Category: Relationships and dating

In a relationship, you have the power to influence your partner in a positive or negative way. Your words and behaviours can lift them up or bring them down.

You bring out the best in your partner when you foster their greatest qualities. This involves providing a safe and respectful environment for them to be their true selves and live by their values.

A few red flags that you’re not bringing out the best in each other might include a power imbalance, controlling or jealous behaviour, or poor communication (e.g. passive aggression, rudeness, yelling, or feeling too scared to speak up).

A relationship that brings out the best in you will make you feel supported to be someone you’re proud of.

Here are some great ways to encourage the best in your partner.

Communicate respectfully

Over the years, several studies have consistently shown that problems with communication is one of the main reasons for divorce or relationship breakdown.

Too often we might let our emotions get the best of us and speak unkindly to each other. We might expect our partner to read our minds and know our needs, then give them the silent treatment when we’re left disappointed. Or we might shut down or walk away instead of listening and connecting.

This isn’t always intentional. We may have grown up in a house where it wasn’t always safe for us to speak up, or maybe we simply don’t know how to voice our feelings in a constructive way.

It’s crucial to learn these skills for a healthy and lasting relationship where both people feel heard and valued.

If you need help learning how to communicate with your partner, relationship counselling can help.

Support their goals

Your relationship should allow you both to grow as individuals as well as a couple.

It’s important to share goals and dreams for your future together, but it’s equally as important to support your partner to pursue their own goals and dreams.

It can help to remember your partner is their own person with their own inner world – they’re not just an extra in your movie! Encourage them to maintain their own hobbies and friendships and continue to strive for a fulfilling life.

Show appreciation

Often when we express our appreciation and gratitude for something, we encourage those traits and behaviours to continue.

If you love something about your partner, let it be known. Express your appreciation for the big and little things regularly through your words and your actions.

You might like to:

• Thank them in their love language – A good old-fashioned ‘thank you’ never goes astray, but it can be nice to show your love in the way that they like to receive it. For example, if their love language is ‘words of affirmation’, you could try writing a heartfelt note or text message.
• Compliment them in private and in public – Praising your partner for their looks or achievements doesn’t have to be reserved for behind closed doors. Celebrate them in public by telling friends how great they are at their job/cooking/parenting/telling stories/choosing holiday destinations/whatever it may be!
• Surprise them – No one knows what your partner loves more than you do, so why not surprise them with their favourite coffee, takeaway, or activity? This will make them feel seen and valued.

Challenge them

Bringing out the best in your partner isn’t just about applauding their positive traits and behaviours – it’s also about challenging the negative ones.

Respectfully and gently question them when their behaviour doesn’t align with their values or goals. Try to come from a loving place of curiosity instead of passing judgement, as this may cause them to become defensive.

For example, if they’ve expressed a desire to quit smoking but their behaviour hasn’t changed, ask them if they still have that goal and what steps they could take to achieve it.

If they’ve told you they want to have a better relationship with their parents, but they continue to decline their phone calls and invitations, question whether they think those choices are going to help or hinder the relationship.

Be the best version of yourself

In order to hold your partner up, you need to feel good about yourself first.

Prioritise your self-care and self-growth by determining your own goals and taking steps to have a fulfilling life. Nurture your friendships outside the relationship, and spend your time doing the things that bring you joy and help you create the future you want.

You can be a more supportive partner when you’re confident in who you are and what you stand for.

If you need some extra support as an individual or a couple, our counsellors can help you explore your goals and identify any issues that may be in the way. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

How often should couples fight? We explore in this blog post.

In the early days of getting to know your partner, everything can feel exciting, passionate, and, well, kind of perfect.

But after a while, conversation can start to dry up, irritating habits can come to the surface, and the butterflies in your stomach might go MIA.

The honeymoon phase is over.

So, when does the honeymoon phase normally fizzle out? And is it a sign your relationship is doomed?

We look at how long the honeymoon phase normally lasts and how to maintain the magic long-term here.

What is the honeymoon phase?

The honeymoon phase describes the exciting and carefree early months (or years) of a relationship often filled with desire, yearning, and preoccupying thoughts about the other person.

