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Category: Relationships and dating

Couples in Quarantine: Communication Advice from a Relationship and Family Counsellor

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The coronavirus outbreak has raised some unique challenges for couples self-isolating together.

Being confined within four walls is a recipe for cabin fever. Add to that the stress and uncertainty of the public health crisis, and even the strongest relationships are bound to be tested.

With emotions already running high, it’s going to take some extra effort to maintain healthy and happy relationships during these tough times.

Relationship and Family Counsellor Val Holden shares some advice to help you improve communication and navigate conflict while in close quarters with your loved one.

 

Tips for Effective Communication

It’s more important than ever to nurture our emotional connections and draw strength from one another. But in such trying times, disagreements are likely to pop up here and there.

“Healthy relationships have to have healthy communication,” says Val. “That doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything – but it does mean we have to communicate with respect and understanding.”

So what does healthy communication look like? And how can we share our feelings and settle disputes effectively?

 

Find the Right Time to Raise Issues

We’ve all said things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Trying to talk things through while you’re upset or angry can cause more harm than good, leading to raised voices and insults instead of solutions.

“Remember to communicate when you’re not heightened or angry,” Val advises. “That way, you’ll be able to hear what the other is saying – not what you are interpreting.”

It’s hard to be open-minded and patient with a partner when we’re angry. So while it may be tempting to discuss an issue as it’s unfolding, it’s better to wait until negative emotions have passed and you can talk calmly and kindly.

 

Check in with Yourself

Similarly, it’s important to take stock of your emotions during those trickier conversations to make sure you’re in the right headspace to have a positive, respectful discussion.

“If you feel yourself being triggered, getting frustrated or snappy, understand what is going on for you and your partner,” says Val. “Slow down, breathe, and take time to be alone.”

When we get worked up, we’re more likely to become defensive, closed off, and want to point the finger at others. If you feel your emotions starting to escalate, take a 5-minute break and walk away.

 

Give Your Partner Your Full Attention

Mute the TV. Put your phone down. Maintain eye contact.

The best way to show your partner you care about what they’re saying is to give them your undivided attention. Really listen to what they’re saying and try to understand their point of view – don’t interrupt or get lost in thoughts of what you want to say next.

It can also help to communicate your partner’s perspective back to them to confirm you’ve interpreted what they’re saying correctly. This shows you’ve been listening and ensures you’re on the same page.

 

Stay in the Present Moment

Opening old wounds won’t get you anywhere, so fight the urge to bring up past issues. Stay on topic and address the present issues, and if you have unresolved feelings around past problems, find another time to bring them up.

The same goes for nit-picking.

“When you are constantly in someone’s space, little things you usually ignore or don’t even see become very obvious and annoying,” Val explains.

Try not to stockpile complaints to use against your partner, and just focus on the issue at hand.

 

Stick to the Facts

While it’s healthy to bring emotion into a discussion, it’s important not to let your negative feelings around an issue blow it out of proportion.

Make sure your complaints have the facts and details to back them up, and avoid using exaggerated language like ‘always’ and ‘never’.

For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me”, try saying “I’ve noticed you’ve been on your phone a lot lately while I’ve been talking to you at the dinner table”. Be specific and stick to the facts.

 

Use “I” Statements

Try not to point the finger, but instead, own your feelings with “I” statements. This is a great way to express your feelings and opinions without placing blame and negative characteristics on your partner.

For example, instead of “you always cancel our plans – you’re so unreliable”, try saying “I feel disappointed and unloved when you cancel our plans to spend time together”.

This approach brings the problematic behaviour to your partner’s attention in a less accusatory way, so they may be more open to taking responsibility and working things out.

 

Tips to Alleviate Tension

“This is all new territory for us. We are in unprecedented times,” says Val.

“Anxiety and fear would be heightened by all that is going on in our world today. These feelings will be compounded by frustration and anger when we are cooped up in our homes 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with our partner.”

If your relationship starts to feel strained in self-isolation, there are a few ways you can adjust your environment and behaviour to relieve the tension.

 

Set up Individual Work Spaces

If you’re working from home, Val recommends setting up individual work spaces in separate rooms. This will allow you to focus on your work without being distracted by each other.

