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Category: Relationships & Dating

How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Relationship

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Have you noticed repeating patterns in your relationships?

Maybe you feel insecure and seek a lot of validation from your partner? Or maybe you bolt at the first sign of emotional intimacy?

These behaviours can be signs of your attachment style.

Our attachment style starts taking shape from infancy based on how our primary caregivers (usually parents) meet our needs. This forms the foundations for how we perceive and act in relationships into adulthood.

Identifying your attachment style can help you understand your behaviour in relationships and how you relate to your partner. It can also help you recognise your vulnerabilities to form healthier, more secure bonds.

We explore the attachment styles, how they’re formed, and how they can show up in relationships.

 

Attachment Theory

Pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, your attachment style describes the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver.

According to attachment theory, the quality of the bonding you experienced during this first relationship often determines how well you relate to other people and respond to intimacy throughout the rest of your life.

Your attachment style can show up in distinct behaviours in your relationship with your romantic partner – and even in how you parent your own children.

The four types of attachment styles are:

  • Secure
  • Avoidant (also known as dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)
  • Anxious (also known as preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)
  • Disorganised (also known as fearful-avoidant in children).

Avoidant, anxious, and disorganised are considered insecure attachment styles.

Children with an insecure attachment style can have difficulty forming healthy relationships as adults. This may be because their experiences have taught them to believe that other people are unreliable or untrustworthy.

Those who have a secure attachment style tend to find relationships easier to navigate, as they learnt early on that it’s safe to rely on other people.

 

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style generally develops in children whose needs are met by responsive and loving caregivers. They’ve learnt it’s safe to trust others and to accept and give love.

People with a secure attachment style feel safe, secure, and stable in their close relationships. Here are some ways it might show up:

  • You don’t rely on your partner alone for happiness
  • You’re comfortable expressing your feelings and needs
  • You have good self-esteem and are confident being yourself
  • You’re resilient when faced with disappointment in relationships
  • You don’t feel overly anxious when you’re apart from your partner
  • You’re able to be self-reliant as well as offer support when your partner needs it
  • You’re able to regulate your emotions and seek healthy ways to manage conflict.

 

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style forms when an infant or child’s caregiver doesn’t show care or responsiveness. This can cause the child to become emotionally distant from their caregiver and learn that they can’t rely on others, often ‘parenting’ themselves.

Some ways an avoidant attachment style can show up in a relationship include:

  • You’re self-sufficient and independent
  • You prefer casual, short-term relationships
  • You fear intimacy and feel ‘suffocated’ in relationships
  • You suppress your feelings to avoid emotional closeness
  • Your partner may accuse you of being distant and closed off
  • The ‘needier’ your partner becomes, the more you withdraw
  • You get uncomfortable when your partner expresses their emotions.

 

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style generally develops when a child depends on an unreliable and inconsistent caregiver. They learn that their caregiver may or may not come through when needed, leading to trust issues and fear of abandonment.

Here are some ways it can manifest in relationships:

  • You have a negative self-image
  • You have a fear of abandonment
  • You often feel anxious and insecure
  • You find it hard to trust your partner
  • You crave approval, attention, and validation
  • You can find it difficult to regulate your emotions
  • Your partner may accuse you of being too clingy or needy
  • You often feel jealous and anxious when you’re apart from your partner
  • Your self-worth relies on how you feel you’re being treated by your partner.

 

Disorganised Attachment

A disorganised attachment style is formed when a caregiver consistently fails to meet their child’s needs, creating a state of fear and stress in the child through anger and/or neglect. The child may replicate these abusive patterns in their adult relationships.

Some ways a disorganised attachment style can show up in a relationship include:

  • You’re afraid of getting hurt
  • You don’t feel worthy of love
  • You may be selfish and controlling in relationships
  • You have trouble trusting and relying on your partner
  • You want to be in the relationship, but you are fearful about it
  • Your partner may accuse you of not taking responsibility for your actions
  • You find it hard to regulate your emotions, which can lead to explosive and abusive behaviours
  • You find intimate relationships confusing, alternating between feelings of love and hate for your partner.

 

Seeking Support

Everyone deserves a healthy, respectful relationship where they feel safe and loved.

If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style and how to address behaviours to maintain healthier, more secure relationships, speaking to a professional counsellor can help.

Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and find healthy ways to cope and communicate with your partner.

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services, including relationship counselling.

In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Explore our tips to bring out the best in your partner.

5 Things to Avoid When Arguing with Your Partner

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Conflict isn’t always a sign a relationship is doomed. In fact, arguments can be an opportunity to increase understanding and connection in a relationship – as long as they’re handled respectfully.  

