1300 364 277
Quick Exit
This button appears across the site. Press this button to exit the site immediately to nondescript link
Click to close or press

Category: Relationships & Dating

Dating Someone from a Different Culture

Posted on by admin

Differences are normal in every relationship, and our differences should be celebrated. But dating someone from a different cultural background can have its own unique challenges and learning opportunities.

Growing up in different environments with various beliefs, values, practices, and behaviours can make it tricky to understand each other at times. Things can get confusing and even frustrating, but the important thing is to respond to cultural clashes with respect, kindness, and understanding.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when dating someone from another culture.

 

Reflect on your own experiences

Our experiences shape our beliefs, and our beliefs significantly impact our relationships and our lives in general.

When it comes to dating someone from a different culture, knowing yourself and what has influenced your own worldviews is a great place to start. Spend some time reflecting on your personal experiences, upbringing, and culture. How have these things made you who you are today?

Some questions for self-reflection might include:

  • How would you describe your cultural identity?
  • What family traditions did you have growing up?
  • What does it mean to be polite in your culture?
  • What is considered rude in your culture?
  • What do you like most about your culture?
  • What do you like least about your culture?
  • What does success look like in your culture?
  • What is a unique belief that people from your community have?
  • What are the three most important things that people should know about your culture?
  • When people from other countries think about your culture, what do they usually think of?

 

Learn about their culture

Knowing more about your partner’s culture can help you understand why they have certain beliefs, behaviours, and traditions, instead of relying on assumptions or stereotypes.

You can learn about their culture by doing your own research, asking them questions, or a combination of both. If your partner speaks another language, you might even take the time to learn a few phrases.

Expressing an interest in their culture shows you accept and embrace them. It could be a great opportunity to learn more about each other and increase the intimacy in your relationship.

 

Discuss your expectations

A difference in expectations is only going to lead to problems – especially if those expectations are unknown or unclear.

Communication is key in every relationship, particularly when your differing cultural backgrounds often have you on different pages as a default.

Discuss your expectations and listen to your partner’s point of view. You’ll likely find that with open communication and an open mind, you can find some common ground and compromise to keep both parties happy.

 

See differences as learning opportunities

Dating someone from another culture requires ongoing patience and understanding.

Embrace disagreements as opportunities to expand your mind and empathy. And most importantly, remember that at the end of the day, you’re both human beings with more similarities than differences.

Celebrate your differences as well as your shared interests, dreams, plans for the future, and love for each other.

 

If you’re having a tough time navigating your relationship, a counsellor can help you explore your concerns and potential solutions. We also offer multicultural programs that are sensitive to the needs of culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) clients.

You can call us on 1300 364 277 to make an appointment or learn more.

Keen for more relationship tips? You might like our blog post How to be a Good Listener.

How to Heal From Past Relationships

Posted on by admin

Forcing yourself to forget about painful past experiences is impossible. But holding onto negative feelings from past relationships can hurt your present and your future.

While it’s completely normal (and healthy) to grieve failed relationships for a time, dwelling on anger, resentment, and regret long-term can cause harm and prevent you from healing – or finding happiness with a potential new partner.

Maybe you’ve just had your heart broken. Or perhaps you’re struggling to move on peacefully from a relationship breakdown many months – or even years – on.

Whatever your situation, we hope these tips help you let go of your relationship baggage.

 

Let yourself grieve

There’s no way around it: breakups suck. Let yourself feel the feelings. Be gentle with yourself and don’t rush to ‘get over it’ before you’re ready.

Losing a relationship can cause real pain and grief, and denying yourself that grieving process can lead to more problems down the track.

Give yourself permission to explore your strong emotions in a safe space, like in your journal, with a loved one, or with a counsellor.

Don’t: Express your anger in unhealthy or unsafe ways you might regret later. You might find it helpful to write a letter to your ex and then burn it, or try exercises like running or boxing.

 

Remove painful memories

It might be tempting to scroll back through your texts from happier times, but this can cause more harm than good.

Remove anything that brings up painful feelings or memories. Delete text messages, throw away photos or letters, and return their belongings back to them.

If you like to hold onto items from the past for sentimental value, it might be a good idea to put them in a box in the back of your cupboard until you feel emotionally ready to reminisce again.

Don’t: Hold onto photos or items from past relationships if they prevent you from healing and moving on.

 

Look for the lessons

There are often some valuable lessons we can take from relationships that didn’t work out.