Having dedicated areas just for work will also help you maintain a work-life balance and allow you to enjoy quality time together in your shared recreational spaces come knock-off time.

 

Pick Up a Hobby

Keeping busy with a new hobby or project can benefit your overall mental health and mood – something that can have a significant impact on your relationship.

“What a great time to look at taking up a hobby that you have always wanted to do,” she says.

“Get that jigsaw out of the bottom of the cupboard, or read that book you have been going to read for ages but haven’t had the time.”

 

Make Time to Be Alone

Even the happiest couples need a break from each other every so often. It’s important to get some alone time where you can. You might like to:

  • Create a ‘time out’ zone in your home where only one person can be at a time
  • Enjoy your hobbies in a separate room
  • Listen to music or a podcast in the backyard
  • Take a walk or do an outdoor workout by yourself.

You should also respect when your partner wants to be alone, and not take it personally.

“Respect each other’s privacy and space, and understand we are all adjusting. Time out is a good thing,” Val explains.

 

Reach Out to Others

“We only have our immediate family, and day after day, that may wear thin,” says Val.

Reach out to friends and other relatives for support. While you may not be able to catch up for coffee, you can still stay connected with your support network by:

  • Texts
  • Phone calls
  • Video calls
  • Emails
  • Letters.

Hearing from people outside your self-isolation bubble can help lift your spirits and remind you that we’re all in this together. It also allows you to discuss your relationship concerns and have a healthy vent with someone you trust.

 

Get Professional Support

“If arguing becomes an everyday occurrence, stop and look at what is happening in yourself and in your relationship,” says Val.

“Do you need a counsellor to help you work out your differences and help you to understand each other in a better way?”

If you think you and/or your relationship could benefit from talking to someone, you can access our telephone counselling on 1300 364 277. It’s available Mon-Fri 8am-8pm and Sat 10am-4pm.

 

It can be easy to forget to prioritise quality time together when you’re spending every day under the same roof. Keep the romance alive with these 10 date night ideas for couples in self-isolation.

10 Date Night Ideas for Couples in Self-Isolation

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Has social distancing put a dampener on your love life?

As bars and restaurants close and self-isolation becomes the norm, our ‘dinner and a movie’ date nights will have to be put on hold (for now).

But that shouldn’t stop you from having a good time with your special someone. In fact, it’s more important than ever to take a break from the stress of the current health situation and nurture our emotional connections.

Keep the romance alive without leaving the house with these fun date ideas.

 

1. Cook a Meal Together

Whipping up dinner during the week can be more rushed than romantic. Take some time on the weekend to find a new recipe that involves some hands-on preparation – like homemade pizza or sushi – and enjoy reconnecting in the kitchen.

If you want to add an element of excitement, hone your inner MasterChef and challenge your partner to see who can make the better dish.

 

2. Have a Backyard Picnic

Get outside those four walls and take in the fresh air with a backyard picnic – all you need is a picnic blanket and your favourite meal. Better yet, get it delivered. You may not be able to dine in at your favourite restaurants at the moment, but many are still offering delivery and takeaway.

Hang some fairy lights, light some candles and play some ambient music to add to the romantic experience.

 

3. Revisit Your Favourite Board Games

If you’re guilty of relying on TV and the internet for all your entertainment, mix things up with a little friendly competition. Monopoly, Scrabble, Snakes and Ladders, Chess – whatever your pick, board games are a great go-to for indoor fun.

Revisit your old childhood favourites or order new games online to add to your rotation.

 

4. Do a Workout

Missing the gym? You can still work up a sweat at home! Whether you follow online workouts or come up with your own, exercising with your partner can give you the motivation you need to reach your fitness goals.

It’s also been known to increase emotional bonds and overall happiness in relationships – so get moving!

 

5. Play Two-Player Console Games

If you have an Xbox, PlayStation or other gaming console, grab yourself a second controller and a multiplayer game and you’ve got yourself one playful date.

Console games are a great escape from daily life, giving you the chance to immerse yourself in foreign worlds of colourful characters, realistic racetracks, gripping gunfights and more.

With so many multiplayer games available, you’re sure to find something you both enjoy.