While it’s okay to disagree sometimes, arguments can be tricky, and it’s important to handle them in a respectful and healthy way.  

Here are five things to avoid when arguing with your partner, friend, or loved one.

 

1. Avoid speaking out of anger

When you’re upset, it’s easy to let your emotions spill over and say or do things you might regret later. But allowing anger to get the better of you can make the situation worse and even hurt your relationship in the long-term.  

Before you react, take a deep breath, and try to stay calm. Remember, it’s essential to treat your partner with kindness and respect, even when you disagree.  

If you feel like your emotions are too overwhelming, consider taking a short break and returning to the discussion when you’re both calmer.  

 

2. Avoid name-calling

It’s important to be respectful and avoid using hurtful language. Name-calling, swearing, and insults can lead to hurt feelings and cause lasting damage to your relationship. Instead, focus on explaining your feelings and thoughts calmly, without resorting to hurtful words.  

 

3. Avoid interrupting

Listening is crucial in any argument. Interrupting your partner while they’re talking can make them feel like you don’t care about their thoughts or feelings.  

You can show respect by allowing a 50/50 conversation where both people get to express how they feel.  

Let them finish what they have to say before sharing your perspective and be sure to ask questions to make sure you’ve understood them correctly. This way, you both get the chance to express yourselves fully, and in time, you’ll grow to understand each other better.  

 

4. Avoid playing the blame game

Arguments can quickly turn into a game of pointing fingers. Instead of blaming your partner, try to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings. You can do this by using ‘I feel’ statements instead of ‘you are’ statements. 

When you share your feelings without blaming, your partner is more likely to understand where you’re coming from and be willing to work together to find a solution.  

 

5. Avoid yelling or raising your voice

Raising your voice during an argument can make your partner feel attacked or scared. Yelling only adds more tension and may lead to one or both of you ‘shutting down’ and not being able to continue the conversation.  

If you find yourself getting louder, take a moment to pause and lower your voice. Speak in a calm and clear manner so that your partner can hear your point of view without feeling overwhelmed. This will allow you to continue to work through the issue respectfully and come to a solution together. 

 

Remember, arguing is a normal part of any relationship, but it’s important to handle disagreements with care and respect. By avoiding getting too angry, name-calling, interrupting, playing the blame game, and yelling, you can create a safe space for healthy, respectful communication with your partner.  

Understanding each other’s perspectives and feelings can help strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together. 

If you could use some help navigating conflict in your closest relationships, speaking to a professional counsellor could help. 

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services, including relationship counselling. 

We look at how often couples fight in a healthy relationship in this blog post. 

Why do I feel lonely even though I have friends?

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Australia is in a loneliness epidemic.

Relationships Australia’s Relationship Indicators 2022 survey revealed we’re lonelier than ever, showing almost a quarter (23.9%) of Australians are lonely.

Almost half (45.9%) of young people aged 18-24 reported feeling emotionally lonely.

Emotional loneliness is different to social loneliness. Social loneliness refers to the lack of a social network, while emotional loneliness is the lack of close emotional connection.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Anyone can experience loneliness, even if you have regular social interactions.

Maybe you feel drained after big events, or perhaps you don’t feel like you’ve found people who truly ‘get’ you yet. Either way, you might be wondering why you’re feeling alone in the world when you have people around you.

We explore some of the reasons why you might feel lonely even when you have friends.

 

Your connections are shallow

Spending time with surface-level friends can leave you feeling lonelier than if you’d just stayed at home by yourself.

Experts have found that too many shallow interactions can cause us to feel lonely and misunderstood.

Social Scientist Kasley Killam explains:

“Loneliness can arise from not feeling seen, understood, or validated. It can come from spending time with people who don’t share your values or interests. It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections.”

It doesn’t matter how many friends you have – if you don’t connect on a deeper level, they can leave you feeling unsatisfied and emotionally lonely.

It can take years – even decades – to truly find your people. This doesn’t need to be a group of people. It could be just one close friend who really gets you, shares your values and interests, and makes you feel truly understood and validated.

We explore ways to make deeper connections based on your values and interests in this blog post.

 

You’ve outgrown your friends

Not all friendships are made to last.

Many of us find those childhood friends or high school social groups might fizzle out as we mature and discover who we really are.

You might not share much in common anymore, and you may even find disagreements starting to arise as your values and beliefs take shape.

Outgrowing friendships is a normal part of life. It’s OK to stop reaching out to friends who no longer align with your values and don’t feel like a fulfilling or comfortable fit anymore.