Self-reflect and consider what you can learn from the experience. Take responsibly for your part in the relationship breakdown, and use it as a springboard for self-development. Maybe you have issues with jealousy, or perhaps you’d like to work on asserting boundaries.

Be honest with yourself about where you might have room for improvement and what you might want to work on for your next relationship.

Don’t: Ruminate on what you could’ve or should’ve done. Thinking obsessively about something over and over can prevent you from accepting what’s happened and moving forward.

 

Work on yourself

Breakups can make us feel lonely. We’re no longer factoring that person into our daily lives. But this also offers a great opportunity to be a little selfish.

Maybe you put some dreams on the backburner while you nurtured your relationship. Or maybe you’re not quite sure who you are as an individual. This is the perfect time for self-discovery and self-care.

Get a fulfilling hobby, nurture your other relationships, try something new, and work on your goals. This is your chance to think about what you want in life without having to consider someone else.

Don’t: Post your highlight reel to your socials to rub in your ex’s face. If you find yourself taking photos of your good times and fun activities just to spite them or remind them what they’re missing out on, it might be time to unfriend/unfollow.

 

Consider what’s important to you in a relationship

A breakup provides the time and space to think about what you’re looking for in your next relationship.

List the things that are important to you and the deal-breakers you’re not willing to compromise on. For example, your ex might’ve struggled with communication or didn’t make the effort to get to know your friends. These might be things on your ‘red flags’ list moving forward.

Don’t: Get caught up comparing everyone to your ex or unfairly judging them based on small similarities to your ex (e.g. they both work in the same industry or they’re both an only child). There are bound to be some overlaps here and there. As long as those overlaps don’t include toxic or disrespectful behaviours, try to give people a chance and get to know them before writing them off.

 

Don’t excessively talk about your ex to your new partner

Finally, if you do decide to get back out there and meet someone new, avoid making your ex a regular topic of conversation.

It’s normal to discuss past relationships to some degree, put it can be a red flag for a potential new partner if you’re talking about your ex all the time – especially if you seem to have some unresolved feelings.

If you’re having a hard time healing from a past relationship, talking to a counsellor can help. You can learn more about our counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

What to do When Your Relationship is in a Rut

Posted on by admin

There can come a time in even the happiest relationships where things feel a little… meh.

Whether you’ve been together for a while or you’re simply stuck in the same old routine, it’s normal to feel the excitement slip away from time to time.

The good news is that with just a little effort, you can reignite that spark and add some fun back to your relationship.

Try these tips if your relationship or marriage is in a rut.

 

Plan something exciting together

Sometimes the planning and anticipation of something can be just as fun as the thing itself!

Planning something like a holiday, party, or renovations will provide an opportunity to collaborate and spend more time together. It’ll also give you something positive to look forward to and share excitement in.

Top tip: Ask your partner plenty of questions and allow them to share their big ideas – and don’t be shy to share yours! This is a great chance to learn more about each other and yourself.

 

Book an extra special date night

Forget dinner and a movie; a relationship rut calls for a bit of novelty to mix things up.

Go the extra mile and surprise your partner with something a little out of the ordinary. Some original date ideas might include:

  • Go horse riding
  • Visit a games arcade
  • Rock out at a concert
  • Race at a go-kart track
  • Catch a stand-up comedy show
  • Enjoy a winery or brewery tour
  • Take a cooking or dancing lesson.

Top tip: On a budget? No worries! Try one of our fun and affordable date ideas (think backyard picnic, games night, and silent disco) in this blog post.

 

Create a bucket list together

Sometimes we can be so focused on our day-to-day responsibilities that we forget to daydream about the future.

Creating a bucket list together is a great way to look at the big picture and inspire some deep conversations about your hopes and dreams in life. It’s also a great way to confirm you’re on the same page about what’s important for your future.

Top tip: It can help with brainstorming to break your bucket list into categories (e.g. travel, career, creativity, relationships).

 

Compete against each other

There’s nothing like some friendly competition to add some excitement to your dynamic. Some couples even say playing against each other in videogames and sports can be a fun form of flirting!

Some sports or activities to compete in might include:

  • Tennis
  • Mini golf
  • Darts
  • Bowling
  • Videogames
  • Board games.

Top tip: Mix things up and invite friends to play doubles/teams!

 

Kick screens out of the bedroom

Pillow talk and intimacy can take a backseat when Netflix rules the room.

If you get stuck bingeing your favourite series or scrolling on your phone at night, it might be worth implementing a no-screens rule in the bedroom.

You might find you have more time for each other at the end of the day than you thought.

