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Category: Relationships & Dating

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

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Difficult conversations are a part of life, but that doesn’t mean we like having them.

Bringing up a topic that could cause conflict is scary, especially when we’re talking to someone we care about. It can seem easier to tiptoe around things like our partner never taking out the bins, or our boss not appreciating our hard work.

But figuring out how to have a hard conversation can sometimes be the first step to changing your situation for the better.

Here are some tips to help make your next tough conversation a little easier.

 

Prepare for the conversation

Being clear about what you want and how you’re feeling can make navigating difficult conversations simpler, but it can be hard to know exactly what to say in the moment.

A little bit of preparation can go a long way toward achieving the result you want.

Questions can be a great tool to help you think about the key points you want to bring up. Try asking yourself:

  • Why do I feel like I need to have this conversation?
  • What do I want to walk away from this discussion with?
  • Am I making any assumptions about how they’re feeling?
  • Is there anything else affecting how I’m feeling?

Thinking about these things beforehand can help you speak more clearly and calmly when you’re ready to start talking. Another way you could prepare is by practising the conversation with a friend unrelated to the issue to get a feel for exactly what you want to say.

 

Make sure you’re both in the right mindset before you start

Did you know that you can accurately predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes?

One of the hardest parts of having a difficult conversation is the beginning. Starting off on the right foot is important.

It’s normal to feel nervous and convince yourself the talk will go badly, but expecting a good result makes it a lot easier to approach the problem with the right attitude.

Before you start talking, take some time to visualize the best possible outcome. Thinking about the benefits of a resolution will help you remember what you’re working toward and make it easier to engage in a productive way.

Picking the right time is also important. Make sure to only bring up the topic when you’re both alert, relaxed and in a comfortable environment. You might even like to schedule it in advance to avoid catching the other person by surprise.

 

Be mindful of how you speak

Language is a tricky thing. It can be easy to read into what someone is saying based on the words they choose, especially if tensions are already high.

One simple way to stop a conversation from getting too hostile is to steer clear of statements that actively blame the other person. Try to avoid “you” statements with words like “never” or “always” in them, like:

  • “You never listen to me”
  • “You always do this”
  • “You’re so careless”
  • “You make me do everything”

Instead, you can use “I” statements to express these ideas, focusing on how you feel instead. A good “I” statement talks about the emotion you feel in response to an action, like:

  • “I feel upset when you don’t respond to what I’m saying because I think you’re not listening”
  • “I get frustrated when you don’t fold your washing because I feel like I’ve communicated that it’s important to me”
  • “I get anxious when you spend money without telling me because I like to be able to plan our budget”
  • “I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated when you don’t help out with the chores”

“I” statements make fewer assumptions about the other person, which can make it easier for them to hear and understand your point.

 

Listen

Often, the most important part of a conversation isn’t what we say, but what we hear.

Making sure both parties take the time to listen respectfully to the other person’s point of view is important for finding a resolution.

As tough as it can be at times, try not to interrupt each other. When the other person is speaking, focus on what they’re actually saying and not what you think they feel.

A good way to make sure you’re still on the same page is to repeat their point back to them after they’ve finished talking by saying “If I’m understanding, you think…”

They’ll either agree with your statement or provide more detail about their point of view, which will help you understand it better.

 

Take a break

Even when you’re both trying your best to be respectful, having a difficult conversation can be draining and upsetting.

If you feel like emotions are running too high for you to think clearly or you’re stuck talking in circles, it’s okay to call a time out.

Take half an hour to go and do something that relaxes you, like walking outside or reading a book.

This means when you come back to the conversation, you’ll be in a better frame of mind for reaching a positive conclusion.

Sometimes having a difficult conversation isn’t enough to reach the resolution you need, and there’s no easy solution to a tough situation.

Relationships Australia Queensland offers a wide range of family and marriage counselling services to support you if you feel like you can’t move forward from the same issues.

You can learn more about our services here, and for more tips to respectfully navigate conflict, check out our article How To Fight Fair In A Relationship.

What to do When You’re Jealous of Your Friend

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Does your friend’s good news fill you with envy instead of happiness?