You feel like you’ll never run out of things to talk about, you can’t keep your hands off each other, and you get butterflies when you see their name pop up on your phone.

This period is marked with many more good days than bad. In fact, you may not notice any of their negative traits or any of your incompatibilities. Why would you? They’re (seemingly) perfect!

The honeymoon phase can be tied to happy and lovey-dovey hormones dopamine and oxytocin, which increase during the early ages of attraction.

Feel like you and your partner have nothing to talk about? We offer advice here.

How long does it last?

A 2015 study estimated that the honeymoon phase lasts for approximately 30 months, or about two and a half years.

Every couple is different, and so is the length of their honeymoon phase. It may last a few months for one couple and a few years for another – and both are ‘normal’.

The length of the honeymoon phase can be impacted by factors such as daily responsibilities, stressful events, and mental health conditions.

Couples caring for children, going through a difficult life event, or impacted by mental illness may experience a shorter honeymoon phase than a couple that has less responsibility and more time to have fun together.

What to do when the honeymoon phase ends

Firstly, don’t panic. The honeymoon phase is just that: a phase. Even the happiest relationships eventually move out of the honeymoon phase and into a more comfortable and complacent place.

While the ‘newness’ of your relationship will wear off over time, the good news is you can maintain some of the magic of the honeymoon phase if you’re willing to put in the work to nurture your connection.

You can do this by:

• Doing new things together: Novelty can be a major player in the honeymoon feelings, so keep things interesting by trying something new and fun on your next date night.
• Focus on the good: Fireworks and butterflies aren’t a must-have in a happy relationship. Practise gratitude and remember all the great things you love and appreciate about your partner. Express your fondness and admiration regularly.
• Communicate your feelings: Your partner can’t read your mind. If you’re feeling dissatisfied with the level of passion or excitement in your relationship, raise the topic with your partner. Communicate honestly and respectfully, and work together to find a solution.

If you need someone to talk to, our counsellors offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and find coping strategies that work for you. We provide counselling for individuals and couples.

You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

We offer tips to get out of a relationship rut here.

Every couple argues. It’s only natural for disagreements to arise, even in the happiest and healthiest relationships. But how much is too much fighting in a relationship?

First things first: There’s no “average amount of times” couples should argue. What matters is how you argue.

Do you listen and feel heard? Do you use respectful language? Or do things turn personal and nasty? Do you interrupt your partner and dismiss their point of view?

Disagreements can make your relationship stronger, or they can damage your relationship and leave you feeling resentful. It’s all about how you work through disagreements – not how often they come up.

We explore what makes an argument healthy or hurtful here.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Fights

Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, constructive arguments can benefit your relationship. They can increase your understanding of your partner and their needs, bringing you closer and strengthening the trust in your relationship. But unhealthy fights can do the opposite.

Here’s the difference:

Healthy Arguments

• Focusing on the issue at hand
• Allowing each other to speak your piece
• Using calm and respectful tone and language
• Taking responsibility and saying sorry
• Taking a time-out to calm down if emotions are high
• Making requests instead of complaints
• Asking for clarification if you don’t understand what they mean
• Working together to find a solution

Hurtful Arguments

• Picking a fight for the sake of it
• Interrupting each other or not listening
• Bringing up past issues irrelevant to the topic at hand
• Disrespectful language such as swearing or name-calling
• Raised voices or yelling
• Purposely hurting each other
• Blame and finger-pointing
• Making threats to leave or hurt each other
• Violence or abuse

Where to Get Help

There are a lot of ways to argue, and many couples fall into a familiar pattern or dynamic when they fight. This can be hard to break out of, but it is possible to find healthier ways to approach conflict.

If you’re struggling with communication and/or conflict, relationship counselling could be a helpful option. Learn more or make an appointment by calling 1300 364 277.

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden offers more advice on how to fight fair in this blog post.

Differences are normal in every relationship, and our differences should be celebrated. But dating someone from a different cultural background can have its own unique challenges and learning opportunities.

Growing up in different environments with various beliefs, values, practices, and behaviours can make it tricky to understand each other at times. Things can get confusing and even frustrating, but the important thing is to respond to cultural clashes with respect, kindness, and understanding.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when dating someone from another culture.

