Category: Relationships & Dating

The FIFO lifestyle can be tough on even the strongest relationships.

With long and/or frequent periods of separation, it’s common for partners to feel lonely and disconnected from time to time.

But people in FIFO and long-distance relationships can overcome these obstacles and maintain their closeness with some extra care and effort.

We offer some advice on how to deal with FIFO relationships and the unique challenges they can bring.

1. Set Expectations for Communication

Communication is important in every relationship, but it’s especially crucial for couples who don’t see each other every day.

Discuss your expectations around how and how often you’ll communicate to ensure you’re on the same page.

What do you need to feel loved and supported by your partner during your time apart? Maybe it’s a daily phone call, or perhaps you’d like regular texts and photo updates throughout the day.

These needs might look different for everyone, so don’t assume you’ll just work it out as you go. Be honest about what you expect from your partner and how you’re willing and able to be available for them.

With effective communication, FIFO relationships can present an opportunity to grow your emotional intimacy and feel closer to each other despite the physical distance.

Regular check-ins can help increase understanding and build trust in your relationship. We list 10 relationship check-in questions here.

2. Show Support However You Can

It can be hard to be your partner’s go-to for support when your opportunities for quality time and communication are limited. But it’s important to stay involved and be there for them through their ups and downs however you can.

Be aware of what’s going on for your partner and share what’s going on for you. When something in your partner’s life requires extra attention from you (e.g. job interview, medical issue, family problems), be sure to check in, show interest, and let them know they can rely on you to provide emotional support from afar.

You might even like to send some of their favourite treats, flowers, or a card with words of encouragement during these tough or significant moments.

3. Make the Most of Your Time Together

When quality time together is limited, it should be used intentionally.

You don’t have to spend a small fortune on wining and dining every time you reunite. But a little effort goes a long way to keep the romance alive and make your time together memorable.

For example, you might like to:

• Return to where you had your first date
• Plan and book a night away together at an Airbnb or hotel
• Write a bucket list of experiences and adventures you’d like to have together
• Choose your favourite photos together to print, frame, and display around the house
• Cook dinner together while listening to a playlist of songs special to your relationship.

4. Nurture Your Independence

This can be particularly important for the partner at home.

It’s not healthy to put your life on hold between visits from your partner. It’s important for your mental health – and the longevity of your relationship – that you build a life and identity separate to your partner.

Maintain your social life by booking in regular catchups with friends and family and leaning on your support network during those lonely days.

Fill your time with activities you love by picking up an old hobby or starting a new one. Create goals for yourself, whether it’s to read a certain number of books or to run a certain length in a certain time.

While it’s normal to miss your partner, you should find happiness and fulfilment from other people and things when you’re apart.

We explore more reasons why it’s important to have friendships outside your relationship here.

5. Seek Support for Your Mental Health

People in FIFO relationships can face mental health challenges due to the stress separation and other related issues can bring.

If you need some extra support coping, our counsellors can help you find the tools to navigate your FIFO relationship with confidence.

You can learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

It’s normal to look for answers when your partner has been unfaithful.

You might ask yourself what you did or what you could’ve done to prevent this from happening.

But it’s important to remember the responsibility lies with the person who cheated, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, affairs are more common than you’d think. An estimated 60% of men and 45% of women have had an affair within their marriage.

We explore some common reasons why people cheat on their partners – even in seemingly happy relationships.

Sexually Addictive Behaviour

In some cases, cheating can be a result of sexually addictive or compulsive behaviours.

While there’s no excuse for infidelity within a monogamous relationship, sexually addictive behaviours and mental health conditions such as histrionic personality disorder may drive people to seek sexual and/or emotional intimacy outside their relationship.

Feeling Disconnected or Unloved

Cheating isn’t always about filling unmet physical needs. Some people seek emotional intimacy outside their relationship when they’re feeling disconnected from or neglected by their partner.

This might manifest as a physical affair or solely as an emotional affair, where they develop a romantic bond that doesn’t involve sexual relations. This type of infidelity can happen in person, online, or over the phone.

In some cases, the two people may never even meet in person. But emotional cheating can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.

A Fear of Commitment

The thought of committing to one person can bring feelings of stress, pressure, and doubt for some people, even in a happy relationship.

Some people may cheat as a ‘last hurrah’ or due to ‘cold feet’ prior to getting married.