We explore when to stop reaching out to a friend in this blog post.

 

You’re socialising wrong

There’s no right or wrong way to socialise. But if you feel drained and overwhelmed after hanging out in a big group of people, it might be a sign to change the way you spend time with the people you care about.

Whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between, the way we socialise can have a significant impact on our energy levels and how connected we feel to the people we spend time with.

You might find it more fulfilling to catch up with friends one at a time in a quiet setting where you can have more intimate conversations and build closeness.

 

You’re not being yourself

It’s hard to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance when you don’t know who you are – or you’re changing parts of your personality to appease the people you’re with.

If you find you have to hide or change things about yourself, or you’re walking on eggshells around people, it might be worth considering how healthy and genuine those friendships really are.

For example, if you’re a parent but none of your friends have an interest in children, you might not feel comfortable sharing that (massive) part of your life. Avoiding that topic may feel inauthentic and isolating for you.

Some friendships can do more harm than good for our self-esteem and wellbeing. If you’re not being yourself and staying true to your identity and values, you’ll likely feel a disconnect.

 

You’re struggling mentally

If you’re feeling lonely or detached from the people you care about, it could be a sign that something else is going on for you.

Maybe you’re going through a tough time mentally right now, you’re feeling burnt out from school, work, or parenting, or you’re just generally overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life. And that’s OK.

We can’t always be our most sociable and energetic selves. But if you’re finding yourself withdrawing from friends and family or struggling with feelings of loneliness, chances are there could be something deeper beneath the surface.

Speaking to a professional counsellor can help you sort through these feelings in a safe, judgement-free space, and find healthy ways to cope.

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services.

We explore some of the potential causes of disconnection and signs of social withdrawal, and offer advice to nurture fulfilling connections here.

5 Green Flags in a New Relationship

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We’ve all heard of red flags. These refer to the early warning signs of what may be an unhealthy relationship or toxic partner.

Common red flags in dating might include only talking about themselves, being rude to waitstaff, or being overly jealous.

But what about the green flags in a relationship?

While it’s important to know the signs of an unhealthy relationship, we should also pay attention to the positive behaviours and qualities that can indicate a healthy and mature partner.

Here are our top 5 green flags to look for in a new or existing relationship.

 

1. You have open and respectful communication

It might seem simple, but effective communication is a rare gift in relationships.

Growing research shows problems with communication is the most common reason for divorce or separation.

If your partner isn’t a good listener, dismisses your point of view, or shuts down at the first sign of conflict, your communication may need some work.

Some characteristics of a good communicator include:

  • Active listening – They give you their undivided attention and really listen to what you’re saying, asking relevant questions and making an effort to understand you.
  • Asking questions – One-sided conversations can be draining. If your partner asks thoughtful questions and shows a genuine interest in learning more about you, you’re on the right track.
  • Seeking clarification – Good communicators don’t assume they know what you’re thinking or what your motives are. They respectfully ask for clarification to ensure you’re on the same page and both your perspectives are considered.
  • Welcoming your thoughts – They make space for your thoughts and ideas, respecting your right to your own opinions, even when you don’t agree. They also respect your boundaries and validate your feelings, making you feel safe to share your needs.
  • Being clear and concise – Unclear communication, such as dropping hints or being passive aggressive, rarely gets you the result you want – and often leads to resentment. Effective communication involves being clear on your expectations and preferences.
  • Respectfully addressing issues – Disagreements aren’t always a sign of a fight or relationship flaw – they can be a great opportunity to understand each other and grow closer. In a healthy relationship, both people feel safe and willing to communicate respectfully through issues and disagreements, speaking up when they’re upset and hearing each other’s side of the story.

 

2. You support each other to maintain your independence

While it’s normal to get swept up in the love bubble of a new relationship, it’s not healthy to expect your partner to make you the centre of their world.

A healthy relationship is one where you encourage each other to maintain your independent lives outside of the relationship.

Your partner should support you to keep up the hobbies that fill your cup, even if that means spending time apart. They should encourage you to spend time with your friends and family, and be trusting and secure when you socialise without them.

Likewise, it’s a good sign if your partner has fulfilling relationships, hobbies, and goals outside of your relationship themselves.

 

3. You put in equal amounts of effort

A relationship requires an investment in time, effort, and energy from both people.

If you’re always the one to initiate communication or organise dates early on, there’s a chance your partner may never match your effort.

Find a partner who gives you the same level of time, energy, and enthusiasm you give them. This might include:

  • A balance of who texts/calls first
  • Sharing who initiates and organises dates
  • Alternating who travels to who (especially if long-distance)
  • Each making time in your schedules to see each other, compromising when necessary.

