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Am I codependent?

Some dependence is healthy in a relationship, where both people can rely on each other when they need support. 

But what happens when you rely on each other too much? This can lead to codependence. 

A codependent relationship is an unhealthy dynamic where one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. 

Both people can get “lost” in the relationship, abandoning their individual sense of identity and neglecting other relationships and goals. 

We explore what codependency can look like in relationships and how to change unhealthy patterns for a happier partnership. 

 

Signs of Codependency in Relationships

Some people mistake being ‘clingy’ for being codependent. While clinginess can be a sign of codependence, there’s much more to codependent relationships than this. 

A codependent person gets all their self-worth from sacrificing themselves for their partner, who enables this behaviour because it benefits them. Many codependent relationships involve emotional abuse. 

It’s important to remember that codependent relationships aren’t always romantic – they can also exist between friends or family members. 

Some signs of codependency in relationships include: 

  • Fear of rejection or abandonment 
  • Trouble making decisions for yourself 
  • Planning your life around your partner 
  • Needing constant reassurance from your partner 
  • Doing more than your fair share to keep the peace 
  • Discomfort or anxiety being away from your partner 
  • Consistently putting your partner’s needs above your own
  • Neglecting other relationships and areas of life for your partner
  • Having poor or no boundaries, e.g. saying “yes” when you want to say “no”
  • Your self-worth and mood relying on the behaviour and approval of your partner
  • Making excuses for your partner’s behaviour, even at the expense of your wellbeing
  • Feeling responsible for your partner’s feelings and wellbeing and wanting to fix their problems
  • Feeling like you can’t speak up about your own needs, or feeling guilty for having them in the first place. 

    People who are codependent in adult relationships often learned these behaviours from the adults around them growing up. 

    Perhaps they had a parent with boundary issues who self-sacrificed for others. Or maybe they didn’t have their needs met by their parents, learning from a young age to ignore their own needs and instead focus on what they can do for others to keep the peace. 

    Learning your attachment style can help you understand your patterns in relationships. We explore further in our blog post How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Relationship.

     

    How to Overcome Codependency in Relationships 

    Codependency can be a deeply rooted part of who we are and how we relate to the people around us. 

    It may not be an easy fix, but there are some strategies you can take to start to heal and move away from unhealthy behaviours. 

    Work on your self-esteem 

    People who are codependent often struggle with low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of having their own needs and preferences considered. 

    You can start to work on your self-esteem by challenging negative self-talk and focusing on your strengths and all the positives you have to offer in your relationships. 

    Establish healthy boundaries 

    Boundaries are key for protecting our wellbeing and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships. Once you start setting boundaries with your partner, you may find it gets easier and easier to advocate for yourself and your needs. 

    We offer some advice to identify and communicate your boundaries here. 

    Maintain social connections 

    You can’t get everything you need from one person – even the love of your life. 

    Maintaining relationships with friends and family can help improve your self-esteem and prevent loneliness. It’s also important to have a support network separate from your partner for those days when you need advice or an outside perspective on your relationship. 

    Enjoy life outside of your relationship 

    While it’s normal to love spending time with your partner, it’s not healthy for your world to revolve around them. Your romantic relationship should be just one part of a happy and fulfilling life. 

    Make an effort to maintain your personal identity and independence with your own hobbies, goals, and social connections. 

    Consider counselling as a couple and/or individual 

    Communication is key when it comes to nurturing a healthy and equal relationship. But it can be difficult to talk about complicated issues – especially if you’re prone to bottling up your feelings. 

    If you need some support to overcome codependent behaviours or address underlying issues as a couple or on your own, speaking to a professional counsellor can help. 

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here. 

    How to Reconnect After a Relationship Break

    Not all breaks end in a breakup. In some situations, taking a break can be the healthiest step forward for a relationship.

    Breaks can be an opportunity to reflect on what’s not working and gain clarity on your needs and expectations.

    There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to reconnecting after a relationship break, but we hope this advice helps you move forward with respect and understanding.

     

    Address Past Issues

    It can be tempting to get swept up in the romance of reconnecting, but whatever you do, don’t sweep your issues under the rug.

    There’s a reason you took a break, and these concerns need to be addressed if you want a happier, healthier, lasting relationship.

    Take the time to discuss the issue/s leading to the relationship break, and make space for each other to share your perspectives. Discuss what you learnt during your break and how you’d like things to change moving forward.

    It can take a lot of work to avoid falling back into old patterns, so it’s important you both take accountability and commit to your new goals and expectations.