 

6. Have a Movie Marathon

An oldie but a goodie, this classic at-home date night idea is perfect for a low-key, cosy night in.

Re-watch your favourite film series, take turns picking what to watch next, or choose movies based on a particular genre (did someone say ‘rom-com night’?). Don’t forget the popcorn!

 

7. Get Arty

What could be more romantic than painting your partner’s portrait? Making art with your loved one is a fun way to foster your creativity and take your mind off things.

Plus, just 45 minutes of creative activity can reduce your stress. So whether you’re painting fruit, a sunset, or each other, an arty date is a great way to relax and unwind.

 

8. Learn Something New

Exploring new hobbies and interests together is a great way to break up your self-isolation routine.

You could learn a foreign language, pick up an instrument, plant a vegetable garden, or give photography a go. Enjoying something different during your downtime allows you to gain new skills and learn more about each other – win-win!

 

9. Do a Questionnaire

Let’s face it – after a few days in quarantine, the conversation can get a little stale. Questionnaires are a fun way to spark unexpected conversations and discover things about each other you otherwise may not have unveiled.

Pinterest is a great source for questionnaires and quizzes for every age. Or you can get creative and come up with your own trivia game to test how well you know each other.

 

10. Have a Silent Disco

You may not be able to hit the town at the moment, but that shouldn’t stop you from having a boogie (without waking the neighbours)!

Sit down and make a playlist of all your favourite songs, and then grab your headphones, get your dancing shoes on, and turn up the volume.

 

Check out our article How to Survive Self-Isolation with Your Family for more practical tips, or contact us on 1300 364 277 between 8am-8pm for support.

 

Infographic - date night ideas

What to do When You’re Jealous of Your Friend

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Does your friend’s good news fill you with envy instead of happiness?

Jealousy is a normal emotion that can help us learn more about what’s important to us and what we want in life.

We sometimes feel jealous when someone has something we don’t – whether it’s money, material objects, a relationship, or career success. But jealousy can be harmful if left unchecked, impacting our self-esteem, happiness, and relationships.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with feelings of envy in your friendships.

 

Confront the feelings

Take notice the next time you feel envy, and ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you. What’s making you jealous? Try to get to the root of the issue.

You might notice your envy is triggered by a particular person or topic. Maybe it’s a specific sibling or close friend you get jealous of, or perhaps you turn green when someone achieves a specific goal that you desire or feel insecure about.

Confront your jealousy and look within to learn what it says about your values and your self-worth. Have some self-compassion and remember that envy is a normal emotion; it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Remember it’s you, not them

It can be easy to let jealousy take over and take our resentment and frustration out on the person we’re jealous of. But it’s important to remember that this is your issue, and your friend isn’t hurting you on purpose.

We’re all on our own path in life, and you may not make progress, achieve success or tick off milestones at the same pace as your friend.

If envy is impacting the way you treat your friend, it might help to be honest with them and address it instead of letting it fester.

 

Turn envy into motivation

As uncomfortable as envy can be, it can also be a powerful force for change.

When you pay attention to what makes you jealous, it can point you toward the steps we need to take to achieve our goals.

If you feel jealous of your friend’s new job, it might be a sign you should make a career change. If you envy your friend’s relationship, it might mean you should take action to improve yours or put yourself out there to meet new people.

Turn your envy into motivation to achieve the things you want and live the life you dream of.

 

Want to increase your support network? Talking to a counsellor can help you find ways to cope with feelings of envy and insecurity. You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment face to face, over the phone or via Zoom video call.

Are you putting your happiness on hold until you achieve a goal? If you suffer from “I’ll be happy when” syndrome, you might like our blog post How to Stop Waiting to be Happy.

10 Questions to Ask Before Having a Baby

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Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Kids can change everything, from your sleep schedule to your social calendar.

It can be the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you do – but it can also be the most challenging. That’s why it’s important to give it some thought and planning before taking the plunge into parenthood.

To help you get started, we’ve listed 10 important things you may want to discuss before having a baby.

 

1. Why do you want to have kids?

Chances are you’ve discussed when you want to have kids and maybe even how many you’d like to have, but it’s important to consider the why, too.