In a longer term relationship, this could look more like sharing the housework and being equally as committed to having quality time together.

 

4. You feel safe and comfortable to be yourself

Many of us feel pressure to make a good impression and be the ‘best version’ of ourselves on those first dates. But you should feel more relaxed and comfortable being yourself as you get to know each other better.

In a healthy relationship, both people should be comfortable being themselves knowing their partner accepts and supports them for who they are – quirks and all.

If you feel like you need to hide things about yourself, act a certain way, or walk on eggshells around your partner, they’re likely not the one for you.

 

5. You consider each other’s needs and preferences

We’re not all going to like the same food, movies, or activities, and that’s OK. But spending time with people you care about is a lot more fun when both people are enjoying themselves.

Your partner shouldn’t have to entirely sacrifice their own needs and preferences to suit you, but it is important that they consider yours when making plans, and compromise when necessary.

It’s all about finding your shared likes and interests – which is part of the fun of meeting someone new!

This includes respecting your individual needs and boundaries in a relationship too. It’s a big green flag when someone takes the time to understand what it is you need and expect in a relationship and makes an effort to accommodate you.

 

If you could use some help navigating the dating world or just want to learn more about what you need from a relationship, speaking to a professional counsellor can be a great solution.

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services, including relationship counselling.

We look at how long the honeymoon phase normally lasts and how to maintain the magic long-term in this blog post.

How to Talk to Loved Ones who Don’t Share Your Views Around The Voice

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With strong opinions on both sides of The Voice debate, you may find yourself disagreeing with some of the people you care about. 

We don’t always share the same beliefs as our friends and family members, and that’s OK. But when it comes to the topics we feel passionately about, it can be upsetting and uncomfortable when we don’t see eye to eye with the people we love. 

We hope this advice helps you communicate effectively and maintain respectful relationships if you disagree with loved ones over The Voice. 

 

Have patience and understanding 

While The Voice referendum debate is an important one, this topic and related conversations may be distressing for First Nations Peoples and their non-Indigenous family members, friends, and allies. 

This is a triggering topic for many people, and we’re all being exposed to differing public opinions throughout the media and in our social circles. 

Let’s remember this topic is an emotionally charged one, so we all need to have some extra patience, understanding, and empathy for each other – as long as we’re staying respectful, of course. 

We offer some practical ways to consider the safety and respect of First Nations Peoples leading up to the referendum here. 

 

Speak with kindness and respect 

While you don’t have to agree, you do have to remain respectful and kind – even if you’re feeling frustrated. 

Speak with kindness and respect by: 

  • Maintaining a calm tone and volume 
  • Relaxing your posture and body language 
  • Avoiding disrespectful words like swearing or name-calling 
  • Taking a deep breath and having a second to think before responding 
  • Respecting your loved one’s right to have their own opinion and feelings. 

Validating their feelings is a great way to keep the conversation productive. You might say “I can see this is really important to you.” Even if you don’t agree with them, acknowledging their feelings can make them feel heard, respected, and more open to listening. 

 

Put the topic on pause if you can’t discuss it respectfully 

There are some topics we know to avoid around certain people if we want to keep the peace. 

If The Voice referendum falls into that camp, there’s nothing wrong with creating a boundary and putting it on pause or taking it off the table entirely. 

You might let your loved one know before the interaction that you don’t want to talk about it, or agree to disagree and change the subject to something lighter in the moment. 

It may even be helpful to have some space from that person if you’re feeling yourself getting consistently upset or frustrated with them. 

We offer advice to address discrimination in this blog post. 

 

Seek help for effective communication 

It’s not easy to talk about these big topics, especially when we find ourselves arguing with the people we really care about. 

Counselling can be a great option for people who struggle to communicate or need support repairing a relationship. You may never come to agree on The Voice, but counselling can help you explore your feelings and find a solution to move on and maintain a healthy relationship. 

You can learn more about our relationship counselling_here, or call_1300 364 277_to make an appointment. 

We offer advice on how to have a difficult conversation here. 

 

Support Services 

We understand this topic may raise difficult emotions for some people. Help is available. 

RAQ offers culturally safe counselling and support services for First Nations Peoples. You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or get help finding the right support for you. 

For 24/7 crisis support, call 13YARN on 13 92 76 to talk with an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander Crisis Supporter. 

My Partner’s Anxiety is Affecting Me

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Every relationship has its ups and downs, but mental health conditions can bring unique challenges for both partners.

