Category: Relationships & Dating

It’s a question as old as time.

Before you consider whether you can (or want to) be friends with a past partner, you should ask yourself why you have friends and what you get from your friendships.

Can your ex fulfil these needs and expectations as a friend? Do you already have enough people in your life who do?

There’s a difference between being friends and being friendly. It’s OK to stay in touch with an ex without having to force a friendship if it doesn’t serve you.

While it may be possible to be friends with an ex, whether it’s a good idea or not will depend on the situation and the people involved.

We look at situations where it may be possible to have a healthy, genuine friendship with an ex – and when it might be better to cut ties.

 

When it might work

Again, it all depends on your individual circumstances and dynamic. But these are some situations where it might be possible to have a healthy friendship with your ex.

You were friends before you dated

It’s easier to go back to being friends if your foundation was initially built on friendship.

If you miss the friendship and not the romance, this is a good sign you may be able to be in each other’s lives as friends again.

You ended on safe and respectful terms

No breakup is free of negative feelings. But your breakup should have been civil enough to know you can trust their character.

If your breakup was toxic and nasty, consider taking friendship off the table.

You’ve forgiven each other

No true friendship can flourish with lingering resentments.

Forgiveness can take time, and if you have any chance of nurturing a genuine friendship with your ex, you should give yourselves time and space to process any hurt or blame first.

You’re comfortable with them dating other people

Are you prepared to see your ex with someone new?

If seeing your ex hand-in-hand with someone who isn’t you makes you feel more queasy than happy for them, it might be a sign you’re not over them and can’t enter a friendship – yet.

 

When it might be a bad idea

There may be some situations where being friends just isn’t a good idea or healthy for your wellbeing.

The relationship was abusive

Any form of abuse – whether physical, emotional, psychological, or other – is a big red flag that the relationship is not safe or serving you in a positive way.

Maintaining contact with this person could be unsafe and damaging for you, and it may be best to walk away and seek help to heal.

You had an unequal power dynamic

Did your partner always wear the pants and make all the decisions? Did they seem self-important and treat you as less than?

This in itself is a form of abuse, but unfortunately, it can be common even in friendships. Any relationship that has an unbalanced power dynamic is not healthy.

Steer clear if your ex makes you feel bad about yourself in any way.

Your friends and family didn’t like them

If your loved ones saw your ex as a walking red flag or didn’t like how they treated you, they’re probably not friend material.

While we don’t have to rely on other people’s opinions when it comes to choosing our friends, our friends and family normally have our best interests at heart, and we can generally trust them to help us make positive choices.

Romantic feelings are lingering

Be honest with yourself – do you seek a genuine platonic friendship with your ex, or are you holding onto hope that you could end up back together?

Forcing a friendship when someone still has romantic feelings is never a good idea.

Avoid potential hurt by cutting contact and reconsidering a possible friendship once both parties have truly moved on emotionally. This could take months or even years.

 

A friendship with an ex can be highly rewarding in the right circumstances. But it’s more than OK not to continue a relationship or be in contact with them at all. Do what feels best to you and helps you move forward on a safe and healthy journey.

If you’re struggling through a breakup or relationship, talking to a counsellor can help.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

We offer tips to heal from your past relationships in this blog post.

It’s normal for friends to come and go throughout life.

You might drift apart naturally as you change and grow. Or you might suddenly realise you’re not getting what you need (and deserve) from a friendship and feel it’s best for your wellbeing to end it.

Ending a friendship can be painful, but any relationship that makes you feel disregarded or disrespected should be re-evaluated.

Here are some signs it may be time to walk away.

 

You’re always the first to reach out

Do you get radio silence from them unless you pick up the phone first?

While there can be situations where your friend may temporarily be unable to give you the time and interest you give them (e.g. right after having a baby, or during a busy work or study period), it can be disheartening when you’re always the one to organise catchups or reach out first.

If you don’t feel like a priority in your friend’s life, or you’re the only one making an effort to maintain the connection, it might be time to move on – or at least put the ball in their court.