This simple question can start a deep and meaningful conversation that’ll likely have you learning a lot more about each other. It can also help you determine whether right now is the right time or not.

 

2. What if we can’t get pregnant right away?

How long are you willing to try for a baby before considering other options? Are you both open to fertility treatments or adoption? How many rounds of IVF would you be willing to try, if any?

It’s important to have these difficult conversations and ensure you’re on the same page.

 

3. What are your biggest fears about having a baby?

It’s normal to have some worries and fears around raising a human. Worrying about your child and whether you’re doing a good job comes with the territory of being a parent.

Talking about your fears before baby comes along can help you address them proactively – or at least share the load with someone you trust.

 

4. How are we going to share parenting duties?

From nappy changes to late-night feeds, babies come with a long list of daily to-dos for their parents. Failing to discuss how you’ll divide parenting duties fairly may lead to some resentment down the track.

It’s always best to talk it out before you’re arguing over whose turn it is to get up with bub in the middle of the night.

 

5. How do we want to discipline?

It’s a parent’s job to teach their child right from wrong. No matter how well behaved your child is, you’ll likely have to discipline them in some way one day.

It’s important to present a united front with your partner to ensure boundaries are clear and consistent, so you’ll need to agree on appropriate consequences/punishments for misbehaving.

 

6. How involved do we want our families to be?

How do you feel about your in-laws popping around unannounced every day? Are you happy for relatives to spend hours passing your baby around the living room every weekend? It’s normal for families to get excited over a new baby, but an endless loop of visitors can be draining.

Discuss how involved you’d like your families and friends to be, and set boundaries early on. For example, you might tell your loved ones to text or call to ask if it suits instead of just dropping in whenever they see fit.

 

7. How will we keep our relationship strong?

It’s no secret that having a baby can cause some new issues in a relationship. Accepting that the road might be rocky for a while is one thing, but making a commitment to nurture your relationship during the tough times is another.

This could be in the form of a monthly date night, an annual romantic weekend getaway, or an hour dedicated to child-free chat after baby’s bedtime.

We’ve listed some of the common relationship problems that come with having a baby and how to overcome them in this blog post.

 

8. What will we do for childcare?

One of the more practical things to consider before having a baby is who will look after it – not just now, but in the years before school starts.

What kind of maternity/paternity leave entitlements do you have? Will one person leave the workforce and stay at home? Will you put your child in day care or hire a nanny? These nitty-gritty details need to be nutted out in advance to ensure you’re not scrambling for solutions.

 

9. What beliefs and values do we want to pass on?

Beyond teaching your child how to be kind and respectful, there might be other beliefs and values you’d like to impart. Do you want to raise them within a particular religion? Are you passionate about teaching them about gender equality? Is it important to you that they’re exposed to people from all walks of life?

Kids are like sponges, and what they see and hear in the home can have a huge impact on their beliefs and values. Consider the things you want to intentionally include in their upbringing.

 

10. Who will care for our child if anything happens to us?

It may not be a pleasant topic, but it’s something every parent/caregiver needs to consider. And more than that – you should make it official with a written will. The peace of mind of securing your child’s future will be worth the temporary discomfort.

 

Many individuals and couples find counselling helpful when they’re thinking about making a big life decision like having a baby. Our qualified counsellors can help you explore your feelings and concerns in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to book a counselling session in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

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It’s hard to see someone we care about hurting from a significant loss. While we want to be supportive, many of us worry we’ll say or do the wrong thing.

The good news is you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be there to offer love and support.

While everyone experiences grief differently, these general dos and don’ts may help you provide comfort when you’re not sure how.

 

Do:

Offer practical support

While emotional support is important at this time, your loved one might also appreciate some help with practical tasks like housework and errands. Offer to do a load of laundry, mow their lawn, pick up their kids from school, do their grocery shopping, and bring them precooked meals. Above all, ask them how they’d like you to support them to ensure they’re getting the kind of help they need.

Listen with compassion

Loss can bring on strong emotions like sadness, anger, and guilt. However they’re expressing their grief, don’t criticise, judge, or offer unsolicited advice on how to ‘get over it’. Listen with empathy and validate their feelings.