Jealousy is a normal emotion that can help us learn more about what’s important to us and what we want in life.

We sometimes feel jealous when someone has something we don’t – whether it’s money, material objects, a relationship, or career success. But jealousy can be harmful if left unchecked, impacting our self-esteem, happiness, and relationships.

We hope these tips help if you’re struggling with feelings of envy in your friendships.

 

Confront the feelings

Take notice the next time you feel envy, and ask yourself what the emotion is trying to tell you. What’s making you jealous? Try to get to the root of the issue.

You might notice your envy is triggered by a particular person or topic. Maybe it’s a specific sibling or close friend you get jealous of, or perhaps you turn green when someone achieves a specific goal that you desire or feel insecure about.

Confront your jealousy and look within to learn what it says about your values and your self-worth. Have some self-compassion and remember that envy is a normal emotion; it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Remember it’s you, not them

It can be easy to let jealousy take over and take our resentment and frustration out on the person we’re jealous of. But it’s important to remember that this is your issue, and your friend isn’t hurting you on purpose.

We’re all on our own path in life, and you may not make progress, achieve success or tick off milestones at the same pace as your friend.

If envy is impacting the way you treat your friend, it might help to be honest with them and address it instead of letting it fester.

 

Turn envy into motivation

As uncomfortable as envy can be, it can also be a powerful force for change.

When you pay attention to what makes you jealous, it can point you toward the steps we need to take to achieve our goals.

If you feel jealous of your friend’s new job, it might be a sign you should make a career change. If you envy your friend’s relationship, it might mean you should take action to improve yours or put yourself out there to meet new people.

Turn your envy into motivation to achieve the things you want and live the life you dream of.

 

Want to increase your support network? Talking to a counsellor can help you find ways to cope with feelings of envy and insecurity. You can call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment face to face, over the phone or via Zoom video call.

Are you putting your happiness on hold until you achieve a goal? If you suffer from “I’ll be happy when” syndrome, you might like our blog post How to Stop Waiting to be Happy.

10 Questions to Ask Before Having a Baby

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Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Kids can change everything, from your sleep schedule to your social calendar.

It can be the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you do – but it can also be the most challenging. That’s why it’s important to give it some thought and planning before taking the plunge into parenthood.

To help you get started, we’ve listed 10 important things you may want to discuss before having a baby.

 

1. Why do you want to have kids?

Chances are you’ve discussed when you want to have kids and maybe even how many you’d like to have, but it’s important to consider the why, too.

This simple question can start a deep and meaningful conversation that’ll likely have you learning a lot more about each other. It can also help you determine whether right now is the right time or not.

 

2. What if we can’t get pregnant right away?

How long are you willing to try for a baby before considering other options? Are you both open to fertility treatments or adoption? How many rounds of IVF would you be willing to try, if any?

It’s important to have these difficult conversations and ensure you’re on the same page.

 

3. What are your biggest fears about having a baby?

It’s normal to have some worries and fears around raising a human. Worrying about your child and whether you’re doing a good job comes with the territory of being a parent.

Talking about your fears before baby comes along can help you address them proactively – or at least share the load with someone you trust.

 

4. How are we going to share parenting duties?

From nappy changes to late-night feeds, babies come with a long list of daily to-dos for their parents. Failing to discuss how you’ll divide parenting duties fairly may lead to some resentment down the track.

It’s always best to talk it out before you’re arguing over whose turn it is to get up with bub in the middle of the night.

 

5. How do we want to discipline?

It’s a parent’s job to teach their child right from wrong. No matter how well behaved your child is, you’ll likely have to discipline them in some way one day.

It’s important to present a united front with your partner to ensure boundaries are clear and consistent, so you’ll need to agree on appropriate consequences/punishments for misbehaving.

 

6. How involved do we want our families to be?

How do you feel about your in-laws popping around unannounced every day? Are you happy for relatives to spend hours passing your baby around the living room every weekend? It’s normal for families to get excited over a new baby, but an endless loop of visitors can be draining.

Discuss how involved you’d like your families and friends to be, and set boundaries early on. For example, you might tell your loved ones to text or call to ask if it suits instead of just dropping in whenever they see fit.