 

They only focus on themselves

Relationships are about give and take. If your friend doesn’t return the same level of care or support you offer them, they may be taking advantage of you.

Perhaps they only reach out when they need something, or maybe they spend each of your interactions talking about themselves and showing little to no interest in your life.

If this sounds familiar, it’s worth raising with your friend or focusing on friends who make you feel supported and important.

We offer tips for when your friend only talks about themselves in this blog post.

 

Your values and morals don’t align

This is a big one, and it can be particularly common among childhood or school friends who grow up and learn who they are and what’s important to them.

You may find you and your friend disagree more often than you agree, or maybe they do or say things you don’t feel comfortable with.

Surrounding yourself with different perspectives can be a good thing, and you don’t have to agree on everything to be friends. But having strong differing opinions on the important stuff can make for an incompatible friendship.

 

You feel nervous around them

Some friendships can do more harm than good for our self-esteem and wellbeing.

Feelings like jealousy and competitiveness can create an unhealthy or unequal dynamic, as can judgement or passive aggression. We might find ourselves on eggshells or holding back from being our true selves around these kinds of friends.

Feeling nervous before seeing your friend, or feeling drained after seeing them, is a red flag the friendship isn’t serving you in a positive way.

 

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Learn how to assert boundaries in your relationships in this blog post.

In the early days of getting to know your partner, everything can feel exciting, passionate, and, well, kind of perfect.

But after a while, conversation can start to dry up, irritating habits can come to the surface, and the butterflies in your stomach might go MIA.

The honeymoon phase is over.

So, when does the honeymoon phase normally fizzle out? And is it a sign your relationship is doomed?

We look at how long the honeymoon phase normally lasts and how to maintain the magic long-term here.

 

What is the honeymoon phase?

The honeymoon phase describes the exciting and carefree early months (or years) of a relationship often filled with desire, yearning, and preoccupying thoughts about the other person.

You feel like you’ll never run out of things to talk about, you can’t keep your hands off each other, and you get butterflies when you see their name pop up on your phone.

This period is marked with many more good days than bad. In fact, you may not notice any of their negative traits or any of your incompatibilities. Why would you? They’re (seemingly) perfect!

The honeymoon phase can be tied to happy and lovey-dovey hormones dopamine and oxytocin, which increase during the early ages of attraction.

Feel like you and your partner have nothing to talk about? We offer advice here.

 

How long does it last?

A 2015 study estimated that the honeymoon phase lasts for approximately 30 months, or about two and a half years.

Every couple is different, and so is the length of their honeymoon phase. It may last a few months for one couple and a few years for another – and both are ‘normal’.

The length of the honeymoon phase can be impacted by factors such as daily responsibilities, stressful events, and mental health conditions.

Couples caring for children, going through a difficult life event, or impacted by mental illness may experience a shorter honeymoon phase than a couple that has less responsibility and more time to have fun together.

 

What to do when the honeymoon phase ends

Firstly, don’t panic. The honeymoon phase is just that: a phase. Even the happiest relationships eventually move out of the honeymoon phase and into a more comfortable and complacent place.

While the ‘newness’ of your relationship will wear off over time, the good news is you can maintain some of the magic of the honeymoon phase if you’re willing to put in the work to nurture your connection.

You can do this by:

• Doing new things together: Novelty can be a major player in the honeymoon feelings, so keep things interesting by trying something new and fun on your next date night.
• Focus on the good: Fireworks and butterflies aren’t a must-have in a happy relationship. Practise gratitude and remember all the great things you love and appreciate about your partner. Express your fondness and admiration regularly.
• Communicate your feelings: Your partner can’t read your mind. If you’re feeling dissatisfied with the level of passion or excitement in your relationship, raise the topic with your partner. Communicate honestly and respectfully, and work together to find a solution.

 

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you. We provide counselling for individuals and couples.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer tips to get out of a relationship rut here.

Every couple argues. It’s only natural for disagreements to arise, even in the happiest and healthiest relationships. But how much is too much fighting in a relationship?

First things first: There’s no “average amount of times” couples should argue. What matters is how you argue.