    While talking about the past can be painful, these conversations can bring you closer and improve your ability to navigate tough topics together – crucial skills for a healthy partnership.

    We offer some great practical tips to have a difficult conversation here.

     

    Forgive Each Other

    Holding on to resentment and anger for past mistakes is not a healthy place to restart your relationship.

    If you can’t forgive your partner or trust they’ll commit to making positive changes, consider whether you really want to continue the relationship or not.

    There’s no time limit on your relationship break. If you’re still feeling hurt and need more time to process the problems and whether you can move past them, let your partner know.

    Talking to a counsellor can help you explore your feelings and concerns in a safe, non-judgemental space.

    Counselling is a great option if you’re feeling stuck or need an outside perspective. Our counsellors won’t tell you what to do, but they will help you gain clarity on what you feel is best for you.

     

    Rekindle the Love

    Once you’ve resolved your issues and agreed on how you want your relationship to look this time around, you can focus on rekindling the romance.

    Put in some extra effort for:

    • Quality time – Chances are you missed each other during your time apart, so now’s the time to enjoy each other’s company with quality time. Booking in a weekly screen-free date night can be a great way to encourage conversation and connection.
    • Flirting – Just because it’s not a new relationship doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve the same flirtation and fun as the first time around. Make your partner feel special with plenty of compliments, affection, and thoughtful touches like love notes.
    • Check-ins – Make time to check in with how you’re both feeling in your relationship and if there are any areas that need more attention. Having regular open, honest conversations will help build intimacy and avoid issues building up.

     

    We offer counselling for individuals and couples going through changes or tough times.

    Talking to a counsellor can help you work through things in a supportive environment. This can be especially helpful if you and your partner struggle with communication.

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more about our counselling services here.

    In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. We share tips to bring out the best in your partner here.

    What is emotional intelligence and how can you improve it?

    Emotional intelligence (also known as emotional quotient or EQ) is an important skill for navigating personal and professional relationships.

    It refers to the ability to read the emotions of others and understand and manage your own emotions in a healthy way.

    Just like general intelligence, EQ varies from person to person.

    Developing emotional intelligence can help you build stronger relationships with others. It can also increase your resilience and ability to handle stress and other difficult feelings.

    We explore the signs of high and low emotional intelligence and offer some tips to build your EQ here.

     

    Signs of Emotional Intelligence

    People with emotional intelligence can recognise emotions in themselves and others and use self-control to respond appropriately.

    They’re aware of – and care about – how their emotions and moods impact others, and they take steps to avoid causing hurt and to maintain harmonious relationships.

    Emotional intelligence is strongly linked to empathy. Emotionally intelligent people can read others, observing social and emotional cues to understand what someone might be feeling underneath.

    Some key signs of high emotional intelligence might include:

    • Self-awareness – Knowing your strengths, weaknesses, and triggers
    • Self-control – Ability to regulate emotions and control impulsive behaviours
    • Empathy – Recognising how other people feel and responding appropriately
    • Healthy boundaries – Awareness of your limits, and ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries
    • Respectful communication – Ability to express emotions and needs in a respectful way, as well as listen and consider other perspectives and solutions.

     

    Signs of Low Emotional Intelligence

    People with low emotional intelligence generally lack self-awareness and self-control. They may appear selfish as they don’t consider how their moods and behaviours impact those around them.

    They often miss social and emotional cues and say things that are insensitive and/or inappropriate.

    For example, someone with low emotional intelligence might make a joke when a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one. They may also lash out in emotional outbursts when things don’t go their way.

    Some key signs of low emotional intelligence might include:

    • Lack of empathy – Inability to understand other people’s feelings or consider their point of view
    • Lack of self-control – Emotional outbursts or mood changes, particularly during conflict or tense situations
    • Fixation on mistakes – Tendency to fixate on mistakes or constructive feedback instead of learning from them and moving on
    • Obliviousness to social cues – Missing social and emotional cues from those around them and potentially responding inappropriately
    • Complaining and negativity – Tendency to complain about an issue without considering solutions, and often finding someone else to blame.

     

    Why is emotional intelligence important?

    Emotional intelligence helps us understand ourselves and the people around us.

    It helps us build relationships, communicate effectively, and navigate conflict respectfully. It can make us great friends, partners, and colleagues as we’re aware of our actions and care about the feelings of those around us.

    EQ is a highly sought-after trait in professionals – particularly leaders. Some hiring managers specifically seek emotional intelligence in candidates.