 

7. How will we keep our relationship strong?

It’s no secret that having a baby can cause some new issues in a relationship. Accepting that the road might be rocky for a while is one thing, but making a commitment to nurture your relationship during the tough times is another.

This could be in the form of a monthly date night, an annual romantic weekend getaway, or an hour dedicated to child-free chat after baby’s bedtime.

We’ve listed some of the common relationship problems that come with having a baby and how to overcome them in this blog post.

 

8. What will we do for childcare?

One of the more practical things to consider before having a baby is who will look after it – not just now, but in the years before school starts.

What kind of maternity/paternity leave entitlements do you have? Will one person leave the workforce and stay at home? Will you put your child in day care or hire a nanny? These nitty-gritty details need to be nutted out in advance to ensure you’re not scrambling for solutions.

 

9. What beliefs and values do we want to pass on?

Beyond teaching your child how to be kind and respectful, there might be other beliefs and values you’d like to impart. Do you want to raise them within a particular religion? Are you passionate about teaching them about gender equality? Is it important to you that they’re exposed to people from all walks of life?

Kids are like sponges, and what they see and hear in the home can have a huge impact on their beliefs and values. Consider the things you want to intentionally include in their upbringing.

 

10. Who will care for our child if anything happens to us?

It may not be a pleasant topic, but it’s something every parent/caregiver needs to consider. And more than that – you should make it official with a written will. The peace of mind of securing your child’s future will be worth the temporary discomfort.

 

Many individuals and couples find counselling helpful when they’re thinking about making a big life decision like having a baby. Our qualified counsellors can help you explore your feelings and concerns in a safe and supportive environment.

You can call 1300 364 277 to book a counselling session in person, over the phone, or via Zoom video call.

The Problem with Power in Relationships

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Do you feel like you’re stepping on eggshells with your partner? Do they ‘keep score’ and hold things against you to get their way?

Power exists in every relationship, whether it’s with your partner, a family member, friend, or even a colleague. A healthy relationship is based on equality and respect. It’s not uncommon for one person to take the lead while the other is more flexible, but this can become a problem when abused.

When one person has control in the relationship, or the ‘upper hand’, this can lead to unhealthy and toxic behaviours. It can make one partner feel scared of the other and damage their self-esteem. It can be a form of domestic abuse.

We look at the signs of an unhealthy power dynamic to help you spot when things are one-sided.

 

Types of Power in a Relationship

Two common relationship dynamics that play with power are the demand/withdraw and distancer/pursuer dynamics.

The demand/withdraw dynamic involves one partner (the demander) wanting to talk about problems and find a solution, while the other partner (the withdrawer) withdraws, shuts down, and avoids the problems.

The distancer/pursuer dynamic involves one partner (the pursuer) seeking to increase intimacy and closeness, while the other partner (the distancer) pulls away and becomes cold.

Research from The Gottman Institute shows that partners who get stuck in the distancer/pursuer pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four or five years. 

These are just two examples of power imbalance in a relationship. Power and control can be used in relationships in many other ways – big and small, subconsciously and intentionally.

 

Signs of Power Imbalance in a Relationship

These are just some of the common signs of inequality in a relationship.

  • One partner never compromises – No two people are always going to agree on everything. Compromise or ‘meeting in the middle’ is key to ensure both people’s needs are met. If one partner is all take and no give, they’re holding all the power.
  • One partner doesn’t listen to the other – Communication is important in every relationship – whether romantic or not. If one partner refuses to listen to the other and take their ideas and feelings on board, it can be a sign of disrespect and selfishness.
  • One partner always takes the lead – Many relationships have an ‘alpha’ or the person who ‘wears the pants’. While this can be healthy and work well for some, it can be damaging for others if the dominant partner is abusing this role to fulfil their own selfish needs.
  • One partner’s love is conditional – Love shouldn’t be a reward for doing what your partner wants you to. It can be a clear sign of power imbalance when a partner withholds their love and affection until they get their way.
  • One partner holds grudges or keeps score – Some people can’t let things go. Even if they’re over it, they might take joy in constantly bringing up their partner’s past mistakes as a way to punish them and make themselves feel superior. This is an easy way for them to exert power and control.