Let them be sad

It’s normal (and expected) for people who are grieving to experience sadness and despair. They may be depressed and struggle to get excited about anything for a while. Avoid trying to cheer them up or putting a positive spin on things with phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason”. Allow them to feel what they need to feel for the first few days or weeks, and let them know they’re safe to express those feelings around you.

Be willing to sit in silence

There may be times when they don’t feel like talking. Avoid the temptation to fill every silence, and just be there with them as a shoulder to cry on or to offer a reassuring hug or hand squeeze. Don’t underestimate the comfort that can come from simply being present.

Continue to support them after the funeral

The funeral has been and gone. The world keeps turning, and everyone has moved on with their lives – except for the bereaved. Don’t go AWOL after the funeral has wrapped up and the sympathy flowers have wilted. Check in with your loved one often, and continue to offer emotional and practical support.

 

Don’t:

Don’t make it about you

The last thing they want to hear right now is “I know how you feel”. Even if you have experienced a similar loss, grief is different for every individual, and there’s never a good time to compare what they’re going through with your own experience. They probably don’t have the emotional capacity to care right now – and nor should they have to.

Don’t push them to open up

Some people don’t like talking about their feelings. Perhaps they’re not ready to open up about what’s happened or how they’re coping yet, and that’s OK. Don’t pressure them to talk about anything they’re not comfortable with. If they’d prefer to sit in silence, stay quiet with them and simply be their shoulder to cry on.

Don’t avoid the subject because you’re uncomfortable

Death isn’t exactly an everyday topic of conversation. In fact, it’s pretty taboo in a lot of western cultures. Many people find the subject uncomfortable, morose, and even scary. But now isn’t the time to prioritise your comfort over their need to express their grief, so don’t avoid or change the subject when they’re opening up to you.

Don’t forget

There may be anniversaries, holidays, birthdays etc. that trigger their grief for years to come, so show your support by checking in on them and continuing to share memories.

Don’t rush them

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s important to remember that grief cannot be healed. The process of grieving isn’t linear – it’s not a ‘one and done’ process where you tick off boxes and leave it all behind you. People who have experienced significant loss carry their grief with them forever.

Grief counsellor and researcher Dr Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing around Grief’ model shows us how over time, grief stays much the same, but our lives begin to grow around it.

Tonkin's model of growing around grief - cartoon model showing grief and recovery

 

RAQ provides confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Our tertiary trained counsellors can assist with a range of issues including grief and loss. You can learn more about our counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Learn how to support someone with depression and learn some of the warning signs of suicide in this article.

How to Talk to a Mate about Mental Health

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Men are known for bottling things up. Some men might find it hard to talk about their feelings due to the stigma that still surrounds men’s mental health.

Outdated ideas that men should be strong and seeking help is a sign of weakness can prevent them from opening up or reaching out in tough times. So they often suffer in silence, which can make their mental health even worse.

Statistics show 1 in 8 men will experience depression, and 1 in 5 men will experience anxiety at some stage of their lives. The number of men who die by suicide in Australia every year is almost double the national road toll.

Talking to your mates about mental health can help remove the stigma and have positive impacts on their wellbeing. It could even help save a life.

We hope these tips on how to talk to men about mental health encourage supportive conversations with your mates when they’re doing it tough.

 

Check in casually

Asking how your mate’s going doesn’t have to be awkward or a big deal. Just bring it up casually after talking about other topics when they’re already relaxed. Research shows 63% of men are most comfortable talking about their mental health over a drink.

Some conversation starters might include:

  • How have you been going?
  • You’ve seemed a bit off lately. How are things going?
  • Sounds like work/school/home life has been pretty stressful for you lately. Want to tell me about it?
  • I heard you say something/noticed you do something that made me worry about you. Do you want to talk about it?

And remember, if your mate asks how you are, always ask them in return. A study revealed 35% of men said if they wanted to talk to a friend about their mental health, they’d ask how their friend is doing and hope they’d ask it back. This simple question could be a sign they’re not doing too well, so don’t skip over it.

 

Pay attention to tone and body language

It can be hard for men to open up about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they might not even know how to put it into words, and it can be so much easier to just fake a smile and say “I’m fine.”