    Research shows emotional intelligence can enhance our general quality of life, making us feel more satisfied and rewarded in our personal and professional lives.

     

    How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

    Improving your emotional intelligence can help increase your success at work and in your relationships.

    Here are some tips to build your EQ by improving your:

    • Self-awareness
    • Self-control
    • Empathy.

    Get to know yourself better

    Self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence. Reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and values, and pay attention to your knee-jerk emotional reactions.

    Are there particular topics or situations that trigger tough emotions for you? How do your emotions factor into your decisions?

    You can learn more about yourself by keeping a journal, monitoring your self-talk or inner monologue, and even asking trusted people for feedback.

    Respond intentionally

    Our emotions can tell us a lot about ourselves. When we take time to identify them, pause, and respond thoughtfully, we can have healthier interactions and avoid impulsive outbursts.

    The more self-aware we are, the more we can recognise when we’re feeling elevated and practise self-control.

    You can use self-regulating tactics such as:

    • Considering the ultimate outcome you want and what kind of response would achieve it.
    • Naming the emotion and paying attention to the kinds of thoughts and physical feelings it’s causing in your body.
    • Pausing before responding, whether this involves taking a deep breath or even saying “I just need a moment to get my thoughts together”.

    Tune in to the emotions of others

    Paying attention to the emotions and needs of the people around us can help us build closer connections. It can strengthen our empathy and make our friends, partners, and colleagues feel seen, understood, and cared about.

    When we really listen to the people around us and consider how things might feel in their situation, we can consider an appropriate way to respond.

    For example, if you recognise your partner is tired or irritable, you can predict your joke isn’t going to land well. If you notice your friend is less chatty than usual, you might assume they have something on their mind and ask if they want to talk about it.

    Improving your emotional intelligence takes time and effort, but your relationships will thank you for it. If you’re finding it tough to get started on your own, talking to a counsellor can help.

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

    Want to improve your communication skills? You might find our blog post How to Be a Good Listener helpful.

    How to Apologise to Someone You Hurt Unintentionally

    No one likes seeing a loved one upset, especially if we’re the cause.

    It can be tough to know how to say we’re sorry when our intentions were good. But if you’ve accidentally offended a friend, relative, or partner, it’s important to acknowledge the mistake and let them know they can feel safe around you.

    A genuine apology can save a relationship – and an insincere one can make things worse.

    We share some advice to apologise sincerely and rebuild trust so your relationship can move forward.

     

    Have empathy

    Take time to reflect on the situation and consider how it might feel from their perspective.

    Understand that your intent does not equal impact, and your loved one is entitled to their feelings – even if they interpreted your words or actions differently than you’d meant them.

    Chances are you can remember a time when someone hurt you without meaning to. How did it feel? Did they try to understand your point of view and apologise? Or did they get defensive and make you feel like you were being too sensitive?

     

    Take accountability

    Accountability is key for a sincere apology.

    No genuine apology starts with “I’m sorry you’re upset” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

    This doesn’t express regret for your actions or admit you did anything wrong. Instead, it puts the blame on your loved one and invalidates their feelings.

    Make sure you use the words “I’m sorry I did/said X” to take accountability for your actions and show you respect their feelings.

     

    Be specific

    It’s easy enough to say sorry for your actions, but this doesn’t always show that you understand why they were hurtful.

    Specify what you’re sorry for and validate your loved one’s reaction.

    For example:

    “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the dinner. I can see how it made you feel excluded. I should’ve been more considerate.”

     

    Don’t make excuses

    While it may be tempting to explain what you meant or how they may have misunderstood your intentions, this will likely cause more harm than good.

    Avoid slipping any excuses into your apology. Instead, take responsibility for your actions and focus on moving forward.

     

    Assure it won’t happen again

    It’s important to remember that there may be long-term impacts of your actions, even if your loved one forgives you.

    Providing a resolution in your apology can be a huge step to healing the relationship and moving forward faster.

    Explain the steps you’ll take to ensure the mistake won’t happen again, and ask your loved one if there’s anything they need from you to help make amends.

     

    Saying sorry can be difficult for some people. It might raise feelings of shame, or we might not be comfortable being vulnerable.

    If you need support working on these internal obstacles, speaking to a professional counsellor can help.

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

    If you found this advice helpful, you might like our blog post How to Have a Difficult Conversation

    Signs of Unhealthy Communication in a Relationship

    Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce in Australia.