Their Own Self-Esteem or Self-Worth

Some people seek sexual attention as a form of validation or an ego boost. This can be particularly true for people who are insecure and have low self-esteem.

They might rely on people outside their relationship to make them feel attractive and desirable. This can be true for people who don’t feel validated in this way by their partner, but also in relationships that are full of affection and sexual activity.

Cheating is often a reflection of their insecurities, and no amount of attention and affection from their partner would prevent them from seeking more elsewhere. In these cases, the short-term self-gratification from cheating is more important than the long-term goal of maintaining their relationship.

As a Way to End the Relationship

Some people find it difficult to address issues with their partner and may use cheating as an escape or a way to ‘sabotage’ the relationship.

This may be due to an avoidant attachment style, commitment issues, or dissatisfaction in the relationship that they’re unwilling to work on. Cheating might be their way to drive their partner away and end things without having to initiate a difficult breakup conversation.

Why else would happy people cheat?

There are many reasons why people might seek romantic or sexual attention outside their relationship, and this can vary from person to person. The person who had the affair may not even have the answers themselves.

If you need some extra support following infidelity, our counsellors can help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental space. We also provide relationship counselling for couples looking to repair after infidelity.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

If your partner has cheated, you can find advice on how to focus on yourself, and to build your self-esteem here.

It’s natural for your self-esteem to take a blow after you’ve been cheated on.

And with that, it can even be difficult to focus on the self-care you deserve in times like this. But there is a lot you can do to remind yourself you’re worthy of love, and to heal after being cheated on.

We’ll take you through some tips on how to build your self-esteem, and how to love yourself after being cheated on.

Don’t blame yourself

Your partner’s decision to cheat isn’t a reflection of you. It doesn’t mean something’s “wrong” with you, or that you did anything wrong.

People cheat for many reasons. Often, it’s an indication of their own issues, such as insecurity or a need for validation. But no matter the reason, you can affirm to yourself that you played no part.

Surround yourself with people who build you up

Your friends and family can often serve as a great reminder of the quality of your relationships, and the love and appreciation you deserve. Whether it’s a cup of tea, a chat, a laugh, and outing, there are endless ways of refilling your cup with your support network.

Creating new memories with your loved ones can also help take your mind off the cheating and the breakup.

Do things that make you feel proud

Now’s an opportunity to focus on all the things that make you feel good about and proud of yourself.

Whether it’s going to the gym, practising an instrument, or cooking new recipes, indulge in activities that let you flex your favourite skills.

Identify and manage your triggers

Being cheated on can be a traumatic experience – it’s normal to be triggered by overthinking, reminders of the situation, and uncomfortable topics.

Being in touch with your triggers is a form of self-compassion. When you learn how to handle these triggers, it can boost your confidence in facing everyday situations.

Some strategies for managing triggers include:

• Confiding in a friend
• Doing breathing exercises
• Taking a step back from the situation
• Connecting with professional support.

Let yourself experience your emotions

It’s normal to feel sad, angry, confused, happy, optimistic, pessimistic, annoyed, calm, and every other emotion in between.

And they’re all completely okay.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself time to feel your feelings. Remember, healing isn’t linear; there will be ups and downs, and some days will be easier than others.

It’s okay to cry, scream, and to talk about your feelings. And reminding yourself that they’re okay is a great way to help reinforce your self-esteem.

Seek professional support

Feelings can be complicated following a breakup, especially when cheating is involved.

There’s no shame in seeking professional help, like counselling. Talking to a counsellor can help you process your feelings and find healthy ways to cope, recover, and love yourself again.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Everyone’s path after being cheated on will be different. If your path includes a separation with kids, you can find support for how to approach the topic of separation with children here.

Checking in with your partner can help with communicating honestly, growing your understanding of each other, and making sure everyone’s needs are being met. One way to do this is to ask each other relationship check-in questions.  

These questions can even form a relationship check-in template, so each time you check in with each other, you have your questions ready. By taking the time to check in regularly, you can proactively address any issues, share your needs, and increase understanding and trust in your relationship.  

Knowing which questions to ask can be tricky, so we’ve created a list of 10 possible relationship check-in questions you can use when checking in with your partner.  

1. What do you love most about our relationship?

Starting with this question is a good way to set the tone for your check-in. Relationship check-in questions can often feel intimidating, but it’s important to remember these questions aren’t the start of a breakup or fight. Instead, they’re a way to make sure you’re both feeling heard and cared for.  