Research shows almost a third of people in Australia will experience an anxiety disorder in their lifetime, so many people will find themselves supporting a partner with anxiety at some point.

Being with someone with a mental health condition means loving them in full and understanding that you may need to provide extra emotional support throughout the relationship.

It can feel helpless, overwhelming, and even frustrating at times. This is normal and doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you love them any less – but it could be a sign you need to pay more attention to your own mental health.

We explore how anxiety can affect relationships and how to look after yourself while supporting a partner with anxiety.

 

How does anxiety affect relationships?

Anxiety manifests differently in different people, and no two relationships are the same.

The impacts of anxiety on a relationship will look different for everyone, but these are just some examples of how anxiety might affect a relationship.

Codependency

Some people with anxiety can be codependent or ‘clingy’ with their partner. This is generally due to a fear of rejection or abandonment.

Codependency can also show up for people with anxiety who struggle with tasks like making phone calls, doing the groceries, or driving in busy traffic. They might rely on their partner to do these anxiety-inducing tasks for them, reducing their independence and confidence.

Insecurity

Anxiety and insecurity go hand in hand for many people, and this can require a lot of positive reassurance from a partner. The partner might feel like a broken record as they constantly remind their partner with anxiety that they love them and they’re not going to leave them.

The person with anxiety might struggle with self-esteem issues, jealousy, and suspicion their partner is interested in someone else.

At times, this can make it difficult for the partner to maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex (or same sex, if relevant).

Social isolation

People who struggle with anxiety may isolate themselves and avoid social situations. This can impact their partner’s social life too, as they may feel guilty attending events without them.

Chronic tension

Emotional instability is a common symptom of anxiety, and this can cause tension in relationships. The partner may not know how to respond in certain situations or may feel like they’re walking on eggshells.

Communication breakdown

Anxiety can cause serious problems with communication and connection in intimate relationships.

It’s common for people with anxiety to feel guilty or like a burden due to stigma around mental illness. Some people with anxiety may even fear they’ll appear self-absorbed or dramatic if they talk about their anxiety too much.

This can cause them to shut down or try to hide the extent of their struggles as to not risk being “less lovable” or “too much work” to their partner, creating distance.

 

How to look after yourself while supporting a partner with anxiety

The reality is people with an anxiety disorder may need more emotional support in a relationship. This doesn’t make them selfish, but it doesn’t mean your needs should take a backseat either.

Everyone has mental health, and it’s important to look after yours even if you don’t have a mental health condition.

Here are a few ways to protect your mental wellbeing while supporting a partner with anxiety.

Learn more about anxiety

Educating yourself on anxiety and its symptoms may help you be more understanding and empathetic of what your partner is going through.

Learning helpful techniques (e.g. listening and validating their feelings, offering plenty of empathy and reassurance) can help you feel more equipped to support your partner and less helpless and overwhelmed.

We explore some of the different types of anxiety disorders here.

Communicate your feelings and boundaries

We understand it can be tricky to raise your own feelings or stresses with an anxious partner. You may worry you’re just adding to their pile of anxieties, or that they’ll feel shame or guilt as a result.

It’s important to remember that you deserve support too, and honest and respectful communication is the best way to make sure your needs are being met – and to avoid resentment down the track.

Be clear on your feelings and proposed solutions before you approach your partner. Focus on “I” statements so they don’t feel judged or blamed, and try to find specific examples if you can.

For example:

  • “I’m here for you, but I don’t feel like I can provide the level of support you need. Could therapy be a helpful option for you?”
  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed by my own stuff this week (e.g. work, family). I want to be here for you, but I don’t have the capacity to really engage and listen the way I’d like to. Can we wait until the weekend?”
  • “I understand it’s really hard for you at the moment, but I feel like it’s impacting my friendships. I’d like to put more energy into socialising. How can we make sure you’re comfortable with that?”

Remember, an anxiety-prone partner may perceive this conversation as a threat to the relationship.

Provide plenty of reassurance that you love them and you care about them, and you’re there to help find a solution.

Prepare yourself with our practical tips to have a difficult conversation.

Lean on your support network

Social support is one of the most important human needs. Having a strong support network can reduce stress and increase our resilience and overall quality of life.

Make an effort to maintain your relationships with friends and family, and don’t be afraid to reach out and open up when you’re having a tough time.

You might be surprised by how relieved you feel just by talking about your problems with someone you trust. Venting is healthy – it can help relieve pent-up feelings about a problem, and talking to someone outside of the situation can help you see different perspectives and solutions.

Just be sure to respect your partner’s privacy and don’t disclose specific information about their mental illness without their consent.