    Effective communication is key to a strong and healthy relationship. It allows us to understand ourselves and our partner, build emotional intimacy, and better navigate disagreements.

    When communication breaks down, it can result in conflict, misunderstandings, and emotional distance.

    We explore some common examples of poor communication and offer advice to improve the communication in your relationship here.

     

    Refusing to communicate

    A partner might avoid talking about certain topics or talking altogether due to feeling emotionally overwhelmed. They might withdraw and shut down, or even lash out at their partner when they try to discuss an issue, saying things such as:

    • “I’m not talking about this.”
    • “I don’t have to listen to this.”
    • “I’m not in the mood to argue.”

    Avoiding communication can create a lack of intimacy and emotional distance in the relationship. It can also leave issues unresolved and lead to resentment.

     

    Silent treatment

    The silent treatment, cold shoulder, or stonewalling is a refusal to communicate with someone verbally or electronically, often to hint you’re unhappy or as a form of punishment.

    For example, say your partner comes home late after a night out. You’re upset they didn’t respond to your texts and were out later than they’d planned. Instead of voicing these concerns, you ignore your partner and walk away when they offer a hug.

    The silent treatment is a common tactic among people who aren’t comfortable communicating their needs or who avoid conflict in their relationships.

    Not only can the silent treatment damage the connection and trust within your relationship, but it can also be a form of emotional abuse.

     

    Passive-aggressive behaviour

    Instead of directly addressing an issue, you might use passive-aggressive behaviour to indicate you’re unhappy. This might include sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or ridicule. It can include nonverbal cues such as heavy sighing, groaning, eye-rolling, stomping, or slamming doors.

    For example, in a scenario where your partner forgot to take the bin out (again), with healthy communication, you would approach them and say something like:

    “I understand you’ve been busy with work, but could you please remember to take the bin out? I’d really appreciate it.”

    In a passive-aggressive interaction, you would avoid directly raising your concerns and instead say something like:

    “I guess I’ll just take the bin out myself since everyone else is too lazy!”

    This behaviour tells your partner you’re upset without seeking an opportunity to connect and find a solution.

     

    Interrupting and talking over each other

    It’s hard to understand each other’s perspective if you’re constantly interrupting and/or talking over each other.

    Conversations – and even disagreements – are an opportunity to learn more about your partner and their inner world. If you’re not listening to your partner with the intent to understand them, but simply with the intent to reply, you’re not going to have a productive conversation.

    You’re also likely to feel unheard, misunderstood, and frustrated.

     

    Blaming and criticisms

    Approaching disagreements with language that blames, shames, or belittles your partner doesn’t create a safe space for a respectful conversation. In fact, it can leave your partner feeling attacked and defensive.

    If you’re looking to resolve concerns, it’s always best to approach the situation in a calm manner and take responsibility for your feelings rather than point the finger.

    For example, instead of:

    “You’re always on your phone. You never pay attention to me.”

    You might try:

    “I feel like we’re missing out on quality time when you’re on your phone. I’d really like to spend more time talking after work.”

    This takes away the blame and focuses on the issue and a solution instead.

     

    How to communicate better

    The good news is healthy communication skills can be learnt.

    We have a selection of helpful articles with advice to improve communication and increase connection in your relationship:

     

    If you need some extra help working through issues in your relationship, speaking to a professional counsellor can help. We offer counselling for individuals and couples.

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here.

    How to Make Online Dating Work for You

    Online dating has become a part of many Australians’ lives over recent years.

    Data shows 3.2 million Aussies used dating apps in 2022, with most users (26.1%) aged 25 to 34 years.

    But as normalised as dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble have become, navigating the online dating world can still feel foreign and awkward for some of us.

    We offer some online dating advice with these tips to make the most of dating apps.

     

    Find the right app

    Sure, it may seem appealing to cast a wide net and spread your eggs across several baskets. But if you’re looking for ‘the one’ on an app that has a reputation for being solely for quick hookups, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Take the time to do some research and ask friends for their thoughts on different dating apps so you can make an informed decision based on what aligns with your preferences.

     

    Be honest upfront

    Your profile should be an accurate representation of your interests and values – and your appearance.

    Being honest and clear about who you are and what you’re looking for will increase the chances of matching and meeting with people you’re actually compatible with.

    For example, while it may be tempting to add the obligatory hiking photo, if you don’t genuinely enjoy getting out and hitting the mountains, don’t include one in your profile. Stick with what best represents you and the kind of lifestyle you’d like to share with a significant other.