Do any of these signs sound familiar to you or someone you know? Counselling can be helpful for individuals and couples trying to navigate power struggles. You can learn about our counselling services here, or call 1300 364 277 to book.

Study Results: Mental Health and Relationships

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It’s no secret that 2020 has been a difficult year for many of us. The COVID-19 outbreak and related stressors (e.g. social isolation and financial instability) have exacerbated pre-existing anxiety disorders and other mental health disorders.

Our mental health influences how we think, feel, and act every day. It can have a big impact on how we interact with the people in our lives – especially those closest to us.

New research from Relationships Australia reveals the importance of relationships in supporting and maintaining our mental health, and how mental ill-health can impact our intimate relationships.

This survey was conducted during COVID-19 and offers some interesting insights into the challenges during this tough time.

 

Sensing a Struggle

Promisingly, most people feel they can recognise a change in their mental health and that of their close companions.

A whopping 96% of people reported that they can either always (46%) or sometimes (50%) tell if their own mental health is suffering.

95% of people said they know when a close companion’s mental health is suffering. Although, only 29% claimed they could always notice this change, while the majority (66%) could sometimes notice it.

 

Discussing Mental Health

Interestingly, people reported feeling more comfortable discussing their mental health with their friends (72%) than their family (53%).

70% of people reported feeling very (30%) or somewhat (40%) comfortable talking about their mental health with their partner.

33% of respondents reported feeling comfortable talking about their mental health with their colleagues. This could indicate that the topic of mental health is becoming less taboo in workplaces.

People felt least comfortable discussing their mental health with their neighbours.

The results show we’re more comfortable discussing the mental health of those around us than of ourselves. While only 2% of people felt very comfortable discussing their own mental health with their neighbours, 21% felt very comfortable discussing their neighbours’ mental health.

6% of people reported feeling very comfortable discussing their own mental health with their colleagues, compared to 28% who felt very comfortable discussing their colleagues’ mental health with them. 13% of people reported feeling very comfortable talking about their own mental health with their family, while a whopping 49% felt very comfortable discussing their family’s mental health with them.

Overall, 99% of people reported feeling comfortable discussing other people’s mental health, showing that we are willing to offer an ear when needed, even if we may not be comfortable seeking support ourselves.

 

Impact of Mental Health on Relationships

Unsurprisingly, a huge 88% of participants agree that their mental health affects the health of their relationship, and 84% agree that their partner’s mental health affects the health of their relationship.

Despite this result, 50% of people reported they would not let the fact that another person was suffering mental ill-health discourage them from beginning or continuing a relationship with that person.

 

Seeking Help

The study revealed that we prefer to seek help in person. Most respondents (66%) reported they prefer to seek professional help in person, while only 19% stated they would seek professional help online.

11% of respondents said they would not seek help at all, and 9% said they would not know where to go for help.

A massive 64% of participants indicated they would seek help from the people closest to them. However, 45% said they felt uncomfortable or very uncomfortable talking to their close contacts about their mental health.

If you’re having a tough time, talking to a counsellor might help. Our counsellors can help you explore the issues that are causing concern and support you to find solutions. You can learn more about our counselling services here, or call us on 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.

You can read the full survey results here.

Dating Someone with Kids

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You met someone great. You get on like a house on fire. But there’s just one small thing: they have children.

Dating someone with kids can raise unique challenges. Whether you’re a kid person or you have no experience with them, you’re a parent yourself or living the childfree life, dating someone with a child is always going to bring some added potential for stress and complications.

But it can also be wonderful and rewarding, and the best package deal you’ve ever committed to.

We provide some pointers for dating someone with kids to help guide you on this exciting ride.

 

Ask about their kids

Even if you’re not ready to jump into step-parenting duties, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the subject altogether. Your partner’s children are a huge part of their life, and probably a part they love discussing.

Ask about their kids and show an interest in their life as a parent. This shows them you care about what’s going on for them, and helps build your connection and intimacy. It can also be a green flag and reassure them that you don’t see their kids as a hindrance in the relationship.