Seek help for yourself

Seeing someone you love suffer with mental illness can be painful.

Remember that it’s not your job to fix them, it’s your job to accept, support, and love them – but not to the detriment of your own mental health and happiness. You deserve support for your challenges too.

Speaking to a trusted loved one or a professional counsellor can be a great solution.

Our experienced counsellors can help you explore your concerns and find healthy ways to cope and communicate with your partner.

Call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or to learn more about our counselling services, including relationship counselling.

In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Your words and behaviours can lift them up or bring them down. We offer tips to bring out the best in your partner.

How to Find Your Tribe

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Social connection is one of our most important human needs. It’s in our DNA, just like our need for food and water. 

Studies show that healthy relationships not only increase our self-esteem and our ability to cope in stressful situations, but they’re also a major protective factor against many mental and physical illnesses. 

Experts advise that the key is to find deep and meaningful relationships, as too many shallow interactions can leave you feeling lonely and misunderstood. 

But it’s not always easy to find people you truly connect with. It can take some self-reflection and vulnerability to form these fulfilling friendships and feel like you’ve found your tribe in life. 

Here are our 5 tips to find your tribe and enjoy the benefits of these close human connections. 

 

Get to know yourself 

How can you surround yourself with likeminded people if you don’t know yourself? 

It’s normal to be influenced by peers throughout adolescence and early adulthood. It can take some time – and intentional effort – to discover your own likes, dislikes, and opinions as you grow. 

If your goal is to find people you deeply connect with, spend some time reflecting on who you are deep down. Identify your core values, your passions, and the kind of support you want from the people around you. 

Counselling is a great way to support your journey to self-discovery. You can learn about our counselling service here. 

 

Engage in your hobbies 

Create opportunities to meet people who share your interests by engaging in hobbies and activities outside of the home. 

Whether it’s active, creative, musical, or academic, there are endless social clubs, classes, and groups you can join. 

These can create a comfortable environment to interact with new people as they can facilitate conversation around the task at hand, reducing the pressure to find topics for small talk. 

 

Volunteer for a cause 

Volunteering for a cause you care about is another great way to meet people you have things in common with. 

The issues and causes we’re passionate about can be a strong foundation for a fulfilling friendship, and chances are you’ll find other things to bond over too. 

This could be especially valuable if the cause, or humanitarianism in general, are a significant part of your identity. 

 

Let go of shallow connections 

Did you know that shallow relationships can make you feel lonely? 

Experts have found that you don’t need to be alone to experience loneliness – it can arise from not feeling seen, understood, or validated in your friendships. 

“It can come from spending time with people who don’t share your values or interests. It can also come from too many superficial interactions and not enough deeper connections,” explains Kasley Killam, a social scientist who specialises in social health, connection, and loneliness. 

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to take a step back from surface-level friendships and focus your energy on the ones that are deep and fulfilling. 

If you’re feeling disconnected and are struggling to engage with friends like you used to, you might find this blog post helpful: Why do I feel disconnected from everyone? | Relationships Australia QLD (raq.org.au) 

 

Get comfortable opening up 

If you crave deeper connections, it’s important to be vulnerable and willing to open up yourself. 

Close friendships take an investment in emotion as well as time. If you want to connect with your friends beyond having a laugh together, it’s time to dig deeper and share some more personal details. 

For example, you might like to ask their advice on a problem you’re having, or share your dreams and goals for the future. 

Diving into these more intimate topics can build trust and deepen your bond. 

 

If you need help strengthening your relationships or building the confidence to find new ones, our counsellors can help. 

You can learn more about our counselling service_here, or call_1300 364 277_to book an appointment. 

5 Long-Distance Tips for Military Couples

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Every relationship takes work. But military or defence force relationships can face some unique challenges.

Life in the defence force can require time away from home due to deployment, training, and other commitments. These periods of separation can be difficult and emotional for both partners, no matter how many times they’ve been through it.

But being apart geographically doesn’t mean you can’t feel close emotionally. In fact, working through distance can lay the groundwork for a lasting relationship, strengthening your communication and emotional intimacy.

We hope these steps help you positively navigate periods of separation in your military relationship.

 

1. Discuss expectations

Discussing the details of the deployment and setting expectations ahead of time can take away some of the uncertainty and anxiety while you’re apart.

Determine how and how often you’ll be able to communicate, and be clear about what you need from each other to feel loved and supported.

It’s normal for people in long-distance relationships or experiencing separation to need some extra reassurance from their partner.

Ensure you’re on the same page to avoid disappointment or surprises, and keep these conversations going as your relationship grows and changes.