Top tip: If you simply can’t live without your TV and devices in the bedroom, introduce a time limit instead. For example, you might agree to switch off your screens at 8pm.

For more ideas, check out our article 10 Ways to Add Excitement to a Long-Term Relationship.

What to do When Your Friend Only Talks About Themselves

Posted on by admin

Are your conversations with your friend a little one-sided? Do they talk about their lives and problems without showing any interest in yours?

Relationships are all about give and take. It’s normal for there to be times when one person is in a crisis and needs more focus and support than the other – after all, being a good listener is part of being a good friend. But in general, a friendship should be based on mutual support.

It can be draining to feel like the emotional dumping ground for a friend, especially if the favour isn’t returned when you need a shoulder to lean on.

We hope these tips help you maintain a healthier, more balanced friendship if your friend only talks about themselves.

 

Consider why

Ask yourself why they might be preoccupied with their own stuff.

Are they going through a hard time? Do they not have many other friends to confide in? Could they be anxious to fill awkward silences? Maybe they’re lacking social skills? Or perhaps they’re simply self-absorbed?

Thinking about what might be going on behind the scenes can help you gain understanding and empathy. It can also help you consider whether the relationship is toxic and worth maintaining or not.

 

Focus on common interests

As friends, it’s likely you have at least one shared interest you can dive into.

Maybe it’s a favourite band or TV show, a love for a sport or fitness in general, or simply a shared passion for good food and good times. Whatever it is, try to steer the conversation to this topic. It might seem surface-level at first, but it could lead to a deeper chat.

By talking about mutual interests, you both get to contribute your thoughts and feelings about topics you enjoy.

 

Get personal

Do you volunteer personal information? Are you willing to share as much as they share?

If not, your friend might see you as a ‘listener’. You can break out of this role by opening up some more without waiting to be asked.

If you’re comfortable, show your friend you’re willing to be vulnerable and let them in. They’ll likely show an interest and want to be there for you.

 

Ask for their opinion

Does your friend find a way to make every topic about them?

Asking your friend their opinion on an issue is a good way to talk about yourself while making them feel important and included.

For example, instead of telling them you’re enrolling in art classes, ask them if they think you should enrol in art classes. You don’t have to take their advice on board, but it’s an easy way to turn their attention to something you want to talk about.

 

Tell them how you’re feeling

If your friend cares about you and you enjoy spending time with them, it might be worth addressing the issue so you can move forward and maintain the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

If you don’t feel like you’re getting anything from the relationship, or your friend is unwilling to change, there’s nothing wrong with distancing yourself and saving your energy for the friendships you benefit from.

For more help maintaining healthy relationships, you might like our article How to Set Boundaries in Relationships.

When Your White Friends Won’t Talk About Race

Posted on by admin

Not all conversations are easy, but the difficult ones are often the most important.

Talking about race can make people uncomfortable – particularly people who benefit from the privilege that comes from being white.

They may not consider themselves racist. They might even call themselves an ally. So why is it that some white people go quiet or change the subject at the mention of the systemic racism that they benefit from? Why do some white people post a black square on their social media but refuse to engage in constructive conversation about Black Lives Matter, changing the date, or The Voice to Parliament?

First Nations Peoples – Aboriginal Peoples and Torres Strait Islander Peoples – and other Black Peoples and Peoples of Colour shouldn’t have to avoid these conversations to protect their white friends’ comfort.

And while it’s also not your job to educate your friends on these topics, real friends should be there to listen and learn when you do want to discuss these very real issues.

RAQ has had several clients seeking advice around how to have these conversations with the people in their lives over recent months.

So I sat down and had a yarn with Aunty Deb, our Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Engagement and Cultural Advisor, to get some insights on the topic. We wanted to share some ways you could start a conversation about race with your white friends.

 

Question their perception

Encourage your friends to reflect on how they see the world and what has formed their understanding of what they see.

Do they see First Nations Peoples in their daily lives? Do they see them represented in the media? How are they represented? Do they see stereotypes? Did their parents or friends ever talk about First Nations Peoples – Aboriginal Peoples and Torres Strait Islander Peoples – in a negative way?

These kinds of questions can help your friends consider their perception and start to think about how they can break the chains that constrain their thoughts. Our parents and/or the media might have given us ways to see the world, but it’s up to us to challenge and expand those.

Remember that how you bring people to an understanding is important.

Aunty Deb shared:

“It’s all about context – start with the person’s knowledge base. Try to understand what exposure they’ve had to First Nations Peoples’ collective knowledge of the facts of our colonial to present-day history. If the individual or group have had minimal exposure to this information, it’s important to provide an historical background with a timeline of historical facts from many sources of truth and alternative sources of history.