2. What would you change about our relationship?

This question may sound scary – to ask and to answer. We often think that if something needs to change, then something’s wrong or bad. But that’s not always the case. Your car’s oil needs changing, does that mean you have a bad or faulty car? No. It means it needs something changed so it can run better. This can be the same for changes in your relationship.  

3. What would you like more of from me?

We can shy away from asking our partner questions about our relationship because we’re worried about being judged or criticised. Avoiding the negative language of “what am I doing wrong?” and swapping it with “what would you like more of from me?” gives you and your partner a way to tell each other what you need, without blaming or criticising.   

4. What would you like less of from me?

This gives you and your partner a chance to let each other know about something you could do without. Maybe in your last check-in, you told your partner you needed more affection because you were feeling low, but now things have gotten better and you don’t need as much. No one has done anything wrong; your needs have just changed.  

5. Is there anything that’s been bothering you that we haven’t talked about yet?

For some, vocalising issues or things they’re bothered by is not something they’re used to or comfortable with. Inviting your partner to share these things with you can create a safe space for discussion where they may feel more open to share.  

6. How do you feel about our communication?

You may have heard the term “communication is key” thrown around before. The truth is, communication is incredibly important – it’s how we’re understood. When we struggle with communication in our relationship, it can create problems with understanding and trust. Making sure you and your partner are communicating in a way that’s good for both of you can help make sure you’re both feeling heard and understood.  

7. When do you feel the most loved and appreciated?

Talking about the positive is important. Most relationships are filled with good stuff, so make sure you celebrate what’s working well. We can all do things to make our partner feel special, and hearing how the partner feels loved and valued can bring you closer together.  

8. Do you feel like we’re spending enough quality time together?

Quality time is more than just spending time with each other; it means being present and attentive. If you’re spending time together but you’re on your phone the whole time, you’re not focused on your partner, and this can give the impression that they’re not valued. Quality time helps with connection and strengthening your bond and can make us feel cared for and seen.  

9. What can I do to make your days better or easier?

Sometimes, our partners go through big things without reaching out – even when they want or need to. This may be because they have never done so before, or the situation isn’t something they’re comfortable talking about. Asking how you can make their days better or easier gives them the chance to ask for help without explaining why they need it.  

10. What would you like to do or achieve together between now and our next check-in?

Depending on what you have both found at the end of your check in, you might want to put more effort into a specific part of your relationship. If it’s quality time, you may want to have a date night without your phones. If it’s communication, you may want to start and finish a DIY project where you need to communicate and collaborate. 

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating or looking for some extra support, our counsellors can assist you in a safe and supportive environment.  

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here. 

In a relationship, it’s not uncommon to have highs and lows when it comes to emotional intimacy. We share some tips on how you can build emotional intimacy in your relationship here.  

Are there signs in your relationships which make you feel like something is “not right”?

Find out how to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship so you can manage the situation, set healthy boundaries, and safely leave if necessary.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

There are many signs and behaviours which can present as concerning within intimate relationships. The presence of one or more of these behaviours doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed, but it may be time to consider your needs and emotional wellbeing:

Walking on eggshells

Does your partner make you feel guilty for spending time with your family and friends? Do they constantly criticise as a “joke”? Do you avoid talking about some topics out of fear or judgement?

You are allowed to spend time with your family and friends – in fact, the quality of our relationships contributes to the quality of our life overall. You should also feel comfortable and safe to discuss anything that’s on your mind, without worrying about getting into trouble with your partner.   

Communication breakdown

Does your partner shut down every time you try to talk about your feelings?

Being able to talk openly and be heard is essential in any relationship. It helps to build trust and create an open channel of communication between both partners, even in situations where you may not agree with each other.

Being controlled

Does your partner try to control what you wear, who you talk to, or where you go? Are they unsupportive or jealous of your achievements?

It’s important to remember that individuals within a relationship will have different tastes in clothes, hobbies, and even friends. You have the right to decide what you wear, whom you talk to, and where you go.

Celebrating achievements is a form of respect and shows a genuine interest in recognising your efforts in achieving a goal.

Gaslighting 

Gaslighting refers to behaviour where a partner might manipulate your words or beliefs, causing you to question your own reality or decisions. They may deny things they’ve said or done, or use terms like “that was a joke”, which can make you feel like you’re imagining things or misunderstood what was said.

