sense of whether they are a man, woman, non-binary, or a combination of one or more of these. Gender can be binary (man or woman), or non-binary (including people who have no binary gender at all and people who have some relationship to binary gender/genders).
  • Sexuality: A person’s identity in relation to the gender(s) they are typically attracted to.
  • Sex: A classification people are often given at birth based on external characteristics.

You can read about the up-to-date terminology on the Australian Institute of Family Studies website.

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Disclosing as LGBTQIA+ takes a great deal of courage, and it is a significant event that your grandchild will remember for the rest of their life.

Your grandchild trusts you enough to talk about their identity. Don’t break that trust by disclosing this information to anyone else, even if that includes your grandchild’s parents. Gender and/or sexual identity are extremely personal, and control over that information is a right that should not be taken away.

 

Monitor their mental health

LGBTQIA+ individuals are at increased risk of encountering acts of discrimination, including bullying, hate crimes, and exclusion. Research shows that young LGBTQIA+ Australians are between three and fifteen times as likely to attempt suicide. There is also significantly increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and psychological distress.

Keep an eye on your grandchild for signs of self-harm, withdrawal, depression, or anxiety. If you notice these signs or any other alarming behaviours, remind your grandchild that you support them, and encourage them to seek support from a GP.

 

Our Rainbow Program supports the mental health and wellbeing of individuals who are gender and/or sexuality diverse.

If you or an older person you know need help in mending a relationship, our experienced counsellors are here to help. We can help you explore your concerns and possible solutions in a safe and supportive environment.

You can learn more about our Elder Mediation Support Service here, or call 1300 063 232.

 

Want to receive updates on our Senior Relationship Services blog posts?

 

How to Support a Child Who is Questioning Their Gender or Sexuality

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It’s normal for children and teens to explore how they identify and who they’re attracted to. But if your child isn’t sure where they sit on the gender or sexuality spectrum, they may feel anything but normal.  Love and support from family is crucial during this confusing time.

But talking to your child about gender, sex and identity can be overwhelming. These topics aren’t as black and white as some people might think, and it can be hard to know where to start.

We hope these tips help you support your child while they’re figuring out who they are.

 

Listen and learn

It takes a lot of courage to open up about gender and/or sexuality. Chances are your child is worried about how you’ll react, fearing the possibility of judgement and rejection. When your child trusts you enough to talk about these things, really listen to them and try to understand their experience. Show genuine interest and curiosity while respecting their boundaries.

Believe what they’re telling you, and avoid brushing it off as a ‘phase’. This negative attitude can be invalidating to your child and prevent them from opening up again.

 

Create a loving home environment

The best way you can support your child is to accept them for who they are, and let them know they’re loved unconditionally. Ensure your home environment is a safe space where they’re free to express themselves without judgement. Show them encouragement and praise for being open with you.

Avoid using derogatory language, pressuring them to conform to social norms (e.g. wearing certain clothes), or making jokes about their identity and/or expression. Respect their privacy and don’t push them to answer intrusive questions or disclose anything they don’t want to.

 

Do your research

Improve your understanding of LGBTQIA+ experiences and issues by doing some research online. Familiarise yourself with the appropriate terminology and language and be respectful of your child’s preferred pronouns (e.g. he/him, she/her, they/their, or other).

Some relevant terms might include:

  • Gender identity: A person’s sense of being male or female or somewhere else on the gender spectrum.
  • Sex assigned at birth: The sex classification people are given at birth based on genitalia.
  • Transgender: A person who does not exclusively identify with the gender they were assigned at birth
  • Cisgender: A person whose gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth.
  • Gender nonbinary: A person who identifies as both male and female, somewhere in between the two, or neither.
  • Gender fluid: When a person’s gender identity shifts between male and female. Their sense of where they are on the spectrum can change over time – even from day to day.
  • Lesbian: A woman or feminine-identifying person who wants to be in a relationship with another woman.
  • Gay: A man who wants to be in a relationship with another man (though sometimes lesbians also use this term).
  • Bisexual: Someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
  • Pansexual: Someone who is interested in having relationships with all gender identities/expressions.

The Gender Unicorn can be a helpful resource for parents/carers and children.

The Gender Unicorn infpgraphic shows difference between gender identity, expression, sex assigned at birth, and attraction

 

Don’t disclose without permission

Coming out is difficult, and a significant event your child will likely remember for the rest of their life. Don’t take away their right to disclose their personal information in their own time. Allow your child to dictate who they do and don’t want to know about this information.

This is a time of exploration and discovery, and your child might not want the entire extended family, all their teachers, or the neighbours to know how they’re feeling until they’ve figured it out for themselves.

 

Monitor their mental health

It’s tough enough being a kid sometimes, and unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ youth can face additional challenges. Research shows LGBT young people are nearly twice as likely to engage in self-injury than their similar-aged peers.

Keep an eye on your child for signs of withdrawal, depression, or self-harm. If you do notice any of these behaviours or other behaviour changes that signal alarm bells for you, remind your child you’re there for them, and seek support from your GP.