    If you have any non-negotiables or dealbreakers, mentioning these early on can save a lot of time and energy (and potentially an awkward conversation or two).

    And while it’s important to include photos that put your best foot forward, make sure they accurately depict how you currently look. If you’re misleading about your appearance, a potential partner may wonder what else you’re not being transparent about.

     

    Keep an open mind

    Have a strict ‘type’ you tend to go for? It might be time to let it go.

    Maybe you exclusively date people with a certain aesthetic or you only go for people who share your love of a particular hobby. Or maybe you intentionally avoid ‘gamers’ or people who have been divorced.

    While it’s not uncommon for people to have a type when it comes to dating, this doesn’t mean we always choose the right partner with this lens.

    Having a strict type can cause us to unnecessarily limit ourselves and miss our chance with people outside this pool who could have long-term future potential.

    Try to be flexible and open to new experiences – you may surprise yourself with the diverse range of interesting people you end up connecting with.

     

    Skip the small talk

    Small talk has its place, but it can feel generic in the online dating world.

    There’s no one-size-fits-all formula to starting the perfect online dating conversation, but asking considered questions based on specific information in their profile is a great place to start.

    For example, if they’ve shared a photo of a trip to Italy, ask them what their favourite meal was. If you notice a dog in a photo, ask what its name is.

    Not only will this help you stand out from the barrage of “Hey” messages from other admirers, but it will also speed up the process of getting to know each other and finding interesting topics to discuss.

     

    Have fun

    Dating should be fun, not a chore. If you find yourself getting frustrated or if it feels draining, know when to take a break from the apps.

    Don’t force it if you’re not in the right headspace or if your heart isn’t in it.

    Remember to check in with yourself and lean on your support network when you need to. Sharing your experiences (good and bad) with people you trust can help you see different perspectives and build resilience.

     

    If you need some extra help defining what you want from a partner or working through any relationship insecurities, speaking to a professional counsellor can help.

    You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling services here.

    For more dating advice, explore our top 5 green flags to look for in a new relationship.

    How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship

    Do you use control over your partner to get what you want? 

    Controlling partners use power and control through manipulative behaviours such as blame, guilt, and criticism. Controlling behaviour becomes abusive when it’s coercive or threatening. 

    Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that can cause serious ongoing harm. It can exist on its own without physical abuse, and might include behaviours such as guilting your partner for spending time away from you or wanting to know where they are and who they’re with at all times. 

    A lot of the time, the use of control in a romantic relationship stems from insecurities and fear of abandonment. 

    “Control is really an illusion and will not create a loving, safe relationship where two people can be totally themselves and grow together,” explains Relationship Counsellor and Regional Manager, Val Holden. 

    “In fact, it can create the opposite, where two people are living in a stressful, unhealthy relationship where no one gets their needs met.” 

    If you notice controlling behaviours in yourself, it’s important to address these unhealthy patterns early to create a healthier dynamic and prevent further harm. 

    Val explores the use of control in relationships and offers some advice for how to stop trying to control your partner. 

     

    Why might someone use control in their relationship?

    There are many reasons why someone might use control in their relationship, such as: 

    • Anxiety 
    • Jealousy 
    • Low self-esteem and insecurities 
    • Growing up around unhealthy relationships 
    • Past experiences of abandonment from partner/s or loved ones 
    • Wanting to assert gender stereotypes (e.g. belief that men should be dominant over women). 

      “Fear of losing someone you love is often the driving force behind control in a relationship,” Val explains. 

      “This can make you act in a very jealous way and want to control and know exactly what your partner is doing and where they are at all times.” 

      Whether the person using control is aware of these tactics or not, they often don’t realise that they can ultimately drive their loved one away, not keep them close. 

      Controlling behaviours can even feel like a knee-jerk response out of fear or desperation when anxiety and jealousy in a relationship are triggered. 

       

      Why is control in relationships damaging?

      Control in any relationship can cause serious damage – whether it’s within a romantic relationship, between family members, or in the workplace. 

      “Wanting to control another person’s actions, behaviours, and beliefs is not a healthy way to behave in a relationship,” says Val. 

      “The other person can feel threatened, afraid, stifled, and not able to be themselves.” 

      While control is often used to keep your partner close, it often results in the opposite, Val explains. 

      “Trying to control your partner may result in them not sharing with you,” she says. 

      “This can then feed into your own fears and insecurities, which will trigger your need to find out what is happening. You may get upset and angry, start asking lots of questions, make accusations, and end up arguing and fighting.” 