This is a form of emotional abuse.

Being gaslit can affect your emotional well-being such as no longer trusting your judgement, or being overly careful about what you say and do out of fear.

Ignoring your boundaries

In a toxic relationship, boundaries often get crossed or dismissed.

Does your partner go through your phone or email without permission when you’ve asked them not to? Do they pressure you to do things which make you feel uncomfortable? Do they take money from a joint bank account without discussing with you?

These behaviours could be a sign that your partner is ignoring your needs or wants, and disrespecting your boundaries.

Lack of self-care

Have you stopped doing hobbies, neglected your health, or repeatedly sacrificed free time?

It’s normal for things to be postponed due to a busy life.

But if done because of how your partner reacts when you prioritise self-care, over time, you may become resentful which will affect your well-being and the relationship.

If you recognise any of these signs, you can take steps to protect your well-being, and improve the health of your relationships.

Prioritising self-care

It is easy to “lose yourself” in a relationship. However, prioritising self-care is important for your well-being.

Self-care involves taking time out to do something that brings you joy. This may be going for a nature hike, listening to your favourite music, or learning a new language for a future trip. How about creating a joy list?

Engaging in a fun activity allows you to take a break from continuously thinking about problems. It can help you manage your stress and even re-energise you. Research has shown self-care may improve your mood, help solve problems with a clearer mind, and feel positive about the future.  

Recognising and acknowledging red flags in a relationship can be hard. But once you do, you can take the necessary steps to protect yourself and move towards healthier relationships.

Setting boundaries

A healthy relationship involves open and honest communication where both partners feel heard and respected. You have the right to make choices about what affects your life.

To regain control of your relationship so that both parties feel heard, valued, and respected, it may be time to set boundaries.

You can do this by:

• Using open communication – Express your needs and feelings clearly to your partner by using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel uncomfortable when” rather than “You always make me feel”.
• Be specific – Clearly explain the types of behaviour which are unacceptable. You may say “I need you to respect my privacy by not going through personal stuff without permission.”
• Be firm – Stick to your boundaries even if your partner tries to ignore, pushes back, or manipulates you. Keep reminding yourself that you have the right to feel safe and heard.
• Seek support – If you’re struggling to set boundaries or feel your partner isn’t respecting them, reach out to trusted family members, friends, or a counsellor for support and guidance.

Our counsellors can help you explore your feelings and address underlying issues in a safe space. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

We offer advice about how to manage conflict in a relationship in our blog post Signs of an Abusive Relationship | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au)

Emotional intimacy can be a bit like a battery. The early stages of a relationship are often spent charging it up with deep conversations, dates, affection, spontaneous gifts – the list goes on.

We tend to rely on that charge as life inevitably gets in the way and we’re too distracted or stressed to recharge the battery.

But when we let our emotional intimacy decline, our relationship suffers. We might feel a lack of understanding, support, and overall connection with our partner.

It’s crucial to pay attention to the emotional intimacy in your relationship and make an effort to keep that battery level where you need it to be to feel safe and loved.

Whether you’re looking to build emotional intimacy with a new partner or you’d like to recharge the supplies in your long-term relationship, there are some simple techniques that can help you feel closer.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Asking your partner “Did you have a good day?” might feel like a nice gesture. But as a closed question, it can feel more like a ticking of a box than an invitation to share. They can easily answer “Yes”, and the conversation is over.

Instead, try asking “What did you get up to today?”.

An open-ended question invites them to really share their experience. If they had a good day, they might share their wins. If they didn’t, they might let you know what’s troubled them.

Either way, you’ve just created an opportunity to connect that would have otherwise been missed.

Actively Listen to Their Answers

When your partner does open up, do your best to engage positively with them. You can do this by giving them your full attention, asking follow-up questions, and offering support where you can.

Open-ended questions aren’t just a chance for your partner to share – they’re a springboard to open you both up to a meaningful discussion where you can learn more about each other and grow closer.

We offer more tips to be a better listener here.

Add Rituals to Your Routine

Adding rituals to your daily routine increases opportunities for interaction and gives you something to look forward to together. These could be grand events or small moments of connection, such as:

• Evening walks
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Weekend picnics
• Trips to the markets
• Phone-free movie nights
• Cooking together with music playing.

What you choose should be reflective of what you and your partner enjoy doing.