“For example, The First Australians SBS series and other historical texts by respected Historians like Noel Loos, Henry Reynolds, Bruce Pascoe, Jackie Huggins, Ray Evans. Some people have never heard or been taught these alternative historical viewpoints before.”

 

 “We won’t be constrained by your stagnant perceptions of who we are.”

– Paraphrased quote by Aunty Eve Feisel, SEQ Gubbi Gubbi Elder, Traditional Owner and Academic.

 

Encourage them to unpack their privilege

Whether they’re aware or not, your white friends are receiving advantages, opportunities and rights simply based on the colour of their skin. This is called ‘white privilege’.

Some examples of white privilege include:

  • Seeing people of your race widely represented in mainstream media
  • Being able to choose to be surrounded by people of your race most of the time
  • Easily finding makeup, Band-Aids, stockings and other items that match your skin tone
  • Easily finding picture books, dolls, greeting cards, and magazines featuring people of your race
  • Being able to swear in public or wear worn clothes without people attributing this to your race
  • Not having to think about how your race might impact how you’re treated
  • Not being called a racial slur
  • Not being profiled by police.

Ask your white friends about their privilege and the things they might take for granted each day. How do these separate them from, or connect them with, other people? A little self-awareness can help them start to see through the eyes of others and understand more about the systemic racism in our society.

 

Bring their attention to daily microaggressions

Racism and microaggressions happen all the time, but white people might not notice it (that’s a privilege in itself). If you’re comfortable, start to point out microaggressions as they happen.

If you experience a microaggression on your own or with a friend, bring it up and ask them if they saw a problem with what just happened. It could be someone asking where you’re from in a disrespectful way, a shopkeeper watching you more closely than others, or someone moving away from you on public transport.

This could be a great way to start a conversation about the very real racism you face in your everyday life and prompt them to keep an eye out for these behaviours in the future.

 

Call out performative activism

It can sometimes seem like white people post anti-racist and “woke” content to their social media accounts just for show. Some of the people who posted a black square for Black Lives Matter still chose to celebrate with friends on Invasion Day. Something’s not adding up here!

Ask them if they think their values and actions in real life align what they post on social media.

Are they practising what they preach? Or are they just calling out everyone else’s behaviour without doing the work themselves? It takes more than a social media post to fight racism.

 

Talk about how they can help

White people can use their privilege to advocate for issues faced by First Nations Peoples. Let them know about some of the common frustrations you experience and what requires advocacy in the wider community.

This could be a good way to raise awareness around key issues and also provide your white friends with some guidance if they want to help but don’t know where to start.

There are also several bystander action programs that offer simple steps to stand up to everyday racism, such as:

  • Confronting or disagreeing with the perpetrator (if safe to do so)
  • Calling it “racism” or “discrimination” (if productive to do so)
  • Interrupting or distracting the perpetrator (if safe to do so)
  • Comforting the person(s) targeted
  • Expressing upset feelings
  • Seeking assistance from friend, teacher, manager, coach etc.
  • Reporting the incident to authorities.

 

Encourage them to do their research

Your white friends can increase their exposure to First Nations Peoples and culture by actively seeking nonbiased representation in First Nations-led media and resources such as:

They can also raise their awareness by watching films and documentaries that highlight racial inequality and discrimination. There are also studies about the prevalence of discrimination in Australia and the harm it causes First Nations Peoples and communities.

Here are some statistics about discrimination and negative attitudes towards First Nations Peoples in Australia from a 2014 Beyond Blue study that you might like to discuss:

  • More than half of non-First Nations Australians have witnessed acts of discrimination towards First Nations Australians.
  • One in five (21%) admit they would move away if a First Nations Australian sat near them.
  • One in five (21%) admit they would watch the actions of a First Nations Australian in a retail environment.
  • One in 10 (12%) would tell jokes about First Nations Australians.
  • One in 10 (10%) would avoid sitting next to an First Nations Australian on public transport.
  • One in 10 (9%) would not hire an First Nations Australian for a job.

There’s no end to the information they can expose themselves to on the internet and beyond. It’s their responsibility to continually educate themselves about racism.

 

Know when to end it

As Aunty Deb says: “This is our country – First Nations Peoples have always lived here, and we should not be forced to be an aggressor in our own country. We’re not the problem.”

You’re not the problem. If your friend is causing you pain and frustration and is not willing to do the work or understand your experience, it’s OK to end that relationship.