      This can start the vicious cycle of mistrust and lying. One party is increasingly frightened to be open so begins to hide where they’re going and what they’re doing. 

      The controlling partner begins to feel left out, rejected, and paranoid, which may exacerbate their insecurities and need to assert control over their partner. 

       

      How to Stop Trying to Control Your Partner

      The good news is you can address these behaviours and make healthy changes for yourself and your partner. 

      Val suggests the following approaches to try to address the issue and find healthier ways to cope: 

      • Seek personal counselling – This can help you work on understanding yourself, how you tick, and what makes you fearful, insecure, angry, sad, or hurt.   
      • Learn your attachment style – This is something your counsellor can also help you with. It can help you understand how you relate to your intimate partners and how much of your self-worth and happiness is dependent on them. 
      • Practise open communication – Some people use control because they don’t know how to communicate their feelings. Try being honest with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. For example, you might explain: “When you leave and don’t tell me where you’re going, I feel scared that you won’t come home, and I worry about our future.” 
      • Recognise the feeling and take a step back – If you feel yourself starting to react, remove yourself from the situation until you can respond calmly. Find some time to reflect, breathe, and do some positive self-talk. Only communicate with your partner once you’ve regulated your emotions and can have a respectful conversation. 

         

        Seeking Help for Controlling Behaviours

        Learning about yourself and the reasons why you’re using control over your partner can be an important first step to making healthy changes for your relationship. Both you and your partner deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship. 

        Our counsellors can help you identify and address any underlying issues within yourself that may contribute to harmful relationship patterns. 

        You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services here. 

        We explore more examples of coercive control in_this article

        Have we lost our sense of community?

        When you reminisce on your childhood, you may recall regularly being surrounded by your cousins and extended family, or playing with the neighbouring kids while the adults chatted on front lawns.

        These days, some of us are lucky to see our extended family members once a year, and we may never even meet our neighbours.

        It seems we’re losing the sense of community we remember from years past and becoming more siloed and separate from the people around us.

        Research shows the number of close friends that Australians have has approximately halved since the mid-1980s, as has the number of neighbours who we know well enough to drop in on uninvited.

        Relationships Australia’s Relationship Indicators 2022 survey revealed we’re lonelier than ever, showing almost a quarter (23.9%) of Australians are lonely.

        All humans have a basic need for social connection and to feel a sense of belonging in a community. And when this need isn’t met, our mental and physical health can suffer.

        So why are we becoming more disconnected from friends and family? And how can we strengthen our connections and revive our sense of community? We explore here.

         

        Australia’s Individualist Culture

        Research has found that Australia has an increasingly individualist culture.

        Societies that score highly on the individualism scale are considered to place more importance on the “I”. As an individualist culture, Australians tend to focus on themselves and their immediate family, valuing independence, personal goals, self-reliance, and privacy.

        Collectivist cultures, on the other hand, prioritise strong family and friend groups, focusing on what’s best for the community as a whole. In these societies, helping others and asking for help from others is encouraged, and responsibility to others is highly valued.

        It’s likely that living in a highly individualist culture is influencing our perception of community and normalising a lifestyle that’s more siloed and separate to others.

        How to combat it: Prioritise existing connections and find new ways to get involved in your community. For example, you might like to introduce a weekly phone call or catchup with a loved one to ensure you’re getting regular social interactions, and make an effort to meet your neighbours if you haven’t already.

        We offer some easy ways to create a sense of community in your neighbourhood in this blog post.

         

        Cost of Living

        The rising cost of living is impacting more than our wallets – it’s also changing the way we socialise.

        Some of us are seeing our friends less than we’d like to, missing out on social events and becoming more and more selective of the catchups we can fit into our budget.

        Some Aussies have reported they’re choosing to stay in and cook rather than go out with friends, while others are disappointed they’re no longer able to host friends as often due to rising interest rates.

        How to combat it: Find cost-effective alternatives. Chances are most of your friends are feeling the pinch too, so try suggesting cheap or free ways to spend time together, such as meeting for a nature walk or a BYO picnic.

         

        Social Media and Technology

        Social media can be a great way to stay up to date with the lives of your loved ones. But it’s not uncommon for online interactions to substitute important face-to-face catchups.

        When we can see our friends’ updates online, we may be less likely to reach out to them in person to see how they’re doing, and this can lead to social withdrawal.

        Research shows a link between heavy social media use and feelings of social isolation and loneliness.