It’s important to read between the lines if what they’re saying doesn’t line up with how they’re acting. If your mate is saying there’s nothing wrong but they’re looking away or stiffening up, it could be a sign there’s more going on beneath the surface.

Show you really care by asking twice. For example, if you ask how they’re going and they say they’re fine but they don’t seem it, you could follow up with something like: “Are you sure? You seem a bit down/stressed lately. Happy to chat about it if you want.” Now your mate knows you’re being genuine and are willing to listen if they’re ready to talk about it.

 

Listen without judgement

If someone has let their guard down and opened up about their mental health, you should make them feel supported and glad they confided in you. Avoid passing judgement, or they could shut down and avoid bringing it up again in future.

Don’t place blame, tell them what to do, make it about your own experiences, or tell them to ‘man up’. If you don’t know what to say, simply listen and encourage them to get it off their chest. Validate their feelings by saying something like:

  • That sounds really tough.
  • I’m sorry you’ve been going through that.
  • It sounds like things have been really hard for you lately.

Research shows 39% of men have had a disappointing reaction when they’ve shared things about their mental health in the past. Showing some empathy and support can help to avoid adding to this statistic.

 

Follow up to see how they’re going

Check in on them regularly to see how things have been and if they might need extra support. If they’re not coping, gently encourage them to seek help.

Counselling can be helpful for anyone suffering with mental health issues or going through a rough patch. RAQ offers confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Call 1300 364 277 to learn more or make an appointment.

Check out this article for tips to support someone with depression and to learn some of the common warning signs of suicide.

 

This advice is applicable to all genders – whether male, female, transgender, gender nonconforming or gender non-binary.

 

Can a Marriage Work After an Affair?

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Infidelity can cause extreme emotional pain and heartbreak – but does it automatically mean the end of your marriage or relationship?

Short answer: It’s different for everyone.

Some couples may find it impossible to reconcile after an affair, with the pain of betrayal too strong for the relationship to progress. Others might work on their issues, rebuild trust, and become stronger than ever before.

Affairs don’t just happen in unhappy marriages or relationships. They can happen in couples that are otherwise happy and healthy. And if both parties are committed, the relationship can be saved.

In this article, we’ll look at what to do when someone cheats on you, and possible ways to recover your relationship after an affair.

 

What to do After an Affair

So you’ve been cheated on – now what? While people cope in different ways and what’s right for some might not be for others, these tips may help you find your footing during this tough time.

Address your needs

Learning your partner has been unfaithful can kick up a lot of negative feelings. It’s important to look after your emotional and physical needs during this time. Prioritise eating balanced meals, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol and drugs.

If you live together and need some space to process things, remove yourself from the situation and organise somewhere to stay – whether it’s with friends, family, or a motel.

Reach out to your support network

Being cheated on can be embarrassing and shameful. You may be tempted to withdraw from friends and family and isolate yourself while you process things. But surrounding yourself with supportive and loving people can make all the difference.

Deciding who you do and don’t tell – and how much you want to share – is a very personal thing. You don’t have to go into the nitty gritty details, but telling the people with your best interests at heart can help you feel less alone.

Remember it’s not about you

Your first response may be to ask what’s wrong with me? You may be left questioning your worth, whether you’re lovable or desirable, or if there’s something you did to deserve this.

It’s important to remind yourself that you’re not to blame for someone else’s behaviour. This was their choice, and it’s not a reflection on you. Even if you were having problems in the relationship, this is no excuse for having an affair. This happened because of their own issues, and not because you’re not good enough.

Prioritise self-care

Sleeping in until midday and snacking on ice cream and Doritos for days? Hey, many of us have been there. A little wallowing is expected, but try not to let your self-care slide when you need it most.

Along with addressing your physical needs like getting enough rest, eating right, and drinking plenty of water, make other forms of self-care a priority, too. Get up, take a shower, and put on an outfit that makes you feel good. Take time to get out of the house and see the people you love. Revisit the hobbies you enjoy. Whatever your self-care looks like, make it a must-do every day.