You can protect yourself spiritually by removing yourself from people who don’t respect your culture and who you are as a person. You don’t have to spend the mental and emotional energy on educating or arguing with people who aren’t open to learning.

RAQ acknowledges the Traditional Owners on whose countries we live and work and Elders Past and Present. We pay tribute to their enduring stewardship, and honour their ongoing contribution to the spiritual, environmental, social, cultural, political and economic fabric of our society.

Are you Lonely in Your Relationship?

Posted on by admin

Having a partner doesn’t mean you’re exempt from getting lonely.

Loneliness is never a nice feeling, but feeling alone in a relationship can bring a unique pain. No one likes to feel disconnected from the person they want to be closest with.

There are many possible reasons you might be feeling alone in your relationship. This could be:

  • Decline in sexual intimacy
  • Not spending much time together
  • Mental health or emotional issues
  • Feeling like your partner doesn’t listen to you
  • Being unable to resolve an issue that causes tension
  • Feeling like you’re not on the same page about big things like values or future plans.

We hope these tips help if you’re feeling lonely in your relationship.

 

Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling

As handy as it would be sometimes, your partner isn’t a mind reader. If you haven’t told them how you feel, chances are they’re not going to work it out on their own. If it’s safe, let your partner know you’re lonely. Communicate how you’ve been feeling and what might be contributing to those feelings.

Try to use “I” statements to avoid placing blame on your partner. Pointing the finger can make them feel defensive, and can quickly turn a constructive conversation into a hostile one.

For example: “I feel ignored when you scroll on your phone during dinner” or “I feel disconnected from you because we’ve been going to bed at different times.”

 

Clearly communicate your needs

It’s one thing to let your partner know you’ve been feeling lonely in the relationship, but it’s another to tell them what you need to fix it. Again, they’re not a mind reader, and it’ll save a whole lot of time and resentment if you simply tell them the solution you’d like.

For example: “It’d make me feel good if you said ‘I love you’ every day” or “I’d feel closer to you if we had screen-free dinners so we could talk.”

If you struggle to communicate your needs, relationship counselling could help. It provides a safe space to discuss your issues and explore your feelings.

 

Schedule in quality time together

Life involves a lot of juggling, and if you don’t actively make an effort to prioritise the important things, they can easily get pushed aside.

It might not sound romantic, but scheduling in quality time with your partner in advance is the best way to make it happen. This could be daily (e.g. from 6pm-8pm) or weekly (e.g. date night every Friday).

Find what works for you and make quality time a part of your routine.

 

Learn and share your love languages

How do you show your partner you love them? Is it through a sweet text message or a surprise gift? By giving them a big hug or cooking them a special meal?

There are many ways to express your love, and these generally fall under the five love languages:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch.

Picture this: Your partner’s love language is Acts of Service and yours is Quality Time. Your partner is outside mowing the lawn for a couple of hours thinking they’re expressing their love for you, while you’re sitting inside wishing they’d spend more time with you.

This is where knowing each other’s love language could come in handy! Knowing how your partner prefers to give and receive love is like having a cheat sheet to their heart.

You can learn more about the five love languages and take the test together here.

 

Find fulfilment outside your relationship

Alone time is healthy and important. Everyone needs some time on their own to reflect, relax and recharge. If you struggle to spend time separate from your partner, this could be a sign of a deeper issue.

Your partner can’t be held responsible for your happiness and entertainment. If you’re feeling lonely in your relationship, look inward and ask yourself if there’s something else that’s missing. Are you simply bored? Do you have other things in life that make you feel fulfilled?

Nurturing your friendships and finding interests and hobbies can help focus your energy elsewhere and bring enjoyment to your life outside your relationship.

Feel like you and your partner have nothing to talk about? We offer tips to boost the conversation in your relationship in this blog post.

How to Be a Good Listener

Posted on by admin

Have you ever opened up to someone and felt like they weren’t really paying attention to you?

Effective listening is a rare gift these days. Many of us are distracted by our own busy schedules, the fast-paced world around us, and the urge to check our phones.

Listening helps us build relationships and solve (or avoid) problems in our personal and professional lives. It’s an important skill to have in your toolbox, and as simple as it may seem, really listening can take some real effort.

Keep these tips in mind to be a better listener in your next conversation.

 

Give them your full attention

First things first: when someone’s speaking to you, your attention should be on them.

This doesn’t just mean being quiet while they’re talking. It also means using your body language to show them they have your attention and interest.