 

2. Get creative with how you stay in touch

There are plenty of creative ways you can express your love and make your partner feel special from a distance.

The classic daily “good morning” and “goodnight” texts are a must, but also make an effort to send photos, videos, and audio clips when possible.

Clashing schedules or security rules around communication may make it hard to FaceTime or speak on the phone regularly, so videos and audio recordings are a great alternative to provide the same comfort of hearing your voice.

Some other great ways to stay in touch and make your partner feel loved from afar include:

  • Watch a movie together. Netflix Party synchronises video playback and adds group chat, so you can react and respond in real time while watching your favourite shows and movies.
  • Play online games together, such as Draw Something, a drawing and guessing game similar to Pictionary, or Words with Friends, a word game like scrabble.
  • Go old-school and send a letter or email. Include some favourite memories of your relationship to make them smile.
  • Send a care package with a few of their favourite things. This might include a favourite snack, a personalised mixed CD, and a shirt that smells like you.

 

3. Lean on your support network

Periods of long distance can be lonely for both partners, but you don’t have to do it alone.

For the partner at home, be sure to reach out to your friends and family in advance to let them know you’ll be on your own. This will give them a chance to check in and be there for you, and provide a heads up in case you need more emotional and/or practical support than usual.

Fill your social calendar and surround yourself with loved ones to help avoid isolation and loneliness.

 

4. Focus on self-care

This is another important tip for the partner at home.

It’s normal to miss your partner while they’re away, but it’s not healthy to rely on them alone for your happiness.

Maintaining hobbies and interests as an individual will help bring you joy, purpose, and fulfilment outside of your relationship.

Make your mental health and wellbeing a priority during periods of separation by focusing on self-care. This will look different for everyone, but might include daily exercise, dedicating some time to a hobby like playing an instrument or reading, and trying to get outside in nature each day.

Keeping busy and being happy with who you are can help prevent feelings of co-dependency, so get out there and live your life remembering your relationship is just one part of it.

 

5. Reach out for help

Professional help such as counselling can be a great option for anyone who needs some extra support.

Our counsellors can help you process your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment free from judgement. Sessions are available in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

Asking for help from friends, family, your workplace, or a professional isn’t always easy. We offer advice to ask for help when you’re not doing great here.

Am I controlling?

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Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse, and it can have dangerous impacts on survivors.

But what exactly counts as coercive control, and how do we know if we’re being controlling?

A controlling relationship is one where one person uses manipulation and intimidation to control their partner’s behaviour and make them feel scared, isolated, and dependent on the controlling partner.

This can range from telling them what to wear or who they can and can’t spend time with, to more subtle controlling behaviours, such as using the ‘silent treatment’ when you don’t get your way.

The use of control in relationships can stem from anxiety, insecurities, jealousy, growing up around unhealthy relationships, and other issues.

If you recognise controlling behaviours in yourself, it’s important to address these unhealthy patterns early. This is the first step to having healthier interactions with your partner and avoiding further harm.

Speaking to a counsellor can help you make changes and explore any underlying issues that might be contributing to these behaviours.

RAQ Clinical Supervisor (Domestic and Family Violence) Kelli offers her insights on control in relationships, and advice for anyone using control.

 

Common Controlling Behaviours in Relationships

Control in relationships can be hard to identify. Someone being controlled may not even realise it, and even the person using control might think they’re doing these things because they care.

For example, you might demand to know where your partner is and who they’re with at all times and say it’s just because you care about them. But this behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Learning more about controlling behaviours can help us recognise them in our own relationships and make healthy changes.

These are just some examples of control in intimate relationships:

  • Being the one to make all the decisions (e.g. what to spend money on, how to parent children, what activities to engage with, who to socialise with).
  • Stopping someone from accessing or interacting with friends, family, or their spiritual beliefs.
  • Excessively checking up on someone (e.g. needing to know where they’re going, monitoring their phone/social media activity, making them “report in” on their whereabouts at all times).
  • Gaslighting, including telling them an incident/conflict situation didn’t happen the way they remember it, telling them they’re imagining things, minimising their concerns, making fun of them when they’re distressed.
  • Making direct or passive aggressive insults or comments on someone’s appearance (e.g. “Are you wearing that?” or “I don’t think you need another slice of pizza.”).
  • Making someone feel imcompetent, criticising how they do things, and/or saying they’d be lost without you.

 

Why do people use control in their relationships?

It’s important to remember that there is never an excuse for asserting power and control over your partner.