Reflect on your own experiences

Our experiences shape our beliefs, and our beliefs significantly impact our relationships and our lives in general.

When it comes to dating someone from a different culture, knowing yourself and what has influenced your own worldviews is a great place to start. Spend some time reflecting on your personal experiences, upbringing, and culture. How have these things made you who you are today?

Some questions for self-reflection might include:

• How would you describe your cultural identity?
• What family traditions did you have growing up?
• What does it mean to be polite in your culture?
• What is considered rude in your culture?
• What do you like most about your culture?
• What do you like least about your culture?
• What does success look like in your culture?
• What is a unique belief that people from your community have?
• What are the three most important things that people should know about your culture?
• When people from other countries think about your culture, what do they usually think of?

Learn about their culture

Knowing more about your partner’s culture can help you understand why they have certain beliefs, behaviours, and traditions, instead of relying on assumptions or stereotypes.

You can learn about their culture by doing your own research, asking them questions, or a combination of both. If your partner speaks another language, you might even take the time to learn a few phrases.

Expressing an interest in their culture shows you accept and embrace them. It could be a great opportunity to learn more about each other and increase the intimacy in your relationship.

Discuss your expectations

A difference in expectations is only going to lead to problems – especially if those expectations are unknown or unclear.

Communication is key in every relationship, particularly when your differing cultural backgrounds often have you on different pages as a default.

Discuss your expectations and listen to your partner’s point of view. You’ll likely find that with open communication and an open mind, you can find some common ground and compromise to keep both parties happy.

See differences as learning opportunities

Dating someone from another culture requires ongoing patience and understanding.

Embrace disagreements as opportunities to expand your mind and empathy. And most importantly, remember that at the end of the day, you’re both human beings with more similarities than differences.

Celebrate your differences as well as your shared interests, dreams, plans for the future, and love for each other.

If you’re having a tough time navigating your relationship, a counsellor can help you explore your concerns and potential solutions. We also offer multicultural programs that are sensitive to the needs of culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) clients.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more.

Keen for more relationship tips? You might like our blog post How to be a Good Listener.

Forcing yourself to forget about painful past experiences is impossible. But holding onto negative feelings from past relationships can hurt your present and your future.

While it’s completely normal (and healthy) to grieve failed relationships for a time, dwelling on anger, resentment, and regret long-term can cause harm and prevent you from healing – or finding happiness with a potential new partner.

Maybe you’ve just had your heart broken. Or perhaps you’re struggling to move on peacefully from a relationship breakdown many months – or even years – on.

Whatever your situation, we hope these tips help you let go of your relationship baggage.

Let yourself grieve

There’s no way around it: breakups suck. Let yourself feel the feelings. Be gentle with yourself and don’t rush to ‘get over it’ before you’re ready.

Losing a relationship can cause real pain and grief, and denying yourself that grieving process can lead to more problems down the track.

Give yourself permission to explore your strong emotions in a safe space, like in your journal, with a loved one, or with a counsellor.

Don’t: Express your anger in unhealthy or unsafe ways you might regret later. You might find it helpful to write a letter to your ex and then burn it, or try exercises like running or boxing.

Remove painful memories

It might be tempting to scroll back through your texts from happier times, but this can cause more harm than good.

Remove anything that brings up painful feelings or memories. Delete text messages, throw away photos or letters, and return their belongings back to them.

If you like to hold onto items from the past for sentimental value, it might be a good idea to put them in a box in the back of your cupboard until you feel emotionally ready to reminisce again.

Don’t: Hold onto photos or items from past relationships if they prevent you from healing and moving on.

Look for the lessons

There are often some valuable lessons we can take from relationships that didn’t work out.

Self-reflect and consider what you can learn from the experience. Take responsibly for your part in the relationship breakdown, and use it as a springboard for self-development. Maybe you have issues with jealousy, or perhaps you’d like to work on asserting boundaries.

Be honest with yourself about where you might have room for improvement and what you might want to work on for your next relationship.

Don’t: Ruminate on what you could’ve or should’ve done. Thinking obsessively about something over and over can prevent you from accepting what’s happened and moving forward.