Face your body to them and maintain appropriate eye contact. Don’t fiddle or look around the room. And whatever you do, don’t look at your phone. No matter how good you are at multitasking, it’s never socially acceptable to scroll your phone while someone’s trying to talk to you!

 

Ask questions to show interest

Being a good listener doesn’t mean simply sitting in silence and absorbing everything the other person is saying.

Instead of being a sponge, be a trampoline! Ask relevant questions to encourage them to bounce ideas off you. This will show you’re not just listening, but you’re also interested and engaged in what they have to say.

As author Dale Carnegie says in his well-known book How to Win Friends and Influence People: “To be interesting, be interested.” Showing interest and asking questions can make you seem interesting and enjoyable to converse with – win-win!

 

Use silence to encourage them to keep talking

Don’t underestimate the power of silence. Sure, it might feel a little awkward at first, but you don’t have to sit still and silent like a statue. A simple nod and an encouraging smile can prompt them to dive deeper.

Avoid jumping in to fill the silences and learn to get comfortable with them. Silence can give both parties a little time to process their thoughts before continuing the conversation, making it more considered and often, a lot more meaningful.

 

Don’t interrupt with your own experience or ‘solutions’

No one likes a ‘one-upper’ or a ‘fixer’.

It can be a common knee-jerk reaction to compare someone’s experience to your own, or bombard them with what they ‘should’ do. But try to resist the urge to make it about you or offer solutions unless you’re asked to, or you might make them feel invalidated.

For more tips to improve communication, you might like our blog post How to Have a Difficult Conversation.

Couples in Quarantine: Communication Advice from a Relationship and Family Counsellor

Posted on by admin

The coronavirus outbreak has raised some unique challenges for couples self-isolating together.

Being confined within four walls is a recipe for cabin fever. Add to that the stress and uncertainty of the public health crisis, and even the strongest relationships are bound to be tested.

With emotions already running high, it’s going to take some extra effort to maintain healthy and happy relationships during these tough times.

Relationship and Family Counsellor Val Holden shares some advice to help you improve communication and navigate conflict while in close quarters with your loved one.

 

Tips for Effective Communication

It’s more important than ever to nurture our emotional connections and draw strength from one another. But in such trying times, disagreements are likely to pop up here and there.

“Healthy relationships have to have healthy communication,” says Val. “That doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything – but it does mean we have to communicate with respect and understanding.”

So what does healthy communication look like? And how can we share our feelings and settle disputes effectively?

 

Find the Right Time to Raise Issues

We’ve all said things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Trying to talk things through while you’re upset or angry can cause more harm than good, leading to raised voices and insults instead of solutions.

“Remember to communicate when you’re not heightened or angry,” Val advises. “That way, you’ll be able to hear what the other is saying – not what you are interpreting.”

It’s hard to be open-minded and patient with a partner when we’re angry. So while it may be tempting to discuss an issue as it’s unfolding, it’s better to wait until negative emotions have passed and you can talk calmly and kindly.

 

Check in with Yourself

Similarly, it’s important to take stock of your emotions during those trickier conversations to make sure you’re in the right headspace to have a positive, respectful discussion.

“If you feel yourself being triggered, getting frustrated or snappy, understand what is going on for you and your partner,” says Val. “Slow down, breathe, and take time to be alone.”

When we get worked up, we’re more likely to become defensive, closed off, and want to point the finger at others. If you feel your emotions starting to escalate, take a 5-minute break and walk away.

 

Give Your Partner Your Full Attention

Mute the TV. Put your phone down. Maintain eye contact.

The best way to show your partner you care about what they’re saying is to give them your undivided attention. Really listen to what they’re saying and try to understand their point of view – don’t interrupt or get lost in thoughts of what you want to say next.

It can also help to communicate your partner’s perspective back to them to confirm you’ve interpreted what they’re saying correctly. This shows you’ve been listening and ensures you’re on the same page.

 

Stay in the Present Moment

Opening old wounds won’t get you anywhere, so fight the urge to bring up past issues. Stay on topic and address the present issues, and if you have unresolved feelings around past problems, find another time to bring them up.

The same goes for nit-picking.

“When you are constantly in someone’s space, little things you usually ignore or don’t even see become very obvious and annoying,” Val explains.

Try not to stockpile complaints to use against your partner, and just focus on the issue at hand.

 

Stick to the Facts

While it’s healthy to bring emotion into a discussion, it’s important not to let your negative feelings around an issue blow it out of proportion.

Make sure your complaints have the facts and details to back them up, and avoid using exaggerated language like ‘always’ and ‘never’.