By scheduling in a ritual, you can reduce the mental load of planning emotional intimacy while reaping all the rewards of shared experiences.

Share Your Favourite Traits About Each Other

One of the best ways to build emotional intimacy in your relationship is by sharing what you love about your partner.

It’s common for compliments to dwindle after the honeymoon phase. But don’t underestimate the power of some thoughtful words of affirmation to make your partner feel appreciated.

Let them know you admire their dedication to their family, passion for nature, sense of humour, or any other trait that makes them who they are.

Instead of telling your partner “I love you”, you can show it by saying “I really love how committed you are to helping others” or “I love that I’m always laughing when I’m with you”.

Being more specific in why you love your partner will help them feel seen and give your emotional intimacy battery a boost.

Write Bucket Lists Together

Having shared goals and experiences can help you build emotional intimacy through your day-to-day activities.

Take some time to talk about your vision for the future together, and write a bucket list of short-term and long-term goals.

Your bucket list items might include:

• Finishing renovations
• Travelling to certain countries
• Mastering a new hobby or skill
• Signing up for a sport or fitness class
• Helping support your child through tertiary studies.

This exercise allows you to learn more about each other and bond over shared interests and values.

Plus, you can refer back to your list for motivation and conversation-starters when you crave connection.

Improve Communication with Counselling

Healthy communication is critical to a strong relationship. If you and your partner aren’t communicating effectively, you can experience misunderstandings, conflict, and emotional distance.

The good news is healthy communication skills can be learnt.

Counselling can be a positive step to improving the communication and closeness in your relationship.

And you don’t need to be running on an empty battery to benefit from counselling. Every couple can learn practical tools that strengthen their partnership and give their emotional intimacy a welcome recharge.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling for individuals and couples here.

It’s not uncommon to feel lonely in relationships where emotional intimacy is low. We explore what causes – and cures – loneliness in relationships here.

Friends aren’t just a nice bonus in life – they’re a key ingredient to our happiness and wellbeing.

While it’s not uncommon for some couples to spend all their time together in the early stages, neglecting friendships outside your romantic relationship can be unhealthy – and even dangerous.

If your partner doesn’t like you spending time with other people, this can be a sign of control and abuse.

We explore how maintaining friendships outside of your relationship can benefit both you and your relationship.

Improved Sense of Self

Your relationship should be just one part of a full and happy life – not your whole world.

Losing your friends can lead to losing yourself. Spending all your time with your partner can leave you socially isolated and codependent.

You might feel yourself getting ‘lost’ in the relationship, not knowing where you end and your partner begins. This can damage your sense of self and your self-worth.

Friendships can help you maintain your individual sense of identity and improve your self-esteem and self-compassion. They can also provide a fun and relaxing outlet unique to the dynamic in your relationship.

Better Mental and Physical Health

Years of mounting research shows our friendships help us live happier, healthier, and even longer lives.

Meanwhile, the health risks of loneliness are as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than the those associated with obesity.

Strong social connections have been found to:

• Create a sense of belonging and purpose
• Increase feelings of happiness and life satisfaction
• Reduce our risk of heart disease, dementia, and other chronic diseases
• Reduce our risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

Trustworthy Relationship Advice

All relationships need support from time to time, and it’s important you have someone to confide in who can provide an outside perspective.

Friends can offer a listening ear when we need advice about our relationship – or simply a safe outlet to vent.

Your friends have your best interests at heart and can often provide a different point of view on your relationship issues. This can be especially helpful if your feelings tend to cloud your judgement when it comes to your partner.

Insights from your friends can even help make you a better partner in your relationship as they can help increase your self-awareness and empathy.

Healthier Relationship

You can’t get everything you need from one person.

It’s unrealistic – and unfair – to expect your partner to be your entire emotional support system.

And it’s unhealthy for your partner to expect you to neglect your friendships for them. In fact, isolating you from your loved ones is a form of coercive control, a type of domestic abuse.

In a healthy and secure relationship, both partners will encourage each other to maintain their hobbies, social connections, and independence. The relationship benefits when both partners can thrive as individuals and respect each other’s right to do the same.

If you need some support to get to this point in your relationship, speaking to a professional counsellor can help. We can help you address underlying issues as a couple or on your own.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

Knowing your attachment style can help you better understand your behaviours in relationships. We explore in our blog post How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Relationship.