These are just some of the underlying issues that may contribute to someone using control in their relationship:

  • Fear of losing the relationship
  • Inability to communicate feelings in a healthy way
  • Jealousy and trust issues, possibly as a result of being hurt in the past
  • To break down their partner’s self-esteem so they never leave them
  • These behaviours were modelled to them in their own families
  • They see their partner as their “property”.

Cultural beliefs around traditional gender roles can also play a part in the use of control in heterosexual relationships.

“They may have beliefs about relationships that make them feel entitled to behave this way,” Kelli explains. “For example: I am the man of the house, therefore I get to set the rules.”

 

Advice for Controlling Partners

“Control in relationships can have a negative cumulative effect that can have significant impacts such as low self-esteem, sense of powerlessness, and a lack of trust and respect,” Kelli explains.

“Consider the long-term impacts of your behaviour on your relationship.”

The good news is that you can take steps to change these behaviours.

Our counsellors can help you identify and address any underlying issues within yourself that may contribute to these relationship patterns.

You can call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment, or learn more about our counselling service here.

 

We explore more examples of coercive control in this article.

How to Bring Out the Best in Your Partner

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In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Your words and behaviours can lift them up or bring them down.

You bring out the best in your partner when you foster their greatest qualities. This involves providing a safe and respectful environment for them to be their true selves and live by their values.

A few red flags that you’re not bringing out the best in each other might include a power imbalance, controlling or jealous behaviour, or poor communication (e.g. passive aggression, rudeness, yelling, or feeling too scared to speak up).

A relationship that brings out the best in you will make you feel supported to be someone you’re proud of.

Here are some great ways to encourage the best in your partner.

 

Communicate respectfully

Over the years, several studies have consistently shown that problems with communication is one of the main reasons for divorce or relationship breakdown.

Too often we might let our emotions get the best of us and speak unkindly to each other. We might expect our partner to read our minds and know our needs, then give them the silent treatment when we’re left disappointed. Or we might shut down or walk away instead of listening and connecting.

This isn’t always intentional. We may have grown up in a house where it wasn’t always safe for us to speak up, or maybe we simply don’t know how to voice our feelings in a constructive way.

It’s crucial to learn these skills for a healthy and lasting relationship where both people feel heard and valued.

If you need help learning how to communicate with your partner, relationship counselling can help.

 

Support their goals

Your relationship should allow you both to grow as individuals as well as a couple.

It’s important to share goals and dreams for your future together, but it’s equally as important to support your partner to pursue their own goals and dreams.

It can help to remember your partner is their own person with their own inner world – they’re not just an extra in your movie! Encourage them to maintain their own hobbies and friendships and continue to strive for a fulfilling life.

 

Show appreciation

Often when we express our appreciation and gratitude for something, we encourage those traits and behaviours to continue.

If you love something about your partner, let it be known. Express your appreciation for the big and little things regularly through your words and your actions.

You might like to:

  • Thank them in their love language – A good old-fashioned ‘thank you’ never goes astray, but it can be nice to show your love in the way that they like to receive it. For example, if their love language is ‘words of affirmation’, you could try writing a heartfelt note or text message.
  • Compliment them in private and in public – Praising your partner for their looks or achievements doesn’t have to be reserved for behind closed doors. Celebrate them in public by telling friends how great they are at their job/cooking/parenting/telling stories/choosing holiday destinations/whatever it may be!
  • Surprise them – No one knows what your partner loves more than you do, so why not surprise them with their favourite coffee, takeaway, or activity? This will make them feel seen and valued.

 

Challenge them

Bringing out the best in your partner isn’t just about applauding their positive traits and behaviours – it’s also about challenging the negative ones.

Respectfully and gently question them when their behaviour doesn’t align with their values or goals. Try to come from a loving place of curiosity instead of passing judgement, as this may cause them to become defensive.

For example, if they’ve expressed a desire to quit smoking but their behaviour hasn’t changed, ask them if they still have that goal and what steps they could take to achieve it.

If they’ve told you they want to have a better relationship with their parents, but they continue to decline their phone calls and invitations, question whether they think those choices are going to help or hinder the relationship.

 

Be the best version of yourself

In order to hold your partner up, you need to feel good about yourself first.

Prioritise your self-care and self-growth by determining your own goals and taking steps to have a fulfilling life. Nurture your friendships outside the relationship, and spend your time doing the things that bring you joy and help you create the future you want.

You can be a more supportive partner when you’re confident in who you are and what you stand for.

 

If you need some extra support as an individual or a couple, our counsellors can help you explore your goals and identify any issues that may be in the way. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

How often should couples fight? We explore in this blog post.