For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me”, try saying “I’ve noticed you’ve been on your phone a lot lately while I’ve been talking to you at the dinner table”. Be specific and stick to the facts.

 

Use “I” Statements

Try not to point the finger, but instead, own your feelings with “I” statements. This is a great way to express your feelings and opinions without placing blame and negative characteristics on your partner.

For example, instead of “you always cancel our plans – you’re so unreliable”, try saying “I feel disappointed and unloved when you cancel our plans to spend time together”.

This approach brings the problematic behaviour to your partner’s attention in a less accusatory way, so they may be more open to taking responsibility and working things out.

 

Tips to Alleviate Tension

“This is all new territory for us. We are in unprecedented times,” says Val.

“Anxiety and fear would be heightened by all that is going on in our world today. These feelings will be compounded by frustration and anger when we are cooped up in our homes 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with our partner.”

If your relationship starts to feel strained in self-isolation, there are a few ways you can adjust your environment and behaviour to relieve the tension.

 

Set up Individual Work Spaces

If you’re working from home, Val recommends setting up individual work spaces in separate rooms. This will allow you to focus on your work without being distracted by each other.

Having dedicated areas just for work will also help you maintain a work-life balance and allow you to enjoy quality time together in your shared recreational spaces come knock-off time.

 

Pick Up a Hobby

Keeping busy with a new hobby or project can benefit your overall mental health and mood – something that can have a significant impact on your relationship.

“What a great time to look at taking up a hobby that you have always wanted to do,” she says.

“Get that jigsaw out of the bottom of the cupboard, or read that book you have been going to read for ages but haven’t had the time.”

 

Make Time to Be Alone

Even the happiest couples need a break from each other every so often. It’s important to get some alone time where you can. You might like to:

  • Create a ‘time out’ zone in your home where only one person can be at a time
  • Enjoy your hobbies in a separate room
  • Listen to music or a podcast in the backyard
  • Take a walk or do an outdoor workout by yourself.

You should also respect when your partner wants to be alone, and not take it personally.

“Respect each other’s privacy and space, and understand we are all adjusting. Time out is a good thing,” Val explains.

 

Reach Out to Others

“We only have our immediate family, and day after day, that may wear thin,” says Val.

Reach out to friends and other relatives for support. While you may not be able to catch up for coffee, you can still stay connected with your support network by:

  • Texts
  • Phone calls
  • Video calls
  • Emails
  • Letters.

Hearing from people outside your self-isolation bubble can help lift your spirits and remind you that we’re all in this together. It also allows you to discuss your relationship concerns and have a healthy vent with someone you trust.

 

Get Professional Support

“If arguing becomes an everyday occurrence, stop and look at what is happening in yourself and in your relationship,” says Val.

“Do you need a counsellor to help you work out your differences and help you to understand each other in a better way?”

If you think you and/or your relationship could benefit from talking to someone, you can access our telephone counselling on 1300 364 277. It’s available Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 10am-4pm.

 

It can be easy to forget to prioritise quality time together when you’re spending every day under the same roof. Keep the romance alive with these 10 date night ideas for couples in self-isolation.

10 Date Night Ideas for Couples in Self-Isolation

Posted on by admin

Has social distancing put a dampener on your love life?

As bars and restaurants close and self-isolation becomes the norm, our ‘dinner and a movie’ date nights will have to be put on hold (for now).

But that shouldn’t stop you from having a good time with your special someone. In fact, it’s more important than ever to take a break from the stress of the current health situation and nurture our emotional connections.

Keep the romance alive without leaving the house with these fun date ideas.

 

1. Cook a Meal Together

Whipping up dinner during the week can be more rushed than romantic. Take some time on the weekend to find a new recipe that involves some hands-on preparation – like homemade pizza or sushi – and enjoy reconnecting in the kitchen.

If you want to add an element of excitement, hone your inner MasterChef and challenge your partner to see who can make the better dish.

 

2. Have a Backyard Picnic

Get outside those four walls and take in the fresh air with a backyard picnic – all you need is a picnic blanket and your favourite meal. Better yet, get it delivered. You may not be able to dine in at your favourite restaurants at the moment, but many are still offering delivery and takeaway.

Hang some fairy lights, light some candles and play some ambient music to add to the romantic experience.

 

3. Revisit Your Favourite Board Games

If you’re guilty of relying on TV and the internet for all your entertainment, mix things up with a little friendly competition. Monopoly, Scrabble, Snakes and Ladders, Chess – whatever your pick, board games are a great go-to for indoor fun.