Have an honest conversation

If it’s safe to do so, talk to your partner about what’s happened. Don’t jump to conclusions or assume you know the full story. Be honest about why this has happened in your relationship, and if there were problems going on in the background. Allowing them to explain themselves might help give you closure, or help you decide whether the relationship is worth repairing or not.

Some signs it may not be worth moving forward with the relationship might include:

  • They have cheated before
  • They’re not remorseful or sorry for their actions
  • They don’t take responsibility for their actions/blame you for ‘making’ them cheat
  • They’re abusive (physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially, or other).

 

Relationship Counselling After an Affair

If you do choose to rebuild your relationship, this will require a strong, long-term commitment from both partners. Relationship counselling can help you work through your issues and gain the skills needed to make your relationship successful.

Many relationship counsellors have seen marriages not only move past an affair, but become stronger than before.

You may want to consider counselling to discuss your feelings and have a safe space to explore yourselves, your situation, and your needs. 

Counselling can help couples to:

  • Prepare for changes in a relationship
  • Address sexual concerns
  • Understand the relationship they have
  • Discuss what they feel about each other now
  • Decide what they are prepared to do to make it work
  • Discover why they chose each other in the first place
  • Understand how they contributed to whatever their relationship has become
  • Deal with the pain of when relationships change or end.

Our trained counsellors are here to provide non-judgmental support and guidance. They don’t take sides or encourage couples to stay together or separate. Learn more about our relationship counselling here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

Should we break up?

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Should you break up with your partner? Or are you just going through a rough patch?

Every relationship has its issues. But while disagreements are normal, there are some problems that may make you question the future of your relationship.

In this article, we look at some of the ways to work through your problems, and some signs it might be time to let go.

 

When to break up

Every relationship is different, and only you know what’s best for you. These are just some signs your relationship may not be healthy.

Your partner is abusive

Abuse – whether it’s physical, emotional, financial, or other – is never OK. If your partner is hurting you, controlling you, manipulating you, or making you feel bad about yourself, you may want to talk to trusted friends or family members about ways you can exit the relationship safely.

You’re hiding them from your loved ones

If you’ve been with your partner for a while and you’re hesitant to introduce them to your friends and family, this could be a red flag worth paying attention to.

Someone has cheated

Research shows unfaithfulness is one of the main reasons couples break up. An infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. But cheating can have serious and long-lasting impacts if you can’t rebuild the trust you once had, leaving one or both partners feeling resentful and unhappy.

You’re not yourself around them

If you’re conscious of how you act around your partner, you probably won’t be happy in the long run. Signs you’re not comfortable to be your full self around your partner might include monitoring the things you say around them, tiptoeing or hiding things from them, pretending to like things you don’t and pretending not to like things you do, and worrying they’ll judge you.

You can’t communicate

They say communication is key in a healthy relationship, and silence is never golden. Maybe you avoid confrontation and sweep it under the rug, or you give each other the silent treatment when you’re unhappy. If you have poor communication and don’t talk things through in a respectful way, you may never find solutions for your problems.

You’ve been trying to make things work for a long time

Finally, if you’ve been unhappy in your relationship and thinking about ending things for a while, it might be time to seriously consider your options.

 

How to get through a rough patch

No relationship is all good all the time. Even the happiest and healthiest couples run into some rough patches now and then. The good news is, you can make it through – and sometimes, you can even come out stronger than ever.

Talk about your issues

Neither of you can read minds, so don’t expect your partner to know how you feel and what you want them to do. If safe to do so, bring up your concerns with your partner when you have some alone time together. Tell them what’s upsetting you, and be clear about what you’d like to happen. Avoid name-calling and finger-pointing.

For example, instead of: “You never have time for me. You’re always with your friends”, you might say: “I value our quality time together. I’d like it if we had a date night every week.”

Family and Relationship Counsellor Val Holden explains how to have a healthy argument and things to avoid when confronting your partner in this article.

Try relationship counselling

If you find it difficult to communicate with your partner, or you seem to be having the same argument over and over again, it might be time to consider seeing a professional.

RAQ provides confidential relationship counselling in a relaxed and supportive environment. Our trained counsellors can work with you to find ways to manage your situation more effectively.

If you need some extra support, you can book individual counselling our couples counselling on 1300 364 277.