        The study found those who spend the most time on social media (over two hours a day) had twice the odds of perceived social isolation than those who said they only spent half an hour or less a day on those sites.

        Current technology has also given us more options than ever for entertainment, with streaming services like Netflix available to fill our time 24/7 without leaving the house. While we may have reached out to loved ones to fill our weekends and avoid boredom back in the day, we no longer rely on socialising as much for entertainment.

        How to combat it: Save some of your updates for in person and try ‘screen-free Sundays’. Next time you have some exciting news, prioritise telling your loved ones in person before sharing it to your social media accounts.

        Try giving screens a break once every week or two – you may be surprised at how much free time you suddenly have for socialising!

         

        Glorifying Busyness

        Productivity and success have become important social values for many of us, with a lot of emphasis being placed on ‘hustle culture’ – especially online.

        This focus on staying busy and ticking off goals can push friends and family down on our priority list. It can also make it difficult to find a time that works for everyone to catch up.

        When juggling a busy schedule of work and family responsibilities, maintaining other relationships may feel like an obligation at times.

        How to combat it: Be more intentional with your free time. If you’re finding it tough to fit regular social events in your calendar, consider intentionally dedicating time to loved ones with plenty of notice. For example, you might block out the first weekend of every month specifically for socialising.

         

        Having Kids Later in Life

        Research tells us that compared to previous generations, Australians are choosing to have fewer kids, and they’re having them later in life.

        While some of us might remember growing up surrounded by cousins around our age, it seems it’s less common to see siblings and relatives raising a big group of kids together at the same time.

        There seems to be less importance placed on the ‘village’ of extended family than in previous generations as our family circles are shrinking.

        How to combat it: Focus on your ‘chosen family’ and opt for more child-friendly social activities with friends. You can create your own village by involving your kids and your friends’ kids in your catchups more often.

         

        If you’re struggling with feelings of loneliness, talking to a counsellor can help you explore your feelings and potential strategies. Learn more about our counselling services or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

        We offer 5 tips to find your tribe of fulfilling friendships in this blog post.

        The Dos and Don’ts of Dating a Bisexual

        Navigating any new romantic relationship can be an exciting yet delicate dance.

        But dating someone who is attracted to multiple genders can raise some unique questions or insecurities – particularly for people who aren’t part of the LGBTQIA+ communities themselves.

        This Bisexual Awareness Week (16-23 September), we’d like to offer some advice for dating someone who identifies as bisexual to help you nurture a healthy and respectful relationship.

        Here are some important dos and don’ts of dating a bisexual or pansexual.

         

        Do: Take time to learn about the community

        Make an effort to learn about the bisexual community as well as all the LGBTQIA+ communities.

        Educate yourself on important things like respectful terminology, culture, and issues faced today and historically.

        Learn about biphobia and bi-erasure, and support your partner to share their experience and express their identity.

        Remember: Just as not all straight people are the same, neither are all bisexuals. The best way to learn about your partner is to ask questions – just be mindful of being respectful and avoiding biphobic stereotypes (more on that below).

        Organisations like Minus18 and LGBTIQA+ Health Australia have some great resources to help you learn more about bisexuality and the LGBTQIA+ communities.

         

        Don’t: Ask biphobic or invalidating questions

        While it’s fine (and encouraged) to be curious and ask questions, there are some questions and assumptions that can be biphobic and offensive.

        For example, don’t ask your partner “Which gender do you prefer?” or “Is it just a phase?”. These can reinforce unhelpful stereotypes and make your partner feel invalidated and misunderstood.

        Some individuals who identify as bisexual can feel like they don’t quite belong in the queer community, especially if they’re in a traditional heterosexual relationship.

        Be mindful to avoid harmful stereotypes and understand and affirm your partner’s sexuality.

        We offer tips to be a good listener in this blog post.

         

        Do: Be a genuine ally

        While someone’s sexual identity shouldn’t define them, it can still be a large part of who they are and have a significant impact on how they experience the world around them. Your active support and allyship can be incredibly affirming and important for your partner.

        Along with learning more about the bisexual community, make an effort to be vocal and visible in your support for LGBTQIA+ folks and their rights.

        Pay attention to what’s happening in the news and offer to join your partner at LGBTQIA+ events and rallies. FYI: The bisexual flag is pink, purple, and blue!

         

        Don’t: Assume your relationship defines their sexuality

        No, bisexual people don’t magically become straight when they’re in a relationship with a heterosexual partner.