 

Respect that the kids come first

No matter how great your connection, the kids will always take priority. If you can’t cope with having your dinner date interrupted with phone calls to the babysitter, having to reschedule your plans because a little one has the chickenpox, or not getting a text back until after bath and story time, dating someone with a child might not be for you.

Things don’t always run smoothly when kids are involved. If you want the relationship to work, you’ll have to be understanding when your partner puts their kids’ needs before yours.

 

Don’t offer unsolicited parenting advice

Dating someone with kids doesn’t give you any parental authority over their kids, and telling your significant other how to raise or discipline their children is a big no-no. They’re likely copping enough unwanted ‘pearls of wisdom’ from their friends and family as it is.

If you’re upset or frustrated with the children’s behaviour, do what you can to keep yourself calm, and leave the parenting to your partner. If you witness really worrisome behaviour, bring it up with your partner in private, and allow them to make the parenting decisions.

 

Consider whether you’re serious before meeting the kids

For the sake of all involved, wait until you’re in a committed relationship before meeting the kids.

Being introduced to the kids is a big deal. It can be tough on young ones to meet someone new only for them to split a few weeks later. If you don’t see a future together yet, save the introductions for when you do.

 

Understand the kids might not welcome you right away

You could be the most fun, likeable, kid-friendly person around, but there’s still a chance their children won’t welcome you in as part of the family.

It can take years for kids to warm up to a new parent figure. Researcher and author Patricia Papernow reports that stepfamilies take around 7-12 years to adjust and to exist as a healthy, well-functioning system.

Don’t take it personally if your partner’s kids don’t welcome you with open arms right away – but don’t force the relationship, either. Be patient and respect their boundaries.

If you’re having relationship or parenting issues, speaking with a counsellor might help. Learn more about our confidential counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

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It’s hard to see someone we care about hurting from a significant loss. While we want to be supportive, many of us worry we’ll say or do the wrong thing.

The good news is you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be there to offer love and support.

While everyone experiences grief differently, these general dos and don’ts may help you provide comfort when you’re not sure how.

 

Do:

Offer practical support

While emotional support is important at this time, your loved one might also appreciate some help with practical tasks like housework and errands. Offer to do a load of laundry, mow their lawn, pick up their kids from school, do their grocery shopping, and bring them precooked meals. Above all, ask them how they’d like you to support them to ensure they’re getting the kind of help they need.

Listen with compassion

Loss can bring on strong emotions like sadness, anger, and guilt. However they’re expressing their grief, don’t criticise, judge, or offer unsolicited advice on how to ‘get over it’. Listen with empathy and validate their feelings.

Let them be sad

It’s normal (and expected) for people who are grieving to experience sadness and despair. They may be depressed and struggle to get excited about anything for a while. Avoid trying to cheer them up or putting a positive spin on things with phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason”. Allow them to feel what they need to feel for the first few days or weeks, and let them know they’re safe to express those feelings around you.

Be willing to sit in silence

There may be times when they don’t feel like talking. Avoid the temptation to fill every silence, and just be there with them as a shoulder to cry on or to offer a reassuring hug or hand squeeze. Don’t underestimate the comfort that can come from simply being present.

Continue to support them after the funeral

The funeral has been and gone. The world keeps turning, and everyone has moved on with their lives – except for the bereaved. Don’t go AWOL after the funeral has wrapped up and the sympathy flowers have wilted. Check in with your loved one often, and continue to offer emotional and practical support.

 

Don’t:

Don’t make it about you

The last thing they want to hear right now is “I know how you feel”. Even if you have experienced a similar loss, grief is different for every individual, and there’s never a good time to compare what they’re going through with your own experience. They probably don’t have the emotional capacity to care right now – and nor should they have to.

Don’t push them to open up

Some people don’t like talking about their feelings. Perhaps they’re not ready to open up about what’s happened or how they’re coping yet, and that’s OK. Don’t pressure them to talk about anything they’re not comfortable with. If they’d prefer to sit in silence, stay quiet with them and simply be their shoulder to cry on.