Do you listen and feel heard? Do you use respectful language? Or do things turn personal and nasty? Do you interrupt your partner and dismiss their point of view?

Disagreements can make your relationship stronger, or they can damage your relationship and leave you feeling resentful. It’s all about how you work through disagreements – not how often they come up.

We explore what makes an argument healthy or hurtful here.

 

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Fights

Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, constructive arguments can benefit your relationship. They can increase your understanding of your partner and their needs, bringing you closer and strengthening the trust in your relationship. But unhealthy fights can do the opposite.

Here’s the difference:

 

Healthy Arguments

• Focusing on the issue at hand
• Allowing each other to speak your piece
• Using calm and respectful tone and language
• Taking responsibility and saying sorry
• Taking a time-out to calm down if emotions are high
• Making requests instead of complaints
• Asking for clarification if you don’t understand what they mean
• Working together to find a solution

 

Hurtful Arguments

• Picking a fight for the sake of it
• Interrupting each other or not listening
• Bringing up past issues irrelevant to the topic at hand
• Disrespectful language such as swearing or name-calling
• Raised voices or yelling
• Purposely hurting each other
• Blame and finger-pointing
• Making threats to leave or hurt each other
• Violence or abuse

 

Where to Get Help

There are a lot of ways to argue, and many couples fall into a familiar pattern or dynamic when they fight. This can be hard to break out of, but it is possible to find healthier ways to approach conflict.

If you’re struggling with communication and/or conflict, relationship counselling could be a helpful option. Learn more or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden offers more advice on how to fight fair in this blog post.

It’s easy to make friends as a child. Going to school puts you in the same place as likeminded peers five days of the week.

Meeting people and forging friendships later in life doesn’t always come so easily. But the friendships made during adulthood can be some of the most meaningful connections you have, and provide significant happiness and fulfilment.

In a recent survey on the state of happiness in Australia, around 46% of respondents stated their friends gave them some happiness, and around 40% stated their friends were there greatest source of happiness.

We hope this advice helps if you’re looking to make friends as an adult but don’t know where to start.

 

Deepen your casual connections

The co-worker you eat lunch with? The barista you talk to about your favourite podcast every morning? The friend of a friend you seem to have a lot in common with? All potential friends!

If you’re looking to make friends in your 20s, 30s and beyond, look no further than your current acquaintances. If there are people already in your life that you’d like to make friends with, invest in those relationships and make an effort to deepen those connections.

 

Sign up for a social sport, hobby club, or class

Put yourself out there and join clubs or groups where you’re likely to meet people with shared interests.

This could be anything from social tennis at your local courts to a book club at your local library. The best part is, you already know you have something in common to talk about, so striking up a conversation shouldn’t be too hard.

 

Join Facebook groups based on your interests

Facebook groups and online forums are other great ways to connect with likeminded people.

Here, you can get involved in discussions on just about any niche you can think of. It can also provide the opportunity to meet other group members in person – just remember to be safe when meeting up with people you’ve met online.

 

Get confident starting conversations with new people

Talking to someone new can be daunting for anyone. One minute you’re discussing the weather, and the next, you’re looking at your feet or scanning the room for someone you know.

If small talk with strangers isn’t your strong suit, try these tips:

• Open with a compliment – Complimenting someone on their clothing or accessories can be a great way to break the ice and start a conversation. There might be an interesting story behind their funky scarf or shoes.
• Keep notes of conversation starters – Does your mind go blank when you’re in social situations? It can help to keep some conversation topics handy in your bag or phone in case you get stuck. This might include relevant news stories or the TV series you’re currently bingeing.
• Circle back to something they said earlier – When all else fails, try circling back to something they’ve already spoken about. Ask questions to explore the topic deeper. Chances are if they originally brought it up, they’ll be interested in discussing it further.

 

Use friendship apps

Apps aren’t just for dating, you know! You could meet your new BFF on your phone with apps like Bumble BFF, Friender, Meetup, Nextdoor, and Hey! Vina, to name a few.

Struggle with social anxiety? We offer some helpful advice in this blog post.