Work on yourself

Breakups can make us feel lonely. We’re no longer factoring that person into our daily lives. But this also offers a great opportunity to be a little selfish.

Maybe you put some dreams on the backburner while you nurtured your relationship. Or maybe you’re not quite sure who you are as an individual. This is the perfect time for self-discovery and self-care.

Get a fulfilling hobby, nurture your other relationships, try something new, and work on your goals. This is your chance to think about what you want in life without having to consider someone else.

Don’t: Post your highlight reel to your socials to rub in your ex’s face. If you find yourself taking photos of your good times and fun activities just to spite them or remind them what they’re missing out on, it might be time to unfriend/unfollow.

Consider what’s important to you in a relationship

A breakup provides the time and space to think about what you’re looking for in your next relationship.

List the things that are important to you and the deal-breakers you’re not willing to compromise on. For example, your ex might’ve struggled with communication or didn’t make the effort to get to know your friends. These might be things on your ‘red flags’ list moving forward.

Don’t: Get caught up comparing everyone to your ex or unfairly judging them based on small similarities to your ex (e.g. they both work in the same industry or they’re both an only child). There are bound to be some overlaps here and there. As long as those overlaps don’t include toxic or disrespectful behaviours, try to give people a chance and get to know them before writing them off.

Don’t excessively talk about your ex to your new partner

Finally, if you do decide to get back out there and meet someone new, avoid making your ex a regular topic of conversation.

It’s normal to discuss past relationships to some degree, put it can be a red flag for a potential new partner if you’re talking about your ex all the time – especially if you seem to have some unresolved feelings.

If you’re having a hard time healing from a past relationship, talking to a counsellor can help. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

There can come a time in even the happiest relationships where things feel a little… meh.

Whether you’ve been together for a while or you’re simply stuck in the same old routine, it’s normal to feel the excitement slip away from time to time.

The good news is that with just a little effort, you can reignite that spark and add some fun back to your relationship.

Try these tips if your relationship or marriage is in a rut.

Plan something exciting together

Sometimes the planning and anticipation of something can be just as fun as the thing itself!

Planning something like a holiday, party, or renovations will provide an opportunity to collaborate and spend more time together. It’ll also give you something positive to look forward to and share excitement in.

Top tip: Ask your partner plenty of questions and allow them to share their big ideas – and don’t be shy to share yours! This is a great chance to learn more about each other and yourself.

Book an extra special date night

Forget dinner and a movie; a relationship rut calls for a bit of novelty to mix things up.

Go the extra mile and surprise your partner with something a little out of the ordinary. Some original date ideas might include:

• Go horse riding
• Visit a games arcade
• Rock out at a concert
• Race at a go-kart track
• Catch a stand-up comedy show
• Enjoy a winery or brewery tour
• Take a cooking or dancing lesson.

Top tip: On a budget? No worries! Try one of our fun and affordable date ideas (think backyard picnic, games night, and silent disco) in this blog post.

Create a bucket list together

Sometimes we can be so focused on our day-to-day responsibilities that we forget to daydream about the future.

Creating a bucket list together is a great way to look at the big picture and inspire some deep conversations about your hopes and dreams in life. It’s also a great way to confirm you’re on the same page about what’s important for your future.

Top tip: It can help with brainstorming to break your bucket list into categories (e.g. travel, career, creativity, relationships).

Compete against each other

There’s nothing like some friendly competition to add some excitement to your dynamic. Some couples even say playing against each other in videogames and sports can be a fun form of flirting!

Some sports or activities to compete in might include:

• Tennis
• Mini golf
• Darts
• Bowling
• Videogames
• Board games.

Top tip: Mix things up and invite friends to play doubles/teams!

Kick screens out of the bedroom

Pillow talk and intimacy can take a backseat when Netflix rules the room.

If you get stuck bingeing your favourite series or scrolling on your phone at night, it might be worth implementing a no-screens rule in the bedroom.

You might find you have more time for each other at the end of the day than you thought.

Top tip: If you simply can’t live without your TV and devices in the bedroom, introduce a time limit instead. For example, you might agree to switch off your screens at 8pm.

For more ideas, check out our article 10 Ways to Add Excitement to a Long-Term Relationship.