Don’t avoid the subject because you’re uncomfortable

Death isn’t exactly an everyday topic of conversation. In fact, it’s pretty taboo in a lot of western cultures. Many people find the subject uncomfortable, morose, and even scary. But now isn’t the time to prioritise your comfort over their need to express their grief, so don’t avoid or change the subject when they’re opening up to you.

Don’t forget

There may be anniversaries, holidays, birthdays etc. that trigger their grief for years to come, so show your support by checking in on them and continuing to share memories.

Don’t rush them

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s important to remember that grief cannot be healed. The process of grieving isn’t linear – it’s not a ‘one and done’ process where you tick off boxes and leave it all behind you. People who have experienced significant loss carry their grief with them forever.

Grief counsellor and researcher Dr Lois Tonkin’s ‘Growing around Grief’ model shows us how over time, grief stays much the same, but our lives begin to grow around it.

Tonkin's model of growing around grief - cartoon model showing grief and recovery

 

RAQ provides confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Our tertiary trained counsellors can assist with a range of issues including grief and loss. You can learn more about our counselling services here or call 1300 364 277 to make an appointment.

Learn how to support someone with depression and learn some of the warning signs of suicide in this article.

How to Talk to a Mate about Mental Health

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Men are known for bottling things up. Some men might find it hard to talk about their feelings due to the stigma that still surrounds men’s mental health.

Outdated ideas that men should be strong and seeking help is a sign of weakness can prevent them from opening up or reaching out in tough times. So they often suffer in silence, which can make their mental health even worse.

Statistics show 1 in 8 men will experience depression, and 1 in 5 men will experience anxiety at some stage of their lives. The number of men who die by suicide in Australia every year is almost double the national road toll.

Talking to your mates about mental health can help remove the stigma and have positive impacts on their wellbeing. It could even help save a life.

We hope these tips on how to talk to men about mental health encourage supportive conversations with your mates when they’re doing it tough.

 

Check in casually

Asking how your mate’s going doesn’t have to be awkward or a big deal. Just bring it up casually after talking about other topics when they’re already relaxed. Research shows 63% of men are most comfortable talking about their mental health over a drink.

Some conversation starters might include:

  • How have you been going?
  • You’ve seemed a bit off lately. How are things going?
  • Sounds like work/school/home life has been pretty stressful for you lately. Want to tell me about it?
  • I heard you say something/noticed you do something that made me worry about you. Do you want to talk about it?

And remember, if your mate asks how you are, always ask them in return. A study revealed 35% of men said if they wanted to talk to a friend about their mental health, they’d ask how their friend is doing and hope they’d ask it back. This simple question could be a sign they’re not doing too well, so don’t skip over it.

 

Pay attention to tone and body language

It can be hard for men to open up about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they might not even know how to put it into words, and it can be so much easier to just fake a smile and say “I’m fine.”

It’s important to read between the lines if what they’re saying doesn’t line up with how they’re acting. If your mate is saying there’s nothing wrong but they’re looking away or stiffening up, it could be a sign there’s more going on beneath the surface.

Show you really care by asking twice. For example, if you ask how they’re going and they say they’re fine but they don’t seem it, you could follow up with something like: “Are you sure? You seem a bit down/stressed lately. Happy to chat about it if you want.” Now your mate knows you’re being genuine and are willing to listen if they’re ready to talk about it.

 

Listen without judgement

If someone has let their guard down and opened up about their mental health, you should make them feel supported and glad they confided in you. Avoid passing judgement, or they could shut down and avoid bringing it up again in future.

Don’t place blame, tell them what to do, make it about your own experiences, or tell them to ‘man up’. If you don’t know what to say, simply listen and encourage them to get it off their chest. Validate their feelings by saying something like:

  • That sounds really tough.
  • I’m sorry you’ve been going through that.
  • It sounds like things have been really hard for you lately.

Research shows 39% of men have had a disappointing reaction when they’ve shared things about their mental health in the past. Showing some empathy and support can help to avoid adding to this statistic.

 

Follow up to see how they’re going

Check in on them regularly to see how things have been and if they might need extra support. If they’re not coping, gently encourage them to seek help.

Counselling can be helpful for anyone suffering with mental health issues or going through a rough patch. RAQ offers confidential counselling in a supportive and respectful environment. Call 1300 364 277 to learn more or make an appointment.