Revisit your old childhood favourites or order new games online to add to your rotation.

 

4. Do a Workout

Missing the gym? You can still work up a sweat at home! Whether you follow online workouts or come up with your own, exercising with your partner can give you the motivation you need to reach your fitness goals.

It’s also been known to increase emotional bonds and overall happiness in relationships – so get moving!

 

5. Play Two-Player Console Games

If you have an Xbox, PlayStation or other gaming console, grab yourself a second controller and a multiplayer game and you’ve got yourself one playful date.

Console games are a great escape from daily life, giving you the chance to immerse yourself in foreign worlds of colourful characters, realistic racetracks, gripping gunfights and more.

With so many multiplayer games available, you’re sure to find something you both enjoy.

 

6. Have a Movie Marathon

An oldie but a goodie, this classic at-home date night idea is perfect for a low-key, cosy night in.

Re-watch your favourite film series, take turns picking what to watch next, or choose movies based on a particular genre (did someone say ‘rom-com night’?). Don’t forget the popcorn!

 

7. Get Arty

What could be more romantic than painting your partner’s portrait? Making art with your loved one is a fun way to foster your creativity and take your mind off things.

Plus, just 45 minutes of creative activity can reduce your stress. So whether you’re painting fruit, a sunset, or each other, an arty date is a great way to relax and unwind.

 

8. Learn Something New

Exploring new hobbies and interests together is a great way to break up your self-isolation routine.

You could learn a foreign language, pick up an instrument, plant a vegetable garden, or give photography a go. Enjoying something different during your downtime allows you to gain new skills and learn more about each other – win-win!

 

9. Do a Questionnaire

Let’s face it – after a few days in quarantine, the conversation can get a little stale. Questionnaires are a fun way to spark unexpected conversations and discover things about each other you otherwise may not have unveiled.

Pinterest is a great source for questionnaires and quizzes for every age. Or you can get creative and come up with your own trivia game to test how well you know each other.

 

10. Have a Silent Disco

You may not be able to hit the town at the moment, but that shouldn’t stop you from having a boogie (without waking the neighbours)!

Sit down and make a playlist of all your favourite songs, and then grab your headphones, get your dancing shoes on, and turn up the volume.

 

Check out our article How to Survive Self-Isolation with Your Family for more practical tips, or contact us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm for support.

 

Infographic - date night ideas

Tips for Dating with a Disability

Posted on by admin

Dating in general can be intimidating, and dating with a disability can add some extra worries and doubts.

Everyone hopes they can find someone who’s easy to talk to, can make them laugh, and likes them just as they are. And with a bit of honesty and confidence, everyone can present their best selves in the dating world.

We hope these tips help make it a little easier if you’re intimidated by the idea of dating.

 

Be upfront

It’s normal to be nervous about telling someone about your disability for the first time. But it’s important to be open and honest from the start to avoid any surprises or confusion down the track.

It can help to provide some specific examples of how your disability impacts you in your daily life. For example, if you use a mobility aid, you struggle to read, or you have a support worker or caregiver around a lot of the time.

If you choose to hide this part of you from your potential partner, chances are they won’t be upset that you have a disability, but rather that you chose not to tell them. And if they do have a problem with it, you can give those lemons the boot before wasting any more of your time!

 

Have confidence

Don’t let negative thoughts talk you out of going on a date or close yourself off from meeting the right person. Instead, try to enter the dating game with a positive attitude knowing your strengths and great qualities.

Your disability doesn’t define you. Remember you have interests, passions and hobbies that make you the unique and interesting person you are. Be confident and let your true self shine.

It might help to talk to a trusted friend or family member about your concerns, or as a reminder of all the traits that make you a catch. A pep talk from a loved one could be just the boost you need.

Our blog post How to Silence Your Inner Critic offers some great tips to help you deal with self-doubt in a healthy way.

 

Be patient

You’re probably used to being surrounded by people who understand your experience and don’t need explanations around what you can do and what you need help with.

Be patient with your date as they learn about you, ask questions, or do things to “help” you. They may not know anyone with a disability or with your particular disability, and there may be a bit of a learning curve for them.

With this being said, remember it’s your right to only share what you’re comfortable with, and if their questions become too intrusive, you’re allowed to express boundaries or change the subject.

 

Don’t settle

This one’s simple: You deserve love and respect, so don’t settle for anything less.

If you’re having a hard time or need a hand sorting through your thoughts and fears, it can help to talk to a counsellor. You can learn more about our confidential counselling service here, or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video chat.