        Your relationship status does not change your sexuality. Assuming your relationship defines your partner’s sexuality rejects a huge part of their identity and their past, and falls into that bucket of biphobia/bi-erasure.

        Respect your partner’s bisexuality as part of their identity regardless of your relationship.

         

        Do: Trust them as you would any other partner

        A common harmful myth about people who are attracted to more than one gender is that they are more likely to cheat because their dating pool is larger.

        Bisexual or pansexual people are no more likely to cheat on you than anyone else.

        Just because your partner is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’re attracted to everyone, or that they’re going to be unfaithful or wish for a polyamorous relationship.

        If you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship, trust your partner as you would any other partner.

        Remember to communicate any insecurities or concerns with your partner respectfully, and don’t make assumptions about how they feel based on their sexuality.

        Keep in mind that excessive jealousy and constant accusations of cheating in a relationship can be forms of coercive control.

        At the end of the day, dating someone who is bisexual or pansexual should involve the same level of respect, trust, love, and support as dating anyone else.

        Approach the relationship with an open mind and an open heart, and remember that your partner chose to be with you over anyone else – so you must be pretty special!

        If you’re having a tough time in your relationship, talking to a counsellor can help you explore your feelings and potential coping strategies. Learn more about our counselling services or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

        If you found this blog post helpful, you might enjoy our tips to bring out the best in your partner.

        How to Throw a Block Party

        Do you know your neighbours?

        Having a positive relationship with your neighbours can increase security and provide access to resources and support when needed.

        You don’t have to be best friends with your neighbours, but making an effort to meet them and develop mutual respect can make for a more peaceful and positive living environment.

        Neighbourhood block parties or street parties are a great way to get to know your neighbours better and build a sense of community.

        Here are some key steps to hosting a successful block party in your neighbourhood.

         

        Choose a date with plenty of notice

        It can be tough to find a date that works for everyone, but choosing a date well in advance can give people enough notice to organise their schedules and increase attendance.

        It can also give you plenty of time to organise the event – especially if you require public liability, insurance, and a road closure.

        Be mindful of holidays and days of observation when choosing the date for your block party to ensure as many people as possible can attend. For example, your neighbours may already have plans around holidays like ANZAC Day, Easter, and Christmas.

         

        Apply for insurance and a road closure

        While you can host a neighbourhood party on your front lawn or spread across a few front lawns, closing off your street can make for a fun and novel (and safe) event – especially for kids on bikes and scooters!

        It’s also not uncommon to host a neighbourhood party at your house. However, hosting it on your street can feel like a more casual, neutral setting for an event with new people.

        Depending on your local area, the process for this will look a little something like this:

        1. Apply for public liability and insurance

        Public liability and insurance protect you and anyone else if they suffer an injury or damage occurs.

        You might like to ask attending neighbours to contribute to the fees involved. Some local councils will even reimburse you after your party.

        You can go to Local Community Insurance Services to learn more and apply for your public liability and insurance.

        2. Apply for a road closure

        You can generally apply for a temporary road closure online with your local council. Most councils don’t charge to close the road, but they do require proof of public liability and insurance, so don’t skip the first step.

        You may be required to pay a small hire fee for road closure signs, or you may be able to purchase them yourself for a lower price.

         

        Ask each household to bring a dish

        Chances are your neighbours will offer to help with the organising, and asking for a hand with the food is a great way to lighten your load.

        Having each household bring a dish to share can serve as a conversation-starter, especially if your neighbours identify with different cultures.

        This can also be a great way to ensure everyone’s dietary requirements are met. You may even like to ask attendees to label their food and specify whether they contain any common allergens or meet certain dietary requirements.

         

        Make a family-friendly playlist

        Music is a must when it comes to creating a party atmosphere (and to fill any potential awkward silences).

        Aim to create a playlist of crowd-pleasers that most people can enjoy, and avoid anything with swearing or adult themes. You can make your own or browse existing playlists on Spotify or YouTube.

        Remember to keep the volume low enough that people can talk without raising their voices.

         

        Consider activities to break the ice

        Meeting new people can be overwhelming for some people.

        Having some casual activities like classic lawn games can give attendees something to focus on and help create a point of conversation. This can take the pressure off when small talk runs dry, and it’s also a great way to keep kids entertained.

         

        If you struggle in social settings, talking to a counsellor can help you explore your feelings and potential strategies. Learn more about our counselling services or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

        We offer more ways to create a sense of community in your neighbourhood in this blog post.