Check out this article for tips to support someone with depression and to learn some of the common warning signs of suicide.

 

This advice is applicable to all genders – whether male, female, transgender, gender nonconforming or gender non-binary.

 

Can a Marriage Work After an Affair?

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Infidelity can cause extreme emotional pain and heartbreak – but does it automatically mean the end of your marriage or relationship?

Short answer: It’s different for everyone.

Some couples may find it impossible to reconcile after an affair, with the pain of betrayal too strong for the relationship to progress. Others might work on their issues, rebuild trust, and become stronger than ever before.

Affairs don’t just happen in unhappy marriages or relationships. They can happen in couples that are otherwise happy and healthy. And if both parties are committed, the relationship can be saved.

In this article, we’ll look at what to do when someone cheats on you, and possible ways to recover your relationship after an affair.

 

What to do After an Affair

So you’ve been cheated on – now what? While people cope in different ways and what’s right for some might not be for others, these tips may help you find your footing during this tough time.

Address your needs

Learning your partner has been unfaithful can kick up a lot of negative feelings. It’s important to look after your emotional and physical needs during this time. Prioritise eating balanced meals, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol and drugs.

If you live together and need some space to process things, remove yourself from the situation and organise somewhere to stay – whether it’s with friends, family, or a motel.

Reach out to your support network

Being cheated on can be embarrassing and shameful. You may be tempted to withdraw from friends and family and isolate yourself while you process things. But surrounding yourself with supportive and loving people can make all the difference.

Deciding who you do and don’t tell – and how much you want to share – is a very personal thing. You don’t have to go into the nitty gritty details, but telling the people with your best interests at heart can help you feel less alone.

Remember it’s not about you

Your first response may be to ask what’s wrong with me? You may be left questioning your worth, whether you’re lovable or desirable, or if there’s something you did to deserve this.

It’s important to remind yourself that you’re not to blame for someone else’s behaviour. This was their choice, and it’s not a reflection on you. Even if you were having problems in the relationship, this is no excuse for having an affair. This happened because of their own issues, and not because you’re not good enough.

Prioritise self-care

Sleeping in until midday and snacking on ice cream and Doritos for days? Hey, many of us have been there. A little wallowing is expected, but try not to let your self-care slide when you need it most.

Along with addressing your physical needs like getting enough rest, eating right, and drinking plenty of water, make other forms of self-care a priority, too. Get up, take a shower, and put on an outfit that makes you feel good. Take time to get out of the house and see the people you love. Revisit the hobbies you enjoy. Whatever your self-care looks like, make it a must-do every day.

Have an honest conversation

If it’s safe to do so, talk to your partner about what’s happened. Don’t jump to conclusions or assume you know the full story. Be honest about why this has happened in your relationship, and if there were problems going on in the background. Allowing them to explain themselves might help give you closure, or help you decide whether the relationship is worth repairing or not.

Some signs it may not be worth moving forward with the relationship might include:

  • They have cheated before
  • They’re not remorseful or sorry for their actions
  • They don’t take responsibility for their actions/blame you for ‘making’ them cheat
  • They’re abusive (physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially, or other).

 

Relationship Counselling After an Affair

If you do choose to rebuild your relationship, this will require a strong, long-term commitment from both partners. Relationship counselling can help you work through your issues and gain the skills needed to make your relationship successful.

Many relationship counsellors have seen marriages not only move past an affair, but become stronger than before.

You may want to consider counselling to discuss your feelings and have a safe space to explore yourselves, your situation, and your needs. 

Counselling can help couples to:

  • Prepare for changes in a relationship
  • Address sexual concerns
  • Understand the relationship they have
  • Discuss what they feel about each other now
  • Decide what they are prepared to do to make it work
  • Discover why they chose each other in the first place
  • Understand how they contributed to whatever their relationship has become
  • Deal with the pain of when relationships change or end.

Our trained counsellors are here to provide non-judgmental support and guidance. They don’t take sides or encourage couples to stay together or separate. Learn more about our relationship counselling here, or call 1300 364 277 to book an appointment.